The fear of giving oneself to love is very common. When once we are hurt and had a emotional response to it...we then create stories to explain it and over time we repeat the story until it take a life of its own and start to become a script we follow without even thinking about it. And you know where these stories come from? Our parents, teachers...lover. They become so hardwired in our head ...we believe them as if they were absolute turths rather than thoughts put into your head. We respond to life in a way so consistent with these thoughts.
When I see someone attractive, have a first date, or have the feeling of sexual attraction or being loved...I started to notice the stories that were come to my mind (in my heart of heart). First the sensation of body changes...i feel as if:
-there must be something wrong with me (i am defective)
-I'm inadequate
-i"m incomplete, something is missing
-i'm not attactive enough
-this person will hurt me or reject me
These stories lock me into a place of fear---the fear of experiencing the current moment, the fear of experiencing a loving connection. Yes...we all have been hurt, we had to face tough things in life, but the trauma is over now. We can free ourselves by bringing awareness to the moment and experiencing life in the present, unbounded by memories from the past.
The moment i start to get close to someone..i feel anxious..like this new person resurrent some buried feeling. And most like this feeling is based on my attachment to my mother. I sometimes want someone to completely enfold me and take care of me and to take me home, but i also get nervous. The convert message that my parent would tell me is.."You hurt me if you disagree with me, you hurt me if you love someone else or won't be who I want you to be." So when someone gets close to me...i tend to see them as my critical mother, and misinterpret their motivation and intent. So i go from being distant to close...this chaotic push-pull relationship.
Trust me ...it hard to break free from your parents control....sometimes it feel like you are disloyal and cruel when you do. I personally feel alot of guilt which is gut-wrenching. Even when I am not with them...i still her their voice in my head. I want a partner, but i sometimes shy away form the pain and discomfrot, or the possibility of loss. I want intimacy, but I am afraid to give up doing things my ways, or to let go of my longing to have someone take care of me. My fears come from the stories conceal from my wound.
No comments:
Post a Comment