There this certain thinking we have that we have to find the perfect person before we will open our hearts to love. So often we reject our human frailties and flaws as inferior and unworthy of love, but you know seeking perfection is actually the antithesis of love. For love happens when it is safe to be flawed in the presence of another. How many people do allow us to be safe in their presence? Very few. I know my beloved is out there...just waiting for me to find her or she find me. In her I will find home. I won't be afraid. She will accept me....both physically, emotionally, and sexually.
I think of all those woman in my life who seem perfect to me. I admire and envy these woman, but rarely did I love them. It is never our perfections that makes us lovable, but rather our shortcomings and our perfectly imperfect imperfections. Who you are right now, with all of your flaws is quite enough for true love to take root in your life. Joanne found me...loved me with all my flaws. It happens...you have to just wait it out. In the movie, Bridget Jones' diary....all it takes is one little sentence: "I like you just the way you are." (I know, I heard the Billy Joel song, too).
Being liked for who she is, despite her flaws, is something that ends up appealing to Bridget. After all, she and many like her including myself have spent our adult lives trying to fit into some kind of hopeless ideal of the perfect person. For those of us who just fall short every time, finding a person who will accept us, flaws and all, is the stuff that dreams should be made on but aren't. Why? Because, truth be told, it isn't them; it's us. I am reminded of that scene in Stardust Memories where a scientist performs an elaborate procedure to put the brain of the nice girl into the body of the bad girl, and vice-versa, then he falls in love with the nice girl who has the bad girl's brain: it's not how they look it's how they act.
You may have habits and patterns that thwart the development of love, but love ever eludes us because we are not good enough. Love actually feeds on imperfections. It eludes us only because we push it away or destroy the seeds of its expression. The ability to be full possession of all aspects of ourselves...out good as well as our bad, our attractive as well as our unattractive qualities, our lightness as well as our darkness---is absolutely imperative for love.
I was taught to reject and disown much of who and what I was. I was not supported to own my dark side
-my petty selfishness
-my desire to dominate
-my envy
-my passion for retaliation
-express anger
-explore my sexuality
-being cold
-being self-center
-lazy
I never said I was perfect...or full of love. These dark side does make me weak, but I am not going to hide them either. Somewhere along in my childhood...i had to split myself form my dark feelings, and fragmented whole part of myself. I had to shut down these part of me in order to convince myself, and other that I was lovable and that I belong. I am not going to do that anymore. I am going to own my dark side also.
When we disown qualities that we have within us, we are often attracted to people who are expressing those very same qualities. And it is true. I love Melissa coldness,strength, anger and selfishness. Sometimes it's not so much that we want that person, as much as we want to BE that person. The idea of self-improvement imples there is something wrong with who we are. Everyone wants to be someone else, but getting to know and love yourself means accepting who you are, complete with your inadequacies and irrationalities.
I do have some hostility harbored toward woman. They have the power to accept men, let men fuck them...to hurt or destroy a man's soul. I've been completely frustated with every woman I've been meeting..because they all end up being flaky, without integerity (can keep any promise), and just non-commital. I have become protective of myself...i see it. Raised mostly by my mom...I try to be friend with woman...which cause to have alot of female energy ( being sensitive, compassionate, caring)
I am learning to forgive woman, and allow myself to harden into a more masculine, in order to attract good woman. I need to embrace my masculine side that I called bad. And also rather than feel ashamed by how feminine emotionally I am, I need to accept this part of myself as well.
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