FAN:

You know late at night, when I am up I feel you around, I sense your presence. It is not like I am thinking about you. I try to deliberately keep you off my mind and it works especially when I am busy. But out of nowhere, despite this, (I am deep into whatever I am doing) your presence intrudes powerfully and constantly. I know that you are sleeping when this happen because of the time. So I have to come to the conclusion that when you are asleep and you are out of body, you are seeking me, looking for me because I am not there to meet you. Admission would mean that you made a mistake in your choice of a life companion by your ego and cock; I don't think that you like admitting that you have made a mistake about many things even to yourself.

I think you feel that you have all the time in the world to get to me when you feel like it. I think that you think and feel I'll be here always just like I always have been no need to worry about that regardless of how you act toward me or treat me. (I am not saying that to think and feel this way makes a person bad or wrong, it's just a matter of growth. I feel that you can't just love all the good about a person you have to be willing to love the not so positive too.) The saying that a crazy person, is a person that doses the same thing over and over expecting different result each time. I don't consider myself crazy,

Within my heart, I feel that you rejected me because I am older than what you wanted, despite the fact that you love me, you soul loves me. I will remind you of you own quote here

"Our soulmate seldom appeal to our personality (our ego). That's why they are called called soulmate and not egomates. ;-) I believe that all of us who long for love have ideal partners we are destined to meet in this life. But sadly, many of us will never bother to woo and win the one who would have suited us the best. You see...if you let your limited aspect of your mind direct your romantic affairs, you were probably too busy falling madly in love with the wrong people to spare him much attention. Chances are you won't recognize your meant-to-be-love next time you meet either because ....chances are ...he or she isn't your type."

this second quote of yours:

"I believe when two strangers meet, very few of us have the foresight or judgment to give each other a real chance."

God, Alex I love you so fucking much, I think that it is the love you feed off of, the love I have for you, but you will never really seek a physical expression of that love with me, or return that love to me. You have had so fucking much time to do so and still have not done it.

I think about all of the post that you wrote and the words that you said in them. I think about how I wrote you back saying that people say that they love like that but they really don't. I was right.

Do you have any idea of how I feel sometimes when it crosses my mind, do you? I know you do, you have love with all your heart and that person did you in some ways the same as you did me. Remember how it made you feel, remember how you felt they must have thought about you as a person, the value they placed on you to do this while you were trusting and believing in them, loving them, wanting for them, wanting for them that they could be, do, and have all that they desired, wanting to help them get it, to be there when they go it, remember? I know you do! Remember how you heart ached, ached, ached when you realized what their action meant in regard to where you truly fit in their life while you thought you had the chance to fit somewhere else? I know you do!!!!!!

There are times when my heart hurts so much because of that. I just want to forget everything so it won't hurt. I don't hold on to/let negative emotions that people have when someone hurts them (I have learned to go beyond that) toward you. The love did not stop I have for you. I know you know this too! But, I am not going to lie and say I don't get angry, and I don't feel pain about how you valued me and showed that value to me. There are times that I, Dam you, Dam my spiritual guidance who sent me to you, Dam my very soul, who loves you! There are times I wish I did not Love you, want you, want you to love me the way I love you. There are times that I pray and ask for help to get over all of this so that I don't hurt so badly. That it doesn't matter when you ignore me, lead me on then change your mind or lose interest. There are times that I wish I was stronger when it comes to you. You are the only man I have ever been weak with, break my rules for and come back to over and over again.
I need a man in my life who is openly committed to me, who makes me first, who is physically living with me, to inspire me and help me, with my life work, as I will with his, to create together. To love me, as I love him, which increases my ability to love beyond what is now, so that it is radiated out into the world through my energy, my energy work, a man who will understand the principles, concepts and visions that my spirituality gives to me and inspires me to bring into the world with my gifts. A man who will balance me by inspiring me to be more involved in using my gifts toward our planet and it inhabitance, when I am reluctant to influence certain areas, (remember that counter balance I wrote to you about). They know that I have be alone too long (learning and growing to my present level of spirituality, and emotional balance in preparation for him) to accept being hidden and a part time, or sometimes having his physical presence, time, attention, commitment and love to be happy, and at peace (all of which will influence what I give in my energy work to the world).

So when they step in, and influence my words with you; I wonder what is in store for me. I don't want to believe that they would a second time have me get involved with you and not give me what I require. What as a lightworker, I need in a companion to help me do my job. But because of past circumstances between us regardless of what I don't want to believe, There is a part of me that is watching and waiting and apart that is preparing to move on to make way and find that companion for myself and not just rely on what they are saying or trying to influence me with. So, I am not a crazy person. I am not waiting on you to wake up and realize I am here! But you don't see me! So, don't think everything is sewn up for you and I will always be here. I have changed the way I do things because what I did before did not get me the result that brought me happiness, mostly heartache, which is still continuing.

Now I am embracing my bad girl part of myself that I keep pushed down (yeah, she was always there, I ignored her most of the time, like you ignore me) being anything less than a moral slut is not for me now. I intend to inform the man that I will have sex with of my limitation in that area, and that I expect him to bring me up to par, and that I am a willing and excellent student because I like to excel when I choose to learn something, and once learned those skill will be devoted to him. I'm still who I was, still believe all that I believed as a good girl when it comes to a relationship, it just that I will be going about it in a sluttier way, and I am thinking about adopting your principle and using your tactics of the arranged relationship with my new male teacher. Like you always say "LOVE IS A CHOICE"

This sound hard and cold in writing, but what I am trying to convey is, I love you, I always will. I would love for you to be my life companion to be all that I said I need to benefit the world with my gifts. Weak for you yes, crazy no, and a heart can only hurt so long before a person seeks relief, else where.