I have been depress these past few days....my dad still in the hospital....work....being alone. The universe has a weird way of working things out in life; things appear or show up for a reason. What appeared for me was a powerful listener. Though this person was a complete stranger to me, I felt connected from the very first day.
When they listened so patiently and intently to my words and feelings—both expressed and unexpressed—it felt so incredible that I didn’t want to stop sharing. I emptied my entire heart, all my fears, disappointments, and pain. I released all of it.
It was a pure, non-judgmental, patient, and empathetic space where I got to express and feel understood and validated. I didn’t get any solutions, advice, or answers. Instead I got thought provoking questions, like “What does your soul really want?” “What makes you happy?” “What are you grateful for?” and “How can you forgive?”
It was this powerful listening that provided immeasurable healing. It was the second time in my life I actually felt like I had been heard, really understood—like what I had to say made sense. I felt important and visible again.
Like most depressed people, I lacked motivation and self-worth. Feeling understood is the most basic of human needs; during a time of depression it almost feels as critical as the need for air.
Being understood immediately shifted my perspective: from feeling invisible to feeling visible, from feeling down to feeling uplifted, from feeling contracted to feeling expanded, from feeling hopeless to hopeful.
It made me rise again and take care of my basic needs. Slowly but surely, I was able to walk out of the depression with the help of powerful listening, which has changed my life forever.
When someone listens to you well, it makes you feel accepted, understood, important, valued and validated. It gives you a voice to help you find yourself again. It reminds you that you are not invisible or alone.
Although we hear with our ears, many of us don’t necessarily listen to what is being said. We don’t get the chance to listen when we are too quickly reacting, judging, providing solutions, and disagreeing, rather than being a good sounding board.
We also don’t get to see a lot of examples of real listening because it is so rare.
So what does it take to be a good listener?
It starts by realizing how important and powerful this practice can be. Also, realize that it’s all about the other person. If you can put aside your own agenda, you’ll be able to focus on really hearing.
That means 80% of the time you listen patiently without interrupting, and the remaining 20% you reflect what you heard and ask questions to get more information about the situation.
When you are an active or mindful listener, you are fully present, not thinking about the past or the future.
The best listening skill is to be non-judgmental. When you judge someone when they’re talking, the other person often shuts down. Non-judgmental listening gives the other person a sense of freedom and acceptance.
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