Why is commitment worth all the effort that goes into making it work? I think it is human nature to commit to another. No one wants to be alone. There are three main reason:
-everyone hate change. We don't really want to change partner. I don't. To be attached and deattached is exhausting. I am tired of it.
-The grass is never greener on the other side
-People are just plain lazy and cheap. They don't want to go to the expense, time, or effort to plant and grow a whole new damn lawn. Hell I don't.
Commitment to me...means stability...stability for my children when I have them, the family and each other. We live in a world of expected instant gratification: faxes, cell phone, email and TV. Everything is changing so constantly and quickly that I can't seem to get my bearing sometimes. I am so tired of doing it on my own and being strong constantly. I need stability in my life than ever before. This is the gift of grace that staying committed can give. Commitment eases our feeling of anixety and depression in a increasing disconnected society. Married men live longer and have fewer infectious illnesses and heart attacks. They are better off psychologically and physically, regardless of the quality of the relationship.
I want to snuggle with my partner before I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning. I like to have a woman in my life. She might not be my divine soulmate or my spiritual partner or even my closet friend. She will simply be my beautiful woman, my wife, and my best friends and in her own way, she will always be there for me. I notice that woman are no longer will jsut grin and bear with relationship. The face of commitment has changed. The days are gone with a woman would put up with anything just to keep a man. It's new face require that a woman be strong and independent. In a way it makes me sad....because unless it's abusive relationship, why get a divorse...why break up if there is a real possibility you could make it work if you just knew how? I hear from my guys I know who have divorced and remarried....saying "I'm back in the same situation--just different set of problrms and a different woman"
Trying to find Ms. Right is a fantasy. After all my pain and suffering I can tell you this: love isn't something you find....it's something you develop. Love is less a matter of the person you choose than of the kind of relationship you are able to create.
For me to really understand why I want to leave relationship in the past...i had to take the emotional journey back to when woman began becoming an important part of life. I had to really look at what role my choices in dating relationship played in my developing sense of who I was or wasn't. In the beginning...underneath my civilized veneer bubbles a pot of purely instinctual brew of primal origins that can cause me to fall madly and uncontrollably in love with woman who were HOT...attractive...beautiful. Instincit point me toward woan who will enhance the survival of the family. My survivalist nature seek the woman with beauty. I would go :gaga over them. I remember this one girl in high school...Valerie...she was a cheerleader..beautiful...
Well back to my dating life...Actually it would be more accurate to say..my non-dating life. It wasn't until college that really dated. None of them really touch my heart.....I met Cori in my acting class. She was like my Valerie of high school...I couldn't believe it ..and she started talking to me. She was HOT...a body that didn't quit. My true love, my destiny!....It still scares me to think that I would drop everything for her. I was so in love with Cori's looks that I totally overlooked the fact that she only calling to go out with me for shows we had to go see for our acting class. Fake love is so dangerous....not only because it is never basis for a healthy,real relationship, but more importantly, because it causes you to become someone you would never want to be. I don't like very much of anything I did for Cori, but I despise the fact that my self-image was so low that I was in dire need of her. How did it end? I wish I could say that my learning to value myself, I learned to see through and not need the Valeries of the world, But that didn't come until much later. I found out she was still in love with her boyfriend at home. Without her fancy clothes and beauty...she wasn't my dream girl anymore either. That is what Fake love does to you. It's as shallow as it make you feel, and I was feeling pretty shallow. But even now sometimes...I do want that pretty woman in my arm to tell the world and all those people who thought I was a loser..unattractuve...that they were WRONG....TOTALLY WRONG ABOUT ME. I did find someone to love me...and she is beautiful.
The next time around I was going to get involve in a woman who I valued things such as being smart, being kind....some of the few things I was aware enough to love about myself. I was proud of these qualities, so I searched for a woman who also tresured these qualities in herself and me. Theoretically, if you have a good, strong, power sense of self-esteem, you will only be able to love someone with good self-esteem. The sad part of this thought process...is that it easily explain why so many people look for love in all the wrong places. Like attract like. Insecure men with low self-esteem always seem to fall for woman who are insecure and have low self -esteem. I was looking for Ms. Personality. I found her in Valerie number two. Valerie was an average looking woman who was hanging around me and David (my best friend at that time) Because our lack or self-esteem was about the same, we were amazingly comfortable together. We never said an unkind word to each other, we never hurt each other's feeling, we never argued, and we always smiled. It felt right. For about a year..I was in love with Valerie. Then It happened I learned that fake love is dishonest. Valerie and I would never tell each other the truth about ourselves,,each other, or anything else because we were too afraid and too fragile to risk not being liked. It's so easy to see not that two insecure people can only produce an fake type of love. I need to mention here what I mean by insecurity...on the surface, both Valerie and I appear to have our act together. I was going to medical school in the fall and she was doing her last year of college. No one in their right mind would have called either of us insecurity. But on a relational and emotional level...i was immature and very insecure as Valerie was too. My whole frame of reference regarding my self-esteem was based on what I could academically. I truly never stopped to think about who I was, what my values were, or even what my boudaries were. It wasn't until i was in my thirites that I began to find any sort of what I call self love. And there was no way I could have a relationship with another peroson without even being close to having one with myself. In the end...Valerie cheated on me with David. I never talked to either one of the again.
When I ended things with Cori and Valerie....I didn't feel too much of anything except a need to move on (to what or whom, i had no idea, but moving on sounded pretty good. I needed some explanation as to why, whenever a woman and I was dating would try to show real love to me, I would always sabotage the relationship and run like a scared rabbit. And then came Joanne.......
Joanne woke me up. She accepted me. I was so afraid she would reject me because of my looks. I was afraid she would reject me because I wasn't rich enough. I was in my residency and I had student loans and was working like a dog.The first time she saw me...she grab my hand...just a few minute after meeting me. She accepted me....wasn't afraid to touch me. God i was so hungry to be touch. It was such a long time when someone even touch me....because for 4 years I was studying in medical school. She didn't think i was ugly...she didn't think i was stupid...she didn't think i was bad. She held me...I can stress how important she was to me. Without her there would have been no blog....no website..nothing. I would have been like so many other people. Sleep waking in my life. Nothing touch me....I had wall so high and so thick that nothing got in....but she did. The simple act of human kindness that was lacking all my life....isn't that sad? All my life.. everyone picked on me. All my life everyone isolated me ..because I wasn't the ideal man. All my life....everyone was telling me that how defected I was. No one would ever love me...NO ONE...and yet she did. She was beautiful ...she was kind...and she loved me. Everything I learned about love and sex came from her. She made me feel like a man. It is kind of sad to really think about this for a moment. There aren't alot of nice and kind people in this world. I had date for a long time now....and I am here to tell you that most woman are not kind....not courtesy. They are far in between. I can understand why certain men didn't want to be with the vast majority of woman out there. Maria was kind, Joanne was kind. Katherina was kind..and that is about it. (Out of the hundred of date i must I gone out throught my life). What I can tell is that being with Joanne was the best years of my life....and three in a half years later when we broke up was the wors time of my life. I had to seek professional help.. I loved her with everything I had. I never wrote a love letter before or poetry till she came into my life. When they talk about those love in the movies, literature and art....I finally undestood what they were talking about. I am not living in the past...and No i am not still in love with Joanne and I am not looking for another Joanne. She has a place in my heart....always and that is it.
After Joanne....I had series of safe relationship...until i met Melissa...
MY LOVOLOGY PART 2
Acting or reacting to response to a fear-driven instead of love driven affect your relationship. MY INTERNAL FEAR OF NOT BEING ACCEPTED played a huge role in my falling in love for very poor reasons. It still is. That is why I don't dat much anymore. That is why I want most woman to surrender to me from day one.This fear above all else. The extrenal forces caused internal cue from pressures of family, friends, and society to date. Such pressure can create tremednous feelings of internal fear---fear of not fitting in of waiting until it's too late, or people thinking you are unwanted, strange, or whatever. I realized that I could not live my life through fear and have any chance to love. I more whole i became...the less i would live and love through fear. Fear will always produce fake love.
Fake love can occur when you fall in love with a woman who has traits inherently familar to you. You do this because even though these traits may be pretty lousy, they are at least familiar and comfortable nad a known entity. For example...if your father was always at the office...this is a familiar to you and this increase the odds that you will be attracted to someone with similar trait. Or possibly your mother was more involved with her own life or your fathers's or your brothers then she was with yours. This non-involvement is what you were used to . You could eaily fall for a man who involved himself only in his own interests even while he professed adoration to you. The reason...it is easy to love a man who has all the familiar traits of your main caregiver. Everything feels so confortable because that is all you have ever know about love. A woman may fall in love with a man very much like her father, Perhaps you grew up with a father who never gave you unconditinal love...so you make a identiication with the familiar and you might fall head over heels for a man who is distant, self-centered, and controlling. This guarantees fake love.
You fall in love by recreating your childhood through identification with the familar and then point out different character traits of your partner that fill in your childhood wounds. You feel so in love. ...why? because you are using fake love to convince yourself that by being in a relaitonship with this peson with these familiar characteristics, you can have a happy ending. You finally feel approval you always wanted as a child. What a
I think one of the causes of fake love is when you identify with the familiar. When you met someone who has the traits with which you are familiar and traits that you are missing and need to fill in to help you be hold. By acknowledge the negatives you have become used to, you can use this new awareness to keep from being attractive to negative familiarity. Awareness is all it takes.You must stop yourself from being unconsciously attracted to certain type of people. I have to tell you it's very hard. Like i wrote before...i still get attracted to beautiful woman...because of what my old brain wants. My old brain wants me to find a mate who will ensure my survival. It tells me that physical appearance and social standing are respected by your clan and provide safety by ensuring my continued belonging. My old brain is like living in cave man time...and my new brain is looking for way to satisfy mental, emotional, and spiritual needs. In other words. My lovology has stayed in cave men time because I was still loving like my ancestor did, but only loving with my old brain, getting into a relationship and the using my new brain to finally ask...." Why am I so unhappy?" True love recognize old brain message and then using your new brain to understand these message, work through your feelings and then develop true love for your partner.
The baggage from our childhood needs that were no met or past relationships or incidences, it always leaves an old brain fear of not feeling safe that must be worked through only by you. This bagges goes along with you on every date. I had a overprotective parent who for a long time denied my autonomy and independence by telling me in so many way to be careful, watch out, or you might get hurt. I know they were protecting me ...but they also sent me a message that I couldn't handle going out in the real world without them being there to watch me. I also picked up baggage at school...where everyone was picking on me...beating me up and calline me names. To be safe, to be accepted, and to be loved you have to lose or repress parts of yourself. I learned to not express:
-my anger
-deny my sensuality
-submit rather than assert
-to deny my needs in favor of other...
and so on.
I survived, fragmented but alive and as i grew up and created relationships outside the family...i carried these unmet fear and needs and sought out people who I believed could meet them and they sought me out for the same reason. I didn't deal with until my relationship with Melissa. Before her...my old brain reacted to what i was experiencing daily in my life...I would fall in love using my old brain and this is the main reason my relationship failed. I entered relationship with the expectation that my partner will magically restore me whole. And I have to say it again here for myself and you that ONLY YOU CAN PROVIDE YOUR WHOLENESS. Only you can use the new brain to sort through the baggage of fractured wholeness and begin healing begins. Remember...you partner is only giving you an illusory sense of wholeness. Relationship fail when you're in love but not whole. The only true way to recapture wholenesss is to develop the missing traits yourself.
People often ask me...why me? Why are you surrendering to me? I could be anyone.When the time is right, no matter who the particular partner is ,,,you tend to fall in love. The problem is the timing is usually inspired by the head, not the heart. External force such as finishing college or becoming financially secure...make timing articial reason to seek a serious relationship. Falling in love only because it is time to do so is likely to result in an unhappy, unfilled relationship
MY LOVOLOGY PART 3
-everyone hate change. We don't really want to change partner. I don't. To be attached and deattached is exhausting. I am tired of it.
-The grass is never greener on the other side
-People are just plain lazy and cheap. They don't want to go to the expense, time, or effort to plant and grow a whole new damn lawn. Hell I don't.
Commitment to me...means stability...stability for my children when I have them, the family and each other. We live in a world of expected instant gratification: faxes, cell phone, email and TV. Everything is changing so constantly and quickly that I can't seem to get my bearing sometimes. I am so tired of doing it on my own and being strong constantly. I need stability in my life than ever before. This is the gift of grace that staying committed can give. Commitment eases our feeling of anixety and depression in a increasing disconnected society. Married men live longer and have fewer infectious illnesses and heart attacks. They are better off psychologically and physically, regardless of the quality of the relationship.
I want to snuggle with my partner before I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning. I like to have a woman in my life. She might not be my divine soulmate or my spiritual partner or even my closet friend. She will simply be my beautiful woman, my wife, and my best friends and in her own way, she will always be there for me. I notice that woman are no longer will jsut grin and bear with relationship. The face of commitment has changed. The days are gone with a woman would put up with anything just to keep a man. It's new face require that a woman be strong and independent. In a way it makes me sad....because unless it's abusive relationship, why get a divorse...why break up if there is a real possibility you could make it work if you just knew how? I hear from my guys I know who have divorced and remarried....saying "I'm back in the same situation--just different set of problrms and a different woman"
Trying to find Ms. Right is a fantasy. After all my pain and suffering I can tell you this: love isn't something you find....it's something you develop. Love is less a matter of the person you choose than of the kind of relationship you are able to create.
For me to really understand why I want to leave relationship in the past...i had to take the emotional journey back to when woman began becoming an important part of life. I had to really look at what role my choices in dating relationship played in my developing sense of who I was or wasn't. In the beginning...underneath my civilized veneer bubbles a pot of purely instinctual brew of primal origins that can cause me to fall madly and uncontrollably in love with woman who were HOT...attractive...beautiful. Instincit point me toward woan who will enhance the survival of the family. My survivalist nature seek the woman with beauty. I would go :gaga over them. I remember this one girl in high school...Valerie...she was a cheerleader..beautiful...
Well back to my dating life...Actually it would be more accurate to say..my non-dating life. It wasn't until college that really dated. None of them really touch my heart.....I met Cori in my acting class. She was like my Valerie of high school...I couldn't believe it ..and she started talking to me. She was HOT...a body that didn't quit. My true love, my destiny!....It still scares me to think that I would drop everything for her. I was so in love with Cori's looks that I totally overlooked the fact that she only calling to go out with me for shows we had to go see for our acting class. Fake love is so dangerous....not only because it is never basis for a healthy,real relationship, but more importantly, because it causes you to become someone you would never want to be. I don't like very much of anything I did for Cori, but I despise the fact that my self-image was so low that I was in dire need of her. How did it end? I wish I could say that my learning to value myself, I learned to see through and not need the Valeries of the world, But that didn't come until much later. I found out she was still in love with her boyfriend at home. Without her fancy clothes and beauty...she wasn't my dream girl anymore either. That is what Fake love does to you. It's as shallow as it make you feel, and I was feeling pretty shallow. But even now sometimes...I do want that pretty woman in my arm to tell the world and all those people who thought I was a loser..unattractuve...that they were WRONG....TOTALLY WRONG ABOUT ME. I did find someone to love me...and she is beautiful.
The next time around I was going to get involve in a woman who I valued things such as being smart, being kind....some of the few things I was aware enough to love about myself. I was proud of these qualities, so I searched for a woman who also tresured these qualities in herself and me. Theoretically, if you have a good, strong, power sense of self-esteem, you will only be able to love someone with good self-esteem. The sad part of this thought process...is that it easily explain why so many people look for love in all the wrong places. Like attract like. Insecure men with low self-esteem always seem to fall for woman who are insecure and have low self -esteem. I was looking for Ms. Personality. I found her in Valerie number two. Valerie was an average looking woman who was hanging around me and David (my best friend at that time) Because our lack or self-esteem was about the same, we were amazingly comfortable together. We never said an unkind word to each other, we never hurt each other's feeling, we never argued, and we always smiled. It felt right. For about a year..I was in love with Valerie. Then It happened I learned that fake love is dishonest. Valerie and I would never tell each other the truth about ourselves,,each other, or anything else because we were too afraid and too fragile to risk not being liked. It's so easy to see not that two insecure people can only produce an fake type of love. I need to mention here what I mean by insecurity...on the surface, both Valerie and I appear to have our act together. I was going to medical school in the fall and she was doing her last year of college. No one in their right mind would have called either of us insecurity. But on a relational and emotional level...i was immature and very insecure as Valerie was too. My whole frame of reference regarding my self-esteem was based on what I could academically. I truly never stopped to think about who I was, what my values were, or even what my boudaries were. It wasn't until i was in my thirites that I began to find any sort of what I call self love. And there was no way I could have a relationship with another peroson without even being close to having one with myself. In the end...Valerie cheated on me with David. I never talked to either one of the again.
When I ended things with Cori and Valerie....I didn't feel too much of anything except a need to move on (to what or whom, i had no idea, but moving on sounded pretty good. I needed some explanation as to why, whenever a woman and I was dating would try to show real love to me, I would always sabotage the relationship and run like a scared rabbit. And then came Joanne.......
Joanne woke me up. She accepted me. I was so afraid she would reject me because of my looks. I was afraid she would reject me because I wasn't rich enough. I was in my residency and I had student loans and was working like a dog.The first time she saw me...she grab my hand...just a few minute after meeting me. She accepted me....wasn't afraid to touch me. God i was so hungry to be touch. It was such a long time when someone even touch me....because for 4 years I was studying in medical school. She didn't think i was ugly...she didn't think i was stupid...she didn't think i was bad. She held me...I can stress how important she was to me. Without her there would have been no blog....no website..nothing. I would have been like so many other people. Sleep waking in my life. Nothing touch me....I had wall so high and so thick that nothing got in....but she did. The simple act of human kindness that was lacking all my life....isn't that sad? All my life.. everyone picked on me. All my life everyone isolated me ..because I wasn't the ideal man. All my life....everyone was telling me that how defected I was. No one would ever love me...NO ONE...and yet she did. She was beautiful ...she was kind...and she loved me. Everything I learned about love and sex came from her. She made me feel like a man. It is kind of sad to really think about this for a moment. There aren't alot of nice and kind people in this world. I had date for a long time now....and I am here to tell you that most woman are not kind....not courtesy. They are far in between. I can understand why certain men didn't want to be with the vast majority of woman out there. Maria was kind, Joanne was kind. Katherina was kind..and that is about it. (Out of the hundred of date i must I gone out throught my life). What I can tell is that being with Joanne was the best years of my life....and three in a half years later when we broke up was the wors time of my life. I had to seek professional help.. I loved her with everything I had. I never wrote a love letter before or poetry till she came into my life. When they talk about those love in the movies, literature and art....I finally undestood what they were talking about. I am not living in the past...and No i am not still in love with Joanne and I am not looking for another Joanne. She has a place in my heart....always and that is it.
After Joanne....I had series of safe relationship...until i met Melissa...
MY LOVOLOGY PART 2
Acting or reacting to response to a fear-driven instead of love driven affect your relationship. MY INTERNAL FEAR OF NOT BEING ACCEPTED played a huge role in my falling in love for very poor reasons. It still is. That is why I don't dat much anymore. That is why I want most woman to surrender to me from day one.This fear above all else. The extrenal forces caused internal cue from pressures of family, friends, and society to date. Such pressure can create tremednous feelings of internal fear---fear of not fitting in of waiting until it's too late, or people thinking you are unwanted, strange, or whatever. I realized that I could not live my life through fear and have any chance to love. I more whole i became...the less i would live and love through fear. Fear will always produce fake love.
Fake love can occur when you fall in love with a woman who has traits inherently familar to you. You do this because even though these traits may be pretty lousy, they are at least familiar and comfortable nad a known entity. For example...if your father was always at the office...this is a familiar to you and this increase the odds that you will be attracted to someone with similar trait. Or possibly your mother was more involved with her own life or your fathers's or your brothers then she was with yours. This non-involvement is what you were used to . You could eaily fall for a man who involved himself only in his own interests even while he professed adoration to you. The reason...it is easy to love a man who has all the familiar traits of your main caregiver. Everything feels so confortable because that is all you have ever know about love. A woman may fall in love with a man very much like her father, Perhaps you grew up with a father who never gave you unconditinal love...so you make a identiication with the familiar and you might fall head over heels for a man who is distant, self-centered, and controlling. This guarantees fake love.
You fall in love by recreating your childhood through identification with the familar and then point out different character traits of your partner that fill in your childhood wounds. You feel so in love. ...why? because you are using fake love to convince yourself that by being in a relaitonship with this peson with these familiar characteristics, you can have a happy ending. You finally feel approval you always wanted as a child. What a
I think one of the causes of fake love is when you identify with the familiar. When you met someone who has the traits with which you are familiar and traits that you are missing and need to fill in to help you be hold. By acknowledge the negatives you have become used to, you can use this new awareness to keep from being attractive to negative familiarity. Awareness is all it takes.You must stop yourself from being unconsciously attracted to certain type of people. I have to tell you it's very hard. Like i wrote before...i still get attracted to beautiful woman...because of what my old brain wants. My old brain wants me to find a mate who will ensure my survival. It tells me that physical appearance and social standing are respected by your clan and provide safety by ensuring my continued belonging. My old brain is like living in cave man time...and my new brain is looking for way to satisfy mental, emotional, and spiritual needs. In other words. My lovology has stayed in cave men time because I was still loving like my ancestor did, but only loving with my old brain, getting into a relationship and the using my new brain to finally ask...." Why am I so unhappy?" True love recognize old brain message and then using your new brain to understand these message, work through your feelings and then develop true love for your partner.
The baggage from our childhood needs that were no met or past relationships or incidences, it always leaves an old brain fear of not feeling safe that must be worked through only by you. This bagges goes along with you on every date. I had a overprotective parent who for a long time denied my autonomy and independence by telling me in so many way to be careful, watch out, or you might get hurt. I know they were protecting me ...but they also sent me a message that I couldn't handle going out in the real world without them being there to watch me. I also picked up baggage at school...where everyone was picking on me...beating me up and calline me names. To be safe, to be accepted, and to be loved you have to lose or repress parts of yourself. I learned to not express:
-my anger
-deny my sensuality
-submit rather than assert
-to deny my needs in favor of other...
and so on.
I survived, fragmented but alive and as i grew up and created relationships outside the family...i carried these unmet fear and needs and sought out people who I believed could meet them and they sought me out for the same reason. I didn't deal with until my relationship with Melissa. Before her...my old brain reacted to what i was experiencing daily in my life...I would fall in love using my old brain and this is the main reason my relationship failed. I entered relationship with the expectation that my partner will magically restore me whole. And I have to say it again here for myself and you that ONLY YOU CAN PROVIDE YOUR WHOLENESS. Only you can use the new brain to sort through the baggage of fractured wholeness and begin healing begins. Remember...you partner is only giving you an illusory sense of wholeness. Relationship fail when you're in love but not whole. The only true way to recapture wholenesss is to develop the missing traits yourself.
People often ask me...why me? Why are you surrendering to me? I could be anyone.When the time is right, no matter who the particular partner is ,,,you tend to fall in love. The problem is the timing is usually inspired by the head, not the heart. External force such as finishing college or becoming financially secure...make timing articial reason to seek a serious relationship. Falling in love only because it is time to do so is likely to result in an unhappy, unfilled relationship
MY LOVOLOGY PART 3
I first met Melissa at her apartment and within 5 min we were in bed. We had a sex session that last about 6 hours. I am not kidding. She was great in bed....one of the best to be honest. From day one ...unless we were in public...the first thing we did was make love. We made a bet that night that whoever quit would pay for dinner the next date. She lost. I met her at a place in Midtown the following week and we had dinner. We got a cab and she went down on me right there in then. In my head...i thought I hit the jackpot. She was slutty. She was strong, smart, very attractive, and a slut.I said to myself...here's a missing piece that Dr. A needs to be whole. She knew all the resturants in the city, was very sophicated.Because of my past experience I was fearful of not being able to handle things, being rejected, not being strong. Of course, I didn't know any of this back then, so this part of my wholeness was fractured and unhealed. My new brain didn't stand a chance. My old brain was in total control of my life and I was happy getting laid on a regular basis. Melissa had issues of her own. She was an orphan and her adopt parent at age 18 drop her off to college one day and that was it. She was afraid to get close to anyone. I was thrilled that a way has been found for someone else to try to heal the distance I had experienced in past relationship, yet stay distant enough not to scare me off. I didn't know then that only I could heal the space in my heart created by distant people. I didn't know that distance and love would be what make us, and break us.
God...fake love can be so deceiving. It feel powerful and strong that I just didn't pay attention to anything else, like friends, family, myself or any and all the warning signs from my brain. I only cared about making my entire life fit around Melissa. There were woman who tried to really get to know me as a person. These woman didn't hesiate to tell me and show me how much they cared about me...but this felt so unfamiliar and uncomfortable that each time this happened I would feel distressed, apprehensive, and scared. My self-esteem was fractured and wounded. My love for Melissa was perfect for my low level of self-confidence. The fact that Melissa emotionally distant made me love her moer for all the wrong reasons. I felt safe and secure because I knew she could always be distant enough to never really know the real me, and if she never really knew me, she would love me forever. Yes..it was fake love.but it was love nonetheless and it felt so real. After all, i remember thinking...how could anyone who really got to know the true me still love me?
Melissa took care of me...sexually and educated me about the city. She became my surrogate mother to be honest. She was just like my mom. Very controlling, tough, manipuateing...just like my mom...when I did something wrong she would break up with me. Back and fourth like this for years....it was horrible...and yet I continued with this. I was always wrong..she was always right. I came fully into my own as a fake person. If Melissa did something to make me angry...i didn't show it. If she did something to hurt my feeling..I kept it to myself. I was so unreal. She tried her own day-care center and she spent less and less time with our relationship. I didn't complain. Remember...i was so familiar with being second and third. I couldn't be honest with her about my feeling for a long time because I wasn't honest with myself. I didn't even knw I was supposed to think about these things. If I learned by truths and then Melissa learned about who i was--well she might not love me anymore. That might mean I was unlovable. My worst fear would be true. I didn't love myself enough to even think of dealing with this. Melissa's love and her pussy was the only relational validation I could understand. So I concentrated on trying to make Melissa life easier. Her needs were top priority. For me to act any differently might mean she wouldn't love me anymore....definitely a warning sigh of fake love.. I had a load of hormones ( we were fucking constantly) and tons of fractures. It was so much easier to let Melissa fill them in than me to heal them myself (plus it never occured to me that I could). Each time Melissa was assertive, spoke her mind, put her needs first, became impatient, or stood for herself...my old brain love would grow deeper. She had all things I lacked and she reminded me of my mother. These were all pieces of me that had gotten misplaced somewhere. Pieces that only I could find. But temporarily I was plugging up empty space with Melissa.
The final straw was this...I was already being Mr everything must me my fault man...that I was. I interpreted any unhappiness on anyone part as somehow being a resutl of something I did. But this time...the only thing I did was sent her a poem and she took what I wrote the wrong way. She just totally shut down...and became a total bitch. But that wasn't the worst of it.....was she ask to borrow a couple of thousand dollars from me..I am not talking about a one or two thousand...I am talking about ALOT MORE. I left totally uncomfrotable with doing that....Here it was..Melissa..keeps making me feel like shit....she would break up and come back into my life constantly and she wants me to hand over a large part of my saving...It just didn't feel right. I said NO. She broke up with me. Her needs were more important than my needs. That incident was a wake up call. I finally saw the light of how selfish, self-centered and totally unappreicated she was. In the past i have lead her money and she return the full amount, but this was too much a amount to give her. It really piss me that she blew 5 thousand dollars on blueprint for a place that fell through....Yet in our whole relationship...she was the most cheapest person I ever was with. She wanted to bed and breakfast....and wanted me to pay half....this is after I lead her five thousand dollars. All i got from that was help was a thank you and she took me to a steak house. My eyes finally started to open up. Like the movie. High Fidelty...."How did I make her the answer to all the world problem?" She push me to the point that I had to deal with my issues. He made me hate myself so much that I had to stand up for me. She past my pain threhold. At that moment...I chose ME. I didn't want to be distant from myself anymore. I chose empowerment.. By choosing love and honor myself, I was choosing life and real love. There was no turing back. I could not change Melissa, but I could create change. I could change me. I had to focus on me first and her second, so that I could get waht I wanted as well. It was then I began looking at the patterns of my childhood and young adulthood that I had brought into my relationship. I saw how over and over I allowed the people in my life that I cared about to get their way, no matter how deeply I disagreed with them. I realized how many pieces of myself I had lost throughout the years because I want to be a good little boy. I had lost the ability to stand up for what I believed. I had lost the ability to get angry and show it, to get really mad, to yell, be silly, to say what I wanted. I was amazed at how many years I operated through fear. I was afraid to speak my mind, afraid to never having another relationship, afraid of lose of income, afraid of being Mr. somebody.
God...fake love can be so deceiving. It feel powerful and strong that I just didn't pay attention to anything else, like friends, family, myself or any and all the warning signs from my brain. I only cared about making my entire life fit around Melissa. There were woman who tried to really get to know me as a person. These woman didn't hesiate to tell me and show me how much they cared about me...but this felt so unfamiliar and uncomfortable that each time this happened I would feel distressed, apprehensive, and scared. My self-esteem was fractured and wounded. My love for Melissa was perfect for my low level of self-confidence. The fact that Melissa emotionally distant made me love her moer for all the wrong reasons. I felt safe and secure because I knew she could always be distant enough to never really know the real me, and if she never really knew me, she would love me forever. Yes..it was fake love.but it was love nonetheless and it felt so real. After all, i remember thinking...how could anyone who really got to know the true me still love me?
Melissa took care of me...sexually and educated me about the city. She became my surrogate mother to be honest. She was just like my mom. Very controlling, tough, manipuateing...just like my mom...when I did something wrong she would break up with me. Back and fourth like this for years....it was horrible...and yet I continued with this. I was always wrong..she was always right. I came fully into my own as a fake person. If Melissa did something to make me angry...i didn't show it. If she did something to hurt my feeling..I kept it to myself. I was so unreal. She tried her own day-care center and she spent less and less time with our relationship. I didn't complain. Remember...i was so familiar with being second and third. I couldn't be honest with her about my feeling for a long time because I wasn't honest with myself. I didn't even knw I was supposed to think about these things. If I learned by truths and then Melissa learned about who i was--well she might not love me anymore. That might mean I was unlovable. My worst fear would be true. I didn't love myself enough to even think of dealing with this. Melissa's love and her pussy was the only relational validation I could understand. So I concentrated on trying to make Melissa life easier. Her needs were top priority. For me to act any differently might mean she wouldn't love me anymore....definitely a warning sigh of fake love.. I had a load of hormones ( we were fucking constantly) and tons of fractures. It was so much easier to let Melissa fill them in than me to heal them myself (plus it never occured to me that I could). Each time Melissa was assertive, spoke her mind, put her needs first, became impatient, or stood for herself...my old brain love would grow deeper. She had all things I lacked and she reminded me of my mother. These were all pieces of me that had gotten misplaced somewhere. Pieces that only I could find. But temporarily I was plugging up empty space with Melissa.
The final straw was this...I was already being Mr everything must me my fault man...that I was. I interpreted any unhappiness on anyone part as somehow being a resutl of something I did. But this time...the only thing I did was sent her a poem and she took what I wrote the wrong way. She just totally shut down...and became a total bitch. But that wasn't the worst of it.....was she ask to borrow a couple of thousand dollars from me..I am not talking about a one or two thousand...I am talking about ALOT MORE. I left totally uncomfrotable with doing that....Here it was..Melissa..keeps making me feel like shit....she would break up and come back into my life constantly and she wants me to hand over a large part of my saving...It just didn't feel right. I said NO. She broke up with me. Her needs were more important than my needs. That incident was a wake up call. I finally saw the light of how selfish, self-centered and totally unappreicated she was. In the past i have lead her money and she return the full amount, but this was too much a amount to give her. It really piss me that she blew 5 thousand dollars on blueprint for a place that fell through....Yet in our whole relationship...she was the most cheapest person I ever was with. She wanted to bed and breakfast....and wanted me to pay half....this is after I lead her five thousand dollars. All i got from that was help was a thank you and she took me to a steak house. My eyes finally started to open up. Like the movie. High Fidelty...."How did I make her the answer to all the world problem?" She push me to the point that I had to deal with my issues. He made me hate myself so much that I had to stand up for me. She past my pain threhold. At that moment...I chose ME. I didn't want to be distant from myself anymore. I chose empowerment.. By choosing love and honor myself, I was choosing life and real love. There was no turing back. I could not change Melissa, but I could create change. I could change me. I had to focus on me first and her second, so that I could get waht I wanted as well. It was then I began looking at the patterns of my childhood and young adulthood that I had brought into my relationship. I saw how over and over I allowed the people in my life that I cared about to get their way, no matter how deeply I disagreed with them. I realized how many pieces of myself I had lost throughout the years because I want to be a good little boy. I had lost the ability to stand up for what I believed. I had lost the ability to get angry and show it, to get really mad, to yell, be silly, to say what I wanted. I was amazed at how many years I operated through fear. I was afraid to speak my mind, afraid to never having another relationship, afraid of lose of income, afraid of being Mr. somebody.
MY LOVOLOGY PART 4
It is through your relationship that your life give your soul the only opportunity to experience your highest version of yourself. I learned after Melissa relationship that I had to follow my innated desire to regain wholeness by listening to my heart, not my head. I had to start believing at the core of my being...that I deserve to be loved and to be happy in my relationship. One of the hardest steps in developing your wholeness and therefore your self-respect, is the difficult discovery that you have responsibilities in this relationship. Your key responsiblity is to develop a loving relatinonship with yourself. Unless you choose to heal and become whole, yu will simply bring the same issues into the next relationship. Unless you choose wholeness first, you will fall in love with the same type of person again and again different person...same issues. Your relationship with yourself matters more than your relationship with anyone else. This gives you the power to love yourself, which in turn, may empower you to accept and love someone else. The first step is really to admit you have a problem. I decided that I will not be a closed up agreeable man I used to be. It take and incredible amount of energy to shape on'e self to fit someone else's need for distance and non-vulnerability. But no matter how tempting it is to me to confrom in the hope of gaining love, or feeling dafe, it cost me too much to be in a hierarchy when my heart is begging for connection and intimacy. No woman cannot heal me, fill in the wounded parts of me, and/or make me whole. this maant knowing how to become a self-validating, authentic, self-confident, self- responsible, whole man. I was:
-over-accommodating to everyone I cared about
-had difficulty setting limits regarding my time, energy, health and love
-was usually passive and uncomplaiing
-was the peacemakeer and harmonizer in my relationship
-put the need of everyone I cared about before my own
-thought I did not have the right to be angry
What I did was I decide to make a list of a few things that I really enjoy:
-bookstores
-go to the movies
-being with my family
-listen to music
I made them priority in my life. I had to work har at putting myself first. I decided also that instead of being nice....i was going to be honest. I decided that any person who does not accept me as I am is not someone who I wish to be with. By being who I am...I will attract people who love me for this very quality. I realized what I love best about myself is that everyday I fall "head-over heels" crazy in love with woman and even if they try to shut me out, ignore me, or withdraw from me. I know it is their loss.
Wholeness means knowing who you are and where you end and other begin. Being assertive and having boundaries means noticing in what situations or with which people you feel unlovable with. Do not give your power away. Do not let a woman or anyone else keep me from being who I want to be. love is a heartfelt desire to support another person in being all she or he be. It is not about making that person into your image of who you want. Wholeness is expressed as the ability to listen to and communicate your honest feelings.
Most people value a person no more than they value themselves...So, first you must operate as a whole person and validate yourself. This was tough for ...even today. I have a hard time accepting my looks. Everywhere we look, we take heat for looking abnormal as judged by the standard of the media, magazine ads, movies, TV--its everywhere. Who is this airbushed, nonwrinkled, muscular man? I know I never will see him, yet he assaults me daily. What really pisses me off are these woman who aren't perfect and want perfect men. It so fucken amazing...some have no breast, fat....whatever and just because they have the PY..they feel entitled to the best looking men. I am not 6 feet tall...I am not GQ. I am skinny and average. I have to come in terms with that. I still have problem with this even to this day.
I know you are getting fed up with all my writing about the reason you are sad or depress is because you are not whole enough, grateful enough, thankful enough, spiritual enough ...and on and on. I am sick of it myself....and i bet you are saying, "But I am thankful, I am spiritual, I am trying to find wholeness---and I still feel like I've been ridden hard and worn out". I hear you...i feel the same way. But if you don't become aware of your problem...the universe will make sure you will. Every unconscious person recieves a wake-up call, and if they don't pay attention, they will receive a whole series of them. These calls may be dramatic such as an illness, the breakup of a relatioship (which happen to me) or the death of a family member. They may be other stress....inducing events as a move to a strange town, or job change. ...or they many also come in ordinary packages...the chance remark of a friend, a blog like this one...or a dream.
One thing i learn from Joanne break up is the important of grieving. I read a book dealing with healing the inner child in you--"Heal the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw. This is why you see picture of me as a child on the blog now. For two month..i spent a few min a day...grieving for the boy who had been fractured and had lost so many pieces of himself that he didn't have enough self-esteem, or care enough about himself to consider what he really wanted in his life until he was over thirty years old. That boy could never get angry, never be upset or proud or difficult, or even just happy to be a guy. I had to be constantly perfect. My mom would find things wrong with me that I had to fix....thet woman I was attracted to you..would tell me I wasn't attractive enough. I greived for all the wholeness he lost and for the assertive, self-confident young man he could have been. Let't face it. Even if your parents or caregivers wee terrific, somehow, some way, somebody did a real number on youre self-esteem when you were a kids. All of us have invisible fractures. But do you see what a miracle this grieving really was? It was giving me back the fractured parts of myself. It was the path to becoming whole. I had to find the young boy who was buried in my unconsciousness for years. Not only did I have to find her, I had to know her, understand her, and learn to love her before I could grieve for her. For the first time in my life, I was cherishing myself by finally acknowleding and validating part of me that had gotten misplaced or temporarily lost over the years. Healing was happening. I was beginning to understand that I had to peacefully put the prior version of myself, the fractured part, to rest in order to be reborn. Although not quite trusting the new self that was emerging. By grieving for the lost young boy I could have been, I learned to love, cherish, and learn from him. He was teaching me what I needed to do to become whole. I would find my self-esteem, inherent worthiness, loves, dislikes, needs, joys and passions, I would never again say....poor me. I was so determined, so passionate, so excited...and suddenly ...so scared.
I was taking so many brave steps into emotioal consciousness that it was inevitable that I would become afraid. When you are in fear, you expect the worst to happen. I was consumed by the question of ...what if? Afraid of being alone, afraid of being poor, afraid of losing my job, afraid of rejection. I was always compromising so I wouldn't have to face my fears. I instinctively knew that to truly love myself and others, I needed to quit resisting all my fears, dive headfirst into them, and then move out of fear as soon as possible. So what did do?
-I spent money on myself. In the past I was cheap on myself and spend money on other to get their approval.
-I sat down and wrote exactly what I am looking for in a relationship. I wrote my values...how i wouldn't accept a lower standard of love anymore...and how i wanted to be in a good commited relationship. No more serial dating anymore. I would wait for the universe to sent the right person to me...with a little help from me.
-I became honest with my sexual energy..my sexual need...my fanasty. Not be shame of what i want. Sex on the first date....a slutty woman....a whore.
-brought a new car...and an apartment
-if i sense within the first few minutes of talking to someone that there is resistant in the air...and not harmony...i would wish them well.
-Stop thinking too much. ...I mediate now everyday. People think too much in my opinion
-exercise ..go to the gym twice a week...and use my stationary bicycle at home.
-wrote my mission statement
-decide to be honest...by writing in my blog....all my thoughts...dream...fantasy.
-i am getting to better now dealing with rejection from woman...they really don't have the power...i do. There value decrease with age...while my value increase in the social market to be honest.
Telling you to love yourself and be whole is easy. Explaining how to do it is difficult. It's also very easy to say you now love yourself and you are whole. But actually acting on that is a very different matter. My search for selr-wellness took years. But I realized when you are filled from within, you give from overflow, not from duty or deficit. You won't look to other for approval or permission because you are not the creator of your own actions. Lastly, as you become more yourself, you begin to be a causer, you are much less likely to be exploited, manipulated, or used. You can stand up for yourself when someone acts disrspectfully toward you, or demeaning or condescending. Living your life from love....means forgetting:
-to try to get people to see things your way
-thinking people will change
-blaming or fearing or complaining abut your partner
-holding grudges from the past.
I try to use a question from Conversation with God book;;;;"What would love do now?"
I try to live a healthy lifestyle about 8- percent of the time. And when I feel like I said or did something wrong, or acted about as non-loving as I've ever acted.. I forget it and chalked it up to 20 percent where everyone makes mistakes.
True love is bring able to make another person feel, even for just a moment, that you love them more than you love yourself. Only a person who has love for themself is able to give this gift to another. This is why relationship seem so hard. Since I was always taking care of her needs, being nice when I didn't feel like it, and accommodating everyone but me. That was loving another more than myself...wasn't it? My partner should have felt my love for all the things I did for her...right? The answer is NO. Others feel your love only when you're coming from the strenght of your own love. Real love has the strenght to see and forgive faults. To have true love, you must know your boudaries...only with this knowledge can you let your boudaries of self sometimes safely and beautifully blur with your partner as you become one. Even if just for a few second you are able to feel her pain and pleasure as if they were your own....you will know true love.
Something happens to you also...your preception of people change. All the trait that i was comfortable identified as familar with people i was meeting (being distant, brillant, self-centered, confident) were now the very same ones that made me totally irritated with woman. My old braind of being criticized, rejected, or considered unlovable weren't fear anymore. I had love in me. I knew I had the gift of bring able to love like I had never been hurt. No one could ever make me feel unlovable again. In fact, I so loving towards my newly empowered self that I realized that I deserved a better relationship, a more emotionally present partner, a more loving and thoughtful patner. For the first time...I notice how obnoxious, rude, and unkind so many woman were. And then I met Maria...She was kind...on our first date...she brought me flower...took me out to dinner...and she was HOT. I told Maria..i wanted to get married within a year....i expect sex from day one. I want to really let go and surrender from day one. She was OK with everything I told her. I was ready to show Maria...what love is all about.......
-over-accommodating to everyone I cared about
-had difficulty setting limits regarding my time, energy, health and love
-was usually passive and uncomplaiing
-was the peacemakeer and harmonizer in my relationship
-put the need of everyone I cared about before my own
-thought I did not have the right to be angry
What I did was I decide to make a list of a few things that I really enjoy:
-bookstores
-go to the movies
-being with my family
-listen to music
I made them priority in my life. I had to work har at putting myself first. I decided also that instead of being nice....i was going to be honest. I decided that any person who does not accept me as I am is not someone who I wish to be with. By being who I am...I will attract people who love me for this very quality. I realized what I love best about myself is that everyday I fall "head-over heels" crazy in love with woman and even if they try to shut me out, ignore me, or withdraw from me. I know it is their loss.
Wholeness means knowing who you are and where you end and other begin. Being assertive and having boundaries means noticing in what situations or with which people you feel unlovable with. Do not give your power away. Do not let a woman or anyone else keep me from being who I want to be. love is a heartfelt desire to support another person in being all she or he be. It is not about making that person into your image of who you want. Wholeness is expressed as the ability to listen to and communicate your honest feelings.
Most people value a person no more than they value themselves...So, first you must operate as a whole person and validate yourself. This was tough for ...even today. I have a hard time accepting my looks. Everywhere we look, we take heat for looking abnormal as judged by the standard of the media, magazine ads, movies, TV--its everywhere. Who is this airbushed, nonwrinkled, muscular man? I know I never will see him, yet he assaults me daily. What really pisses me off are these woman who aren't perfect and want perfect men. It so fucken amazing...some have no breast, fat....whatever and just because they have the PY..they feel entitled to the best looking men. I am not 6 feet tall...I am not GQ. I am skinny and average. I have to come in terms with that. I still have problem with this even to this day.
I know you are getting fed up with all my writing about the reason you are sad or depress is because you are not whole enough, grateful enough, thankful enough, spiritual enough ...and on and on. I am sick of it myself....and i bet you are saying, "But I am thankful, I am spiritual, I am trying to find wholeness---and I still feel like I've been ridden hard and worn out". I hear you...i feel the same way. But if you don't become aware of your problem...the universe will make sure you will. Every unconscious person recieves a wake-up call, and if they don't pay attention, they will receive a whole series of them. These calls may be dramatic such as an illness, the breakup of a relatioship (which happen to me) or the death of a family member. They may be other stress....inducing events as a move to a strange town, or job change. ...or they many also come in ordinary packages...the chance remark of a friend, a blog like this one...or a dream.
One thing i learn from Joanne break up is the important of grieving. I read a book dealing with healing the inner child in you--"Heal the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw. This is why you see picture of me as a child on the blog now. For two month..i spent a few min a day...grieving for the boy who had been fractured and had lost so many pieces of himself that he didn't have enough self-esteem, or care enough about himself to consider what he really wanted in his life until he was over thirty years old. That boy could never get angry, never be upset or proud or difficult, or even just happy to be a guy. I had to be constantly perfect. My mom would find things wrong with me that I had to fix....thet woman I was attracted to you..would tell me I wasn't attractive enough. I greived for all the wholeness he lost and for the assertive, self-confident young man he could have been. Let't face it. Even if your parents or caregivers wee terrific, somehow, some way, somebody did a real number on youre self-esteem when you were a kids. All of us have invisible fractures. But do you see what a miracle this grieving really was? It was giving me back the fractured parts of myself. It was the path to becoming whole. I had to find the young boy who was buried in my unconsciousness for years. Not only did I have to find her, I had to know her, understand her, and learn to love her before I could grieve for her. For the first time in my life, I was cherishing myself by finally acknowleding and validating part of me that had gotten misplaced or temporarily lost over the years. Healing was happening. I was beginning to understand that I had to peacefully put the prior version of myself, the fractured part, to rest in order to be reborn. Although not quite trusting the new self that was emerging. By grieving for the lost young boy I could have been, I learned to love, cherish, and learn from him. He was teaching me what I needed to do to become whole. I would find my self-esteem, inherent worthiness, loves, dislikes, needs, joys and passions, I would never again say....poor me. I was so determined, so passionate, so excited...and suddenly ...so scared.
I was taking so many brave steps into emotioal consciousness that it was inevitable that I would become afraid. When you are in fear, you expect the worst to happen. I was consumed by the question of ...what if? Afraid of being alone, afraid of being poor, afraid of losing my job, afraid of rejection. I was always compromising so I wouldn't have to face my fears. I instinctively knew that to truly love myself and others, I needed to quit resisting all my fears, dive headfirst into them, and then move out of fear as soon as possible. So what did do?
-I spent money on myself. In the past I was cheap on myself and spend money on other to get their approval.
-I sat down and wrote exactly what I am looking for in a relationship. I wrote my values...how i wouldn't accept a lower standard of love anymore...and how i wanted to be in a good commited relationship. No more serial dating anymore. I would wait for the universe to sent the right person to me...with a little help from me.
-I became honest with my sexual energy..my sexual need...my fanasty. Not be shame of what i want. Sex on the first date....a slutty woman....a whore.
-brought a new car...and an apartment
-if i sense within the first few minutes of talking to someone that there is resistant in the air...and not harmony...i would wish them well.
-Stop thinking too much. ...I mediate now everyday. People think too much in my opinion
-exercise ..go to the gym twice a week...and use my stationary bicycle at home.
-wrote my mission statement
-decide to be honest...by writing in my blog....all my thoughts...dream...fantasy.
-i am getting to better now dealing with rejection from woman...they really don't have the power...i do. There value decrease with age...while my value increase in the social market to be honest.
Telling you to love yourself and be whole is easy. Explaining how to do it is difficult. It's also very easy to say you now love yourself and you are whole. But actually acting on that is a very different matter. My search for selr-wellness took years. But I realized when you are filled from within, you give from overflow, not from duty or deficit. You won't look to other for approval or permission because you are not the creator of your own actions. Lastly, as you become more yourself, you begin to be a causer, you are much less likely to be exploited, manipulated, or used. You can stand up for yourself when someone acts disrspectfully toward you, or demeaning or condescending. Living your life from love....means forgetting:
-to try to get people to see things your way
-thinking people will change
-blaming or fearing or complaining abut your partner
-holding grudges from the past.
I try to use a question from Conversation with God book;;;;"What would love do now?"
I try to live a healthy lifestyle about 8- percent of the time. And when I feel like I said or did something wrong, or acted about as non-loving as I've ever acted.. I forget it and chalked it up to 20 percent where everyone makes mistakes.
True love is bring able to make another person feel, even for just a moment, that you love them more than you love yourself. Only a person who has love for themself is able to give this gift to another. This is why relationship seem so hard. Since I was always taking care of her needs, being nice when I didn't feel like it, and accommodating everyone but me. That was loving another more than myself...wasn't it? My partner should have felt my love for all the things I did for her...right? The answer is NO. Others feel your love only when you're coming from the strenght of your own love. Real love has the strenght to see and forgive faults. To have true love, you must know your boudaries...only with this knowledge can you let your boudaries of self sometimes safely and beautifully blur with your partner as you become one. Even if just for a few second you are able to feel her pain and pleasure as if they were your own....you will know true love.
Something happens to you also...your preception of people change. All the trait that i was comfortable identified as familar with people i was meeting (being distant, brillant, self-centered, confident) were now the very same ones that made me totally irritated with woman. My old braind of being criticized, rejected, or considered unlovable weren't fear anymore. I had love in me. I knew I had the gift of bring able to love like I had never been hurt. No one could ever make me feel unlovable again. In fact, I so loving towards my newly empowered self that I realized that I deserved a better relationship, a more emotionally present partner, a more loving and thoughtful patner. For the first time...I notice how obnoxious, rude, and unkind so many woman were. And then I met Maria...She was kind...on our first date...she brought me flower...took me out to dinner...and she was HOT. I told Maria..i wanted to get married within a year....i expect sex from day one. I want to really let go and surrender from day one. She was OK with everything I told her. I was ready to show Maria...what love is all about.......
MY LOVOLOGY PART 5
Now, I know some of your are thinking, yeah right...after so many years of being a doormat, you were able to suddenly transform into a strong man. Yes and no. Although the transformation was sudden and on the spot, the process to acquiring the strenght to be ready for it had taken several years of internal growth, trying to develop true love for myself. For the first time in my relationship, I was emotionally healthy enough to act out of love....for myself, for Maria, for what I and we deserve. My intuitivie voice was finally loud enough for me to know what I needed to do in the moment.
I paid attention to what my body was telling me. Each action and remark had provoked smal but vivid memories from the past which played like a videotape over and over in my head. The more they played, the more aware I became that my body was aching. I honestly acknowledged what I was feeling. Second..i had to be honest with mysel. I had to be truthfully idenity what I was feeling the way I was. Even though the truth hurt, it also set me free. The clearest message was that Maria wasn't ready to commit to me..with all her heart and soul. She said yes to everything and didn't follow through with most of her promise. Third...I determined to listen to my body and to take action. I acknowledged that continuing to be a good guy by supressing my feelings would cause me to lose my physical and mental health. I thought with my heart instead of my head. I finally understood why the true definition of depression....anger turned inward. I affirmed that I had the power within me to get my needs met. I didn't shut down emotionally and withdraw. I confirmed that I must take action.
-i acted consciously rather than lapse into unconsciousness
-I cared deeply for me, Maria....i wasn't apathetic
-I felt strong enough and true to myself ..unfraid of rejection
-i felt vital and able to act rather than paralyze by fear
You decide to heal. Instead of doing what I had always done, which was deny what I was feeling so I would not cause anyone else discomfort, you must let yourself feel your true emotions. I had finally acquired the self-respect and wisdom to hear and listen to my inner voice.
Now it was time to forgive myself and then my partner. At this point in the process. I experiences forgiving both of us. Forgivness is not dependent on any action of the other person. It is a gift of grace that come once you make the decision for your own healing, from the love within your heart. it is not something you can think through. As with empowerment decision, once you make the decision to forgive, you are already there. Ah, but here comes one of the hardest part of love...you must accept her apology and then let go of the hurt. Maria..came and saw me for my birthday...and did this whole number and told me she wanted to marry me...what was funny is that a month later....she wanted to break up with me four weeks later. I was hurt....but i had to forgive her.
So where am i now? I will no longer make a woman the center of my universe...the PY yes...woman no...just kidding.;-). I cannot seek love of self through love of another. You cannot love yourself without finding yourself first. Love of yourself cannot be defined by what she does or does not do. The purpore of any relationship is to have another person with whom to share your wholeness. One of the greatest most glorious moment in my life is the moment when I stop being afraid. No more trying to live up or down to someone else's expectation of who I should be. No more wasted energy trying to behave in a way that makes everyone else happy. I must make myself happy. I must love and cherish myself. As long as my primary purpose in living and loving is to be true to yourself, to your soul, then your relationship decision will be easy. You'll always be able to hear the answer in your heart.
I had lived long enough and hard enough to know that i had gone through many stages: don't need a woman, bored with a woman, and wanting a different woman felt like. I had been through the pain, anxiety, uncertainty, depression, and part-time peace and comfort that each of these existence being. And that is all they were...existences. I was just going through the day-to-day motions of living. Yes, I was alive, but I didn't have much a life. It wsa okay. I got along just fine. But it wasn't enough for me. I deserved better. Our need for relationship is at the core our being and a relationship with a partner will give you a remarkable opportunity to explore, discover and decide who you really are. The reason you have relationship is not only to find yourself, but become yourself ...as Conversation with God books mention. For so many of us, our partner are our wake-up call to our soul. Embrace this, love it, and you will begin the journey home to yourself. The baggage you are carrying in your soul because of your mom or dad is a heave load. It's pervasive in your friendships, your life decisions, your family dynamics. As you progess to cherish yourself, unpack these emotional baggage...like i did and grow toward wholeness...and soon you will using your new brain. You will never ask...Do i need a person? instead...you will ask. What does my heart feel would be the most loving action I could take for myself....the rest will follow.
THOUGHTS: WOUNDOLOGY
I written here and in my website that sometimes I feel like I am defective, ugly,and unworthy. My unhealed wounds are like invisible prisons---capturing me with their iron bars just as surely as if they were locked inside a cold, gray, concrete walls. I try so hard to escape with my writing, my relationship, mediation, and books....but no matter how hard i try I feel like I will forever be prisoner of my own sad stories, doomed to repeat painful dynamics over and over gain, in spite of my wishes to the contrary. Don't get me wrong..i am much better than I was in the past. But sometimes..i feel I can't get pass the belief tha I am defective. That I am damaged goods and I can't seem to forget it even for a moment. And every single relationshp I've had ends up just as broken and damaged as I am. When do I get rid of this ugliness inside of me? When do i get to be free? When do I get to have love in my life.
I believe that I am defective as if that is a core truth of who I am. That I am a bad person. I imagine myself. I have picture of myself on the blog now so I can take a look of the at myself at 4 years old...and I ask myself...Would you say to yourself.." What a defective, ugly little boy? NO!!!!!!!!!...I felt compassion for myself.
Why do I have to carry this burden around me? When can I get rid of it? And then I remember a quote:
Why do sad people have in common? It seek they have all built a shrine to the past and often go there and do a strange wail and worship. What is the beginning of happiness? It is to stop being so religious like that.
-Hafiz
Our wounding experience are part of history. We can, however give up defining ourselves by what happened to us in the past. We can stop identifying ourselves with the pain that we suffered. This is not denial of what we've been through but, rahter an awareness that the essence fo who we aer is far far beyond it. The difficult wounds call us to be the best that we can be, and often will serve as a catayst for us to discover what it is that we have to offer to others. It was my goal in the past that the healing work of getting my negative feeling was to forget about it and distance myself forever from the impact if had had upon my life.
As much as we profess to hate our brokeness, we often set up camp, root down and build our entire identities around our tales of woe. Woundology is where we bond with another through complaining about our victimization and the sad state of our lives. Many of us...including me will even choose our significant others based upon the ability to understand our wounds and their willingness to dance around them and not expect too much from us.Relationship whose currency is our wounds don't have room for people to thrive and become their best selves, because the convert agreement is: If one person is broken, then the other gets to prop up their self-esteem by
-caretaking them OR
-being superior to them
Looking back Joanne played the caretaking part. Melissa played the superior part.
Many people have a difficult time bringing a loving relationship, because they are still invested in being damaged to allow their tragedies to transform into something beautiful. These people will usually continue to attract romantic partners who are also very attached to being damaged and are, therefore not healthy enough to be suitable life partners.
Why we must ask ourselves are we so attach to our pain. What is driving us to cling so fiercely to our sorrow? As long as we hold on to the pain of the past, it continues to live, and it continues to hurt us. When we do this, we are behaving as though the past were more powerful and more prominent than the present. The truth is, it's never what happens to us that matters as much as what we do with what happens to us. Those who hurt you in the past have no authority to determine whether or not you will live a life of love and fulfillment. I must go the book---Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl ( a psychiatrist who survived the campes of Auschwitz)...he concluded that in some way, suffering cease to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning. We must find lessons and weave meaning out of the sorrow we've had to bear. For many of us have been challenged to live out circumstance in which our hearts have been splintered and broken in two.
I found meaning in my pain. My purpose is to be the bringer of the light. To show individuals the way out of pain. My purpose is LOVE.
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