THOUGHTS/LOVE: WHY I DON'T CHEAT....

For the longest time...i have noticed that after I met someone or want something and I conquer and had it, then somehow it's never enough. For me, that meant I'm always suffering because I always desire. Most spiritual teaching tell you that you can stop suffering if yu stop selfish desire of the ego. The way you achieve happiness is to give up wanting anything which is totally impossible. Our culture makes us to think that if only we have these things then ultimately we will be happy. But of course, all these things do not make you happy, having these things just make you want more of these things. Some people thing that you can make yourself happy with your own achievement, but that short-lasting because then you have to keep achieveing, doing something noteworthy, again and again...and again. So at best, when you achieve something, you get to be happy for a day. That's all we get. We get happiness in little pieces, it gets measured out for us in tiny fragments that we can saviour, but then the feeling leaves us. What is happiness then? Happiness become not something we experience, but something we remember, a memory of a high from a time that is now gone.

It's a subtle happienss not the roar of intensity so many of us desire, We all know people who go for the roar, chase the hot romance, the hot affairs. But that, too is an illusion of happiness, part of the charm of an affair is that it is inaccessible and impermanent, it's just a dream. As human being ...it is the part of our makeup to crave the forbidden, the dangerous. That is why I like to be sexually. But once we get the forbidden, the fruit isn't so sweet. As human beings, we have to control our sexual urges. In relationship..even the best one, you should know you should feel full and happy, but often you reside in a state of emptiness. You are busy with a job, but instead of feeling fulfilled, you feel overwhelmed. You know your partner loves you, yet you feel under appreciated. Some people choose to fill their emptiness with another person. They think, if only I could possess her then I would somehow feel better because it would take me out of myself. The see erotic joy as a solution, only to find out the solution is tempory, that they are temporarily escaping their responsibility, temporarily escaping the burden of life. 

It's the hardest thing in the whole world to live one ordinary life without cracking it up. I accept that I will never be completely happy. I accept that there may be soulmate out there who may forever be unknown to me...but what does a soulmate mean, really? Someone you meet, soul to soul? Who can you genuinely touch in that way, really other than GOD? I think we often seek is a mirroring of who we are in the form of another person. I always said....life is a mirror. And when we find the person who will say you are the one....it feels like a filling of the soul,...but it's really a filling of the ego. We should learn to bask in the fullness of a ME without a mirror. something that could keep us from expecting fullness to come from the unknown...YOU out there. 

Being single for a while now...we all know the hunger and despair that comes with wanting to possess something we believe has the goods that will fix our lives..because we feel defective. Of course, no one can do that. ...I am sure even in a relationship...i will find other woman attractive who I am sure would be more satisfying...but I am old enough to know that the reason I keep looking around goes back to my relationship with my mother, and not feeling loved by her. You meet a woman who makes your feel loved, and it's blissful. But as time passes, her love never fills the void left by your mother. It become a addiction. After a while you don't feel loved enough by the new woman, and so you keep looking for someone else who will love you even more. You can chase other woman with the fantasy that each one will make you complete, but they cannot, no one can. If you imagine the worl from a infant's point of view, an infant has only two desire. one that is to be fed. And the other is that they not be abandoned by their mothers and when they become adults they transfer that fear onto their wifes.

I was in the city this weekend and I saw this woman with the most fabulous body, I couldn't keep my eyes off her. I told my sister....she is so HOT.....My sister told me: You are not really in love with her. You are in love with the feeling you get when you are with her...she makes you feel good about yourself. If you felt good before you went into bedroom with her, you wouldn't need anyone to give you that feeling." and my sister was right. The trick to all of this is to feel whole with who you are, for you to love yourself.