If I were handsome enough, I would be loved or the converse if I feel unlovable, I must not be handsomeone enough. I have these thought sometimes and they are seductive because it relieve me of the responsiblity of developing self-worth.(turning it over to some longed-for-or long-suffering lover) Inevitably, thought, that someone ,---parent, friend, partner---doesn't love me enough, or I someone how fail to sense their love. I feel rejected, abandoned, alone. It's unbearable. Realizing that I've surrender my self-esteem to others and choosing to be accountable for my own self-worth would mean absorbing the terrifying fact that I've always vulnerable to pain and loss. I guess...as long we think the problem is our bodies failure to meet a certain physical standard, we have something concrete that we can work on. And so we dive headfirst into the ending project of improving our physical selves. No strategy ever fulfills our hopes, since what we hope for---the knowledge that we're acceptable. We begin to think thoughts like ..."if only someone loved me, I could accept myself." It's a Catch 22: Before we can feel loved, we must feel beautiful, but before we can feel beautiful, we must feel loved. You can swim down that spiral for decades, maybe all the way to your grave.
You may noticed that all the defect are located not in the body, but in the mind. It's the mind that mixes up beauty and acceptability, that misperceives the cause of emotional pain, and that sents us down the to rapid self-loathing. Your mind creates alot of your supposed appearance problems, and it can resolove them, almost instantaneously, if you'll let it.
Big "if"
Our ideas about love and attractiveness are so primal, our need for belonging so intense, that most of us are loath to abandon our favorite beliefs on these issues. If you've ever let yourself feel lovable and lovely, only to be deeply hurt, you many see accepting your own body as a setup for severe emotional wounding. After all, you let down your guard before and look what happened!! You'll never go there again. I understand your resistance...i have been there.
The strategy of feeling physicallly unattractive actually does preclude the pain of
-naviely trusting that we're good enough
-being horribly wounded
-feeling alone, unacceptable, and hideous.
Believing we're ugly cuts straight to the chase, making sure we feel alone, unacceptable , and hideous right from the get go, and without reprieve. If you don't believe me, you only have to look back at your own history. How many times have you told yourself you're unacceptable? How many times did this lead to happiness, freedom, and perfect relationship?
There is no-risk free way to love. The possiblity of being devastated is always there, but the possibility of joy exists only when you put your battered heart right on the table by trusting that you're lovable. I'm not asking you do do this all the time, I like you to experience with a new-mind set, a few minutes at a time.
Even thought believing in your own adequancy is actually less risky than feeling unacceptable (haven't we just proved this with the mighty power of logic?) this thought can still be terrifying-or if you're the cynical sort, impossible to get your head around, logic be damned. That's OK. You just need to set a clear, safe- feeling time boundaries within which to demo this idea. Push your mind to attack its own protective strategy of self-denigration.
*occasions when someone loved or praised you, even though you didn't look perfect:
Maria, Joanne, Melissa
*people you've loved even though they didn't look perfect:
Valerie, Michelle
*famous people who are dazzling despite physical imperfections:
Sandra Bullock
With a head full of crumbling misperection and happy hormones, go out in public and pretend for say half and hour that you're lovely enough to be loved. Now go to a coffee shop and have a ginger peach tea. Feel the difference in your facial expression.You will find that most people will accept you. They'll be attracted to you ina variety of ways. The more you release your defense, self-conscious inner critic, the more you'll get smiles, courtesy, friendliness, all kind of postive attention--not from everyone, but from most people.
Understanding and dismantling defensive beliefs about your own ugliness is a process that frees you to unreservedly accept yourself, your body, and other people. The resulting open heart is the one perfect fecture that will protect you emotionally by giving you a sustained sense of belonging. While not everyone will always love you, you will see abundant, observable evidence that you'll always lovable. That means the skin you're in has always been, and will always be, beautiful enough
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