REVIEW: THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN> STEVE AUSTIN

Steve Austin, astronaut, a man barely alive.""Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin is that man."

I am sure most young people won't remember this show...but I do. I loved this series, and as a young boy, I waited anxiously every week just to catch Steve Austin open a can of bionic whup-ass on the bad guys. I mean, this guy fights EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. Seriously! He's fought white supremacists, evil spies, terrorists and even a poltergeist (!!!). And no one can touch him. Is that macho or what? I tell you, Steve is one bad bionic motherfucker. If you piss him off, he'll go bionic on your ass and still have time for lunch with Lindsay Wagner.This is the series that got us kids running around the school compound in mock slow-motion, making that weird "tin-nin-nin-nin" bionic sound effect. We had The Six Million Dollar Man t-shirts, trading cards, tupperware, water containers, etc. We were bionic! I've come to realise a few things about the show that I never noticed back then. Well, as a kid, I didn't care much for the story; I was only into all that bionic shit.Thing is, The Six Million Dollar Man is damn un-PC. In one episode that I remember, he goes off into an ancient Mayan pyramid to save an old fogey, and he literally tears shit up in there with his bare, bionic hands! He even kicked to pieces an ancient wall with ancient carvings! Like, fuck you Mayans, I do my job cause I am Oscar Goldman's bitch and I do whatever he says.By the way, Oscar Goldman is Steve's boss, played by MacGuyver's father, Richard Anderson.

And you also realise how cheaply the series was made even though Steve was supposedly traversing the globe to all sorts of exotic places. A carpark is turned into Heathrow Airport just by putting a painted sign that says "London Airport 2nd Level" in the background! And the great and secret OSI Laboratory is established by a close-up shot of a door with the sign "OSI Laboratory Authorised Personnel Only". Hilarious!And you can forget the science. They don't give a shit about explaining anything. All you get to see in the lab are close-ups of those huge ancient mainframes with the spinning thingies and some flashing lights. And that's about as much science as you get in this "sci-fi" action series.Another thing about the show is how funny it actually is, both intentionally and otherwise. Submitted for your approval:The old fogey goes missing again, and the only person who can tell Oscar and Steve where he is is lying in a hospital bed after being shot.

Steve: "Well, we'll just have to question him when he wakes up."
Oscar: "No, I'm afraid we can't."
Steve looks puzzlingly at Oscar.
Oscar: "He's dead."

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh shit!

And then, and then ah, the only way they can get the information they need is to inject the dead man's brain cells into a living person's brain (I told you the science was shitty!). This being an untested and highly dangerous experiment, they carry out the procedure on ... TA DA! ... the only woman in the room!Talk about macho misogynist shit! Haha!But I still love this show, even today. I'd rather watch it than all the current shit that's on TV (except for maybe 24, which is an excellent show). And I'd say it unashamedly: Steve Austin is still my hero, Btw, seeing as six million dollars won't get you much these days, it's interesting to note that if Steve were built today, he would probably end up with only a bionic fingernail.