The posting about finding your partner needs and fulfilling them got responses. Here are some of the response.
Fulfilling SOME of your partner's needs comes naturally if you care about them and the relationship but for anyone to expect one person to fulfill ALL of their needs is asking a bit much isn't it?Wouldn't it make more sense to find a person whose sexual and emotional needs are similar to your own rather than having to 'strive' to fulfill the needs of a person you have no understanding of?
It appears pretty clear to me that people have things they need from their relationships with other people, and everyones needs are unique. From what I can see, to be healthy and happy, they simply must have those needs met, and that is a major factor in what drives them to form relationships. In my opinion, you simply cannot have a lasting monogamous relationship with someone and not meet their needs. You'll make them sick if they don't leave you, just as if you locked them away from sunlight or fresh air.The point isn't about a checklist, it's about a perspective, the responsibilities to your partner that you take on when you enter into a relationship and the recognition that you have a right to expect someone to meet your own needs if they're going to call themselves your partner.
NOBODY can fulfill all of your needs all of the time.
Ultimately YOU are responsible for your own satisfaction & sanity which is a state of mind,
there is a reason why the words "acceptance" and "compromise" exist ,to what extent you will accomodate is an individual decision.
LOVE is about giving without conditions.
LOVE is about trusting without doubt.
LOVE is about giving affection without demanding it in return.
GIVE and you shall receive in abundance without even asking, and if it is not reciprocated, your consience is clear that you have given your all.
Relationships are not just about love. There are women I love with all my heart that I would never in a million years have a relationship with.
Personally, I think I have pretty simple needs, and I can express them in very simple and clear terms when things are getting serious. If a woman doesn't want to meet them all, it doesn't mean she's a bad person or that I should stop loving her, but it does mean that she just chose not to be in a monogamous relationship with me, and I'll tell her so in as kind a fashion as I can. Some things are not negotiable, that is what makes them needs, everything else is subject to compromise.
Treat others the way you want to be treated. True from the clerk at the grocery store to the love of your life. You can't go wrong with that mantra. So, you like being pampered by your lover, then pamper your lover. Give what you wish to receive.
It helps when we clearly understand what it is WE are looking for in a partner, not so that person can try and fit into that mold, rather so we can notice that person when they come into our lives. Most often we overlook the keepers because we do not have a clear vision of what we are seeking.
To expect someone to violate their personal boundaries to fulfill your sexual needs is sick. That has nothing to do with love and is totally disrespectful. It smacks of machismo. If all you want is to be serviced, hire a prostitute. Better that, then make your girlfriend feel like one.
Sincerely, if you want to find a woman to love and respect you for who you are, you must also reciprocate in kind. That means you don't expect her to service your needs at the expense of her own self respect. This is so wrong on so many levels...not that you have sexual desires...but that you expect someone to compromise their values so that you can get off.
There's nothing wrong with the oppsite sex having sexual needs and wanting them fulfilled. We all want to have a satisfying sex life, right? But you're either sexually compatible with your partner or your not. If you're not compatible but want to stay with them, you have to compromise so that their values are not being violated. That means giving up some of what you want. You can't expect them to change.Trying to force an unwilling partner to perform sexual acts that goes against their value system is abuse, plain and simple. You don't have a right to ask your partner to do it any more then you do a stranger you picked up one night in a bar.
If you want more, don't settle for less. Go out and find what you want
Sorry, I don't agree with that. If you're in a monogamous relationship, you have a responsibility to your partner to perform sexual acts with them. Not at their beck and call, but you do have a responsibility... it's part and parcel with the whole "you and no one else" thing. You don't get to pick and choose the bits of that commitment you want and discard the rest. It goes for both sexes... a man has a responsibility to take satisfying the woman he's with seriously too and not neglect her because of overtime, etc.
What's being debated is expecting sexual acts that go against someone's personal morals. It could be bestiality, swallowing cum while performing fellatio, group sex, anal sex without a condom, etc. If a person finds any of these offensive or unsafe, they shouldn't be expected to perform because their partner really wants to explore this avenue of his/her sexuality. No one has an entitlement to sex that goes against the morals of their partner. (Btw..these are examples to illustrate the point only.
"Most people just don't want to do it because it might go against what they think, or their boundaries...or whatever." and interpreted it in the worst possible light. I wasn't aware that "bestiality, swallowing cum while performing fellatio, group sex, anal sex without a condom" was real big on most peoples, but I know there are entire sections of bookstores full of books on how to restore intimacy in your relationship and multiple pages in the phone book full of people who are making a full time business out of giving advice. Having had this problem before, the advice most frequently given is "Just do it... you may not be in the mood when you start, but with practice you'll get in the mood once you've started."
I've always shown/taught my lovers what I like and I ask for them to show me in turn. I believe that in every relationship, or at least a good one, you should treat him like a KING and he should treat you like his QUEEN. I also firmly agree, that, it's the "little things" that show how much you love them...examples: my love wakes first and showers, he draws me a little heart on the bathroom mirror, so that when I wake up and shower, I see it there...and it ALWAYS puts a smile on my face. Another GREAT idea....take nice long baths together and take turns washing each others hair....MMMMMMM..pure bliss, I'm telling ya! I fix his lunch the night before and I"ll put little love notes inside..or I've even been known to put a dirty little story of what I plan to do to him when he gets home..LOL (he says those are his favorites). However....there are still the "SELFISH PEOPLE", those who won't listen, or don't care what your needs are, as long as theirs are being met. So, if you're lucky and you find a good mate, treat them like GOLD, for they are more precious. When you say that you should be entitled to have someone go against their personal morals or values to fulfill your own sexual needs, you are opening the doors to abuse. Perhaps in your mind, the sexual act you are asking for is no big deal, but it could be to the other person. When we start to disregard each other's values...we lose some of our humanity.
I just know the damage that can result from someone thinking they have sexual entitlements and applying constant pressure to realize them...or even forcing themselves on another.As a person many years in recovery from alcoholism, I have met many men and women who were victims of sexual abuse. Usually it is women. Many of these women were in situations where they were forced to perform demeaning sexual acts, for fear of being punished. They did not want to. They felt they had to. They were afraid on many levels...the lowest being afraid of losing the relationship, to the greatest, afraid of losing their life. They carry these emotional scars still; scars that eat at their souls.
In healthy relationships, both partners should want to fulfill each other's sexual needs. If one is adverse to something, the other should understand and back off. That should be the end of it. There should be no cajoling or complaining or manipulation. When one person disregards the moral essence of another, the relationship will deteriorate. It is quite possible that the sex will dry up all together, and that serves no one.
And...we really can't force square pegs into round holes, although I have tried in the past. lol (No more.) If someone is not sexually aggressive enough for you and you can't personally handle it...it's time to move on. Find someone you are compatible with. It's just not fair to expect someone else to go against their morals.
That is correct. In healthy relationships, both partners should want to fulfill each others needs for love sex and intimacy. If one partner doesn't, that partner is neglecting the other.
In such a circumstance, there are 4 things that can happen:
1) You end the relationship because your partner isn't holding up their end
2) You follow the dance that your partner has laid for you and try to take what you need - co-dependent abuser
3) You refuse to follow the dance but stay with the person and deny your needs - co-dependent victim
4) Your partner decides to stop neglecting you and you work together to establish a new pattern
It's really terrible that you've encountered so many abused women whos partner chose door number two. Personally, I've encountered a lot more men who chose number three and just suffer in silence. I did. And when I tried to work with my ex to change things, she justified her neglect with the same sort of rhetoric that you've been throwing around .Obviously, you either ended up with a partner who chose door number two and justified it with rhetoric similar to the or spent a lot of time in the company of people who did, which is what pisses you off so.
If you have a moral structure that precludes you satisfying your partner sexually, it's unethical to enter into a relationship in the first place. You're entering a social contract with no intentions on holding up your end. It's wrong for your partner to physically force you, and it's wrong for your partner to make you feel bad for your sexuality. But it's not wrong at all for them to call you to task for neglecting them, and if that makes you feel bad, well, you deserve to. After all, you accepted the role of your own free will.
I've been in a relationship with a man who had a much lower sex drive then me and it was frustrating, but it was not his fault. He wasn't doing anything wrong. He wasn't trying to withhold pleasure from me. He was just trying to live his life to the best of his ability. He was on meds that interfered with his drive and he was depressed. I didn't resent him for this, and I adapted. So, I would have preferred a much more exciting sex life because I have a high sex drive, but I wanted him so I dealt with it. I firmly believe the essence of what I posted to be true. Believe me, I would be disappointed if my future husband or lover decided he didn't want to pursue certain things sexually...but I wouldn't feel that he had an obligation to service me. I wouldn't leave him for that. I would find other ways to pleasure myself. If he willfully withheld sex to manipulate or punish me and wouldn't change that, then that would be grounds for ending the relationship; but not withholding certain acts because he found them immoral. There's a difference.And, I would do my best to determine sexual compatibility before things got really serious...and that's all I could do. We never know what the future brings. My lover could become paralyzed and not be able to perform. I wouldn't walk away from him in this case either.
I truly think every couple should discuss what behaviour they will and will not tolerate from the other, whether it be emotional, physical or sexual. Of course, you don't want to blurt it all out at once. As each occasion arises, you show them a little more of who you are. I can see why you might hold out a little hope that your partner might change his mind and wish to engage in more intense S & M down the road. There's nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you two are very respectful of each other. That's great. Kudos to you! I hope he does open himself up to this for you.
When it gets disrespectful is when there is constant pressuring or manipulation, even though they tell you no. When you start to emotionally and/or physically abuse them to get your way. You might get angry and shout at them, using demeaning language to show them how wrong them are. You might give them the silent treatment and stop loving interactions with them. You might go out and have an affair. You might force yourself on them. None of these solutions are OK. If you're not happy and you can't live with it, end the relationship and find someone who you are compatible with.
Everyone has different morals, ethics and personal histories that dictate who they are and what they can live with. For instance, it would be extremely unfair to ask a victim of rape, to act out a rape fantasy for you where you were the perpetrator, if they were against that. It wouldn't matter how harmless or "vanilla" the whole scenario seemed to you. What would matter is the fact that it would traumatize them. Sometimes we need to look beyond our own needs, with the acknowledgment that there is nothing wrong with them. (Assuming there is nothing illegal about them.) So, if your partner does say no to something you see as harmless, remember, there could be something traumatic at the root of it that you don't know about. Something she/he is unable to tell you about.
If shyness or insecurity is at the root of it, then give them time to figure that out without pressure. If you show you are respectful of their needs, they just might surprise you down the road. Just, don't expect it. Unrealistic expectations can ruin a relationship.
Alot of this has to do with respect for your partner and feelings, compomise is one thing, but the way you say it isn't compromise, it's putting pressure on your partner to take care of your needs, and that doesn't happen with compromise....If she isn't comfortable with doing it then that is just the way it is. Talk to her about it and if she insist on no, then you deal with it. If it is something you don't like that much then you decide whether to walk or not. But you shouldn't be finding this out so far into the relationship for it to be a surprise.
If the communication isn't there or or the other partner isn't listening then get relationship consulting or get out of the relationship. You think going elsewhere and cheating on the person is gonna solve one of the issues you had before you cheated? NOOOOOOOOOOOO a person can't be that stupid to think that.
ugh she won't give me sex so im gonna cheat on her? oh yea that will help...people cheat cuz they are stupid, period. They can't handle the communication, the stress, and can't be a MAN to own up to the hardship that is before him in that relationship...but it's being a MAN to go out and cheat on your significant other? That is being a coward, not being a man.
It's MORALS......need to get a grip on what the meaning of morals mean. I don't care if you aren't getting what you want, she isn't doing this or that, you either talk to her about it, get counseling, or split up. Going out to boink someone else isn't solving one problem. It is adding 1 more to your list of problems that you already have...and if you can't handle what problems you already have let's add 1 more? geeze. See, too many people when they have a problem they go outside of the issue to add 1 more to it, instead of sucking it up and being a man and do what you promised in your heart to do with your significant other. If she turned around and cheated on you would you be all for it.
Yea, DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD WANT DONE TO YOU. hmmmmm it's not rocket science.
If you are sitting there asking yourself if you have to wait months or years to get the amount of sex that you want, then why are you in the relationship at all????????????????? maybe if you were more concerened of your partners needs outside of sex...she would be more comfortable and more in tune and closer to you in the other areas down the road.....sex is more then fullfilling your sexual hunger, it's about fullfilling your mental hunger as well
I DID EVERYTHING MY HUSBAND ASKED OF ME!!!! Even though I didn't want to..it's the way I was raised, or actually, "trained" is a better word. You see, I was raised in the deep south (in Louisianna) and I was "trained" how to be the perfect wife....You know what that is? Evidently, the "perfect wife" has no opinion of her own..she thinks what her husband tells her to, she does WHATEVER HE TELLS HER TO, in the bedroom and out!! I did things that made me feel "DEGRADED", USED, CHEAP, no better than a common whore (well less really...at least they get paid..LOL) I even allowed anal sex (which hurt like hell, because, he took no time with me, he just rammed it in) Tthe BIGGEST INSULT, THE ONE THING THAT GAVE ME THE STRENGHT TO LEAVE HIM.....HE CHEATED ON ME!!! So, there goes that point...sometimes, people cheat..wether from lack of morals, to no will power, to just wanting to "fullfill their needs". Everything does not revolve around you and your sexual demands!!! You are not talking about dicussing needs, you're talking about, "either do what I want, or you don't love me"..Please!...I can't tell you how many times that "attitude" was used on me in highschool. Not to mention, that, that very attitude in and of itself, is what can destroy a relationship. There is the pressure that you are putting on your partner(trust me I've felt it)..in which you no longer need to "voice" it, it's in your attitude and will eventually cause, said partner, to start to withdraw...until finally, they will leave you. You, sir, are trying to "advise" in ways of "FULLFILLING YOUR PARTNERS NEEDS", I'm sorry to say this (ok, so, not really) but you've got it ALL WRONG. Fullfilling your partners needs goes way beyond sex...don't get me wrong, I love to make love....as often as I can..it's my favorite thing to do..LOL There are things that I know my love, may NEVER want to try...does that, should that make a difference in how I feel about him? NO! It means that I ( yes, me) COMPROMISE and realize that what I feel for him..how I feel about myself when I'm with him...the respect and devotion we both have for each other..all that is worth so much more, than me getting my way....There's a saying that my people have..YOU'VE ACHIEVED A HIGHER ENLIGHTENMENT.. WHEN THE NEED TO BE HAPPY, IS MORE IMPORTANT, THAN THE NEED TO BE RIGHT. Rebuttal? I am no longer the same woman...I grew up and took back my power. I now realize how pathetic men like the good DR. are...so concerened with themselves...I wonder...if his partner NEEDED him to wear a dress in public...would he FULLFILL that nee
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