PERSONAL/ LOVE LETTER:THE UNBEARABLE BEING

The silence in this house is growing quite unbearable, the dinner table untouched. I crave noise, I crave life, but fear there is no sense in uttering this desire upon deaf ears. I, of all people, how did I suddenly become so lost? The entirety of my life I have worked, worked towards achieving a goal, a goal of which I saw so clearly in the distance. Somehow, now that the once distant is in close proximity, I have become ostracized in a vast desert of desolation. Once independent, loving and contempt now only a soulless body with a muted scream for help, not even the walls can hear.

My only dream is to do whatever my heart wishes, experience freedom which no one dare to oblige. I wish to ride upon the dust of a shooting star, and rest along side of a soothing river, at times gliding gently over various pebbles, all shapes and sizes. For today, my silenced thoughts serve as a bridle for this foreseen fight.

I roll over to see you on the other side of me, sharing my bed, but not my dreams. Do you ever dream of me? For I never seem to dream of thee. The rate of my heartbeat increases with the slight movement of you, I fear your awakening. I fear the expectations that coincide with your consciousness…the expectation of me loving you, whole heartedly. Your body shifts again, in anxiety I clench my eyes with haste and pretend to be asleep.

Not even laying here, ‘asleep’ do you leave me alone? The touch of your hands on my back, hair and face send me into rage. Is it too much to ask to be left alone…? For once, I ask of you to take me into consideration, more so take me into consideration at a higher level than that of your own wants and desires. I am a person, it seems you have forgotten…and I, much like you, although silenced have wants and desires—to leave, to break free from this suffocating life. Perhaps if I just concentrate on my breathing I will succeed in suppressing my anxious thoughts…yes this is what I shall do…concentrate on my breathing. Just breathe…



How horrible it is, time moves so slowly when we are together, can’ t it learn to speed up as it does when I am in solitude? There is nothing that I want more than my old life back, my old self…my dreams of traveling and growing whole.  For I do not have any recollection. It was only a couple of year ago that I decided I never truly wanted to settle in one place for a long amount of time but, saw myself to be much more contempt moving from place to place. My dream in life was to learn the art of talking less and listening more; taking less and giving more; and possessing less and learning more. I wanted to see how I could exist on my own, away from the security of friends, family and work and the already established identity that I myself possessed—I wished to start anew. I wanted to learn the lesson of how to stop rushing from place to place, always looking ahead to the next thing, while in the moment, in front of me; I had allowed the present to slip away unnoticed. After all, in the end, a life is nothing more than the accumulation of small daily moments…and yet I sit motionless, with closed eyes—not able to travel and explore the hidden treasures of life beyond the suffocating walls of this love and empty room in which we live.

..

I do not recall ever remaining so motionless ever before, watching her I have been since the moment I entered the room this morning and now the moon is my visitor in place of the sun. ..her skin in the moonlight is so fresh and bright. I believe she stirred! Oh my love, please open your eyes please, please open your unclouded brown, almond shaped eyes….reassure me of my existence.
Your lips, your lush lips, they are parting, speak my name, utter my name…I am here…
Oh, the feeling my heart has just felt is that of a thousand ‘I love you’s’…I cannot begin to explain how relieved I feel….
“Yes, my love it is I, I am here, forever and always”
My words must have comforted her for she is breathing with depth, her chest gingerly raises and falls as that of the autumn sky once more.
I can’t not survive like this any longer, I must go”
This cannot be so, she loves me, we are going to be one for eternity, it was my destiny, no not was, why am I speaking in past tense as though it has ended? We are still in love…right?
“Please I…I…I do not love you any longer, you must go, if you love me you will do so…”
Although I cannot breathe I feel I must leave. I will leave only because of the love I hold for her. My knees weak, I rise slowly as a flower in bloom, I shall not cry, I shall simply leave. I love you my please know and remember that as true, forever and always. With the drop of a hat I will return, and we shall be one, once more, this time for all of life.



Since the morning I collapsed I have been able to live life, each and every moment of it. I breathe and laugh and love, love myself. I love this spot that I come to…although it makes me miss the one I was once with… She is not with my in presence, yet in my mind she still exists. Perhaps now that we do not share a bed, she does share my dreams…There is nothing more that I love than this single letter, a letter, with which I never sent a reply…just as our love was—a one way street…

“My dear love, I am along the shore waiting for you to take my eager hands. For now I have a better sense of when not to go in too deep, for the current rips out and storms may come. Waiting and missing, missing and longing, existing without you is baneful. Perhaps the agony will bring me the gift of life, the ability to re-establish who I am and who we were. Turning away the distractions, preventing interference, a break is just what I needed—I am ready to wade in the water with you again when you are…”
If I was to have replied…I would have sent you this, but what is the sense…? I will sit here and write, write to you  and with me I shall always keep it….

With one string of words you claim your love, yet with another you prove your abhorrence—beside me uninterested, yet at a far, adoration. Is your wish to force me into insanity?

As I rest on this rock with many faces, my eyes are drawn to the newly developed tree line. There is something special about the way the sunlight dances among the entanglement of tree branches, as if dodging the complexity of darkness. It is funny how I compare thee to the dancing rays, avoiding me, avoiding us, avoiding our love. Even still I hear thee in the whist melody of two birds perched, complacent, on the weather worn branch of a white birch tree. I feel thee in the river’s mist, three hundred feet below, roaring with such power the angels above me, above the trees, and above the clouds listen. This scent, the blend of verdant cedar and newly born leaves permeate the air triggering a memory. I can’t help but think of thee. Do you recall this day as I; walking in a vast but delicate field, blanketed by flowers of wilderness and emotions of the heart. With the breeze came a trail of endless dreams rolling through our minds, as ocean waves upon the shore. Faced the decision of remaining hidden, still, together or penetrate the surface of the outside world. We chose to stay, beneath the shelter of a single tree, with the company of one another. With the sunrise, reality grimly knocked, welcoming our return. I have relegated my thoughts of you to the farthest reaches of my heart; banished forever—but not forgotten. No, never forgotten for with the presence of nature, every word, thought, every look and feeling that passed between us, is as fresh in my mind now, as if it had occurred only yesterday. Like the moss growing atop the base of this rock, you span the surface of my mind. In this moment I tell myself to keep breathing, but how difficult this simple task becomes with the lack of air. Among the oxygen of a forest, the thoughts of us suffocates the atmosphere…until I break free from your hold, I rest on this rock with many faces.




I have never met a more perfect woman for me…so loyal and true. Such elegance she possesses in everything she does. I love the way her mouth turns up around the edges when she is excited, the way she inhales deeply with such delicacy that her chest slowly raises and falls like the autumn sun in the sky. Her skin, so soft and pure, with a one of a kind glow similar to that of the light surrounding an angel’s halo. Although she lays in slumber her unclouded brown, almond shaped eyes remain permanent in my mind. The way her name rolls of my tongue s a wave right before it crashes to the surface of the sun kissed sand. There is not a more beautiful woman alive, and this I know is true.

I know this is the delicate flower I am destined to be with for eternity, my love, my best friend, my wife….
Can’t you just imagine her standing on a beach in a simple white dress, as simple as the beauty she holds, cognac brown tresses draping the cream complexion of her perfectly sculpted back? I can, I can see it all, envision every detail…this is my favorite moment of today, laying beside the one I love, watching, and memorizing each attribute that makes her the person she is. Perfect in every way. Perhaps today I will take the day off from work to spend every moment with my love that I possible. To be as one, from dawn to dusk…that is my dream for today. And in this moment I am complete.