LOVE: HOW I CAN TELL IS SOMEONE HAS A KIND HEART

Most people believe they have a kind heart, but once you talk to them...you realize they don't. Actions speak louder than words. A person with a good heart will consistently be kind, caring, compassionate and open minded. How someone acts towards others shows you what kind of person they are. If someone is nice to you but rude to a waiter, for example, they're just putting on a show for you. A truly goodhearted person will be kind to all.

People who have problems with being in an intimate relationship are typically protecting themselves from being hurt, rejected, betrayed or abused—or they just don’t feel worthy of a love relationship. But if I protect myself by being emotionally withdrawn and not letting my heart become emotionally invested in another, I will approach all my potential intimate relationships with a "guarded heart." And if I have a guarded heart, I won’t be able to love—except from a distance—which is why I may be interested in someone who isn’t actually emotionally available for me, someone who isn’t very interested in me, someone who is already married or taken, or someone who is only available for a part-time relationship, such as a long-distance one.

People who are emotionally available, who are open to falling in love, are also able to bond and commit. They are able to express tender emotions and show their vulnerability. They are comfortable with both giving and receiving love, and they have high enough self-esteem that they feel more or less worthy of love. They are givers, not just takers. They feel comfortable with both giving and receiving affection, and eventually giving and receiving love.

People who do not have problems with intimacy tend to be in touch with their feelings and are able to verbalize their needs and wants. They tend to be good listeners, and not just good talkers. They have the capacity and they display the willingness to be there for someone else, to offer empathy, compassion and nurturing to others. Such people are essentially over previous romantic involvements, are not grieving previous losses and are romantically unencumbered—and are therefore available for you.

And emotionally available people (who are interested in creating and keeping an intimate relationship) have time for you. They have the availability for you to become an important priority in their lives. They’re not dishonest, deceptive or misleading, they respect other people’s boundaries and they don’t feel the need to pull away when the two of you begin to feel close and intimate.

Look for someone who fits this description—and avoid those that don’t. But of course that is easier said than done, because a large number of people are very available for a relatively superficial and/or sexual relationship, and they don’t give you reason to doubt their long-term emotional availability, so you’re never going to know until you are already in relationship with them. That’s why it’s wise to keep your heart out of a beginning relationship for awhile, so you can develop cleaner and clearer vision of the person and whether s/he is a wise longer-term choice for you.

Truthfully, you don’t want someone who doesn’t want you, because it hurts too much and it’s so unrewarding. You want someone who wants to be with you, try’s to connect with you, wants your attention, wants to please you and values your happiness. A relationship that does not have these emotions and behaviors creates too much brain damage—or heart damage.