THOUGHTS :DEAR SOULMATE

I have never been one to be cautious in love. I’ve been known to lead with my whole heart, leaving my head behind. I’ve learned the hard way that this can sometimes be the equivalent of walking blindfolded into a fire.

So now I am more cautious. I think about how my actions will affect love in the long-term. I hold my tongue when I feel like saying something that might alter the course. And I step back whenever I sense myself becoming attached to someone who might hurt me. In other words, I have become more sensible.

And somehow, I always end up feeling a bit hurt, and a bit resentful that I might never be able to love like I did the first time.

I’ve often been told that you never get over your first love. You get over them. No matter how badly things ended though, you still linger in the magic that was your first time feeling like anything in the world is possible.

I still wonder if I’ll ever be able to love that fearlessly again, drop my gaurd and just take chances without thinking or worrying about where things will end up.
Or, is it better to be sensible when it comes to love?






Is there anything worse than being in love… and sharing your experiences with others only to have their judgment belittle your own?

I’ve always believed the importance of keeping an open mind and listening to most everyone’s commentary about the things I’m going through. But when it comes to love, I’ve learned to trust my own head and heart. This is why, perhaps, I learned no keep quiet about matters of the heart and choosing only writing it down.

The truth is that other people will keep you grounded. They might sound cynical when they say things might not work out. It’s hard to hold your tongue too and not act discouraged upon hearing them voice their seemingly irrational opinions. It’s ironic too when even the most happily married people doubt the possibility of two people meeting and falling in love.

Shakespeare did write that journeys end in lovers meeting. Can’t it just be that simple? Why does sharing love with others make everything seem so much more complicated?

If you can answer that question then you are much smarter than I.

At the end of the day though, I’ll stand by my conviction that you cannot go wrong when you follow your heart. This is something I know to be true. It’s why I do the things I do–like writing to you and sharing this blog and these words with the world.





What if you met someone who you felt like you had known your whole life? And what if the attraction and connection was mutual? What if the conversation felt so natural that you felt inclined to immediately call them a good friend? What if you went so far as to consider the possibility that they might be the one?

Then, after a few days together, what if they told you they were going to the farthest place possible, on the other side of the world, in a completely different hemisphere where you would not even experience the same seasons… would you follow them?

What would you do?

It is quite possible that a story like this exists, is being written and is inspired by real life. Had it been fictional, the hero and herione would still be together–at least in the same time zone.

But I wonder, dear soulmate and readers alike, has this ever happened to you? How much would you give up, how far would you go, what would you do if you knew who you wanted to be with at the end of the day?





I’ve learned a lot over the past few years. One thing I’ve learned is to beware of emotional attachment.

I recall when I felt something rare for someone a few years ago who then made me feel punished for doing so. Since then, I do not get involved when deep matters of the heart are concerned.

I’ve learned to convince myself that I live with an open heart, when I know deep down its buried under lock and key, hidden behind a barbed wire fence, and shielded over with a layer of bulletproof steel.

I remember a long time ago, when I found myself dancing in the arms of an intriguing stranger, I knew that nothing would become of it. I knew that the sun would rise the next day and we would resume our lives as though nothing happened. And as quickly and easily as two trains running on opposite tracks, we would lose touch and forget that we ever passed each other in that fleeting moment in time.

So what’s to be done then, when it comes to playing by the rules of this this 21st century love–if there is even such a thing?

I’ve learned to make the most of every intimate encounter, however brief it may be. I’ve learned to relish the moments when I’m held, cherish the times I’ve been kissed and absolutely be swept away in those moments when I am wholeheartedly wanted by someone, however short that time may be–be it a dance across a porch floor at midnight or a morning in someone’s arms.

Because after all… every lit bit of love is something, is it not?





To the soulmate I am yet to meet:

Stranger, I can’t wait to love you

your face, concealed in the humble

glimpses of light reflected in people’s eyes,

I have met on the streets, I have let

men’s embrace and undying moments

incline your return down my path

what ends did you trade along the way?

your voice, I have never heard

but when I do, I will know it was you

disguised in another, how easily we forget

nothing lasts, nothing is lost

sun sets on the past, we rise anew,

Lover, I can wait to know you



I remember the way she said my name. I remember the songs that she told me reminded her of me. I remember the way she said s



She missed me. I remembered all these things as I sat at my desk this afternoon and stared blankly at my computer screen.

And then I could feel a wave of sadness wash over me the way the ocean breaks over a rocky coast–pouring into every crevice before withdrawing with the tide once more.

I wonder where love goes when it’s gone. Two of my favorite quotes are from Washington Irving, who said, “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love.”

The other quote is slightly reminiscent of the solitary image of a lonely wave returning to the shore. “Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.”

I thought of these things this weekend as I sat down by the water and watched the waves pour themselves over the seaweed covered rocks. They softened the landscape with their melancholy rhythm.

And so I waited for the tide to soften the sharp edges–as they do to sea glass. After all, whenever something is broken–be it a heart or a piece of glass–it is hardly beautiful at first. But after enough time has passed, the edges get softened and then a beautiful souvenir is revealed.

I’m not quite there yet–just waiting for the edges to smooth.







It takes a great deal of poise to navigate the waters of heartbreak with grace. It takes a lot of courage to dare to choose the high road over one paved with bitterness and regret. It takes a lot of growing, learning, leaping and hoping to believe that something beautiful is waiting up ahead.

There was a moment today where I caught myself falling in and out of love with old memories. As I walked to work this morning a song came on the radio… the song–the one I used to sing and dance to once upon a time. It was hauntingly beautiful to hear it again.

Most people have certain songs that bring them back to different places in their lives. But after you lose a friend or a lover, some songs can become emotional landmines, leaving you to quickly change the station for fear of remembering what that love felt like.

I used to hide from this particular song.because I couldn’t bear to see it top the list of “Most Played.”

But today I made a point just to listen to it. Instead of changing the station, I relished the melody just like I used to. And when the song ended, as it always does, I realized that it did not resurface all the old feelings of hurt and loss but rather the simple notion that what I felt was real, and more beautiful than any song.





Is it possible to be in love with someone who you know nothing about? This very question is perhaps the heart and soul of these letters–the constant wondering if it is possible to put your love on hold for someone who might never show up.

While I don’t always believe in love at first sight, I believe in chemistry at first sight. I have always believed that I will know who I am supposed to be with simply by that instant connection.

It’s rare, it doesn’t come around often, and it often leaves me speechless whenever I encounter it. It’s that pinnacle moment when you know your life is suddenly and drastically about to change (and hopefully for the better, I might add).

I wonder now, as I write this letter, if anything will become of that stranger I saw down at the pier on Saturday night… we will see!



Of all the things I’ve learned in the past few months, I have found the most valuable lesson when it comes to life and love is to simply just go with it.

Love takes some crazy turns, and I’ll admit that I have most always tried to prepare myself for them. In the past I tried to protect myself from being hurt by never admitting to someone how I felt for them. I denied my heart at the expense of it being broken. I denied someone the opportunity to be really and wholly loved. And in my active pursuit to prevent myself from being hurt, I ended up hurting myself even more.

Since then I have tried so desperately not to attach myself to people. I kiss without thinking anything of it, and I go out to dinner with guys with no expectation of doing anything more. I try my best to control the way I feel for someone.

But recently, I have learned that it is best not to overanalyze matters of the heart. Love is dangerously unpredictable and can chart a vast course that will take you to some unexpected places. Don’t wonder where the road will lead, or what each kiss means. Just take everything as it comes and simply go with it.





In one of my favorite books, The Time Traveler’s Wife, author Audrey Niffenegger writes: “Don’t you think it’s better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?”

What do you think?

Happiness isn’t always easy. But when it does come around, in small bursts or for a long-term stay, it is richly rewarded.







There are certain people and places that bring you back to yourself–that ground you and make you feel whole once again.

Last night I caught up with an old summertime friend over dinner and a bottle of wine. The more we fell deeper into conversation and laughter, the more I felt like I was coming home.

I cannot articulate the feeling I get when I reunite with old friends from home. It’s strange and beautiful to be overwhelmed with a kind of happiness and love that seems to sweep away all the wintertime cobwebs that tangle my heart in its coldness and solitude–leaving me feeling lost and vulnerable.

And just when I feel at a loss for words, I am swept off my feet by the feeling of going home. It’s really a love affair I have with this echanting place where I return to every summer.

Home has a way of bringing you back to yourself. Whenever I feel lost, I find myself there.

There is something so rich and rewarding about returning home after a long year away. Reuniting with familiar faces, running down my favorite dirt road, tasting the salt on my skin and feeling the weight of the summer sky overhead remind me that anything is possible. And I wonder now, as I write, is it possible to be seduced by a place? I think so.

But even more than that, it is completely and wholly possible to be seduced by love.





Once upon a time there lived a girl who believed in everything beautiful in the world- like love and dreams. But more importantly, she believed in the most dangerous thing of all: the good in people.

One beautiful summer night this girl fell in love- her first big love. And the whole world looked different. Every moment she spent with him was better than the next. And together they watched the moon spill out over the bay every night, watched stars steal across the evening sky, and even chased fireflies that ceased to die in the morning light.

It was magical.

And then winter came and tested them. Their love had endured another summer. But by the third summer things had changed. Though they were together on the same island off some distant coast, he had a change of heart. And the distance between the two of them could now be measured in hundreds and thousands of miles.

But then that autumn, as the leaves began to fall, this girl lost her grandfather, her lifelong pen pal. With no one to write to, she set out to write to her soulmate- someone who could never reject her love.

But that beautiful house on the hill, on an island far away, that belonged to her grandparents for nearly half a century, was now just an asset. And that nightmare of it ever being sold was beginning to blur into reality.

And so now the girl wakes alone, in a city far away. Summer no longer has its same rhythmn. Love no longer has the same feeling.

But this is not where the story ends… somewhere along the way she finds love again, in some distant land, in pages far away.





I watched a documentary about the elderly. Toward the end of the film an old man was being interviewed and through his tears he explained how he had nothing to live for now that his wife had passed away.

He went on to explain how he had no one to share stories with. He had no one to talk to about daily things that happened to him. He had no one to share his life with that could make it as meaningful and colorful as his wife did.

I began to think about how completely paralyzing love is when it is lost. The only thing I can imagine to be more painful is having someone withdraw their love and have a change of heart.

When someone who has loved you passes away, there is comfort in the knowledge that they loved you- that they would have loved you forever if life had given them a chance.

But when someone you love suddenly changes their mind and takes away their love for you, there is an absence that is starkly similar to death. It is as if you lost somebody- a person you beleived to be someone different than he or she turned out to be.

And that is how I felt when someone I loved suddenly had a change of heart… I thought I was the only one who felt for a few dark moments that I had no one to share my life with.

I realize that it is normal to feel a tragic sense of loss when love gets lost. I realize though that life does go on, and fortunately for me, I have you to believe in.




Dear Soulmate,

I looked for you today, but I simply could not find you. In your absence, I began to unravel some memories of former loves- as I usually do when I stand unenthused waiting for the train. My hands were buried deep into my pockets and my face hidden under my scarf. But somehow none of the memories that came to me were enough to keep me warm.

There is a kind of cold that is more mild, usually accompanied with snow. There is the kind of cold that sends you indoors to build fires and make hot cocoa. And there is the kind of raw cold that is usually intensely dry air that can be carried on the wings of an Arctic wind.

And then there is the kind of cold that people are able to emit simply in their silence and distance. This kind of cold is the coldest of all.

And I realized, as I watched my breath dissapear like smoke against the faded glow of street lights, that sometimes you have to look ahead to the future for warmth.

And when I do look ahead, like standing on the edge of a subway platform peering down the tracks to see where they bend around the tunnel, I can’t help but believe that if they led me to you- then I’m on the right track.





How do you forget the way it felt to kiss someone, to touch them, to love them? When do you wake up and forget the way it used to be when your life felt complete and whole, a perfect harmony of happiness and bliss?

How do you forget the way it felt to be on top of the world?

Probably the worst advice that has ever been given by anyone is “move on.” The words slip so easily from the mouths of those we love, even the mouths of those who we’ve kissed in the most intimate of moments. But what happens when someone you have been so completely in love with, tells you to “move on”

Where to, I might ask?

Cold Sunday mornings like today make me wake feeling discomforted by the fact that I have simply gotten used to being out of that kind of beautifully wholesome love. What people really mean when they say, “move on,” is simply just don’t look back. The moment you look behind at how good you once felt in your past is the moment where the present feels incomplete.

So without looking back I get through the days, looking ahead to you instead. But still I cannot forget where I’ve been.

And I wonder still, is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?







Dear Soulmate,

There are so many times when I convince myself that I have seen you or perhaps will see you in the near future. Every corner I turn, every door that I open, I always have this hope that our paths will cross.

I wonder, is it wrong to always be thinking of you in this frantic treasure hunt kind of way? Why can’t I just sit back and wait for you to come to me, or at least wait for time to author our story? Why do I have this incessant urge to pursue you.

I suppose the easiest answer is that I feel at a loss when I look around at other people holding hands and kissing. I feel at a loss when I watch movies where Hollywood stages captivating romances entangled in real life scenarios.

I feel at a loss without you.

the notebook's allie and noah

When I look around at everyone else who appears in love, I too want to share laughter, kisses and stories with someone who cares about me. While I am certainly not alone, I sometimes cannot help but feel it. This I suppose only makes me human.

While you may argue that my longing for you is simply a product of the holidays that remind me that it is the season for love and being loved, or maybe the cold nights followed by colder mornings, my yearning for you stems from another notion.

I fear that you will have missed so much of me by the time I finally meet you. And I fear that I will miss so much of you by the time you finally meet me.

While I am still young it is easy to harken back to my past loves, as those memories are not buried too deeply in my past. I recall how I grew with all of them, and how they all saw me at my best and worse. I suppose you, too, will grow with me during a different more mature stage of my life. And you, too, will see me at my best and my worst.

What gives me comfort is knowing that who we are today has everything to do with where we are coming from







Dear Soulmate,

I’ll admit that it’s sometimes difficult to believe in you. I’ll admit that there are times I doubt that you will ever come around. I’ll admit that there are times I am convinced our paths will never cross.

I realize though, as I sit here in seemingly idle thought, that these doubts only make me human.

Perhaps it is the holidays that always have a way of making me feel more alone instead of grateful for the love of family and friends I have all around me.

Truthfully, I just want to feel wanted again. The only way I can even imagine what that feeling may be like is if I go back- into that dreadfully prohibited place where memories cease to collect dust but instead flow freely despite the cluttered avenues of my mind.

What makes my past experiences so appealing is the thought that somewhere amidst all the memories of kissing in the rain and stealing affectionate glances, there arrives the curious and intriguing possibility that my past may just be my ticket to the future.

Have I already met you, soulmate?

There’s an old expression that says there’s a reason why some people in your past never make it to your future. Instead those people become either polished trophies or rusted antiques stored in boxes labeled “experience” stacked somewhere in memory’s attic.

If you are in fact a polished trophy, need you be stored only in my memory? Why can’t I parade you around instead, showing the world that I have found that all-encompassing achievement, life’s most beautiful reward. That I, too, have found love.

Perhaps I have simply forgotten you- like a trophy in the attic, gone unnoticed even after all the effort it took to earn it. Maybe love goes unnoticed sometimes.

Maybe one day I will reopen those boxes and find you.





Dear Soulmate,

Is it possible to miss someone whom you have never met?

This question has been on my mind for quite some time now. Perhaps it is the absence of a love that used to be that makes me long for a restorative kind of love to fill the void.

Because once you have walked beside someone you have loved, the walk is that much longer alone. Once you have held the hand of someone you have loved, your hands no longer feel as warm in their absence. Once you have sat in silence beside someone you have loved, you long for some kind of distracting noise when they have left. Anything to fill the silence- to fill the empty space where love used to be.

Where are you, dear soulmate? The first snow of the season has fallen outside my window and I dare not venture outside to make footprints in the snow without you.

This is the season for romance, a time for love.

Someday I know you will walk with me for miles, in what will feel like only a few feet in your company. Someday I know you will warm my cold hands. You will sit beside me and I will wonder, in silence, how I ever lived my life without you.

I know these things because I believe in you that much.



I believe it was in the opening scene of the movie Bridget Jones’s Diary where leading lady Bridget Jones (played by Renee Zellweger) delivers the line, “It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.” Although this is a modern spin off of the first lines in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, the context holds true.

Perhaps you may read into this more optimistically, believing that it is not possible for life’s equilibriuim to always remain belanced between the good and bad events, but that it lends its balance in favor of the good. But life simply does not work like this. With the sun there will inevitably come clouds.





Dear Soulmate,

So here we are again, a thousand worlds away from one another but together in this lifetime.

I don’t even know anything about you, but at the same time I feel I know everything. It’s an incredibly complicated but beautiful contradiction.

I bet you like to sail. I bet you sleep in late. I bet you like to drive when your upset, shifting gears and switching songs. I bet you have brown hair that you never style but it always falls across your forehead perfectly, even when you wake up. I bet you have wonderful plans for the future that make your eyes light up when someone asks you where you see yourself in five or ten years. And somehow, I hope the answer is with me.

Love is hard though, it’s a difficult journey. You know that scene in Jerry MaGuire where Dorothy (Renee Zellweger) is standing in the kitchen and tells her sister Laurel that she is in love. This is an incredibly brave thing to say because sometimes, especially at the beginning of a relationship, there is so much uncertainty and doubt that suppresses the excitement and butterflies from that first kiss.

People often tell one another that they love them without regard to the consequences. Love changes though. People learn that they cannot promise each other everything, that they cannot fill their expectations. When Dorothy tells Jerry that she deserves his soul- all of him, in order for their love to truly work, there is a moment of tragedy in the realization that it may not work out after all.

You know that pivotal moment when you realize that love is not on the same page anymore? I hope that we never feel that way with one another. I know that we will fight, I know we will disagree. I know we will get upset. We are only human.

And I cannot promise you that it will be easy for me to tell you that I love you for the first time, simply because it will have taken me so long to say. The reason for this is because I know that when I tell you that I love you, it will be forever.

I know you will promise me just the same because I deserve that much, too.


The point is not that you’ve been hurt or fell in love and it wasn’t all you dreamed about. It’s about trying again. It’s about seeing the world in a new way- learning from the past but moving on. It’s essentially the essence of what makes this life so beautiful, and in many ways as enchanting as a fairy tale.

But to answer her question, a soulmate is that real kind of love that you never fall out of. It is the kind my parents and grandparents have. Their love stories are equally fairy tales in their own way. It’s not a Hollywood movie where the two leading characters run into each others arms at the end. It’s life.



Dear Soulmate,

It is difficult to imagine what you may be doing right now as I write to you. Perhaps you are running your fingers through your hair while talking on your cell phone, leaning back in your favorite chair as you gaze thoughtlessly out a window- your version of multitasking. Or maybe you are halfway around the world, sleeping peacefully and breathing easily beside some beautiful man who you are uncertain if you love. Or maybe you are out jogging, just a few streets away, and you passed a guy who looked like he was looking for you.

I cannot accurately predict what you are doing anymore than I can predict who you are. But I can at least imagine all these things.

I cannot wait to meet you- I cannot wait to look across a crowded room filled with all our friends and communicate with our eyes. I cannot wait to share secrets with our unsaid words, and instead with the way we move past one another in public. I cannot wait for those moments where you leave me at a loss for words, speechless by some unanticipated gesture that fills every little corner of doubt that I had mistaken you for having.

I cannot even wait for you to laugh at me when I’m upset at something you think is trivial. For you to decide not to open the door you made me slam. For you to stop giving compliments because I always object them. For you to turn up the volume on CNN when I’m telling you about my day.

Our relationship will not be easy, but it is important to remember that nothing good comes easily. Everything good in life is worth the fight and worth the challenge- which is why, at first meeting, I may just shake your hand and smile out of routine.

Be persistent. If you don’t give up on me- then I will know it is truly meant to be. Just know, that I have loved you all along, even that moment before we first shook hands.



Today I wandered through the city streets alone with my hands in my pocket under an overcast sky that was ripe with the promise of rain. I could not help but feel as wanderlust as the lost leaves that swirled in the wind around buildings and in between the brake lights of stopped traffic. These are the days I feel like giving up on you- I feel like untying the lines that bind me to the promise of a safe harbor, and sailing off into the impending winter storms on the horizon instead. I feel alone and hopeless.

I will not lose faith though, and I refuse to believe that this journey of mine will be absent of the beauty that you will show me. It is strange though to feel lonely- to miss someone who has not yet even filled a space in my heart. Perhaps it is the hope, the dream of you that leaves a void, and a place for you to fill.

I witnessed two separate wedding parties being photographed around town today. One bride walked down a sidewalk outside the church, escorted by two matching bridesmaids who assisted the bride with carrying her dress. People passing on the sidewalk all glanced over, some even moving to get a better view. Other people pointed her out from across a city street streaming with cars. Cameras were flashed as though she was a celebrity. All the bystanders who caught a glimpse of her were smiling.

Where there is love, there is joy.

The principle of love creating this radiant joy that results in outward expressions of happiness is incredibly enchanting. It is the fairy tale of romance. There need not be a knight in shining armor or true love’s kiss- there needs only to be that kind of love that sparks that kind of joyfulness that makes even strangers smile.

Someday, I know, our story will make others smile just the same.