LOVE/JOURNAL: LOOKING BACK WITH INSECURITIES

 When two people find enough in common and interest to begin dating one another, they both bring with them the cumulative experience of their years. They, of course, bring the good (their likes, adventures, and beliefs, etc.) but they also bring with them the bad (their shortcomings, prejudices, and obsession with Pokémon cards). And though both people may not bring an exact mixture of good and bad things to the relationship, every thing that makes each of them who they are has a direct impact on this new relationship. One certain component that can have the greatest influence on a relationship—romantic or not—is the insecurities each of us possess. And yes, we all have them.

Insecurities come from a place lacking in confidence. We may feel that we’re too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny, too ugly, too whatever. Or we may feel that we’re not smart enough, not coordinated enough, not good enough, or just not enough period. Whatever it is that makes us insecure in who we are or how we look, feel, or act comes about because we’ve allowed ourselves to accept those shortcomings into our life. We’ve developed an opinion toward a certain part(s) of ourselves (or sometimes our whole self, sadly) that isn’t as healthy as it could be, and that bleeds insecurity into our lives. But being or feeling insecure doesn’t mean that there’s necessarily anything wrong with us. It only means that we feel we fall short in some areas. And while it isn’t healthy to obsess and focus on these “shortcomings”, it is good to keep a realistic view of ourselves instead of just assuming that we’re God’s gift to the human race and everyone should model themselves after us. Honestly, I’d prefer to acknowledge my failings instead of being ignorant to them.
Most of us know that a romance, a relationship is a balanced infrastructure with many moving parts. It’s basically two people with similar tastes, ideals, and goals somehow finding each other in this great big, nauseous world and then hoping against hope that they’re also attracted to each other in a romantic way. And even when those two people do find each other and decide to give it the old college try, they still have to get along and hope one of them doesn’t screw up bad enough to ruin the whole thing.  Do we really realize just how difficult all of that is to accomplish?! It’s mesmerizing. And yet, through all of that and once this couple has settled into the routine of actually being a couple, they’re tasked with the responsibility of giving of themselves to this other person and relinquishing a focus that has rested solely on themselves up ‘til then.

But what are we to do when our insecurities begin to worm their way through this new and fresh thing we suddenly cherish and affect us in such a way that they begin to take a toll on our relationship? How do we keep our insecurities from ruining this thing that we’ve built and want to hang on to?


Being insecure is nothing simple to deal with. It can weigh us down and it can hurt our sense of self. But if we choose to share these insecurities with our partner, we can begin to work through them and hopefully become more secure and confident in ourselves. Sharing ourselves with this person we trust is that first step in that right direction.

When we do fall in love and it leads us to disappointment and regret, bitterness can find its way into our hearts. In fact, it can happen so seamlessly that we don’t realize it’s resting in our heart and mind until its effect has already taken hold. It’s when we focus on how much we gave to that love and how much we lost because of it that our loving heart can become iced and unforgiving.

This can be caused by a litany of things, but honestly, it doesn’t matter how our love was served back to us or how we were left broken because of it; all that matters is that things fell apart and now we’re untrustworthy of love and the potency it holds. To us, all that matters is that we’ve been burnt by love and it doesn’t seem wise or healthy to try again. I’ve felt that way and you’ve felt the same (probably but hopefully not).

What we have to remember and hold on to is that love—and all the good and bad that comes with it—can be worth us taking another chance at it. It may not always feel like it and that bitterness may have tried to make a permanent home within us, but fighting and healing through all the bad that has befallen us because of love is what it takes to be complete as a person.

We may have been cheated on, lied to, abused, or taken for granted, but beyond all of that, it’s our responsibility to remember that not every experience will mirror the one we had in the past. Love is capable of making us whole and happy. Do we have to be in love or in a relationship to be those things? Absolutely not. But if lasting a relationship is what we want deep in our heart, then it’s time to give love and all that it holds another chance. It won’t be easy and we should forever be cautious about who we give our love to, but choosing to move past our old pains and problems is the first step in finding what we want for ourselves and for our lives.
 
Ever so often, I take a small moment to look back over the last few years of my life. I witness again the heartbreaks and the triumphs, the losses and the lessons learned that made me who I am today. During these deepened explorations of my past, I do my best to deduce the reasons I made the mistakes I did so that I can keep from making them again in the future.

As I practiced this exercise a day or two ago, I focused on my sexual sins, wondering why I allowed my morals to decay to the point where I found myself wanting to have sex immediately.. At first, it was easy to brush past these instances as the result of a basic human desire to feel a release with another; to blame it on my manhood and the cravings we men sometimes feel. But then I surveyed the time in which these shenanigans took place, and when I finally brought focus upon the type of man I was then and what all transpired to make me that way, I realized that my sexual conquests weren’t a result of some simple appetite for satisfaction, but rather a deep and yearning desire to be wanted.

During these my younger years.. I was shunned by so many woman...., I felt like an outcast. Gone were the times of acceptance and love. I had marked myself as one unfit of the kindness of woman that I wanted.The result of this was my becoming—of my own volition—a man who needed to feel that he was wanted by someone, by anyone. I was unhappy with my situation and how I was seen, so to rectify those feelings, I sought the company of women who wanted me; who promised to fulfill me. In those times of loose morals and empty wisdom, I found myself participating in acts I knew were wrong, but it didn’t matter. I wanted to be wanted and that’s what I was getting—for a few fleeting moments anyway. Looking back, I can see that I was simply searching to replace those feelings of love and acceptance I once felt from my loved ones, and I was doing it any way I could.

These days, I’m proud to say that my happiness has returned and I no longer look to substitute feelings from less-than-acceptable places. I may not always have the approval of those in my life, but that means very little to me now. I work to please only God, and if someone else doesn’t like the man I am because of it, it doesn’t bother me.

And that’s where I fell short back then. I ached so badly for the acceptance of those around me that when I didn’t have it, I attempted to procure it from those who I knew would provide me some small sample of what I needed, even if I was losing my soul along the way.

The truth is that though we want to be wanted (by family, friends, lovers, etc.), it takes being happy with our own selves and without the approval of others before we can truly be whole. Otherwise, we’re running around, searching for acceptance and replacement feelings from those who would only use us and then disappear, leaving us with broken hearts and aching guilt.

Without our own, self-gained happiness, we’ll forever be without the balance and wholeness that self-acceptance brings.



 I can’t help but notice a startling pattern in nearly every single example of my past relationship of my commitment. And though the common thread was one I hadn’t noticed until now, its existence somehow didn’t surprise me. It made sense and it explained the path each of those relationships took to their own demise.

In all but one of my relationships, I had settled for a person who less than what I truly wanted.

Each woman I committed myself to (for however long a time), they all lacked something I inevitably needed in a partner (the likelihood that they settled on me first is not lost on me). Examples of things I settled on range from the differences in our faith to her personality/sense of humor being somewhat dry and cumbered and not meshing with mine to her not being pretty enough for my taste .not being submissive enough.. Regardless of what I settled on, the fact that I did settle hampered my relationship from the very beginning and left us building something on less-than-solid ground. Ultimately, each relationships failure can be traced back to those concessions, and as a result, the failure of those relationships is on me and my conscience

In reality, dating, in its origins, was a way to progress toward marriage. You met someone and you liked them, so the two of you dated and if things worked out, you got married. Now, things are all construed and upside down. The term “dating” means a thousand different things to a billion different people. But whatever your definition of dating or what your endgame is, settling or conceding something you want from a partner puts your relationship at an immediate disadvantage. You’re having to ignore the absence of something you miss or the presence of something you wish didn’t exist. It’s a tough hurdle to get by or see through. But then again, some would say that love can conquer all.

When you’re considering dating someone while getting to know them, do yourself a favor and refuse to settle for someone who is less than what you want. Really, you have the right and privilege to wait for as long as you want. After all, your happiness is what’s at stake. But for woman who want kids and marriage..there is a time limit..they can;t wait forever.

Could some of my relationships have survived my settling? Maybe. Did they? No. So when I see that one of the deathblow issues was my conceding something I wanted and needed from a partner, why wouldn’t I correct that mistake in the future?

Your life is your own and you’re free to do as you please. But don’t settle. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be satisfied and you deserve to be fulfilled. Why not find that with someone who you don’t have to make a concession for? Hold out for something better. The result is eternally worth the wait.