So I'm "unlovable" or at least that's what I have been telling myself. I've been unlovable since I was a child and left completely on my own to decide my worth, my value, my place in this world. I don't blame my parents, they did the best that they could do
There are places and events that one may visit for the very first time that are both breath taking and awe-inspiring and yet bring with them an overwhelming sense of familiarity and deja vu. A sense of home or comfort like no other that warms you to the core yet is quite baffling and frankly chilling at the same time. Could these feelings be bridges to past lives, past places or are they simply glue to the events in this life as we fumble our way to do, see, and accomplish all that lies within our path of destiny and / or co-creation? Were we shown our path before we started out on it and thus are recalling fragments of that viewing which result in these momentary connections in our minds that seem to defy logic and understanding? For me, these universal glimpses represent assurances that there is something much greater than ourselves at work.
How I Found Home...
I first met My Dearest late one evening at a very familiar place, one that I had been to many times but no matter my familiarity with the surrounds, I could have never been prepared for the energy that overtook me when she walked by. Never in my entire life have I felt so drawn to someone. Moving to a place in the room where I could have the advantage of observe her dance without being caught, I literally remembered saying to myself "I could marry her". I watched her for about a half an hour (okay maybe a little longer)...beauty, familiarity, comfort, home kept ringing through my mind...so much so that I couldn't chance her leaving without my saying something to her. So I took a deep breath, walked up to her on the dance floor and told her that she was amazing before muttering my name and then walking out to head home, but yet somehow knowing that we would again see one another. We didn't have conversation beyond "You are amazing" and "Thanks", no exchange of numbers, no promise to meet again...
Have we tried this before but failed the test and are now re-learning to get it right? Why was she home from the moment I saw her? I just know that she is the glue in the mozaic of tiles that represent my life today and she is home. She is the only home that I know...not because we have become comfortable over time but because we were comfortable before time and before we even met. We aren't addicted to one another, we simply fit like puzzle pieces and enjoy the snugness. Through my anger and resentment I had forgotten what My Dearest means to me, what her family means to me, what our history means to me I don't want to lose the only one on this planet that absolutely captivated me from first glance.
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