DEAR SOULMATE

A LETTER TO MY SOULMATE

Dear Soulmate,

I am sorry this is not a personalized letter for you, but I am tired of all the impostors that come under your name.  I would let them in, only to be disappointed.  Without thought or mercy, these impostors turned my world upside down, causing me grief, sadness and sorrow.  I would go to my bed and begin to weep wishing you were there with me to spoon me and hold me like I have never been held. I wished for your face on top of mine to cry with me. I wanted to feel your tears dripping down my face to join my own.  Now, YOU have felt my sorrow, you have felt my heart being deceived.  This time I am not alone, you are here with me.

I was dreaming last night. It was a dream within a dream. It started with one letter on a computer screen and then a word and soon a sentence. I wrote a letter to my future wife. Like a fetus that becomes a baby. Out of nothing ...there was something. I woke up one morning and I decide to put it up. This "beautiful stranger" response to me and that person was you, against your better judgment you remarked what I wrote touch your heart. No big deal. Would've been easy to forget, dismiss, delete, and move on. But instead I wrote back to you. Again, nothing much, just something little. But the little became more, and then the more soon became, well, pretty soon we were emailing..texting and talking.back and forth like crazy. Pages. Long, short, funny, weird, and just full of some of the most unusual coincidences... things we saw, or thought, or heard, places we had been at the same time. We could have met, did we already meet? No, but we figured out that there had probably been days in our past when we were no more than a few feet apart, missing each other because of... what? timing? luck? fate? We could have met in a number of places, but instead we met on online. Life is funny sometimes. I mean, online! Never in a million years would I have ever predicted something like this. never. But it was nothing short of amazing, and intense, and strange, and easy, and unique. Even when I wasn't writing you, I was writing you, in my head. I was looking around at girls in bars and restaurants and walking on the street wondering if you were there, if that was you. That girl in the car stopped at the light? Ordering a drink at the bar? Eating that burger? Walking into that store? Crossing the street? Was that You? It was crazy. I didn't know what you looked like. You could been anyone. We never swapped pictures. Just stories, and thoughts, and words. Just us. And so we met finally of course at Barnes and Nobles coffee shop, with too much coffee. and no picture, just a mental image and description. It was a disaster. The place was packed, and everyone looked like they were looking around looking for someone. EVERYONE. They all seemed to fit your description. Dark hair, dark eyes, slim, medium height. Every girl in that place has dark hair; dark eyes, and is medium height. I called you on your cell Where are you? I'm here, where are you? here, in the back. OK, I'm coming right now...And there you were exactly liked you described yourself - dark hair, dark eyes, medium. But nooooo, silly boy with too much coffee in him. Seems dark hair is subjective - to me it means black, to others, its much more of a reddish brown. And what's medium when you're wearing 5 inch platform shoes!

"Ah, I found you." Came a voice from your lips and my heart skipped a beat as a smile spread across my face. How do I already know your voice? 'My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words of thy tongue’s uttering, yet I know the sound.' I remembered the line from Romeo and Juliet. I could not forget your voice even if I tried. At the sound, all thoughts of the odd occurrence faded.
I will realized when I see you that there was a part of my mind that had wondered if you were real, if I had not only imagined your beauty, but clearly I had not. Somehow, you are real, right down to your ancient eyes. It felt just as indescribable to look into your eyes.

"I knew it," you would say.... ‘I knew I had met you before. It’s as if we had to meet again at some point in this life. I talked to my friends about it, but they thought I was crazy, that thousands of people must say the same thing about thousands of other people every day. I thought they must be right, but life… life brought you to me. You came to find me, didn’t you?” I said in this life time. There was something about us that just clicked. Whether it was being on the same wave length with a joke or an idea, we just connected in a way neither of us had connected before. In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world, there is no love for you like mine Whatever our souls are made of, your and mine are the same. When you begin to touch my heart or let your heart be touched by me, you begin to discover that it's bottomless. You would ask me...Do I love you? And I would say.."My God, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches. The more I know you, the more I want to know you more.You are my inspiration and my folly. You are my light across the sea, my million nameless joys, and my day's wage. You are my divinity, my madness, my selfishness, my transfiguration and purification. You are my rapscallionly fellow vagabond, my tempter and star. I want you."

I had stood, seized her hair in my hands, and was kissing her.  I clutched at her hair, too, and squeezed her with all my strength, biting her lips and feeling her tongue move in my mouth. This was the kiss I had waited for so long—a kiss born by the rivers of our childhood, when we didn’t yet know what love meant. A kiss that had been suspended in the air as we grew, that had traveled the world in the souvenir of a medal, and that had remained hidden behind piles of books. A kiss that had been lost so many times and now was found. In the moment of that kiss were years of searching, disillusionment, and impossible dreams. I kissed her hard; the few people there in the bar must have been thinking that all they were seeing was just a kiss. They didn’t know that this kiss stood for my whole life—and his life, as well. The life of anyone who has waited, dreamed, and searched for their true path. The moment of that kiss contained every happy moment I had ever lived.

I think back now and don't know how it could have ever been anyone else. In my mind it's been exactly a few months since you first wrote me. When I think about how we met the whole thing still seems so strange and unlikely. so unexpected. We've kept all those emails. It's dorky. and romantic. Like having a transcript of your first date, that first amazing conversation you have when you fall in love with somebody. I think we're pretty lucky. I think I'm pretty lucky. Online personals. Who would have thought? Life is funny sometimes. Pretty great too. I love you baby. Help me make this dream true. Find me

Dear Soulmate,

What if what you are looking for may be one phone call away, one contact away, one smile away, and one touch away. In their search for true love in this vast universe, two people paths crossed, and the story unfolds. Maybe our story will begin now. I hope that somewhere in these pages your soul will recognize mine. It may happen in the first sentence or last, but stop for a moment and realize that for a moment in time we have become one in thought.. Somewhere in your heart a long time ago a truth that has been buried for such a long time and is finally awaken with the words that I am writing.

You must be thinking that you stumble on me by accident? No, everything happens for a reason, fate has takes hold and leads us in the right direction. It led you to me. I want to share myself with you. Yes I have been hurt. I am sure you're past disappointments and hurt as well and still do. We will erase the pain for each other. Then I have my fears. Will I be what you want? What you need? What you've dreamed of? In your eyes will I be perfect? Will you think me the most beautiful man you've ever seen? Will you love my body? Will you be willing to make the drive to the city from wherever you are? Would you make the drive one hundred times if you knew this was what you wanted? Or will you fool yourself into being the woman who is in love with the "beautiful stranger? I can't wait for the day when I'm on my way to meet you. I long for that excitement. I can't wait until I get my first glimpse of the real you, and hug you for the first of many times in your life. Everyday I wish for you as I have so much to tell you.

It is very hard to be so far away from you. Every single day I am dreaming about our first meeting. About our first kiss and first hug. My hands are feeling so empty. I wish to touch you but I can't. Sometimes, when I am sleeping at night, I hold my pillow close by me, as it is you. many times I do cry. Cry cause you are there somewhere when I want you to be with me. When I want us to be together. I can't wait to have you by my side. To look at your eyes and to show you all my love that is growing stronger by each and every day. I can't wait to take walks with you and to laugh with you. I can't wait to get to know all of your friends and to see all these places so dear to you. To spend long days and nights in your arms. I want you to show me everything. I want to share everything with you. Everything what I am and everything what I know. I want to give you my love and to be there for you when you need me. To comfort you and to tell you how everything will be OK. I need you. I need you to hold me. I don't know what life is holding for us but I want to do my best to make it work. For you and me to be happy together. I have never felt so close to anyone as I do feel to you. You do always make me smile. And every single time when we do talk over computer or phone my heart is beating faster and I do feel happy as a little kid for Christmas:)

I am so tired of being disappointed with meeting woman who come from a point of fear and not love. I am tired of the women who are looking for the perfect guy. Looking the guy who they can have "great chemistry" with. If they had a choice between Satan (who they have great chemistry with) or Jesus ( who they don't have great chemistry with), the vast majority will pick Satan. I am seeking someone who will open their heart and soul to me on the first date.



PART 2


The truth is we all want to be embraced by love, forever, to heal our wounds and so it would seem nearly impossible to find you. A needle in a haystack. What if that needle had a certain shape and a certain voice and a certain ache that beckoned you to embrace it? Would you turn your back on love once again? I feel it in my heart now and I know that it is you, the needle is so large so beautiful that the haystack now seems so minute. I hope that they will touch you in a way unmistakably so with my writing, and that you will not question again what you have been feeling all along but, simply start embracing the love that was given to you by God. Life is so incredibly short, lest I need to remind you. That the moments we are spending apart are quickly ticking away, never to be recaptured. We all have our trials that we have had to overcome. There is no cure for the pain of human suffering. This has been a quest throughout the sages to find the remedy, the answer to the most sought after questions of loneliness and suffering. We have been fortunate enough to look in the mirror and see a mirror image of ourselves in each other it is most overwhelming. I admit and that is the most humble me speaking, I have longed for you and ached for you and continues to wonder, question and ponder but what if what we feel is really happening? Every day I feel the aching of your heart. There is a large part of me that wants to send for you immediately but it is a process and requires time and patience. We are both adjusting to the fact that this really could be it. Do you feel this way? Or am I just imagining it to be so? I can imagine that there are millions of men wanting to embrace you tenderly but, the world is filled with impostors and there is only one me. It is time, my love that we acknowledge each other and hold each other lovingly forever. From this distance we must embrace our souls essence and our higher calling. If we just listen quietly to our hearts we will soon feel them beating together. If it is meant to be all we have to do is love each other and our consummation will soon come together. . Do you believe in me? In us? Shall we not join hands now my love to turn you and me into us and 'we"

My entire life I’ve longed and wished for the woman of my dreams to walk into my life and give me the gift of loving them. In my bitterness and my surrendering to the job, however I forgot that this part of me existed. I've pushed dating away for a long time, which has caused me to be hurt by my friends, and relatives who have questioned my single lifestyle. I guess my largest fear is to bring another person into the equation because this leaves so much room for vulnerability and pain. I have realized that I can't live in the past or listen to what other people say. I have always wondered where my soulmate is, where in the world could you be? Did I miss you by a century or are you standing right in front of me?

I want to begin by explaining to you what made me start this journal. This Story begins a few years ago. I went on a date with a woman and had a "good" time. We had a late lunch, saw a movie and stumbled on a jazz club. While at the club, however I found myself thinking how could this be a "great" time with someone else? I looked at other couples and thought to myself, “why can't that be me?” I would turn to look at this woman, silently thinking that she just hadn’t figured it out yet. Honestly, I did judge a book by its cover, I thought because she was beautiful and a career woman she would realize what is important. I was disappointed to find that she really only cared about money, shopping and what her next career move would be. “More power to her,” I thought, “but that is not for me.” The next morning, we went to breakfast. She proceeded to read the paper and totally ignore me; I couldn’t even see her. At first I thought, “What a bitch, how rude!” but then I found myself grinning and trying to keep from laughing hysterically as I was thinking, “this is OK! I really have nothing to say to you anyway.” I am sure the people beside us probably thought I had a screw loose!

Knowing the date was over; I hopped in my car and hit toward home. Suddenly, I felt tears on my face when I realized the whole weekend was completely disheartening. This date made me think, “Is this it?” This disappointment reminded me of the side of myself that I've been trying to bury and hadn’t realized what lousy job I had done of it. The side of myself that is empty, the deep longing in my heart to love and to be loved. This deep longing and passion is the desire in my heart that has made me who I am and is what inspires and moves me. It is the desire to have someone as your friend, lover and partner. Someone to walk through uncertain times together, to fill your loneliness, comfort you in pain, and give you the most wonderful gift of all...the gift of another human being to love and to care for. The desire to want to become a better person just because you love them. This is what keeps me alive and breathing each and every day, the hopes of finding this person, the person that I could call my soulmate.




PART 3


I had a Jerry Maguire night after the date in that Jazz club. It was not a breakdown, it was a breakthrough. Love is not suppose to easy, it never is. Every relationship has problem. No relationship is without issues. I looked deep into my soul to find answer to why my life is the way it is now. I wanted to see my part, my mistakes that I conspired against myself in finding that love I so wanted. As I look at people I know, and look at their relationship I find some are cheating, other just lost the sparkle in their relationship. Then there was other who had the relationship. Why has God not chosen me to be happy in my love life? Was I undeserving? Am I defective? Why do I keep repeating a pattern of picking the same type of people to enter my life even when I tell myself I swore I would never date anyone like that again? What’s was wrong with these women?” I ask myself. The really problem was I. I want love, yet subconsciously I sabotage it. I started this search with an idea that I am ready to face the rest of my life alone. It’s OK to be alone. I really am happy in my life right now. I have learned to be comfortable under my skin. I go to the opera, theater, bookstore and dinner with my friend and family. My soulmate will be an addition to this happiness. I will face this fear of being alone and not worry about it so much. I won’t let pressure from family or anyone, including myself to move me into a relationship I know will not last. A relationship can complement and not complete my happiness.

What happens if you find the love of your life and you are separated by space and time What if you could sense every emotion of a person? Every thought and yet never being able to touch them except through their heart? What if over this crazy medium of the Internet you met someone that you longed to be with and longed to get to know better and yet time and space continued to divide you. What would you do? Would you give it all up for love. Would you give up all preconceived notions and step into the unknown or would you say to yourself? "Just forget it" and look the other way knowing that it could never be real and yet something inside your heart kept telling you it could really be true. This really could be the person that you have waited your entire life for and unless you took the leap you would continue to live the rest of your life wondering. Would you wonder? Or would you be the risk taker? Would you go out on a limb in the name of love and beauty of profound relationship? Let's just say for arguments sake that you always knew that out there in the sea of millions there was one special someone for you and in your heart you knew of their existence and even though you would connect with other potential "soulmates" that filled some profound purpose your heart told you that "no" they were not the one. Although you remained friends and shared time and love you could only reach a certain level with them. There are different forms of love and with them you could only reach Eros which is the earthly erotic love…never Agape…the divine truth the beautiful light divine love that could only be reached with the intertwining of soulmates. Agape as I picture it, encompasses all the beauty of love and nature and could reach divinity when placed in the hearts of true soul mates. I believe we all have many soulmates and their time in our lives is varied. Some of our loves remain for a season and to teach us those lessons about ourselves that are contained within a specific time frame. However, I believe that there are lifetime lessons that are taught by our one divine soulmate. These lessons take a lifetime to learn and therefore the time frame of the teacher is eternity.

As I share my thoughts with you, it will be as if you are peering into my journal, my life and my heart for I share with you only honesty. I choose to strip my soul naked and that I may attract the woman with these feelings parallel to my own passion. I will know it is you, only when you truly recognize me, my soul, though my honesty. How I long for a woman who will love me as I am. Somewhere I once read that to become one we must reconnect with out missing half by becoming more of ourselves to attract them. And so I wonder? Is this where I will find you? My missing half. My Love so true? I lie alone at night praying for God to guide me to you. So, why have I thus far been so unsuccessful on my journey? Because the love of my life is not just any "body." She is some "one." The only ONE. She is someone I will recognize in clear view because in her eyes I will see a reflection of my soul looking back at me. There will be no wall high enough for me to climb over or no wall deep enough for me to penetrate to reach her heart or prevent me from entering it. The woman of my life comes to me as a vision; her beauty, brilliance and intelligence radiate from within. We will then share the pleasures of all that life has to offer and through the eyes of love our energies erotic, loving and passionate will all radiate our circumference. We will then become "one" together. Our beautiful journey is always an adventure. We will laugh, cry, touch and caress each other and flow in our conversation be comfortable in our silences encourage each other to reach higher and touch the sky, as we grow closer. Together we can accomplish anything because I envision us to be a spiritual team. Honesty is so important to me and speaks volumes in true relationship bonding. I love you already, this woman I am seeking. I think of you always, though we have yet to induce our meeting. Will you hug me then? And never let me go? Or will you become afraid of my closeness when your heart is naked and unguarded? Will you let me in closer where I want to be? Is there such a woman who will rise to this challenge, to TRUST in our Love and in me, so that our love will live forever and we can travel the distance together?


PART 4


As I sit here, I picture you reading what I am writing and that you are sitting comfortably in your home, curious to know me. There is a quiet understanding that we share, for I have seen you in Starbucks and have glanced into your eyes if only for a moment. A moment in which left me full of wonder at the love we would share. My brown eyes pierced into your soul and exposed all your desires and fears. Within that moment I embraced your heart and it now belongs to me. I shelter it when the wind blows and laugh with it when it smiles. I cherish the oneness of our souls-we speak always. . My life begins today. By questioning everything on this search and not settling for a "safe" relationship anymore. I have learned a very important thing that by being honest about my feelings and showing you all of me will brings me closer to the TRUE me and therefore the truth in everything.

Within my words I have found my true desires, expressed perfectly. I have hidden these truths, even from myself. My words exposed the feelings I hold secretly within my depths, for most do not see with these eyes, nor understand. I stand silently waiting for our moment together, where words seize to have meaning as our souls unite. You have been here with me always, peacefully sleeping, patiently waiting for our time. Our faces meet; my cheek softly caresses yours, our eye rest as we cherish the moment of our first precious kiss. I still think that one day the whole fairy tale will come true for the both of us, and it will be completely worth every second of what the wait has been to finally. Finding each other and hold each other, knowing that this is going to be it. I want to look deep into your eyes and see more than a thousand words couldn't even say. I want to find the love that is so simple, innocent, and pure. I do believe that we all do have a soulmate. Sometimes, it is sad, that I see some of my friends who have already gotten married, but did not wait for the one right person, and they could have wound up so much happier in life. I will wait for her (hopefully we find each other sooner than later) and long for her to enter my life.

When you start reading my words please forget about all the certain values and belief you were brought up with you. They will not serve you here, but do the opposite. Does it feel like you have know me for many years? Is your soul is running to me to talk to me. My thoughts are somewhere near your thoughts; maybe we think the same. What you are reading described you, my soulmate: how you sleep, what you like, how I will touch you. Do you imagined yourself in these situations and does your body was shake. It's not only the desire, no, this is much more! It's so deep like our lives, like our emotions I pray that my word will touch some closed part of your heart and two hot tears ran down your cheeks. What do you think, what do you feel and how do you live? I care about you! Where are you? Are you near? Maybe it's your breathing that I feel early in the morning? Maybe it's you, whom I see in my dreams? Maybe we were born to be together? Do you feel me?

Perhaps my honesty may deter the masses. They like the lies, this world like to promote lies all the time.. It may sound cliché, but the truth is what separates the "real" from the impostors and really will "set us free" to truly know each other. How I have longed for a woman who would appreciate the beauty inside of me and love me (not for my outward appearance), but for the soul which resides inside of me, my inner "sanctity," strength of character, wit and crazy sense of humor. I have met women who told me they loved me but upon meeting what was on the outside, forgot all the beauty that was within me I love to be spoiled with the gift of affection, I love to touch, be touched and engage in philosophical conversation. Therefore, the woman that I seek will be my lover, best friend and companion, appreciate all of my qualities, which endear me only to her and encourage growth in my soul, which only she would understand.

If someone, who read my journal, felt the connection, but found we were not meant for each other, perhaps there could be a friendship that can be built. We both have something so powerful in common, the need to connect to the soulmate that is out there looking for us. I have been given a gift, that not many people have, it is the gift of being able to give and accept and love unconditionally. I’m proud of what I have been given, because I know how to use it, I have been given the opportunity to use it in a job I once had, and it opened me up to my spiritual being, I am so blessed for that. I have been given the gift and when someone is in the same place spiritually, they recognize it in my eyes, they look at me, and they feel it and they open up to it. This gift has brought me into so many lives, that I will never forget. They have all since passed away, but they are still with me, they have given me this gift.

I get lonely so often to the point that it is unbearable. I have empathy for people who seek love as I do. I wonder if this is because I know that the love that I desire is in your possession. Sometimes I think that it is better to be numb than to know what you are missing. I think to know what is missing creates a desperate longing in my soul that I have no resource to control. My only way to let it escape my body is to write and tell you of all my feelings. I hope that this is not too much for you..I hope you will not send me away to tell me that you will no longer accept the love that I want to give to you. I wonder often if we will ever bring this love together or if the climax of the love story is unfolding before our eyes. I wonder if the daily events that happen to me are key events in the unfolding of our life's love story. My heart hurts often when I feel very alone but it at these times when I sit down and try to articulate my thoughts in effort to better understand my soul. I know that this is no ordinary love affair however if I should turn away and run before my heart gets entrenched deeper and deeper as each and every day goes by. Do you think that I will be the one to go the distance? Do you think I could be the one that you would go out on a limb for? Do you think that we will prioritize this love in effort to keep it growing together instead of thinking of distance and therefore creating separation? Perhaps I am a dreamer and perhaps I am not listening but, I have heard the sound of your voice and I know that your heart speaks more loudly. Or is this the highest truth that I am feeling in my heart? I can't go anywhere that I am not wanted and so I will sit and wait for you to acknowledge me and your desire for me to come to you




PART 5

I wonder if you will invite me into your heart or if you will leave me to love you forever and send the energy from my heart from a distance. I want everyday to tell you how you have changed my life. How much I want to bring your dark days to light for you. I want you to wake up and look at the sky and see sun, even on the rainiest of days. I want to surpass your past and give you love for eternity. To show you what you have never known and what it really is to have a relationship that is committed and loving. I want to right all of our wrongs and teach the world what it is to have a love that is forever strong. I want to write about our adventures to show everyone that it really can happen that despite the obstacles and the roads that are long and seemingly never ending. That there really is hope for love in this world that often seems so dark and empty. I know that I am a dreamer and I know that I need love to survive in this world otherwise my days seem so dark and mundane lacking passion and meaning. I know that I need love to become the person I want to be. When I feel this emptiness in my heart and want love to come to me, my only choice is to give out the love that I so desire in hopes that someday. It will be returned to me.

You have to understand that I want that all consuming love, the one that you smile from at night when you fall asleep and wake up feeling like you can conquer the world! Someone to love you for you, not what you have or what you've accomplished in your life, just for the person, heart and soul that is you. I know you want so much to surrender and yet are scares as hell and you shouldn’t, for me being the one, should be able to erase all those fears in you and make you not scared of the unknown, not afraid that your heart will be safe in my hands. What I write here are not just words. These letters, these words are express out the energy that is within me.. Can you not feel them as if I am saying them to you directly. I find myself having visions of the strangest things. I walking down the stairs at work and you seeing me at the bottom of them, seeing nothing but me at that moment, walking to me, sharing the first kiss of many the one that makes the world momentarily disappear and sends chills through my whole body. Remember the movie WAITING TO ME KISS, Drew Barrymore say, “ That thing, that moment. When you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person; and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life." When you kiss me I will be frozen because I’ve always told my best friends, that I will know by the way she kisses me. My soulmate will kiss me like no other before and make everything disappear around us, the only thing I will feel and know at that moment is she and I lost in each others souls. We could easily fall in love with anyone, and just make do with the next person that comes along. But for what reason? To still have the ache and desire and need to connect with a soul with it's other half? What a sad way to live out life. I have had so many opportunities to date all types of women, but none of them ever gave me the feeling like that was where I belonged.

As you sit here does your heart pounding in your chest. As you the more you read, do you get more connected to me, the more you want to come - no run to me and say "Hi, I’m sorry it took me so long to find you darling, but you didn’t speak loudly enough to me until now" Remember the movie, "Before Sunset", Jesse played by Ethan Hawks tells Celine that the reason he wrote the book of that one night they had in Vienna was that she should find him and she does. That is the reason I am writing this. In the hope that I will find you so that I can hear you say " I love you forever." Does that scare the hell out of you? I am scarred sometime, my heart race thinking "here she is, but she is a little frightened. Does she know I’m scared too?" I sit here and wonder where you are right now - at home? At the office? At Starbucks? Are you thinking about me too? Wondering what I am doing? My heart truly started pounding at work today and it hasn’t stopped. Is this how you feel all the time as well? Is my heart pounding because it is now mimicking yours? I know you have many thoughts racing through your mind. I will ease your fears if you get scared? I will be strong enough to hold you until they go away, like you would do for you? On the days I seem quiet, will you kiss me all over my face and ask me if I’m OK? Like I would do for you? Will you think it cute that when I say I love you? I tell you this more than all the stars in the sky and more than all the fish in the sea! Will you laugh like a little kid and kiss me and hug me tight? Will you shower with me every morning and make love to me every night? And on the nights when we don’t make love...will you turn away angry or will you kiss me and hold me all night long?

From my search I realized a few conclusion. I learned that love is God. I learned the what love is from one person and what love is not from another. I realized that we all have this picture that we carry with us hoping that someone will match our dreams. I learned that love demand sacrifices, trust, and surrender. Sex is the marriage of love and God. Without sex a relationship is just a causal relationship. Love does not "just happen." You are able to attract the love you want. We always get what we ask for. Every relationship we are in is just a mirror image of yourself. It not what is in our heads that the universe listens to, what is in your heart is what you will get. The really goal of relationship is not to find love, but to heal yourself. To heal the issues that come up as you progress on with commitment. And finally I realized where home really is. Home is where the heart is.



WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH YOU:

Links :
1-READ TO YOU
2-WRITE LOVE LETTER & POETRY
3-BATH WITH YOU
4-LISTEN TO YOU
5-STROKE YOUR HAIR
6-PICNIC
7-LITTLE NOTES
8-MAKE YOU TAPES OF MUSIC
9-GOING OUT FOR DINNER
10-GOING TO EXPLORE THE CITY



PART 6

My love is not a gift randomly given out to just anyone in passing. I am tried of trusting my soul to people who don't value the essence of my heart. It has been such a long road to find you. Like that movie "AI,"the little mechanical machine boy, David, forever searching to be real so that his real mother can love him. I am forever seeking the love of my soulmate. His dream of being loved motivates him to overcome the evil and pain of this world. As I continue to write about my feeling here, I hope you get a sense or a feeling as though I am writing them to you. I dream of seeing your face that I have so often envisioned in my mind. Right now though, your face to me is blank. I count the days as to when I can fill in those blanks with every day passing by I begin to fantasize how good we would be together. I know our lives would be filled with nothing but true love, much happiness, and laughter always:)" I know you are there, very close, I can almost reach out and feel your hand, your face. God I am scared and very nervous. Do you feel the same as me? Please tell me that you do! Can all of this be true reality? Are we destined to meet fall madly in love, share our love for one another and have the best life that God has intended us to have? Please soulmate show me the way to that avenue of pure happiness. Will you? I am in need of it just as you are...

There's a candle in my window and its burning bright to light your way home. I’m feeling sentimental because my love you have been gone for so long. Could it feel the same way it is supposed to feel? Will my Love bring you every thing you need? Show me the way back to your heart and my love will lead you through the dark. As the night falls on my window and the stars above remind me of your eyes the wind that brings these changes are blowing cold on me tonight while I'm lying in bed. I fell asleep thinking of what it would be to find my female half. To look at you and see a reflection of myself and a part of me that has been missing for so long. I wondered to myself what it would be to bring together such a spiritual and authentic union and how could it be those two people could share the same energy from far away. And how this energy woke me up to the point that have been sleeping for so long. I gave up hope that there was anyone on this earth that thinks about love in the way that I do. The love that wakes you up to yourself, makes you want to be a better person and strive to taste, smell and touch all that there is in life in its ripeness and rawness of being. When someone loves me truly I feel like I can overcome anything jump the highest mountain and swim the stormy seas. I could uproot a tree and carry it with me, walk barefoot over hills and valleys to reach the arms of the one who loves me. It is so simple and yet so complex. So often I have met people and they do not possess the capacity for love that I speak of and so, many people often will read my words and my heart and think that they hear it but, in truth they are just looking to fill up an egotistical piece of themselves that says. Now look what I've got here and as soon as they are successful in getting me interested, drop the ball entirely through betrayal or lack of attention. I am like a flower that needs constant sunlight. When I have sunned I bloom, but the dark makes me wilt and wither leaving me to feel lonely and abandoned. I guess this would tell you that I am emotionally "needy" but, I can also tell you that conversely I am thankful for any and all attention that I receive in fact I crave it and have gone to great lengths to get it.

What exactly then do soulmates mean to each other? I believe and have always believed that I have a "split-apart" I believe that out there in this world is the female side of me. We have been lost and estranged from each other but I believe that someday I will recognize you the day that we would meet. I know what it is to see someone's soul through their eyes. I know what it is to look inside someone and see the breath of life. To see the spark and the passion in their eyes and their heart. The package that we come in is not up to us really. I mean there are things about each and every one of us that we have no control over. It is not important to me to find a playboy model. My only desire is to look into the eyes of another and see the breath of life. To see the fire that needs to be ignited because I know that once this fire is ignited the inward beauty becomes evident on the outside. In a certain glow or aura that emanates from within the soul.

My Love, will I look into your eyes and see the reflection of myself? Do we share the same hopes and dreams as it appears? Could we really be on the same level of enlightenment and are meant to take each other higher yet. I want to take this journey to enlightenment I want to go there as high as we can together. What does this say about us? What are we here to do and what is our divine purpose? Will you let me lay my hands on your wounded heart? Will you let me heal your soul so that our purpose becomes clearer as we take this journey together? My heart holds its share of wounds from the human animal but lying underneath the scars is a tiny person waiting to be loved and nurtured into fullness of spirit. I feel very small right now, in my bed in my room behind my window with a view of the stars and the moon. When I look up and realize that the sky covers us like a blanket, I feel secure in this overwhelming feeling of love that surrounds me. I know that this could only make sense to you.” Can you see my candle burning brightly in my window? It is the light of love beckoning you forth on the journey to your self in your life's highest purpose. Reach out and hold my hand draw me into you. I will light the way home where we are eternally surrounded by love and our smallness becomes transcendental as we spread this love everywhere”… Jane Seymour uttered those words upon first seeing Christopher Reeve in the film SOMEWHERE IN TIME. Now, I say it to you. Is it you? Are you the one I’ve been waiting for all this time? Are you the one who will change my life? I’m shaking. How many coffee shops have I sat and wrote in while you were perhaps across the room? Perhaps in your mind you are completely overwhelmed by my honesty, the outpouring of emotion. It's as if you have opened you up and exposed you to the world...naked.





BOOKS THAT OPEN MY SOUL:

1- Conversation With God (Book I,II,III)
2- Living, Loving & Learning
3- You'll See It When You Believe It
4- The Roadless Traveled
5- Feeling Good
6- Mastery of Love
7- Personal Power



PART 7

My Darling, all my thoughts starts with you... of us. I wake up and feel like you should be there next to me, like it's something I truly know. I have this ache to wake up in your arms you making love to you.. My heart feels so much, yet has so many questions. Now I want to see you, feel you, share things with you. See your hair all messy in the morning, experience your smile. I want to make you laugh I want to make you happy. I want to be with you at a party and watch you talk to people from across the room with the confidence of knowing how much I want to be with you alone. Wanting to escape and have you to myself, but yet be so proud as to have a wonderfully sweet and loving woman as you as mine. Walk over to you as you talk to your friends and whisper and walk away and resume my conversations with the other men there. As I walk away you put your hand in your pocket and feel something soft, you realize I’ve slipped on rose in there, I turn around and look at you over my shoulder and smile.

I always knew there was someone out there that would understand and feel how a soul aches for its true love. The me inside of this body is full of love and compassion and honor and pride. I realized that a part of me is missing, through out my journey into spirituality, I realized that I don’t have anyone to share the love I hold inside, I laugh, but don’t have someone who can laugh with me. I cry, but I must hide those feelings, because I have no one to cry with me. I long to be in the arms of my soulmate. Today I walked through Barnes and Noble, looking for a book to read that would fill my heart, I love to read stories of hope and love, it allows me to put myself there with them so I can feel it also. Be still my foolish heart, for those are only words you read. Years of looking for you, yearning to feel the warmth of your smile, the comfort of your touch. With you, I never fear the night. You has seen me everyday, but you wont look at me, you has painted a picture that doesn't look anything like me, therefore, you cannot see my soul. You know me, yet you won’t open your heart to find me. Close your eyes and listen to my soul speak to you, and then you will know it is me that you have been looking for. Has she married, to only still feel the emptiness in her soul without me? Has she done things in her life, only to realize it was not her destiny? It is she who has taken many wrong paths, but it is the soul that keeps on searching to feel the love and to share the love.

I have brought you into my world, which it is clearly visionary and I bared you with my healing caress and comforts. My world, which where you’re my hunger for complication is exist and where the true nakedness to my searching for the knowledge of the other soul. My word, which it became mine as I felt your thoughts, your mind and soul and your core with the strength for all that of your passion. I hope you become very attracted to my soul and growing of this willingness to learn my pure love and understanding who I am. Is this where we harmonized with our soul and become "one" in our journey? The achievement from love, Eros, where the sex that unify us for harmonious? "To invite love you must surrender" So would you surrender yourself to me as I surrender to you? When our time arrive? Are we on the "right time" to find each other? I am not afraid to show my vulnerable side to you. To meeting you and feel your soul and your longing. I fear the fear of my expression and bareness in this very moment and can help to thinking do you also feel this connectness through my writing.

I have been single most of my life because I have never found that “certain connection” and to me, anything else is just not worth it. I want that connection more than anything does, a connection of souls does. Most people don't seem to understand what I want and I just can’t explain it to them. To me, physical appearance is only secondary; the truth is in the eyes, the window to your soul. Waiting for your soulmate is very lonely and more often than not, I do begin to wonder and question myself, just as my friends and family has. I have begun to doubt if my soulmate searching is true, but I just can’t give up . , I can prove my heart was right all along. Every breath I take I feel my heart grow a little colder. I am colder. I have grown to believe I'll be lonely for a very long time. Everyday I wish for a love. A love that invades my dreams (of both night and day) and then I’ll sigh. What I am trying to say is that I miss that feeling of being loved and crave it with my entire heart body, mind and soul. I can’t stop believing that you are out there, my true love, my soulmate. I know that in this world, there is one person who will love me for me and not what I have to offer.

The only thing that is important to me is to find unconditional love, a love that will last forever. This love is not found in cars or in money or the success I have achieved. I just want to share my life with someone. I miss long walks on the beach at sun down, soft kisses and whispers of “ I love you.” I miss lying in bed at night hearing the rhythm of a heart that I love. A heart that I can cherish always and forever. I am looking for the one person that I cannot live without, the one that I would die for. I want someone that I can love and take care of, nurture and grow with, cry and laugh with, talk about anything with and know that above all they will stand by my side and grow old with me. Our love will never grow old, as I want to love you more and more each day for eternity.

We are fated to meet. It is our destiny. I can only hope that the naked truth is enough to whet your appetite and encourage you to risk your heart with me. For in the words of Janos Arnay, "In dreams as in Love…there are no impossibilities". I will show you my inner most self, the things most are afraid to talk about and lie to themselves and others about. I have painted it on the canvas of God's masterpiece for all to see. Those who accept me, those who don't, those who will judge me, those who want to use me, those who are afraid of me, those who want to love me. Each line plays the melody of my soul's true rhythm. I guess I know where my heart is. I often think about you and know you love me, remember, it did not matter this or that, that I know you love me. You are as special as I. Yet part of me has been wanting your validation and knowing of the soul. My ego tells me other things, but I ask God's truth and my thoughts keep coming back to you, with many questions and yes unknowing too. We do feel each others spirit's, for every night I ask God's permission and the permission of my true partners' spirit to communicate with me and I with her. I know that my conscious does not always tell me as maybe it is not time yet for the conscious knowing. But I know my spirit is where Love is.





PART 8


I keep writing to you in hope that somehow fate will draw me to you. I hope that these words will reach your heart and you will awaken with the realization that I am "the one".. But for now I will keep writing until I prove I believe I am the one you are looking for. I am sitting at the coffee shop in Lincoln Center drinking my chocolate cappuccino, hoping that you will walk in and see me sitting there. So far I think either you never came in or you passed me by. I envision you coming over and putting your hand on mine and just a simple hello. That’s it, the sparks fly when our eyes meet. My hands all sweaty my heart racing. I will just know its you along.. I love to go to Central Park and Riverside Park I used to go there on my sleepless nights and go watch the sun come up on the water. There wasn’t a soul around. Just me and the ducks and the quietness of morning light. I swore I could almost hear the sun move threw the sky. It was so peaceful and beautiful. Nature is so content on a clear day. Ever hear the wind blow and swear you hear someone calling your name?

I often wonder what it is that I am feeling. I mean this is crazy isn't it? I feel love in my heart for you, and yet I haven't met you yet. My emotion wells up inside me and then the tears come, like some kind of purgation. My love needs a place to go and I have no other place than here. It is far to large to stay inside of this body and when it wells the tears come uncontrollably. I am not afraid to tell you so, I am not afraid to look like a fool for Love. I can't really help it even if I wanted to. Sometimes I wonder what is happening to my mind and my body. I wonder if somehow this love that I am feeling is growing larger by the day. I try to grasp what I feel I try to chart and map it and then I lose it all together. Does your mind run away with you as it does for me? Do you wonder what next, what if? And what is written on the sky for the future of you and I? I wonder why I am here sitting here with all of these feelings. I feel thislLove in my heart and wonder why you are not here with me? Why does it have to be this way? Why does my heart well up with? I wonder if what I am feeling is real, if you think I am crazy or maybe I am just a fool? And yet I put my fingers to these keys and I feel like they are connected to my soul. . I have these feelings and they instantly splayed onto the page. It is as if this is my divine connection to you. Do you ever read the words to yourself at night in bed and know that our souls are connected. Do you think I am crazy? Do you think this man is on a day pass? There is no one on the face of this earth that thinks like this? Do they? I feel you with me even though you are not ever present in my life physically. I wonder why you came to me. I asked God for someone to Love.

Dear God, if it is not asking too much Please send me someone to love. I cannot even touch you, feel your skin next to me, feel the touch of your lips to mine, feel our bodies intertwine. I feel helpless.. I feel this desperate feeling of longing, a desperate feeling of wanting, sometimes obsession and then I think this just cannot be happening and so I cry. It doesn't know where else to go and so the tears come from my heart from my soul like rain they pour out. My body feels cold then, until it passes and then I am instantly better after my purgation as if it has emptied itself and then it grows again and the process repeats itself? Is this so crazy and insane? Could I really feel this way? Will you read my words and feel my heart and soul behind them? Will you read my words and know that I am a man of passion. A man that has had love bottled in his heart that has been growing for years with really no where to go. I constantly wait and wonder if someday it will happen. I wonder if I will ever make it to you arms and feel them fold around me? What will we say to each other when we meet? How will you feel and will we finally be home? I wonder this so often all the time. What if you see me and I am not what you are expecting? Would the words and the passion of my soul be enough to keep you from running away? How wills it happen? Where will it be? I really have no one to tell. No one to talk to about this and so I just writes and writes and writes. I mean could anyone really understand this? That I feel REAL LIVE LOVE in my heart. I know how I feel. I cannot deny it. But who would guess that I could love a woman so deeply and truly that I have never met never touched her body and yet her soul is my own. We are so much alike and FEEL the same how could this be happening? And yet it is, will you touch these words tonight my love and know that these words are connected to the heart and soul of a man in love. I am so afraid of the cloud of unknowing. I am so afraid of the what ifs and the not knowing. I cannot lie to you, but what I feel inside tells me that I cannot deny my heart and what I feel for you

Are my words speaking directly to you? Do you want to know more about me? I want to know if you are as obsessed with love as I am and how far you are willing to go to be with your soulmate. Are you willing to give up to get? Are you willing to work toward it? Do you think I am stalking your sex? If I showed up at your door and said "Good afternoon would you please make love to me" would you have me removed from the premises or would you invite me in knowing that my loving heart guided me to your doorstep? Would you be willing to make time for me? To know the me of who I am and all my inner intricacies. Would you let me know you? Or would you remain closed keeping me behind a chained linked fence to wonder and guess. My love I tell you that I need all of these things. I need a path of togetherness of loving and hand holding. Are you were willing to take a risk and step into something that you have never known?




What I like to talk to you about:

1-SEX
2-MONEY
3-STOCK
4-LOVE
5-NEWS
6-SPIRTUALITY

***I WRITE ABOUT LOVE, BUT I
TALK ABOUT SEX


What I like to read>

1-NEW YORK TIMES
2-NEW YORK MAGAZINE
3-MONEY
4-PC WORLD
5-MEN'S HEALTH
6-BUSINESS WEEKLY




PART 9


I want to know right now what you are feeling. I want to know every feeling that you have ever experienced. I want to get inside of your heart your soul mind and body. Would you let me? Or would you walk away? Would you be afraid to let yourself go because you be vulnerable? Will you be afraid to tell me everything and spill your soul to me? What has the past done to your future?. I want to know what your heart tells you right now at this very second. I want to know what you feel and what you think about and will you be willing to reach the sky to get it? For me, you are there always walking with me today and walked with me yesterday. Look at the sky and tell me what the clouds say to you. Do you see white streaks across the sky or do you see them as soft and billowy full of dreams and undiscovered treasure. We are under the same sky together. The sky that connects the heavens that brought this love together. I cannot stop thinking about it. It is an obsession that I carry in my heart. Can you hear my voice call your name? Will you listen as I talk gently to you in the language of love? Will you think this is not happening? Will you go on living in ambiguity? Never acknowledging me or my name or who I am to you? Do you know me yet? Do you know who I am? Do you recognize me as a spirit of your past? Present? Future? I think of you always in my day in my evening and in my dreams. You are beside me and always part of me. Will you tell me? Will you give me your soul from where you are standing? Will you chain our souls together through your words to me? Will you give me the Love and beauty from inside your heart that makes you so beautiful to me? I will treasure them always, your precious feelings your heartbeat is my breath



THE BEGINNING OF IT ALL

I have always believed that two people were born around the same time, but different circumstances takes them on different paths, maybe one was in Utah, and one in New York. One went to college, one didn't. But their paths keep moving. And through the years, both always knew that something was missing, always hoping, always waiting. Then, one day, their paths finally cross; you know how it works, Everything is said with the soul through the eyes, and you just know, you've known forever. No relationship happen by chance. We always get the relationship we ask for. Every relationship satisfy a need we have.

I have self-esteem issues just like everyone else. I have spent the vast majority of life learning to love myself. It still a hard thing to look in the mirror and love all that you see. The place to start is where it all began. My family. I am very close to my family. You learn your ideas of love first at home. The family establish the rules of what is normal in someone who loves you. I learn most of my rules from my mother. My mother basically raises my sisters and me. She use the withdraw of love as most parent do to control our behavior. She was not perfect, she did her best. I guess she loved me so much that she wanted me to be perfect. When she saw something wrong within me, she would tell me in the form of criticism. Her line was, “ Only people who love you will tell you the truth about you.” What she forgot was there is also positive side to the truth. She wanted what was best for me. To be perfect, but I can never be perfect.

Eventually the criticize reach a point that all she ever did was tell me the things that I lack, the things that I need to fix about myself. Always telling me what I should do. In one hand, she would tell me she loves me and cares for me. And in the other hand she would tell me what was wrong with me.. I know now that my mother loved me the only way she knew how. I looked to her for approval or validation and yet got none, just the negative. It is different now; my relationship with my mother is so much more balance. Our parents do want us to be perfect in every way, not to have to live the way they did and live a better life than they did. I always knew that deep inside it was from a point of love, to prevent me from suffering from the evils of the world. What she did hurt me alot, but she also was very kind to me. She cooked, fed, and took great care of me. I have nothing but love for both of my parents. My dad was the head of the household. He was making the decision. A self-made man. Where my mother see the negative, my dad would see the positive. He would tell those things that were right about me. The only problem was I rarely saw him. Where my mom save money, my dad spend money like water. Where my dad is stubborn, my mom is easily influenced. They balance each other out. I know they love each other every much. Their personalities are opposite, but their core values are the same. They would argue like most married couple do, but they were also committed to each other no matter what.

There is a reason why we pick who we pick in relationships. It might appear to be an accident, but it is not. We pick and choose people who fulfill a need we have. It is not a coincidence that most people attract emotionally unavailable individuals. It is not an accident that you can't find anyone who is marriage material. As Shakespeare once wrote," the fault is not found in the stars but within ourself".

So how does a person justify all the choices that were mistakes? Like most of you, I would say that the wrong people just constantly show up in my life, but that is not an excuse. You are still the person who is doing the choosing. Always picking and finding the wrong persons means that you are also very good at avoiding the right ones. So why do we keep attracting and ending up with the wrong person all the time? Am I sending some kind of signal to other people? In reality, the truth is the harder pill to swallow. I might be attracting people who are afraid of commitment. I can't tell you the number of times that I started up with someone knowing in my heart of heart I knew that I would never commit to them. I did pick safe relationship for a while. I knew that they would never make me deliver in my promise to commit. They will never hold me accountable to all the things I said or all the feeling and wants that I have. Most people can't handle what a relationship requires, the demands and comprise that are needed. They believe that there is someone out there who will understand them and will someone how act according to how much togetherness and separateness they want.




PART 10

When a child like myself is habitually criticized and not affirmed, we just stop being self-assertive because of the pain of repeated disapproval and fear of failure. When every decision is wrong, you stop making decisions for yourself.

This neediness for love has been with me all my life. My never ending ache stem because my needs not being met in childhood. I wasn't whole. These part that are lost inside of me must be out there somewhere. I had to find the missing part of me. I have this picture of this person who represent wholeness to me. Someone who would recuse me. Someone who would make me feel whole, to heal the wound of my past. I have been seeking for this magic what will make me enough. I was once a free loving caring child, and now grown up..i feel scared, vulnerable, and threaten, defensive and inadequate. I went out in search of the picture in my head of wholeness which consist of both neg and pos. The picture is a by product of my childhood, someone who would save me.




THINGS I LIKE TO DO:
1-Go to the movies
2-Sit in coffee shops
3-Sit in bookstores
4-Go to the ballet
5-Go to museum
6-Go to theater
7-TO STAY IN BED WITH YOU ALL DAY!!!

FAVORITE COLOR: BLACK



PART 10


The picture that i carried consist of everything that I did want and everything that i didn't want and those things that felt I lack. Subconsciously these were my needs and I was trying to find a relationship that would fit into the equations. Like I wrote before...no relationship happens my accident. I was drawn to those qualities that I long for or that were dismissed in me when i was young. We usually fall in love with someone who makes up for what is missing in us. The parts that were told was bad to have. Your missing self can only predict the kind of partner you will attract. For while we choose partners who possess the positive traits that we have buried, we also pick partner with our disowned neg. traits. Most of the time we pick someone with negative traits because we are hoping that this time we can finish the issues that were left behind. In affect we are asking our partner to undo the damage. We pick individual subconsciously.

When I am alone, I sink myself into sadness. I seem to always be asking myself, “why me?” “Why do I feel so defective?” I try to see some reason, some pattern, some escape from feeling the way I do. Often I find solace with books, philosophy, sex and writing. I worked hard in loving myself and then I hit a wall. No matter how much you love yourself, you still need the acceptance of other people. To be denied this acceptance is to deny yourself happiness. So many people have lost their hungry for love, they replace it with money, material things ects. If your belly is full you are not hungry and if you are not hungry you are not motivated to do what is necessary.


I began the search for my true love at the age of 12. My sixth grade class took a three Day class trip to upstate. On the last night all the boys and girls were separated on each side of the wall. We were then to be matched with the person across from us. I was matched with Valerie. Valerie was a blue eyed beauty that I had a crush on, but was petrified to talk to. I remember walking across the room to dance with her when she said that she did not want to dance with me. Why didn't she want to be with me? After the experience, I came to believe that love could only belong to those who were perfect. Those who had the perfect body, perfect face, perfect car. . I cried that night because I didn’t have that “thing” that others had. Once again I was not enough. I was deficient not only with my parent's eyes now, but also with the opposite sex. I was not perfect and was always picked last in gym class because i was small and skinny. It took years to stop crying. Whenever I would see a man and woman walking hand and hand with love in their eyes, I'd wonder where they found. All I ever wanted was what that couple had between them. Something you can not hold, touches or taste. Will I ever find anyone who will find me special and wonderful?




Songs:

-Wild Horse (The Sundays)
-One (U2)
-Come To Me (Bojki)
-Father Figure (George Michael)
-You Are Not Alone (Michael Jackson)
-Edge of the Ocean (Ivy)
-Glad I'm not a Kennedy (Shana Lang)
-Both Side Now (Joni Mitchell)
-The Blower's Daughter
-Disappear (INSX)




PART 11

I did what my parent wanted me to do most of life. I trusted their judgment. I went to medical school and so did my sister. It was like an unwritten rule in the house that we all become doctor. My dad is doctor. My mom was a nurse and now a housewife. My parent brought me up to be honest. I still remember when I was 8 years old and my mother made me apologize as an adult for something I had done. She explained what I had done and she explained to me that the other person deserved an apology from me. I remember how hard that was for me. I still thank my mom for that. It has made me be able to apologize so easily. It’s not hard for me. If I truly believe that for one second I have wronged you or have done something that might offend you I will hold my head up high and ask for your forgiveness and ask you to talk about it. My mom has told me to choose wisely about who I should want to spent the rest of life with, since not everybody can make me happy. You know how moms are, they think their child is the best. My mom does acknowledge my defects, yes she does! But she always tells me that I am a great man with a great heart. And great feelings and that any woman should be proud to have me in her arms. God blesses momma!!!!!!hahahahah :) I always knew in my heart that I am going to have someday two children. The first one is going to be a girl. I can even tell you her name one-day. I have seen her, she is beautiful and she is a CHILD OF LIGHT. I would love to be a DAD. I have felt that since some years ago. I was not like those people that always touch the babies, but something happened when I turned 30..hahahah but I have this thing, a .kind of sadness that I miss my baby girl already. Many times I talk to her and I tell her that she cannot be born yet since she has to be born from a special mother and out of pure love. I have been loved before. I still am actually and yes I have also loved.

To me nothing in this world is more important than a person. When you fight about drapes, cars, money, clothes, dishes or your job, you are only elevating those things to higher position. No "thing" in the world should take precedence over the individual and God knows I've learned this the hard way for years my soul was bound into knots and my spirit was imprisoned, I became very afraid of women but, deep inside I so desperately wanted the love of one. I used to cry all the time in my room wishing that someone would hear me and save me. Take care of me, hug me and love me. Sitting in my room in one of "those nights" and understanding that if one more day without her you will become as cold as a frog at the time when you are the most give, attractive, hot, smart----- you feel despair. When you fell hurt and all that pain builds inside you What do you do? Escape, escape to every extreme you only can find: television, education, books, work...whatever you need to do. You are afraid of loneliness. Constant search, doubts, as if everyone can be HER, but at the core- the pain of being alone, pain of NOT cheating myself. Life is so short and every day is one more less of spending with HER, giving to HER, HER as the whole world of mine, reflection of the dreams, tragedy of leaving and the revelation of meeting again.

At age 27, I fell madly in love. I remember her blue eyes matched perfectly with her red hair. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever met and “she loves me!” She took my hand when we met at Lincoln Center. She took my hand when we went to MOMA. We kissed on the escalator and on the subway. I knew I had found love with Joanne. How did I know it was love? To her I was perfect. I WAS PERFECT IN HER EYES. I WAS ENOUGH. I WAS HANDSOME. I WAS BEAUTIFUL. FINALLY I FOUND A SOUL LIKE MINE. With all my faults and flaws, she really loved me for ME. I remember the exact moment I knew she was" the one". We were waiting for a table outside a restaurant on our first date. My nose was running and she licked it with her tongue. That simple act gave me a sense of acceptance. AN ACCEPTANCE I was looking for all my life. I can't express how important this was into words. All my life no one has accept me beside my family. ACCEPTANCE FINALLY. She reciprocated every kind act I ever did. I would make her a tape of music and she would do the same. I would write her a love letter and she would write one back. We couldn't stop talking and I never had to think of something to say. We also had the strangest things in common. We both like Leo Buscaglia and throwing salt over our shoulder. I though it was quite amazing that I hadn't opened my soul with anyone or myself until my first love, and then everything was clear. I wasn't a stranger to myself anymore. Joanne passed on a gift by showing me “ME.” For the rest of my life I will be indebted to her. Even now ...writing this is making me cry. When you are in the cross road of your life where you can go up or down, someone met you at the cross road and believe in you when you didn't believe in yourself. It's like that play, Man of LaMancha. A story about about a women who been used by every man in her life and she end up being a women of the night. She met this man who tell her how special she is, how beautiful she is and at first she doesn't believe him. But he is persistent, and slowly but surly she start to believe him. My favorite scene is at then end when the man is dying in his bed and hear that she is slipping back to her old way. He call for her and sing this beautiful song
"the impossible dream".

Joanne help me to stop feeling inadequate, made love to me so I know I was wanted, make me feel special, make me feel important. Make me feel that I do matter. I do exist.... Show me that those kids who laugh at me because I was skinny were wrong about me, show the world and all the women who ever rejected me that they make a big mistake, heal me...be there for me so if i fail, i won't feel like I am alone. Help to show to all the women, teacher, anyone who thought less of me that they were TOTALLY FUCKEN WRONG. THAT I DO MATTER....THAT I AM SUCCESSFUL, THAT I AM ATTRACTIVE....THAT I AM OK. It took someone to really love me to save me. Joanne had those positive traits that I was looking for. She had all of them. I still remember this one day in the spring where we sat under a tree and her head was in my lap and the sun was shining on her face. I was stroking her hair and looking down...reading to her and the only thought in my head was "I AM SO HAPPY. I AM SO LUCKY". I was working like a dog as a resident, had no money, yet....yet I was in love and I was happy. There is not enough word or emotions that I can write there to explain to you the time with Joanne was like. I was with her for 3.5 years. I wish I was with her forever, but life got in the way. She lost her job in NYC, her mom develop breast cancer and she got ill because of all the stress. All of it put a toll on us. She left me....left NYC and went back to Boston





PART 12


My first love nearly killed me when it ended, if not for my love of my parents. Before Joanne I never cried in a movie theater, never cried listening to a piece of music and never cried looking at beautiful artwork. I was asleep before her. Like humpty dumpty, she broke my heart and none of the king’s men could put him back together again. I was changed, different somehow. I have to tell you, the month following the break up was one of the hardest times of my life, but it was also a realization period for me. As I was crying in the shower, thinking of Joanne like I always did, I would remember her telling me that a piece of my hair was there in the shower and that every time she took a shower I was with her. While I was crying I was thinking of all the time we spent together and then, all of a sudden I realized I had capacity for love. I was capable of giving so much love to someone. Joanne treated me like a king and from her the standard was set of what love meant to me. I could not settle to anything less than the way Joanne treated me. Without Joanne I was once again set out to the dating world.

After the breakup with Joanne, I was scared of getting hurt again. The next several relationships were very safe relationships. We know the other person will not ask us to put our heart on the line and possible get hurt. So many times, I did settle for someone because of my loneliness, my need for approval, or sex. I have told myself that it's okay to date and be intimate with someone who isn't really what I'm not looking for. The truth is spending a lot of time with someone, talking, holding hands, kissing, making love…. All this led to attachment even if it's with someone who doesn't seem right for the long term. I have dated a few women and always seemed to be misunderstood by them. They seem to want me the way that they wish I could be rather then growing together and learning together the secrets of life. Listening to the world, and knowing that things happen for a reason, there are no bad things, just mistakes that you learn from. I have made mistakes in my life thinking that the one woman was the one and then opening my eyes and realizing I was trapped in a cycle, wasting time.
I reached the point where I wanted more than just companionship and sex after Joanne because I still felt lonely. There were so many times I thought I was in love, but I realized that I was just trying to work myself out. I notice something. I would let people in, but at so point they will reach a wall. Because of the pain I experience with Joanne. To open my heart once again was more pain than it is worth. Different women would come and go in my life, but they turn out to be like those who came before, except some where more beautiful, other more giving, and even sophisticated, but in the core they were the same. My close female friends tend to be unsuitable for one reason or another (married, smoke, different sexual orientation [which doesn't bother me in a friend, but which I find unsuitable in a romantic partner], or simply a lack of attraction). Over the last several years, I have watched my friend’s pair off, marry, and even start families. I keep wondering why I am not part of that process. It struck me that there aren't so many people in this world who are willing to wait and to search for the one. I mean, what are the chances right? All the people in this world and we think that we can find the one person who was meant to be our soulmate. The one person who we know without question that we were meant to be with. Most people settle. They don't even know what they are missing. They have never been in love before or they think they were. I guess it might be easier that way. To not know. Of course I have never really been the kind to opt for the easy way out.

My fear of getting hurt was clashing with my hunger for love. There was an internal civil war inside of me. The more I kept people away, the more the hunger for love grew. I was losing patience. All my life I was chasing after approval and love. I was afraid that if I give them the time to really know me, they would see I was defective and lacking like my mother, Valerie, shown me. I would give up my identity to my partner, to my lover. I would put more effort and time into the relationship than she did. I would submit to the lack of involvement and reciprocation because I felt since I lack. I was defective. I was just lucky if anyone really loved me. No one ever gave me the approval that I crave and since I felt unworthy and inadequate I wanted to prove to the ghost of my past that they were wrong. I am important, I am whole. I went after the most beautiful women and the smartest all in the attempt in filling the hole of inadequate. I was drawn to women who were like my mother and I was drawn to emotions I often mistake for love. It was not love. It was need. And love and need are two different things. Love is freedom. Need is control. I am now aware of the wrong belief system I had. I will not do this anymore. I want a balanced relationship. Joanne spoiled me in a way that with her it was balanced

I talk about the walls. I have to take them down. I am so afraid of getting hurt again, but I'm more afraid of not loving and not being loved again! I will not surrender my dream either. I am forever condemned to be a romantic and I will risk opening my heart once again for the sake of perhaps realizing what has been elusive thus far. What my soul has sought since, as far back as I can remember, what I have carried around in my heart everyday of my life is the dream. Usually when you are in a relationship you begin to hide who you really are. You get into an exchange type of relationship. You conceal a certain part of you and she keeps secret a certain part of herself. Usually in a relationship when you hide who you really are, you being to lose yourself. When you lose who you are, the essence of what your partner love most about you is not there anymore. I hate to fight, my parent fought a lot and I personally did not like it. To not cause problem and to prevent fighting, I would hide myself. This is something I have to change. It’s normal to get mad with someone you love. I sometimes get so afraid that I might lose control and say or do something I will regret later and totally destroy the relationships. I was afraid to really talk about my feeling for the fear they would abandon me. Everyone get defensive including myself when conflict occur. It happens to so many times that you begin to believe it was just better to go along and not say anything, but you’re what happen. The resent grows little by little. You don’t forget the many time you gave yourself, just hoping that at the end it would finally give you the love, approval and acceptance you seek. When you don’t complain or speak up from the beginning of the relationship, the other person assume what they are doing is all right with you. You are as much to blame for the problem of the relationship as much as your partner is. You teach your partner how to treat you. I am tired of going along with whatever my partner want all the time in the name of love. Love is not about letting someone else controlling you. Love is not about letting someone walk over you. Love is not about losing yourself. I am tired of being the one who must always be understanding and forgiving and as a result got abused more. I always thought the more I gave, the more she would love me. The more I gave me, my time, my interests, my family, my friends…that would be the proof that I loved her. What happen was the more I gave the less I receive. Ever dated much when I got into my teens. I basically just picked the first nice women that came along and I stuck it out. Until I finally realized later that she just wasn't the one. I had a couple of affairs in the meantime but, I always went for women that wouldn't want commitment and usually they took advantage of me. I was so afraid of what they might do to me if I opened myself up entirely and yet I still wanted Love so desperately. To date I never have let anyone in entirely I always knew the honeymoon would be over and they would abandon me eventually so I could never trust anyone entirely. I have worked very hard to heal my heart and soul. I know now what I desire and deserve and I know what I am looking for. I long for my soulmate now and want to trust him entirely perhaps for one time in my life there is a woman in this world who will not abandon me



PART 13


I am tired of feeling like I did something bad. I am tired of feeling there is something wrong with me. I am not going to be passive anymore. Anger is OK in a loving relationship. There is no love and appreciation at the end of the rainbow with fulfillment. They always taking and taking more, to see how much they can take before you do something. She decides where we go, what to eat, what we will do with our time. People think that just because they love you, it gives them the right to criticize you and fix you. If you don't behave, think and act the way she does, they have the right to chastise you. Grueling is another way of altering your behavior. For what? For being me? My unwillingness to please her and change my behavior make me feel like I can not do anything right. The withhold of love start, just like your parent did when you did not follow their rules. They should be your lover not your parent. I am not looking for another parent. I am looking for my soulmate.

Just when I thought I would never fall in love again. I did. Her name was Melissa. She saved me more that I can write here. For the second time in my life I was destined to be lucky in love. Melissa was the second person I was in love with and she taught me that love could be found again. There is not just one soulmate in the world for just one person. But this relationship was different than Joanne. I was with Melissa off and on for over four years. The first year was wonderful and after that was a whole different story. Where Joanne teach me what love is all about. Melissa teach me two things. She showed me I was stronger than I thought i was and second she showed me what love should NOT be. With Melissa, I ask why do certain relationship just die and end. After the honeymoon phase was over, most women just take you for granted. They become self-absorb in their life. They forgot that little things add up. The consideration and respect they would give to a totally stranger is lost when it comes to you. And when you don't complain and stand up to avoid a fight and keep peace, they assume that you don't have a problem. They start expecting you to be available whenever they have a free time and to go along with things. Melissa starts nagging and telling me how I was not doing enough for her. You tolerate the behavior that normally you won't stand for from a stranger. The yelling, nagging, and hanging of the phone all because you love her. Most women become so engross in their job, themselves, they spent their valuable time not on their partner, but on other things and people. What happen to the simple gesture of love? People get into the habit of assuming thing all the time. Assuming that I still know that she still loves me and want me. She start criticism, nagging me to bring me around to be like her, think like her, and act like her. But I am not her. The thing that they love about you when they first met you is the very thing that they want to change in you. The problem is that most people when you get into a relationship with them is that they cannot see you anymore but as a member of their family and expect you to follow the family rules. You remember how dysfunctional families are. What is wrong and right in relationship is what they learn at home. And when they get involve with someone who conflict with what they think is right and wrong they start fighting with you.

I realized that the love I was to giving to Melissa was not being reciprocated. She grew distant as my night grew cold and my days lonely. Every time I would want to talk about my concerns she will redirect our problems to being something wrong with me. This gave me hope to hold on as I tried to convince myself that thing would get better. Every night I cried myself to sleep without an arm to lean on as I prayed for God to comfort me. Soon after I realized that I was not going to deprive myself from finding true love. I had too much love to give and refused to waste my years on something that evidently was not going to mount to anything.

What I learn from Melissa is that even though people might want a non-dramatic and easy relationship in their head, their heart like to create conflicts and fights within the relationship to created distance. It really is a way to not commit. In the beginning, Melissa appeared to actively looking for a commitment relationship, but her action for the most part was the opposites. She was the queen of mix messages. One day she was giving, the next day cold. One day she would be very seductive, the next day cold. One day she would be accepting, the next day critical. She was like two different people. When it was good, it was very good. To be honest I would go to sleep, not knowing if the next day I would wake up with the same person. I would go week to week not going if we were together.

The worst part of the relationship was when she would be test me every few weeks to see how much I really love her.. When I would fail her test, she would just leave the relationship or make my life miserable. She had issues dealing with trust and opening up because of her background. She was adopted and then when she was in college her adopted parents abandon her. But that is still no excuse in treating someone you claim to love like shit. Nothing I ever did was enough or right. I was trying to be a good boyfriend, but it's hard to be good when the feedback is mostly negative. I didn't meet her expectation no matter how hard I tried. Every gift I gave to her, every peom...it was never enough. She would accuse me of being needy
when she was the most needy person I have ever met. It was clear that would be spending the rest of my life struggling to win her approval just like my mom and I wasn't going to do that.

She always wanted to have a "serious talk" about where the relationship was going she would bully me to reveal some feeling, and then attack with vengeance, accusing me of being completely wrong, insensitive, stupid when I told her how I was feeling. She really didn't want to deal with my feeling. Melissa would constantly complain that I wasn't committed enough, yet it was she who would constantly would break up
with me. I learned that when someone is complain about something they are not giving in the relationship, it usually the same thing they can't give themselves. She was the one who made the relationship very difficult. I was with her every weekend, wrote poem and letter, cards. took her places. My parents hated her for hurting me. They have seen me cry over her with every break up. They didn't want me to be with her. In the end she wanted me to pick her over them and I decided that I would want to move in with her. Her answer was NO. Talking about commitment issues. She was the one with the commitment issues.



PART 14


She expected me to be this great boyfriend even with her hostile attitude towards me. Her need were always legitimate and very important and mine weren't. In my last few week with her, I can not totally relate why a man would cheat on his wife or girlfriend (I didn't cheat). I was always number three or four on her list of
priority. When I told her how I felt that I was not important in her life, she didn't listen. She com pained about having so much demand on her life and how and this just make her life tougher. I challenge her to imagine being the receiving end of her behavior. Even if you do communicate to your partner your feeling, it might go in one ear and out the other. Our sex life at the end was horrible, she was telling me how sick she was with her migraine and didn't feel up with having sex, yet she wanted to go out. Does that make sense?

People like Melssia are so use to doing what they want, go wherever they want to go, have a hard time giving up that freedom. Once you are a relationship you have to share decisions, you have to comprise. To some people comprise trigger anxiety. a sense of losing control of one's life. She wanted a relationship but didn't want to feel limited with comprise and obligation that goes with it. She had expectation of me, but I couldn't give her any expectation. She couldn't tolerate the feeling of having to do something because it was expected of her. I would ask her to call me, or surprise me and she would say, "I can't do it, I am not into mushy things. This is who I am". She believe that there is someone out there who will understand how much togetherness and separateness she would want

When she wasn't getting what she wanted Melissa always had escape plan, an excuse to leave me. Melissa would break up with me or threaten to every couple of weeks In a 4.5-year period that is a lot of break ups.This off and on relationship is a clear reflection of her inner chaos. During our break up she slept it other men. She said it was OK since we weren't really together. I on the other hand didn't sleep with anyone. Melissa rationalizes all her crazy behavior. To he, all her unreasonable, irrational behavior appear reasonable and acceptable in her mind. To me it is a clear example of denial. She essentially deny she had a problem by telling herself that I am not the right man, yet kept coming back to me.

Well, it was so oblivious to everyone how insensitive Melissa was to me, except for me. Let me telling you something, being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to commit and doesn't know it is exhausting and painful. She always fights with me, erecting walls as fast as I tear them down. Why would anyone deliberately choose such pain? Well, people would warn me about her, my friend, my family, and even my parents…. All telling me that she was bad for me, but I was blind. I would forget the argument and instead focused on the great sex. I would think about the romantic beginning rather than how she was treating me now. You can't commit to a fantasy or even the what might have been. Instead commit to what is really taking place. But it hard when you love someone, you only see the good. I just couldn't see the bad. I made a mistake. I was more commitment to the potential of a relationship than the person. I was hurting myself. I though she would finally turn around. Subconsciously, all the issues I had with my mother, I had with Melissa. I somehow associate Melissa as my mom and losing Melissa was like losing my mother. I wanted to resolve the issues I had with my mother thought Melissa. And Melissa wanted to resolver her issues with her parent to me. She wanted me to undo all the wrongs her parent did upon her.There is also another reason why I stay longer than I should have. If Melissa wasn't so beautiful and the sex wasn't so great, I would have left a long time ago.I wanted someone like Melissa, she was smart, attractive, and ex cheerleader. I felt I deserve someone like her to show to the world that I was OK. It was all EGO based. I wanted mold the her into the personality that I wanted her to be RATHER THAN go find an average girl who already has those character traits that I was trying to put into Melissa. I rather suffer and sacrifice my efforts to mold her than to leave her. I wanted to make the good-looking woman worship me.

I have to give credit to Melissa for one thing she did to me. She made me stronger. All her verbal and emotional abuse made me love myself even more. When someone abuse you more than you abuse yourself, you stand up to the abuser and say "ENOUGH". And that is exactly what I did. I no longer ACCEPT INTOLERABLE BEHAVIOR. You can't make excuses or being understanding like a parent would to behavior that are plain rude.

There were times that I thought Melissa really loved me. But how was I feeling this love even though was she wasn't nice to me. How was I feeling loved by her when she really wasn't loving me. The answer was that the love that I always feeling wasn't Melissa's love that I was feeling, but my own. My heart assume that the love that i was feeling was coming from Melissa. It seem like when someone does a certain thing...and that certain things is different for everyone, your mind assume that you love that person. That she is the source of the love, in actuality she hasn't actually given me anything. I really just allowed myself to feel that love. There are three ways we allow ourselves to feel the emotions of love.

1-audio: someone telling you "I love you"

2-visual: someone taking you to places and buying you things

3-kinetic: making love to you



PART 15



We all a lists of what necessary for us to assign our experience of love to others. If that person fail to do what's on your list, it's like she took your love away, but that is not true. When someone tell me they love me (audio) and makes love (kinetic) to me all the time. I allow myself to feel the love. If Melissa came over right now and made love to me, I would feel a feeling of love from her. But what did she actually do? Did she get a needle of love and injected into my heart? When I kissed her and took her breath into my mouth....did i taken her love as well? Did I somehow suck some love out of Melissa and swallowed it inside of me? Absolutely not! She gave me her body, but not her love. She could buy me things, take me places or even tell me she loved me a hundred millions times....but the question is did she give me her love? NO. I was feeling more love at the moment because I used what she did as an way to feel more of my own love that's has always been there. The love that i have been seeking all my life was always inside of me. To me, this was the biggest revelation I have ever learned. No more would I believe that I was lacking LOVE. No more would i feel hungry for love. No more would I feel I would have to do anything to get someone love.The day I truly realize this, was the day Melissa lost her hold on me.

The last time she broke up with me, I didn't beg her to come back to me. I didn't feel so sad. I realized that I never truly lost anything. I am not less lovable because she didn't want to be with me. She just wasn't there for me to boomerang my love anymore. Just because she wasn't here to hold my hands, kiss my lips, talk to me , or make love with I just didn't allow myself to feel my own love anymore. I didn't have less love just because she wasn't with me. I am not less lovable because Melissa wasn't mine anymore.I was the one who wasn't experiencing my own love anymore. Love isn't something we can actually get from anyone, it's a emotion that you choice to be in.

You have to understand what this mean....Love is a choice, a state of mind that you decide to be in. It is not something you get from the outside. Even though I spent years trying to love Melissa and she didn't feel my love, she wasn't suppose to feel my love because the love that she is suppose to feel won't be mine at all. She was suppose to feeling her own love. If they don't feel their own love, no matter what you do, it won't change that. She must love herself first in order to feel any love at all. You can only be an excuse for someone else to feel the love that is already has for themselves.

I had a very deep connection with Melissa and I felt great love for her. And yes, I wanted to help her. It soon became apparent that our relationship was one big power struggle---i would try to love her and she would push my love away. I remember dozen of times, sitting in front of her, tears streaming down my face, pleading with her to let my love in. Last few weeks I found myself sobbing uncontrollably in my bedroom. I felt overcome by grief, I was crying because I felt my love hadn't healed this person I cared for, I was crying because I hadn't been able to fill her heart, I was crying because I felt I had failed.And one of my ex-girl friend told me...You loved her more than she loves herself. My love for my partner had made her feel inadequate. I saw things in her she couldn't live up to, couldn't see in herself. My love became a reminder of her failure to love herself and she end up resenting me for the very love she wanted so desperately. We think our love can leave our heart and go into people, like a transfusion that will give them new life, but it can't. Your love can call out to someone else's love wake ti from deep sleep, but ti can't actually be exchanged and fill some one's emptiness.

I guess my problem with women has always been that I need a lot of attention and when I don't receive it I feel rejected. The attention I require is not materialistic, for I do not care for material things, I have such a need for love, that sometimes I think that no one is going to be able to love that way. A flower, a poem, just an "I LOVE YOU EVERYDAY" and to feel desired and made love to as often as possible would make my world go round and round. A walk in the park, or watching a sunset on the beach. How I long to be able to find that person who will love me the same way I will love her. My soulmate who will not only receive the love I have to give but will also give me the love I need. I have come across a few women that I thought were meant to be and at the end they all disappeared, where did they go, where did all the love the said they had towards me go? Was it that they really didn't feel it? Was it that they only played with my emotions and took what they could from me, my innocence, my dignity at times and most of all my love? Every time I had a heartbreak I thought I would die and felt like this for so long, thought I would never love anyone again, but life goes round and round and again. I'm tired of falling, I want to find the love of my life, be together forever. Could this be you, do you want to be my one and only? Could you surrender to me, as I will to you? I ask myself will you be ready to give this step? I know you expect this from me, but will you be able to give yourself in the same amount, as I will give myself into you? Many people don't understand the true meaning of love. I know exactly that love is to give one's heart, body and soul to the other person, but for the other person to accept all of this is, it's hard, they've called me possessive because I wanted to form part of their lives with their family and friends, overprotective or jealous because I have worried when they have been late or haven't arrived at all and too mushy because I have wanted to give a kiss or a hug in public or even sometimes when I have wanted to do in private. I don't regret any of my past relationships because I have learned very much from them and they will have a special place in my heart because they have helped me grow as a person. I had a friend once who told me that I shouldn't "fall" in love because as everything else when you "fall" you get hurt and have to start over again, that I should "grow" in love with a person, because everything that grows brings life to things. I think she was very right about it, and even though I never got the chance to see her face to face because of things that happened I am so happy to have had the chance to talk to her. I do not want to harm you, but the question is will you believe me? Are you ready for me as I am for you? Or maybe sometimes when you look too hard you don't see the inevitable, what's right in front of you crying to be taken in consideration but you don't seem to notice it's there. You are not the only one who's been hurt, all I have to say to you is "I LOVE YOU NOW AND WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER".



PART 16


THE ROSE


Let me breathe in for a long, long time the scent of your hair, let me plunge my entire face into it, like a thirsty man into the water of a spring, and let me wave it in my hand like a scented handkerchief, to shake memories into the air.

If you could only know all that I see! All that I feel! All that I hear in your hair! My soul voyages upon perfume just as the souls of other men voyage upon music.

Your hair contains a dream in its entirety, filled with sails and masts; it contains great seas whose monsoons carry me toward charming climes, where space is bluer and deeper, where the atmosphere is perfumed by leaves and by human skin.

In the ocean of your hair, I glimpse a port swarming with melancholy songs, with vigorous men of all nations, and with ships of all shapes silhouetting their refined and complicated architecture against an immense sky in which eternal warmth saunters.

In the caresses of your hair, I find again the languors of long hours passed upon a divan, in the cabin of a beautiful ship, rocked by the imperceptible rolling of the port, between pots of flowers and refreshing jugs.


In the ardent hearth of your hair, I breathe the odor of tobacco mixed with opium and sugar; in the night of your hair, I see the infinity of tropical azur resplendent; on the downy shores of your hair I get drunk on the combined odors of tar, of musk, and of coconut oil.

Let me bite into your heavy black tresses for a long time. When I nibble at your elastic hair, it seems to me that I am eating memories

When I see you, I will give you one, single rose. The rose represents our love. The center of the rose, like the heart is delicate and must be handled with care. It brings out an erotic fragrance that warms the body with passion. An open rose will entice and invite you. Its beauty stimulates the senses of the mind. Its energy is what makes it beautiful. Have you read “The Little Prince,” by Saint Exupery. It is one of my favorite childhood books. It is a book for children, but a lesson for adults. The theme of the book may be summed up in one sentence, "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

“The Little Prince” is about a boy and his rose. A boy who in the end of the book finally understands why his rose is unique to the entire world. In a garden full of other roses, He says of his rose, "You are not at all like my rose, no one tamed you and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in the entire world. You are beautiful, but empty. One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you—the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of other roses because it is she that I care for.” Sometimes I feel like I am on my own planet and just like the "Little Prince" everything on it is very small. The reality of life outside of the shiny world can truly be sobering. There are so many pains that must be endured and the journey often asks us to endure an awful lot of burning. I have always know that I have been "different" and that my planet is just a little more obscure that the rest but, I think everyone feels that way I guess. What I am really longing for and missing on my planet is divine love to reciprocate my passion. Sometimes my planet speaks in silences. Sometimes my planet is loud and boisterous. Sometimes I just want a shoulder to cry on someone to laugh with and share some silly experiences, someone to have inside jokes with. To tell her all the things that my friends PROMISE me never to tell. I am usually warm and fuzzy to the world but, sometimes. I become very afraid. I become withdrawn and afraid to reach out. It is everything that I have to ask for help but, when I am afraid. I need you to be with me.

When you love someone or something, when you truly take care to watch someone or something, you see what is truly important. It is not what you see in someone’s face, money or possessions. It is only their soul which is important. Only a person with a heart can see pass the surface. Only with your heart could you see and trust mine. After all, it takes a heart to know another heart. The women of the world to me, are like roses. All are beautiful, all are unique. To invite a man, however a woman must open her heart, open the petal of her soul

Love is when you give your heart wholly to the person that you are willing to share your life with for the rest of your life. I do believe at love at first sight, but not like what everyone else perceives it to be. You must see with your heart into someone soul. I think it is when you have looked into someone's eyes, and you have that feeling of knowing that your search is over. When you see the entire person through a glimpse of their eyes. You know everything about them, and you know what they are thinking and feeling while you are looking at them. And you know that you and the other person feels the same way at the same moment. That is what I think of love at first sight. I don't think it's like in the movies, where you hear the music playing, and see fireworks. There is so much more to it than that. When you see the person, it has nothing to do with "looks". It has everything to do with the soul and heart. All in an instant, you want to know everything about the person's past and future. You want to know what their favorite color is, you want to make love to them, and give them everything you have to offer. You want to embrace every aspect of them. You want to become closer, and somehow sex just isn't close enough at times. You want to spend every waking hour of everyday with the person, sharing your innermost thoughts and emotions. You want to give them all you have, spiritually All of my friends that are married, have gotten married for the wrong reasons. All of them. And the ones that are dating, they are dating for the wrong reasons.I do not want to be that way. I want to be married once, and love that person for the rest of my life. All the people that are married in my family have all stayed that way. No one has ever looked for anyone better because they waited for the right person to begin with.

Beauty is something that every individual perceives different. Beauty values change through centuries and they will never stay the same. My mother, whom I love so very much said once that I'm not beautiful, I'm very special. My mother, because she looks at me with the eyes of a female, she judges my appearance as a female can judge. I think that appearance is a useless thing, it gives nothing to a person. Of course, for some people it gives a sense of perfection. Through all my life I wanted to be special, A long time ago, I promised myself, unconsciously, to become someone who can understand people's hearts and souls. I want to heal people's aching, wounded hearts and souls and through them to heal myself. You might read this and assume that I am in love with some fantasy in my head. I will assure you I am not. I am not seeking wonder women but someone as human and passionate as myserlf.t. I don't want to ask my soulmate to be someone with a certain kind of character and attitude, and brain, and interests, etc. I just want to meet her and understand that this is you. I don't want to keep on dating more and more for just to prove to myself, that that was not her and the other was also not her. Why, why should I experience this ugly feeling more and more? . I'm crying now and thinking that, maybe, this is you, whom I was looking for so many days, nights, months and years? I don't think that my heart is broken because of someone and now, with your help, I want to heal it. No! I want you to be with me forever and ever, never to lose you, never to think that I can lose you, never to let "self eating" thoughts come into my mind, that maybe you cheat on me, or lie to me, or play with me. I don't want a wife for the purpose of telling other people: "Look, I have a wonderful beautiful wife! We have beautiful kids, cars and a house! Are you jealous? Oh, no, don't be! You'll also have this, sooner or later!" See, I don't want this, I don't want these Hollywood marriages, where every woman is thinking how much she'll get after divorce. I want my only woman to be only with me, I want out quiet living, our passionate nights, our wonderful big family, meeting at the dinner table on Saturday/Sunday, our wonderful, smart kids, our comfortable living--to be only ours, not anyone's else. We will build our own strong, loving, spiritually rich, passionate, caring, eternal family. And none will be able to destroy it. Do you agree? If you do, then, I think we were born one for the other. God led our ways and lives to meet, to connect and never to be separated. All my life I lived according to Omar Khayyam's poem, which is true as only the life can be:

A Book of Verses underneath the Bough,
A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread--and Thou
...Beside me singing in the Wilderness--
Oh, Wilderness were Paradise enow!



PART 17



WE ARE ALL ONE (GOD)

We are all One. One Soul. There is only one energy. God is within us all. We are all God. This realization was the beginning step for me to loving myself. In God’s eyes I am perfect, I am never alone. He is with me always. There is nothing that is outside of me that I am not a part of. This mean what which I seek is just an extension of me and I just have to draw myself to it. I began to see God in everyone. The unfolding of the soul. Love of God and in all things allows you to see the soul of other. I know this might be just word to you, but to me, this understanding change everything. I realized my soul would never die. I don’t have to be perfect for God to love me; this energy force loves me already. There is nothing I did or will do that is wrong or right. For in God’s world nothing is bad or good.

If you cannot trust God's love...how can u even trust anyone love? People who cannot love...cannot trust love. You want to know why most of us don't know what we want. Because all out life we have been taught that what we think, feel was stupid and ridiculous. Our heart would cry out to be open and heard and the outside world would close down on the soul. After so many years of being told not to trust our heart and love, we become deaf to our heart. More like dead. Nothing moves us anymore. What free our heart is love and truth. Truth about who we really are. All of us have God within ourselves. And if you have to do is to change this belief statement about God -- God cannot be trusted to God that can be trusted. I’ve lived with faith all my life. The faith is still in something internal that cannot be seen in bodily form. There’s a paradox here .I already have faith in what I cannot see nor will ever see with my eyes ...the beauty of your soul... yes, I am interested in the soul suit. But like the little prince when you live by the soul you are able to see other people soul. Our bodies are the temples of these souls and so we must physically care for and touch and see because we are human...not wholly divine...not until death. The ego love appearance. The soul loves the inside. I think that my desire to eventually see you and look into your eyes and pass the body.

If you look at any object, be it a chair, car, and pencil. You will notice that these objects are made out of electrons and protons. If we go deeper to the subatomic level, do you know what we will see space, nothingness and in between the nothing are vibration of subatomic structure. In the quantum level we see only particles/wave. Pure energy. ENERGY. EVERYTHING YOU SEE AND TOUCH IS ACTUALLY MADE UP OF NOTHINGNESS. Every object is different because the subatomic structures they are vibrating in different frequency. Every object makes it own music. In a way when two people make love, each person own existence sent out its own music and when they become one their vibration mix and blend to make a music that is their and their alone. The highest form of energy’s the energy of thoughts. That is why I believe I will attract my soulmate. The only way you can see another person soul is through your soul. You have to live by the soul to see other people’s soul, “what is essential is invisible to the eye”, remember. People who live by the ego only care about the appearance. All matter is collection of energy; everything is made out of subatomic particles unseen to us. Do you know that dog don’t see color. Color does exist. There is radio wave, sound wave and these are things that are invisible to us. What we see is not what really there. Each of us are powerful, everything we do, say or even think affect the whole life of universe. We are all pieces of the divine. The nominal thing we do has consequence fundamental influence the fate of all things. A butterfly wings in some minuscule way affect the wind in the other side of the world.

I have readed into many religions and have found that they are all man made. In the end all great men have said the same thing just in different words, but same meaning. Spiritual teacher had told us to love and respect life and when I say life I mean life in a rock or life in a person, life in all. We are all made from the same ENERGY/LIFE PARTICLE. That is a spec of the GOD SOURCE, which would make us all GODLIKE BEINGS. I belief we are here on this Earth to experience that disconnection in order to travel back to that union and that connection. over and over again experiencing perfection even more perfect This energy of the soul that all living things has can be felt all the way to my heart even if we are millions of miles away. My nights, my inner visions, my life and yet you are here and you are not. Do you understand? You are nothing but an extension of what is inside of me. The soul attracts all things. The soul attracts whatever people; places and event necessary to experience whatever it need to experience. Everything happens to you because in some soul level you made it happen.Think about this for a minute. Since everything is made out the same type of energy, all life particle are interrelated to each other. A life particle in one end of the universe know exactly what the other particle in the opposite of the universe is doing. But here is something even more profound. The communication between these two particles happen instantaneously, faster than light (which is the fasting thing in the universe so far that man has recorded). Just the fact that we observe something with our thoughts affects what we are examining, even though we may think we are at a distance. We are all one..and how we see something affect it greatly.Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.

Where there is love there is God and where there is God there is love. 'Ubi caritas ET amour Deus ibi est.' I could go on and on about this growing awareness in me. I do have a better understanding of Anglican theology as incarnation...the God in all of us. Us as one with God and 'he' with us and the more we become truly ourselves the more we are in God and the more we become like 'him' (her) the more we become ourselves. Our whole self. I love the openness in the Anglican community. The openness to many ways of understanding God. And a respect that we are all at different places in our journeys to know God. Who God is to us and how each of us best comes to an understanding of that is as different as each individual. While at the same time we have this great and awesome responsibility to live in community with each other and the world because "as you have done it unto the least of these you have done it unto me." And so the kindness and compassion to every stranger is required of us and should flow naturally from us as 'believer's". Recognizing the divine in all people and things. So many think they know love and haven't a clue as to the height and breadth and depth of the spiritual in true love.

You see I get weak sometimes, the longing in my soul tears at me too. Sometimes I do not know what to do. What I do is call out to God and tell him to bring her home soon and to thank God for letting me know she has always been there in the silence of stillness in every essence surrounding my entire being, mind soul body and spirit. I guess I was thinking about trust and if I did not trust you, no matter when doubts reveal themselves, I know I am still writing and communicating. So this is my validation. As you know people do settle, wanting love, they trick themselves into believing this person is the one, yet their soul is revealing the truth through the things they experience everyday. I learned that when you are walking your path truthfully and loyally, God does know, and he sees the innocence and all you give, so when deceit is there and that truth and loyalty is not being reciprocated. God tells me in a dream



PART 18

Live your life in the eternal now.... In the never-ending moment of now. The right now. That very powerful word. Now, in this minute. Are you happy? Do you have everything you need in your life right now? Are you breathing? Is your mind aware of what is going on around you? Are you fulfilled? Are you productive and helpful to your reality and to the people you have manifested in that reality? Are you here now? Or somewhere in that world of yours? I always joke around and say that there is this planet out there hasn't been discovered yet. It’s my planet. Its filled with my hopes, my dreams long forgotten illusions, mountains of pain, valleys of easy days relaxed days. Rivers of tears cried over and over again. Trees that have hugged me in times of sorrow of loneliness have you ever did that? Hugged a tree? I have. I studied once that trees are living organisms that have a lot of comfort and love to give. If you sit next to a tree it would give you peace and clarity and if you listen closely enough. If you can actually quiet your mind enough. You can listen to its wisdom. It also said that by hugging a tree you can partake of all that love, all that feeling of hope. There are rocky roads in that planet as well; as easy never-ending highways. I guess my life has been like that, but the sun does come up every day no matter how stormy the day before was and that’s my proof, my validation that faith resides in my reality

I see God intervening in my life or where I feel the absence of the divine. Meditation and prayer, they are always amazing conversations like I've had with no one else in my life. I happen to have a great passion for spirituality, and have learnt that every thoughts; every wish, every desire and every act of ours is recorded in the imperishable film of the Akasha. There they remain and print out duplicates in the emotional and physical world life after life until satisfied or corrected. I believe one of my most passionate desire is to be united with my soulmate; the desire which until this life is not yet satisfied. The woman of my dreams is the one who is able to look through my being and rejoice of what she sees inside. The woman who believes that I am "her one and only rose of all the world" The woman who knows how to nurture and help me grows (and who trusts enough to let me help her grow.) The one woman with whom I can be working together toward achieving a certain Beauty and Perfection which we glimpsed in the aura of God himself. Would she be you? Well suffice to say I sure am looking forward to the day that I awake.... Would I find you there? Let's allow time answer this.

The soul within you will see you and and we will never be alone again. All sadness comes from feeling like you are alone and separated. You feel isolated. The more cut off we feel from the universal soul that reside in All the more sadness we experience. The ego of our mind wand to be special. The ego of our mind wants us to be separated. When you fell you are connected to the universal soul; you experience oneness with all thing. When I feel connect to you my soulmate, I feel connect to the universal soul. I go beyond the limits of my imagined separateness and I experience God. The only way I can have any love is to let go of the ego. Let go of the separateness. It is my ego that constantly want and never happy and never satisfied. When we are young we are so pure and innocent. We know what we want from life and what is the right way to go to achieve happiness. We follow our hearts and live in peace and harmony. We are also egoistic, I believe that egoism is an inevitable part of every human being. It is a part of survival instinct that we can certainly deny but cannot get rid of. However, that egoism is not dangerous cannot harm because it is a part of our self-love. With years passing by we lose that purity and certainty, we learn to give up our dreams. We give up being ourselves in order to attract others to fit in.

I see the grand beauty in people and feel and hear their souls crying to be heard to be loved. This is what happened when you live through the soul and not the ego. Everyone become an unfolding of God. Everyone is an extension of you. I pray that God bless my enemies and let them know that I am not their enemy. I am not one to revenge, I see it as a vicious fire, which continues to burn and do damage, the same as violence and endless cycle, which never stops until someone, stops it. I usually walk away, hurt and wounded by vicious attacks of others and sometimes retreat into my space, in the solace of God's compassion and understanding, sitting in the trunk of nature until I can cry no more. I am different and often find myself and my understanding of things different to others, I see the reality of this world and yet, know there is more and a more positive outlook, I have hope and faith I guess. My friends argue with me a lot as they think I am in another planet. I know what I know, (which is nothing). Sometimes it is just perception and everyone has a different one, not one is right or wrong, it just is. I feel that by combining all the different perceptions that the true reality will and could make its presence known to all, but most believe it is there way or no way. That is partly why I tend to observe things, I feel and see, and gather, then seek council with God and nature. That is also why I want to show you how I love, the innocence of what my tender heart wants to reveal, but everyone wants things their way or no way. Do you understand what I am saying? My Love may not reach the heights of the expectations of your mind, but its source is from God, the universal soul, and the eternal fuel of our being. When I was by the tree, looking at the sun, I heard wedding vows being spoken. I started to say them too. The one thing I wanted was to be able to hold and hug and receive a kiss from my other half. Guess those vow far outweighed the kiss. Now who is the weird one? I could not help but remember that distinctly. The pieces of this puzzle will come together, when all the pieces are present. I have this beautiful plaque

I do believe in past lives and recarination. I know I must have a king once, a beggar, a woman, a killer, and a soldier. I had many parts to play in this journey of life. Since I have lived so many lives and so many roles I can empathizes with even as a little child I have always felt my pain, and left the pain of other. Is it possible that a heart and soul could love beyond the bounds of the earth? To many, no it's an impossible, unattainable dream. For me a dream that has came true. Yes, I can love beyond the bounds of the earth and beyond the confinement of the stars and heaven. I can only do this if I live by the soul and not the ego. This love is an easy love, comfortable and an incredible merge and connection fusing two hearts into one. Making so much endless boundless love that when they look into one another's eyes they can see love and the unborn child that will soon lay in one of their arms. Being comforted by the fact that there is a man and woman, mother and father that love that precious life more than there own. That it was created merely from pure unbridled passion and love



Part 19


If you'll let yourself free, let your soul flow. Just like the wind, light & easy giving up your trust to the universe. The universe knows what is best for you. We must stop going against the tide of life. You will not look with your eyes only, but most with your heart . Not just on this physical life we live right now...(though yeah there's a great chance of unbelievable surprises). The soul that was meant to be with you not just for the rest of your life but as long as forever. Is that your soul meets and binds up two long lost pieces of a broken puzzle. A mystery of love that was meant to be from the beginning. A soul that will satisfy they only and no one else. In your eyes I see the color of the sky in your eyes I see love as endless as the sea in your eyes I know I'm bound to be with thee I believe I heard her calling' deep in me. Too close yet so far. Yet I feel her just as strong. How can we find each other if we look not with all of our hearts? And rely not only with our understandings. Setting standards in whatever lives we live right now, instead of freeing our souls, as high up to the sky. How can we even find each other if we put a criteria sheet right before our eyes? How can two long lost souls meet? When you don't let your heart flow just like the wind, unrestricted to whatever screening we do. I want flow just like the wind. -Maybe with a hello I’ll find you. Maybe with your eyes I'll know maybe with your smile. I'll feel the warmth of your heart. Maybe with your touch I'll feel that I belong. Maybe it's you I have waited for so long. Maybe when we meet. We’ll both be surprise. We’ll both say. I never knew you are as good looking' as I thought because this time we look not only with our eyes but we let our souls meet. Once upon a time, two people meet, and through their eyes they know. This was meant to be. Over shy glances, over uncertainty. Over exchanges of warm sweet smiles, over unrestricted deeper understandings, two lost souls finally becomes one. We are like magnets of broken puzzles, even if we thought it should have been this match instead .it will all come together as a whole just the same. Maybe not the way we wanted it to be, but the way it's meant to be. Isn’t this what soulmates is all about? Seeing not only what we warned to see, but sending that piece that would. Fill that hole up that would bring us back home again. To each other's arms. Our real fate, you'll be with me. I want an angel that would make you not think of your sexual satisfaction but she'll fill me enough that I'll open I will open my emotions just the same. When I hold your hand and looking in your eyes. I connect with your soul that even without words from my mouth you'll hear I’m saying I love you just the same. I am content, now, patient, want-for life to surprise me. Than making my own surprise, I trust my fate, I believe in what I feel. I know I will be fine, in this life alone. If this life is not for enough for her to find me, I believe life has it's own way of unfolding' lightly if we allow it too, gently it'll make us come to the things that are meant for us. Sweetly it'll touch our heart and just as we are our own mystique. Life surprise comes right before our eyes. We have probably wished for our soulmates in different gift-wrappings. That we might not see or appreciate it, but see, deep down in me I believe she would come just the way I have always imagined he, uncharacterized, undescribed, and yet she'll come as perfect as she will be for me, as I will be for her. She will be my perfect rose to me.

Sometimes you want something so much that its missing hurts you deep inside and you bear its burden only because you hope one day it will happen to you. When it happens, you first do not realize it and then you start question it: Is it trues, or it is just another delusion. It is like a sweet madness. I do not know if I will share love forever although this is what I was praying for. It was like believing that I can touch the sky: when you first look at the sky, it seems so close to the Earth that you can reach it; but then, your common sense tells you that it is just an illusion. However, my wisdom tells me that Earth is just another planet, up there in the sky. And when I admire the beautiful starry night, wishing to be there lost in the space. I realize that I actually am up there, on a star, near the stars and this is not a fantasy! Still, I am the living proof that love is not based on looks, brain or money. I am looking for essence, for true love. I feel my soul contain a small divine seed that makes me able to deeply love at least one person. I bring what she is, for her essence.

I wake up in the morning feeling so alone, not realizing that I am amongst everyone in this world that feels the same way one time or another. I feeling like my heart have been crushed into a million pieces only because of my heart being so fragile. I longing for the happiness of others, riding the times and feeling like there is a purpose in life.. I’ll remembering that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, researching all the mistakes I made in my life, gaining contentment realizing that they were all the experiences that made me grow into the young man I am today. Feeling absent from the world and struggling to really realize the potential that we all have to offer each other. I see so many beautiful things in my dreams at night. Last night I was smiling and laughing and flying high, as I haven't felt for a long time, finding my way into another's heart will happen. I will find the person of my dreams when I let it happen. Chemistry of living, loving, craving and desire in letting go of the fears and the misconceptions of all who you come in contact with, reaching out to lend a helping hand, and having it slip though your mind as your doing something to please another person but only finding yourself left on the wayside. My words are in my mind like a candle lit and flickering with long solid flows, content with life, but longing for so much more my soul search is never ending, but I will not allow my mind to fail to realize what is good for my life and me.

I like looking at how bright the moon is tonight or how picturesque the clouds were this morning. Things aren't as bad as they seem most of the time. So even when I'm at my lowest, I still give that smile to the old lady who sits next to me in the park. Its actually funny. I have a whole bunch of goals for myself, they're definitely not set in stone, but its almost like I owe it to myself to do certain things. And you think a person that’s satisfied by such little things, wouldn't really care much for anything else. And I guess its true, if I could live the rest of my life with nothing but those little fleeting moments, I would. I'd give up anything for that little laugh of a little kid or that song that touches you inside. I don't strive for material things. I strive for personal satisfaction. I want to do something I love, even if I didn't get paid a thing. I don't care if live the poorest life, if I could surround myself with all my memories, then I'd be happy. Some people just don't see that something aren't worth as much as they seem. I mean, what use is that Timex watch that shows the date on it? I’d proudly of a five-dollar watch I bought with my friend at a flea market. I cherish my memories. I guess I'm a sentimental freak, but sometimes at heart we all are I love living life, do it all while you can!



PART 20


THE ROAD TO YOU

Please be here, I need you to hear me. It's been so hard. With all my heart and soul I love you and my fears of loving you as I do brought me to an even greater fear.that you somehow turned away from me. Sweetheart I need you to let me open up to you so that you can understand. Only today, a short while ago did I break down the walls that I have kept guarding my heart but they needed to come down whether you are going to accept me or not. "If I had to spend my life without you, I'd be forced to spend my life without a part of me. You are so much of me that loving you is not a matter of choice. It's what I do. It's what I am." I love you so much.. Can you forgive me for having such fears? Today I had to face just this. I wasn't doing well and didn't know where to turn. Have I lost you completely, my one true soulmate? I thought what I would hear would be words very different then what spoke to me. Do you find this all crazy? Please don't give up on us. If you think me to be a fool then so be it but I need to share with you so please hear me, at least give me the chance. This is so hard trying to write all that went on, all that was said, all that came out, all that I felt and what I am feeling but I need to take this risk. If you were telling me to go away then forgive me for this letter and stop reading for there is no point in your continuing on but if you believe in us with all your heart and soul then please.

I never thought the day would come that I would actually be open to going until today when I felt like I couldn't breathe and the sadness was all too overwhelming, the loss so great that I felt totally helpless. There's so much that I would like to share with you but for now the most important thing I want to focus on is. How I crave to have you. My sweet love, since we aren't in each other's arms at the moment. You are with me always. Can you tell by how much I write? I spend endless hours just thinking about making love, wild sex, laughing, playing, sharing our days, our every thought. I come to write to you and it takes hours for I find myself just staring into the screen as you do bursting with emotions, just longing to touch you, to be with you, to know how you are feeling, to just feel the peace in knowing we are together. It hurts so much that I don't know how I would handle it and so I cry. It scares me to feel the intense connection I have to you but it's all so real and can't be denied. I don't know if you can understand what I am feeling, sometimes I don't even understand so how could I expect you to. It's so clear to me that all the before were to help us grow and appreciate all that we are being blessed to have together. All that you picture, all that you imagine our lives to be like together is the exact vision I hold onto every minute of every day. I feel out of control these days. I feel that without you life has no meaning. I'm an emotional wreck these days. Tears flow with so many mixed emotions. I can't wait to be with you, I need to know, will you love me as you feel you do? Will I be able to complete you in every way? I need to know that I am all that you will ever want because if I can't give you everything you need then I would have to let you go. I love you too much to give you anything less then everything that you have dreamed of. I know how I feel about you, the love inside of me for you is overwhelming me and I need to share my emotions both physically and mentally with you. Without giving details, as I know that they would think me insane, I have been silently preparing my family to get ready to share. I have always felt strongly to shelter them and until someone would come into my life that I know is the only one for me they need not know. They can sense that I am feeling this for someone now and I can see the concern in their eyes.

I am not an actor, I am not an easy man and I am not trying to seduce you. I simply have a pure desire of you, of your heart, your mind, your body, a desire of your essence. Do you think that I lie about myself and about my feelings? All that I can say is that I Well, my dear, most men would be blinded by a women's beauty, but I know that a rose has thorns, too. And it can hurt me. .It is normal for a rose to protect itself, and if I have to bleed before I get her beauty, so be it One must be ready to 'take a leap of faith'; that we should 'close our eyes and trust'. I am not looking for that blind kind of love. I do not want to keep my eyes closed and imagine the one I fall in love with is that special one. I want to keep my' eyes open. To see her and love her the way she is, not the way I would like her to be. I do not want to 'wake up' one day and to see that she is not the one. I believe in miracles and the miracle of love happens when it is shared.. If not, there are only tears. Would you be the special one looking for my I heart. Would you be the one who will not be afraid to lose herself in.me, to find herself ? Would you be the one who will enjoy me while I'll be enjoying you.? Would you be that rose that will not hurt me and that will let me touch it? Do not know yet why our roads crossed. May be that spirit of love sent me to you. A man to love you the way you are, a man with a heart, who is looking for the desire of your heart. Or maybe it is just a leap that I'll take from faith.(the burden of your absence my soulmate weighs on my body, it crushes my heart and makes my mind go mad). I am wondering what will happen: will you bring us together, to share love forever or, you will let me disappear, literally and figuratively, over the horizon saying to yourself that I was just dream, a sweet one, but still impossible? A relationship based on love is one in which each partner allows the other to be what he or she chooses, with no expectation and demands. That is truly unconditional love. It is a simple association of two people who love each other so much that each would never expect the other to be something that he or she wouldn't choose for themselves. It is a usually based on independence, rather than dependence. But this sort of relationship is so rare in our culture. Imagine a union with the one you love. In which each of you can be whatever you desire. Now consider the reality of most relationships. How does that grisly dependency sneak in and muck up the works? I am in a need of one special relationship someone can give me an essential feeling of security and comfort.



PART 21


In the last four or five months I have come to realize, acknowledge, and appreciate the value that physical symbols have to me. I have shed all those old notions of physical things being 'idolatrous' and learning to more greatly appreciate, wonder at, and meditate with religious art, iconography and mostly the things of nature. I have always loved bringing the outdoors inside and letting my insides enjoy the outdoors. Have you ever read, "THE CELESTINE PROPHESY? If not, I suggest that you do. It is all about signs, looking for them, reading them. Have you heard the song from Anastasia, "December" when I heard that song, I think it took me to a past life, I felt it so much, and I cried and cried. You see it but can not touch it. There are many other songs especially on Andrea Bocelli's CD's. I do not know Italian but I know the essence of the songs. I must have been Italian in a past life

If I had not been in several serious relationships and gotten that close to someone, I would have missed learning SO MUCH about myself, about love. About the woman I want to be in my ultimate relationship. I want to be with someone who supports me, and loves me and wants me to be everything that I can possibly be in this lifetime. Its limitless and unimaginable and I could never be with someone who doesn’t "see" that. Do you know what I mean? . Encouraging the person I am with to keep reaching, keep growing. I have been in relationships where the other person was not into this "growing" thing. They were fine just "being". I see life as all too finite. No one knows the hour or the day when it will all end, but I never focus on that. I always focus on "what's next"? Not that I am all self-absorbed. In a relationship, if both people love each other and growing, and lifting each other up, just think of how high you could get. I want someone to believe in that with all their heart, because when two people believe, there are just no boundaries. No limits. I hate limits. I hate dishonesty. I hate cheating and infidelity. I believe that these things are completely and utterly evil/immoral. I would rather be alone than with a woman who lied, that is one thing I will not stand for. I am ready to risk everything, my heart, my soul, and my security for my soulmate. But I will never again.... NEVER again risk it for the wrong woman. Loving the wrong woman feels like the death of my soul. I think the death of the soul is much worse and far more dangerous than the death of your body. I want you to know that the feet that I am standing on still feel new to me. I have such a desire to continue to use them and that is why I also refuse to be in a relationship with a woman who won’t encourage me to use them. I believe that if you love someone, you truly want him or her to be everything God created them to be. If you don’t, you are being selfish.

I do believe what I write, for how can someone write so passionately about their dreams and self and desires and knowing, with it being just fantasy. The feeling is what gives it away. As most shallow words can be felt as shallow, but deep soul communication leaves one feeling its essence and drawing questions and thought, validating its knowing and passage. I hope my communication reciprocate your secret thoughts of my twin.
I feel you are as real as the sun that shines and the stars that twinkle in the night sky. I know you will understand this analogy. You know what I think of fear to say Yes, you are the one maybe be, It is the fear of knowing such a profound gift can be found, if I am truly worthy of this special Gift. My true twin soul. Or is it just my shadow, playing trick on me. You see the divine law card was about a crow that kept pecking at its own shadow that the shadow came to life and ate it. My longing has manifested the call to my heart. I can not measure my love by another. I am just a simple person, who seems to hold a divine knowing which sometimes I do not quite understand. A language that I still must learn so to speak. I know I do have a Divine Love, the twin of my Soul of Light, for that is important. His love for God and the light, beauty and Love etc. You know those who come in darkness disguise themselves in the light. When one love's one must love and have compassion for the things that threaten them also, knowing that there is a divine protection to maintain surety of spirit.

I do dream many things, the hidden language of my soul, or the reality of my knowing. Sometimes I dream about what is going on in acquaintances lives, in friends lives etc. I know there is a purpose to this but sometimes it is like a guide. When one recognizes there is a need to change, I guess enlightenment; they can change or find a way to balance it. When a lesson hits us it can be an enlightening, embarrassing yet humbling experience. I guess when you look at what life will bring can bring worries and fears depending on ones outlook. But going through life one day at a time is less worrisome. I know for myself I wake up thank God for this day and all it holds, for all those I love seen and unseen, including my enemies, I pray good things for. Can there be discernment is unconditional Love. Maybe a part of that is not letting people hurt us deceitfully. To stand up for one's own truth. I am able to go deep within my self and draw out things that may still be inside with no one wanting to listen too. You know this is what I did when no one listened, wrote down how I feel, what I had to say became pen to paper and this way, it was to God's witness. Oh God I remember the many times I cried on the subway in New York, not understanding why someone who says they love you, would not even listen and say your feelings were not important so to speak. So I talked to God and told God how I felt. I did not become vindictive and or hurtful. I just spoke the truth to my view. It is sad when communication is only one way. It kills you inside and takes your esteem everything away. But in that you learn much too, how important one's feelings are, the many reactions one can have, the fears etc. You see I can see the things people go through.



PART 22


I have not yet given you all the love I am capable of giving, because I never passed this land before. Now I look further and there is so much more love inside me, and it is all for you. I want to only recognize the sound of your steps, your sense, your voice, and your look. I can feel how strong my love is for you, I can imagine being with you in a same room with so many people and my eyes would only gaze on you, thinking there is my beautiful lover. Your smile would brighten my world. Even when I think I could not love you any more there is still a stream of passion and love surfacing out of every pore on my body and heart. I would not want to fall sleep to miss a glance of your smile when you are sleeping, I want to wake up in the middle of the night to assure myself that you are safe and happy, for from now on this is what I live for. Please do not change for anyone or anything even for me, since you are perfect as you are. “ For if everyone in the world would give their treasure, I would not want for more that I have with you, now” it is ironic, last night I also saw the end of City of Angles again, there must be an angle by my side too, who led me to you, to my soulmate. Everybody must have heard my heart bits, palpating just for your love. You are embedded in my heart like a tattoo, I have no control anymore, your roots have been running in my body and heart, I can feel the warmth of your blood circulating in my veins, and nothing makes me happier than that. I want to be consumed by your love; I want to drink your love and dig deeper for more. You have made me selfish for the first time; your love is the only thing I would not share with anyone in this world. I want it all to myself. I want to go out and imagine you in every piece of clothes I see, I want to have the pleasure of buying you everything I see, and press my face in them to just imagining you in them. I feel like dry tree in the desert, trusty for your love. I am not going anywhere unless you ask me to. My heart would be broken to pieces and wind of time will swipe them away but pain will remain. So promise to love me forever, for as long as we are alive. My body craves for your touch. I imagining that would I not be able to control my lips from covering you with kisses, would I be able to control my hands from reaching for yours, Would I be able to say one word, would I be shaken like leaf. I am just scared. I know you understand me. I am scared of not being able to control my emotions, to start crying like crazy from happiness that finally I can reach and hold you tight in my arm, and never to let you go from fear of loosing you. You have so much power over me, I love you, and we both know this is not an ordinary love. This is the type of love that books are written about. And above all I have the honored of having your love. I am going to love you forever, feel so good, in my mind, you lying here next tonight. You are the answer to all my pray, I just want to hold you, rub my fingers between your hair. Pull you closer to me I am hang up on your love, deeper, deeper, I am fall in love I am fallen I want to kiss your lips, feel your body press against mine, I want to kiss your tears, swallow your passion. I want you to say it out loud that you love me. No two people have been luckier than we have been tonight. Let me take care your fears, let me rub your tired shoulders carrying this love. Help me, I am fallen deeper and deeper in love with you and I am not clinching to any rope to stop my self. I have letting it go, I am trusting on your love and letting you to tell me it is all right. Deep inside I am all fire and you have lightened it, with your love, tenderness, passion and more and more. I cry why can’t I wiser this in your ears, while I am creasing your body gently and continuously. I want to you feel the fire inside me from my burning hands sliding down your skin. I am going to give you as much as me as you can take and when you cry to stop, I will give you more, don’t you see I can not stop, my love to you has no end, how can I stop my feelings. I am never going to be apart from you because I live inside you. I want to see the world with your eyes, learn new things, try new things; how to make love to you the way you want it, and offer you my naked body to use as you wish. I trust you with it. Emotion is pouring out of my heart and mind. My heart is not mine anymore, I breath to survive just to the day that I can touch this dream soulmate, to feel your reality under my skin, to see the face of my love, to hear her voice. There is no such a thing as to much of anything is going to be good. Your love is the only thing I want to get too much of, too much of making love to you, too much of touching you. I want to cover every inch of your body by kisses and burn your skin with my hot lips, to show you how deep your love runs within my being. I can not eat any more, you love is feeding me. Oh my darling precious, what have you done to my heart. I have never been in love like this before. I have no fear to tell you I love you, I am not holding any feeling back. Why am I not embarrassed to be a fool in front of you? What kind of magic are you holding in the palm of your hand that is making me slave of your love? I am yours take my love if you want to. If you are the not real love, if you are just a dream, please just DO NOT WAKE ME UP.

I assure you that I am real, my Love. I am real and my Love for you is real. I know what is in my heart and what speaks from my soul. I feel so close to you. I don't ever expect anyone to understand, I somehow don't think that they could. It is a knowing, In the Prophet on Love. The Prophet on giving..."You give but a little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow? And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the over prudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city? And what is fear of need but need itself? Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst that is unquenchable? There are those who give little of the much which they have, and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome. And there are those who have little and give it all. These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty. There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward, through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth."

I know that God has spoken from behind our eyes, my love. Listen to the words you have been reading. Listen my love and know this is no average man. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by giving up all my worldly belongings packing everything else in a bandanna, tying it to a stick and thumbing a ride to wherever the wind takes me. It will take me to you, all the points on the map point to you, my love. Believe in me, my love and you will walk alone no longer fear any more and stand tall in our power. It is bigger than both of us, trust me on this too. My body is no longer my own. My soul has wings and is soaring but this time not alone. How many people do you know could tell you that they were with or were married to their soulmate? No one I know. How many people do you know that recite the same passage of the same book to each other without either knowing that it would be so? Some inner force I would not escape drove me, irresistibly. So much ecstasy all at once, my eyes were wet with tears, all my body and soul swamped in one great flood of emotion .Our union will be nothing short of what we have dreamed of in our minds.


PART 23


Each person on this planet has a soulmate, someone with whom things are clear, and someone to whom you only need to say half sentences someone with whom you just are, without trying to do anything. Together or apart you are forever with me. I feel your presence always but still want so much to actually touch your body. I want to hear the excitement and joy when we are making love. I need to taste you. I want you to feel loved now and forever, never to feel alone again. I think of all the places we will make love and cherish each and every moment being with you. I want to sleep with you at night and in the morning wake up to feel your body still next to mine and as we start our day know that we will be together as we are meant to be. I suppose it could be possible that you could just be in-love with the idea of finding me like this, and being in love with who you feel I am based on my journal. I feel that in order for me to know that it would take seeing you in person, feeling the touch of your hand (and the exhilarating rush that it would bring), looking deep into your eyes and seeing myself, and holding you in an embrace so powerful and wondrous in it's intensity that all I will be able to manage to say to you at that point is, "Welcome home." You are who I desire, mind body spirit and soul. I would never hurt you and would never leave you. I am trying not to separate my heart from myself but to rather prepare it. Can you understand have had so many disappointments and I fear another, not because I am thinking negatively. It is because things never really go my way and you know that feeling as well I am sure of that. This is why I am able to say I am ready to surrender my mind body spirit and soul. I could never say this to anyone. I am always afraid that it would be over before it ever began. What would I give to be where you are now. What I would give to stay here beside you. What would I give to see you smiling at me? Where would we walk? Where would we run? If we could play all day in the sun just you and me, where would be go? Wish I could be part of your world . I know how hard it is for you. You are a woman with true emotions who can speak her mind and though doesn’t want anyone to see can cry openly speak honestly and be true and real. This is why I desire you near me in side me holding me close. You are the type of woman that every man who is in touch with what they really want and desire could not pass up! The problem is that not every woman KNOWS what they want or is deceived by others into unhappy and unhealthy relationships. This is not what I desire for myself anymore I want to be happy. I want you with me. I refuse to give up my chance at happiness that is why I can give you my heart, but you already have it. You just need the shell that surrounds it. I am here waiting, wishing and hoping I can fill your life with all the happiness, love, sex, kids, dogs, cats, fish anything your heart desires

I dreamt of you always. You were a being without a face and I could simply sense your aura. You stood there watching me. I was reaching out to touch you and there the dream ended. I tried to analyze what the dream was about, if it should mean something. Some part of me wanted to believe that it was nature's way of telling me what to expect, my sensible part told me to get real; after all I'd been thinking about you these past few days that the thoughts might have expressed themselves in a form of a dream. This dream of this faceless women, it started when I was in high school, that I have this woman as my lover, all I could remember on this dream was this woman saying, "I'll always wait for you". That dream really bothered me but then I'll try to forget it. Then it happened again after college when I'm still going out with my first real girlfriend. The same situation and "the same woman, but I really can't remember the face. Think it happened again when I'm already my twenties but I didn't mind it so much for I thought I can't have a girlfriend at that time when I keep thinking about it and wait for that faceless woman. But as times goes by, I'll try to erase these thoughts on my mind, for in reality they said that there's no one. Despite all this love I've shared with my previous girlfriend, deep inside my heart says that there not die right woman for me or that woman in my dream. And all these turn out right though. My first girlfriend and I was together for three years and it such a blow in my life when we broke up. I thought, my life been shattered and no more dreams to build anymore, I’m honest to admit that I realty got hurt so much that I want to die at that time. But then life must go on and somewhere in my senses keep saying that she's not the one I'm waiting for and someday this someone will come along. After her I have some short relationships with other women but I don't actually love them



CHAPTER 6: SHARING THINGS WITH YOU

Sometimes I am going about my day and I am thinking of things I would like to share with you, songs I have heard, books I have read, movies I have seen, places I have visited. I could tell you of a hundred places that I love to go to that have all kept a piece of me with them that have been there to shelter me from the world when I needed a place to hide. I could tell you of a songs that have touched an inner me, a more meaningful me that have made my skin crawl and my tears flow. Have you ever felt the pain that some songs can make you feel? It’s actual pain the heart. I guess that’s why they call it heartache. Some of the movies I talk about? I could tell you of movies that have made me feel that life is worth living, that when I came out of the movie theater I was actually a fuller person that when I walked in movies that have made me sigh. An example would be the movie--CONTACT. Because it deals with faith, blind faith. When the character that Jodie Foster portrays is in court she is faced with the reality that she went through an experience, she being the doubtful one that she cannot prove that her rational mind will not and cannot compute and for which she has no tangible proof, but which she feels in her heart and in every part of her being to be true. That is my life, I have had moments of clarity where I just know something to be true without any reason or explanation even if it sounds cooky or nuts, but it is true in my heart. Chemistry is an internal recognizing of somebody that has been part of our reality before somewhere somehow be it past lives or maybe even in between lives that produce a certain reaction to that person, be it good or bad. Your rational mind cannot understand why you get this certain feeling every time you see a person. But that’s just the way it is. I read once that people are like radio frequencies that sometimes we reject or attract certain people to our lives because our frequencies are very similar but not the same since we are all UNIQUE and perfect for our own individual path back to the GOD SOURCE. There is one energy in the universe, but manifest in different form. I sometimes think that that is the reason why I have attracted you into my life because our frequencies are very similar.




PART 24


As I sit here I wonder about my life, those moments where I have felt a LOVE so immense and yet I have felt so alone. I want to believe that I am destined to experience that connection with my soulmate in this lifetime or at least a very strong connection enough to hold me until the end of times when my other half and me will embrace. I want to believe that all my prayers have been answered. I gaze at the stars at night and look for answers and sometimes even for questions. I look for that magic of the moment that goes unnoticed .I daydream I have this internal world that is sometimes very difficult to cope with or to be able to blend it into the routine of every day living. Sometimes it makes me moody. I just would like somebody to share it worth, somebody that would just understand it and would not consider me a wacky. I think that that is why I usually keep to myself a lot. I prefer the magic of my inner world than the falseness emptiness of some people's realities.Don't you know that I already recognize you my love, and whatever the outer appearance, it would only increase my love for you who I am so much in love with, I long to see your eyes, your smile, how I long to see me in you. You will never have to feel lonely again, not in this lifetime, I don't care how it was we met, if it brought us together. I am a plain and simple guy who has searched and lost, but always known you would happen. Now I will wait for us to be together, because when we are it will be everything we ever dreamed of, so smile today, and tonight and know, I'm not letting you go, now, then, or ever. I love you. You complete me. I believe. I am ready. I stay focused on you. I want to give you all of me. I have no where to go except to you, if by chance, our destination is not each other(which it couldn't possibly be) then the journey has showed each of us, how we are passionate in our path, and we can trust whatever the destination, we are pure in heart and deserve to have our dreams come true.

Someone once told me, "where you are in your life right now is exactly where you need to be and should be." I've come to believe some truth to that. I believe that when the time is right, that person will come. During the period of waiting, I think, is a time which is specifically allowed for us to become more acquainted with who we [ourselves] are. I feel as though there is a purpose for all of the "wrong mates" who come into our lives. Perhaps it is through the "wrong ones" that we will know the "right one." First, we must learn who we, ourselves, are. There is no use in holding on to something that doesn't fulfill us or anyone else for that matter. If we do not let go of the "wrong one" then how will the "right one" ever get in?

I feel this despair; it was terrible, really, truly awful. I couldn't do anything, I forced myself, to eat sometimes, to exercise, to talk to my parents, not to cry, not to have the panic attack, to go for a little walk, to see what is going on around me. I've lost my interest to everything. That's horrible. But then I suddenly realized that no matter what happens, I would love you, no matter what, why, and how. Just to love you and not to think what can happen. I even began thinking that such thing as my marriage with another person can happen, but still I will love only you with that special love of mine. The love you can "meet" only once, not paying attention to the external things. I was thinking that maybe it's normal for my present life not to be with a person I love, but to be with a person I like? Maybe that was a wish of God? I understood that I was wrong, thinking that this love will pass me by, because it's not possible, not ever possible, cause we are God's children, he wants only the best for us, therefore, he is going to help two of us becoming ONE. It's a certain truth that you should stick to only one thing you consider right and not to hesitate, not to think twice, weighting all the "pros" and "cons", just to be sure in only one thing. The reason for this is our birth; the birth is God's gift, showing his Love to us. Then, if we are the product of love, then we should live with love, breath with love, struggle with love, everything we do should be done with love. Only this way can we survive and be happy. Isn't this wonderful? I want you to know that I love you, loved you and will love you, no matter what you do. If you hurt me, that doesn't mean that I will love you less, but this means that my love cries a little, if you make me happy doesn't mean that I will love you more, but it means that my love smiles and laughs. But my love to you is the same; it stays strong from the beginning till the end. My respect to you can grow, my bond with you can become tighter, my admiration of you can become higher, but love is love, if it exists, it can't be changed or can't disappear. No, not THIS LOVES! Do you understand me? I know that you think in a different way. You think that a love can disappear the same way it came to you. But I don't believe this. I think that respect, trust, admiration can "disappear" (not totally, but partly), but love can not. I want to connect with you, spiritually and physically, as soon as possible because I don't see any problems that may postpone this magic. I want to be yours till the end of my life, you- to be mine, us to be ours. I'm not afraid of anything, even if I have to struggle; I want to do it with you, because only being with you I will know that it worth this struggle. To smile with you, to laugh with you, to caress, hug, kiss only you. To take care of you, to look only at you, to make only you happy), to have children only from you, to live my life fully with you. And then, when we'll be old, I'm going to tell my children to look for love and not to waste their time on the silly dates, to look at us and understand what the TRUE LOVE IS!

In my quest to know myself and to know my heart, I keep reaching, digging for answers which seem to appear in ways that are not able to explain in my heart, I feel yours and in my soul you are my twin. I do know my heart and soul so well that I have almost given up on reason. Because reason will keep me "safe" and inside my earthly being. "Manifesting Your Destiny" by Wayne Dyer is a favorite of mine. A book I must refer back to often as the world around me hypnotizes me into thinking only within the box Wayne Dyer teaches, each of us is capable of manifesting our destiny. The hard part is to know what to ask. What to manifest. I have been asking for love quite similar to yours: And so I ask, is this the chance? Is this the opportunity that could change one's life Will you take the risk? ". I have had the unique opportunity to meet Dr. Wayne Dwyer. He, as well, has taught me of these higher matters. Where I once thought I was so unique and different, I now know that I am a highly evolved soul, seeking one of my own. As a highly evolved soul, I know that it is important first and foremost to manifest peace into my life. I know that peace is where I meet my soul in this sanctuary of the spirit world. I feel that we have created this garden together. You and I have held hands to manifest our peace in love. I suppose that it is up to God whether he will choose us to meet before this event. In my life, I have found one of two things. I have found physical attraction and I have found a soulful connection...mutually exclusive of each other. When you look inside your self do you feel alone? With no one to understand? I know that I am not an easy man and I know that my ways are not easy, but I cannot settle for a relationship that does not grow into a beautiful Rose...and flower for eternity. Marriage means everything in the world to me. I was always raised to believe that when two people joined together in marriage this was "it". There was nothing higher and you stayed together, period. The older I get; I don't know how I feel, independent maybe with fear of this commitment. I always thought when I met my wife I would just "know" there would be no "what-ifs" and it would just "be." I still know this in my heart that when I meet her my heart, my soul and my body would say "yes, yes!" Disappointedly, I have yet to meet this person. I have had my heart say "yes!" and my body say "no" or my body says "yes!" and my heart say, "NO!" What a confusing and frustrating prospect. Leaving me to feel alone and lonely. I know now that my body is just something I live in on this earthly plane as my true home is not of this earth. I know that this body is my vehicle and will take me where I need to go




PART 25


Do you remember the part of when HARRY MET SALLY. When he goes chasing after her he's finally realized he loves her and can't wait to tell her. He knows he wants to spend his life with her and wants that life to begin as soon as possible. I feel like that right now. Are you strong enough to love me fully to give me your heart, your trust to let me go only to know I will be coming back each and every time to know that even if I require time to myself, or time with my family, I will be back to you as fast as I can travel. To know when the time apart has ended that our time again together is approaching. To become aroused at the thought of seeing me and excited with the overwhelming lust that fills our insides. To know the minute we see each other, the moment our eyes make contact our bodies will unite with a hug that means I missed you. A hug that means you feels great. A hug that stimulates the senses. For together we will welcome the time together to be in that moment. I wanted to hear you say your name. To learn of the moment you were born into this existence. To chart the skies and read the heavens. I would want to study the moon and the planets with you to intersect our lives and our paths. I want to understand more of who you are and why your energy is present in my life at this time. So many people think they want love, are searching for it, but it is really the "being in love" that they respond to, not the person, not the circumstances life has given.


Yesterday I just said, “Please God take me away. I am not as strong as you thought I was. I surrendered myself to the pain and collapsed. I am going crazy.” Its as if something so precious, so warm, so tender and yet so human full of potential was taken away from me. A part of my inner strength was ripped from me, but why? What for? Have you ever heard about the "piercing of the veil of illusion"? It’s the point where we begin to recognize that our physical world is not the ultimate reality and we turn inward to discover the spiritual aspect of our existence. At these times we usually feel we are hitting bottom but as we actually hit bottom its as if we are falling through a trap door into a new place, the inner realm of the soul, where we can begin to explore our connection to life in a whole new way. When we can face our fears and move through such a "dark night oft the soul" we are greeted by the profound new adventure. Our spirits have already met somewhere within this universe. I wish I were not so trapped in my lives. I get consumed by that sometimes. There is so much about I want to know and then it invokes the whole cerebral process and the "what ifs" . I think about what It would be like to be with you and then I realize I don't even know what you look like or your last name and yet I tell you everything. I feel very safe with you for some unknown divine reason. I think it is my own fear that causes all of my cerebral futuristic thinking. Historically, I have always had a hard time just "letting things happen" I am very impatient and dream often. Like the little movies in my mind that. I have them running all the time. I cannot sleep often because of them. I even hear your voice very clearly speaking to me. You mean so much to me my soulmate. Whoever I am to you or you to me, I think it would be a cool experience to have the opportunity and I will have to miss out on it. I do know that my truest gifts lie in my writing and caring personality and yet sometimes I even question those in terms of my personality, people are always hurting me and my writing is often brutally honest .

The past is important to a soul's growth. The past is a factor to us all. It can't be eliminated completely from our minds and souls. We do tend to protect ourselves because of pain we have suffered. Some of us having suffered different degrees of pain, maybe running deeper into our souls, thus making it more difficult to be rid of it. Should we disregard those people that have been hurt because they are holding the past too closely or should we try to help those people overcome, and to believe that not everyone has the same set of values and priorities. Thus allowing them to let go of the past, even if it takes a little longer to do so, because of how deeply the hurt lies within their soul? What if I did feel that everything I ever wanted was right in front of me, but I feared so deeply that I wasn't going to be allowed to have it to have you? Wouldn't it be understandable that a panic would set in, a panic of losing someone very special? Yes, it would be a very sad thing to lose a special someone because the past came back to haunt. What if everything you yourself ever wanted was right in front of you, but you didn't feel that it was worth one final attempt at convincing me that you are a sincere, understanding person? Wouldn't that be sad? Sad that one more word may have been all that was necessary to be with your special someone? I have written my own love story; that sense of the other's existence, knowing someday I would find that woman who was meant to be one with me, my best friend and lover. I feel strongly enough about her to give up some of the safe, known pieces of my life and take a chance on that feeling to seek the romantic ending.

I am still looking for someone who stands behind what they say for, (hard to make it to even a third date anymore/ things have changed so much since my first time around dating/ everyone is so false). The thing is, though, it is not a week, it is a lifetime and trying to find that today and in New York, where people are so full of themselves and me first-or for better or forget it. (There is no such thing as self-sacrifice for the other person anymore, for the cause- *relationship, marriage, for love, for children-that is why so many people get lost) that whole concept has gotten lost. Love has turned upside down. It is supposed to be that making other person happy makes you happy and that is the end in and of itself. Now it is how can you make me happy period and if you don't (even for a day or a week-hey, this is life, things happen then IM gone-next) So you see, life goes in circles and moves on and we go round and round. I think I am a very real brave young man. "I want to see your heart,”" says it all. The reason people act like they do (the ones that disappoint you) is because they are full of fear and hurt and pain. /insecurity. They are unable to show their heart/so they cover it in so many different guises. Remember that the next time someone hurts you or says something hurtful---It is their hurt they are trying to conceal.

I know most people want to find love, the loneliness is everywhere in this city. You can see it in the eyes of people in bars or at Starbucks or what about all the personal ads on every websites and in every magazine and all the chat rooms, but when I talk to people all I get is the same old recycled lines and the same old recycled questions. I'm tired of anxiously expecting someone to come out with an original thing to say, someone who isn't only interested in what I look like, where I live, what countries I have traveled to, and what I do for a living. I want to make a real connection, I want to have that feeling that I haven't had in so long, I want to be in love so badly that I can taste it. I want to experience lasting bliss with that one woman. I am grateful for what I do have and I have moments of pure joy everyday. Whether it's watching a beautiful sunset or actually listening to birds sing or the seeing the smile of a baby, I feel like a kid in a candy store when I pause my life for a fleeting moment to actually grasp these little wonders



PART 26


I wanted to be everything you hoped for, and more, because I felt already that you were everything I had hoped for and more. I am only asking you to show concern for a VERY tired and VERY weary soul is a super- sensitive, trusting individual. I could always tell when I was in a slump or upset about something because the journal would appear and get fuller by the day. I think it's easy to get a feeling of life when I write. All of these emotions I bottle up inside pour out and, somehow, writing them down gives it life. Writing anything releases emotions and once they are out, you can't take them back. They become real, maybe for the first time. All of the emotions of that reality pulsate and breathe life. I sat up and thought about the one and the rush of feelings that came with seeing someone you thought was your other half. Catching a glimpse out of the corner of your eye of a person who sends a tingle through your body. Once or twice I thought I had found the one. All too soon and maybe not soon enough, I realized I was wrong. I stopped believing after the last time. My soulmate accidentally bumping into me in passing and suddenly we both realize "this is it". We evolve too much as people with every decision and therefore change so much - daily, that the One-day is no one the next. This is all pessimism. Looking too long and finding nothing. It is hard to not feel alienated when around every corner there is the potential to find new love and around every corner, you find yourself alone. Alienated from the people holding hands and kissing on the street. Alienated from the couples that gaze into each other’s eyes and find contentment. Alienated even further from the one thing that your mind, body, and soul want. Love. Now I feel differently. I feel that there are many fits, not just one. Maybe in the beginning souls didn't split ... they scattered? Maybe there is a little bit in a few people and not just one, yet in a world on millions, they are still as hard to find. Either way you weave through life hoping to find a fit. Hoping each decision that you make will bring you one step closer to the biggest payoff life has to offer... Love.

Isn't amazing how one decision has the possibility of changing your whole life? All of the little decisions that you make have the possibility of changing your entire life. They also have the ability to change who you are. I think that the little things, as much so as the big things, have life altering effects. All those people that are, "in the right place at the right time”. Every wonder what their lives would have been like if the weren't? One decision changing your life. Imagine the possibilities. One of my favorite movies is SLIDING DOORS. . It made me think good concept; a moment can make a life difference. It’s scary but I think that's what makes life interesting in a way. You make your choices but at the same time "those choices" come and find YOU at one point in your life. I guess that is what "fate" is all about are surrounded by "what ifs", yet every choice we make is, in fact, one of the "what ifs" of another choice we could have made (am I making any sense here? you have to excuse me, at home, listening to great music by "Francis Lai” and having red wine) Life is so simple yet so complex. OK now, think of this (smile), we live upon "coincidences” pieces random coincidences build up and create a life chain well, including our birth I suppose. I once took the train down to DC, and as the train would fly past the houses, and businesses, and through the lives of all those people, I would think, what is going on in this town, are people happy, what's for dinner in that house? I used to think that it was so random, that if the train stopped, here is a whole world going on, and the train would be an intrusion, but it would also be a distraction, and who knows if the person I'm destined to marry lives here? And what if I just keep flying by, and we never even knew that a chance for ultimate happiness just passed us by? I used to get so sad, then, sure that I had missed my chance. But then another town would appear around the bend, and the whole imagination would start spinning its wheels again. It totally exemplifies the "what if" quotient in a persons life. How your whole life can change drastically with a second of missed or taken opportunities. One sidestep can change everything. In the end, though, everything is as it is meant to be. Like destiny had intervened either way, just at different times. So I have to believe that everything will work out in time. In a way I guess there is a hand of fate at work, a predestined possibility and for that I will give way to my loneliness now in hopes that life will be good to me in its own time. I hope that you believe that fate will allow you to be the one who is in the right place at the right time.

Do you know what I miss the most about being in a relationship? I have to tell you. I miss the little things. All the little things that being with someone holds. I miss Sunday mornings and some of the afternoon too. The paper strewn about, watching television in pajama pants and eating breakfast in bed with someone who doesn't think that being there - alone with each other, doing nothing of sorts is unproductive - or even worse, a waste to time. I miss walking down the street and reaching for someone's hand and finding there is one reaching out for yours. I miss all of the little things. I guess they are really the big things to me "Is she really the person that I hope for her to be?" The one person that will take this all in considers it thoughtfully and not be afraid to leap into the unknown. The one woman that will want to know more of who I am. I am someone who believes in other people even though I may get hurt I always give people more than enough room to prove themselves to me. I understand that misunderstandings occur and that we don't always know what makes a person who they are by looking at only what we see that we have to look deeper at someone's inner self to understand what makes them who they really are. I am the kind of person that does love with his entire self. I have said that before, and I will say it again because I mean it. Any relationship that I have ever been in has been my priority. I have ALWAYS put the other person first, not because I thought that she was worth more than I was, because it fulfilled me to be giving, because it is my nature. It is also said that if you do that, it comes back to you twofold. I always hoped for that, but it never came. Despite that, it didn't stop me from giving OR forgiving. That is my nature that is who I am for better or worse, giving and forgiving. I am not a saint, not perfect by any means that is not what I am getting at here. I just want you to know that I am giving and forgiving and that is who I WANT to be. I want to believe in destiny and I will always keep my faith that people are basically good. What many would say to be soul searching.



PART 27


Love I have determined is something we all need to feel strongly about in ourselves first. It is than that all the beauty inside can be shared genuinely with our true soulmate. I have always been a person who ponders. And ironically enough I have spent many hours and days in bookstores, libraries, down at the beach or at the park. I seek refuge in these places and for me this time always brings me peace and comfort. One particular thing I like to do is channel my energies in being creative. I have dated and I found such disappointment in the results but I always believed strongly no matter what it would someday be worth all the disappointment. No matter what obstacles have been dumped on my lap I have learned to persevere. My saying is God helps those who help themselves. I remained true in my relationships and did not allow myself to get pulled into the negativity. Maybe it sounds crazy but I realize my mate needs to grow also and needs to experience her own growth in life. It is than when we have both grown that we will be open to accept the other into our hearts. I have no doubt my soulmate is here on this earth and like you have said. Time will tell. Are you my princess? I figure I could afford to be a little corny. Although it is not our outer shell that determines who we are I do believe attraction plays a significant part in a relationship. I am a very passionate man some say too much. This passion is what drives me. I am intrigued at the prospect of finding my one true love that with just one look from her eyes I am presented with infinite euphoria! Not just sexually but in all mind body and soul. I truly believe the souls must be bonded in some form of attraction. People always ask me, ?Alex, why aren't you married?. And I say, "because I haven't met my soulmate." It scares me with great wonder if we were ever in the same bookstores at the same time. I have to say though I never pay attention to what goes on around me because I'm too busy reading. Interesting thought though. Taking that left turn by accident, reading the personals and zoning in on one, walking instead of that daily run can create ripples that change the rhythm of one's life in an instant sliding doors that close too soon or that open too late. Which instance is real? Which is only a dream, which follows the road of our destiny, which changes our life forever?

I would love to sit in Starbucks with you and share a cup of tea and talk for hours on end, about me, about you, everything we hope want dream need. You would love to walk in and find me behind my laptop with my up of tea would you look up and smile warmly at me as I stood there a watched you? Would you see in me the man you've seen in your dreams for so many years? Would my warm smile and soft brown eyes be enough for you to recognize it was I? If I held out my hand would you take it, stand up and let me hug you right there? Or would it all be so unbelievable and overwhelming that you wouldn't do anything? Or if we happened to cross paths somewhere other that Starbucks, would you know it was me? Or because of all the disappointment of waiting this long for me to find you - would you miss me completely? I was happy being alone for a very long time, knowing that I wouldn't be alone forever. I couldn't be. Click, there you were, what a heart warming smile you have, and your heart and soul in words right for me to read. This journal is for you my soulmate for you to find me. Just like that movie "BEFORE SUNSET", where Jessie wrote a book about their one night with a women he met on a train, hoping that Celine would find him and she did.

I am still crying over the movie SOMEWHERE IN TIME. The movie spoke to me in so many ways. I have always waited and wondered when my soulmate would cross my path. Love is something that I thought everyone could appreciate but what I am finding out is that very few people really know what it is to long for a soul mate. It is hard enough finding someone with like interests that wants true commitment.. In the movie they both knew of the existence of one another and the love that they shared was strong enough to transcend lifetimes and was forever. Do these thoughts even exist in modern day? Today if a man looks at a woman or holds the door for her or touches her for more than a second she is being sexually harassed. In the medieval period there was a code of chivalry. The women were idolized and sought after by the knights of the court. The knight was encumbered by the love that he had for the woman and he would go to great lengths to gain her attention. I wonder often what our world is coming to why people seem to become more and more unfriendly and do not seem to appreciate the beauty of people that care and know how to love. Didn't their mothers teach then anything? . People don't ever talk to strangers and really trust no one. They are out for themselves or need recognition by stepping on others to keep them feeling like they are worthy human beings. What I really want to do with my life is to make a difference in some large or small way I want to help people see that often when you are kind then kindness will come back to you. Love begets Love and therefore we have to share it. I wish I could reach out and pick the whole world up and help them to understand there is so much more than success and money it is the death of a salesman. I think we are missing the point entirely. We are here on this earth to love each other and if we cannot do that what is the point anyway.

There was another movie, AN AMERICAN TALE, it was about this mouse that gets separated from his loved ones and how he one night sings this song. Linda Rondstand sang it "Somewhere Out There", when I saw this movie I completely understood what that little cartoon mouse was feeling, how sad he was and I cried so much. I still get chills when I hear that song. Would you listen to me while I read you paragraph of books that to this day make me stop and weep? Would you? Would you make love to me passionately? Desperately? With that animal hunger that true love makes us feel? That wanting to completely becomes the other person to merge to the point of loosing one's identity. Would you? Would you love my family as if they were your own? Would you love me even if at times I drove you nuts? Would you? Would you always come back to me even after a fight? Would you want me as bad as I want you? John M. Goddard once wrote: "If you really know what you want out of life, it's amazing how opportunities will come to enable you to carry them out." It has been a very long process, but I know what I want and what I need in my life. It is as if you and I have been using the same mirror for many years. You and I were just on separate sides. You are viewing my life, my mannerisms. My mistakes. My achievements. You have known me, as I have known you.




PART 28

Some time so long ago I bore the seeds of our creation, and they have grown into beautiful human beings. Centuries, years, decades later fate would once again feel the need to reunite a love that was truly meant to be. That love between us. Two lost souls, desiring completion and unity. Two hearts desperate to become one again. Two minds thirsting to share secrets, knowledge, and future plans. I have watched you from a distance- wanting to say so much to you. Always wanting to approach you, but when that moment came, when the opportunity presented itself, it was as if something was lodged in my throat and I could not speak. Admiring you always for your generous and kind spirit. Knowing your intelligence and brilliance that you would hide under the humor. Wanting to be closer to you. A crush that turned to severe attraction, which turned to love, which has blossomed into this extreme desire to love you. To feel you. For you to hold me. Fate has decided that we should share life once again, as we did before. Fate wants you to pull the invisible cord into you and never let go. I couldn't imagine the rest of my life with out you. Never feeling your touch. Never feeling you. Entirely. May the stars shine down upon us and grant what was written so long ago- our love, our life, our future- together.We are meant to share all that we believe in and feel blessed that we have been given the most precious gift in life. Loving you comes so natural. I know your heart and soul so well; it's as though I were speaking of myself. I know that you capable of taking care of yourself but what you need to know is that what gives me the greatest pleasure in life is making you happy. When you smile I smile with you, when you hurt, I also hurt. With all that I am, I know who you are and love all of you. I'm not one to play games and the last thing I would ever do is play with someone's heart and soul, especially the woman I feel I was put on earth to love in every way. Do you feel the pain that I am in right now? The universe has finally given us the chance to have it all. Create heaven on earth for the rest of time and for me there are no words to describe the gratitude. At night I stare at the dark trees silhouetted against the quiet stars I am entranced into the complete peacefulness and my last thoughts are of you" I love you

Have you ever read "THE SYMPOSIUM" it discusses that we were once one being, but our happiness roused the anger of the Gods, because in our love we were too absorbed to worship them, so they tore us apart leaving our bellybutton as the scar, and a void of a missing half that was inexplicable in our hearts. Its the worst feeling in the world to wander through life enjoying, living, experiencing everything, and always feeling that something is missing. Some thing that you have never had, but that you have no doubts is there, maybe from a dream in a past life. That is what its like, like remembering a dream of a dream. I have the dreams the faceless someone talking, touching, reassuring you; sometimes they are like torture reminding you that the one you might be dating is so lacking. Many people go through life in a head long rush towards some financial or career goal and they never take the moment to ask themselves if its what they actually want. What if all the time people spend putting in their dues, working hard sacrificing family, and putting off life in exchange for the "prize" of the good life, is a lie. How many people when its all over have got nothing but tired, and distant, by working through life, living for a two week vacation that the family resents them for. I have sworn I will never settle for that. Life is to be lived not saved up in a bank account for retirement.

I think the reason that Love eludes most people, is that we expect it to land in our lap. In his book "WHY CAN?T I FALL IN LOVE? Rabbi Boteach explains that we should commit first and love will follow. I really had to think about this and yet it makes perfect sense. If we are constantly looking over our shoulder for something better to come along love will never have a chance to expand. Yet, if we choose a compatible mate, commit to the relationship co-jointly, grow together and explore life and each other we can built the sense of wonder of Love about each other and about the world. Soul mate relationships are created they do not necessarily pre-exist, a soul mate relationship is borne of any relationship that challenges the soul to grow and expand in the essence of innocence. I think that we have lost a sense of innocence in our lives, innocence is what will allow us to feel Love in our hearts and not to be jaded by our past experiences, only to use them as incidence of growth. I share the Rabbi's opinion in that in effort to love we have to revisit the Garden of Eden. We have to reclaim our innocence and our sense of wonder about the world that has escaped in the times of superficiality and innocence lost to poor choices and negative experience. In essence, we have to forget everything we know. When Adam was in the garden alone, he was lonely. God therefore created Eve from his rib to give him a companion and so that he would have a playmate to live his life with. Adam did not consider her breast size, nor did Eve consider the size of Adam's wallet. There only quest was to discover each other and live with a sense of wonder about the world in the natural union of woman and man. The snake came along, however tempting Eve with the fruit of The tree of Knowledge?Adam followed along, as he was not going to allow Eve to Be alone with her experience. Once bitten, they saw themselves as human for the very first time, and were aware of their nakedness and their highest truth. They became very human and recognized that they had flaws. There are lessons in this story that may be gleaned for any spiritual partnership. There are always temptations and the snakes are always morphing themselves into human form. In a true spiritual partnership there has to be a sense of nakedness and honesty. The more open and honest we are about our positive contributions to the world as well and being honest about our flaws leaves us naked to our partner. Through this nakedness though we are creating a bond that is built on trust. Honesty of our flaws then, would only endear us to our soul mate, as we strip away the superficial layers one by one to reveal our authentic self to the person we have committed to spending time with. With this in mind then, it is important to practice our nakedness all the time, I am not saying that we need to strip ourselves bare And emotionally naked to complete strangers, but we should walk into more situations prepared to be honest about what is happening with us. As I have said, when God created Eve from Adam's rib, he did so (regardless of many feminist critics) to give him a companion. In turn Adam was grateful to have a warm body to hug, a hand to hold, someone to explore with and someone to Love. Adam did not list Eve's qualities that were less than stellar, he merely embraced them as part of her and she did the same. God does abhor voids in life. When he sees a void he will fill it to the level of its capacity. We cannot therefore expect a perfect someone to come along and we can tick off his qualities from a list. God will give us our soul mate if we choose to trust, believe and commit. This means we have to take chances and this means we have to get emotionally naked and ask ourselves "how does he make my heart feel?" and then know Love will expand from commitment. This is not my original way of thinking. I used to think Love would fall into my lap and I would not need to do any of the legwork. Love does ask us to kiss many toads before one turns into the prince or princess, but through a newfound sense of innocence and wonder for the world.




PART 29




You have my soul as well as the passion that lives within me. You are in my every thought, every dream, and every fantasy. I can't wait to hold you and never let go. I continue to dream about making love to you under the stars, having you look into my eyes, and feeling your heart beat with mine. You make me feel like I am falling in love for the first time. Thoughts of you are with me constantly as I can't wait to hear from you everyday. I feel that we are so attuned to each other that we will not have to say one word for us to know that we are meant to be together. You are in my thoughts and everytime I think of you, I get this strong desire to be with you in your arms being held, kissed and caressed by you. It makes me ache so much that it hurts. I want to make you happy as you make me feel happy right now. I am unique and you won't ever find someone like me. I am one of a kind. Cannot be duplicated. You will never in your entire life meet someone like me. I read NOTEBOOK by Nicholas Sparks It is a true story of two persons longing for each other and the connect of their souls (how appropriate). They met, fell in love and were separated by life's circumstances and in the end were reunited but, the best part was how much they loved each other. How strong their love was for each other to bring them together and keep them together through all of life's good and bad times. And yet, at the end even though she was old and sick he still loved her as the day that they met, he still thought that she was beautiful and (I'm crying now) felt so fortunate that they were able to spend 50 some years married to each other. (It is sad that this very rarely exists). The woman was engaged to another man when she was reunited with her soul mate. The other man had money and a prestigious position in life but, he didn't make her heart dance. She knew where she belonged and went with what her heart told her. They were in love forever. Would most people do this though, give up the money and the prestige and take the "leap of faith" to be with the one they loved? God, am I just a pathetic, hopeless romantic or what? I want this and I will follow my heart wherever it leads me to have it. It is very simple really, being true to yourself. Like Shakespare once wrote, "To thine own self be true.'" I mean, if you dig really deep the answers are there and every time I have listened to them, they have never led me astray. The picture is not always clear at that point in time but, eventually it comes into focus and I know why things happened the way they did. My parents have been married for 30 something years. I know they don't have that deep passion for each other as I would like but, my mother is a selfless soul and has been subservient and committed. I never felt like I even fit my skin until 30 and now that I know myself it is easier to project the "real" me. The sands of time still move and the well oiled machine of youth is in constant need of "tune ups" and will eventually rust and decompose over time.

There is an old film from the 60's called "BLACK ORPHENUS" and this film always made me feel that I would one day find my Soul twin. The male/female half of me that existed and I have been true to this "soul" as well as to myself. No one has ever been able to fly where I can go, they all wished to, they all started to thinking they could. They were in the final moment when you look at the person you love and the whole world hinges on their next words and you wait to see if they "get it" if they truly know you like no one else and if those words do not come, you know you have not found the "One." Yet I had some very precious beautiful soul opening heart-opening love and it was not the "One." Each brought me to another place and gave me gifts. There are so few who can give, who can walk in the world with an open heart. I am every intuitive and my open heart has given me the gift of enormous insight and perception. I have had to learn how to weed out the ones who have eyes to see and the ones who are blind to who I really am. To put someone before yourself, and to still give them their freedom. My freedom is important to me. I have become self-sufficient, independent, learned to be happy with who I am and find what I love to do, and in that there has been a certain amount of aloneness that I have gotten used to and I love my. I am full of an inexhaustible supply of energy and Love to give. I have lived a life of giving. I see an old woman pulling out food stamps and pennies to pay for her groceries, I bend down and magically bring up a dollar from the floor and say, "I think you dropped this" and if she feels guilty thinking it didn't belong to her, I say "I guess God wanted you to have it, it was under your foot, not mine." And she smiles and takes it without guilt. I am like this much of my day and as a result I have been rewarded with an amazing full life and an amazing precious circle of friends, of people of neighbors who I stop and help or talk to and stay long enough to find out how they are really doing.

Another book you might enjoy is EL CAMINO by Shirley Maclaine. It tells about her pilgrimage to Compostela. This is a journey that is done over the lines or energetic lines of the Earth and how moving through them may affect you intensely whether you want to or not. It tells about how we were all originally containing the two sexes and how the split was made. I would like for you to read it one day. I have dreamt of a connection like that all my life of being able to feel the person so much that it actually burns your heart the pain, the happiness, everything and. how you completely get lost in the moment not knowing whether to cry or laugh. I have felt you I do not even know your name and I am scared that you may simply never answer me and I may go through life knowing that was offered a glimpse of something I have been wanting all my life, but have it taken away from me and that scares me a lot. What if you simply do not reply to this journal and simply disregard me based on some preconception of what your should mate should be like, the music he should like, the paintings he should know. What about me? Even in the movies like "YOU GOT MAIL" they first hated each other and then moved on to being friends to later deal with the fact that they cannot live without each other. I do not know what to do after this. I keep thinking that is supposed to be learning something from all of this and that I have been drawn to you for a reason, for a reason. Can you explain to me why? Am I so desperate to feel again? Have I not loved enough in my life? I have loved and will always love no matter how hurt I get. So what is going on? I do not know. I would whisper those words. I would make you feel like you are the only person in the world that we could just die in each other"s arms and be happy, that you fulfill me like anybody that I have waited for you all my life. Think about it. I would give my heart and my body to only you. Not to the entire world to access and visit, but only to you to hold and keep and see and have. I still proud of what I see and I would give my life to have you make love to me right now to be able to feel you that very passion which has made you weep, to have you release all of those emotions into me. And from that. Have life come. God that would be heaven,




PART 30


My wishes for your precious journey to continue with the hope that you realize that people who love as big as we do and as deep as we do, must have pain, as deeply as we experience love. But that's not a bad thing. That's just the way it is and the sooner we accept this, the sooner we can accept that for people like us, it is just "normal." But how lucky we are to allow ourselves so much more than the rest of the people who just stop at what they see on the surface, how lucky we are to know love truly. There's a great book by Khalil Gibran called "THE PROPHET" and in it he speaks on "LOVE" and it is the best description of true love I ever heard put into words, and it's only two or three pages but at one point he says: "When love beckons, you must follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when Love's wings unfold you, you must yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you and when he speaks to you, believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams the way the North wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you, so shall he crucify you, even as he is for your growth, so is he for your pruning, even as he is for your height and caresses your tenders branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn, he gathers you unto himself, he threshes you to make you naked, he sifts you to free you from your husks, he grinds you to whiteness, and he kneads you until you are pliant. All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh but not all of your laughter and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives not but of itself and take not but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed. For Love is sufficient unto love. Love has no desire but to fulfill itself but if you love and have desires, let these be your desires: To melt like a running brook that sings its melody to the night, To know the pain of too much love To be wound by your own understanding of love And to bleed willingly and joyfully, To wake at dawn and be thankful for another day of loving?. Anyway, it goes on. I have come to know the truth of those words so deeply and I have so much gratitude that I have been lucky enough to experience such profound love.


Your Love has taken me on a journey to the core of my being. To my soul as I feel this is the source of my love and the sun in my world. I long for the feeling of your lips to mine and to feel the closeness of your energy and the warmth of your body. I long to make love to you and feel you inside of me intertwining our worlds as yours becomes mine and mine becomes yours. I wonder often what it will be to make love to you and see your eyes and hold you close me. I wander around in this world in a new sort of way. I feel things differently and see everything in clear view. My Love for you grows every day and inside my heart you are always with me in my daily travels. Can you feel the warmth of my heart now my Love? Can you feel the aching I have for you in my heart? I long for your touch and to feel your warmth. The connection is so strong, so undeniable and seemingly intangible. The world of our love is so vast and so large it seems somehow infinite as our souls are as well. I think of you each and every night as I am lying in my bed. I wonder what it would be like to have you with me and wonder why it cannot be. Through the vastness of our worlds we cannot seem to intertwine our bodies and often I wonder why this is happening. I wonder if you will recognize me though the world of our dreams I wonder when you see me if I would be as simple or as complex as you are imagining. I wish I could wear my love for you around like a warm winter coat, which keeps me warm when it is dark and cold in my world without you in it, and when I am alone. I read this story an Indian drama about a King his love (the object of his undying affection). In the story they fell instantly in love the moment that they laid eye upon each other however, the king was sent on a pilgrimage and gave her a ring until he could return to her from battle. In his travels an evil sorcerer cast a spell on him so that he would forget where he was going and where he had been. When he returned from battle tired and weary he had forgotten his betrothed. When he looked at her he felt the stirring of his heart, she placed the ring on his finger and then he recognized her as his lover although he did not see her and recognize her physically he felt the Love in his heart for her. I wonder if we were together before my love? I wonder if our spirits have passed this way once long ago? I wonder if in another lifetime I took your hand in mine and we enjoyed a Love so pure that we were meant to feel in again in our lifetime. How else could this be so? How else could you explain what we feel in our hearts and souls. I feel as though you are part of my world. A world of love and world that dreams are made of. I never imagined that I would have the opportunity to bring my dreams into reality. I imagine that our Love will bring us together as we travel the journey to ourselves. I feel you inside of me. I feel a love in my heart that is beating that seems so strange and yet so familiars like once long ago. Do you feel this way to my love? Do you long for the companionship of you long lost betrothed Love? Do you long to feel the touch of the man of whom you have loved long ago? The one who can give you the feeling of peace in your heart and a feeling of home? Who can love you in sickness and in health and stand by your side when you come home tired and weary from life's battlefield? Once upon a time a King found the object of his affection, she was in a land far away and they were from worlds apart but when he listened very closely?he felt the beating of Love in his heart?

Let me spoil you. Let me wake you every morning with kisses and fill your days with suprises. Lets me celebrate your victories with you, but more importantly let me comfort you during the hard times. Let me be stand by you and support you not only for this lifetime, but also for eternity because the love I feel will be here long after death. This love is a love that will surpass it all. I love the line in PRACTICAL MAGIC..."I dream of a love that even time will lay down and lie still for." I have that love; I am just waiting for you to share it with. Let us spend the rest of our lives loving in a way that when we come to the end of it, our only prayer is that we go together. Let us love in a way that takes away all the past pain. Let us love in a way that not only celebrates our similarities, but also our differences. Let us love in a way that lets us grow together as well as individuals. Let us love in a way that leaves our children with a feeling of complete love and acceptance, not only of them, but also of each other. Let us embrace our differences, our inadequacies, and our idiosycracies. Let us embrace our flaws and love them to the point they are not scars that we carry but rather callousness that we are proud to have earned. Let us love with our whole hearts and our whole bodies and our whole selves. You don't have to give up any of yourself when you are in love. You can just become part of something bigger...something grander...something more powerful. Let us love so unselfishly that the others needs become more important than our own. I believe that that is the only way to truly love. So let us truly love. Let us succumb and surrender to the truth in the emotions that we both have and awaken tomorrow not only as two whole people finally, but as a third and more powerful thing.




PART 31


As soulmate who have found each other, what I value above all it is honesty, selflessness, integrity, generosity, not of money but of heart, of love, open mindness, intelligence, you have to be able to appreciate the simple and the extraordinary, and I have to able to rely on you...as my best friend, I should be able to tell you anything. There are so many things that I love, and my tastes are so variedly am extremely versatile. I want to stroll through the countrysides and enjoy the autumn leaves falling around us to run and play like children in the piles of leaves. I want to wander around as you show me your magical city in the winter when the snow is falling, take me skating in Central Park and show me your world. I want to explore a world that neither one of has experienced. Let's travel the world together hand in hand; side by side, connected in a way that inspires people. Let us live so that people are not jealous of us for what physical things we have, but so that they feel our love and are touched by it. I love old things. I love antiques. I have a very old soul. I love to explore antique shops and wonder about the lives that the pieces have known, the more scratched up and scarred the better love the character in them. I love to lay in my bed and wonder how many nights did someone whose love is as everlasting as ours make love here? Were babies born here? Did people die here? Can I still hear the cry? Is it like a seashell does it carrying with it the sounds of where it has been what it has seen? My greatest fear in life is to be normal. I like to be different good, bad or in between, I want to be different. I don't want to be like everyone else, which is boring, that is predictable. I am I! I have my life, my passions, my desires, my needs and I want to share them with someone and be loved for them and embraced because of them, but I don't want to be trapped or changed. I love being different. I don't care what people think.

In the first episode of "DEEP SPACE NINE", Captain Benjamin Sesko interrogated by aliens inside a wormhole. He does a mind meld to explain the concept of time. Time is linear. We see Captain Sesko having is first meeting with his wife, the day they decide to get married, and the birth of their son. He uses a game of baseball to describe life. We don’t know the outcome of our action. We value of ignorance. When a person throw a ball to a batter, there are a million possible outcomes. We are all explorers of our lives. Yet as he try to explain the time moves forward his memory bring the alien to the moment where he lose his wife. And that is not linear. He still lives in the past. He loves her so much that when he closes his eyes, he still sees here. Not a second goes by that he does not think of her. In the end of the show he realize he must let go of the pain and the past. So many of us live in the past, live in the past of pain and we can not seem to trust anyone. Relationship is about taking a leap of faith. There is not guarantee in any relationship will last. Some relationship lasts for a night some for a month, some for fifty year. We must let go the pain of the past and move forward. Trust is about falling backward and knowing that your partner will catch you without reservation. If you are not willing to let go completely and hold back how can you become one with someone when u are hold part of your back. Like Billy Joel's song. "It's Matter of Trust". You must abdicate all of ourselves without a safety net. You can not fall in love or be ready for love if you can not trust. In the movie, "CITY OF ANGEL", Nicole Cage is an angel that must take a leap ...a leap of being human let go completely.

Why are we taught from the time we are little children that we must make something of ourselves at the expense of everything else? A good life to so many people has to do with money. The fact that you must do what it takes at all cost. Must you give up your health, your family, and love for the love of money? “How much is enough?” said Bud Fox (Charlie Sheen) in the movie "WALL STREET" to corporate raider Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas). He has everything he ever wants and he is still not satisfied. Gekko replies,” It's not a question of enough, pal. It's a zero sum game, somebody wins, and somebody loses. Money itself isn't lost or made, it's simply transferred from one perception to another”. When you live by the ego and have the best car, the best apartment, the best sex, the next morning you want more. In the end, you came here with nothing and you leave with nothing. Those entire thing we chase after, spend our life wanting if your examine in a subquatum level is nothing but empty space. Atomic particles vibrating at different frequency. We spend our life chasing after nothing. I would walk down the street of New York City and see people devoting their energy to car; clothing, their apartment and fixing themselves up to look like the models and actress on television and magazine. That all they care about. I go on these dates and there is never a soul to soul talk. People talk about superficial stuff when all I want to know is about the soul behind their eyes.

How many times have we all had that dreary and devastating experience of lying beside one and still feeling so utterly alone! How I have longed to experience true spiritual communion with my lover, yes, experiencing her as if experiencing divinity, in an ecstasy at once physical and spiritual like Correggio's Io being embraced by Zeus, and like Bernini's St.Teresa in her religious ecstasy in oneness with God. I once thought that this is just an ideal and that I was just in love with the idea of love, until I read Alders Huxley's ISLAND, in which lovemaking is truly sacred, as it's a way of achieving true spiritual knowledge of the lover, as well as of God. I had never written this to anyone, anyone, not to mention a stranger (but then perhaps you're not a stranger anymore) for the women that I thought I loved would only take my spirituality in half mockery as if it was just some sort of foible of mine. I want to curl up with you, feel your arms around me. I want to sleep with the peace of knowing you are beside me. I don't want any substitutes. I want you because we belong together increasingly more difficult and ask us to grow in increasingly challenging ways. I’ve learned a lot, perhaps more than a lot of my friends who have yet to find a committed relationship. And I have also had to learn from the dissolution of relationships. To trust another is hard. But this time, the real challenge trusts myself. But I believe in the power of belief. If I believe I will succeed than I am much more likely to do so. So I chant to myself don't be afraid believe, trust, and I will find the happiness I seek. I have already experienced heartache and I have survived. I am strong. I do not need to fear. And if I leave that fear behind I will be able to experience the beauty of love in a way never before. I’m liking more and more the image of the yin-yang. Two bodies that bend to embrace each other, that complement each other and create a whole and yet each part is already a whole, an unbroken line with it's own center




PART 32

I find myself faithfully missing you and testing the hands of time. I retrace the exact details defying all promises made to myself. Saying to myself its not good for me to remember the sound of your voice, the touch of your soul across my heart reaching to mine...Oh, but to know deep within the silent walls of my soul that once so readily. I tasted what could be, unwillingly knowing all so well that you never or never could have belonged to me. In your reserved absence, time has not lapsed you from my consciousness though disinclined . Colorful pictures of yesterday reluctantly still occupying my mind. I still see the presence of love in your eyes, even among fear. I was taken by you. Why this attraction? Why you? Why me? You occupy my thoughts, looking for you. . Hoping to find you. Our minds think alike; our hearts feel the same. Our thoughts are one. Everyday I see your face when I close my eyes and every time. I see the beauty of your eyes, your gentile smile and feel the tenderness of your kiss, and the embrace of your arms, and always. I want to be by your side. Somehow, Someday, It will happen. I write these lines by the light of a fire, a fire that burns deep within my soul. Most of the time it is controlled, yet, as I lie in the darkness, it burns ever so bright that I am unable to sleep. This you which fuels the flame. This you that causes it to rage within. Each of us, we two with our special gifts one to the other, the magic, the delight waiting to be shared, waiting to be gathered together, combined, each of us a half, a whole, a mind, a soul, a heart, and yet the you, the me, growing day by day. Seeking the pathway that takes me to what I have always dreamed and never seen, always tried but never been, always thought, but never knew until at last I discovered that the gift I always sought was you. They say that a heart will not prosper unless it is filled with intense faith and trust. The life of your soul lies in faith and trust, it's health lies in love. Love, such a small words yet it holds a lot of meanings. What is it? Is it that thing you feel when you see someone special? Is it that light at the end of the dark tunnel that illuminates and brightens the life of every soul that seizes it? Or is it simply a word that exists in your dictionary? A thought to ponder, but for how long? Love, en endless mystery. Will it remain so or will someone find out its secretAll in all, Dreams do come true, as from a soul etching or blueprint, manifests thought, to building the reality for it to manifest. Well that is what I believe. I could be wrong, but if you do not believe in a dream to come true, then you have no dream at all so nothing can come. It kind of brings me back to a movie with Robin William, WHAT DREAMS MAY COME, in the sense he had to take himself to the shadow, to save his wife from the place where she was lost. These movies are sometimes like glimpses of life or signs. Yet they are movies, manifest from someone’s imagination or subconscious. Untold stories forgotten stories. Only God knows that. Is it not funny that reality holds many stories and yet man has to create scenarios to be entertained, and can not find its pleasure in life itself? This is what I notice sometimes. As the saying goes "All life is a stage"

I keep thinking of that movie CITY OF ANGELS. Did you see it? Meg Ryan, Nicholas Cage. I was kind of making an analogy to myself how I feel about you and that movie just popped into my head. She wants to show him everything, wants him to feel it all, smell it, taste it, she wants to give him her love in every way she can and this is all part of it. In loving you, there's the sexual romance, there are our fantasies to turn into realities, there's so much passion between us always but it goes so much deeper. I thought of this movie because all I was thinking about today was how much I wanted to show you, to give to you, to walk by your side and be some inspiration for you to accomplish all that you can. Just to be there, to love you, to see a smile on your face, to hold you, to share everything together. How very much I want to complete you as no other ever has
That scene from CITY OF ANGEL, it's the ending, it finished me off. I felt it deep in my heart and could only see you. I couldn't fight back the tears. What he says in the end is so true. If only for a moment, to touch you, to kiss your lips, taste your body, I'd rather have that then an eternity of never having touched you at all. Don't you see my love, it's true, I try to block it out but I keep thinking about losses, happen never allowing us to touch again. I don't want to risk never having had the chance knowing all too well that we are never promised tomorrow’s. My life revolves around thoughts of you. It's exhilarating to be in love, to feel that your soulmate is here but let us see, let us know so that we can journey together and look up at the stars, let's name one for our future and know that up above we will forever be us.

CHAPTER 7: OUR DAY TOGETHER

When I fall in love with a women not a single one of those days past with any other feeling other than solid believe, faith and indescribable joy that wrapped my heart. Distance meant nothing, lonely did not exist, temptations were never present, my heart was there with her, many couldn't understand why I chose to do so, and I couldn't understand why they don't understand. I have no fears in falling in love, if I meet someone I know I will love my entire devotion and soul would be given to her. I do not fear in it not becoming the one because I know while I was with that person I gave all, love is not an investment.

I am a thinker and curious with all things in life. People may find me too intense at times when I am off in my thoughts and views but the closer ones who knows me, I become the child that I really am. I trust with a child's heart and if I feel really close to the person I go on imaginary journeys and share with them the limitless imagination I am blessed with. It has been hard in the city, I have no one with whom I am can feel that way to. I am very sentimental, having a crisp clear memory of everything that happened of importance to me. I was always a wanderer since a child. I lived more in my imaginary world than the real and often I would have scenarios played in my head so realistic that I forget I am in public and people can see each emotion. I feel as travel through my own stories. I cannot say that I don't need to be attracted to the person, attraction is always there but I will so much drawn to a persons "feel", conduct, comfort with himself and finally and most important is their mind, principles and integrity. I am picky when it comes to having the next girlfriend not because I have high standards but because I see no point in a relationship if I will not be in love with her. If I know I cannot give all than having her as a girlfriend is no different from a friend. I do not play games, or deliberately attract any attention.

I also possess a strong romantic streak and a very sensitive nature. I prefer to be around people who have chosen careers that make a difference in improving the lives of other people. I'm not materialistically oriented in the financial sense. (I feel the need to clarify this point because I'm very much oriented on making a home environment wherever I go. I consider my book collection an absolute necessity. Hence, some people consider me "materialistic" in that sense.) However, I've reached the point where I've stopped dating women who work in the business field because I have yet to meet any who do not place making money above more important aspects in life--e.g. Love, family, God, beauty (not necessarily in that order). I'd rather not go on any more "duty dates" either and most definitely. Intellectual conversation is incredibly important to me. I've found that this is one of the few things missing from my work life and I get into debates with my friends on a wide range of subjects agree with whoever told you that where you are right now is exactly where you need to be. As corny as it seems, life works in strange ways and every step that we take is another part of that journey and great insight into who we are and what we want to be. If it seems our paths might cross more.


PART 33

I am a person who senses things deeply and I analyze and size things up and have a sense about things I cannot explain. Seeing someone in person. The way they carry themselves, the way they dress (not how expensive their clothes are, just how they choose to portray themselves physically), and their mannerisms their body language says a lot about who they are. How someone interacts with me in person. How they respond to me. How they look at me, how they look in my eyes. I see things that other people don't see. I try to live by the soul and hence see past the physical. I disturb people with the honesty that I require in a relationship. People don't want to surrender every inch of their souls. It’s too expensive a price to pay. I have rarely met someone who is able to see and feel life as fully as I see it. I am a person who senses a lot from someone's physical presence. I have fallen quite completely with someone through phone and in person they were not who I had hoped they would be and they hadn't lied. Her lack of confidence in my physical presence was evident and it made me hard to trust someone who cannot trust herself. I don't want to constantly have to reassure someone, though it is my nature to do so. It was my nature to encourage and reassure and forgive and support and champion someone else I have often ended up with someone who needed me and not who loved me. I want both. I want to need and be needed because we love each other. I am a very visual and tactile and sensual person. And I have been deeply, physically attracted to women who were not necessarily attractive to the majority. I can, do and will surrender when the time is right. I have surrendered to many women I was convinced I could trust them because ultimately I long to be trusted and loved completely and believe that it is possible and it can and will happen for me. But I have been betrayed, so I have learned not to give away my love so easily. I don't want to play head games or word games. I need to know there are no games here. Games do frighten me because there's too much evasion of truth, you shouldn't have to 'play' for truth and trust They are inherent in real love.

Few see what I see, hear what I hear, feel what I feel and to some extent it is true that no one sees these things as I do, These are all for you my love. I'm not capable any more of being anything but who I truly am. I am a person of ultimate integrity. Yes, I do fail. But I strive to be what I expect of others to live with as much integrity as possible. NO GAMES. I will not be compared to your past relationships. I do not live in the past. I am result of my past as you are yours. So our stories of our past are important to me. They have made us who we are. We do not live in them, but do honor them for who the have made us become. Those who have things to hide about their past have not dealt with and grown from it. Do we share these things with just anyone? We cannot trust just anyone with our past pains and secrets, only someone who truly loves us and respects us. Someone we can trust with our inmost pains. I do believe that love can be felt for someone by reading the words that they have to say. To touch my heart is when I feel the love that is within a person. I love candle lit dinners, picnics in the rain, walking hand and hand along the beach as the moon is shining down on the water. I love the smell of knowing when a rainstorm is about to come, and we play in the puddles together. Then I like the serious side that lets us knows that you are always free to speak our minds and not be afraid that the words will hurt. To let each person be himself or herself and yet their souls are bond together as one. When they say that love is like a ring it has no beginning and no end. Love can cost a lot, but not loving always cost more.Love is hard to find because I feel that people go into it with close minds and hearts. I have always believed that people have soul mates and sometimes you are lucky enough to find them. Even with failed loves, it doesn’t stop me from trying to find it. I am very committed to a relationship. It is about give and take and you can't always be one or the other. I too believe in honesty because that is the only true way to live. People either except all or they don't. In the movie, City of Angels, to think that a man loved someone so much that they were willing to fall down to earth for her. When Nicholas Cage in "CITY OF ANGEL" said that he would rather have one breath of her hair, one kiss of your mouth, one touch of her hand then an eternity without it. That is what love is all about with the right person. I do believe that people can fall in love through conversation

I hope on my next inhale I will find what I have been waiting for? That I’m trying to lure you in with an inciting exhale? I know that I want you. That I need you and love as I need and love myself. You are a part of me. In a way, we are part of everyone we meet, see, talk to, and touch. In this way we perceptibly or imperceptibly change the world we live in. we make it our world, one that revolves around our perceptions. But everyone has a world based on his or her own perceptions. So it is at the intersection of these worlds that communication takes you asked about fate and destiny. Love is a series of time and place coincidences and that we all have an infinite number of princesses waiting for us. I believed that for a while too. But now that doesn't seem right either. There is true love. But there is also time and place and readiness. I’m falling more into the idea that connections of love happen with those who meet our needs at the time. Who reflect us and mirror us as we are. I’d hope for is that these connections can grow as the individuals grow. I’ve had the experience of growing out of a relationship. And it was sad that my partner couldn't grow with me. I want someone who not only reflects where I am now but also will be with me twenty years from now, fifty years from now. Someone who will grow with me and not that we have to be identical, but someone who can understand me on all levels and stages of my journey.

I am not interested in making myself different from others but only in search and learning how to listen to my own intuitions, judgment separate from any outside factor. I enjoying meeting people when I can connect to their minds, self and not the person they want to be in front of me, in society or what they wish to be. I learn to not be judgmental because I believe everything is the way they are because there is a series of long history behind the person to have brought him/her to the way they are. I know there is someone else who feels what I feel and that has been shown others who 'appear' to be that one but are not. I am a good person with very high morals and standards for myself only because that is what makes me happiest, to be that sort of individual. I can easily describe myself in one word- complicated. I don't judge books by their covers, however, I know what kinds of books that I like and which ones are most likely of little interest to me. I look for answers when most others are not aware that there was even a question. I am very secretive, but have such complexities, that many of my acquaintances believe that they have known the real me. (I don't even truly know the real me.) I'm not afraid to speak my mind for fear of making a bad impression. I am a poet at heart and an artist in soul. I also have a tendency to ramble. Promises are something you shouldn't make! I have a feeling I am truly alone in this one. A man of my word so far I have kept all my promises. But most have excuses why you didn't keep promise. You can not expect integrity from a person unless willing to do the same, other wise that makes you a hypocrite! See to win my heart a woman must completely have me at heart, and be the giver of her. The woman in which cares weather a promise is kept, or simply keeping your word




PART 34


This heart is very picky, as I should be. See, its been a lifetime of waiting for the right one, that person who puts me so deeply in their heart, they would fret to see me hurt or disappointed on a counterpart of their fault. I do take things to heart; A lack of disinterest of my inner feeling s is a bad sign. Because with that shows me of no compassion, no empathy, and a chance that in fact you might be too self absorbed. See I unselfishly gave up time, to write you every day. That was sacrifice for you. I value integrity and happiness much more than money and the older I get, these things hold more important for me. I am content with myself and am satisfied with the way things are in my life but, I will just keep on knowing that there is a divine order to everything and right now is exactly where I should be according to the divine unfolding of my consciousness and my life's purpose. Sometimes I think things happen when we bring them into conscious awareness, so I am trying to be patient as I wait for you to end my loneliness. I will now continue my search for you and still keep living and experiencing knowing that soon it will happen. I will now bring YOU into my conscious awareness so that when you are ready. We can move closer toward becoming ONE…together.

There was books sitting on the edge of table in Barnes and Nobles. I picked them up and began to read I could not put them down. There was one story of Khalil and a woman he loved, in that time, the father had accepted to grant a man her daughter to gain respect or so it was at the time. This man was rich, and had many mistresses. Khalil and his love would meet secretly and just innocently talk and share the truth of their love as she was married she did not even kiss him, but in true love I guess it was not needed. His soul ached, as I know hers did to. She was carrying her husbands child, and when it came time to have the baby he was not around but Khalil was ad both the mother and child died as her heart could no longer bear being apart from her true love. I have shortened the story a little. But my heart felt this story so profoundly. I see today so many people unhappy, not freeing their souls to be with the one they truly feel they love. Living in deceit, denial, hurting themselves and those they profess to love. But I guess that is the journey of life, to eventually seek the truth in all things and to have the courage to walk one's truth. My path seems to seek the truth in all things.

Another book which is captured my soul was that of "FOLLOW THE REINDEER SPIRT" . I will not tell you about its contents but would recommend it highly. I love the female form. (Little pun). There is this site you has to see, the artist is Rassouli. If you type in Rassouli.com you should find his site and gallery. I was blown away. I am sure it will please you to see his works. I have a picture on my fringe of a man and women face to face, it is so innocent and pure and yet contains the beauty of sensuality, and it is a Calvin Klein ad for perfume. For some strange reason I like Calvin Klein, Who knows. I love fashion but am not controlled by fashion; I have my own style and do not get caught up in the fads. As we are an expression of what and ourselves we wear represents part of who we are superficially of coarse. No doubt there are many of us seeking and searching or becoming aware of the other that makes us whole. One day, I met a person, all of a sudden I became so aware of myself, I seemed shaky, and yet was so attune to what was inside her, she seemed to open up the doors of my psyche and I was aware of her presence her thoughts, etc. then suddenly more words began to flow, exposing the expression of my soul. Maybe it was a mirror of what lay dormant inside me, maybe she was my angel or guide teaching me of myself or this is what lived within her. I wondered if she was the one, but she was married so my answer was no. There was nothing she could give me that I could not give myself as her love was with another, whether she was happy or not. She was not free, but bound by commitment. I love Leo Buscaglia and was also drawn to Brian L Weiss, who wrote of an encounter of past lives with two of his clients. "Only true love lives". They were each other’s soulmate in the many lives they lived, whether it was father and son, mother and daughter, husband and wife, they in this present world had been in and out of relationships, yet both successful and something missing. Fate had led them to each other through the doors of Dr. Weiss. He could not do much even though he discovered who they were, as it was not his part to push their destiny and his profession did not allow him to disclose confidentiality, they had to find themselves through each.

Do I have fears? Of course, Don’t' we all. I guess one of the biggest ones is being alone. I have become comfortable in my isolation but not at peace with it. It is not my nature. I am meant for intimate companionship with one person. It is what I value most deeply. I fear being used or having the very thing that I know makes me an even a more valuable partner taken advantage of for I am ultimately a very trusting person and I think that the person I am meant to be with deserves to receive me as unscathed as possible. Though I am not one who regrets my past. I have learned so much through my losses and grieve. I am a stronger person for all those experiences. Other fears... that someone will abuse my trust ... my belief and determination to believe the best about all people. It gets me in trouble again and again. If you are my soulmate you will not violate this trust Not many people make me nervous any more. This whole possibility is frightening. I tremble with the thought of it ... the possibility that this could be it. I will say it differently many times over. In reference to all the experiences that go with meeting your soulmate. Could this really be it? After all the longing and crying and despair and dashed hopes? Could this finally be it? Yes it's frightening. So yes I confess. I am afraid. But it's a good fear an exciting one. For I have confidence that if it is to be, it will be. And if you declare me 'not he.' Well then it was not I. because my soulmate will embrace me knowingly, both passionately and gently. The gentle yet passionate welcome you give a bruised and battered soldier whose 'come home ' at last... safe ...home... at last.

I am spiritual and believe in reincarnation. I'm not into politics or organized religion. I believe that people should be what their hearts tell them to be whether that's gay or straight, religious or non, married or single, into whatever makes them happy as long as they hurt no one else. I don't believe in trying to change another person because one, it's manipulative and just plain wrong, and two, it's a dead end road because you can't change someone else. I want someone with whom I can grow and learn and evolve and blossom into being the best I can be and also the happiest (or one of the two) happiest people on earth. I want someone who will love me unconditionally, the same way I want to love him. No judging, no scolding, no manipulation, no withholding of love and affection and definitely no games. Just respect, love and honest appreciation for and commitment to each other with loving assistance provided for the other as needed. I want her to be someone who inspires me to be my very best, as I inspire her to be her very best. I want someone open and honest and mature enough to be able to say anything to me and to be open to hearing anything, I may need to say and I want her to be sensitive to my needs, as I will also be sensitive to her and only speak kindly to her. I want her to be able to look into my eyes and see all the way down into my soul. I want her to love and cherish and nourish what she sees there as I will love and cherish and nourish her soul. Once our souls are reunited, this will only give us added strength to stand alone (as two) against 'the world.' Together we can scale heights that alone we could not. Therefore our souls should be cherished and loved and nurtured in some very special ways.



PART 35

Making love daily sounds like a really good start. Little versions of her, with her eyes, her lips, her beauty, her kindness and her love, our combined souls and my athletic ability. Our children will be daily reminders of the beauty of our shared love. I want her to be able to accept flowers from a boy without feeling emasculated or uncomfortable. I want her to appreciate the little things I do for her, from doing her laundry and ironing her dress to baking her favorite dessert just because. I want her to come to me when she's down and tell me her problems and to feel comfortable crying in my arms when necessary although I hope she won't feel much sadness once we reunite. I want to stand with her in front of one particular doubting friend, who doesn't believe in soulmates and continues to tell me, why not despite my firm belief on the topic. I want to open her eyes and help her find her soulmate so that she will see how amazingly wonderful it really can be. I believe that communication is the key to any good relationship and I must have this in abundance with my soulmate. I want to open up my heart to her and share my deepest desires and dreams and still be accepted within her loving arms. I am not afraid to meet my soulmate. I have been waiting for her for so long. Anyway, I long for this completeness and believing that she may be right around the next corner have sustained me for so long. I'm afraid that she might not be mine, but somebody else's that sounds just like 'mine' because, after all, don't all soulmates seek the same kind of love as we are? I won't know if it's her until I look into her eyes, touch her hands and smell her scent. Deep down I thought that she'd come in a specific type of package but life has taught me that sometimes things are offered to you in a different way than you expect. I believe that certain people come into your life to broaden your horizons forcing you to grow and learn more about yourself. I would go anywhere if I knew my soulmate was waiting for me. There's so much that I want to see and do with that special someone. I want to see the animals at the zoo, go to the aquarium, check out the Bronx and the architecture of Harlem, take a brunch or night time cruise around Manhattan, see the beaches and wineries of Long Island and go to the ethnic neighborhoods in Brooklyn and go to Staten Island, and take a train ride away for a weekend to some quaint bed and breakfast with a beautiful mountain view out the bedroom window, and make love in the dark with the curtains open so we can see the lights twinkling in the houses in the mountains but they can't see us, have dinner in a real tall building with a view of something New Yorkish - the bridges other skyscrapers.

In my heart of hearts I have always known that I could not settle for a confining relationship. I am older now and have come to terms with who I am and have a better sense of what I want and am realistic in the ideals I originally set out for myself. I think this allows me to make better conscious choices and live more in the image that is true to me and not be so afraid of failure and to live more in the present moment. In the search for myself I think I came to my very own "awakening". I never wanted to be bound by marriage and yet I have always wanted to be married. Now that I am older I know that I cannot just marry for marriage sake and with the right person marriage would be more of a spiritual union than a "binding" and depletion of growth. I always knew that it could only happen with someone very unique and very special above and beyond the superficial what is most important is what lies deeply in the soul. We can pray and hope for something to enter our lives never expecting to have our prayers be heard. I have learned that God does answer prayers and therefore to "be careful what you wish for" because as much as the result is uncertain the prayer often does come true. I have learned so much about myself over the past year, the unraveling and unfolding of the soul has really placed a enormous amount of trust in you my soulmate. I often sit here wondering where the future will take us. I wonder often if our love will change our lives forever. It is so vast, so large that often I have to keep it as under control as possible. Don't you ever think about it though? If our search for true lovesseparately has led us together in some divine pattern. I think about it all the time, I can't help it. We are still young and have our whole life ahead of us, what I really seek is a certain sense of freedom of ourselves through this relationship. Through our love for each other I hope to pull myself apart layer by layer as I hope to see each part of you. As we continue to travel, please know that I promise my complete acceptance and non-judgment. I need you to know this so that you can put your fears to rest and that no matter what you will always be my best friend. Each day the search to come closer to Love continues. I feel it building in my heart, I feel the Love growing every day. I admit that there are times when it all becomes very overwhelming, there are times when I have fears and think way too far ahead.

I believe in fate, I believe everything happens for a reason. I don't let it control my life but the idea is always in the back of my head. I sometimes feel like giving up the search. I kid around with my friends saying that my soulmate was run over by a truck when she was a young kid or hit by a bus while crossing the street. My friends and family think I am nuts. This past weekend, my sister, who may I preface is a little jealous of my personal achievements, besides calling me a serial dater because I am not in a serious relationship, said to me that I will never be married because I am too picky. I am waiting for Mrs. perfect, Mrs. model, Mrs. wealthy, etc. She doesn't understand at all. Personally I want my future wife to ask me to be her husband because she can't bear the thought of being away from me for more than a few hours. I've had about 3 chances to be married, but I can't be happy with settling just for the sake of being married. Like I said before...I would rather be single. She said to me..."Alex, the perfect woman that you are looking for is not out there. You are going to die a very old and lonely man." Talk about nice casual conversation with your sibling huh? To love someone is the most incredible experience all around, physically, emotionally, etc. I couldn't get enough of her in any way. If I could have I would have jumped inside her if he was humanly possible, just to be that much closer to her. I wouldn't give up the memories for the world; however, it sets high expectations on future relationships. It seems that the ones following haven't even come close to comparing. I would fool myself, over looking some very important things, to just hold onto the idea of being in a good relationship and being in love. That leads to great disappointment, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Every date I go on it seems I leave with disappointment and frustration. I am so tired of the dating scene. I don't do the bar scene. I get so frustrated with the whole dating thing, everyone pretending to be someone they are not, not willing to commit, the mere mention of the word marriage sends them running while screaming. I am a very open, honest person. I can tell very quickly if I am with a person that I could be married to. I think as early as the first date, sometimes though I chose to ignore what I know is the truth leading to the disappointing long term relationships. I like to talk about how I feel about marriage, sex, whatever. If the women that I am with can't handle that then it is good-bye. I want to know up front that the women I am on a date with has the same views on marriage, in life, and goals that I do, otherwise we are both wasting our time being there. To me it is forever. I know people say that but I MEAN it. I am the type of person that makes things work, I have no problem putting the effort in as long as it is worth the effort. I think that is why I was in my relationship for so long. I was determined to make it work. Unfortunately I was a little to young to realize I was putting in the effort to something that wasn't really worth the effort. Two very important things about my character that I think any perspective date should know. Besides all the basic important stuff that I expect like honesty, highly sexual, loyalty, 100% commitment (I know all these things sound basic but for some reason they are so hard to get out of the women I date)



PART 36



1- I am all about "the little things" I do it subconsciously, little notes, little cards, telling the person I love them, etc. I don't do it for it to be returned, although if it's not I feel very unwanted. The reason I say I do it subconsciously is that when I am with someone, they are on my mind CONSTANTLY...I can't get them out of my mind. I will pick up little presents here or there. Or if they are going on business travel I'll slip a note or card in their luggage...I'll leave notes in their bags for them to find later...baths, massages, I'm a VERY touchy person, always rubbing (not necessarily in a sexual way...holding their hand rubbing it, their hair, their arm, etc.)

2-I am a VERY sexual person, if I am with the right person. I need to trust the person I am with to fully enjoy them. I love to touch and to be touched in every way. I am like one big nerve ending. I have trouble describing to people how incredible it feels to be touched...even if it is just having the one you love caress your arm. That is why I can't understand how some married people who don't touch and live together. I crave to be touched.

Society today tries to make us feel bad about wanting a special person to feel whole with. When I talk about this to other people they think I am crazy. I am not looking for an identity; I already have one of those. I am not looking for financial security, I already have that. I am not looking for a new family to fill a void that I have; I already have a family that I am very close to (not saying I don't want to be part of my significant other's family. I want to be a part of everything about her. I am looking for my other half that will make me feel whole when I am with her. Everyone, including society, views this as me being "needy" "unable to survive on my own, being single" I think I have proven this wrong, since I am still single, successful, have lots of friends and overall happy. I just feel like I'm missing that last puzzle piece. I am not afraid to say that I want someone to be with, to marry, that makes me feel whole. I want someone that I am going to miss every second I am not with them (and I don't mean I need to be with them every second of the day, just think about them every second of the day). I want someone to worship the ground I walk on since I will be worshipping the ground they walk on. I want to feel special since I will make them feel like they are the most precious person in this world of 6 billion. I want someone who wants to have her hands on me 24 hours a day since I will be unable to contain myself around her. I want that relationship that makes people sick because it is so full of love and mushy things, the same relationship that they are actually silently jealous of. I don't want to even think about the day that we will be separated by death because if she goes first I will feel like my life cannot, should not go on. This is what I want...am I asking too much?

I ask for a woman who has a strong sex drive and is uninhibited. This has been one of the biggest problems in my past relationships. I want to try it everywhere and want to be touched, to touch all the time. It is very difficult finding a woman who loves the man's body and also loves the idiosyncrasies of men. My friends worry that I'll never find someone because I go for nice women but they aren't as sexually hungry as I am. Don't get me wrong. I have not been with a lot of women. I can count the number of women that I have kissed on one hand. I love everything about women, their sent, their touch, the feel of stubble against my neck, the way they say my name, the various nicknames they bestow on me, and even the way that they try to solve my problems when all that I want is to have them listen. I am a very touchy person and you can never kiss me enough. Do you know every person you ever loved had a little something that reminded you of me and I am all those people in one. Passion is what I search for; passion is what I am about whether it is my life, my love, my hobbies, my career, and my nature walks wondering where you were. The full moon is most erotic to me and is where I hope to be under the full moon when we meet, and I tell you I couldn't live another moment if you did not tell me "I love you and only you" I think you are stronger than me and much more beautiful than me, but you would say the same to me.

Am I romantic? I think that romance is misunderstood. People tend to think it is particular events or happenings (candle light dinners, wining and dining). If you don't enjoy the person you are with, those things are meaningless. For me, romance is I something deeper than the event, romance happens on a day to day basis when two people love each other. It happens naturally. It's holding hands, kissing, long gazes. It’s lying beside each other, snuggling, knowing that your life is complete feeling the each other's heart beat and the rhythm of breathing. It is long, sensual baths, it is planning something special, writing notes, flirting and pursuing each other with I words, gestures, and action. If you cannot treat another person the way you treat yourself, you are not ready for love. Please don't misunderstand anything that I have shared about my beliefs on love. I believe that love faces temptations and turns away. I believe that love can be painful, but it can also be exhilarating if allowed to do so. It may become stagnated and misplaced, but it can provide opportunities for growth and new directions.

The choices we make may in some way be dictated by our environment or decisions made by other people, but there are always choices. I share with you, however by not actively choosing you have also made a choice. If I could only open up my heart and mind to these people and pour it into them. I would. How could I make them understand that one simple choice can impact our lives until we die? One of my favorite poems is The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both. And be one traveler, long I stood and looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth. I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence; Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- took the one less traveled by, and that made all the difference in the world.”

I believe that we are made of the earth, made of the same stuff, there is no other, no division between us and "lower or 'higher" forms of being. I believe if we are open hearted and accept what is given to us no matter what "being" is giving it to us we will accept ourselves for just that…ourselves. It is when we deny this union that we become indifferent to life and love. I believe that we have "helpers" with us to guide and protect us. These helpers come in all shapes and forms. Sometimes they may appear as an animal, an "unexplainable" feeling, in a dream or a person. I believe that we do not meet someone by accident. I believe that we search or are searched out by the optimistic and soft hearted



PART 37



My love, this has been so hard and continues to be but I feel we are coming close to the time that is to be ours for the rest of time. Our vision is one in the same and our journey is going to be all that we have dreamed and talked of. I look to our future with open arms to share all the wonders that are out there waiting for us. Wherever we are, whatever we do, it will always be perfect for the greatest beauty in life is to share true love. With the emptiness I sometimes feel and the sadness not be with you right now comes a peace knowing that no matter what the distance might be, you are with me as I am with you forever together in heart and soul...our bodies will soon connect at well. Slowly we are working together, putting all the pieces of the puzzle together so that when the time comes everything will fit just perfect. That is our goal, one without a doubt we will achieve and cherish for we worked hard and didn't just take for granted but rather took the time to nurture who we are, soulmates. It's been tough honey but well worth it. It's all coming together; do you feel it as much as I do?
Who better then my soulmate then to share all the fantasies that exist within us both? We will be each other's guides, exploring and appreciating the gift to express our love for each other through what we have longed to feel. Our bodies will come together and each and every day and night we will find the comfort in knowing we complete each other in every way. I love you so much; I have never felt so connected to anyone as I do you. Sometimes I think we look for answers that can not be put into words, it's just something special that we feel inside that allows us to know. Gently and softly we will come together and when you feel completely safe knowing that I would never hurt you, you'll let me in knowing that I am home where I belong...by your side.

Another day I awaken with thoughts of you on my mind, missing you so much, wanting you to be by my side. Sharing our mornings together before we have to go off into the world outside of the one we have come to know and treasure as our own. I love you so much and each and every day in my heart I have no doubt for what I feel. It feels calmer now, I'm beginning to just accept what is and stop questioning the how's and why's. It's our time, the universe has given us this precious gift and now we just need to take what is rightfully ours to share. It's coming time for us to move in the direction of our dreams and start living the reality that it belongs to us. I love you with all my heart and soul and I believe you are beginning to trust in me. The one person in life you can forever count on being there for you always is me...your soulmate. I will cherish you forever and feel blessed to know that you are in my life. My love, I miss you and want you so much. It's so hard not touching the body I crave to have the only woman that I will ever want. The one who will forever excite me with all my heart and soul, all that I am I love you. I am thinking about you always. You are with me night and day. In wanting to be with only you to share in all that we are to have together I have not been able to enjoy anything else. You have become the center of my universe and I happily give myself to you but you need to want to let me in. Am I asking too much?

The greatest gift I feel I have to share is my heart and soul. My heart, my soul belongs to you. Trust in my love and ask not why but rather let us be grateful for all that we share. Our past is just what it is, the present is now and the future is ours to cherish for all the years to come. If you need more assurance from me my love ask away, I will give you whatever you need to feel safe and secure for until you do there can never truly be an us. Did you know that I too have kept my heart safe up until you came into my life? Was I frightened opening myself up only to be hurt, an even greater hurt then ever before? Most definitely would be the answer to that question but how could I not take the chance of being hurt when the greater of risks would be the thought of letting go of my one true soulmate and for what? Fear? No, my greatest fear would be to have turned away into my safe world and let you slip away to be left still hurt for having lost faith in the love of my life. I'm sorry if this sounds melodramatic but the universe has answered my prayers and I will not turn away from the greatest treasure life has to offer. To have it all I know that the faith has to be as strong as the heart and soul for without that our world comes crumbling down. I have surrendered all that I am to you, I have left myself completely open for you to take my love, honor and respect the gift of my heart as I will forever yours if you will love me enough to trust me with your most valuable possession.you, all that you are.

What if my whole life all I ever wanted was you, my soulmate? And that in everything I do and everything that I wanted, it was for you. And if I don't have you then I don't have anything. I am nothing. Then what? Would you still love me? You are the reason that I live the reason that I breathe. It was the unspoken words that you read I hope that will touch you and you would say to yourself that I saw myself for the first time on these pages. I cannot eat ... cant sleep.... Can’t think of anything ... but you. It's funny because I never knew how hard it is to breathe when you’re in love with someone that you can't touch or see or feel. Or how your heartbeats endlessly inspire of all the fear and the joyous pain. It's like tug of war with in my soul. One part wants to get on the next plane and immediately be at your side. Holding your hand and never letting you go. You don't know this women, my mind tell me. What if your feeling is not real, you've been here before remember and look what happened (still single) and then the all too true. Your life has been full of disappointment and heartbreak, never having a successful relationship, never finding anyone who is worthy of your love, someone to please you to make you whole. Someone who will always be there no matter what. If I love her and she loves me then I want her to know me at my best. See me as an accomplished man who can take care of himself always on top of things never needy...never alone or hurt and having the world in his finger tips ... with much more than she to give...WILL YOU LET ME BE THE KEEPER OF YOUR HEART. THE KEEPER OF YOUR SOUL.



PART 37


I know that I could never give my heart to anyone else but you. I would rather be a book on a shelf on a wall in your presence than to belong to another woman. I know that I would feel more love experience, more joy than with anyone else.. I missed and longed to be touched and kissed by someone I have never known. I'm wondering as I sit and type these words to you not knowing what the next word or sentence that may follow this. If I follow my heart and you follow your heart what do we have to lose? My answer is this. NOTHING! WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO LOSE. And if we don't try, we lose each other. Our reason to live, reason to love and to be loved. Money buys nice things that are it nothing more. So I have every thing to offer everything you could want. My love. My Life. My trust. And guess what that's all that I ask of you and all that I want from you. The rest we can find our way and build our dreams together. The odds maybe encounter able but the vision is undeniable. I have waited all of my life for you and if I can’t have you then I want no one. It will be hard for me. Let me take care of you and in truth I don't know what my future will hold if there is no you. You know I never realized how much I needed to be loved to be happy. How much I needed to love someone to feel complete. My Love, if this is too unbearable for you. To unbelievable, then I leave you with this. We don't choose who we love, love chooses us. If you choose to accept me and walk with me throughout eternity then I leave you this. On our first date, for the first time that I hold your hand, kiss your lips, brush away your tears and make love to your soul. I expect you to give me your undying love, your trust, your life, and your soul. I can’t tell you how much I fear the unknown. I have had enough sadness and heartache in my life. I believe that there is a season for all things. And our season has arrived. "Cease the day. Cease the Moment ... Carpe Diem?" Please this has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. But, I know that It could not have came any other way it would not have been as beautiful. You are discovering me, me discovering you. (The Story of Us) So, My Love, take my hand, close your eyes and walk with me. You will never want to look back. Even when we are both old and gray, I will continue to write letters such as this forever and always the keeper of your heart love you today, tomorrow and always You will not sure what to do, do you meet me or not?

CHAPTER 8: YOU WERE ALWAYS WITH ME

There is a love that exists that transcends the illusions this world has created. When people look at those who have this love, and it is very rare, but when they do they see something that they know is true and it upsets them because it shows them that they do not have this. It wakes them up from their sleep and most don't want to look at it because it is only a painful reminder of what they do not eyes to have. In order to have this pure love, and go to these heights and have the eyes to see it, one must have suffered from the pain of knowing that it was out there somewhere. One must have suffered from the pain of knowing they were being called upon to have faith, even when n it didn't show itself and seemed that maybe it never would. In Italy I was in a small town a long time ago by the sea, called Camogli. I came there just in time to see the sun setting over an amazing sea and I walked to the edge where the walkway meets the water so I could be somehow closer to this moment, somehow closer to the light of the sun because I was dying from the disappointment of what I thought had been finding my soulmate. As the light was going out in me and the darkness of night was about to come, I walked to the edge where they built a small cement dock that led to the rocks where the waves crash at your feet as the last of the light from the sunset was to be found and I walked up to the edge and I could not understand why all the people in the town were not there with me watching this amazing performance of the sea from the magnificent waves that crash before you, delivering messages to those with eyes to see. I found myself applauding the sea for it's gift to me every time the waves came crashing before my feet and as I watched the sun touch the water before it left. I saw the waves start to rise and the next thing I knew was that they were crashing on me and I was nearly dragged into the sea but what I realized was that the ocean was reclaiming me and finding a way to let the last bit of light from the sun somehow touch me and give me back the light of hope that had nearly gone out in me. I speak of the twin souls, the original male and female halves. I believe that Love can only exist if it is pure and when it exists and has been found together, there is no need for money, because you live on this love, there is even little appetite for food because you feed on this love, it feeds you, it gives you life and the third being that it creates, it is a oneness and a separateness that makes you free to be in the world without pain for the first time because you have found it at last and you need nothing more than to be grateful each day for this re- union. I want to laid eyes on you, that much I know at the fountain at Lincoln Center I chose this because for years I have made wishes there with coins praying for this One to appear and if it is you, then I would want you to appear where I first wished for you a long time ago, somewhere in Time.


Full moon tonight, the snow is painted blue. One of natures illusions for everyone to enjoy. I'm alone right now, and had to share that with someone:) but, I'm sitting here.... Writing. I'd begun to read this once before, but I didn't feel that I was ready. This time, I'm relaxed, and know I that I won't rush it. Actually, I've put on music and even made myself a huge mug of my favorite tea (ginger peach) for this. I've found that it is so rare to find someone who isn't fake. A person who's goals aren't materialistic, or set in "TV world". To find that perfects body with the mind and job. I once met this woman and if I told you her family name you would know. She had everything; she was beautiful, intelligent, more money than 90% of the population. We would talk about love. how she was ready for it and wants it. Her problem was she was lying to herself. When there is no involvement, there is no commitment. She changed career and would make time to go across the country to make things happen, but ask her to make time for love. She will give you excuses of why she cannot. Suddenly all those excuse are gone when it is something you want. Excuse and reasons are the same in my book. So many people rationalize their behavior with reason and excuses. Like that should make it OK. But it doesn’t. Things are either right or wrong. My goal is that of enlightenment and peace of mind, heart, and a quenching of the soul. I have this passion, it’s an emotion so raw and there, that I don't think any other feeling could amount to that. . Love is so strong, powerful. You feel like if this person you are looking for, told you to move 20 mountains, you could do it in less than a heartbeat. That’s what I feel. It’s like an obsession with an invisible friend. It drives me mad sometimes. And what makes it worse is that there are so many people out there who I could fall in love with. Any person I saw, I know that it didn't matter who it was, I would love them just the same. But I want to find that person that gives you the fire to run around the world. That person, that no matter what...without even giving a second thought, you could trust in completely. The Surrender. And that is because you are completely utterly in love with them. To the point of absolute abandonment of all inhibitions. I'm sure you know what I mean. How is it possible to keep your head up when everyone you meet is fine, genuinely nice people? But there isn't that sparks that wave of giddiness and adrenaline.



PART 38



Sometimes I think that I'm just too picky. A lot of people want looks, they want a rich guy. Where's that compassion or kindness I ask? The ambition not to be someone in the world, but someone to themselves. I see everything as a lesson. It's just as you say it's an inner growth. You can't live your life in the past, you can only move on forward. Life is full of infinite lessons, its just up to the person to see them, learn from them. And then put it into action. But I see it this way. Wouldn't it be a waste to have all this insight on things, anything? But you can't find a single person to share it with? Not even only a handful of them out there its seems, but that has to be impossible. It's only common sense. To do what you feel is right. Follow your instincts and not your doubts.

Why don't more people see that life is so short, and time is so precious? Everyone needs a companion. That special someone who makes up your other half. What would it take to find someone who reflects you as well as themselves at the same time? Or how about when you go somewhere that you absolutely love and you wish you could turn around and have that special someone there to appreciate it as much as you do. You know that one day it'll happen, but when? It's like playing the lottery everyday. You do it religiously because you can't help but wonder "could today be the day?" You can't miss a single day, because there's always that "what if" what if I walk down this way instead of that way she'll be there. It could be anyone. How can you sort through the endless holograms...grin and bear it? Have to look for that person that looks at everything with fresh eyes and a fresh mind how amazing would it be to be naked in all senses of the word, someone who can see straight through you? Someone that has unlocked that little part of you inside that's never been seen. The allowance of invasion of defeat with a perfect smile on your face, something that you wanted for so long. Those things that will help you wake up in the morning, help you rest at night and make the sunrise more preciousness than it's ever been. See it's the little things like that, that people often look past. Those little touches that complete the picture. I'm not a person that's big on fine points, nothing is perfect. Actually, its those little imperfections that make it perfect...(make sense? hmm) sometimes it the little details that people overlook that makes things possible.

Do you remember the movie in Indiana Jones--"THE LAST CRUSADE" ? He had to cross from one side to the other side. Between the two points there is a bottomless pit. When he took the first step into the empty space, there was an invisible bridge that was now visible that connecting the two sides. The bridge was there all the time; it became visible to Dr. Jones after he took the first step. Life is like that, when you take the step to the unknown...a leap of faith ...we soon discover there is a bridge that have been there all the while You just have to have faith. When you commit and take a leap to an invisible force is there with you guiding you to the unknown guiding you across the point where you are now to the other side where you dream lie ahead. What I don't understand is why people choose unhappiness? They purposely choice the wrong people for themselves. They want love, they want someone to read to them, stroke their hair, write letter and poetry. Yet they pick someone who does none of that. They don't know what they want. If you know what you want, really know what you want. Why hesitate. It is like buying a car or a house. If you know what you want and you see it, would you hesitate? Not me, I would put a down payment. Everyone wants someone with passion.

Once upon a time not so long ago there was this man who met this extraordinary woman, she was simple, honest, down-to-earth and loved life. She believed in fate, destiny, and love. It had been so long since he believed in those things. He had forgotten, like a dream he once had as a little boy. Something that started in his childhood that over the years it slowly disappeared through hurt and disappointment, then came this woman who had awaken him from him deep sleep. She given him dreams back. Something he forgot that was a part of him. That made him who he was, that had been buried for so long. She taught him in diversity comes life's lessons and that's where you learn, learn to grow. Deep down inside, he still believed in fate, destiny, and soul mate. But it had become part of his fantasy world that no longer belonged in reality, like when you make a birthday wish before you blow out the candles. If you say your wish out loud it wouldn't come true. He did meet his soul mate but he was afraid, you ask, how do you know? Of course the answer is "you just know", and it's different for everyone, some say. If you can't imagine your life without that person in it. For me it was the moment when she looked at me and I felt her looking right through to my soul. When I looked at her I could see a mirror of myself through her eyes. Along with the feeling safe and secure, that no matter what happens or what's happening at the time everything will be OK. It's stronger than attraction, stronger than chemistry, more than romance, it's a strong connection that seems so familiar even though you never felt it before, it's when you let go of all your insecurities and have so much faith in yourself and the other person, you know, when you are awaken to all the possibilities that you never even thought of. You know, when you are with that person, they bring out the best in you. You know, when you admire that person so much that you want to achieve those qualities that make them special, it was destiny to meet my soul mate, it was fate that we were on life's different paths. Love had brought me humor, candlelight, fun, adventure, poetry, art, music great sex, home cooked meals and long conversation. But what is did more than anything else is to love myself even more

I do see inside your heart and soul and cherish all that it holds. I love you completely. How do I survive some days you ask? There's both a joy and sadness in finding you. I knew right away that you were the one that I wanted to share my life with. It all seemed so clear. We are two hearts beating as one and yes I do feel you there with me at night in my heart and soul but I miss not feeling your body next to mine. Until that day I will never feel complete. I need to be with you. I know you are frightened to let go (I just feel it in my soul) because I too have the same fears but for each passing day that we go on like this we are missing out on another special day. I believe that once we are together we will celebrate each and every day for the greatest treasure in life is the love that we share for each other. Let me in where I want to be I promise you. Trust me with your heart. I'm here to bring you happiness. I will never break your heart so please take a chance on me. The past has left it's scars, it's time for us to watch them disappear for in our future there is so much love, peace, and happiness. I want us to be your lover, your best friend, your dreams, fantasies; I want to be your everything


PART 39

Some people say that there is always one person in every relationship that loves just a little more then the other. I guess I am to be that one. If you only knew how hard it was to open my heart up and take this chance of getting hurt again. I don't know what to say. I am having a rough time with emotions I can't stop the tears and I don't want anyone around me to see. I want you totally and completely and unless you will give that to me then I would have to let go. Will you do that for me? I will not settle for half a loaf. I want not to share not only in your happiness but I want to feel whatever pains you as well. If something is hurting you, it's hurting me too. You have to share with me everything, as I would want to share with you. Cherish and respect but never feel that you need to have to sugar coat your words for me.

I don't understand what is happening to me. I am hurting so much insides. Everything I feel for you has taken over my entire mind, body and soul. Was it wrong for me to share what my heart feels for you? I don't know how to guard my feelings and even if I could that would not be me. Am I still this naive little man that others still see in me and try to protect? It matters not where and how I found. The only thing that matters is that you are the one, the only woman I will ever want to be with forever. I know I can't tell this to the entire world quite yet but my love, you should surely know. Have I made this entire thing up in my mind? You have captured my heart and soul completely and I will love you always. All I will ever want from you is your honesty. If you do not feel in your heart that I am not your everything please tell me. The greatest pain is not knowing the truth. I have no idea what your daily life consists of. I want to know everything there is to know about the woman I have already fallen so deeply in love with. If I am to be hurt by you, that too I should be told. I miss you so and wish we were together right now. Only when our bodies are pressed up together will I feel the complete peace and happiness I believe belongs to us. Tell me something, anything, I need to hear words from your heart. Is the woman that I am in love with real or have I just had the most beautiful dream that stays with me always? You are my dream; you are the woman I love. I guess the question is whether or not you believe in our love as much as I do. Today continues to be a rough one.

People are not committed in finding love. My opinion is that if people are not so committed to love as they are. They should treat you with respect as they would a customer if they had their own business. Do you think a person who come late to see a client expect to keep their job, NO! Do you think a person who doesn’t treat their customer with care and respect will have a job. People don’t treat you like they would treat a client of there…why? They are committed to MONEY. Not Love. They respect money. Most value money and will treat someone with respect and care when that person has control over their rice bowel. But for love they would be come late to a date, don’t return phone calls. If it was someone who that control their job, that is another story. Constant excuse of their unreliable behavior is a red flag in my book. How someone shows you their love is an indication of what they think of you. How someone spend their money on you tell you something about how they feel about you. Money and love go hand and hand. If they have money and not spend something on you. That tells you about how they feel about you. It not the money, it’s the way that person show that you are special or at least thinking about you. If they can not show that you are special when will they. It doesn’t take that much. They can write a letter or even get a card or a book. You know what else I hate. I hate people who just disappear or don’t return phone calls. People will go to any length to not deal with confrontation because they can not bear the thought of being disliked. They are cowards. Getting into an argument with someone tell you a lot them. If winning an argument is more important that you and they scream at you get away from that person.


PART 40

True freedom comes not from controlling the other but in surrendering. Both people must surrender and must treat their mate's surrender with the tenderness and seriousness it deserves. Both encourage the other to fly. Both stay grounded and supportive in case the other needs help. It takes someone truly special, truly enlightened to understand what I've been talking about. There has been "a woman" in my heart for so long now. I can't put a face to her, but I can tell you what she is like. She loves me, not unconditionally, but completely. It is up to me to allow her to love me. And it is up to her to allow me to love her. There is no one-sidedness with this love. It ebbs and flows from one to the other, needing and giving, growing and completing, almost with a life of its own. Others see and don't understand. Others might even try to break it up. But they are unsuccessful. In their ignorance and blindness they do not realize that they have no power with us. We don't care about their opinions of whether we are "right" for each other. We know, as surely as we know that the sun will come up in the morning, we know. No politics, no nasty little schemes, no dishonesty from them affects us. We know. Others may hate us for what we have, but we feel sorry for them.

Do you ever feel like your thoughts are thrashing around in your mind and you feel as if eventually you are just going to explode? I think my soul is on overload and so my cup continues to runt over. I long for a balance for my energy. I long to feel that place of calm and a sense of tranquillity. Do you every feel this way too? You just want to feel at peace and in balance with the world. Do you ever have these tantrums and fits of unknowing, like you just want to gain control of your emotions and what is happening when there is really no control over it. Do you ever feel like you just want it all to happen today, this second and then everything would be okay? Often I have these tantrums of impatience and then I realize that it is the day to day decisions that I have come so far in the growth of my soul and it is about evolution and not grasping for control. I think that my father instilled this in my head, he has to have control over everything and have everything within his grasp. I think a lot of my inner anxiety stems from my childhood and my trying to please my Dad and my Mom also. As time has progressed he has lightened up, however I still carry around this intimidation factor. I keep wondering if I am a man of substance and what it would mean to be such a man. If there is truth behind each and every word that I am saying and that I write on the page. I wonder sometimes if there is any substance to anything and if anyone could really trust anybody. It is so awful out there that we really never know who we can trust. I guess we have all been lied to and cheated so often that there is really no way of knowing who would be a woman of substance. I think that the older I get, the less I really care about the masses and the more I really care about becoming this man of substance. I think we all have this vision about honesty and that we would like everyone to be honest with us and yet when we are truly honest or someone is honest with us we still question it knowing that in the past people have lied to us. In-as-much-as feelings are not a tangibility I almost feel that often they are the most reliable source of what is really happening.

I have a tender heart and a large capacity for love. I love to give and receive affection publicly and privately touch and be touched compassionately. I want to explore another as if you are mine forever search our souls and fly together. We will appreciate everything about each other even our quirks and idiosyncrasies. If we are to be lovers we must first strip our souls to build a bond with each other. I am not afraid of this anymore I am completely and entirely vulnerable to the caring gentle loving woman that should step forward. Will you build a life with me? Will you gently take your time in evolving into being at one with me? Will you cherish me my soul, pained by the past but willing to hang from the cliff naked for this chance for true love at last? The best relationships I have come to know, involve non-resistance and a vulnerable "letting go" I am willing to open the doors now to let you begin walking through be kind and gentle thus, I will know that it is you. The Rose to me is a sign of spiritual unity. Its roots are planted in the earth and it's petals touch heaven divinely, it's stem constitutes our Lifetime and yes, it has thorns but, together we can reach the sky and come closer to divinity Are you afraid that what you are reading could not possibly be true? As my palsied hands write this letter I tell you that I share your fears too. Let your fears subside my love because I can tell you that I have been waiting my entire lifetime for you. I have spoken to you in my dreams and endlessly awake to an empty bed without you. Will you walk out of my dream now? Into my life to share your rose too? Your eyes will be the windows that I will view. When the time is right I will gaze upon them and into them to see that you hold the missing piece of me as I am you LOVE it always escapes me. Without Love these things really are not what they could be.

My heart, I love you. I can not explain what mysterious powers brought us together or how many wrong turns I had to make in order to get here, but darling, I am so glad that I did. Before you, my heart ached for love, but not just any love. I was longing for your love sweetheart. I was longing for you. I long for you each day, each hour, and every minute that passes by. I fear only one thing and that is to hurt you. I know the pain of losing and I know the pain that comes along with disappointment. I know this all too well. For some reason, I know deep inside my heart that you are the only one for me. I must admit that I can not wait for our blessed union. I have wasted too much time with others and I do not want to loose the only thing that I have ever dreamed of you. When we meet, will you hold me close? Will you kiss me passionately? What will we do? I have longed to be with someone who would give me all that I ever wanted in life and you already know what I want I can not wait for those long walks in the park with you, my love. It is strange how may times I walked through that park wondering when you would come running to me with arms wide open just to take me right then and there. God, how I would love to feel you at this moment. Someone once told me that longing makes the heart grow fonder. If that is true, then my heart has grown so large I can not contain it. I need to share this love with you. I need you. Not just now, but always. My love do not be sad for we will be together soon. We have always been together. It was a matter of following your heart and listening to those little guardian angles that speak to us. It is through the grace of God that we are no longer lost in the world because we have found each other.


PART 41


I can not wait for those long walks in the park with you, my love. It is strange how may times I walked through that park wondering when you would come running to me with arms wide open just to take me right then and there. God, how I would love to feel you at this moment. Someone once told me that longing makes the heart grow fonder. If that is true, then my heart has grown so large I can not contain it. I need to share this love with you. I need you. Not just now, but always. My love do not be sad for we will be together soon. We have always been together. It was a matter of following your heart and listening to those little guardian angles that speak to us. It is through the grace of God that we are no longer lost in the world because we have found each other.

Fairytales are for children. Love affairs are for strangers, but we are hardly strangers. We have always existed. We transcend time, space and all other boundaries. Let us unite and spend the rest of our lives together each word I utter, each word I write, they are all for you my love. They are not fiction, but fact. The truth. And as I tell you the truth, I must confess that I too run the risk of having my heart broken, but I have already taken that step off of that "safe place.” My doubts are only associated with past experiences and as a result I have put walls around my heart to protect myself from further pain. I feel those walls crumbling leaving what was meant to be there for you and only you. My heart is yours darling, take it with care for I have never totally given it to anyone. Hold it dear for I only want tenderness. Give me your love as I have already given it to you. I will always be true to you my love. Let me grow with you and I will be sure to share all of life's joys with you. Take part in my sadness and I will partake in yours. Give me your honesty, loyalty and trust and I will cherish it always. Do not cry my love for we are to be united soon. I love you now and have always loved you.

When we meet, I am unsure of how I will act. Will I be intimidated by your intense stare? Will you run and hide from the sight of me? I am also a confident person, but when something as intense as this consumes me, I do not know how to react. Fate has brought us here to this very moment. Let's not pass up this precious gift. Let's embrace it. Let's take it up and be each other's hopes, dreams and everything. I am not one to make promises and break them. Because of this, I promise to love you with all my heart. If you believe in our love, I would like for you to do something for me. There is a book called, "Random Acts of Kindness." Please read it and tell me what you think. If you choose to purchase the book, I would like for you to buy it at a partiular store. It is not a game, it's an adventure that I would like you to take. You know, I live for those meant to be moments. I thrive on the idea that someone out there was made for me. I know this deep in my heart that it was you. Why do you deny our union? Do you think that something better might come along? You see, that is the mentality that most people have. I for one have never liked that idea. I think that waiting around for a better offer to come along, while toying with another's emotions is completely wrong. I know how it feels and I have yet to do it to someone.I know that you are with me always, but I need to feel your touch. To feel your lips on mine. To feel your tongue in my mouth and in other areas of my body. Do you know that I want to kiss you from head to toe? I do not want to neglect any part of you. I want to explore your body as if it was a treasure. I will do all that I can for someone whom I love. As my bestfriend, my lover, my partener for all time I want to be patient with you. I want to let you know me to the fullest extent of the word. Oh my love, I love you utterly and completely. I love you without inhibitions. I want to be a part of your life and to make you a part of mine. Will you be the last person I date and the first and only person I marry? I suppose that only time can tell, but in my mind I know it's true.




CHAPTER 10: TRYING TO GET A LITTLE BIT CLOSER TO YOU

My pages and pages of beautiful journals are not all about sex, but the bottom line here SEX. The ultimate surrender of the body and heart is sex. Sex is not a 'price to pay' it's a beautiful gift, given in love. Sex grows out of love, not love out of sex. It is the most amazing and 'oneing' experience. I am done with 'sowing my oats' I am not interested in casual sex. I too want my next partner to be the one I am with for a lifetime and will not give it away to the wrong person. So I must know that it is you. To be honest I am not sure what it will take to convince me of that for I will test your integrity in this. Will you be afraid of truth and run before we have the time to find out? Will you honor my needs, as one who truly loves me will? Are we equal in this as you want... two people who are both giving all they have to give and caring for the other. The past is important to a soul's growth. The past is a factor to us all. It can't be eliminated from our minds and souls. Should we disregard those people that have been hurt because they are holding the past too closely? Should we try to help those people overcome, to believe that not everyone has the same sets of values and priorities, thus allowing them to let go of the past. What if everything you yourself ever wanted were right in front of you, but you didn't feel it was worth one final attempt at convincing me that you are sincere, understanding person? I am still looking for someone who will stand behind what they say they stand for. So will you? Will you take the extra time to convince me that you are her? You see surrender is about so much more than sex. You are surrendering to each other's lives and the people in each other's lives. Surrender must be mutual. Yes, a real prices to pay. Sex cannot be the bottom line. Put is part of it. Can you prove that you are really she? For the woman I describe is the ONE I have waited for all my life. Remember the song. "Show me the way" by Styx? 'And if I see the light, should I believe? Tell me, how will I know? " It's talking about heaven or God and all the disillusions of this life that make one no longer believe, but I do believe the song could also be an illustration of what we seek. Come, my love, let me show you the way. And that song "Everything I Do" I do it for you Bryan Adams- "Look into my eyes, you will see what you mean to me. Search your heart, search your soul and when find me there you'll search no more. Don't tell me it's not worth fighting for " so my love, search no more! Fight with me for this. The thing we've both waited all our lives for.? "Save the best for last says it too. " It's not the way I hoped or how I planned, but somehow it's enough. Just when I thought our chance had passed you go and save the best for last. Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see." Just Open your eyes my love, it is me and if you cannot open your eyes and see that it is me and do all that you can to show me that you are 'he' then I guess you are not him. Or the song 'Destiny by Jim Brickman. Yes you see I am a hopeless romantic too. Will you be my destiny... can you, will you? Show me you are who you say you are because you expect me to show that I am who you are looking for... don't be afraid Remember.... "Let GO, LET GOD" Can you too meet the demands that love requires.... For Love like God demands all sacrifice. Ultimately LOVE like God will be the judge. So what's it going to be. Can you deal with the truth? The TRUTH of love... is you true...



PART 42

I don't go to the bar there are only lonely people there looking for the wrong things, I will not be with anyone who wants to be with anyone other than me. I've been waiting for the right person to open my heart & soul. Someone to look into my eyes and say, "I LOVE YOU", with no hesitation. Someone to share my fears, doubts, and joys with. Why always the wrong choices in life? Why so much time spent on the wrong woman? Why couldn't I find someone to love me for me? (Who I've been, am now, and will become?). My soulmate will have the answers, to my questions. "I walk alone through this lonely world, wondering if I have failed at love. If I have failed in loving the woman I worship. For she does not know the pain I feel for the both of us. I lay my head on my tear-drenched pillow, dreaming of her in the arms of another. I can no longer contain all this hurt inside my scathing heart. The despair and anguish I feel at losing the LOVE of my LIFE. The love I have for her is so pure and innocent; yet tainted by the touch she gives to another. LOVE IS GENTLE, LOVE IS KIND, LOVE IS GIVING, LOVE IS QUICK TO FORGIVE, LOVE IS MOTIVATING, LOVE IS RESPECTFUL, LOVE IS ACCEPTING, LOVE MENDS WOUNDS, AND LOVE ENDURES ALL THAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER. For the woman who understands and appreciates my words, will be the woman I spend eternity with. A look, a touch, a caress carefully placed begins to raise the temperature between us. The thought of what is to come has begun to take effect. Our hearts are now racing and our breath is getting short. A burning is growing within us. We feel a growing jealousy for the clothes on our lover's back. The clothes are able to touch, caress and rub places in public we dare not touch. How much longer must we wait? Can we duck into some place fast, know that would not be enough. Therefore, we wait, impatiently until we can be as one again. We struggle to be free of the clothes we once were jealous of. They lay discarded around us like the impostors that tried to fool our hearts in the past. We are finally free of everything that tried to keep us apart. We touch and the fire that has been gently kindled since we first kissed bursts into a flame that threatens to consume us. However, like the Phoenix we rise from the flames stronger and renewed. We stay close as we gently stroke each other. We look into each other's eyes and just that contact begins to again kindle the fire that burns in us continuously. As we slowly explore the husks that cover our souls, a feather like touch here, a gentle kiss placed on sensitive skin. Once again, the flames erupt around us and we lose control, our instincts take over. Plans that have been made are canceled; time is put on hold. We continue our exploration but we never get too far before the heat between us takes over. Our souls know each other because they have been together before, in time. I hope my vision of our first kiss is not too bold for you. We will know each other well before that meeting takes place.

I talk of opening my soul and each word I write is the truth that seeps through from within. No cautions, no thinking, no pre enactment of what is to be said and what it would mean-just the flow, nude exposure to my soul. Than let me believe and take away all that wraps me, all that are rules, guides to being who I am when facing the world. Sitting here, familiar with restlessness by my ever-wandering mind (sleepless nights), I went on the most familiar journey of all love. Ever since I can remember I have already known what that would be, my world of fantasy and dreaming grew with me as I grew but it has never changed in meaning of what is love. It begin from the simplest form in a child's mind, pure and untouched by the world to now, experienced with what my age allowed me but never a bit of doubt or rust in my believe of love. The child dream evolves to become part of the world strengthened by what I see pollutes it, deepened even more by what has shown against it. Why, because love is simple-it is what it is and only becomes labeled, analysis, presumed, because one forgets, loses touch with one's purest from when they learn the complexities of the world? A person slows down in spiritual growth as they mature because issues in life take over child's boundless free absorbency; it warps them into a slow process of facing the mechanics, the break down to reason after reason. Many lost that freedom to float in a mental realm that children can. It is not bad nor unnatural but only sad when basic things such as love, friendship, basic emotions becomes the product, process of analytical things, in parallel to the person?s physical experience in society and not to themselves. Love becomes not the simple reality it is but the thinking, assumption, endless product to what the present environment, situation molds it to be. One will never find love if one has judged it, placed it in correlation to anything. Love than becomes a desire one wishes to feel. If one wish to feel for something than one often hunts it, creates it thus they go on an endless journey to always perfecting something when it needs no perfection, it is simple and available to anyone who let themselves see it. When it is seen, known than it becomes as natural as breathing. When one finds the person that they love, everything that person does has no desire for a return but done only because they love the other. To expect or desire a partner for something has already put a wish, goal to obtain. Love have no mission, it is natural and when two people are really the one for each other, the shared free flow would naturally placed them on a spiritual journey. They experience the ride in the mind, the growth on that very personal, individual instinct (I don't know how to describe). The two becomes one because they fell in tune in that private, unique and only their world, space, spirit. This in a bond that can not be broken from anything because nothing can touch or even come near it, this is the only place for two minds, souls travel as one.

It is hard for me to find the words that will express what I feel. Feelings are both larger and deeper than words. Perhaps that is why it takes so many words to try to express a feeling. I am in a physical state of distraction. My heartbeats faster, my skin tingles, and my mind wanders. I am relieved, and excited, calm, and frantic. You are there. You exist. So many times I doubted. So many times I wondered if we would ever meet. I have loved before, felt the need and drive to be with someone. I even believed sometimes that I had found the real thing. But it never worked out. And this is where I feel so hopeful about us. I believe we have both learned. Learned to truly love and give and share. Learned to be partners not just roommates. I mentioned before my quest to truly open myself up if I were really going to spend my life with you, I would need to stop holding back. Stop protecting myself. I embarked on the hardest thing I have ever done. I stripped off all my defenses learned to give not just my heart but my soul.


PART 43

We have both opened our souls to the world. We have grown strong but not sheltered. And so we can connect with depth and truth. We are in the same place. We match. We are together. Love each other; love the world around us. Loving will allow us to live a most extraordinary existence. We will experience the turning of the planets and the cycles of energy that make the mountains rise, the sea flow, and the wind blow. We will create new life with our own. Plant seeds, nurture the infant creatures and love them as we love each other. I am impatient for our physical contact but I relish our spiritual connection. I have read your words. Words that can only partially express a soul. But I can see where the words come from. And I know they come from a heart that is forever joined to mine. We will be one. We are mind body soulmates. I believe in all that is good and true and you embody that for me. I love you

I remembered a few years ago, I drove outskirts of my hometown in the evening. Drove in the moonlight with no cars, no people around out there. Feel alone and need to time away from the world and sad to believe that I am remained loner there is no one I meet yet like me. Thinking how I was getting so tired of seeing people look after other people for their looks, their paychecks, whatever they look at. They don't ever look in their heart and their souls. . I knew right from the beginning I was different than most of people. Once in a while I get so mad at myself wish I would be a bit tougher and meaner perhaps but I couldn't. I can't pretend to be somebody else to be accepted in the society. I showed my mask as who I am from the inside. I showed on the both side inside and the outside through my eyes. I want to love her (soulmate) to pour in beautiful flow of my extremely love all around her. In my heart automatic make our relationship feel like being in paradise. Wanting to put my both arms around her who lies next to me. Admire at her while she's still asleep. Holding her. Feel warms against her body. Show her all of my loves where she sees nothing is hidden from him. Feel trust me and nothing to worry about me being unfaithful him. I want to open everything to her, every corners of my heart. All of my beauty, sexually, my body, my heart all belong only to her.

My love as the minutes pass I think of the day when we will be with each other. Holding hands frolicking in the park. Making everyone green with envy. Oh to be so in love, that you breathe every breath of fresh air for the one you care and love for so much. That you breathe a sigh of relief every time you think of them, hear their voice, kiss their lips, see the face of the only one you know that your heart belongs to. The only person that can make you take a step back and thank god for sending them to you. Honey you take my breath away. There is nothing that I wouldn't do to earn and keep your love, trust, friendship and respect. In short there is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. I pray to god every night for three things. One that he gives me guidance in all decisions that I make and show me the error of my ways. Two that she love and protect you and our children as he has me. And last that he take my life in exchange of yours when our time has come because I know that I would not be able to go on without you. As I sit here tears falling from my eyes my heart so completely open and vulnerable to you and only you I write from my heart. My heart has never felt such joy and pain at one time. I always dreamed that I would find someone like you. I dreamed that god would send me a woman so perfect in my eyes that I would be lost. Lost in your arms, your eyes your mind. Lost in the core of your being, your soul. Lost in your never-ending sea of love and devotion. I dreamed that you would be the one that I shared my life with and gave my heart to, my first and only love in every sense on the word. Some times things don't always work out the way that you plan because God has a mater plan for you, I?m will just be forever grateful to him that his mater plan for me included you. I sat in my room dark, naked, and alone with only this paper and pen to guide me to you. I sat with only the light from within my heart and I let it guide my pen in this letter to you sat and wrote down everything that my heart was feeling for you and everything that it wanted you to know. It was truly a remarkable experience one that seemed so familiar and one that I hope to experience with you some day. Will you open up to me? As I sit here in this quite place within so peaceful, calm, and serene. I can just picture us in love. Caring and sharing with each other as we have never done before. I can vividly see the future, our future together. I can see clearly from the first time we meet, the first time we make love to each other, Our Wedding Day, the day that we celebrate the arrival of our first child into the world of love that we have created, to the first time that we see what we have bought forth in this world. I can see us spending our golden years together (A little less hair, fewer teeth, a little slower in the bedroom) still so much in love. I so look forward to a future with you unlike anything that I could have ever imagined.

Will you reach out to me and show me your naked self. Will you feel safe enough in my arms to reveal yourself to me? I know that you?re afraid. Afraid that I might hurt you. I know that you are fragile, and vulnerable. Won't you show me what frightens you, so that we might weather the storm together? I want to be the one that kisses all the bad things away and makes everything all better; I want to be the only one who can help you with out doing anything in particular, just by being. I want you to feel that when you?re in my arms your safe. There is no reason for you to fear abandonment anymore because I?ll never leave you. That's the very first promise that I ever made to you do you Why would I reject you I LOVE YOU to much for that. Don't fear me, move close to me, and expose yourself to me completely. I beg you to smother me with your gentleness, kindness, honesty and your love. It's what I've waited for all my life. Why would I run away from the only person other than God who has loved me his whole entire life? I will give you everything; every part of me all I want from you is your love in return. Please don't push me away or out of your life, instead embrace me with every inch and curve of your body. I want us to keep our life together exciting. I never want us to take advantage of each other. I want our love to be a healthy balanced giving relationship. I will always want to be at the center of your attention, the one who lingers in your mind and tickles your very essence of your imagination. I hope to always be the only man in your life who can continually catch your eye, in a room full of people. I want us to be so close that we can feel each other from across the world. I will always want you, your smile, your touch, your kiss, your love and your pussy. You will always be the only woman in the world for me, because no one could ever compare to you. Your love is like sweet nectar from the ripest strawberry My body wants things from you that my mind can't even put into thoughts, that my mouth can't even articulate. Let me bring you home, to me. All I want is your love, never-ending and everlasting. Trust in me as your other half. For I truly understand and love your fragile personality. You do not play second string in my life. I have and will always see you as my future wife. Let me heal the pain that you have in your heart. Please don't be insecure. I feel your pain, I will cry your tears, my love please just understand that you no longer have to do it alone anymore. I love you and I don't care what you say, it will ever change that. You may subconsciously try to sabotage us but our love will prevail.


PART 44


I have pledged my love to you in so many ways and I will never take back how I feel in my heart and soul for they belong to you. Let me use a movie that might give you an idea of what I am feeling.... 9 1/2 weeks...remember that line,"how did you know?" she asks him this after she is consumed with him, she can't escape the power that he holds that controls her every move. How strange for me to be thinking this thought at this moment but it's one of jealousy for at least she has touched this man that has captured her completely. In the end she must leave in order to save herself. When she walks out the door, he then admits to himself how much he really does love her but she is gone from his life for the rest of time. There's a sequel to that movie, have you ever seen it? It's a sad story for he spends the rest of his life in search for her, as he will never find a love that would compare. He searches the world and discovers that she had moved many years ago to Europe, she could not stay. The pain was too deep, when he finally arrives at the address he has for her it is only to find that she is gone. She had died during that year and the only thing a friend could share with him was a story she had told of a love that she once had, she shut out the world and remained alone. How sad to see that two people in love destroyed what they had to spend the rest of their lives lonely for each other for they both knew that no other would ever make them feel complete. As sensual as the movie is there is a lesson that goes along as well. I never seem to let go of the ending for it hurt to watch how something you want can be destroyed. I would never hurt you, you know I never could. I was there at one time and it took me so long to find my way back. Please understand I believe in my heart and soul that you are my soulmate that I have always been in search for, which makes it all the more reason why we must get together. It's for both of us sweetheart, we know this is true. I don't want to just tell you, I need to show you. We have nothing to loose, only to gain. Nothing could go wrong love; we have already touched each other in a way that most will never do. It's all positive either way, we have found a love so deep inside and that will always be who we are to each other for we are truly mirror images, one in the same. Fear not your soulmate for we are two souls merging as one.Our souls have mingled and intertwined. At this time in our lives we have found the strength in each other that will get us through this lifetime and the next. You are my love of a lifetime. You have made my life worth living. My only wish is that in some way I do the same for you. Before you I was content being alone but I have found my complimenting soul, and that is you my love, I need you. I want to be the one that causes you to release that cringe of a smile and sees that glimmer of hope in your eyes. I want to be the one who sheds an amazing light to that area of your life where darkness has been the ruler. I am hungry for you. Hungry for everything that you have to offer, everything that you are. The woman, the body, the human, and the soul. I want to get to know you as well as you have gotten to know me. I want to know your inner secrets, your inner intricacies. I will lean on you, draw from your strength. Are you willing to take advantage of all that my love has to offer? Will you see the look of love in my eyes? The look of forever in the first time that we make love to each other? The first time that our bodies intertwine and melt into one? I'm ready to take a leap of faith are you? Are you willing to follow and fulfill your destiny with me?

Sometimes I watch people on bookstores. I watch so quietly that I do not move for fear of people noticing me. Not because I am shy, but because I want to not ruin the moment. I see people's flirting energy and wonder what they are thinking. I love to see people's reading material and wonder who they are what experiences shaped them and why are they at the bookstore. Enjoy every moment and live experiences that are helping me to see who I am. We must let go of the ones that are not the ones, even if it hurts in order to let the one in. I have learned that a man must always let go when the woman he is with is not in it a 100%. I have learned that a woman who truly loves a man has no boundaries, no limits, no excuses, and no obstacles to be with him if he is the one. There are no second guesses when she knows is a healthy and equal relationship (in terms of what is shared not earned). I want that and I am not going to settle even if it takes me a long time. In the meantime, I will enjoy life. I love walking on the streets of New York City while eating a nice, very hot slice of pizza. Cannot explain why, but that makes me happy. I bounce like a little boy. No soda needed. Just the slice of pizza. I love adventures and I am not afraid of going to the ocean on a Sunday night on a very cold and snowy day. It took me a long time to learn how to live on a very superficial world, however I am still learning about Superficial World 101. Eyes are my favorite and usually find a lot about people through their eyes. I have very expressive eyes and is difficult for me to lie or hide. "Windows of the soul", I know the meaning quite well, and while reading about what you had to say, Tennessee William came to mind and I am not sure why. I have to keep thinking about this one. Hum, not sure... What do I want? I love the meaning of this word and even the sound of it. I want to be held gently and passionately at the same time. I want to be able to communicate and be communicated to. I want someone who is not afraid to say whatever she thinks. I want to be with someone who respects me the same way I respect them. I love truth. I trust more when truth is spoken. People tend to hide behind diplomacy. I believe in compassion. I am not the kind to sit around and wait for someone to take care of me, however I dream of someone wanting that for me. In the meantime, I will continue to eat my slice of pizza and living a wonderful life. May be one day I will see you at the Barrens and Nobles cafe, close to the magazines reading and wondering if I am going to sit right next to you.

Honey, I can't wait for your body. I want to speak and meet privately. I am looking forward to having more of you to Love as well as what we have here in our secret garden. I think sometimes people are afraid to bear too much in fear of losing the "sizzle" or the novelty. I think that it is best to bear all in effort to reach a certain place of comfort and protection. It is only then that inhibition may be lost only when you rely solely on trust. I can only equate it to the exercise of eyes closed and falling backward into the arms of another...by letting go we are trusting in each other and therefore better able to become open honest and uninhibited. I think it all stems from the non-judgmental, open and honest way in which we choose to conduct our relationship. I see no other way. With this we are always allowed to be ourselves and never worry about having to be anything other than who we are. I love this and want this forever my love. I hope that we may continue in our Love in this fashion...it could only get better. There are so many ways to please you when you are open about what you need. It becomes easier and easier as you open the door for me...the light is shining in brighter every day...can you see it sweetheart


PART 45


The Gods are crying today in our magic garden. They cry for us for they can feel the strength and the bond between two souls who continue to long for each other. Our love is so strong my dear. It embraces my every thought my every action and my every desire. I am here often now, in our secret garden, at every given opportunity, day and night. Each day my love for you grows stronger. I remedy all by loving you harder and more (if that is possible) How I long for the day when our bodies become one, how I long for that place in time when our secret garden comes alive, our hearts dance and our souls collide. My love cans you even imagine what you mean to me? Have you any idea how long I have waited and the countless hours I have spent hoping and praying for any kind of sign of your existence? I see how impatient we have become now but we are so close my love can you see this? Our time away from each other now is a mere blink in time compared to what has seemed a lifetime spent apart. Just the very knowledge of your existence makes my heart feel warm and my body tingle with excitement and anticipation. I love you more than you could ever know. You have already shown me a world that I have never known...a love that far exceeds any dream or fantasy that I have ever had. Can you see how easy this makes it for me to love you? I know that I could never love anyone as I love you. You make me feel beautiful and protected...you appeal to the little girl in me who wants to please you so. I love our secret garden. I now know where to go to feel close to you...books of Love and Poetry come alive for me now they dance before my eyes and soothe my longing soul. As I continue to shed my skin for you, replace the old with the new. I no longer want to look back my Love. I only look ahead into our life and leave the rest behind in my memoirs. I realize it is always important to remember where you've been however, I know that I could never take the Love that we share for granted in any way. I feel blessed that it has been given to us and I can think of no other more worthy recipients. We will cherish it always, protect it and nurture it...continue to nourish our souls and watch them grow. My Love, you are an incredible woman. I love you so, I wish you could look into eyes as I say "I Love You" then you could know that I mean this from the bottom of my soul. I could never think of turning back. My family sees the strength and determination in my eyes. They are proud of me for being true to my heart and standing tall in what I believe in. It is so easy now, with you holding my hand. It becomes so clear to me each day what I must do. I just open my heart and my soul up to the Gods and they lead me where I need to go. I have to do is listen and not resist their words. It is happening, as it should my love, yes our patience continues to be a problem and our flesh bleeding and aching for the touch of the other. I will probably faint at the sight of you. Lose my mind when we finally do come together. Will you mind? I don't know what I will do. How I will feel when I know that I am on my way to you. I want to be perfect for you. But, as I have said before all I am able to for you is to be myself...you have drawn out the magical side of me as only you could do, my soulmate. I want to fulfill your every need my Love...I love how you gently define each for me. So confidently and yet so gentle to show your appreciation when I have pleased you...It only makes it easier for me to Love you and give you more

I knew you were somewhere there in the cold air of New York City. Something different, something far, something so extremely knew, that it just felt like home I expected to see you round the next corner, sitting in your favorite caf?, reading your newspaper, looking up every now and then, as if to give me the sign: "Hey, you?re late. Come in", and then to smile at me like you always do when I am late, because there are so many fascinating things to see, so many things I try to remember in order to show them to you. I knew you would see exactly what I wanted to show you, the same colors, the same shapes, the same beauty of the ordinary, of the strange, of the old and of the new. I knew you would be my silent friend, sitting on a gray beach and watching the clouds throw themselves into the sea. I know you would be my shining thunder, laughing and changing the rooms of our party like clothes, giving me a tender glance as you pour another glass of wine to one of our friends. I knew you would wake up in the middle in the night, having felt that I was watching you, overwhelmed by the affection of the moment. I missed the corner with the cafe, I was late. So I am still far, far away from you, but I know: you ARE. And you are here, lying next to me and sleeping. Should I wake you up?







THE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

Funny how I am so sleepless tonight I still find my self-drawing closer to you my soulmate. I know I seem unreal, you perhaps even think I'm not, if we meet and we sleep together, does this mean I am your my last? Are you one hundred percent going to surrender to me? I hope you will and not hurt me and leave. Where will we meet? What will we do? Shall I come to you or you come to me? Do you know I am falling in love with you and your beauty has hypnotized me? I cry and break very easily. I do not wish our lives to end at this journey without finding our way into each others arms for the first and very last time of searching, help us find our way. I pray every weekend. Perhaps this will be my last prayer for this and then I can change it to thank you. Goodnight and know I am with you even though I am not there. Feel me wrapped around you. I'm holding you so tight, smell my hair. That is what I smell like. Aside form the obsession i. however if you loved me you would even loves me on the days I go with out, you'd love my own natural smell. My pheromones however you spell it! I hope you fall in love with me. Can you see the beauty in me?



PART 46


I was at the coffee shop, but you didn't see me. I was too far away, and you were too busy paying your bill to see me. I was hoping our eyes would meet, but you had left. I wanted to say hello, but you were gone lost among the people. What, you were in New York City? Then that was I in the subway station. I did not notice you were there looking out the window until I got off and you had stayed on. I tried to get back on, but the doors had closed, and away you had gone again. I remember you even looking up to see me and said, "Hi" through the glass window. I was left sad only hoping that I would see you again. You say your feeling lost without me? As I page through the many faces of the women I find you here n ot once but twice. Did you read how I missed you, and my heart breaks to know the pain your feeling, as I feel it too. I was there when you woke me up, but I was not lying next to you. Nearby, after feeling your sweet touch, I woke and knew you
were near. We have come so close and never met. We share dreams and fears and tears and laughs. We sleep under the same moon, feel the same rain, we like the same songs and read the same books. Perhaps we've exchanged glances, smiles. Maybe we've passed on the street, the train, we met in Greece, or was it China. I forget now it has been so long, perhaps it was in Ireland or London or Mexico. Some where I was traveling, I remember you being there. You probably did not want to talk to me then because you saw me with "her". In my heart, I know you so well. I know how you like your coffee and which are your favorite dresses are, I know where you like to go when you want privacy and which section of the newspaper you read first. I know yo u so well, and yet I do not know your face, your name. Why are you taking so long to approach me? The days pass, and I wait, but you haven't yet come. Do you know where to find me, I wonder? You will find me, and I will wait. When the time is right, we will come together, never again to be parted.

If I am not what you seek, know he is out there just like mine is somewhere, from now on I will not only pray that I find mine each night but I will pray that you find yours as well. I know what my soulmate is like and I know what I want and need from her. I have no idea if that person is you or if I am meant to find her now. She out there, when I know in my heart she is, I have been told by friends that I should let go of this dream this fantasy, this obsession if you will but deep in my heart in a place they cannot touch she lives. I visit her each night before I fall asleep. I have done this since I was a child. So I know she is there, somewhere. My Lincoln Center Ihave gone to those places many a times and walked and walked and wondered "did I just pass her and not know it"? Is she on the fountain today?" Would I know her if I saw her?" Would I feel her" and each time I would take my long walks or jogs my heart would "surrender" as you say to she, whereever she was, and I would go on with my silent prayer? My life is different now. I once saw a shooting star and wished for her to come into my life, OK I think perhaps I have rambled enough I am sure by now you have made a mental decision about me already. I don't want to lead you on or give u the pretense that I am something or someone I am not so I have been totally honest here, I hope if nothing else you can appreciate that, and forgive me for
rambling or taking too much of your time. I think not to make a friend out of someone I have so much in common with would be foolish, I have been to Barnes & Noble to wait, for you I looked for you in all the cafes. You were no where to be f ound or to preoccupied to speak have spent my time in looking for you in galleries and museums, and still you were not there or did not speak. I searched for you in vane, telling myself that the timing was just not right, losing patients and faith I convinced myself that you simply did not exist, that I had become a casualty to Disney fairy tale romances. Disenchanted, I no longer go to my favorite places, not wanting to think of you...I have retreated to the solace of castle a sanctuary to regain and mend my empty heart.


It is very hard to be so far away from you. Every single day I am dreaming about our first meeting. About our first kiss and first hug. My hands are feeling so empty. I wish to touch you but I can't. Sometimes, when I am sleeping at night, I hold my pillow close by me, as it is you. many times I do cry. Cry cause you are there somewhee when I want you to be with me. When I want us to be together. I can't wait to have you by my side. To look at your eyes and to show you all my love that is growing stronger by each and every day. I can't wait to take walks with you and to laugh with you. I can't wait to get to know all of your friends and to see all these places so dear to you. To spend long days and nights in your arms. I want you to show me everything. I want to share everything with you. Everything what I am and everything what I know. I want to give you my love and to be there for you when you need me. To comfort you and to tell you how everything will be OK. I need you. I need you to hold me. I don't know what life is holding for us but I want to do my best to make it work. For you and me to be happy together. I have never felt so close to anyone as I do feel to you. You do always make me smile. And every single time when we do talk over computer or phone my heart is beating faster and I do feel happy as a little kid for Christmas:)

In my mind's eye I see her and I on our wedding day. Holding each other, singing to each other and crying as we have our first dance as husband and wife and knowing that our search is over because we are finally complete. I picture myself greeting her everyday when she comes home and I can feel her as we kiss and the loneliness of being away from each other all day fades away. I picture us cuddling and talking for hours and I picture me sitting in her lap while we watch the game on TV. I picture us walking hand in hand on the beach or in the snow and then making love. I picture the two of us working out together and then taking a shower with each other when we get home. I picture her telling me that we are going to have our first baby and I feel her as she walks up behind me and puts her arms around me. I see us raising our family together and I see so many other snap shots of our lives together (our courtship, family gatherings, just special moments that I can only share with THE ONE). Sometimes I am so afraid that I will never find her or that she will never find me. I know that God has placed her somewhere in this world and that her heart feels as empty as mine, but where is she? Is she thinking of me while I am thinking of her? Does her heart, soul, and body yearn for me the way mine yearn for her? I believe in fate and destiny and I know that our paths will cross someday.... Those are some of the questions that run through my head every night and have for as long as I can remember



PART 47

I watch the movies like "Pretty Woman", "Sleepless in Seattle", "Jason's Lyric", "Love Jones", and "The Wedding Planner" and I wonder why my life can't fall into place like that. I listen to all types of music, read the novels (my favorite authors are Anne Rice and Nicholas Sparks) and there has never been a time that my tears haven't flowed because of the emptiness that lies inside my heart like a plague. In my heart, I love that faceless woman already and it is my heart NOT my mind that will tell me when she finally appears. I whisper to her sometimes at night that I am thinking of her. I miss her and at that moment I hope that maybe the wind touches her cheek with a kiss from me or that the rain touches her face and she can feel the tears that I shed because I don't have her. All of my friends and my family tell me that I concentrate too much on meeting "Mrs. Right" and that if I would lower my standards I would have someone by now. I refuse to do that. I know what I want and I know! That she is out there. There have been many times in my life when I have thought that there had to be something wrong with me. Why was I alone when everyone else was so happy? But I know now that God was just saving me for someone very special. She knew that I had some growing to do and that I wasn't ready yet. I am an intelligent, romantic, selfless man who would do anything for the people that she loves. My love runs very deep and it is never-ending. There are so many things that I have not experienced in life that I want to experience with someone that is willing to guide me through. To feel her love, her kiss, her touch is what I have dreamed about my entire life. I'm not trying to play games and I'm not trying to be the "serial dater". I'm ready for real love .Are you willing to jump because I just did,

For the longest time I never thought I would meet anyone that thought the same way as me. I feel like I have this little world going on inside my mind which is constantly speaking to me. I feel things very deeply and often this world seems very empty. Last night I was listening to what the voice of my world and what it was saying to me. I realized a very strange thing; the voice was not really a voice it was a heartbeat from the center of my very being. If I didn't know any better, I would say that I feel something strange and yet very familiar. I feel like I have real live. Love living inside of me, in my heart. I can hear and feel it beating and then I realized that it is love, which fuels my little world of which I am living. It becomes so hard to find a balance in this life. There is so much pressure to be successful to be wealthy to be this, to be that but, if there is no time to share then what is the point of the whole thing? I have always romanticized the day when I would meet someone that believes in the simple beauty of life like holding hands, snuggling up, and taking a bath. Someone who believed that just being together was equally as grand being at home watching a flick from blockbuster as it is in going out to dinner or dancing. I don't have to be invited to gala events to feel special or to receive large expensive gifts to display the affection of my woman. I can feel real affection from small acts of kindness…a cute greeting card…a little message…just a reminder that I really matter and even though we cannot always be together. She thought enough of me to reach out to shows that she cares. Most people are really interested in money and gala events and big elaborate gatherings. I would give anything just to have my own family. I would give anything not to feel lonely in my little world and have someone that I could share with and give the same acts of kindness that I so want and love receiving. Something tells me never to give up on my romantic fantasy. When I feel this passionately and really focus on it, suddenly I feel the beating of love in my heart. What if after pouring out my heart and soul. I was to meet you here. What if you were here waiting for me? What if I really found you and everything I ever wanted could finally come true? What if you felt the same way and what if you just wanted the simple life of Love and family? It is so easy and yet so complex. I mean there are so many people in this world, so many lost souls so many broken hearts and yet. I expect to find you here? What if it is you? What if our paths crossed through this medium and we were too shy or afraid to believe that what we are not sure of could be true. Now that I am in my 30's I feel like I am ready to give my Love one final chance at vulnerability. I know that you will not come to me unscathed from life, I know that you are busy and I know that you are successful in your chosen way of living but, if you look inside yourself…isn't there something that you feel you are missing? I expect that if you have read this far, you will know how I feel. You could have settled for "close enough" and could have made sacrifices to another person that you wanted to be your soulmate just because breakups are like death of the soul and the loss of love and companionship kills the spirit and breaks the heart into a million pieces. I tell you I know all of these feelings. What if these people come into our lives for a specific reason? They have introduced us to ourselves so we can welcome what it is that we really want for our future, for me that only means a relationship that is growing and healthy. I have to believe that until now I have been practicing for the REAL thing, that the pains of my heart and soul are pertinent to its growth and maturity. I was reading something the other day that really spoke to me. Everyone wants to find the mate that is healed and healthy but, unless you really FEEL things then you will never reach your full potential and that means being vulnerable to love and pain. Somehow however, if we do not reach our highest truth we could never be satisfied with a relationship. Something would always be missing, so there is really no way that you could reach your highest truth from inside a plastic bubble. You reach it by living and being open to the experiences of your soul. ALL of them, beautiful, special and painful. I don't expect that you will come to me without pain in your heart. I don't expect that you have been living in a plastic bubble waiting for me to show up. I only expect that there is room in your heart for my little world and me because once you let me in, all of me, our hearts will expand to reach their highest truth. We will pay homage to the past and then look ahead to a beautiful and healthy experience of melting our own private worlds together

Along the road I have been searching, opening every door, looking in every window, searching every face and then there was this door beckoning me to open it and as I approached I could feel my heart beat faster, my breath shorten, my skin tingle. I slowly opened the door this beautiful ray of light peeked out and it blinded me. I felt safe; felt so whole and so pure, when the door fully opened there you stood, holding out your hands to me, gently pulling me in with the warmth and love within your eyes. Telling me not to be afraid to cross the threshold. All my dreams and hopes are there with you and I only need to do is take one small step, a step that would take me forever to the beautiful place I have always been searching for.



PART 48

People always told me " you will know the one instantly" I do believe that and I have never lost the faith. I knew my soulmate was out there somewhere and would come to me when the time was right. The day we meet will be the end to your search and mine because our minds, bodies and souls will become one. I want to laugh with you, cry with you and hold you until all your fears are gone. I will hold you until you realize I will never let you go. These are not just words I am writing to you. These are promises and feelings that are coming from my heart. I would never do anything to hurt you. I promise everyday we have together will be a special day and a celebration of two lost souls who finally found one another.

I am ready for the next journey in my life and I know that "we" will have the most magical and spiritual relationship that everyone will envy. We will be those couples that can't keep their hands off one another. People will look at us and see how much love we have for each other and wish they had the same. I knew that all the decisions I made in the past were the right ones. As much as they hurt making them, I knew the Gods had something very special waiting for me. I have no regrets and I never will. I have grown into the person that I am very happy with. You are my missing link. You fill me up inside with all of your love and affection. This journey that is before will be well worth the bumping ride it took to get here. Now, that we are here we have to go with it and not let those fears or insecurities get in the way. I know this is a very hard thing to do, but if we can get though this we will be able to accomplish the impossible. We will be able to handle anything that is put before us because we will go through it together and get through it. We are both very strong people who have a bond of love that is untouchable to anyone or anything else. I dreamt about our first meeting. What will it be like to have you in front of me and we are face to face. What will be the first thing I say to u or u to me? What thoughts are going to run through you head when you first lay eyes on me. Will we just hold each other tightly and kiss each other so passionately like there is no one else in this world except for the two of us. I am not afraid of picking up my life and starting a new one with you, my love. I do believe everything happens the way it is meant to be. You are going to be my greatest love of all and the last one. I m sure this will not be an easy road because life is never an easy thing, but the two of us together we will make it through it. I can't wait to tell our children the story of how we met. I want to tell the world how happy you make me and I make you. I want to go to bed with you every night and wake up to you every day. I never want this feeling to end. I just want it to intensify as time goes on and our love grows. I want to be there for you through all good and bad times. When you are sad and depressed I want to be the person you come to and tell me what's on mind.

I truly believe that all that has happened to us in our lives have led us to today, there is no doubt in my heart or mind that this is true. I have always been a big believer in that phrase " that everything happens for a reason". I have experienced it and have seen it. When I surrender and with you I want so desperately to do just that. I will give you all of me, every part of me, you would never have to ask for my love for it would always be just for you, to surrender completely is to put my heart and soul into your hands. Completely trusting you with so much blind faith, knowing that you would never break my heart nor tarnish my soul. There is no rhyme or reason, just a deep feeling inside that wants so much to come out that sometimes I can not breathe. The light at the end of that dark tunnel has brightened and I want to touch it, to bask myself in it and to feel all of its warmth and healing. I love you, I have not met you, nor does it matter, the soul is what I seek, the true you is what I want, the bad, the good, the whole, nothing less will do I do love you, I do not know how or why, but I do.... No rhyme, no reason, all that I know is that you spoke to my heart and soul and I won't go on without having you in my life, until I have taken the chance, the leap into the unknown with you.

I was thinking to myself, is this finally happening? Have I met the person I am supposed to be with for the rest of my life? I look forward to the day we meet at our special place. A place that we will cherish forever. Promise me one thing, please don't let your fears or insecurities get in the way. If you have any doubts or don't feel the same way I do, please let me know. I promise when we meet all the confusion you are feeling will vanish when I take your hand and hug you for the first time. When you look into my eyes I want you to feel you are finally at home. I sit here and wait the day we lock eyes, bodies and our souls. The day we become one. My heart screams out for you at night when I lay in bed because I wish so much you were here with me to hold me and tell me this is really happening. That we can start our life together and start creating beautiful memories of our love. I want you so much right now. I want to dissect you and you will to me. I miss you so much right now it hurts my heart that I can't get back into bed and kiss you all over. I want to explore every inch of you. I want to please you and do all the things you love to have done. I want to be the first and last person you are with until the end. My mind is telling me this is it! I know in my heart of hearts you are "the one". My body is ready for you and yearns for you more then you know. I want to taste you. I will always have you with me. I want to be your best everything. I want us to shut out the mean cruel world and create our own sacred space. This place will be ours that no one can enter except for us together as we become one. I am sharing my deepest most intimate thoughts with you. I want us to experience things together that we have never experienced before. I feel so connected to in such a way that I have never known. Thank you for searching and waiting for me to appear in your life. I am sorry it took me this long, but the time is right now for the both of us. We needed to learn from our past so we don't repeat the same mistakes. I am ready to start my journey into love, everlasting love. The fairytale romance I have dreamed of all my life. I want you so much right now my body is screaming out for you, come to me now! I promise from the day we meet I will never hurt you or leave you. You will be the missing piece to the puzzle. I wish we could fast forward time to see what would happen in the future, but I know in my heart I will be with you. All the aspects of my life are fulfilled. I have a wonderful family, friends I would do anything in the world for and a career that I enjoy. The only aspect that never was filled was my heart. I have so much love to give someone. People tell me all the time I have a heart of gold. I will do anything for those that I cherish in my life. I hold my little circle around me because I know they will always be there for me. Now, I am at the point that I am ready to expand that circle. Anyone who you cherish I will cherish from family to friends. I want all the people around to be a part of our lives


PART 49


It seems no matter what I am doing or whom I am with or where I am at, you are there with me. I can feel you, this presence that has come into my whole being that I am never without, it is totally unexplainable, unending, undeniable, but not uninvited, my whole body, heart and soul aches for more with every passing second of the day and night. My heartbeats faster with a mere thought, I can feel it through out my entire body. I long for the moments that we talk. I can hear your voice in my head, I can hear your voice speaking to me with every word I read from you as if you are here wrapped around me holding me close to you, I can't sleep at night without dreaming of you, I see you, I can hear you and I can feel you touching me, making love to me, holding me close while we fall asleep in each others arms. My days are totally filled with you! I want to give you all that you desire and all that you could ever imagine in the universe, I want to make you feel so complete and totally loved that you would be floating so high that you would never come back down. I want to look at you for hours, run my fingers through your hair, explore your body so passionately that I would have to do it over and over again, feel your breath all over me while all the while you felt mine on you, be completely absorbed by your scent, that if I was to leave your arms for even a second, it would linger with me until I am back in your arms, make love all day and all night as if it was the only time in the world we would ever be able to touch one another, with every touch being so intense that we cannot breathe, but yearning for more always.

My dear soulmate, there is a tree near my window and now I can hear its leaves whispering something. They are luring me to come and whisper with them. I've just heard the thunderstorm. Its voice was so grand, seemed like he told people to enter their homes quickly or, maybe, he was inviting those, who like walking under the rain, like you and me. I'm waiting for the rain to come; I like to feel its fresh and cold drops on my face. I like to smell its freshness, to feel how my skin becomes a goose one. I like to listen the nature talking. Really, if you would listen to it carefully, you would be able to distinguish different voices. I remember when I watched the American version of "The Sleeping Beauty" and there, a main heroine enjoyed walking in the forest, singing, talking to birds and flowers, dancing. Hopefully, we will love each other as it was in that fairy-tail tills our death, and I wish I could destroy all the barriers on my way to me. Meanwhile, my Princess is probably sleeping, or, maybe, she is walking around somewhere in Manhattan, thinking about her feelings towards me. Or, maybe, she is sitting with her friends in some bar, discussing the latest news and changes. Or, maybe, she is with her family, enjoying the late dinner and confiding them her secrets. Or, maybe, she is reading something interesting, curled on her favorite couch. I don't know where she is and what she is doing now (and it hurts), I can just suppose or imagine. But what I know for sure is that she is not with me and I don't really know if she wants so much. I can only hope that she does want. But if she does, then, why she isn't with me there is no answer. I'm talking to myself into the emptiness. She may say: " So, you're not sure that I want to be with you?" My sun, I want to be sure, but I can't when I can only hear it and can't feel it. Maybe, I'm exaggerating, perhaps-I'm too fragile and sensitive, but, my fear, I can't be changed (told that we can't change people). So, maybe, you can understand me better, or to be more acute to my needs? What do you think? , I realize more and more that we need the same: attention, care, Love, passionate sex, sensual pleasures, understanding, harmony, union of our souls, honesty, going for a walk together, kissing under the stars, picking berries and mushrooms, dozing in a hammock together, listening to each others heart beat, loving nature, animals and all alive, loving each other (the most important). We need this, each of us and two of us. I can be happy in love only if I understand where this happiness comes from, but if I love and don't feel myself happy, then, what's the worth of love? Still no raining. Just lightning. I often feel that you're watching me and tracing me. I have a big imagination, so, forgive me please, if I seem odd sometimes. I feel that you come to my place every day to watch me going to the work, to watch me in Starbucks in the evening. Watching the golden sunset, I feel you near me, I feel your breath. I imagine how you'll come from the tree and say "Hello, my love" and hug, and kiss me. We will sit there together, near the river, under that tree, that looks like the "crying willow" and it will cover our bodies with its long, light branches to let us make love, and not to let anyone see us. Only the stars and the moon will watch us, rejoice for us and shine for us! Do I live in a magic, fabled world? Maybe, but this is my atmosphere where I feel comfortable. I always wanted my soulmate to guess and do what I want, not asking me, if I want to do it or to have it. Lightening again but no rain. I'm thinking, is it possible that a person can guess my wishes and surprise me by materializing them? Maybe, that's impossible because we aren't telepathy. I believe their are such couples that can guess each other's wishes and make them real, before their "second half" says it? I like surprising people and guessing their wishes, because I love it by myself. All my life I believed that I was born for something and someone special. This inner feeling never left me. I hoped that some great future is waiting for me. It's not about money. This is about life quality, spiritual wealth, emotional enrichment and mental growth. That's why I never stop studying, reading something useful and interesting, learning. When I was a child, I often saw the same dream where I STOOD IN THE FIELD BETWEEN THE TWO ARMIES THAT WERE GOING TO HAVE A FIGHT. So, every time I raised my arms and cried that it will be no war, but only peace! I shouted that I forbid the war to happen. And of some reason, the soldiers turned their horses back and returned home. As you maybe understood, the inner peace and harmony are vital for me. Without it I feel like I don't live but just exist.

How is that that you don't know feeling I need you? Maybe you don't need me so much as I need you and that's why you don't feel me? If one person needs the other, there is an emotional funiculars between them, that is wincing every time when one of them is sad, anxious or just misses his second half and want him to call her. There is so much truth here, uncovered, naked truth, that people afraid to tell anyone, even their beloved one. They are afraid to be rejected. In some cases they are right, that they can be rejected because a rare person can except the naked truth and absorb it. It's easier to use one of the defense mechanisms, such as "rejection," then- "repression" and maybe, even, "projection of feelings" on to the other person, and never really think of it, not to invite these thought into their minds, just close the door every time the truth tries to come in and heal the person. We are never really ready for anything as much as we think we are. Yes, that's true. I realize now, after having few relationships with women, that I wasn't truly ready. I thought I was, but later on, when we parted I was wondering why and how did it happen that I thought I loved that person and wanted to marry her? I just wasn't ready and God saw this, he helped me, then, to avoid those improper unions. Now I think and feel I'm ready and I'm not afraid to tell this to you and to anyone else. Yes, I'm ready for a love commitment. I invite your love to come and embrace me, to fall in me, to rise with me and to never let me go! When I thinking about now is that, perhaps, you aren't ready enough for me, even though, you wished to find me for such a long period of time? Maybe you feel you can't handle it or it's too scary to eventually get what you were longing for a whole life? If I'm not right, just call and say "I'm ready for you" and I will know.


PART 50

My dear, it's raining now. The air is so fresh; the weather is beautiful while it rains. I'm longing to hear from you. Is it possible that you don't think of me, don't want to hear my voice, to say, "I love you," to hear me saying this? I'm thinking now what we could do, if we would be together. We could go for a walk in the rain, we could putt off our shoes and jump from puddle to puddle, laughing like little kids. We would be so happy and innocent, don't you think? I couldn't imagine that writing to you could help me in such a way! I don't deal so anxious, the process of writing takes away my tension. Even though it's a gradual process, it helps me anyway. Then, my imagination draws me such picture: we have a beach hose with a beautiful sea panorama. It's raining, like now, we are sitting near the window on our favorite couch, holding each other in our arms. We are covered with a fluffy rug and two cups of hot chocolate (calorie bomb) standing on the table near us. Our eyes are looking into our joint future. We see the birth of our first child - a beautiful girl, we observe her growth, how we nurture her properly, how her mother loves her and spends time with her, talking about their female subjects. Then, we see the birth of our wonderful son, he is so gracious, perfect and happy. I see you teaching him all the man's secrets and how attentively he listens to you. Then, the third birth-of whom? Guess whom? As you wish, This third child will get all the attention and care he/she needs. You see me playing with our children in the garden, taking care of flowers, reading books to them, while swinging in the hammock. I didn't see you came. You're standing in the doorway, observing us and smiling. You are happy and satisfied with our life. Isn't this happiness? Do you want to have it? Then, why don't you start luring it to your life? Are you afraid of such happiness? Do you want a joint future with me?

I'm ready to make a commitment of my soul, heart, body and all I have-to you, my princess. Are you also so sure in yourself? What I wanted to tell you about those women I had was, that they, probably, didn't love me enough. Meaning that there is no such measure for love, as enough or not enough, but they haven't committed their lives to you, they weren't ready or maybe, they are just such kind of women, who aren't able to do that. Because, eventually, we would both suffer." Now, when I "met" you, I feel that I won't let great hope that everything I wished to come true will come, when we meet. A person, who has integrity, can't love and adore money. I'm ready to take a "leap of faith," because I'm sure that I'll find that invisible bridge right away! You are my bridge and I'm your path on this bridge, you will hold me and I'll lead you to the real love! Will we handle that? Of course, we will! We are sure-we will! Don't be afraid of asking me the questions you want to know about me. I want to know everything about you, and I'll ask you when we meet, when we'll be together. I also believe in achieving the impossible, because only living with such view of life we can reach the inaccessible. I was seeking my real love and to find her, I had to pass this difficult and thorny way to find you. I know, we were born to be together, I feel my stomach contracts into a fist, my heart beats incredibly fast, I want to hear your voice all the time, I dream about you at night, and I can't wait until we meet. What do you feel, reading my words? I've never told these words to none before. Not because I was shy or thought that it's not correct to express my feelings to a human being, but because I've never felt this before! This is your choice to believe me or not, I'm just telling you what sits inside of me and craves to let it go out.

Like my heart, I fear to open, I cannot make such a sacrifice for someone, except for you I will sacrifice all that is me. Your image are the color that paints the canvas of a great artistic work, but still, with so much of myself unseen by all who knows me. I am still walking with light footsteps into my very being, learning every aspect of myself that is confined within its very own beauty for you to indulge yourself within, but I will share a vision with you of a woman who is to be my lover, a woman man who lingers in my mind and tickles the very essence of my imagination and causes a cringe of smile and a glimmer of hope to shed light where sometimes darkness is the ruler. These words flow freely now and this is how my mind envisions the details of my life and Love. I open up my every emotion for you to bask in. It is my very soul that has split wide open for you to revel into me and share what has been for no other person to see until this moment. I know that there will be no return, but I have looked into your eyes and I see a longing like no other. Your smile is a paradox much like your existence is an anomaly it is contrary to someone fragile and longing for a life full-filled. It is a smile of innocence or is it resentment, as if you feel the world owes you, as if you deserve more than what you have. I don't judge you; I ache for you I hurt for you with every thought. I think my thoughts are into such things as a way to feed my self created passionate world and to satisfy a need to express my emotions, but I know it is real I hold back as not to flatter you more than the balance of our relationship can handle, but an earnest aphorism is this: If I had a dream that I could control, it would be with you. Close your eyes and dream of me. Go with me now into my mind as I try to place words to feelings that only the heart can know. The rocks are jagged and jut forth through crashing waves that personify the harsh environment of which they exist. Life looks on with cool discern upon this place of unsurvivable circumstance. Above this raw presence of nature is one even more powerful it is our bare bodies wrapped into one my chin upon the nape of your neck and your cheek upon my shoulder. The grass tingles at our naked bodies as the clouds flutter by with a soft presence, and the golden rays of the setting sun bathe us in a luminescence foreshadowed only by the fiery passion between us. The sparkling riches shine in an ocean as far as eyes can see. Though our eyes are open they see not the seeming riches cast by the fading sun, but the invaluable wealth to come from a love not soon forsaken. The golden road that sways to the horizon on the back of the waves will be the path we take to our future. And us, high on the cliff, only yards from an intense death, only inches from an intense life, will show ourselves the inner peace and perfect utopia that life has with little concern to the tribulations of the rest of the world. As the tide roars through the crevices in the depths below us I can feel just such a yearning inside of me for your Love. My heart pounds harder than yours and my body trembles in your touch. I can feel the beat that defines your own life I can feel your thoughts in me I sense your touch on me I feel the concern in your reluctance to take me I know the fears that you have and they are mirrored by my own.




PART 51

Our destinies lay before us and remain placid for the taking. As the breeze blows your hair about and then it lays once more like dark honey seeping over the rim of its jar. I cannot give your beauty justice in these words. The moment of eternity is before us. I break from your delicate grasp and slide away from you. Your emotions, though tactile, are mysterious to me. The moment is surreal. As I lay back to bathe in the intricacy of this moment realizing that the moment is as simple as the meaning of life before this discovery sunk in. I felt you upon my chest and your soft kisses told me what your words could not your body laid against my body and no passion existed greater than what I felt at that moment. As you encompass my entire body you consequently did the same to the essence of my existence. When your face was directly above mine, then and only then did I see the love in your eyes then I seen forever in your look I could only see your enchanting look and on our private cliff we found the most secluded place in the universe that only we could be. Lost deep within one another through our eyes and into our very soul, I felt rapture, intensity and passion. As the waves crashed rhythmically with fight and fury, as the birds soared beneath us, and the clouds around us, as the numb minded world thought indifferently of our existence and as you made Love to me. Then at that moment, I could confess what could take me a lifetime to find Love. My love for you, I have found. Words cannot describe the deepest emotions, for they can ruin the essence of what makes love so beautiful. I trying to put it into words feel so good, and understanding it is a genuine gift. I go through every boundary and limitation to manifest my thoughts and doing so I truly get to taste the intensity of my own realm of reality, and have a better understanding of who I am. Love is the sacred language that only two souls can master and revel within to uncover the undefined depths of its true meaning.


Have you ever felt sad for others around you, thinking to your self, poor creatures walking around, living without living, for they have not felt a love like this before? Life is love and the essence of our existence is loving. I feel I want touch you by every erected hair on my body, since for me my fingers, lips, and tongue would not be enough to satisfy my hunger of wanting you. I do not place a price on this love, my love will never be for sale, and it is priceless, as in your love for me. My precious love, how do I ache for you. How could this peace of flesh and blood grow so large in my chest to place your love within it? This is a gift from heaven, and I am the only one having the privilege of holding it in my heart. Eternal life has no spark in my eyes; one moment of your love is my demand from God. A touch of your skin is the greatest gift I could have received, and your love is all I seek. My love, you are the most beautiful person in my eyes, There is not face or body attracting my attention stealing my eyes any longer, for me you are the eternal beauty and the only view my eyes are capable to see. Loving you is this secretes passion that I nourish inside. Your love has replaced every drop of blood in my veins. Beating of my heart has only one reason, not to keep me alive but to cherish your love. My life has no meaning without you, the sky beyond you is the never-ending darkness for me, and your smile is the only star in my nights guiding me to survive. My vision is not going to be enough for me to believe your presence; I need all my senses to remind me that you are here, by my side. I need you as flowers need rain, as mirror needs a reflection, and stream needs rocks to be guided in its journey. Be my guide, be the strength behind every step, be the cause for every breath I take be the color to my soul, and bring this back and white life to a masterpiece. I know I am asking for too much, but my darling, it is so easy for you, just be mine and that is all you have to be. You told me that I have been controlling this love. My love, I have been the reflection of your wishes, not the wish master. Hence my wish is nothing rather than you eternal happiness. I have locked my wishes knowing that my soulmate is too special to be pushed by any, too precious to be occupied by my internal aches. For me, seeing you smile is most priceless wish that God could have given me? A true smile, the happiest smile in the whole world on your dear face is all I want and pray for. Your love has taken me to places that I have never been before what else could I request, since you have given me your love, and heart. Love you for as long as I exist is not a choice but a necessity to my survival. I felt my soul had grown wings and flow out of my body rested on your side and did not return to me, until I open my eyes, My body is taken over by the opium of your love, I run my hands over my skin, and it does not feel familiar. My senses had been magnified, I can hear butterfly flap, birds blink and ants speak. I just stopped leaving this place, turned around and told to my self, I have to tell you how much stronger you have made me, and how would I love you as no one ever have.

Once I thought I loved you, and now I know it was just a drop in the ocean of more of my love coming for you. I love you more than yesterday, but less than one moment from now. I love you. I dream of us swimming naked in cold water under blue moon, I drinking water running down your shoulder, you kissing my neck and I lost in your touch, in your eyes. I want to protect you from any harm in this world, How could this be an ordinary love, I do not no any two people so much concern about other's happiness. Absolute unselfishness is the nature of our love, fact of me trusting you, loving you, wanting you so deeply that it feels like it is starting to open at the end of my soul. Your love has given me every wish I had dream of receiving. I wait for the day that I would serve you myself and enjoy watching you tearing my body apart. I have not known true love, until I meet you, you have given me the best anyone could dream of, you have given me the gift of love. You have given me the power to walk on water, to move mountain, to cross the harshest lands. I would do it all even if there were one reason: my love for you. And I believe in our love's survival. So for now, my dearest do not think of distance, for there is no road I would not cross to reach you, for there is no ocean large enough to separate us, and there is no sky tall enough to prevent of from spreading wings of our love. Just trust me, I know you do, Trust this love, and have faith on this love, without our faith there is no love. Without your love I will not survive. I am jealous of the breeze caressing your skin, your mirror reflecting your face, or your friend for hearing your voice, or air carrying your laughter. I want to be all to you and enjoy watching you sharing it all with me. Love you for eternity, this is my vow to you.


PART 52


I have been lucky enough to travel all over the world. I have adored those trips seeing how others lived. What made other cultures "tick" so to speak and my favorite of those times have been when it has been as if I was stepping into a painting or a movie scene and allowed to see something I shouldn't allowed to see raw emotion, allowed to see a part of others lives trespassing on their "normal, everyday" lives. Darling, I must admit, part of me wanted to sit down and join their lives wanted to make myself at home, they looked happy, wouldn't I be if I joined them? Wouldn't they welcome me? These trips as much as I loved them, they seemed so sad to me, for I had no one to share them with wanted you there, but you know what, Love? You were with me all the while, you were with me all along when that realization dawned on me last night, all of a sudden these sad memories started turning they started becoming hopeful, rather thank hopeless all these places I wished you had been with me all these things I wished you had done with me...you were there, My Love, you were there on the road to London, when I cried out for you and wanted you there desperately. You were there Museum in Pair trial while I was Van Gogh works of art. You were there at the play "Phantom of the Opera". You were there standing on the Eiffel tower amazed at the millions of stars and you were there for that sunset in Sedona, you have been with me, my whole life, you have been there, because you were a part of me. I always thought that because you were not physically there, that I was alone. I was wrong. Forgive me.

I have dreamt of you. How can you forget about a dream that will complete your whole life! I was haunted by it for a long time. I still remember the first time I had it was at my grandparents house out in the country. I woke up and had a long discussion with my grandmother the first of many with her about love and dreams and happiness, I was about 12, I suppose and you were standing there in a doorway with a rose in your hand. The dream I had was such a strange and beautiful dream, but it gets stranger. I could not see the face, but somehow I knew that this was a person who was going to change my life. This was the "one", this person standing there, offering me this rose...offering me her heart has only visited me rarely in the past few years granted they have been when I needed her the most, but it has been a long time since the last visit. I missed her, You have been there haunting my dreams, watching over me, and laying beside me. I very rarely sleep through the night, but the past two nights. I have slept better than I have in years. It is because you have been there with me, beside me, inside me. I am happy. I have a full life. I have friends who I adore and a family that is my most prized possession. There is something missing, it is you. You are missing even in the small things I want you near me. It is almost as if I am most alone when I am in a crowd, there is nothing sadder than being surrounded by people and being completely alone, but I feel like that, when I am in a crowd, I look for you. I want to share so much with you. I want to experience the little everyday things with you. I want to wake up in your arms and not be able to wait till we are fully awake to make love to you. I want to see the faces of our children on Christmas morning. I want to look in your eye fifty years from now and know that we have lived a life worthy of our dreams. I want so much My Love. I want to hold you, to caress you, to love you like no other ever has; no other ever could, because it wasn't me. I want to feel you inside me and know that no one else will ever be there, because it is you I was meant to spend my life with you were made for me. And I was made for you. I want you to desire me as much fifty years from now as you do now. I want to experience everything life has to offer, emotionally and physically. I am a relative innocent, but it is as if I have had this reserve, almost as if I wanted to save my explorations for you, .is that odd? I want you to teach me how to love you. I know how to love, but I want to learn what drives you wild. I want to explore all I can sexually with you. I am like you, in that I very much associate sex with love, making love is very much how I get in touch with my feelings and feel loved, it is just one of the ways I show love. I need sex and love and I have this need to give them all. I am a very giving person, in fact my honesty in my emotions and giving usually scare people off. They think that I am being "clingy", when really it is just that I cannot keep from finding ways to show my affection. I want you to have little suprises everyday. I want there never to be a question in your mind that I absolutely adore you. . I am the type of person that is always thinking of what I can do to make others happy, that is just who I am. I get my happiness not form things, but I feed off of it in others so I try to make all those around me happy. My mother says I am a "Rescuer" that I fall for the "lost souls" and try to help try to make their lives easier, then when they are "healed" they move on. I don't know about that, I only know that I have to help if there is someone hurting. How could you not? I only know one way to love and is with my whole heart, and my whole mind and my whole body. If not with all you have to give, than what is the point? Why even bother risking the hurt if you are not willing to commit more than 100%? My worth in my life is not measured in physical things. It is measured in the lives I have touched, the lives I will touch. You know how there are moments in your life that you will never forget. When I was in a bar in Upper West Side of New York City with my friends, it had gotten late and we had gone through several bottles of Merlot and the four of us were into a very deep conversation. We started talking about what we wanted our contributions in life to be. I said I wanted mine to be my family. I didn't want to be remembered for what I did, but rather for raising children with the honor and morals to go out and make an impact. I said I wanted to be remembered because I touched lives and my friend Rich said,"I'm going to tell you all something I've never told anyone before. Before I moved back home here, I lived in Boston and was bad into the drug scene. In fact, one of my best friends was a Playboy model. The last time I saw her she was laying on the side of the freeway strung out. I don't know if she lived or died. When I moved here all I thought about was how much I wanted a hit, but Alex, you made me see the good in things, you took my mind off things, you made me laugh and smile and you showed me how to live. You are my savior" and my friend, Tony looked at me and said, "See, you have had an impact, if tomorrow never comes, you have changed somebody's life". I had no idea, I had no idea what had been going on in Rich life, and I had no idea that I was having an effect on his life. I had no clue. I was just being me. I was doing all I knew how, but that is one of the most powerful nights I have ever had. I saw a friend of one of the guys last week at a conference and he came up to me and said, "Do you have any idea how many lives you changed? They still call you their 'Guardian Angel', you really effected them." That meant so much to me, it still does because I have had experiences like that, because something in me has been allowed to touch other people, I am one of the richest people I can think of. My parents, although I love them dearly, have pretty messed up priorities some times. I was with a woman that I truly loved, I admit looking back she was one of love of my life, but I wanted her to be, so I deluded myself, even as I was doing it I deluded myself, but over and over they kept saying she is not good enough, she is not rich enough, she is not classy enough or beautiful enough. I was so disappointed in them. I kept thinking "You raised me to not care what people think! You raised me to see what people are on the insides, not what the look like and what they are worth!" I couldn't believe that they would judge a person like that! How important is that stuff? Money is lost. Beauty will fade.


PART 53

How can you say that one person is "better" than the next? It made me sick to think that they thought they had the right to make that distinction... How could they be so superior? Then in a conversation my father was having with a friend of mine, the friend said, that she didn't think they understood how much I was hurting. He said, "I'm sorry you had to see that."...I felt so betrayed...How could the way it looked be more important than my happiness? How can the image it portrayed be more important than feelings? There is a girl I know that everyone "adores" she is beautiful from the richest family. She, like her mother was a cheerleader, but to me she is one of the most ugly saddest human beings I have ever met. We were friends when we were younger, but I was not good enough for her as we grew up, which was fine with me, no loss...I couldn't handle being around people that superficial, but she is such a cruel cold person, that beauty that every one talks about, it is a mask, it is not real after you know her you realize that it is as if you are betrayed by it to me she is one of the saddest people I know. To me the most beautiful person in town is another childhood friend of mine, her name is Mary and I love her dearly. She is drop dead gorgeous, she looks like a cross between Cindy Crawford and Helena Christianson, but that is not what makes her beautiful...it is her heart...she is epileptic, and although I have grown up she has stayed as if we were still in 7th grade...but that is part of what makes her so very special I think...she still has this wide eyed enthusiasm...this innocence...this unselfish love...

This morning, I saw the most beautiful sky-scape. I thought of you. I wanted you to be there and see it with me, because you are the only one I know who would've appreciated like I did. I see things that no one in the world could ever see. Except you. In the past I have been with people whom I will just call "unresponsive". I see now, when I was upset and needed the support, they had never been there. I was never able to go to them for a silent hug or just someone to cry to. I have dreamed of someone I could turn to without having judgment placed on me, and just holding me because she wanted to, not because there was a TV behind me in her view that would keep her entertained while she painfully held me. I often become very upset because I don't or have ever had this. I have come home from dates and seen all the stars in the sky, and started talking to them. Asking them questions, hoping they have the answers for them. I stare at them in amazement, sometimes wondering what my real purpose is for being put on this earth. Is it to help people? Or to help those who help people. I think I know. I lay on the hood of my car and stare for hours. As I stare into the fire in the sky, I see her. I see her coming up behind me and looking at the same thing I am looking at. But she not only sees the object, she sees what I am seeing - everything the object has within it. I have been ready to find the "one" for a long time now, and I haven't found him. I have dated, but never let it get passed two dates. I am very scared to make love to someone, because when I do, I am sharing my heart and soul with that person. It has been smashed on the floor and stomped on, twice- too many times in my life. If we do ever meet, can we just leave it up to fate, and not decide before hand whether or not we will be intimate? I'm not ready for another heart stomping! Nor will I ever be. I want and hope the next person to be my last.

I know you are out there. I've dreamt about our mixed laughter, finishing one another's sentences, tasting one another's desserts, and warming one another's cold feet in bed. I've watched us walking your big slobbering dog, the one that I love to hug or feed under the table. You act like you only tolerate my cat, but I catch you cuddling him when you think I'm not looking. You dash out early Sunday morning for bagels while I make coffee, and we wade through four different papers in a fruitless effort to keep up with the rest of the cold world out there. But we've built a world of our own, inside, where it's warm. I know you are out there. I'm right here. Come to me. I just want to let you know how much you mean to me. Every morning when I wake, you are the first thing on my mind. When I go to bed, you are the last thing I think about. When I sleep, I dream of you. You are always with form or me in some way -shape -. And I like it that way. I get this feeling when I think of you. It's a heaviness that weighs in my chest. But it's a good heavy. It's not a feeling I could put into words. I want to do the simple things with you. Because to me, the simple things are the most intimate. Like kissing. I think kissing can be the most passionate thing two people do. Going for walks, watching a movie at home, checking sugar together (something I do on occasion) and sitting on the beach watching the water crashing. (I've never done that with someone I love) There are so many things that I have never done with the person I love, and I want to do them with you. I want to share all my experiences with you.

One day while I was at work I was looking out up at the sky, totally white, it just appeared as a blank canvas waiting to be painted with whatever dreams one might have. Love me for being true to who I am and for the love that they never doubt is there. They look into my eyes and they know there is someone out there that I love so much that the time is coming near that they will hear the words."Listen up, I have something to tell you." I love you so much honey, I find it so hard watching people together and being apart from you. I missed you so and longed to be in your arms making love. I need to feel you, a touch of your body, just to feel that I am not dreaming, making this all up inside of my head. I trust in our love, I feel you with me always but am I selfish to have so much and want for more? We do need to come together, I think we are exhausting our minds, consumed for what we have been longing for, we should be together, we belong together to feel all that we do. Now that we have found each other, its time for us to love, not only in our hearts and souls but to complete the need for our bodies to make love, to taste the body of the woman I have been waiting for. Love of my life, why is it so hard for us to come together? It has taken us so long to find each other. Are our fears robbing us of all that we want so much to be sharing? I want you so and it hurts so much not to be with you completely. Now it seems that anything I want to do would hold no joy unless you were there to share it with and so I sit just gazing into the sky and this screen thinking only of how much I want to be with you and wondering if you are having a good day



PART 54


I just want to jump into the car, come to you and drive away anywhere and make love to you knowing that with all the anxiety that we seem to both be feeling that within no time together it would all disappear. We would laugh knowing how silly we were to have waited so long trying to use reasoning rather then just letting our hearts be our guide. The thought of dating is impossible for me anymore. I belong to you, no one can reach me, they don't understand what is going on but from the moment I met my soulmate I had to cancel all plans. There's no desire, no point; nothing wills ever be enough for me other then knowing I am yours. Will you give me that happiness, the pleasure of being there for you, with you, for all to see that I have the most wonderful man in the world? Will you let me hold you and massage you until you fall into a peaceful sleep? I want to love you so much in so many ways. You'll always feel special because you are and I want to be the one to be there with you and watch your face as you begin to realize just how precious a gift you are. I lay in bed just thinking about you and wanting so much to be by your side. My mind can't escape thoughts of you, not even for a brief moment. You consume every part of me. My body has that tingling sensation all over and I feel orgasmic for you endlessly. I can't believe how you do this to me all of the time, do you know how strong the force is, how deeply drawn I am to you. I can't stay focused on anything; it's so hard. You are here in my heart and soul and everything else is just a whisper to me. No matter where I am, whatever my sadness is beginning to show and no one understands but how could they when I have been holding so much deep down inside of me. I'm so confused and trying to figure out why I didn't hear you tell me or was it because I didn't want to hear what I knew would bring me a hurt so unbearable that I didn't want to deal with it?





UNITY THROUGH SEX


My sexuality is a large part of who I am. When I began growing up and studying about the uses of energy, spiritual energies. I learned that the sexual energy is the creative energy in itself and that masturbation is a release of that energy. It works out great if you are making love since you give to your partner your energy while your partner gives you hers without receiving the energy from another you are like throwing to the trash your energy. Sometimes it is necessary especially in times of stress, but there are more productive ways to release all that energy like exercising even believe that part of the reason why so many taboos and baggage has been placed on the sexual act is because religions. The priest knew this, they knew that through sex people could become more aware of themselves and the POWER WITHIN themselves and that could make the institution called religion loose control. Ancient civilizations have even gone ahead and had sex on the fields in order to stimulate the creative energy and help them in the time of harvesting plants.

I know in our spirit there is nothing the physical could experience that the soul experiences far more ecstatic than our soul's love. You know what pornography lacks, it is love, and there is no love in pornography to me. I see it as a big orgy that takes away from the spiritual gift of sex. Like an alcoholic or drug addict that uses these things to fix what is hurting and or missing and yet abuses the alcohol, drug, sex etc. I am a romantic who, looks at true love being sensual and tasteful, if that is the word. It is a sacred place between two people not to be exploited by others. There are things I do not know, my spirit does, but I do not, and yet sometimes it is through others that our knowing becomes awareness.

I cannot tell you how many times I have longed in my past relationships (and even on the many nights I have spent alone in my huge King-size bed) to have the type of intimate relationship with a woman I describe in this journal. I am very open about my sexuality and have been told by several people that I have some sort of sexual aura about me. I began masturbating and learning the art of pleasuring myself at a very young age (14 to be exact), and I have felt that this has helped me immensely over time in learning more about my body and how it responds to certain stimuli. I still continue, to this day to masturbate several times per week as a release of built up sexual tension. I see nothing wrong with this. I have come to realize (through talking with other women and men and observing) that I am a little different than most people when it comes to how they view masturbation and sex. I have met only a couple of women and men who admit to pleasuring themselves. I don't know if it's because they're just too embarrassed to admit that they do this, or if it's because they really DON'T DO this. I certainly know from my own perspective, I couldn't live without doing it, but perhaps that's because I have never (at least to this point in my life) had a partner who satisfied me enough that I did not need/desire to "take care of things myself". There are a few other things about me that I guess is a little different than most men. I love talking about making love everyday, several times a day, and so completely (with your mind, your soul, and your body). THAT, my friend, is exactly what I have been trying to find, and thus far, have not. My most absolute favorite time to make love is at 2:30 in the morning when you (using that word in a figurative sense) I would snuggle up behind her and gently start rubbing my hands down along the side of her body as I plant feather-like kisses on her neck. This, in my opinion, is the most awesome way to wake up any women!

I would love nothing more than to snuggle and be "one" with someone to be so intimate with that one person. . Only HER touch can ignite your skin like that. Only SHE can bring that indescribable rush that courses throughout your entire body when her fingers touch you. What that must be like! I long to feel it. I never have, but I know somewhere out there somewhere there has to be someone who can make that happens. A large part of passion for love stems from my sexuality. I probably shouldn't have said all that, but it just came pouring out. I sometime become obsess with fucking to the point of not being able to talk about anything else. I would love to be there with you and fuck you all night long. Do you know how hard it has been to fall asleep these days? I have been taking cold showers one after the other. I wanted the entire sexual climax with the emotions, with the love, with the trust, with the spiritual universal connection.


PART 55

For me sexuality is still an unveiled process. I know that I have to get much more insight of it. As I perceive it, sexuality for me is bonded to sensuality; they can "walk" together, hand in hand. Sexuality without sensuality is pornography, a dirty lust, whereas sexuality with sensuality is a beautiful erotica, pure desire, and magnificent bodies interlacing. Have you seen the movie "Blue Lagoon"? If not, you should definitely see it. What was shown there is the beautiful, pure, divine erotica. Two bodies of man and a woman, beautiful, young, resilient bodies interlacing one another in desirable, sensual act of Gods. These two people only start opening sexuality for themselves, they invite it with all their curiosity, amazement, timidity and candidness. These man and women are so pure hearted, loving, gracious and very brave. They are not afraid of their growing sexuality; they receive it as God's gift, as something very precious in life. For me sexuality is the same, it's perceived by me as something divine, deep and breathtaking. It's as deep and novel as the ocean depths, as light as the fluffy clouds. Sexuality is something that can't be fully investigated; it appears in different colors each time, amazes you every minute and doesn't give you a rest. It's something that should be treated softly and passionately at the same time. It's a tenderness, emotional seizure and love wholeness. That is what sexuality for me.

I have no sexual inhibitions with someone who truly loves me. I don't 'do' pain, it's pretty much the only thing on my short list of "won't do's ", but I don't think that is an issue with someone who loves me because why would they want to inflict pain on me or something I'm not comfortable with. I know some people say they experience heightened and ecstatic sexual pleasure through pain, but some say the same about sex and drugs. I love sex out of doors, indoors anywhere, anyplace, any time any position. I am into monogamy I'm not into threesomes or orgies. For me it violates trust and intimacy. I believe that what two people who love and trust each other do with each other in privacy is completely their business and their prerogative. I've had sex outside in broad daylight, in every room of a house and on all kinds of furniture all times of day and night, in parked cars and moving cars. Hours of sex and 5 minute quickies. I love to come to orgasm but do not find it necessary every time. I just enjoy the intimacy of every aspect of sexual contact so much. I enjoy pleasuring my partner in every way and being pleasured by my partner in every way... yes orally. Yes, I masturbate. I've learned a lot about my body this way and been better able to lead and instruct a partner because I know my body well enough. I've never had a partner who wanted as much sex as I did so I don't know what my limits are. I know it is a very delicate issue and such a fine line. Ultimate trust and respect and understanding are required to have a sexual relationship that is that active without disrespecting each other’s needs and bodies. I have never disappointed or displeased a partner. I have been told by most that they have never had a better partner. I am not perfect or extraordinary. Just believe it is a beautiful and enrapturing and spiritual and completing experience, one that partners should be able to abandon them to. Sometimes I laugh sometimes I cry. I experience emotional extremes from the experience and enjoy them all. It is impossible to have that kind of abandon without trust. And so I must trust before I can abandon myself... make sense?I enjoy all the many parts of sex. The knowing of every part of your lovers body and still find a new one all the time. I love that it can be soft and gentle and take you to different heights each time and I always like that it can be out of control and wild and passionate all of the same time. Thinking about how wonderful it feels to wrapped in your arms and to feel your souls going together. If love is a jigsaw puzzle, falling in love is finding the corners. I look forward to see through your eyes, and to enjoy the quiet and loving moments, that will need no words, or any speech, that familiar comfort of being one and at peace with you, do u think our similar complexities will complicate things? It has been so long, many years since I felt total and complete love and constant yearning for another, sometimes I think I can barely remember, but then I do, and I go on having faith that you are there, waiting too. I hope you don't think of my approach to being sexual with each other right away, and I see the importance of it, it really makes so much sense, instead of sticking to the social conditioning that so many think and do. I will know so quickly if I can go there with you, when I am in your presence. Though my intuition will not be based on physical appearance, I want to be inside this woman; it will be that feeling I get, that will be so immediate, I know this and will trust this, as you will too.

The connection we share will be celebrated through the bodies God has permitted us to live in so that we might follow the path of joy and commitment of the union of souls, no longer incomplete, but one, as natural as the sunrise and sunset everyday, will it be there? Is it right for me to gain reassurance by reading your words a little bit each day? I want to care for you and feel free and uninhibited with that lover of mine, I feel in you, I want to marvel at your mere presence and give thanks every day, to appreciate every inch of you inside and out. How I miss you, I feel so strongly, and ask God to show you me, to end your search, my only fear is that you will give up on me b/c of circumstances, it seems our union will demand more than what might have been anticipated, Have you heard Elvis Costello & Burt Bacharach. Painted From Memory, please get it, what a beautiful compilation of expression of feelings... since I lost the power to pretend

I don't know how can I describe you how much I love you! How I want to feel your lips on mine, to feel you touching my hand, to feel you whisper the words of love in my ear. Never ever let me go! Never, do you hear me saying this! I don't want to leave you; I don't want to think that someday we'll die, because I don't want to leave you even then! I want to be with you in Heaven, to know that, no matter what hardships and difficulties you'll face there, you will find me again. Or, maybe, God will be so kind to us to let us die together in our 90s, 100s? If he sees that our love is so grand, so omnipotent, then, maybe, he will be so merciful to us and will connect us in His Holy Kingdom, to never be separated again! Can you love me as much as I can love you? I thought that a woman should love a man more, than he-her. Now, through my love to you, I understood that this is a great gift of God, the "gift of maguses" (have you read O'Henri?) to know that you love and to experience this unearthly feeling! Now, I understand what does it mean-to be unable to imagine how you could live, can live and will live without this person! I thought that it could happen only in love novels. If one part loses his/her second part, then, how she/he can survive, how to overcome this loss, how to live and how to see? And whom to see? You won't see anyone. Or in everyone you'll see him/her. This becomes to be meaningless and a useless life. Why to maintain it longer? I thought, at first, that it was the continuation of my dream. I saw us together in my bedroom, making passionate love! I saw how I wanted to be inside you and how you asked me, but you postponed this moment to let my desire burn even brighter. I was thankful to you. When I entered you, you began to cry, asking me to never go out of you, asking me to go deeper and deeper into you, firstly, more gentle, and then-harder. That was a real, powerful orgasm, which you never experienced before! But, it was just a dream. I hope, I can feel it in reality. I just think that if I want you so much, I will feel it. I didn't want that dream to disappear and I tried to prolong it.


PART 56


I wish you could wake me up every morning with the words: "I love you my dear, my honey, " I wish I could wake up in your bed feeling you touching my face and body, kissing me. Or to wake up feeling that you're looking at me, laying near and whispering something nice and libidinous. Or to wake up feeling you running your fingers through my hair, saying: "Good morning, my dear healthy person! Here is your orange juice!"] I imagine, how you'll calm me down when I feel afraid, how you'll care about me, worry about me, be with me and only with me. How I'll introduce me to my parents and they will like you, I'm sure. How my mother will ask you later:" Have you found what you were looking for? Is she the one?" And I will answer:" Yes! She is my soulmate, she is my life!" I imagine how you'll call your parents and tell them how I love you and how I want to be with you, how I'll ask for their blessing. My parents are very worrywarts when it comes to their only son, so they need to be told before about our love. They just need to hear that you exist and understand whom they are giving their son to. I wish my imagination could become real. I was longing to find you, since I was 16 year old. I just knew that, no matter what; I'll find you, sooner or later! I believe God should be kind to us, because we've both suffered enough to find our second half. I'm sure we deserve to love and to be loved by each other. I'm just praying that our love can never end. NEVER IN ANY LIFE!


I was very cautious with the partners I've chosen. I had more woman whom I just dated for a few weeks and than realized that they were not for me. I didn't care about what they were saying concerning bed, because I have my own point of view regarding this sensitive and sensual subject. I can't give my body to just someone in order to get pleasure. I would rather do it by myself, this way I also learned a lot about my body. I like masturbating, but what I learned also is that the more I masturbate, the less sex. Desire I have afterwards. Of course I suffer a little bit, but I'm saving my desire and arousal to burst it all out when I, eventually, be in your hands and in your bed. I want it to be like fireworks, to burn everything around and to make us shine as the sun. I want to feel its heat, magic and strength.

It began with the raining that started on Thursday. I suddenly felt that I need to write, I had this incredible flow of thought, which I directed to the paper. It helped me a lot, it calmed me down, took away the sad and worrying thoughts that kept coming to my mind because you didn't call. I treated a couple I suddenly saw how beautiful and sweet these people seem from the distance, how they look at each other, how they discuss their family problems, how they recall events from the past that were spent together. They talked about how wonderful it was at the very beginning to be together, to love each other, feel each other's presence, to care about each other. For the past two nights I was really struggling with myself, I'm thinking about our first intimacy and how deep it will be and how we will remember it for the rest of our life. 'Struggling,' because every night I see you in a dream, how we make love and I want to prolong this dream but I can't. I wake up being wet, feeling I want more and more of our crazy sex! How I want it! I think that my desire is strong enough to let things happen in their best way!

"Will you open your heart and legs?" I compared the vagina with the soul is because a soul has feelings and a conscience, a women secret place also has two of them. When you are betrayed or feel guilty, you either cry or feel ashamed, that's your soul makes you feel like this. I understand that a women "little" soul has the same feelings. A woman never let anyone touch it only because someone wanted to, the sexual intercourse is not the everyday thing, it's not like eating, drinking and breathing. It's much more, making love to a person and feeling- you two becoming one, giving your breath and your cry to her. I've not yet met a person with the high sexual drive, not with the high ability to "fuck" someone, but with this natural, powerful drive. I think it's our destiny and we will have billions and billions of these minutes more, if we want to. I send a kiss to your soft and passionate lips, I touch you in the places where you want me to touch you, A woman should be very aroused before she will give her little soul to the man, she really loves, to the man of her life!

Every man main goal is to have sex. He might be a jerk, a nice guy, or a combination of both. It doesn't matter what type of person a guy is. He wants to get into women pants. Ever man dream is to have the most beautiful women in his arm. Every woman I have gone out with, I would stare into their eyes and try to see what they are thinking "Is this man out to fuck a lot of women or is he on his search for his one and only/" If she thinks you are out to find the one, she then believes she could be the one. If you were out for a fuck, she would not give you the time of day. Both of these paths involve sex and that is what most women fail to realize. I am not saying that every man that approach a women she should sleep with. I am saying that a woman should find out by talking to the man and if you want love you have to love. No one wants to show up where they're not wanted. Show someone you want him or her welcome them with open arm. The two women that I fell in love with were loving toward me since day one. They hugged me, kissed me, held my hand. Do you know how that made me feel? Loved and accepted. I hate when I met someone and they are not so touchy with you. Not relax or happy to see you. How is that a person can know you want to be with you if you don't open up? Even a simple holding of the hand tells someone you want him or her. The sex could enter into the relationship then after the friendship has been consummated because the sex sets the relationship apart from all other relationships and friendships. The sex is what heightens the intimacy but only after establishing trust those two people would normally seek. Sex is so important to a relationship for this reason, it is important to establish a sense of unity and this is why I believe so strongly in monogamy. Why do someone cheat on you? I think they just don't respect you and value you enough. At the moment of betraying you they must have though of the pain they would go through As a consequence of their action. Is the action worth the pain later? How valuable was the person They cheated on was to them. I don't think we are truly capable to posses the love that I speak of for more than one person at a time. I want my lover to have all of me…not to have to share or question my sexuality and I expect the same, but in our society somehow this seems so hard to find.



PART 57


When I make love to someone, I want it to be with my soul and my entire entity, not just the tomb that houses them. Outward beauty is skin deep while inner beauty extends from the skin to the soul. I believe that I am in love with someone, whom I've yet to meet. I take a journey everyday, hoping to meet my soulmate, my one true love. My body burns with the desire to meet someone to share my hopes, dreams, thoughts, ambitions, and body, but someone who will share my fears, my hurt, my pain, and my sorrow. Who will be my backbone when I am week? As Celine Dione sings, "my eyes when I can't see, my voice when I couldn't speak" someone to provide the air for me when I can't breathe. If you give yourself the chance to get to know me, I will surrender to you everything in me, about me.

Once again I sit here staring into this screen wondering why I am not crawling in bed next to you. Perhaps it is fate or destiny that we have come together to join in this love. I have ended my entire quandary in the realization that I Love You. It is just that simple. I know what my heart feels for you and I know that it jumps each and every time I hear from you. My only purpose now I feel is to please you. I want to break all existing records if the Longest Love Affair ever. I wish that you were with me right now sweetheart, I would give anything to have you here holding me, my naked body fitting snugly against yours. Would you make Love to me then? Tonight and every night for eternity? I will listen intently to every word that you have to tell me. I wish your soft voice would wish me sweet dreams tonight and every night. God, how I am desperate to have more of you. Is this too much for you to be hearing right now? I know we are still adapting to all of this all of the changes that are happening so fast. I desire you and it overcomes my every thought, my every wish and prayer is to have our vision realized. I would love to spend some time privately with you. I wish I knew the magic word or could wave my magic wand and I could be there so you would not have to question any longer. Can you hear the longing in my voice now my Love? I long for a voice; I long for a touch my body aches for you. Please do not believe that I am like the "others" I wish I could show you so that we could not prolong this any longer. I NEED you sweetheart, I wonder sometimes what it is that I need to say to you to convince you that I am real. I never want to have anyone on a string led by sex or otherwise. I NEVER would want anyone to feel that they HAVE to love me and yet I was always the one who felt alone and thought that there must be something wrong with me? I wish SO BADLY that you would help me prove my theory right by just loving me for me an letting me love you forever they way I want to (and know you need me to). Contradictions lie in perspective, it is all in your view, will you listen to me and trust me now? Will extend a loving hand and guide me to let me show you that I am different from anyone else. I can only be "him" through your love sweetheart... it only works this way

The next time I make love to someone, whether it is aggressive or slow passionate and long, I want that person to be my last. I don't want to give myself for the only reason of just having sex. Yes, I have done that in the past, and it just makes me feel emptier than before I had done it. Not because it wasn't good, but because the other person "wasn't there". They weren't giving their soul to me, to embrace. I want to feel the energy of the other person. I want them to feel my energy. I want them to FEEL my love for them, inhale it, and treasure it. I want it to be magical and powerful. The person I will love forever will not take this for granted. They will cherish it for as long as she lives. I take you into my arms and glide my right hand across your face. A face so soft and pure it begs for attention. You are so beautiful in my arms. I lightly breathe on your lips as you wait for my mouth to close so that you will be able to kiss me again and again. The kiss is the most intimate form of affection we can share. It binds us together as one and expresses our love and affection for one another. It arouses excitement in our bodies and introduces us to a passion that is so intense it threatens to devour us. Every nerve ending is ignited as this night builds into a fiery burst of passion.

Why haven’t I met you? Why do I always meet the ones that have a one track road, Why if there are sensitive and worthwhile women in this city haven't I met them? Is it my career? My looks? My black Jeeps. I have no answers, but I definitely know one thing, there is hope that in this cold and lonely city. Do you know that time of the morning when the sun is still coming out? There is an inner silence that sweeps over the land. For me that is my best time, the early morning. A cold breeze can be felt enveloping reality, a tingling feeling runs over me. It starts at my feet to later go up and up and up through my spine until it reaches my face. My fingers, my body. There is nothing better than a new day. A clean slate! I am now getting in touch with what I want, who I am what I can contribute, who I want to become, its a long and tiresome journey but I I've begun hopeful that at the end what I find will be worth it. I think that my quest in finding you has to do with that that sense of reconnecting to something I have inside of me that I always knew I had. Though was not quite sure how to access it. I have had glimpses of it through my life, but never, never have I felt this passion. This passion that envelops my every moment. A passion so pure and loud that it does not allow me to sleep at nights-demanding acknowledgment, demanding energy and time.

At the end of the each and everyday we would make love inside a circle of light a candlelight circle. We would do it slowly merging as one. She would look into my eyes the whole time. She would take her time whispering words in my ears delicately, yet constantly. The essence. Of me. My nature would be slow and strong, she would be able to feel me, all me, my fears, my pains. my joys, .my sorrows, .my anger, my hopes, and my faith. She would hold my hand in understanding and acceptance of it all. She would harden her grasp as it became harder and harder, until the end at that climax we would melt as one. She would wipe the sweat from my forehead. She would kiss my cheeks. My mouth she would tell me her love for me. She would wipe away my tears and we would laugh holding each other until eternity. She would open herself up to the point of becoming vulnerable becoming open honest needy, afraid and she would hold me knowing that in my arms. She would find love. I consider that the ultimate surrender. A surrender to the darkest side of yourself. An acknowledgment of that side to let somebody see you completely for all that you are. If you would give me that. I would be yours forever. Something has broken inside me. I do not know how to take away this pain. I wish I could just move past this and yet I don’t want. My life is full of visions of love of glimpses of passion, of moments of honesty and clarity. Yet I want the whole structure of love the whole everlasting dream the one everlasting climax. I know I am helped and supported by Light yet its not all about being helped its about me.



PART 58


I am glad God is my Best Friend. That is I guess how I can see more than the eye can see and yet see nothing, if you can understand this statement. You know I love older people. Most of my patients are elderly. I learn much from them. They too have made some similar, some different mistakes and have found solutions or clearer vision to truth. Some are so embedded in their conditioning afraid to admit there is a different way, and others paved the way for more joy and vision so to speak. I find much beauty in older folk, like grown up kids, it seems we start at infancy and return to infancy as you find most elderly not so aggressive as younger people. They too are so
vulnerable. In life I am more attach to children and older people, more so than people my own age, it could be that I find much truth and validation of my views in the elderly, they always tell me I am an old soul, yet I feel as though I am a little child. I guess experience teaches us wisdom and I was lucky to notice a few things upon the
path. I remember being afraid of older people, some looked so mean, and (maybe at the time it was my fear). Then one day there was this one lady, who was so mean, I do not know what happened, but I spoke to
her and got her a cup of tea on our break, and asked her stuff as most inquisitive kids do. Well I knew she was not a mean old lady, but a very nice one inside, I guess she too was protecting her vulnerability. I loved helping out and chatting with them. It was like God wanted me to be there, so then when I heard people complaining
about older people, I would remind them how important they are and that they have much wisdom to share. I learned not to fear people who were different

I was thinking about a women I liked, it was as though there was a special connection, and yet she talked about her house and dog, yet somehow failed to mention her child and husband. This crushed me big time as I liked her. But you know on the positive note, she never did anything to violate her boundaries with his family. I asked her why she did not mention them and she said she keeps her family to herself. I said if you are happy, you will be talking about them all the time. So putting two and two together knew there was imbalance in her life. I said that I had no intention of crossing anyone's boundaries or getting in the way of anyone's marriage. Yet it was like God wanted me to speak my truth to her and I did. I could hear her soul talking to me and yet she was unaware. I think I freaked her out a little. The funny thing was that I did not know anything yet knew stuff only they knew. Most people look for what is missing in them and then when it is fulfilled, tragedy strikes, they no longer serve the purpose and the so-called love is lost. Love is not this way at all. Love does not seek to be fulfilled it is fulfilling in itself, it creates and gives. When my parents argued, wow, it scared me when I heard anyone fight, I would like cease up. Yet you learn that arguing is a good thing, as it outlets pockets of unverbalized feelings etc. All our emotions are good and serve a purpose, and it is not to suppress them. Anger is so often abused and projected negatively, it leaves very deep scars that only God can heal. A lot of people look to control others as a way of feeling loved, but it is not the way. Love is not easy and yet is not that hard either. It just is, like a river that flows and knows it’s coarse, it just runs endlessly. Do not be afraid to be the example of love in this world, remember you are God's vessel to clear the vision and show love's truth to those who are blinded by superficiality. They just do not know and do not remember. Speak your truth when you are not being treated with respect it is OK for them to learn about you, and if they have no interest, then I guess that is your sign that other things are more important.

I wish I had someone to come home to. I wish I have you to some home to the warmth of your embrace and the softness of your kiss will make all things better. We will soak for hours in a bath, drinking wine and making passionate love in the dim candlelight. Yes, I am passionate. I don't have sex for the sake of having it. I don't do things half-heatedly I am an enemy of mediocrity. So if I was to love, I love with everything or nothing at all from head to toe, no inhibitions, as we don't pass judgment to those we truly love. Someone told me before that you know your love is for real when you think of the other person's needs before anything and that she looks after you the same way. This way, you look after one another. I believe that to be true. My happiness is multiplied a million-fold seeing that my love is happiness. But then again, for now my happiness is bound by coming home with a hope that a note is waiting for me saying "that someone was thinking of me too”.

I think I have missed several chances to be happy and now it just depresses me so to the point I am starting to just do everything to try not to think about it. I am ready and I guess if it was supposed to happen earlier in life it would have, but now that I am ready. I have no sight to when I will have another chance. Sometimes I feel I should just go out and meet more women and start to date, but you know what comes along with that, sex and you know I just threw out all my old shoes I have enough now and I don’t need to try any more on. I just feel so lost sometimes and you know I love rollercoasters but this emotional one. It is not fun. HERE IT IS >>>>WHAT IF? What if this is it? What if I am destined to be alone or what if I have already had my chance at happiness and have passed it up. You know I don't think I have passed it up. I think SHE has passed it up not realized it. WHO IS SHE? Who knows it could be ANYONE that knows me? Do you think she will come back in time to get me or will our boats drift apart in this vast ocean where there seems to be NOT MANY FISH SWIMMING LATELY? If they are already in my circle of friends well then, they must know me right? I am not winning this race I am coming in second place and I don't like that. I am wasting too much time alone sulking here in my room and by not enjoying life and going out and doing things I love to do. We have put so much pressure on ourselves to find the right one and on top of our own pressures we have EVERYONE ELSE breathing down our necks (it feels sometimes) about getting older getting married dating ect ect... THE PRESSURE IS SO GREAT SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO SAY STOP! If we could just stop listening to everyone and just try to sit back and not stress about finding that one? Maybe we are pressuring ourselves to the point of unhappiness. I THINK I have come to an understanding who I meet must please me and not anyone else in my family or my friends. They will be MY significant other, MY Friend, Lover, Fiancee, Wife...not anyone else’s...Are we trying to please everyone else subconsciously with who we choose or are we just pleasing ourselves? . I know what I want and I know what I need and I know what I have to do to get it, but it just seems to be out of reach. It is always out of reach. I feel that I reject people who really care about me and want those I know I cannot have. WHY CAN’T WE HAVE OUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO? WHY does the POWER above seem to just put it out there for us and we choose NOT TO accept it right away if at all? ARE WE CHOOSING not to chose not to accept because we are afraid, scared that that person may actually bring us to a place of happiness and peace or that they might dig us up out of our lonely spell only to hurt us and cast more harm than good? I feel we are afraid well at least am of actually being happy. I have been so alone and unhappy for years that I know NOTHING ELSE BUT ONELINESS what happens when you are not lonely and afraid anymore? . I think WE COULD ACTUALLY BE AFRAID of finding that answer OUT! Does that sound crazy?



PART 59


I?m emotionally and soulfully needy. I need to hear that you love me on a constant basis. I need to be shown. I need to be grabbed and hugged and kissed and caressed and cherished and made love to and told how you cant live without me. Another thing that bugs me about people is their lack of commitment. If you say you're going to call...CALL! Don?t put me through it otherwise. I don?t need that kind of torment. Call me without my expecting it. Make my day. Ill do the same for you. Its true, I?m quite protective of my heart, I guard it, and I?m very sensitive. Should the right person come along, they will be able to melt my walls and truly be amazed by the warmth and sweetness and love that I?m dying to give. How my body aches, my heart, for that person, who can be the receiver of all I have to give. You can only go so long holding all of this in for somebody.

woke up crying the other morning. I had a dream that I was dying. I would be dead in a few days. That scared me. You?d think after that id have a new outlook, that I would be happy just to be alive, but no. That same night I fell asleep almost crying in my loneliness. My despair. My miserable depressed state. I'm one in a million so why is there no one? Why am I alone? Love is necessary, to me anyway. I need physical affection. How much right do I simply crave a hug, from someone, anyone, with some sympathy for me? I need human touch and I've been severely lacking. Why isn't there someone lying next to me, holding me, destroying all my demons? I don?t need to go out to enjoy myself. I don?t need anything fancy to be entertained. I love to sit at home and watch movies. To sit, do nothing at all. Lay in bed all day. Slow dance in your living room. Eat. Cook. Drink wine, which I?m still trying to acquire a taste for. I like to watch you sleep. I know you like to watch me. I want you to. Don?t say anything. Or tell me everything. Sometimes there needs to be nothing except the profound gaze between two people?s eyes where they know everything and can feel each other?s soul. I love to just stare at you. Look in your eyes. We are comfortable in silence. And in laughter and crying. But we all need the physical too. Tell me how much you want me. Better yet, show me. Tease me. Torment me. Enjoy my body. Whatever you want. I enjoy it all (or at least I think I will)...sweet and slow or dirty and kinky. I need to learn to let go. Help me do that. ...

I look to no one to verify my existence; I look to find that one to share my existence with. I believe that people are set on paths that no matter what happens those paths don't change. That every meeting, every accident, and every coincidence is for a reason. There is nothing I wouldn't do to feel that intimacy at this moment. Will I find her? Yes. I know it. I have always known it. I feel her. This is a word that originates two separate words that come together in unity to form one beautiful word that has new meaning when put together. Is that what you want. Someone, who will accept you as you, can you accept another as they are? I can. I do. I only wish I had one who was capable of accepting me as I am. It is my true desire, nothing more, nothing less. You have not seen souls; you have seen masks of those who don't know their own souls. Well I will let you know I see my soul, I see what your soul is, and I need not your eyes to see that, for if I did, I may see the beginning and the end. The eyes are the windows to the soul that is true, but it takes a very special person to see those souls. Can you see behind the tears to the joy, or pain? The true emotion of the soul. Can you see love in the soul? Is love and emotion, or a feeling, or is love the embodiment of the soul. This is the only thing that makes life worth living for me?the tiny novellas that come from daily life, the beauty of the day and the pearls of wisdom that come of it. I there am certain psychology's that discuss this notion and how often we are disillusioned by it. How often many people expect Love to right all of the wrongs of the world?and in a sense It does however, it is just as complex as it is in its simplicity because we are often disillusioned by how it presents itself to us?many people are simply in Love with being in Love as I guess is true for myself admittedly however, when Love arrives it is often not packaged in the way that people expect it to be. Love to me is something inside of me?it is a feeling of joy and anxiety and obsession and every emotion known to man?so, I was discussing this with my friend last night and we were talking about whether it would be better to be initially attracted to someone's esthetics and then dig deeper or to see Love in the beauty of someone's soul as the out appearance is secondary?. Of course I believe that to love someone for their soul is more important that loving a person for the package that they arrive in?. There really is no denying that there has to be a certain physical attraction between two people however, if their soul is beautiful then this would show through sensually and esthetically for only those who could appreciate the authentic beauty of such a person. I feel like I am evolving all the time?I feel like my soul and my personality are becoming more aligned with each other as I move further in to its maturity.

Did you ever read something that you felt spoke directly to you as if someone plagiarized your soul and really understood how you were feeling and what you were going through? When I was younger I don't think that I really understood myself I felt like I was different and misunderstood by everyone else .I started inhabiting bookstores at Barnes and Noble for the answers .I usually the "self-help" section or the metaphysical. I saw a little of myself in every passage and I thought maybe I am just "different". When I went to College. I saw little snippets of myself there too in philosophy, psychology even in physics and calculus and then I began to wonder? Maybe I am schizophrenic or something have multiple personalities a d therefore the paranoia set in as I realized no one will ever understand me or maybe I just think too damn much and really I should just try to fit in and think to myself quietly. I felt this awkwardness all through my 20's this aloneness. My fitting in scheme failed miserably a even in a crowded room or a city full of people or even a relationship I still felt alone with myself and my thoughts made me uneasy. When I turned thirty I studied obsessively. This scared me too obsession for the answers. And still I was empty what's worse was that I was misunderstood on an even greater level my thoughts, my ideas, my passions would all sneak out into the verbal and then this shy guy turned into a real "Woolfe-like" weirdo. Or did I just find the answers by tapping into my soul? Could my so-called obsession really be just a passionate man? Could all my little "selves" just be the variables into the big equation? And suddenly I understood that my selves are really very simple; sexual, artistic, entrepreneurial and spiritual a would be compassionate husband and an ever evolving individual. Suddenly they are drawn to me; wayward souls seeking answers just like me I wish I had time for each and every one. I am getting older now and am just missing "the one my other half that's what the ancient philosophers tell me the Love of antiquity my twin soul and the only woman for me. My soulmate is not just anybody to me she is a woman of honor, with deep values, confidence in herself as not to "lose herself" in me. We are each separate entity but are at one with each other eternally there is distance between us but in our dreams we are together. This sacred woman is gentle with my feelings but, understands that I have wings to fly and only she can fly with me in tandem She will challenge me but, love me tenderly will not be afraid to communicate so that we may grow in relationship together lovingly. Relationship is a priority to me and must be fed daily to ensure its longevity In the woman I seek I will value her passion wants and needs we will mirror each other but, compliment and balance each other spiritually. Although it has been lonely without you my soulmate I have needed some time to establish myself as an individual there is always unfinished business in the evolution but I feel like I have taken this journey as far as I can alone and my soul is calling for you. Should You choose to pursue however please tread softly I have had my share of soul scrapers, liars, cheaters and can spot them from miles away easily.



PART 60

Why is there so much sadness in the world when life is full of choices? It is so complex and yet it would seem that love should be so simple. Choosing to love makes the whole world look different. Yet it is so difficult, so scary leaving us so vulnerable. What if we are left there lying in the street naked and beat up from our defeat? As if no one knows our name or calls us on the phone .We love so much and yet are left so alone. Love has made my world look silvery and made me feel my toes and every hair on my head but each time the defeat kills me just a little more. I become colder and bury myself further and further into work, academia things that cannot hurt me. Sex to me puts me in touch with my soul. I am a very sexual person and without sex my life is vanilla incomplete. Throughout the last several years of my life I have given up on love. The pain did not seem worth enduring any longer and so I turned to writing so that I may give birth to something. My body came alive again can be anyone that I want to be here. Speak to the Gods and have my voice be heard after my pleading breath seemed to only fall onto deaf ears. My desires are so simple and yet the hardest thing in the world to find. The older I get I realize what has become important to me and what my life seems to be so lacking desperately. Love true love. It is out there?

I often wonder to myself will I ever fill this emptiness in my soul that has been there since my youth? I always feel like I am acting like there is this certain role that is expected of a me. He must be strong, powerful and hold he own but take care of everyone else in the process. I had to assume the role early. I got so used to it that as I got older I sought it and of course all in the wrong relationships. It is so easy for me to get into the "wrong" thing I am so giving and it is impossible for me to let go even if it is hurting me. I decided that it was time to be entirely true to me I wasn't married, didn't have any kids so I decided would take a final chance at the blind ambition and try to fulfill the missing piece to my Love equation. I am frustrated now beyond belief not that I mind being independent and alone but, I almost hear my unborn children and see their little faces in my dream. This scares me don't want to get into the wrong situation because of my jumping penis or have sex with the wrong person in my need. I have done this before and I was always sorry. My Mother keeps telling me to be patient but it are so hard for me. How does one go about bridging the distance between my body and my dream? I?m really out of answers and I have all but given up agree lip service just is not enough but, begging for Love and pleading for understanding doesn't work either. Is there a meaning in all this madness? My quest for Love has taken me to some strange places. Everyone tells me that it doesn't exist. I would love to prove them wrong. I would love to be the one to set the precedent for Love and the longest romance known to man. The one that transcends lifetimes and is the stuff that dreams is made of. Then I think Wow! I hope I am capable of this but it is so simple. It is not about expensive gifts, making lots of money, or being really smart or beautiful to attract a partner the beauty is simply found in caring about another bringing some light to the day to day matters. The thought of my lover would bring a smile to my face when I'm having a bad day I just knowing that I will have be in her loving arms to hug all my fears away. It is about sharing life and becoming part of each other melting together and weaving lives and lifetimes together. The web of life isn't that it? Those tiny little pieces of daily silk strung into the web create the strength of a thousand lifetimes. OK are my idea fact or fantasy? Is this just another ideal or could it really be reality? At this point in my life I feel like I would take the leap to find out perhaps I will be left again in my pile of defeats naked and run over by the trucks in the street but, I am giving Love one last chance to prove everyone wrong and live the life I have imagined I will still work on me but, how I long for someone to make it worth while. And make life silvery for her and for me.

I am unarmed and naked before the world but, the only way for her to find me is to bear my soul so that she will know it is little me over here on the other side of the screen dying to be in her arms and protected by her melt her body into mine and be at one with my dream. I have prayed for you every night too, my Darling. Even if you are not the one, even if you are not the one in my dreams, even if you are not the one who has come to rescue me, who I was sent to rescue. Please know that you are not alone. If this is not meant to be, then please, at least know that you do have a friend who empathizes with you. You are not alone. Do you know that all we really have is today? This minute, this second are all defining what and who we are forming and shaping our lifetime and experience. Each minute is like a little pearl that we string together to build a beautiful necklace. These events define who we are and in some sense we do have some say in the outcome. What if we found something beautiful in each day so that we could reflect on those happy times when things don't really seem to be going our way? Here is an example and I really had never thought of going to the grocery store as a metaphor for a spiritual journey but such as it is this happened to me. I was loading up my Jeep with my purchases for the day and I looked up and directly into the eyes of an old man coming my way. I smiled at him and said "Hi...how are you doing?" He said "I am very sick, and I am dying." So I said "why don't you tell me about it". We spent the next 20 minutes together and as it turns out he is dying of cancer, but, in his eyes I saw a sparkle when I asked him about his life and what he enjoyed doing. He told me he was a cab driver in the city. He was adorning a Yankees cap and smiled at me when we were talking. He said he was happy in his life overall and his wife stood proudly next to him holding his arm. He said that he would rather be dead that feel as terrible as he did because he couldn't even enjoy the simple things that meant so much to him. Taking a walk with his wife or driving his cab and meeting all kinds of people. We parted ways then and he asked for my name, he smiled and said..."I hope I see you here again" and walked slowly away. This touched me so deeply, and is what gives my life true meaning, but it makes me understand why I have to enjoy each and every second of my life because it is so fleeting.

There are people whom I know acquaintances who seem to know what is best for me and yet have never taken the time to listen or understand me. I know that they think they are the solution to my life if you can understand this. I just wish other people could stop projecting their ways upon me. If I do not walk to their beat there is something wrong with me and they have to do something about it. Usually like the dream I am the one left damaged. I do not hate them, just feel hurt and betrayed as they never say their true intentions and just want to know what is going on. Sometimes I feel helpless to this and just keep asking God to intervene for sometimes I do not have the energy to deal with them as they do not listen and understand. God's promise that all will be well. I just pray that I do not become that way and respect the way each person is. As I do not come from their experience and I can only know through empathy what they are going through. But to force my ways upon them is not the way.


PART 61


My faith in you runs deeper than words could ever express to you right now. You hear my heart and soul but yet you have not looked into my eyes when I speak about you to others. They see, they know they fear for me what your greatest fear for your heart has been. My love the power that you hold over me is something that is frightening to everyone, everyone but me, for I am the one, the only one who can stand up to anyone and everyone and say without a doubt that you are the woman I am meant to be with. Of course you don't know these people, some very close to me, others who have come to know me and care and yes, that would include women who I have dated. They too know who I am, what I am about, what I want, what I need to feel complete and also the fact that I will not settle for less. I need to know that without a doubt in your mind that you would forever feel safe and secure in our love for anything short of your being positive would be settling and that I can not do. More than anything I need your total honesty for that I will love you forever for giving to me.


My Precious Love. Does it sound so strange to be telling you how much I miss you when I don't we are not lay in each other's arms? I have shut myself off to anyone's thoughts of reasoning and have put my entire faith into your hands to do with as you please. Is this so wrong? I wish I was with you tonight, I need to look into your eyes and feel your body pressed up against mine. I want to hear the beating of your heart. I want our memories to begin. I have loved all that we have given to each other and know that even if we are to go to sleep in each other's arms and wake up every single morning together we will never loose what we already share. Our dreams, they are here, we deserve to be together. To commit 100% means to take that leap of faith and come together. I have a need for you to see me, who I am, what I look like, to tell you about my life and where and why I feel comfortable. It will all come together, the picture will be clear and only then will we be able to move in the direction we are longing to be with each other. I sometimes wish that I could loose a thought of you, it's so hard, and it hurts so much not to be with you. I am always wondering if you think of me as often and as nice as it may sound to hear I would hope for you that it were not the case. It's so hard now, there's that empty feeling not being next to you at the start of the day, at the end of the day and not even knowing how your days are going for you. Do you understand how I feel or do I sound crazy? Sometimes I think that I am obsessed with you to the point that I feel so out of control. I doubt not my feelings inside my heart, for a second. I love you every minute of every day and then some.

I will say it again and again. I love you; there is no doubt. I need to sleep with you and wake up with you. I want to share, make plans, dream, and make our dreams come true. I want what no one in the world but you can do for me. Complete me as I will do for you, together our life is going to be a lesson for the world to see. Soulmates are a reality, never giving up, holding on knowing that we were real, that our time would come, and now knowing that it is our time to come together. You are so wonderful. I miss you so much each and every minute of the day I feel like writing it across the sky for all to see. My wish for the rest of you...find the center of your universe for when you do, you'll then be the richest person in the world. My emotions are making it impossible for me to focus on anything other then thoughts of you. I try sometimes to stop myself from thinking about you but I can't. You are so deep inside of me that there's no where to turn but here to try and feel as close as I can get. I want so much to feel your body pressed against mine. I have never felt a need for anyone the way I feel I need you. I have no control anymore, nothing ever seems quite right when the day begins and ends. I miss you terribly these days. Yes, in my heart you are always present. Perhaps the only thing clear to me these days is just that. My heart and soul belong to you. What do you intend to do with them for only you hold the answers now? It's so hard falling asleep without you by my side, not knowing how you are, if your day was a happy one, I lay there for hours wondering what you are thinking. My heart is what keeps me going all the love that I feel for you is so intense that I can't imagine that you can't feel me there with you. I often wake up through the night and turn to reach out for you and a sadness comes over me to find that I can't touch your body. I feel a loneliness now; will I ever escape these feelings of emptiness until you are here with me? I feel so out of control. I need to find my balance again but it seems impossible without you now. You are a part of me. I need to be with you more and more as each day goes by. It feels so unbearable each day to face and accept that I have no control of anything that has to do with you. I only know I can't let go. It's taken so long; it's impossible for me to turn away. I sometimes wonder if you would ask me to how I would cope, the thought is too hard for me to think about so I quickly leave that place that feels so cold. I feel the aching inside of me, the emptiness that would go along with that request but I love you so much. I want you to be happy, to feel complete, I want to be the one to be there with you always, to make you happy, to see you through everything, to share our lives together but if you should ask me to leave, I know what I have to do.

How much I want to be making love to you right now, a feeling that never leaves me and surely never will. You never leave me, I feel you with me always, even when I try to let go of a thought, if only for a moment just to try and make it through the day knowing that SOON has no time. I can't let go knowing that inside my soul you already reside. There's that magical feeling, the one I always speak of, and the reason I could never settle for anyone less then my soulmate. So few have ever understood and say it is not a reality I speak of but I know it exists for you hold that magic, you are my soulmate, you feel so good to me. What I wouldn't give to have you with me right now. It's going to be so hard letting go of paradise when we are together but that's what makes the days all worth it, knowing paradise is just hours away waiting for us to share. I wait for my sweet love to be with me. I want to make love to you. I need to feel your body and yes. I want to fuck you until the end of time.



PART 62


My sweet soulmate, I belong to you, you know that, right? Let me, my heart, and soul, all that I am, reaching out here and trying to feel your touch. You seem so far away from me. I went to sleep with feelings of sadness and woke up with an emptiness that only you would be able to fill. Why is this, will I be left to feel just as I do at this very moment? This fear, the darkness that remains at the light of day, it's so cold, I am reaching out to you to feel the warmth that I have come to want and need so much. Deep inside I cry, my heart is open wide, it feels pain, where did all the sunshine go? Did my soulmate leave me behind, did she loose sight of our visions together, have less faith in our being or was this but my dream, something I imagined on my own? No, my heart and soul speak louder then words could ever know. To love does that mean it must be returned? Tears flow for I know this is not true. I love you. With all the yesterdays, today and tomorrow?s I will forever know that my heart, my soul, all that I am will go on loving you. I'm missing you so much. You are inside of me, I can feel you always, it scares me, that wanting, the needing to always be asking for more. Is it selfish of me, I keep asking myself. Is it not enough to feel at peace just knowing I have found my soulmate? I am trying so hard to keep my word, I want you to know how much you can always count on my loving you forever. I never doubt what I feel for you my love, you are a part of me and with loving me comes an even greater gift, perhaps the greatest one that life has to offer. There's nothing that makes me happier then the thought of loving you, giving you the security and comfort in knowing that I will forever belong to you. I walk around in this world that belongs only to you and I and there's no stronger power then the one that exists in our love. I have to believe that you feel the energy between us, which you feel all the passion that we have. Our destiny, the one we have chosen. We are one, no distance; no words will ever take that away. I sometimes grow impatient; I just keep longing to touch the body of the only woman that I will ever want. I love you so much. I would hope that you would never forget that you are my world, the center of my universe. There is no price tag, it's not something that can be bought, and nothing feels quite like it, it's so special, it's to be cherished for the rest of time and I do. Our dreams are endless and together we will share the reality that they bring. There's no greater woman then my soulmate, together we hold the key to love, peace, and happiness always to have and to hold in heart and soul, our bodies will come together with the freedom to express all that we feel, just as the words that we write brings warmth to let us know we are one, we are whole. I love you so much.


I wish only to give in to your open arms, to yield to them. Such surrender I dream of. A surrender that leaves my breath in my throat and I can not exhale nor inhale at that moment. A surrender that leaves me completely and utterly at your mercy. A mercy that will fulfill my deepest desires that I dare not utter. There is no need to utter such words when you feel my body respond in kind to your own. You hear my breathless hums that escape from my lips. I have lost all reason in this place of now. I am now with you only and this surrender has brought me here. It has taken me to a place I no longer know who I am, or maybe I am going to who I truly am. Please do not stop this torture I demand to feel. You know what you do to me, you know how I will respond but this time you have gone far beyond what I may ever comprehend. This time you have pushed me to a point I will not return to. I do not care who is around, I do not care if they see. I only care for you to continuously be as you are. I only care that our bodies are together in a blaze of flames. I only care that I have no voice left for l if e. I only have my body to offer you now, no words will ever suffice to what I feel at this present moment. I feel much like a tidal wave within my body, building to great heights and strength far out at sea. These waves wash over me as they bathe my soul with ecstasy. I am no longer in the present I am no longer in the past, I cannot see the future for I have left this place to somewhere else. I have soared to a place far above this uncivilized world. A place where I wish to never leave. You have sent me on this journey. A journey of surrender like I have never known. My eyes lock with yours as I drown in these waves. I cannot hold them steady with yours for they are closing with the heaviness of my desire for you. I cannot see you for they are clouded by the tears I shed for our union. A union that has come to only by this surrender of oneself.

My inner me is crying out to be set free from this sexual hold that it has on me. It limits me from all that I can be. Maybe this is what God is showing me in through those people. I am hurting lot and want to be loved and accepted and that sex for me is the validation of who I am. I know sex is not the true validation my heart seeks. My wish for myself is that my soul can truly experience love the way it is meant to be experienced, not by need but by the beauty of its entirity. Each person you meet whether good or bad is a gift to you and it is how you receive it and how you bless it that reveals you.

You tell yourself that you will not let this person hurt you again. You say to yourself that no matter what I will move on. If it was really that easy I would not be feeling the way I feel. Feeling used by someone I love, trusted, and blessed. You get so comfortable with a person and than something happens, something always happens. That something always seems to be bad for me. At least with my relationships. I do not want to love anymore the way I loved before, but I know I will some day. Maybe next time I will actually be the one who is loved instead of being the one who seems to be the only one that adores. I am keeping my head up even though I want to cry every night, but what good will that do. I have to be good to myself and move on and hopefully be blessed with someone who deserves me.



PART 63


The spiritual crux of romance is the issue of surrender. Am I going through this life alone, or am I waking with my beloved?> Are we in competitors, or are we allies? Are we two parallel tracks, or are we entwined.

What is the goal of relationships?

-is the goal to have a warm body next to us?
-is the goal to create a home together
-is the goal to raise kids

of it the goal to find an enchanted realm of ever-expanding opportunities for growth of who we are and we we can be together, lightening both our inner and outer skies.


What it means to give something from the depth of ourselves, what it means to receive, what it means to make another person feel safe without indulging for our own issues, what it means to bless and support someone else, to avoid the temptation to abandon another, to avoid the temptation to attack another, to learn to be kind and patient even when we're not at all in the mood, and still...in the midst of it all---to not rely on another for either our sustenance or our wholeness.

It blows me away when people say they don't have time for a relationship. And what else is time for? For what other purpose are we living our lives? And can we really be passionate and creative in one area while we suppress our passion and creativity somewhere else? Love is daunting at times as it is compelling. The deeper our fear of the light at the center of ourselves, the deeper our fear of truly loving another. No matter how much a relationship blesses us, no matter how good it feels,and even perhaps at times because it feels so good, this soul medicine, when first offered up, can appear to the mind like a cup of poision.

We are anchored in love. Our ship is sturdy. Our love is to be depended on--not because its form will never change, but because someone else has given us their promise, with their eyes, with their actions, with their words, with their kisses, that this bond is neither small nor unimportant, that this commitment shall in some way last forever and this lifetime shall not be lived alone

It's obvious that all of us have suffered, and all of us make mistakes in life. yet all of us are trying our best. We can change our perception regarding the nature of human error, knowing that what is no love is but a call for love. Why not---if instead of mistrusting you....- I assume you're wounded, just like me and everyone else? Why not see the healing of our wounds as the reason we were drawn to each other. An intimate relationship will either magnify our guilt or magnify our innocence, depending on which we are committed to. And in our commitment to the love of God. In our forgiveness lies our healing, and we can only healed in ourselves of what we are willing to forgive in others.

I call up in you what I see in you. That does not mean I will stand for nonsense. It does not mean I will not have healthy boundaries. It does not mean I will play games. I does not mean you can take me for granted. or pull wool over my eyes, or act like a child. But it means I will keep my loving eye on you...the real you and I will always relate to that person I have seen. That you can trust that I will always be true to the truth I have seen within you.

My falling madly in love with you is a function of my soul. Yet the fact that I trust myself to surrender to the experience...because I know I won't do anything stupid that...that I will not shirk my worldly responsibilities or abdicate my own strenght

Help me, dear God. to see my loved one's innocence, and to help her see mine. As we admit our weaknesses, make us strong. As we admit our fears, make our love grow deeper.

Love is still wanting to hold someone after you climax. After the initial euphoria from the orgasm wears off, you’re replaced with a sense of calm rather than a panic. You don’t want to search for your clothes, scramble to find your keys and figure out the best way to tell them, “See ya later forever!” You’re fine with chilling out in bed with the person and maybe ordering pad thai later.

Love is unattractive. It can expose our worst traits: Jealousy, irrational fears, heated anger; the gang’s all here! While it can bring out compassion and tenderness, it can also make you behave like the ugliest version of yourself. That can be okay for a little while, but love with real longevity should be like a xanax rather than an adderall.

Love is not afraid to be schmaltzy. There’s a reason why the most popular love songs are so lyrically simple. You can drown it in metaphors all you want but love usually boils down to, “You make me so happy. I want to hold your hand. I just want u 2 be mine 4ever!” You can be a 50-year-old linguistics professor at Columbia University and still find something to relate to in a Mariah Carey ballad if you’re in love because the feelings are so universal. It’s humbling, isn’t it? No matter who you are or what your background is, love can reduce you to Mariah Carey mush.

Love is an all-consuming drug. It gives us these natural highs we’ve only read about in books or heard in songs. It’s addictive. It’s what keeps us going to bars, drinking glasses of wine, going to that stupid house party in Bushwick; it’s all for the possibility of finding love. In the wrong hands, love can be dangerous and scary. If someone lacks a healthy foundation, love can kill. All of these crimes you read about in the newspapers are usually linked to passionate love. “I did it because I loved them just…too much.”

Love is not what our parents had. In high school, you never wanted to think about your mother and father having once slept with people in the backseat of cars and feeling warm and happy. That would make it feel less special and young. It would make love have less to do with you when, EXCUSE ME, it has EVERYTHING to do with you.

Love is getting drunk with your significant other at a party and taking a cab home with your bodies intertwined. You feel safest in these moments, the most secure. Entering a social gathering with someone who loves you is the biggest security blanket. People leave the party as a parade of droopy expressions and sad cocktail dresses. But not you. “Sorry guys, I’m in love! I’m taking a car!”

Love is fucking stupid. Love is fucking smart. Love is about betraying yourself, of compromising your ideals for someone else’s approval. That’s actually the bad kind of love, but I guess it all blurs together when you’re young or when you’re old or when you don’t love yourself.

Love is your significant other telling you about their favorite album and then making a point to fall in love with it on your own. Love is wondering why your better half loves certain things. You think you can find remnants of them in their favorite films, books and songs, but you usually can’t.

Love is finding yourself feeling protective over someone else’s well-being Love is being incensed with rage when someone or something has done your lover wrong.

Love is wanting your partner to cum. And if they can’t, just say, “That’s okay. I’m enjoying this.” It might be bullshit, but they’ll be orgasming in the next five minutes. Trust me.

Love isn’t always marriage. Marriage is spending $60,000 so everyone can know that someone loves you. You know what’s certainly not love? Debt. In some cases, love can be divorce.

Love is a back massage, a mindfuck, a hard cock, a pair of perfect breasts, of feeling unashamed about the cellulite on your body. Love is someone giving a shit about you enough to argue. Love is not passive. Love is “Don’t fucking touch me right now.” Love is “Who the FUCK were you talking to?” Love is sometimes hating yourself for a second. Love is hate. Period. Indifference is the real killer of love and the true antithesis.

When love leaves you, you should be lying on your bathroom floor with no resolve. You’re smoking cigarettes in the bathtub and crying about everything bad that’s ever happened.

Love is someone seeing the beauty in you and wanting to bask in it every day all day. Love is not guaranteed. We are not owed love. That’s why when we get it, we know how lucky we are and hold on to it for dear life.

So, yeah. That’s what love is. Anyone know where to get some

I wan to speak to you of Love, the love that fills my heart for you. What do I say when words are so inadequate, when… human language has not formed the terms that the soul speaks to the heart, when it’s mate is found.

It is more than the love described by poets; they do not do justice to the love that flows from the soul to its mate.

In my love for you I demand nothing and expect nothing, it is unconditional. I am transformed in my response and this makes me safe. It is not just safe as in dull this unconditional love I have for you. When I think of you, I soar and explode into flames and colors of inner fireworks. I am the phoenix bursting forth from the flames of passion and desire, sexual, primal. I feel the abyss in my body that you stand upon, for this love connects me to you not only in soul but body as well. I feel what you feel. I know the hunger of you sexuality and I am feed by it as well, orgasmic explosion, unbidden, uncontrollable is my body’s response. I have loved before, but it is only my love for you as my Souls’ Mate, that has ever caused this in me.

My love for you is the Liquid Mind of Love. To quote Richard Shiningthunder Francis “The bird of soul flies through the blue skies of Mind towards the sun of Love.” You are spiritual Beloved, so what I am say you will understand. The love I feel when I think of you, talk to you, is magical, it is so rare, it is soul to soul and heart to heart, it is perfect loyalty and fidelity. My soul and heart sends this to you. This love did not come from nowhere. It is the results of loss, agony, and pain in this third dimensional education, which my soul used so that I become a clear vessel into which true love could be poured, to prepare me for you. To prepare me, to accept your seed which will flow in my blood, my body, becoming a part of me, down to the quanti of my being; which knows neither time nor space, linking us deeper, letting no part of myself be hidden from you, nor denied to you.

To submit to you, is to giving myself completely over to possession by you, the tranquil movement into impregnable serenity and radiant love. Beloved, when I give all of this in my submission to you, I lose nothing, I am submitting to Love and the gems that encircle it, goodness, kindness, compassion, joy, respect, fidelity, loyalty, understanding, commitment, etc. for these jewels lie within you. I know this, for we are the two halves of the One Soul separated. The Soul is timeless; it has infinite wisdom, and immense power. It is the fountain of unlimited love. Drink deeply with abandon from this fountain that pours forth, this fountain of my heart and soul.

We are born for love, I leap with an open heart, my mind closed, my heart throbbing into the Luxurious abyss of my love you. Beloved, my spirituality has taught me to harm no one physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. I do not play dice with people's hearts, and this keeps me sexually faithful and monogamous just as your spirituality has taught you.

In my love for you Beloved, I want you to be, do and have all the brilliant, creative, extraordinary and divine, that your heart desires, your mind can imagine, your soul can produce in your life. I want to sooth your fears when you worry. I want to hold you with tender arms when you are sad. I want to be in a bookstore with you one of your favorite places, and slip my hand inside your zipper, distracting you from reading that next fantastic novel, leaning into your chest, to conceal my action yet knowing we can be caught, looking into your eyes, as I draw out the divinely exquisite tool given to you by nature, and I caress it a warm hand that move up and down bring you sensual sexual pleasures. In my love for you as you come into the door I want to lead you to the couch, where you sit. and I to drop to my knees and draw that exquisite member out so that I can taste you, my tongue moving over the head of your penis, my mouth moving forward encircling it, sucking it as my hand is busy, stroking it. I want to show my love for you wherever you want to be shown, on the beach, in the car, on the stairs, on the open balcony of a hotel room, I want to touch you, taste you, and smell you, with intoxicating ecstasy when we make love, riding the crest of passion to the heights of heaven as our bodies join and we once again become One. I want to surrender myself, lose myself, in a sea of passion and desire with you. I want to yield to you in total surrender and flow with you on mind body heart and soul.


I want to kneeling between your legs to pay homage and worship your womanhood, I want to knee between my woman's leg and she cups my head with her hands, look directly into my eyes and tell me..."Her pussy is mine and I can do whatever i want with it". I want to worship her pussy and pay homage to her. I want to lower my face to her pussy so I can smell her sex., I want to make my pledge..... I am your devoted slave and servant. I promise to serve you, worship you, and suffer for your pleasure. If need be I will lay down my life for you. With that she slowly lower my head again to her pussy and just as my tongue enters her again pull my head away just inches and want me to beg for the privilege of licking her. When a male licks a Females pussy he is in reality worshipping her Womanhood and Her Superiority






POEMS THAT HAS TOUCH MY SOUL---Pablo Neruda
IF YOU FORGET ME
by Pablo Neruda



I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.


PART 64


When a man says he doesn’t want to get married, the underlying text tends to mean that he doesn’t want to marry you, not never ever. Unfortunately, most men I know will admit that breaking up with a girl is one of those things that they absolutely hate and try to avoid. Why? For various reasons logical only to their minds (and they call women the irrational sex…) such as the fact that they can’t abide tears or dislike the feelings of guilt that plague them when they see your face crumple up and fall. So what do they do then? They either stay in a dead-end relationship, dragging it out till the girl gets sick of them and dumps them or they start acting nasty, in the hope that the girl will get pissed and do the dirty deed instead. Sneaky? Possibly. Illogical? Most definitely.

Now, this is not to say that all men are the same. There are genuinely guys who cheat or want fuck buddies because they aren't ready for relationships or haven't found the right one yet (that being said, some guys may go through their entire lives never finding the right one or gaining the right frame of mind).

trust me though; if your man is dragging his feet and won’t commit, I can assure you that there is psychological babble associated behind such behaviour i.e. “Homeostasis”.

Homeostasis

A lot of guys are not comfortable with change. When a guy feels that his needs are met and he is happy with the status quo, he’s not going to want to change anything. Guys believe that you “don’t fix it if it ain’t broke”. They don’t have the same enthusiasm that women do about change for the fun of it or feel the need to jazz things up. For most guys, a set routine is good. Repetition is good. (That’s why video games fascinate them more than they do most women.)

Equilibrium Restoration

So how do you get a guy to snap out of this syndrome? You introduce a huge imbalance into the equation; a metaphorical earthquake i.e. to borrow the expression: “TURN OVER THE APPLECART”. When you upset the equilibrium, he will do anything to restore it back to the original level of comfort he was enjoying. If you say your price is marriage or commitment, he’d pay the price. However, that being said, be prepared to accept the good with the bad. Throwing your cards down on the table has its risks as well. If your gamble pays off, walking away will leave him running after you. After all, Life is a tango, when you keep stepping forward, the other party will step back. So taking a step back will allow the other person to step forward. If you walk away and he does not come running after you, then you’d know that he never would have come round to committing to you or giving you what you want, no matter how long you stuck it out in the situation.

Of course, it is never easy to walk away from someone, especially if you love the person. Breaking up or walking away may result in you being single for awhile and some people are not comfortable with that. You need to weigh out the pros and cons; is it really worth staying in a dead-end relationship that leads to nowhere? Ultimately, you’re just wasting precious time till you or him get sick of it, or you remain forever in situ; neither of which is worth it.

Sometimes, we have to go through a little hell to get to heaven. No one said it was easy but seriously, why prolong the heartache? The new cannot come if the old does not go. You never know, the perfect one for you who will give you what you want/need is out there but just needed the right timing and circumstances to occur.
).

Commitment phobia is the fear of commitment, especially in a marriage or a long-term relationship. For a long time, it was believed that only men had this fear. In the recent years, however, the population of women who actively choose to be single are increasing rapidly. A classic example of a commitment phobe is Maggie Carpenter in the 1999 romantic comedy film “Runaway Bride” (starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere). After leaving three grooms-to-be waiting at the altar, she makes yet another attempt to get married—this time with Bob, a high school football coach. The marriage didn’t take place, after Ike kissed Maggie at the wedding rehearsal. Soon after, Ike and Maggie decide to marry, since the wedding plans are all set.

Why should you surrender to me?

Surrender is meltdown of every rigidity we've ever been committed to, the conscious and unconscious dismantling of how we thought things should be to make up for the way things will, in fact, occur. It means giving up of rigidity of every kind:

-the rigidities of the heart that refuse the heart to be soft and open
-the rigidities of the body that refuse to receive the touch that could heal, the passion that could transform
-the rigidities of the soul that congeal and congest the spirit, causing it to imagine it has a life apart from the body and mind.

It's only when we allow ourselves to float in the great sea of life, giving up all control, trusting it will hold us up, that love will
arrive. You must trust on the spiritual level that the forces of the universe will be on your side.Only by letting go will anyone appear.
Love doesn't just happen....because in the background of every relationship is a story of intention and opportunity converged in
time. There are always a whole set of circumstances, chance occurances over which lovers have no control, which set love in motion. You go online and find me. Love is like a string of pearls, a series of experiences, which strung together one by one
,,,,become the exquisite whole with which you can adorn yourself. Every event or person leads to the next, and whole cannot exist without the parts.

Love is a part of the elaborate, spiralling lineage of people and circumstances that constantly criss-cross our lives. The person who
will step into your life to love you has been coming to you from just as far, through just as many terrible and wonderful experiences as you have. When the moment of our convergence arrives, it many seem like I came out of nowhere, but in fact I cam to you from everywhere and you came to me through everything. Surrendering to this truth is trusting in its reality and being willing to wait for its happy occurrence. The love you need now is some profound sense the culmination of all the loves you've already lived, the great ones and the sweet ones, the romantic island interludes, the long, demanding commitments---whether
they filled you up or emptied you out.

Whoever your true love turns out to be, you will be asked continually to let go of how you thought that person would be. We may think we can define or even divine our perfect mate, but the universe have another version in store. The person who actually show up to love you reveals the limitation of your thinking and whimsy of the universe as it selects a partner for you in the great dating service in the sky. Your preconceptions stand in your way if you don't bring them to light and have the courage to surrender them. Do any of these sound like you?

-He isn't tall enough
-He isn't rich enough
-He isn't attractive enough

These are relationship-killers darts and you are not open to the possibilities of the relationship that may be coming toward you.

This perfectionistic ideal has beeb reinforced by movies, television, and adverting...all of which encourage us to believe that perfection is possible and that we should get every one of our whims satisfied. Compared to the bronzed Gods and buffed beauties we see on-screen...a regular garden-variety person, who's got warts and flaws but who might be comfortable and comforting in an everyday sort of way, often looks painfully less than acceptable.

I know a woman who broke up with a kind, generous man because he chewed with is mouth open...or didn't open the door for her. Possible true loves have bitten the dust over bigger and lesser perfectionism than these things. And i would tell her..that no matter how reasonable or unreasonable the content of your particular perfectionism may be, if you really do want to fall in love, you'd better be willing to sent out your perfectionistic head trip to the guillotine.

There is this other woman who for each person who come along...she found a reason why he wasn't right for her. He was too short, he didn't have enough money, he didn't dress right, his teeth was crooked. Without her acknowledging it, she allowed in only the kind of relationship---brief, catchy, emotionally shallow---that her life could actually accommodate. She really didn't want a full-time relationship at that point in her life...she didn't have time. Her pickiness was her way to remaining single. Perfectionism is so perfectionistic that it;s perfectly invincible. We all have private, little preferences...but we need to be careful that these don't become manifestations of perfectionism gone wild.

Remember that all your picky, little preferences really don't have anything to do with what love is actually about. The minute real love steps through your door--love that opens your heart, touches your soul, and actually alters your consciousness--you will experience a quality of love so far beyond all your perfectionistic principles that they'll all go out the window in the twinklilng of an eye.

If you find yourself on one hand saying, "Why isn't anybody showing up for me to fall in love with? but on the other hand...you find that you've set up a life where you actually enjoy being alone, then obviously the love you think you desire isn't going to stumble across your path. The truth is that for one reason or another...you're actually creating the aloneness you need right now. The truth is that, if on any level, conscious or unconscious, you've decided you don't want to have a relationship right now, and you will be broadcasting that information and all your possible partners will hear it in one form or another.

I remember this one woman finally became honest with herself with me. She didn't have time for a relationship right now. She was committed to her career and not willing to borrow any time from her work to invest in a emotional exchange with another person. She spent years developing this career, and it's what most fulfilling to her right now...she can only handle a part-time relationship.

Many of us are afraid of moving into the void, which is the only conditions in which love can really come to us. It's so much easier to focus on the love we want to get, rather than on the love we can start giving. I remember a patient of mine who ask me...."Why didn't anybody love me? Why didn't my daugther love me better?...Why didn't my husband love me?....Why hasn't anybody come along to love me now?....On her deathbed,,,she was still soaked with bitterness, unavailable to the love all around her and above her...to her own undelivered love.

What I learn is that you must give your love and instantly the love you need will start coming; toward you, in fact it will have already arrived. You will know you are truly living your life in the breathing, pulsating web of love when you can celebrate its every
instance. So whatever small, beautiful moments are given to you----and they are given to you constantly, gratis, for absolutely no
reason--whatever the thousand little miracles that sustain you through every moment of your life, take note of them; let them have an impact on you.

Your life isn't a hapless adventure of random circumstances, but rather a soul adventure that's more like a tapestry whose pattern has beauty and meaning. I'm sure you've had experience in your like where you wanted something and couldn't get it...only to find out the delay had been for a reason. The same is true for love. It may look like it will never arrive, but you have to trust that the waiting is for a good reason. That is what I do. Trusting that timing mean that somewhere deep inside you know it will take just as long as it takes, no shorter or longer. The timing is dependent on so many factors---your availability, your awareness, your emotional makeup and your capacity to surrender. All of these must combine to create a relationship that is a true conjunction of both of your need and heart. You can never be sure of the preparation your soul is asking you to complete before love will show its face.

So, whatever your fears, whatever impatience you carry in your back pocket, whatever your roster of expectations about who and when and how, the universe has a surprise for you....right now. There are only two requirements: one, that you know you want to be loved, and two...that you trust your soul to know when to bring love to you. It will always be perfect; for, when the person you love arrives, that person will be a stitch in the great design, not only of your life, but of both your lives' intersecting.


Being able to recognize the one....doesn't have to do with whether she show up with the right props. It has to do with your capacity for self-awareness as well as your ability to asses another person accurately, but this assessment of yourself and another will take you only so far. For these characteristics exist at the level of personality and we are also spiritual being. At the soul level, the person you fall in love with should reflect and support your values.

It's amazing how people get what they ask for. One of my patients confessed to me that she spent her whole life falling in love with the handsome hunks and after divorcing a hunk and being alone for five years...she finally put on her refrigerator half a dozen pictures of what she called regular good men. She finally realized that she wanted to be loved and that she will be happy being loved my an ordinary man who would love her back....and she did.

Everything you've already been through in life is the preparation for where you are now. All the dramas and traumas with your family, and all your past relationships have been preparing you for the relationship you are seeking now. If you hadn't experienced all that has already happened to you, you wouldn't be the person you are now, nor would you be able to receive love in the specific form in which it will arrive for you. If you hadn't experienced all that has already happened to you, you wouldn't be the person you are now, now would you be able to receive love in the specific form in which it will arrive for you.

Person who will show up to be the love of your life. My partner has been on a long journey of preparation that will eventually lead to
you. Viewed in this way, nothing either of you has done is a mistake or a waste of time, everything has served to ready you for the moment of your convergence. Remember--you are being prepared for someone who is also being prepared for you. And when you both arrive in the same place at the same time, that glorious moment will be the culmination of all your preparations.

Love is our soul's true destiny, each of us does contain a portion of this grand capacity to love. Whatever its measure---a crumb or an avalanche, a cipher or a great fortune--we all contain the spark of love that is waiting to be ignited.

Watching a beautiful woman in the streets of New York City who you never looks up to see you staring out the windows, and when you are overwhelmed with your job that hasn't left time for intimacy, if all your friends are married and you feel like the only person in the world who hasn't found "the one", then you may well be in the state of believing that there's never going to be a true love for you. Love doesn't uninvited. The universe will grant you love only to the extent that you are actually prepared for it. I am tired of being that person who is always somehow on the fringe, watching others fall in love, and move into the place of finding your own true love. Unbeknownst to most of us, it is these inner limitation, more than any external circumstance, that stand in our way when we're looking for love.

No one falls in love without. somewhere deep inside believing that a wonderful love is possible for them. You have to believe that
somewhere out there is real live person for you. In fact, the person who could be the love of your life could step right up and look you in the eyes, and you could say, excuse me, and head off posthaste in exactly the opposite direction.

The greatest gift of an intimate relationship is that it can give you YOU. It's the opportunity to discover yourself in the presence of the reflecting emotions of another person: in the mirroring of another person's awareness and at times through her frustrating lack of awareness. It is in this intimate human context that you begin to discover what you really do feel, what's important to you, what
delights you, what has troubled you always, and what's troubling you now. Personally I love relationship....it is a emotional workout....i never stop growing.

In a way, love teaches me what it is to be a human being, not only thought my own feelings as they are endlessly evoked by my partner, but also through my experience of another person's uniqueness as it is endlessly revealed to me. Love always gives me exactly what I need---nothing more and nothing less. Real love can thrive only where realism is its waltz partner union fomr the day you fall in love until the day death parts you from it. There is no perfect 10 or perfect person. Being realistic about love means understanding that love will always ask the best of you. Trusting in this will give you confidence in the capacity to love to change adn enrich your life----even if it's in ways you never wished for or expected.

If you're willing to take the risk though, love can bring you incredible gifts ...for it did for me...grand feelings,...someone to
wake up with in the morning...someone to cuddle up with at night...someone whose sorrows make your heart sad too. It teaches you about life's meaning.....it can raise questions about your destiny

But, Maggie gets cold feet on the wedding day, and left Ike, like all her previous grooms-to-be, standing at the altar. Commitment phobia is not just a movie plot. It is a real problem that a lot of women are dealing with nowadays. Commitment phobes are capable of cultivating natural relationships and actually want to be committed. They have high, unusually unrealistic expectations at the initial stage of each relationship. The feeling doesn’t last that long, though. Pretty soon the thought of being in a long-term commitment makes them feel trapped and suffocated. They are then overpowered by fear, and they do everything in their power to get out of the relationship.

All over the world, the population of single women are skyrocketing—and we simply have to ask: why? Why are women becoming terrified of commitment? The causes of commitment phobia can sometimes be traced back to a loss or trauma of some kind such as a nasty divorce or death of a parent, poor role models or the child has witnessed / has been a victim of abuse. Some women have purely professional reasons. Women today are more empowered and have more choices than in the past. A brilliant career often demands a lot of their time and is prized greatly than a relationship or marriage. But, a lot of them fear commitment because of very obvious reasons: they have been cheated on, used and manipulated, and left to fend off on their own because their men bailed out on them. Getting her heart torn into shreds if she commits could happen again. So how do you know if your Maggie is a commitment phobe or not? Spot the signs and save yourself needless pain: Take a look at her history of relationships. How many times did she get married? Did she have a string of unavailable partners before you? If she did, then your relationship is probably not for the long haul. You can always convince yourself that she will eventually change, once she knows how terrific a partner you can be. Ask her what she wants—a commitment phobe will either give you a vague description of what she’s looking for or admit straight up that she is indeed one. Have you met her family or friends? Has she ever made plans for your future together? Are you dating exclusively? If not, then she just might be scared to commit or maybe not looking for an exclusive relationship just yet. What's so exciting about her? Sometimes your own ambivalence in relationships makes the commitment phobic woman attractive. It could be that your own fears could possibly draw you to the un-availableness of the person. A commitment phobic woman doesn’t have to be in a church, filled with attendants and a groom waiting at the end of the aisle, to have cold feet. Being in a relationship with a Maggie is hard, but there is always a chance that she could exorcise her fears. Seeking professional help or counseling may help her understand the roots of her fear and how to conquer them.


Commitment phobia among singles can occur for several reasons. However, most commitment phobic men and women truly yearn for a deep and intimate relationship leading toward marriage, but fright causes them to butcher every dating opportunity they may get. This is a sad catch-22 situation.

Afterwards, these singles loathe themselves for acting so stupidly. Previous abusive relationships, intimacy issues or traumatic childhood experiences could be causes for this kind of commitment avoidance. Unfortunately, it is not just the person with commitment phobia who suffers. Many times singles looking for love get hooked in by the charm and manipulation of commitment phobic singles, who may or may not know what pain they are about to unload on the unsuspecting person.

The pain cycle of someone who gets stuck on a person with committment phobia:

* The Allurement-This is the place where manipulation and romance occurs.
* The Abandonment-Just as the single who is not afraid of commitment thinks the “relationship” is going somewhere, the commitment phobe inexplicably withdraws from the friendship. Needless to say, this leaves the other single devestatingly heartbroken, confused and feeling rejected. Can we get a few amens out there from some people who have suffered through this?

Everything we experience originates from a desire, belief or thought – from within. Therefore, if what you are wanting is a commitment, examine what “commitment” means to you. What is it that you believe a commitment from him will give you that you want but don’t already have?

You may discover that you already have more of what you want than you previously thought – or you may discover that you have less than you thought you were settling for. You may even discover that what commitment means to you has nothing to do with him but everything to do with you.

If having a commitment means – “I want to feel secure in my relationship. I want to know that he’ll always be there. I want to start planning for the future, and children and a family. I want to share more of my life. I want to divide and share responsibilities so that life is easier. I want a home and more money and…” Whatever your reasons for wanting a commitment, acknowledge even those reasons that you might feel a bit ashamed of – but in fact are driving forces in wanting him to commit long term.

For example, many women want a commitment from a man to have “someone to take care of” them and that’s perfectly normal and okay, -as that is how society has brought us up to believe it should be. However, if a person feels the NEED for more money or a better home and that’s what is driving them to want more, then they may not be in harmony with their mate’s ultimate desires and therefore may end up pushing them away altogether.

If you uncover desires that may be in conflict, search for ways to manifest the feeling of having this desire fulfilled in your life in other ways. For example, if you want security – find ways to feel more secure yourself. Ask yourself, what can I do myself to feel the security I desire for my life, my future and my relationship and then set out to create that feeling. That may mean attending self-esteem seminars, reading a self-improvement book, hiring an accountant, an investment broker, or a coach. It may simply mean seeing a movie by yourself or buying yourself that perfume you’ve been wanting.

The point is to create your life so that YOU are responsible for meeting your needs and all a relationship has to do is put the icing on the cake. Now, after identifying exactly what you want that you don’t already have, continue to focus and desire those things in your life but let go of the attachment to who must bring them to you.

This is an important point, the attachment to having to have your “commitment” come from this one person will put a strain not only on your current relationship but also on the manifestation of your overall desires. So let go of the attachment to “the who and the how” but continue to dream about what you want.

If you rev up your desire to a point that is too much for your mate to handle – he’ll step away – and you’ll want to honor that as being for the best given the fact that you want more. If you stay focused on what you WANT – (specifically on what you WANT – not the fears surrounding what you DON’T WANT) then another more perfectly matched mate will easily come into your life and will be in greater harmony with what you want because they too will want it.

In James Redfield’s, Best Seller, The Celestine Prophecy, insight eight is the interpersonal ethic and says, “we can increase the frequency of guiding coincidences by uplifting every person that comes into our lives.”

Care must be taken not to lose our inner connections in romantic relationships. By seeing the beauty in every face, we lift others into their wisest self, and increase the chances of hearing a synchronistic message.” My last bit of advice is to completely honor your relationship for all the positive attributes you’ve already identified. If you truly love him, continue to love, cherish and nurture this present person in your life as a perfect child of God and therefore worthy of all that he desires too. Uplift him by letting him know that you want him to have all that he desires in a relationship just as you want to have all that you desire – whether that means together or with someone else. Whatever the case, practice being appreciative of the time you have together right now. Do your best to live in the moment, maintain your connection to source and your desires and show him unconditional acceptance without letting go of what you want.

By giving him your unconditional acceptance you will inspire action from him that will be in alignment with the commitment you want – either he’ll “come around” or he’ll set you free to attract the one who will already “be around.”









There are some reason why you might be afraid to commit:

1) A woman is afraid she’s not beautiful or sexy enough,as most do. You can chalk this one up to the media and the constant flow of magazines and TV and newspaper articles. She has been bombarded since day 1 about her looks and society is obsessed with airbrushed, flawless beauty. Women today feel profound pressure to possess the allure of a celebrity, the figure of a supermodel, and the latest clothes form fashion designers. The fear of not measuring up to societal standards — even though those standards are absurdly unrealistic — can breed intense insecurity, jealousy, and low self-esteem. Unfortunately it’s the culture we live in.

This fear even comes with several bothersome byproducts: a) Suspicions that her man is checking out every good-looking gal who walks by. b) He is going to leave her for someone more eye-catching, feeling threatened by other attractive women. c) The ever present dread of the aging process. More mirrors anyone?

2) She is concerned her new man is going to turn out just like her ex husband or boyfriend. This may not be fair, but it happens often enough: Women worry that history is going to repeat itself. Different guy, same results. In a perfect utopia, none of us would have to deal with the baggage left behind by previous partners. Unfortunately, the world, especially the dating world, is far from perfect and is a fantasy land unto itself. Thankfully, many women have the emotional intelligence to find healthy ways to deal with lingering hurts so that emotional baggage does not permanently drag down new relationships.

3) She will be afraid her new partner isn’t what he seems to be. One of the nice things about dating is that, especially in the early stages, we put our best foot forward, after all 1st impressions are tantamount to continuing the relationship. Thus, a common fear among women is this: “Everything seems fine now, but after the first blush of romance has faded, who will this person be then? Beyond the smooth and polished exterior, who is the guy deep down? Will the kind, considerate man of the early courtship stage turn self-absorbed and critical a year from now?” Will I still be his equal?

It’s true that many men are a lot like politicians, who make grand promises to get elected and then ignore them once in office. But most guys have no interest in playing the fake-and-phony game; they at least try to be genuine and upfront. Some of all this can be attributed to a small dose of perhaps paranoia.

4) She’s worried she’ll compromise and settle for the wrong guy. Hey,it happens both ways doesn’t it? It’s happened to her friends. It may have already happened to her. Rather than holding out for Mr. Right, she settled for Mr. Mediocre, or even Mr. Flat-out Wrong For You. No one, of course, sets out to compromise in this way, but it happens frequently. Why? Because there’s a large percentage of singles who have the attitude that says, “I just want to get married, and once I’ve got my spouse, then we’ll work things out.” If this attitude persists then the odds just swung against you. Feeling lonely, pressured, and worried they’ll never marry, many singles are so intent on getting to “I do” that they start lowering their standards.

5) Beware the “C” word as is commitment. She’s afraid her boyfriend will want to date forever. Women are afraid of men with a wandering eye and who are afraid of commitment. After all, men as a whole have a reputation of being commitment-phobic. But as with most stereotypes, it’s unfair and unwise to lump everyone together. Sure, there are plenty of guys who drag their feet and panic at the thought of being “tied down.” But there are many more guys who will happily and eagerly commit to the right woman. In fact, USA Today recently featured a nationwide survey that included 12,000 men and women ages 15-44 and asked the question, “Is it better to get married than go through life single?” The results: 66 percent of men agreed compared with 51 percent of women. What’s more, 76 percent of men and 72 percent of women agreed “it is more important for a man to spend a lot of time with his family than be successful at his career.”





Previous unsuccessful relationships

Has your partner been badly hurt in the past? If so, you will need to be patient. Let him or her know how much you care; slowly they will begin to trust you and realize that you are a completely different person to their ex-partner.




Fear of boredom

Are you or your partner addicted to the rush and excitement of a new relationship? Yes, the first stages of a relationship are always exciting….but as you settle into a routine, one or both of you might start to become restless, and look elsewhere to get that excitement again. Unfortunately, this superficial excitement will always wear off, leaving you hungry for the next fix.

So be careful; falling into this trap is a recipe for a shallow and lonely existence. Instead, how about taking steps to keep the relationship exciting for both of you? Try new things together and make sure you keep your independence too; this means spending a healthy amount of time apart, doing things with other people.



There might be someone better out there

Some people are always on the lookout for something better than what they already have. If you think your partner is doing this, then do yourself a favour and leave the relationship; you deserve better.



Only after the thrill of the chase

In a similar vain to the new relationship addict, some people are only interested in the unattainable; they come on strong at the start, saying and doing all the right things and being extremely attentive. Then once you reciprocate the interest, they don’t want to know any more.

Do you know someone like this? The signs are usually pretty clear…they are all over you one minute, then cool and distant the next. If you’re dating someone who does this, move right along! Don’t waste your time with game-players. Make yourself available for a partner who has integrity and who shows you the respect you deserve




Women who suffer from commitment phobia are deeply influenced by their childhood experiences that have seared their subconscious minds and given birth to such unrealistic fears.

According to the psychologists, commitment phobia can be caused by any of the following three situations that a child may have undergone during her formative years:

1. Death of a parent: Children may not show grief but they are very sensitive. A few of them may find it very difficult to accept the passing of their father or mother to whom they were deeply attached. Some of them can’t bear to see the grief of their father or mother. This is when their mind decides that they should not allow themselves to get into similar situations. The logic is that there will be no grief if there is no long-term relationship.

2. A messy divorce: There are many children who go into a shell when they see their parents bickering over small things, and finally breaking up. There are some girls who cannot reconcile themselves to their stepfathers or stepmothers and cannot forgive their parents for what they have done to their lives. Marriage to these girls seems to be a relationship where they can only expect bitterness and hurt. That is why they are so keen to avoid the “imagined” pains of marriage.

3. Abusive relationship: Some girls are never able to get over the abuses inflicted by their parents, especially their fathers. They therefore do not want to surrender to men once again, but want to prize their independence much more. They are mortally scared to risk an unhappy wedding or another abusive relationship.

A fourth reason for women avoiding long-term relationships is purely professional. They may enter into a relationship at a time when their career is poised to take off. They are so attached to their career prospects that they are not willing to compromise on them. Instead they want to postpone the marriage to a future date, which, in most cases, never comes. But such successful women invariably attract men who want to possess them.

Most people are almost paralyzing fear of making commitments. Commitment is boeh entice and terrify us. We inherently know that in order to create deeper meaning in our leves, we must risk surrendering to someone or something beyond ourselves. You key way you can determine that you are commitment phobic is that you find yourself with people who are unavailable emotionally and physically. Another key is that commitment phobic won't take side on anything. They flip-flop. And we know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run down. They don't know where they are standing in life, and are tossed to and fro and every which way according to the current tides. They are completely engaged in whatever emotions they happen to be feeing at at that moment, and any infringement on they ability to explore and express that emotions fully would distrub them deeply.

While we may look for a person who shares our hobbies, is sexually attractive, makes us laugh, and helps us to feel good, these things are not the substance of love. All of our criteria for finding someone--the person has to look this way, have that kind of job, dress like this, have this money...are all things that will disappear with time. None of them will last. All that will last is the love that was given and the love received.

Most of us resist making commitment because we fear that we might be overcome by the vastness of the promises we make, as though we might disappear and lose ourselves completely. Rather than respond to this fear by developing a healthy ability to establish limits and set boundaries, we settle for the drama and distractions inhernert in a commitment-free life. The very thought of surrendering ourselves to this extraordinary experience is enough to make us bolt. In vying to keep our opitions open , we land nowhere and belong to no one.

Without commitments, we stand isolated and alone in life. Our entire sense of interconnectedness and belonging is directly related to our willingness to commt to one another. We can't say, "I'm just going to withhold all teh love i have to give, until that one specfic person that I deem worthy comes along, and think that life will feel as thought it's worth living. That kind of stinginess dries up the soul and is an agony for the heart.

Many of us want proof that something is going to work out the way we want it to before we make a commitment on it. We want to know that it's a sure bet, a good and solid place to invest our energies. While this is understandable, there is a certain synchronicity that reserves itself for when one makes a wholehearted investment of oneself that simply cannot be foreseen.

I remember the turning point of me and Melissa. I was in the city and as i stood at the corner waiting for the light to change, I was having a silent dialogue with myself. I was trying to figure out what was missing in my attempt to stop hurting myself with it came to Melissa. Tears began rolling down my cheeks as i realized that no on has ever fought for me in teh way that I was being called to fight for myself. No one had ever gone to the wall to ensure my safety and well-being. no one had ever rised to heroic heights in order to make sure that I had a chance to thrive in life. in that moment, I made a commitment to take a stand for my life against Melissa. I would go to the wall for me. I would be my own heroine. And the light turn green. Time and time again, first in my own life andthen in the lives of others...that everything of substance you will ever have to offer to anyone else in this lifetime begins with commitment that you make to yourself and then to other


Whoever your true love turns out to be, you will be asked continually to let go of how you thought that person would be. We may think we can define or even divine our perfect mate, but the universe have another version in store. The person who actually show up to love you reveals the limitation of your thinking and whimsy of the universe as it selects a partner for you in the great dating service in the sky. Your preconceptions stand in your way if you don't bring them to light and have the courage to surrender them. Do any of these sound like you?

-He isn't tall enough
-He isn't rich enough
-He isn't attractive enough

These are relationship-killers darts and you are not open to the possibilities of the relationship that may be coming toward you.

This perfectionistic ideal has beeb reinforced by movies, television, and adverting...all of which encourage us to believe that perfection is possible and that we should get every one of our whims satisfied. Compared to the bronzed Gods and buffed beauties we see on-screen...a regular garden-variety person, who's got warts and flaws but who might be comfortable and comforting in an everyday sort of way, often looks painfully less than acceptable.

I know a woman who broke up with a kind, generous man because he chewed with is mouth open...or didn't open the door for her. Possible true loves have bitten the dust over bigger and lesser perfectionism than these things. And i would tell her..that no matter how reasonable or unreasonable the content of your particular perfectionism may be, if you really do want to fall in love, you'd better be willing to sent out your perfectionistic head trip to the guillotine.

There is this other woman who for each person who come along...she found a reason why he wasn't right for her. He was too short, he didn't have enough money, he didn't dress right, his teeth was crooked. Without her acknowledging it, she allowed in only the kind of relationship---brief, catchy, emotionally shallow---that her life could actually accommodate. She really didn't want a full-time relationship at that point in her life...she didn't have time. Her pickiness was her way to remaining single. Perfectionism is so perfectionistic that it;s perfectly invincible. We all have private, little preferences...but we need to be careful that these don't become manifestations of perfectionism gone wild.

Remember that all your picky, little preferences really don't have anything to do with what love is actually about. The minute real love steps through your door--love that opens your heart, touches your soul, and actually alters your consciousness--you will experience a quality of love so far beyond all your perfectionistic principles that they'll all go out the window in the twinklilng of an eye.

Many people including myself in the past...used to give and give, watching a person's every single mood and need, anticipating their desire There isn't anything they won't do to keep another happy, to keep the person from going away. They need to stop to question whether other want or needs what they are giving. Their hunger for approval fuels their every act. I used to get confused that giving all the time didn't work. No matter how much I gave to my partner, ultimately woman of my life left anyway. I had little awareness that my giving wasn't really giving...and I had no idea of the demand I was making upon others by behaving in this way. Unconsciously, I was expecting others to treat me as I was treating them...to feel beholden to me...so they could not leave. I found myself going out on a limb to be there for my girlfriend, to listen to them when they called with problems and do things that were important to them. But when it came time for them to be there for me,...even for soemthing minor--they inevitably disappointed me...coming up with a convenient excuse. My relationship felt like a one-side street, and I couldn't see them changing. But this is what I felt was needed to be loved.

I didn't feel worthy of receiving appropriately in a relationship. Abusiveness in my pattern suggest significant unconscious guilt, and I felt that I should be punished and deprived rather than loved. Many like myself who do not feel good about themselves will constantly perform in a relationship, no matter what is or is not being returned. Many people who feel guility about receiving love, and unworthy of it, find their relationship filled with punishment. Struggled with my guilt and unworthiness, I try hard to overcome it....telling mysel I was a good person..especially when i was at the gym on the tride mill.Over and over I would repeated affirmation such as ...i love myself....trying to become another person someone different, someone worthy of love.

So the question is do you ....have the right to want more in a relationship....or do you think you are being greedy. Could it be that no matter how much they are given, they will never be happy and full. You know as a child we become fixated on one person, whom we see our source of well-being. We transfer this desperate attitude to our relationship, believing all of our noruishment can be provided by one person....our partner.

Let's say...you are in a wonderful relationship but you are hungering for something, like sex or romance and you are dying without it. Rather than go to another relationship where you could get the romance or sex you thought was missing, you stayed feeling dissatified. It like your partner was an apple tree who was giving you fabulous apples, while all along you long for pears. Rather than walk down the street to the pear tree and take one, you railed again this fine apple tree, which could not produce a pear, no matter how hard it tired. You can never turn a apple tree into a pear tree. Some of us are simply addicted to being dissatisfied: we cannot take what is given and say thank you. In order to live a life of being in love, we must learn to take what is given and offer thanks in return.

How many are grateful to give what our partner have to offer, will work hard under all circumstances to make sure the relationship receives the food it needs. Rather than focus upon what is lacking in the relationship, focus upon what the relationship needs and ways to provide it. When we give to another the care that we want, we open the door to receive it as well. This does not mean to have a one way relationship. It means that when we take responsiblity for doing what needed to build a fine relationship.

Listen...so many people have no idea what is really meant to give---to truly care about another person. Their entire life is orientated toward what they could get for themselves. Awareness and compassion for the needs of another never truly entered their mind. And i would point out to them....how closed they are...i would point out to them ...how commitment phobic they are....and yet they don't see it. Willing to appreciate the needs of others and being willing to completely fill them, on time rather than compusively focusing on our own hunger, we become naturally aware of the needs of others. As we do a strange thing happens...our own hunger completely fades away. Feeding others, we are fed ourselves. This point is express in a book "How to get the Love You Want"- by Dr. Hicks.

It no longer becomes a question of what the others is or isn't giving. It becomes a question of what can be offered to him or her. This is tremendously different from the way we usually approach our hunger---our usual desire simply to be fed. As we place our attention upon the needs of others and find ways of giving to them, not only does our hunger subside, but we begin to feel full. But there is a deeper lesson to learn...that a never-ending source of all kind of nourishment exists within us. We need never feel empty or hungry again.

However, many in relationships have yet to learn this lesson. They wage a battle, a power struggle over who gets what, who gets more, who's in charge, who gets their way. The underlying question is, who needs are more important? How much is each givibg the other? These people keep careful records about what is going out and coming in. Melissa was one of these people. They want the other to be indebted to them, or they give only as much as they feel is the other's due. A relationship based on indebtedness is one based upon market value. Love become a commodity to be bought or sold. This never leads to a life of falling in love. I like what Neal Donald Walsh said in Conversation With God....."it become a trade relationship"

You should stop counting what you are giving or receiving..stop worrying about being on top. There is no need to keep thinking about what your partner owes you, just take whatever is given and say thank you. Don't look for one drop more. In addition, don't judge to see whether your parnter is worthy of receiving the gifts you have to give. This kind of tactic makes you bitter, resentful, and withholding. I remember this one quote....OPEN YOUR HANDS..IF YOU WANT TO BE HELD.

Some of you might complain that when you give ...you end up feeling completely drained. "I give and give continuously but receive nothing in return. I 'm utterly depleted. I have nothing left to give" .This is a postion of a matyrs, who act as though in giving, they have lost their entire supple of food or love or joy. They then try to get more by generating guilt.And no one wants to give to someone out of guilt. For most giving is a form of barter....you give to me ....and I'll give something back to you. We are giving with an ulterior motive, in order to get a return, please others, do what's right. This kind of counterfeit giving is often accompanied by bitterness and the feeling of being drained. Individual who feel drained must realize that if they think they are not receiving in return, then they are not truly giving either to others or to themselves.

If in a relationship you are giving and getting nothing back in return, stop giving so much and spend time being. Give to yourself, be who you are. replenish the inner child..,,then look to see what you are using this relationship for. What are you trying to obtain by giving. Stop trying to obtain anything, and just give with open hands.

When you avoid the possibility of getting close to a someone because you're afraid of what might happen, then you're letting fear keep you from living your life to the fullest. It's when we don't deal with our fear that we come up with a pattern that makes us commitment phobic. If someone is is addicted to his work, it could be he's hiding at the office, hiding from some fear that lives at home, or at his heart. I know how much I've suffered in my life, how much time I spent with people who didn't want to commit because of my fears. I feared that I would be hurt if I allowed myself to become truly vulnerable to another person. I feared that I wasn't deserving of a complete healthy relationship. I feared that if didn't accept the relationship that were offered to me, on the terms that were offered, that nobody else would love me. Many of us would say yes to people who can't commit because someone really like us...just like when Sally Field said, " You like me, You really really like me" The fear of being unlovable, the fear of living my life without ever hearing the words..makes you do crazy things

My biggest fear is fear of rejection and abandonment. Each one of us has lost someone important in our lives. Most of us will experience someone who abuses our trust. So, the universal fear is that once you open yourself up to someone and become vulernable, what if they end up kicking you in the emotional gut? This is the fear that keeps a lot of people from even trying. I believe in the benefits of the examined life especially the reexamined childhood. Let me tell you something. there are no perfect parents. Even if mother theresa had been your mom, you would most likly grown up with an unhealthy dose of rejection and abandonment... after all this woman didn't spend a lot of time at home. No one grow up without problems,,,You have to learn to grow up with your problems and then learn how to deal with them.

In the end, love is about trust. If that trust has been violated, then it's only natural that you're going to have difficulties opening your heart to someone. That's why you and me spend years repeating the same scenario, even if it's inapropriate, harmful, demeaning . It is the holdover from our childhood, the constant, if you will, is the lack of trust I want to say something important here...everyone is loavable. I will say it again because it's so dam important....YOU ARE LOVABLE. Underneath so many phobia and behavior that separate people and keep them commitment phobic is the belief that they are not lovable for who they really are. That's why they find so many creative ways to keep their distance. They have a million reason for their behavior: work, travel, way to avoid a real relationship than there are coffee choices in Starbucks. Because anytime you risk it all....it's dam scary.

Someone in your life...it could be your parent, or your teacher called you stupid, or make you feel unworth and you will likely to be quite confortable with someone who recreates the pattern. Even though its' painful and hurtful--it's familar. You're attempting to recreate the childhood scene so that you can finally mater it. Maybe you're with someone who makes your feel "less than" that person you are. Are you simply reinforcing a voice that you heard during your growing up years. My parents made me feel i wasn't good enough for anything. I never could ever live up to their standard. I internalized their voice and took the same unrealitic idea for myself. No matter how told me that I was worthy, I just couldn't believe it, I became so convinced that this harsh, critical voice was real. These voice inside our head are so incredibly powerful and rarely rational. ...but now I am able to battle them. It is these voices that can cause so much confusion, allowing us to choose people in our lives who are non-commital for a real healthy relatioship.

You were hiding from the risk of love. I love to ski, I think its worth the risk that comes with the sport, But i don't go off into the woods or ski recklessly. By the time you're ready to tak the risk of sharing your heart and your vulnerabilities with another person, you want to have some idea about the quality of the person you've picked, or they could become the reason you don't pick again. If you're been hurt in the past, the idea of allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone new might be unimaginable. If I made a mistake once, and it caused me this much pain, how do I know I won't make the same mistake again? You certainly didn't set out to get hurt. If you're operating from a place of fear---fear of letting go, fear of risking pain, fear of being hurt---then you are going to make a choices that will reflect that fear. By defination you're unavailable for a healthy relationship and you're going to bring unavailable people into your life. If you've developed a pattern of choosing unavailable people then you're probably not looking atsome fear that needs attention. We do this by choosing to protect ourselves rather than risk letting someone new in. Although people with armor sometimes do attempt a relationship, it doesn't mean that they let you in or you let them in. They're still not getting wwhat they say they want, but they can avoide the difficult job of loking at those fear by losing themselves in what passes for a relationship. Try to remember that when you safe from pain, you are safe from love. When you shut yourself off from one, you shut yourself off from the other.

Why would anyone fear of gettting they love they want? ...Well if you were vulnerable as a child and you were hurt, then getting what you want meight sould like an invitation to more hurt and pain. Another reason is that somewhere inside, you don't believe you deserve to be happy. If that's the case then you'll do all kind of things to make sure you don't end up in a loving relationship. It's so much easier to avoid getting what you think you want than to having to face what may still be missing in your life. Fear of getting what you want can also apply when you consciously want to love and be loved more than anything in the world. It become a fantasy of sort, your idea of what love should be, and your fear of real love falling short of fantasy. You might say that you want a loving relationship in your life, yet do everything you can to thwart your chances to have one and most of the time you don't even know you are doing it. There are people who will marry non commital men....workaolic so that the other person's expectations of the relationship are minimal at best. It would become a perfect hiding place. Perfect except for the fact that that person would never feel comfort of real love, never expereince the excitment that comes when you are truly thinking and caring about someone else. They might be willing to pass years stuffing their life with sensation instead of feeling.....a life of quiet desperation.

There is woman i know..who was involve with a guy who turned out to be gay. Since then ...she has gone on more dates than anyone I know. She is afraid of making a mistake. What if I finally do take the relationship plunge, make the commitment and then the real perfect person comes along? Of what if I commit to a relationship and then I get an incredible offer that requires me to travel around the world? What if...syndrome can paralyze you into never, ever making a decision. Life doesn't stop just because we fear it. We can be so afraid of making a mistake that we end up living a life in limbo. And if we are in this frame of mind, then nobody is a real candidate for your heart. Why...because of what if?


It so hard to find the balance of your personal need and that of your partner. I hate wasting time with relationships that don't go anywhere. And i question why i keep making such bad choices. Sometimes...I think i am just too nice to tell people to just go away..that is what someone told me recently.. But the answer to these question always start with the one who pose these question...which is me.

It's hard to grapple with taking responsibility for how we choose, how we behave, and how we let people in our lives. The crucial battles we wage are always most profoundly the ones we fight within. Changing ourselves is the precursor to being ready for love. I have realize that alot of people can be single and yet unavailable...and they can't see it.Most believe that their past relationship was just a whole lot of bad luck and series of unfortunate choices that kept them out of satisfying relationship. It took the emptiness of my four year relationship with Melissa for me to look at what was really going on in my life. And yet...i still attractive Maria....who was unavailabe as well....but I got better this time. I would tell her that I felt..."we were friend who were fucking". And the moment she told me she wanted to date another two years...i was out. It's important to know when the universe gives you a gift, even when it doesn't look much like a gift.

I always thought I was ready, willing, and just waiting to meet the right woman. No matter how may Cinderella turned out to be witches...I always assumed that it was my bad luck and poor radar that kept me from finding happiness in a relationship....The truth is I was purposely, albeit subconsciously, choosing unavailable woman, that I was the unavailable one. I dated many different typs of woman. Bright woman, creative woman. and sexual woman. All of them...no matter how bright, or wonderful, or sexual...all of them were unavailable in one way or another. One relationship after another, after another, after another. I reviewed my entire dating life.....they were all so different type of woman...I really never had a type. If i had picked the same wrong woman over and over like ...all married woman, I might have figured it out sooner....but then the light went on my head. One thing they all had in common was.....ME. If i were truly open to love, would I picking emotionally and physically unavailable partners? NO. Just being single and dating doesn't mean you're available to love. You can be single and unavailable. It wasn't about them...it was all about ME. If I was the problem, then I could work on that. I am not going to get involve with someone who lives in a different state, or who is workaholic.

Let's not forget...like i said before. self-esteem and water raise in the same level. Just as you are picking your partner to avoid a real relationship with a available person...that person picked you because they are unable to have a real complete relationship as well. The only person you're going to attract is a mirror of you.We cheat ourselves as much as we cheat on another. By picking your partner ...you are fulfilling a subconscious desire not to be in a loving relationship. The heart is always a key player in love, but the heart that beats inside you is the same heart you had as a child and it may carry scars that make it difficult to know exactly what's going on. Which heart is responding to the woman flirting with me? We wouldn't intentinally jump a bridge and hurt ourselves, yet we put ourselves in situations that are every bit dangerious and damaging to our emotional existence.

Many tears were shed while I tried to figure out why someone else's needs seemed to have so much more value than my own. And then the painful realization that it was my involvement in other people's needs, the endless hours and emotional drains, that was keeping me from my own life, my own needs, my own happiness. Of course you should continue to be kind to others, but be kind to yourself too. You'll have a lot of more to give if you fill up your well. I try to remember now that I deserve the same love, same caring, the same nurturing that I am trying to give someone else.

No matter how attracted you feel, no matter how good you think the sex would be...it's not real. No matter how much you tell yourself that it's worth ...what you are doing, what you are really doing is keeping yourself unavailable by participating in a unavailable relationship. We often mistake great sex for love, but try to remember that great sex is just that...great sex. It has no bearing on whether your partner is emotionally available. Granted it can feel like an emotional connection...it did with Melissa and me....but feelings.....are not FACTS. As easy s it is to get lost in the fog between feelings and facts, it is a good idea to give some consideration to what is real and what isn't.

We all seek some passion, laugter, and sex in our lives. We feel these needs can be supplied by someone else. It feels like we deserve a little escape....and of course it become an escape. But then Monday comes around and you'll return to the same life you have before. It is great to have these escape with someone until the moment you or your partner PUTS DEMANDS on each other. In other words, you are happy in a relationship until it becomes a relationship. What most people do is called dating. When I demands more commitment from Melissa, from Maria...they got uncomfortable. I wanted to be in a relationship and most people love to date.

There is reason...behind the choices we make:

- we don't really feel we deserve an available person.
-the real core behind all our unavailable choices and behavior,,including mine...is that none of us want to be vulnerable. None of us believe it's truly safe. And so we choose unsafe people to justify our fears, and hide behind the relationship that will never offer us the safety we need to become vulnerable. It's not a life, it's a facsimile of one. When you give your heart to someone...it mean that you are making yourself vulnerable....but vulnerable is the soul of love.

People tell you, in a variety of way they are not available for a real relationship. But instead of getting the message, you choose to ignore it.Listen with your mind and heart, not just your hormones. If this person is wrong for you, discover it sooner rather than later, then move ont osomeone available. Some people just plain lie at you. I tell everyone that I jump into relationship and alot of people who respond to me....have no desire to jump right into a committed relationship. They are available for dinner or to go out, but unavailable for a relationship. Some people think they are so special and will break me down. That they are somehow clever enough, nice enough, sexual enough ot whatever enough to change me from the person I am. If a dog has bitten everyone in the neighborhood, what makes you think it will not bit you? Then there are other who I tell them I am not interested ...keep come back. Those people love a challenge. Their self-esteem lies in winning, controlling, or getting the ungettable...and after they win and its over, they were right back where they started...looking for another challenge. When someone tells me they are not interested...i just leave them alone.The resitant person hold a certain fascination with them.

If someone is telling you that they are not available for a relationship then you should just walk away. You might spend years trying to change that person ideas about commitment and in the end...have nothing. If you been the best you can be in a relationship and it still didn't work. You might feel that if that person didn't love you after you been so perfect..who would everl love the real you with your real faults. What more can the other person want ..you might ask? The truth is that the other person didn't want more....the other person didn't want a relationship to begin with. As much as you say you want a relationship....don't pick a person who is admanat about not wanting the same thing.

If someone is booked with activities or even a workaholic or a party person..listen..to them. If you don't you might find yourself back in a familiar and lonely place in life. And when you try to protest, they will make you feel gulity for doing so. The price of not listening is HIGH. People will reveal themselves to you...step away from the unavailable people as quickly as possible so that you can find an available soul mate and begin to enjoy the warmth and love that comes from that type of relationship. Melissa was always busy with her business and other activities....Maria was always busy with her family stuff. And i was begging for more time with both of them.

A person who has rigid or inflexiable schedule doesn't leave much room for life, not to mention love. Many people are tired and weary at the end of workday. Maybe they can't muster the effort or interest to shake up or add something new to their fixed schedule. Don't be second fiddle to someone interests.

Sometimes we're so distracted by chemistry that you ignore the signs. The biggest is time, I think. It's great to have goals, but just as important to remember that we are capable of reaching goals and having life at the same time.. The purpose of goals is to make your life richer and fuller experience. When the goals become an end unto themselves, then you are not making yourself availabe to anyone. If you keep putting off your life because you think you need to focus your energy on accomplishing such and such a goal, you're missing the point. John Lennon said it best...." life is what happens while we're making other plans." Always waiting for the proverbial right time which never comes. Trying to get your life perfect before you start living...is a sure way to make yourself unavailable. There's no such thing as getting your life perfect first...because there's no such thing as getting your life perfect at all....ever. I would not want to be with someone who is a workaholic and keeps putting me off until she reach a certain goal. The whoe purpose of relationships is to have someone with whom to share a loving experience of life, including the adventure of it. The idea of having everthing in place before taking the plunge strikes me as downright cowardly. Do you think they come from everything that goes smoothly and easily?

If someone doesn't like you the way you are ..screw them is my view. People love to change you. What they're really saying is----You're not okay the way you are and I'm the one know how to make you better." The person who changing you..doesn't like the way you are. Oh, they might tell you they like you, or even love you., but the truth is that they are in love with an idea of you that is in their head and will spend the next couple of years to mold you until you match up to the idea in their head. I tell people that if there something about me that you don't like move on. And then there are other who want to recuse you. I don't need any recusing. I need love. If anyone ever attended any twelve-step program..such as AA...you know that one of the basic premises is that you can't fix anyone but yourself.

Let me telling you something... the whole purpose of someone trying to recuse is to keep the attention off their own problems and to focus on someone's else.. It;s a great distraction for not dealing with what's going on in their own life.There is a find line between helping and enabling.

It so funny to listen to these woman who respond to me and they tell me about all the guys they have been with. I swear...they pick guys who they didn't like anway. It protect them from being vulnerable with another person. Most of these guy these woman went out with and even married were no decent men, very self-centered, and selfish. Why would they want to be with someone like them? It's to protect themselve from giving all of themselves. How do I know this? Because Melissa was one of those selfish, self-centered woman i was with. One day she would tell me how much she loves me and the next...she had a shopping list of things that drove me crazy....but since i loved her so much I put myself throught fiery hoops in order to make the changes she's requested. The kicker is this, everytime I sucessfully addresses an item on her list, the list mutates and new sets of items suddenly appeared. I finally realized that I can never make Melissa happy.What Melissa wanted is to have the appearance of a relationship without any of the risk. No matter what I did...it would never be enough.


We tend to believe what we hear ourselves saying. Many people have negative belief about dating and relationship base upon their experience.What they really mean is: I'm afraid ..to risk my heart by going on a date or being in a relationship, so I tell myself that I'm too old, unattractive....ect. Expressing fear as if it is a cold fact is pessimistic, not realistic. The benefit of harboring negative belief is that once again, you don't have to risk anything.

Most people don't think of themselves as someone who is afraid to date or commit. If you can't seem to met the right person, however, it's probably not because there aren't any great people available to date and marry. "What are you talking about?" You might say...."It's really hard to find the right person" That might be so....if you are not out dating ....but another possibility is that your subconscious fears are keeping you from moving forward...i know ..i know ..most of you will totally denied it. But I am telling you that your defense mechanism are so ingrained into you that you don't even realize they're there. But they're standing between you and the lasting love you crave for. If you're dating and not finding anyone worth committing to, your fearful belief is probably something like this:

-you would eventually leave me anyway
-I'll get my heart broken

You may tell yourself that no person you've dated has been right for you, but if no mortal person can met your standards, they're simply too high for a mere mortal. You're using them to protect yourself from being disappointed. Perhaps that has kept the kind of man who's right for you from approaching you. Part of being the right person is to overcome your own fear about relationship...like:

-i'll have to live somewhere i hate ( big with Maria)
-i''ll have to support him or her financially
-she or he will be unfaithful to me
-i'll have to everything
-i'll have to give up my life
-we'll get divorced and traumatize our kids
-i'll get too dependent
-he or she will expect me to clean up after
-she or he will reject me
-i'll be smothered
-i'll lose myself
-i''ll find out i made a mistake/picked the wrong person/ could have done better
-the sex will get old

No wonder you resist surrendering to a relationship. Why would you? According to these belief, you'd only be taking the first step toward ruining your life or giving up something dear to you. Subconscious fears influence the way you behave everyday. When we're afraid of something, we generally come up with a rationale to justify the behavior rather than just admit that we're afraid. My subconscious note-to-self read: Can't get rejected, heart broken or even get divorse..if I don't commit or date or get married.My fear about risk and potential havoc of a relationship gone wrong were still alive and well, but instead of addressing them, I simply changed my rationale. Some people could stay married for life...my parent did for example. Some people will accept you......like Joanne did. I took off the veil that covered my fear about relationships. My desire to experience the supreme intimacy of a relationship outweighted my fear of rejection and pain. You are simply choosing to focus your energies on the reality you prefer.

So many woman tell themselves that most men can't handle a smart woman with independent opinions and ideas. In reality, they were sending those man the unappealing signal that she was in control.