LOVE: WHAT 'S IMPORTANT TO YOU IS IMPORTANT TO ME: NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE SMALL STUFF

In the movie, Vanilla Sky...Tom Cruise realize that nothing larger than small stuff. There nothing more important than small stuff. In the world of relationship...there is no such thing as too small to be important. People are great at large relationship moments but the all of in-between-time however to most people is not considered vital or important....like helping your partner make the bed, or make coffee in the morning. Small kind of stuff that can have disproportionately large effect on the day-to-day experience of love in a partnership.... WHY?...because everyone one of these smallest moments tells your partner " I care for you"

You see...you need to express this feeling that "What's important to you is important to me: I want to share what you're thinking, I want to be in your world". Nothing is unimportant.

Whether you realize it or not, recognize it or not, believe it or not, your mind, your guts, and your heart are carefully and automatically monitoring and interpreting these message like a supercomputer:

- is my partner touching me or not touching me?
- is my partner relaxed or tense?
...ect

Every small thing has ...every small event has two possible outcome:

-it can reinforce a feeling of separateness

-it can reinforce a feeling of connection..

Steady stream of smaller signals , form rich networks of attention and consideration, that makes a partner feel truly valued. Capillary action give a relationship its life and health. It's not about the size of your heart or the power of your attraction, it's about flow. Love has to flow steadily through the capillaries so your partner can feel your love in a consistent way. The big stuff doesn't create that sense of consistency. It can "wow" you for a while, but it doesn't build trust and it doesn't keep the connection feeling vitals. The only happens when there is a stream of consistent messages that are being communicated in a smaller moments through smaller, daily events.

In the past...i would rationalize my partner behavior:
-I don't really mind that my partner doesn't always say thank you
-I don't really mind that my partner makes plans without asking me first
-I don't really mind that my partner introduce me as her friend

I tell myself:
She's doing the best she can
She didn't learn this as a kid

What I realize that rationalize my girlfriend behavior doesn't eliminate them...it just drives them underground where they chew closer to the relationship foundatin.

Most of us have a difficult time taking our partners's small stuff seriously. It's hard sometimes to fully understand someone else's reality, even when we want to understand it. Yet the trick in
relationship is to find out which small stuff is most important to each partner and to make room for that stuff. This is part of what not being single is all about.

How do you handle your partner's anxieties? Do you take them seriously, and try to accommodate them whever possible? Or do you dismiss them easily because they're not your anxieties. And what about your anxieties? Do you try to hide them from your partner or do you
treat them as part of you that your partner need to accept and learn to live with? Anxieties are real, and they need to be acknowledged and accommodated. Otherwise, this is the kind of material that can create a powerful sense of separteness.

For examply...i get alot of email...and to separate the shopper form the buyer...i expect total surrender on the first date. I need totally acceptance. Most woman won't do it. They would open their heart but not their leg....which to me...is not really being open. They want to get what they want...that is to met me....but meeting me comes with a price.

It can be very hard for two individual with very different need and preference, to come to terms with the daily issues that surface around:

-shade up or down
-thermostate up or down
-window open or down
...ect. and the list goes on..think about everything that is coming into play here is:
sensitivity, habits, health requirement, emotional issues, financial concerns, control...control...control.... THE BIG PICTURE? THE BIG SMALL STUFF.

No two people have the same stuff, but that doesn't make it any less important. Being a better partner means learning to accept and prioritize little issues that have real weight for your partner. Don't diminish, discredit, or disregard your partner's small stuff because it isn't yours.

The key to working with the small stuff is active processing taking immediate action as each piece of stuff surfaces. There is no good time to deal with uncomfortable suff, even it small. So work in the moment and minimize the long-term impact of relatioships troubles