I am filled with so much love today. I am also exhausted beyond anything I have ever felt before. My eyelids are huge and heavy. When they fall across my eyes, I cannot open them again for several moments. Eyelids closed, I feel a small amount of relief from a headache that has become so regular that I do not even notice it anymore.
Each time this happens, it takes some reserves of strength I have never known before not to collapse. But this is not written yet - and it must be. Soon enough, I think, I will be able to rest. Soon, I pray, she will hold me in her arms and stroke the hair out of my eyes. I will feel her cool hands on my hot temples and they will be soothing, as if anointed. Her hand on my shaking chest will be warm and my heartbeat slow finally, and I will breathe no longer in gasps, and a million fears and doubts will quiet in my shouting brain. And I will sleep, for the first time in a week, I will sleep the sleep of a man at peace. And, for the first time in my life, I will sleep the sleep of a man held by his true love.
And when I wake up again, the world will have changed. The colors brighter, the resolution deeper. A world vivid and bursting. A place to share and explore. To create... wonderful things. Every thing will be in its right place, after so many years of wandering through the tall grass, wandering through the forest blind and sad and silent.
But that is not this night. This night, exhaustion drowns my soul, and I cannot even see straight. I feel as if the weight of everything I have done this week has finally caught up to me, as if I cannot keep my head above the water. I feel as though I can do no other thing but surrender. This is the feeling, I think, this must be the feeling of dying. And it is at that moment, when all hope seems lost and the world seems to recede, I think of you. It is with that, with the sound of your voice saved on my cellphone, with the memory of your lips on my lips, that I come back.
And I am filled with the strength of an army, filled with the bristling determination to go forward and finish what I have begun. I made a commitment to you, to show you all of the things I love about you, to change your mind, and open your eyes to the beauty of the possible. If I weaken, if I waver, I could not look into the mirror again. I could not face myself, to have disappointed you in this moment of trial, in this, the most important moment in my life.
Because I need your love. It has a sustaining effect on my soul. It is a blessing, it is a nourishment, it is the most incredible thing I have ever felt. I will never, never let it go, not while there is life left in my fingers, not while there is strength in my spirit.
Yesterday, something happened that was stunning. I have not doubted, since I met you, that we were meant to be together, but thus far I have only had my own intuition to tell me that. But now, I have backup. I have a credible, citable source - I know that this was ordained by powers that I cannot understand (and have, thus far, chosen not to believe in). I have never in my life seen a thing that made me believe in fate until yesterday, but yesterday, I did see. And it opened my eyes to you.
When I tell you about it, you will scare believe that it could happen. It made me afraid and, simultaneously, took away my fear. It was unplanned - and caught me off guard, left me speechless. It made me bold and it made me feel like the universe loves you and me and wants us to love each other.
I know you are afraid. I remember when you were afraid of saying that you love me, because once you do, you can never take it back. You're afraid of what that means. You're afraid you're not ready for this.
I understand. I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed and caught unprepared. It's frightening. You cannot tell what will happen, if things will work. And, worst of all, you can never tell if you are truly ready. You say that you don't feel ready.
To that, I can only say that I love you. I love you for you are, whether you are ready for that or not. I love you in a way I couldn't even comprehend before I knew you. And I will wait as long as it takes for you to love me the same way. I will wait until you are ready. I will wait, day by day, month by month, even for years. I will wait while my hair grows gray and my breath grows short. I will wait until they shut the book on humanity and on and on and on and on and on. And on some planet a millionbillion light years away, they will see the two stars that seem to chase each other across the sky every night. And they will name them for us. It will be wonderful and sad. I will wait in the stars for you forever if you are not ready.
So, please don't make me wait that long. Each day that goes by is another day we won't spend together, another day we missed on this friendly green planet. Every moment that passes is one we could have shared, looking into each other's eyes in the candlelight. It's another month before our white wedding and another year before the brown eyes of our children. And time passes, it passes quicker than we believe, and in a blinking moment, we might turn and look back and our whole lives will have passed with no result, waiting to be ready for something this powerful. I don't think if I had spent a hundred years preparing, I'd have been ready for what you did to my soul.
There is so much we can give each other, so much we can learn and accomplish, so much we can build together. It seems a shame to miss a moment of it, when that love is here already, nestled between our souls. Waiting. For us. And it will wait. It will wait far longer than we have the capacity to, because our love is immortal
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