THOUGHTS: HOW TO GET OVER YOUR SHAME

There is an emptiness in you that continually need to be fed. You aren't comfortable trusting your well being to someone one. Most woman hate their vulnerability, They are not inviting, they are guarded. Most of their energy is spent trying to hide their true selves and control the world to have some sense of security. She is woman who know hot to get what she wants...but there is nothing merciful about her, nothing tender, and certainly nothing vulnerable.

She refuses to be vulnerable, and if she cannot secure her relationship, then she kills her heart longing for intimacy so that she will be safe and in control. She become a woman "who doesn't need anyone" but beneath it all, behind it all is a simple truth..woman dominate and control because they fear their vulnerability. That self-protective way of relation to others has nothing to do with real loving and nothing to do with deeply trusting God. It is their gut level response to a dangerous world. Now, this is not to say a woman can't be strong. But I feel their strenght feel more masculine than feminine. There is nothing inviting or alluring, nothing tender or merciful about them.

Personally...even when most woman are dominate and controlling ..the aches still remains. The deep longing of their heart just won't go away.They buy ourselves something nice when we aren't feeling appreciated. They allow themselves more food.They move into fantasy world to find some water for our thirsty heart. But none of these satisfy and they find themselves trying to fill the remaining emptiness with their little indulgences. They daydream their way through life....imagine stuff..picturing themselves as beautiful...pursued.,...perfect..

I do the same...Where do I go instead to God when the aches of my heart begins to make itself known?...spending too much money....exercising, too many movies...surfing the Internet....sleeping. I camp my heart in self-doubt, condemning thougths...and even shame because those emotions become familiar and conformable....we are faithlessly indulging rather than allowing our deep aches to draw us to God.

Unfortunately..our indulgences makes us feel better for a while...it seem to work, but really only increase our need to indulge again.This is the nightmare of addiction....it goes beyond drugs. We give our hearts to all sorts of other lovers that demand our attention, demand we indulge again. We taste something that we think is good...our longing cease to ache for a minute, but later we find ourselves empty once more, needing to be filled again and again.

We need not be ashamed that our heart aches, that we need and thirst and hunger for much more. All of our heart aches. All of our heart are at some level unsatisfied and longing. It is our insatiable need for more that drives us to GOD. What we need to see is that our controlling and our hiding ...and our indulging actually serves to separate us from our heart.

I think everyone deep inside know that they are not what they were meant to be and fear that soon it will be known...and we will be abandoned. Life alone to die a death of the heart...the worse nightmare. And down in the depth of our heart...our question remains....unanswered...Am i attractive? Do you see me? Do you want to see me? Do you love me.



Take a deep look into the eyes of anyone and behind the smile or the fear, you will find pain. And most people are in more pain than even they realize. Sorrow is not a stranger to any of us, though only a few have learned that it is not our enemy either.

We get these message as children that struck the core of our heart.....message like:
-i wasn't worth your time
-i wasn't worth loving.

Your wounds brought messages with them. They had similar theme....
-You're worthless
-You're too much and not enough
-You're disappointment.

Because they delivered with such pain, they felt true. They pierced our heart and they seemed to be so true. So we accept the message as fact. We embraced it as the verdict on us. The vows we made as children act like a deep-seated agreement with the message of our wounds.

I am just too much and hence I try not to be too much, trying to minimize my desire, trying to find someway to be loved without being too much. The vows we make as children are understandable. We shut our heart down. I got the message...i am a disappointment. I made a vow that somewhere in my heart, without knowing what i was doing....I vowed to protect myself by never causing pain...never requiring attention. As a result of the wound i receive growing up..i come be believe that some part of me...maybe every part of me is marred. Shame enters in and makes its crippling home deep within my heart. Shame is what makes us look away, so we avoid eyes contact with anyone. Shame is that feeling that haunts us, the sense that if someone really knew me, they would shake their heads in disgust and run away. Shame makes us feel, no, believe that we do not measure up...

Others seem to master their lives,,,,but shame grips my heart and pin me down...ever ready to point out my failures and judge my worth. I am lacking. I know we are not all that we long to be, all that God longs for us, but instead of coming up and asking God what he thinks of us..shame keeps us pinned down and gasping believing that we deserve to suffocate. If as a child..i didn't seem deemed worthy of love...it is incredibly difficult to believe I was worth loving as a adult. Shame says we are unworthy, broken and beyond repair.

Why am I always trying to improve myself?...Always looking for something to work on. Prayer, exercise...financial responsibility...what makes me search so frustrating is that I don't know what is wrong with me. I simply fear that somehow...i am not enough. Down deep I fear that something terribly wrong with me. If i was the prince..then people would love me. I can't help to believe that if i was different, If i was better, then I would have been loved as I so longed to be. It is me.

I construct a life of safety...i will not be vulnerable and find some place to get a taste of being enjoyed or at least of being needed. We all pretty much handle our brokenness in the same way we mishandle it. It hurts too much to go there...so we shut the door to the room in our heart and throw away the key, but that doesn't not bring healing..not at all..it might bring relief for a while...but never healing.

Part of the reason so many people are so tired is because we spend so much energy trying to keep it together. So much energy devoted to suppressing the pain and keeping a good appearance. A terrible costly way to live your life. Part of this is driven by fear that the pain will overwhelm us. That we will be consumed by our sorrow. It's understandable fear

The best thing we can do it to let God come in and open the door and invite him in to find you in those hurting places. The door is shut from the inside and healing never comes against our will. In order to experience healing, we must give permission to come in to the places we have so long shut to anyone. God is the only one who can knock through the loneliness, our sorrow. He or She knocks through events that feel too close to what happened to us when we were young...a betrayal, a rejection, a word spoken, a relationship lost.

Let the tears come . Get alone, get to your car or your bedroom or the shower and let the tears come. Let the tears come. It is the only kind thing to do for your woundedness. Allow yourself to feel again. And feel you will many things...Anger...that's okay. Remorse...of course you feel remorse and regret for so many years...let it all out. Grief is a form of validation..it says the wound mattered. You mattered. That's not the way life was supposed to go. There are unwept tears down in there...the tears of children who is lost and frightened. Okay...now for a hard step....forgiving. We must forgive those who hurt us. The reason is simple. Bitterness and unforgiving set their hooks deep in your hearts, they are chains that hold us captive to the wounds and the message of our heart. Until your forgive, you remain their prisoner.

Our core validation...our primary validation has to come from God. and until it does...until we look to him for the healing of our soul, our relationship area really hurt by looking to each other for something God can give. No matter how much someone pours into your aching soul, it's never enough...no one can fill you. In order to learn to love...you must stop insisting someone to fill you.



If you have two magnets and put their north and south poles together, they attract each other. Same with us. One person has to have the masculine pole and other person have the feminine pole. Like i wrote before....you can't have two captain in a ship. Male energy is self-discipline, direction, aggressive. tough, rough. Female energy is appreciation, trust, softness. Annie in the movie...The Horse Whisperer ...was a dominating, emasuculating woman. She need nothing from her man...She has life under control. She wears the pants in the family. Her message is clear: You are weak and untrustworthy. I am strong. Let me lead and thing will go fine. The effect on a man is not good. When a woman become controlling and not in the least vulnerable...her seductiveness is shut off. In the movie....A Walk In The Clouds...there are two woman in Paul Sutton's life..(played Keanu Reeves) His wife is not an arousing woman. She pressures him...."you are not the man..I want you to be" She is manipulating and demanding. Eventually she has an affair. The Hispanic woman he meets on the bus, however, is alluring. A strong and self-confident woman...she is also soft and inviting. Her message to him...is ....You are amazing man.