LOVE: RELATIONSHIP ISN'T A STATE OF BEING

If any of you are worried that you haven't run to anyone named Right, male or female, don't be in such a hurry. Chill, relax, and enjoy your freedom, because once you are in a relationship you don't have that kind of freedom anymore. So many people rush to met their soulmate, only to complain about being in a relationship with them...it is nuts. Living the commitment everyday takes alot of doing. In short, just because you know how to get into a relationship doesn't mean you how to be in a relationship. My point is relationship isn't just a state of being. It require time, thought, and attention. It's a million separate actions taken in order to stay with someone, share a life with someone, have a partnership with someone, appreciate and support someone, cultivate love with someone, ----actions taken consistently over the long haul. On thing that can kill any relationship and i have written about this alot of times is...expectation. That's expecting your partner to do itall for you: make you happy, fix you, fulfill you, complete you, define you, make your life for you, make your life more meaningful for you. Giant mistake.

This is what i will tell my next partner:
"Don't expect or rely on me to make you happy. You must be happy with yourself first. Be happy with your life separated from what the other person beings to the table. I am the icing on the cake and you shouldn't expect me to be the whole dessert."

Don't expect your partner to make your life and give you an identity. I guarantee you'll have a distant, uninvolved, and resentful partner in your hand...and you will be angry because that person failed to fulfill you expectation. That is your problem..it is your unrealistic expectations. There's no faster way to kill love tha to blame the other party for not doing what you ought to do for yourself. To be sure, you can be blissfully happy with a partner, but you can't hold him or her responsible for making and keeping you happy. It's not fair and it's not possible. 

You have to expect problem in relationships. There will be stress and pressures from the outside that momentarily pull you apart or push you together. Even when nothing huge happening, there are disagreement and arguments, times when you might want to get the hell out. Life goes up and down, and so does the natural ebb and flow in relationships. You're not suppose to be lovey-dovey all the time.

Let me tell you something, when I meet a couple in office that's been married for all time, I ask them how they do it. No matter what they are, they have something to teach me. One thing I hear over and over from couples who've made it work is that you must have respect for your partner, and you must be able to practice the art of forgiveness. One couple told me they practice "automatic forgiveness"-if one of use hurts the other's feeling or does something to infuriate the other- and that happen very often, because we're sensitive to each other--then you have get mad, let it be known, have a little or big fight about it and then let it go and move on. That's forgiveness--not holding on to and cultivating the felling that you've been wronged and then parading around like a wounded martyr. That is what Melissa (my ex girlfriend) would do. We would have a fight and she would be angry for days....be cold. 

Make sure you having a great time on your own before you get married. You'll have a great time after you get married, but it's just a different kind of great time, if you catch my drift. Enjoy your freedom. Spend as much time as you can getting to know yourself and what you want and need. And then keep your eyes open for that great love to appear--that person who loves you for you....right now I am enjoying myself..with my books, music, movies, family and friends and you should also. And by the way, make sure you love that person for him.herself. Chances are remote ( one in a zillion) that you'll get your partner to change. They won't. Certainly, the things you find most annoying and objectionable won't ever change. What does changes over time is your own willingness to accept these things. 

Please don't expect your prospective mate to have all the same interests, to want to talk about all the same things, No one person can do it all for you. Didn't you ever notice that's why you have a variety of friends? Friends are people who reflect different aspects and interests of your life. 

I thank God I didn't get married yet...because as I work my way up on life...i learned more about myself and I gained self-confidence. But know I am ready....Where are you.....