JOURNAL: MY UNCLE DIED

Today I am very sad. My uncle died late last night. I haven't seen him for 15 years of more...but there is a memory that stays on my about him. The one time we went to visit him (he lives overseas, I remember him as a tough guy, I loved him. I am just too sad to write right now. My mom's family is now down to two...her and her sister. It's strange how in one moment in time....all of you are together and in a couple of years...the family is gone. Remember the scene in "GODFATHER II", Michael is sitting and reflection that one day of his father birthday when all of the were together. That scene always makes me cry. I pray for my uncle today....I hope God is listening. I hope he or she is taking care of him. I hope he know that I loved him very much.

JOURNAL : NIP/TUCK NIGHTMARES

I know David Ostad before he was a doctor.He is all over the news now. He was not a nice guy at all when he was young He was a bully. He made my life a living hell. I am not happy about the has happen to him. It is a shame, but it does show that the universe take care of everything...there is no need to seek revenge.

N.Y.POST-3-6-05(very long) 

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March 6, 2005 -- They call him "The Butcher." 
The former patients of swanky Park Avenue plastic surgeon Dr. David Ostad accuse him of leaving a bloody trail of botched boob jobs, mangled tummy tucks and bungled butt enhancements — and allegedly causing the death of a young woman who had a breast reduction, according to plaintiffs and court records. 

Ostad, who bragged of being "New York's premier plastic surgeon" when he set up shop in 2000 in Manhattan and on Long Island, is accused of malpractice in a dozen active lawsuits filed since 2002. 

These patients dreamed of being beautiful — but now claim they were nightmarishly maimed. Some were left with missing chunks of flesh, misshapen breasts, disfigured arms or legs, facial lumps and emotional scars that will likely never heal, according to lawsuits. 

"This guy is scary," said David Dean, a lawyer with Sullivan Papain who won a $3.25 million verdict against Ostad in December in a 13th malpractice case. The suit was settled Monday for $1 million — the limit of Ostad's insurance coverage. 

"It was ghastly treatment," Dean said. 

His client, Fariba, a 40-year-old Roslyn, L.I., mother who asked that her last name not be used, went to Ostad in 2000 for a breast and thigh procedure. When she wasn't satisfied with the thigh liposuction, Ostad agreed to operate again in 2001. 

Without Fariba knowing, the doctor let a salesman from a liposuction-machine company attend the surgery. The sales rep provided "technical assistance" in preparing the power instrument before the operation, the doctor testified at trial. 

The operation, which was supposed to take two hours, dragged on all day. At one point, Ostad emerged from the operating room with blood on his apron. Fariba's husband, Joseph, said the doctor told him to go "take a walk" on Fifth Avenue. 

Ten hours after she arrived, Joseph said his wife looked blue in the lips and ghostly. He had wanted to take his wife to the hospital, but Ostad insisted she was OK. 

He said Ostad had to carry Fariba to the car and then followed them to their Long Island home. Fariba remained seriously ill but during a house call, Ostad told her only to consume Gatorade and red meat, Joseph said. 

Days later, Fariba collapsed and was rushed to an intensive-care unit, almost dead from what Ostad later admitted were "catastrophically" low levels of oxygen in the blood. 

"The bastard — during the operation he poked in her artery and sucked all the blood out," Joseph said. His wife received an emergency 4 quarts of blood — "enough to paint a room," he said. 

Later, she also got a $10,000 bill from Ostad. 

Fariba said she now suffers from nerve damage and is missing "chunks" of flesh on her scarred legs. 

"He shouldn't practice; I almost died," said Fariba. 

"We refer to him as 'the butcher' in this house," said Joseph. 

Fariba is not alone. Former patients lining up against the doctor include: 

* A 47-year-old Bronx woman who accuses him of severing a vein in her leg during a butt enhancement in June 2002. The woman said she was hospitalized for eight days after the doctor failed to treat an infection she developed after the surgery. 

* A 37-year-old Queens dance instructor who accuses the doctor of botching an implant surgery that left her breasts uneven and in varying positions. 

* A 45-year-old woman who claims Ostad screwed up her nose job, leaving her with an "acorn"-shaped bump between her eyes — a spot the woman says the doctor should never have even touched. The woman also says Ostad shouldn't have operated on her because her blood work showed she was pregnant. 

Disturbingly, some of the malpractice allegations against Ostad came after Fariba and her husband complained to state health authorities in December 2001. That month they were told the matter was under investigation, but recently heard from the agency that an attorney was not assigned to the case until last November — almost three years after the complaint was filed. 

"I don't believe the system should work that slow," Joseph said. "In the meantime, he could be killing someone." 

The Health Department said it is bound by law not to comment on any investigation. A spokesman said the agency also cannot tell patients if their doctor is being probed or how many complaints the doctor faces. 

The mother of Nicole Salters, who alleges in a lawsuit that her daughter died last May from complications arising from a breast reduction, said her child "probably would not have gone" to Ostad if she had known about a state investigation. 

Ostad's co-defendants in the Salters case include the anesthesiologist who treated Nicole, said family lawyer Mark Bodner. 

Ostad declined comment for this story. Daniel Doman, one of a chain of lawyers handling his malpractice cases, called the "butcher" label "ridiculous." 

"He has had one case that has settled . . . and no other findings against him," Doman said. "It's very simple to bring a lawsuit . . . anyone can talk off the top of their heads and say whatever they please." 

On average, plastic surgeons face a legal action once every 21/2 years, said Neal Reisman, a Houston doctor and lawyer who serves on the liability committee of the American Society of Plastic Surgeons. 

Reisman, who doesn't know Ostad, said that the 13 cases represents "a huge number of lawsuits for a short period of time." 

Soshana Bookson, president of New York's trial lawyers association, called the number of lawsuits against the 38-year-old doctor "extraordinarily high and astounding . . . it sounds like a record." 

Ostad, an NYU medical-school graduate, comes from an Iranian Jewish family. His father is a doctor, and his wife works in his office. Ostad advertised for patients on diner menus and in phone books — both in Spanish and English — and in the New York Post. 

For a while, his Web site falsely claimed that he was "board-certified" — meaning he had completed rigorous training requirements for plastic surgeons and passed written and oral exams. In court, he testified that the claim was "an error." 

While his patients include working-class immigrant women, social workers and a teacher's aide, Ostad — who lives in an Old Westbury, L.I., mansion — fancies himself a surgeon to the stars in ads and interviews. 

An article on a Web site called drostad.com offers Ostad's recommendations for last-minute cosmetic surgery before the Oscars. 

In a 2002 interview about his cosmetic foot-surgery practice, Ostad said his patients "are not Jane down the street. They're people who are jet-setters, for whom any season of the year can be summer . . . models and actresses." 

And a series of odd, anonymous Internet postings describe sightings of Ostad — referred to as a "famous plastic surgeon" — at Le Cirque with Cher one night and with Cher and Paris Hilton another evening. 

The celebs' representatives said they had never heard of Ostad. 

According to a 2003 Asian Wall Street Journal story, the doctor maintains a rigorous beauty regimen that includes sleeping on his back to avoid pressure on his face and spritzing himself with spring water throughout the day. 

One lawyer said that he arrived for one court deposition behind the wheel of a champagne-colored Porsche. 

Despite his fancy image, Ostad's office on Park Avenue — which he rents from other doctors — looks shabby, with mismatched chairs, plastic flowers and a giant, bland Oriental rug. 

His patients, like Fariba, go there to find beauty. Now, she said, "I look like a 90-year-old woman."

JOURNAL: Anne Can't Commit

This is Anne. She is from Germany. I have been talking to her for three weeks now on yahoo messager. She will be coming to New York City in 19 days. I look at your picture everyday and it inspire me to write all the time. I hope to take her hand and show her a new world. I find her to be a truly beautiful women. She can do serious harm to me, but I am willing to take a chance. My dearest Anne, you are a jewel in a ocean of dancing dimonds.



A Jewel

by Alex

I was wandering around in the dark

Asking God to help me find my way

And then there you were

A jewel in the ocean of humanity

A diamond

Shining brightly

Reflecting light everywhere

Lighting up my world

You were so bright

So beautiful

So wonderful

I was afraid

Not believing it could be true

That you were there

Loving me

Holding me

I thank God a thousand times everyday

For giving me the gift of you

You will always be in my heart.








PART 2

Yesterday I met Anne, she was beautiful. We met in Barnes and Nobles, she called me from the telephone booth. I felt different this time. She made my heart sing.We went to see "The Gates" in Central Park. I looked into her eyes and I saw my future. Please God let this be the one. I ache for her even now. We had shushi in one of my favorite spot. I looked across the table and she looked like an angel. We went back to the apartment and we try to watch "BEFORE SUNSET" on the computer, but the DVD got stuck, so I read to her "Conversation With God", I looked into her eyes and wanted to kiss her, but I didn't.


I got home and wrote this.

With You
by Alex

Happiness has my heart filled.
Stars shine bright when you're around.
When I'm with you, time is stilled.
I hear your voice, no other sound.

When, into your eyes I gaze,
Or, I hold your gentle hand,
All the world just fades away.
Time apart, I cannot stand.


That night we slept in the same bed. We slept That night we slept sideway. I thought for a while it was a German things, but it wasn't. I wanted to tell her to lets straighten up, but I didn't. She had no problem sleeping that way and tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep well that night. The next day we had a bath. To me that was the best moment of the weekend. She was in my arm and I was kissing her and I knew there was no other place I wanted to be than to be with her at the moment in time. I want to show Anne the world if she would let me. I hope she will give me the chance.





PART 3

The fact that Anne like me raise her in my estimation. I will try not to make the mistake of obsessing about her. I will keep my balance and distract myself with all the things I did before meeting her and take the same amount of pleasure in them , rather than feeling that everything is somehow diminished by the fact that she isn't there to share it with me. To obsessive about a relationship means you are worrying about whether you are pleasing or not. A man must take time out to find out what kind of food a women want to eat, what kind of movies she likes, and try to plan dates that are within her tastes, this show a woman that you don't just want to have sex. I love a women who doesn't conceal her affection, who is happy to hear from me. I love when a person makes me feel included in her life by telling me about her day, her friends, and her interests






PART 4
The past few days Anne has been ignoring me. She told me later that she met some guys that she was talking to before she came over. This got me upset. She wasn't giving me the attention I deserve. Once again, it just show that people can't commit.I offered her everything if she just commit to a serious relationship with me. She wants to take it slow, and well I don't have time for someone who want to date other men and me. I am very sad.

JOURNAL: MAKING A DIFFERENCE

$10- Can protect one young person in Africa from HIV/AIDS by providing him or her with a year's worth of safe-sex education and access to counseling and testing

YouthAIDS Population Services International
1120 19th Street N.W. Suite 600
Washington, D.C. 20036


$15- Provides a poor Chinese child with a school kit that includes a year's worth of supplies: notebooks, pencils, pencil sharpers, eraser, ruler, crayons, colored paper, and book bag

Free the Children
P.O. Box 32099
Hartford, CT 06150-2099


$20- Covers the cost of manuals on good nutrition for ten mothers attending a literacy class in Colombia allowing them to simultaneously learn to read and prepare healthy meals for their families

Proliteracy Worldwide
1320 Jamesville Avenue
Syracuse, NY 13210


$25- ensures that 500 pounds of groceries will be distributed to soup kitchens, food pantries, churches, women's shelters, after school programs and Community Kitchens across America

American's Second Harvest
35 East Wacker Drive, #2000
Chicago, IL 60601


$60- buys an Armenian family a Flock of Hope: chicks, duckings, and goslings, whose eggs provide food and extra income. Recipients then pass on the gift of animal offspring to other strugglings families, spreading the benefits

Heifer International
P.O. Box 8058
Little Rock, AR 72203


$75- purchases a knitting machine and vocational skills training for Rwandan woman, who can then generate income by selling the clothing she makes.

Woman for Woman International
1850 M Street N.W. Suite 1090
Washington, D.C. 20036

$100- pays a teacher's salary for four months in a Afghan school, enabling woman previously banned from teaching by the Taliban to update their skills and support their families

Help the Afghan Children
8603 Westwood Center Drive, Suite 230
Vienna, VA 22182


$150- buys medicals supplies: including thermometers and watches to check pulses for nine healthcare promoters who will provide medical are to 3,500 villagers in the rural Himalayas of India

Child Family Health International
995 Market Street, Suite 1104
San Francisco, CA 94103

JOURNAL: LETTER TO MELISSA

Broken Heart
You came and ripped my heart out I really don't know why.
But my ever-present smile has turned to sobs and sighs.
I can't begin to tell you of the horrible way I feel.
It so hard to grasp onto the fact that this is really real.
I don't know why you had to dump me on this day right now.
I'd try and go and get on with it, but I guess I don't know how.
You ripped my heart still beating from my sobbing chest.
Then kicked it, mangled it, crushed it and made a right old mess.
You dragged it through a rock pit and through sharp, hot glass.
Then threw it in a land mine and waited for the blast.
You tossed it in the gutter and stamped on it till it burst.
Then doused it with a tonne of kerosene and now it really hurts.
You went and lit a match and burned it till it disappeared.
Now all I have left to do is cry a thousand tears.
My heart is cracked in the middle ripped and torn apart
but I know I'll always love you deep within my heart.




I am sitting here in total sadness. I have am yearning in my whole body for your. This ache, mostly my stomach and chest but all drown my mind out over. It’s as if my skin is longing for your. There is a sense of incompleteness, emptiness, despair, and being lost and the only remedy would be to connect with you again. I woke up last night with my heart pounding and I was grasping for breath. My chest hurt and I though I might have a coronary. How many hours we spent together relegated so quickly to history? Those many hours in your bedroom, those many hours eating with you, lying on your couch with your head on my shoulder.  I began to feel hollow to feel more unreal. My abandoned heart just doesn’t really understand why you do this to me. You do this to me all the time. I like to think of myself as a stable person, but when it comes to you, my emotions are about as stable as a roller coaster ride. I can go from the peak of joy to the bleakest depression, and then, if you press the right buttons, its up into the clouds again. I can’t stand that my feelings are in your hands. If I kept shut and went along with what you wanted, I would be with you right now. I made you everything to me. Everything…do you understand that? How can you leave me just because I didn’t give you the money? HOW?   Did you ever love me? Ever? HOW CAN YOU HURT ME ONCE AGAIN? If I gave you the money you wanted, we would be together right now. How come you couldn’t love me enough? What part about me that you didn’t like? What part of me was so defective that you always throw me out like garbage once again? Did I not love you? WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH? PLEASE ANSWER THIS ONE QUESTION FOR ME.  My sister came over with her kids. She was once like you, and now she would do anything for her man.  WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME WITHOUT CONDITIONS? I am dying in pieces. I would dread coming home at night now. I hate waking up every morning. I feel like I am walking into an abyss every day. Did I not love you enough? Did I not make your heart sing? The world looks danger to me once again. Did I not project myself who I was in the beginning of the relationship? I didn’t pretend to be something I was not. You left a scar in my heart. I was one of the good guys.  I STILL LOVE EVEN AFTER ALL THIS! If I hid part of myself and became an extension of you, I would be in Astoria, rather in my bed crying. Your attacks on me and your withdrawal from me and it made me feel like dirt, like I had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I began to believe every critical judgment you made about me. You must have sensed a shift in me these past few months. You could feel that I no longer dependent on you for my self-esteem. I have come to depend on you to make me feel adequate, complete, secure and happy. You have used this power to control and exploit me. I did not need you to make me feel good about myself. I read your card and I could see that you were in constant doubt about our relationship. I am sure that you think that leaving me was the right thing to do. What you left behind from your action is painful emotions that I could have only express in the words above.  Instead of blocking my hurt.  I ask myself, “What truth is trying to emerge at this moment?” What feeling are hiding beneath my sadness, my anxiety, and my frustration. I learn underlying feeling is PAIN.

I feel right now that my world is spinning out of my control. Did you forget how much I love you? I know your thought process about leading you the money seem to be validate. When I see it from your point of you, you do make sense. But to leave me for it, I just couldn’t accept that something so unjust could happen to me. The disappointment is so great that I didn’t allow myself to see the truth. I did my best to always to see your negative trait in a positive light. I would always say to myself- I know you really love me beneath your anger, you just have difficulty in showing it or I know you were sometime insensitive, but maybe it’s just that I’m too sensitive. Maybe the facts we fight so much show how much we love each other.  But eventually the denial can no longer be sustained. I had to ask myself what was I protecting. What am I afraid of? You seem to want to fall in love with a superhuman person.

I have found no better description of love than in I Corinthians 13:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keep no records of wrongs, Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects. It always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

If someone love you they won’t ever make you cry and if for some reason they though you were crying or upset because of something they did, they would be by your side explaining how you “took it the wrong way” and they would show you how much you are loved. When someone loves you they live every breath thinking about you and missing you and wanting you to be happy, but that doesn’t mean giving money or material things. It means from the heart-a hug, a handholding, a kiss, a smile or even a kind word.

Love has always been a necessity for me rather than luxury. Relationship is not about what we do for each other, or what material objects we give to each other, but how much of ourselves we give. I know I love you. You have become a part of me.  That part is now gone. I have come to depend on you.  We are all looking for someone we can lean on and they can lean on us. I dependent on you so much that I would feel diminished by your loss and therefore sacrifice my heart, my self, my time, my love, my money in order to keep you. One thing that should be the heart of any relationship is to find someone who make you feel special and cherished even if there are other people more handsome or richer than you. It is not about lowering your standard, but to raise your appreciating and sense of thankfulness that someone found you unique and irreplaceable. You were my rose from “The Little Prince”.

I know that I have been kind. I know that I have not been rude. I am not easily angered.  Every time I felt that I hurt your feeling or made you upset; I would try to explain how much you “took it the wrong way”. I never try to control you. I know that I could never let you to go bed upset or sad. I wanted the best for you always. I know I also that I was committed to you. I didn’t leave you when you treated me badly. I wrote love letters, poems drew you, called you everyday, brought flowers, gifts, lead you money and anything else I can think of. I have a great capacity for love and you were the express of that love. I gave you unconditional love and forgave you numerous times. I loved you to the best of my ability. Please don’t ever believe that no one ever loved you in your life, because honestly I did with all my heart. I knew what type of person you were and I didn’t try to change you (until recently). To me, you were the right women for me. Like “ Bridgett Jones’s Diary”, I love you just the way you were.

What I realize now is that I was never the right man for you.  The one, who loves you, loves you just the way you are. Because if someone wants to change you, if means you are not what that person wants. Then why were you with me? Remember that story we read from the book,
“Let’s imagine that you get a dog and you love cats. You want your dog to behave like a cat, and you try to change the dog because it never says, “Meow”. What are you doing with a dog?”  You admire my gentleness and goodness; I admire your strength and aggressiveness. I think we saw in each other part of our essential nature that we’re poorly developed. When I was with you, I felt whole and complete. I couldn’t see a life without you in it. Now I am force to face that reality and that is making me miserable. I always was aware to the fact, if I broke up with you; I would bring the same issues to another relationship. We all have issues. And when I look at you, I realized that you were someone I wanted to be with. You were worth the effort. You were my love. Your definition of love and commitment is so vastly different than mine. You aggressively defend your reality. It is somehow connected to your fear of loosing yourself. If you see things my way, you would feel that you would have to surrender in some way. If you feel my experience, you will have to invalidate yours. If what I say is true, then what you must believe is false, and there can only be one center of the universe and that center has got to be you. This letter is a letter of anger and blame. I was the best thing in your life and you threw it away.

Every single effort of my love for you for the most part when unnoticed, unappreciated, and eventually thrown away like a cheap-free sample you get at the grocery store. You told me once how much money someone spends on you is equal to how much they love you. Going out to dinner, seeing a play, getting you jewelry, going to B&B, meant more to you than my cards, my poems, my tapes, my calls, What I did does not constitutes an expression of love to you. It did not register in your emotional bank account as “I love you”.  That is why whatever I did was never enough for you. You were always disappointed. Each person needs to be loved in his or her own special way. The key to making deposits is to understand and to speak that person’s language of love. You are materialistic, you are high maintaince. You are shallow.  Best honest with yourself.  I wish you told me this four years ago. Be honest with the next person. Another women would have constitutes my romantic activity as love. It was never about money with me, it was about sharing an extension of me to you, expressing my love I had inside of me in a special personal unique way. You have this authority without responsibility attitude. You want the power and control in the relationship, but expect me to handle all the work while you can focus on having a good time and not be responsive for any consequences.  You look into a relationship to see what you can get out of it. We constant get into disagreement because of this. This is the start of all our problem in the relationship. This is why we never had peace in our relationship. This is why we were always in turmoil.  What can I get out of this relationship with Alex? With that, you build up many expectations. When I fail to met those expectations you tell me that I don’t love you enough or I am not committed to you at all.  You then attack and say I don’t want to be here anymore with you. How do you think that makes me feel? You don’t love me for me, but what I can do for you. Shame on you Melissa. That is not love. If I can’t give you the money you want, if I can’t give you what constitutes love to you, if I didn’t want to do what you want you just, you leave! That is not love. You know I always hated to fight and want peace. Peace to you is getting what you want. Have I been disrespectful to you? NO!  Have I told you to ever shut up? NO! Have I ever hit you? NO! Have I ever not listen to you when you were talking?  NO! When you needed my help to paint the bathroom, help you with the air conditioning, when your car was stuck in the city, was I not there helping you? YES! When you need money one month, was I not there? YES! Did I not always make sure you were sexual satisfied before I was take care off? YES!  I was a great boyfriend. I treated you like a princess! I really did love you. Be honest with the next person. Tell them you are shallow, tell them how the more money they spend on you, the more love you feel. Tell them that I am looking to see what I can get out of a relationship rather than what I can put in it.

The perfect relationship to you is a relationship of dictatorship. You don’t want complains. You want things your way. People around you will not do thing out of love but out fear for you. Fear of your wrath.  You criticize me and blame me and think I am the source of our poor relationships. It ‘s so hard to talk to you about anything that is threatening. When I get into a discussion with you that doesn’t match what you see to be true, there is no understanding in your side. You get aggressive, intimidating, so threatening, and so overpowering that I sometimes lose my bearing. When someone survive a conflict with you a few time it better to just do what you want than to get into another fight with you.  When I behave in a way that conflict with your self-interest; you use a arsenal of weapons against me:

1-You condemns me: “You are bad, insensitive…

2-You try to educate me: “You don’t really feel that way, what you really feel is…
   (This totally invalid my feeling)

3-You threatens me: “I am going to leave…


Do you really think by using these negative tactics to force me to do and think the way you do will really work? You withhold your affection and become emotionally distant. You become irritable and critical. You fling these verbal stones in a desperate attempt to get me to be more understanding, more trusting, and more kind? Do you really believe hurting me and giving me enough pain will make me feel more safe being with you? In a dozen way, you make me feel only some of my feeling are valid. Only a portion of my feeling and behavior are permitted. You fail to realize that other person is not an extension of you. And when you attack, you attack hard. Your angry words would rain down on me; I feel battered and bruised by the time you are done with me. There I am crying and you don’t care. You didn’t touch me, but my psyche felt just as wounded as if I had. You unleash your rage not in a slap on the face, but in a shotgun burst or criticisms and hostility. If you think I am exaggerating, please please ask someone who has been in the receiving end of your rage. It is hard for me to see you sensitive when you are crying about something you see on TV when you would go to sleep at night knowing that I would be crying in my bed. You bring people to the point of tears. You hurt me so much that my emotions become so powerful and my body just weep

When you constantly use these tactile on me for missing the boat. It’s no wonder that the spirit of love disappear and in its place comes the power struggle in which each of us try to force the other to meet their needs. You break up with me every two months, was I not right? You did it again now. How can I plan anything in advance when I don’t know if we will be together in the future? Love is fragile and can not survive your constant abuse. Love is a verb. The desire to love is not itself love. No matter how much you think you love, you are in fact not loving. Love is an act of will, namely an intention and an action. For every single time you were somewhat loving to me does that out weight your bad behavior toward me.  We had some great times, but became your pushing bag; you were so disrespectful to me. You are an angry person. YOU HAVE A LOT OF ANGRY IN YOU.  You are easily angered. Love is a behavior, not a feeling. Little kindness go along way toward building relationship of trust and unconditional love, but little act of unkindness go along destroying a relationship.  To do carefully and constantly and kindly many little things is not a little thing. I feel totally misunderstood, violated, unfairly accused. Don’t you think that this would not affect the amount of trust I would have in our relationship? Would I feel safe? Did I feel affirmed? You reject rather than accept, judge rather than understand and manipulate rather than participation. You use love to manipulate and control.

To say I had freedom is in this relationship is not true. How can you really say that I have free will when if I don’t go along with what you want, you will send me to hell? What kind of free will is that? If I come across a road and it divide and you told me to pick a road and I pick the one that doesn’t follow your wishes you attack. When you ask for me to lead you the money and said it would be all right if I didn’t. What happen when I did not follow through with what you want? You said some really mean things and decided you did not want to be with me. Was that a lie again? Were you testing me again? That is not freedom. You talk about how I should go pass my feeling of fear with you. Do you have the resolve that give you sustaining power to swallow hard in difficult moments—to not say something that will hurt my feelings, to apologize. To come back to it, because you are affirming something that is more important to you than just the emotion of the moment? From your reaction to me when I did not give you the money you wanted, your attack once again. You never made the resolve to always remember that it’s more important to be “one” than to be right or have it your way. The tiny victory that come from winning the argument only cause greater separation. I really was worried that I might need the money and you will have it. I am still looking for a house. I told you it has nothing to do with you. Please be honest with the next guy. You want a submissive guy. How can you want someone who is your equal or stronger. Such a person will not let you control them. You will constantly fight. Look at us now. People don’t have to ask your permission to do what they want. When I did not want to go to New Jersey to see Chris that weekend, you were so upset and made me feel guilty. It was OK emotional with you want it was OK with you. I am not David; I don’t need to ask your permission to have potato chips. Do you truly want someone under your control, if so which moment will I live the role that you assign to me and which moment can I choose for myself? You are obsessed with control. Everything has to be done your way. No other method than yours, however sufficient it might be is acceptable. You are intolerant of other and expect them to be passive puppets to your ideas and wishes. You always feel justified in everything you do. You set yourself up as the repository of all that is right and good. You cannot and will not admit you are wrong because you are addicted to rightness.

I felt like I had to walk on minefield to avoid stepping on your raw nerve. I never dare to give feedback for fear that I would stir up the anger or criticism and you leaving me all over again. The only reason people are afraid of or at least handle grenades and other bombs with a great deal of care is because they know what damage could be done if it explodes. You do cause a lot of damage. In your attempt to get your way, you get mad easier and quicker.  You use your “Bitching Technique”. You constantly complain and criticize while I am trying to make you happy by running around and trying to meet your every want, wish, need, and desire. It get to the point where I don’t even question what action you want as long as you don’t start bitching and threaten to leave me.  You set up this electrical social fence around the yard of the relationship. If I stay in the yard and the boundary of the fence, I am safe. However, even touching the fence and testing the limits brings with it an electrical shock that zaps me with verbal and emotional voltage to let me know where the boundaries are. The sad part is the yard keeps shrinking as you try to gain more control. You turn me into an approval seeking wimp that just has to worry about the next way the queen’s wishes to be pleased. I don’t want to be that anymore.

Why would you want to do anything that would harm our relationship unless you really didn’t value me or respect me? Do you ever review what you could lose in our relationship? Did you focus on the level of pain your mind will go through as a consequence of your actions? How valuable you must believe I was worth when you left me. I gave you my heart; my soul, my love and those things were worthless to you. Yes I know you came back all the other time, but each time the way you treat me was getting worse. You react to me, as I am your enemy. I somehow didn’t nurture your fundamental expectations, needs and assume I deliberately deprived you of pleasure or what you want. At the heart of your attack is a disguised plea for the very thing you didn’t get in your childhood. When I didn’t do the things you wanted, you left unloved. Like I didn’t care and you felt rejected, but that is so far from the truth. Like I said, your definition of love doesn’t match mine. You keep saying I am needy, you are needy as well. You can never be satisfied. You can never be loved enough. I can never be attended enough. I feel frustrated by never seeming to be able to make you happy. You have an insatiable appetite for reassurance. You need to know over and over again that I am committed to you. Sometimes you unconsciously push me away just so you can get a dose of reassurance to prove my desire to hand in there. Manipulative and demanding, you keep me dancing forever, trying to find a way to bring peace. I never get to know what it means to have a fully functional and peaceful relationship.

You seem to be normal and intelligent women, yet you option to the most malicious manners when dealing with those who you claim you love. You can be astonishing hostile and cruel, You find this side of you so revolting that you cannot face it. Yet when you get aggravated, threatened, and hurt---that when you give in to your dark side. Your habitual win-lose need has absolutely bankrupted anyone emotional bank account. What kind of impact do you think it has on a relationship when you act this way? You cannot act with such self-righteousness and overbearing control and at the same time believe that you are pursuing what is best for the relationship.

When I look at your lifestyle and where you give your time, your primary attention and focus, it always seem that relationship get subordinated to other values---work, friends, your outside activities, school. There is a real gap between what really matter most to you and the way you live your daily life. I hope the price you will have to pay to be where you want to be will be worth it. Your heart and mind was not on us, but focused on other things. I know you tried to give quality time to me because you didn’t have quantity, but often it was disoriented and confusing like my Birthday. The real riches in life is not money or positions Melissa, it is in relationship. You are a workaholic. Putting me first doesn’t necessarily mean for you have to give up what you want, but it does mean to “walk your talk”. In the end, life teaches us what is important and that is love. The reason you don’t put me first is that you really aren’t connecting to me. You are the one who is not committing. Until that deep priority connection is there—a commitment is made to it that is stronger than all the other force that play on your life, you will not have what it take to prioritize me. Instead you will be driven or enticed or derailed by other things. How can I feel important when you are not generous with me at all? You always find way to make your business better.... Spent money...making the kids feel important with the Halloween party, class picture, graduation party, now you want to get digital camera. Hell you spend and lost 6,000 dollars on expanding your business. And 500 dollars on your market research. You took me out for my birthday and made me pay for parking. Why did you even take me out to dinner then? You would have flip if I made you pay for anything for your birthday. I would never be forgiven for it. These things leave a bitter taste people’s mouth. It is you who not generous with your money.  Can you see how this look from my point of view? Can you see how it makes me feel unimportant? How much effort and money did you spent on making our relationship better? Not much. How much money did you spent on me on the past 4 years of our relationship? You told me how a person spend money on you is the express of how much someone love you? Really. Then you must not love me a lot.

You need to examine your belief system dealing with love. Your expectation in a relationship is unrealistic. Expect more than is humanly possible. Blackmail me into becoming the perfect partner you never had and giving you all the unconditional love and feeling of belonging you wanted in childhood. You scatter these killer phrases liberally over our relationship and watch our love wither

-If you really loved me, you'd change yourself and only do things my way
-If you really loved me, you'd think and feel exactly as I do.
-If you really loved me, you'd know what I like, what I want, what I mean, what I don’t mean.
 You'd be able to read my mind. I wouldn't have to talk. My silence would be loud enough for 
  You.
-If you really loved me; we'd never argue or disagree about work, movies. Restaurants sex.
-If you real love me, you wouldn't survive without me.

Every time you broke up with me, every time you fucked Mark, blew Mark or another man, every time you put me down, every time you attack me. (It still hurt me even now that you blow him in the bathroom and you never did that for me when I ask you for it so many times.) You were knocking irreparable chinks of our relationship. You said you were sorry, but damage was done. You didn’t want to make repair. You left residue and the next time a fight comes around or discussion, I cannot help but remember the past thermonuclear reaction we had. I now want to just beat you to the punch. You made me who I am now by your past action. Can I tell you what you did to me?

For the longest time you said we did not have a relationship. According to Webster dictionary a relationship is define a romantic or passionate attachment. I was romantically attached to you.  But because it was not the relationship that you had pictured in your mind, (it did not have those components you wanted).  We had nothing. Instead of being grateful in being with me, you were punishing me. The type of relationship you want looks perfect because fantasy is always better than relativity. You worship the fairy tale and I worship real life. You have blamed me for not being perfect. You were sarcastic. Scrutinize and criticizing me. You almost convince me that all the problem was my fault. You kept a list of as many problems as possible. Pile them up. Get even. Taking no responsibility. Repeat to me subconsciously  "If it weren't for you this would be a prefect relationship." The truth is I took all your crap because I look behind those actions. I knew your past and how you felt rejected, how you left abandonment, your need for family and acceptance and unconditional love, your low self-esteem. You were always testing me. I took it all and took all your issues.  Your projected all of your demons to me. All your action kept chipping me away little by little.  You kept on doing this for so long I start to believe it you are such a good sale person. I blame myself for not being perfect. I personalize everything. I started to scrutinize and criticize myself. I focus on my shortcoming. Piling them up. Never forget them never forgiving myself or let go. I became convince because of you...that all the problem was my fault. I was always apologetic and trying to made it up to you.  I took all the responsible for all mistakes, for not being a perfect mind reader, for not being able to foretell the future. And after you kept on taking and taking and not putting anything in my emotional bank account until you made your final withdraw and went for the kill to bankrupt me a late last year. The worst part of it all was how your action made me feel defective just like everyone else has done all my life. You chip at me, little by little and torn my self-esteem down. I hated myself more being with you. Nothing I did was right or good enough. Your verbal and emotional abuse made me so unworthy and unloved. I though for a moment that no one would love me except for you. And so I stay and took more of it. For who would love me someone like me? I am not good enough for your love. I was so hungry for love that those times you were truly loving I took them and held on to them…hoping you will love me more

You are slowly killing any affection that I am having for you. It is just the way you have treated me and continue to treat me. I became the symbolic headpiece whether or not I was the cause of your unhappiness or not. You erode my heart little by little. It got more aggressive in the end. I became miserable. I felt I was little. I was a non-living creature. I was angry with myself for letting it go for so long. You kept pushing the boundary ...subconsciously or not to see where the boundary was. You push me to the edge and when you reach my pain threshold you kept on going. Kicking the spirit knock out of me. I don't think you understand the severity of the pain you inflict me. You broke my heart and made my body weeps beyond anyone you ever did. I felt that night that I did not mean that much to you. I cannot let you hurt me anymore. I cannot let you get inside of me and hurt me anymore. I cannot let you make me stay awake all night. No more PAIN. Your concern about me was related to your reference point of what is good for Melissa.  I had to close shop for my own personal safety and protection. A lot of sadness was left behind that damage you caused. I cannot bend anymore to what your need are when I still feel that you don't give a dam about mine. You need to go out there and see how other men are and how they will treat you and you then will realize what a treasure you truly had with me.  You don’t want a nice guy. You want the jerk. The jerk will control you, tell you want to do. He will take over your life and dominate you. The Jerk brings very little into a relationship. You want someone non-emotional because emotionally people need reciprocation. Emotional people express emotion. I know you are able to express sexual and affection response but that is not what I am talking about. You need someone who doesn’t expect much emotionally from you. He doesn’t need the mushy stuff; he doesn’t need to you to show them your express of love. Remember love is a verb, not a feeling. They won’t care if you don’t call them. Nice guy are low cost, low maintenance, low impact, and low value in your mind. Jerk will act like they are doing you a favor of going out with you and cheat on you. You need to be with someone who lies, and have you waiting and ask you to borrow money. You want a man who is materiatic and so cut off from his feeling and so unresponsive that you will feel like you are with a robot. The ideal person for you Melissa is a materatlic, submissive (or extremely dominating), unresponsive emotional man. Someone you mirror you, I am emotional, normal, non-materialistic, sexual, loving nice guy. I was never what you wanted, if I was, I would have been treated better. 

I have always felt I was defective and rejected myself all the time. I would punish myself so much. My world was full of punishment, suffering and judgment. Looking back now, I realize the limit of self-abuse I gave to myself was the limit I will tolerate from other people. You took the manipulation and the abuse further than I did to myself. I let you get away with a lot. You are not only to blame here, You gave me the love I so desperate wanted and you got the control you always desperately wanted. You said we should forget the past and move on, yet I the memory stays with me and I find it so so so hard to forget. If someone abuse you more than you abuse yourself, you walk away. If someone abuse you a little less that you abuse yourself, you stay longer.

I should be treated like a rare and valuable thing, one that must be cared for and worked on. I refuse to let myself be bogged down or even sucked into an ugly emotion and hateful interaction. I will no longer settle for living as a second class life. The person you supposed love more than anyone and want to spent your life with as you say is not afforded the common everyday courtesy of even your most casual acquaintance (you kid in the center for example) I have not responsible for your needs, that is your responsibility. It is unfair to criticize me for not recognizing or even meet your needs. I cannot read your mind. Certain aspects of your behavior are on in harmony with my life anymore. And that does not mean that I don’t love you. But you don’t have to find something wrong with me for me to be the villain of this relationship in order for you to justify your truth.

What I did in these past few months was to put you in the same standard you put me. I gave you a taste of how you been treating me and you did not like it. I did less sexually for you, just like you have with me. If you were to get your expectation and need met so you can feel I was committed and loved by you, I want my expectation and need to be met also that would make me feel important and valued. But it was too much work for you. You were being something you are not. All the thing I said for four-year was echoing back to me from your mouth. It was strange. It was hard for you to call me every day, to get me a token of your love. When it was an equal setting, you couldn’t do it. I became more like you EXPECT MORE and ACCEPT LESS. I became easily angered, less understanding looking about for number one and you did not like it. I was bringing you face to face with who you were and you did not like it. I was not going to tolerate any disrespect, any being ignored. I wanted you to read my mind, to be perfect just like you been doing to me for four year. I stress my dissatisfaction in our relationship and you wanted to break up again. Everything is a battle when there are two captains in the ship. We get into power struggle over every little thing. I felt I was making step in my side and you made some step but not enough. (Ever heard that before? - everything I did was never enough) I told you need someone more submissive.

How can our relationships work? Selfishness doesn’t work because there is no love there
The truth is I am not what you want me to be. When I am honest and I am what I am, you are already hurt, you are mad at me. You start to blame me and find me guilty and punish me. I can not let you do that to me and I have become defensive now. When you are honest and you are who you are, I am supposed to be understanding and empathetic. Do you really think that is fair? I am suppose to empathizes and reaffirm your feeling and you make me feel guilty and bad?

Like what Dr. Phil wrote in his book, there is no way I can be responsible for what is in your head. I can never know what you are feeling, what you believe. We are in a war of control because we have no respect for each other. It is selfishness on both sides now. Love is based on respect. When you make choices for me, you don't respect me. If I don't respect you, then I try to control you. You did this recent with the ice cream cake. If I am not going to do your list or expectation, you feel you have the right to knock me all the time to try to make me more do what you want.

Remember the story in the book where Dr. Phil wanted to share interested with his wife and how that had disaster result. I want to add another part to this situation. If you and I were to play tennis and both of us play tennis differently, you would be the person who want to control the game and tell me," No don't play that way, play this way", No you are doing it wrong", That is how you make me feel with my way of showing you commitment. Why can not show you my way of commitment just like I want to play tennis my way? You said that it is not within you to call me everyday. It just not you. I totally understand that but when I tell you that I can not do certain things because it is not with in me, you tell me that I am not committed to you. We have placed the responsibility of happiness in each other hand. I can not be responsible for your happiness and you can not be responsible for mine. Our relationship is full of obligations, expectations and no respect. How can we feel so good when  we are suffering with so much fear?

Your love is conditional. "I love you Alex if you let me control you, if you are good to me, if you fit to the image I make of you." You create an image of the way I should be and because I am not, you judge me because of that.  If you want to be with me in order to control me. How is that going to be fun? If you are going to criticize or judge me and I am going to feel bad, how is that great? People don't chose a partner just to give that person we claim to love all our garbage, all our anger. How can you tell someone, "I love you" and then mistreat them and abuse them and disrespect them? Am I suppose to constantly forgive you and tell you when you are mean and abusive?  Do I have to take the role of being understanding in this relationship forever? Because if I do, I am tired of it. If we love, we want the best for those we love. What is best for them may not be what you think is best for them. You should let me be. The one, who loves you, should love you just the way you are. If someone want to change you, it mean you are not what that person what. That is why I am no the right person for you.

I did tell you early in our relationship I did not see a future in our relationship. I admit that. But must I suffer forever for one mistake I made? I understand when you tell me that I gave your this beautiful love and told you it is not your. Do you want to know why? You remind me so much of my mother. I want tender nurturing from my dominant mother, but at the same time I had to stay far enough away so that I would not be aborsbed by her. The same thing with you. Being in a relationship with you is being in a Melissa relationship and not a Melissa + Alex relationship. I am right about it. The truth is you left me over 2 year ago when you had enough about me not seeing any future and being distance. You told me you were unhappy with being with me and you would be happier not to be with me and I left. You came back to me and I firmly believe you can not use the same excuse again to punish me for a mistake I already been punished for. How many times must I be punished for one mistake?

We had a few weeks of peace and tranquillity last summer when you were going out to meet other men. You also forgot that during that period of time your were able to knock that chip off your shoulder, put aside your frustration and anger and disappointment, and put aside your critical perfectionism. I was able to be alone with myself or even my family without you bitching. Even though you might not like everything that I was doing, things were okay. We’re going to get along right now, and most important you made it know that it was safe and loving place for me to fall onto. Despite our difference in personality, despite all the things you sometimes wish I was or wasn’t the bottom line was I felt accept. If we look at what you spend most time talking about, you will see that the agenda of our relationship have become a problem-driven topic. You tend to focus on the negatives in our relationship to make it better, but dwelling on what is wrong you make it easy to forget and lose sight of what is right. You made us both forget what was so good about us and cause so much sorrow from that. (I am still upset that you experiment with that guy and his roommate. You should have experiment with me.)


You think I should follow certain rules or met certain standard before you will be loving. If that is not CONDITIONAL LOVE, I don’t know what that is then.  You would accuse that I don’t commit to you and complain. You felt I wronged you. Just like everything else, unless you Melissa get what she want, it like you got nothing. We don’t have a committed relationship unless you get exactly what you want. That is bullshit. Your belief will continue your delusion. You will always be setting yourself up for ever- increasing disappointment with this attitude. You look at the world through your own pair of glasses---glasses that create your value system, your expectation. You don't understand me because you judge me. You label me as non-committal. And you subconsciously look for evidence in my behavior to support your judgment. Another person looking at the same behavior may see it as evidence of commitment. The things that I always asked for you should not be something I should be begging for. To be respected, treated with kindness, to not be made guilty, to not be made unworthy and rejected. I should not be bargaining for what should be given to any human being in a relationship. And for you to imply, “Alex, if you commit to me, do what I say, think what I think I will love you more I, I will respect you and treat you with kindness”. If you cannot love me before I do what you want, thinks the way you do, how can you love me more? Oh yes…. I should trust you. It hard to trust someone who hurt you.



I am asking you to come over to my side of the table. How do you make someone commit to you more>>>>>through love and trust. The safer a person feels the more the person feel like they want to commit. Not only did I have to deal with my fear. I had to deal with you pushing me away. That is how much I love you.  Another guy would have said enough a long, long ago. You project that all the unpleasant thing you are experiencing in our relationship is being caused by me. Your life would be better, if I commit more, if I change. And as a result you feel there’s little you can do until I shape up my act. That is Bullshit.

-Would you want to commit to someone more when that same person is criticizing you?
-Would you want to commit to someone more when that same person make you feel
  Guilty?
-Would you want to commit to someone more when that same person makes you feel
  Unworthy?
-Would you want to commit to someone more when that same person who breaks up with
  You every three months? (Do you know you break up with me on a average on every  
  Three month)
-Would you want to commit to someone more when that same person makes you cry?
-Would you want to commit to someone more when that same person makes you feel 
  Rejected?
-Would you want to commit to someone more when nothing is ever good enough?


I am sure you won’t talk to me ever again after writing this email to you. I am sure that everything I wrote in this email you will not believe to be true. You need to ask close friend to see if what I say is true or not. I just know how you were with me. But you know, as anger and upset and sad and hurt I am. I still love you. I just wanted you to understand what you did to me. How much you hurt me with your action. I love you Melissa. I love how your hand always finds mine. Your kisses are like dessert. You fit just perfectly in my arms. You look so angelic when you sleeps. Your skin is softer than satin. I like the way your head always finds just the right spot on my shoulder. I am touched when you cries during movies. You always smell wonderful even if you when you are not wearing perfume. Your voice is like my favorite song. From the beginning, I appreciated your values and morals, how you would treat yourself and other people.  I try to express my love to you every possible minute in any possible way.

What a person is suppose to do in a relationship is not to seek to take away from the another, but to give to another empowerment so that person can express who they really are. You would want nothing from them and give them everything. That is love. My purpose and has always been in the relationship is to see what I can give, to see what I can empower, what can I indeed create and cause you to realize about yourself. I want nothing from you but I want to give you everything. But this does not mean that you have the right to abuse me and walk all over me. Love doesn’t struggle with power. I used to think I was this person with all these fault and that is why I could not make a relationship work. If only I can straight myself out, then I present myself in a package that would endure and enjoy. Almost everyone in my life has been telling me about my fault including you.

You seemed to bolster your ego by diminishing mine. You reinforced your confidence level by depleting mine. I felt inadequate as a man. I can only enhance your happiness, Melissa, not create it. Love should nurture like a mother’s love. A relationship should strengthen, not weaken the individuals involved. Harmony rather than domination is a key healthy relationship should not hurt. They’re not always in crisis and don’t cause undue stress. Partner accepts that sometimes each person will need to be especially caring or cared for. They don’t try to fix one another. They’re considerate, respectful, and loving. They don’t expect people to be perfect. They foster each person’s uniqueness, creativity, and growth. I am too good of quality to be going for discounted price. I will always love you Melissa no matter what. You know I want you in my life in some way. I just hope that you learn from our relationship. That you grew emotionally from the pain I suffered. I will always love you. I will always be there if u ever really need me. I love you. I don’t know if you ever will talk to me again. I hope you will. I do want you in my life some way. I hope you will call me soon. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS. I still want to be your friend. I love you Melissa Lust. I am sorry about this email.


                                                               


                                       -Alex



Dear Melissa,
I love you very much and have tired for four years to make this relationship work. I know you're aware that I've been begging you to open up, to respect me, and work on our relatinoship. I am not going to make myself wrong for longing to be the recipient of tenderness and love. I 've been doing this for one reason---to try to save our relationship, because just like you I was not happy with the way things are. For as long time in our relationship, I have given up myself in order to be with you. I stopped listening to my own feeling and respecting my own need. I tried to be what I though you wanted me to be and not who I am. I truly have failed myself in our relationship. I took your advice rather than trusting my own. I blindly believe your criticisms of me rather than questioning whether or not you were correct. I realize that love is a real investment of my time, energy, emotions and money. I have to be discerning about whom I choose to make that investment with. To me commitment is both a feeling and behavior.The behavior that I am talking about consist feeling that the next women I am with is my partner, that we are on each other's side, that we are both invested in the relationship and that we are both willing to take the steps to nuture this and not ripe it apart. It means that we both have a high degree of intention to continue together , even though we realitically don't know what the future will hold.

Whatever I did to you to make you mistrust me Melissa, once you decided to come back to me and choose to stay with me, you should have taken responsible for that choice, make a commitment to the relationship and do everything in your power to improve it. To let go and release the blame and to work with me. Instead it was always a uphill battle with you. What I receive was lot of manipulation, word playing, control, righteous and you being stingy with your money and love. You have called me jerk in front of your son, slept with other men, made me feel unappreicated with the gift i gave, constant breaking up with me, told me one night that you never loved me at all, and the list goes on. Do you really think by using these negative tactics that our relationship would improve? A woman's actions truly reflect her feelings toward you. To tell me that you wanted to marry me and love me like no other man, but yet totally lacking respect and value to me doesn't make sense. Did you really think that your tactics would make me feel more safe and secure with our relationship? I know you don't value me that much to the very fact that you never focus on the level of pain in your mind might go through as a consequence of your action, maybe because you knew i would constantly come back. You never were afraid of losing me and that gave you a green light to let you do what you did. You never really cared if you lost me forever, for why would you constantly break up with me or even do things that would threaten our relationship. But i did. I knew the pain i would experience if i loose you. I knew how important you were to me. I felt I had to tiptoe around you in order not to upset you and make excuse for your behavior. Ultimately, my resentment grew. Part of the blame was mine for letting you treat me that way you did. I totally agree with you in that i would never ever want a relationship like we had before. I will never let anyone disrepect me or hurt me the way you did. The pain that you feel now is self-inflicted. You didn't review what you could lose in the relationship.You were chasing for this perfect man in your head to be in your life and was never content with whom you chooses, so you started to change, punish, torture me, not realizing perhaps he's been right in front of you the whole time. You are very lucky to have had me in your life. My ability to love so completely was indeed a blessing. When I am putting love first, I am surrendering to my most essential and joyous nature. You have experience my love, and I realize now more than ever that i have a great capacity to love someone. I am a handsome man with good character, mature, responslible, emtionally open, loyal, loving, and commitment to personal growth. Somewhere in your past you had this strange idea in your head that "people I love are my enemy". They want something from me and I have hold my ground. Whatever "torture" I inflicted on you, it doesn't come close to what you did. I know you claim to love me, but it was brutal. Not everything that goes wrong in a relaitionship is about me. Maybe you just have issues to sort out in your life.

I was angry on our last phone conversation not because of "your mistrust" you had for me since the beginning of our relationship. I was angry because of your manipulation and childish behavior once again. A behavior that i will not tolerate. You told me that you didn't want to share anything with your life with me, you told me to leave you alone, you told me in term that there would be no misunderstanding that you didn't want me in your life. And you proceeded to call me and share your life and talk to me. You have dont this constantly through our relationship....playing yo-yo with me and my emtions. I tired to develop weekly ritual to ensure that your and me spend time together and focus on each other, to create on own "little world". It made us connect, but you kept telling me that it wasn't real. When I am with you, you are loving, thoughtful and affectionate, but when i wasn't with your physcially all of that left. The last few month in our relatinoship i started to express my boundary

I realized Melissa, that you are just not capable of loving me in the way i want to be loved or capable of having the kind of relationship I need. Most of the time you were always trying to be difficult, or stubborn, or deliberately trying to make me unhappy. Look back now, you simply cannot operate on the same emtional level I operated on, nor did you want to. I guess we both fell in love and realized we are two different people with very conflicting pictures of what we both want and need in a intimate relationship. You are not right and i am not wrong, the problem is that our love style are incompatible. Your way wasn't better than mine, it was different. You are happy living as the person who are, and do not want a relationship where your partner needs you to open up or work on yourself. I do want a relaitonship in which I and my partner are always growing and changing together, and actively working on becoming more intimate and loving. That is one of the most important things in my life. I am freeing myself from you to one day find someone who shares my vision of love, and free you to find someone who loves you just the way you are also. You decided to end our relationship and that is fine, but I am not going to believe anymore that there is something wrong with me. It is a decision you make to be where you are now, and had nothing to do with me. I believe that I am valuable, and you don't. And that is your opinion. I love myself enough that I will never make your decision for not loving me have anything to do with me.


You have no idea how hard this has been for me. This has been the hardest thing i have ever have to do. I never regret our relationship. I never regret meeting you. I did wanted to marry you. Everyday is a struggle and I am amazed i made it this far. You broke my heart.




I dream sometimes that you would get an insight. Your heart would be touched as you realize my emotional nature is a very special gift that would be great source of strength to my life (my unusual compassion and love). I so want you to be different, to love me, to be sorry, to accept me, to apologize and to do it my way NOW. If we lived in a perfect world, you would lovingly come to me, peace treaty in hand. You'd admit all the mistakes you ever made and beg for my forgiveness for any and all wrongs. Then we would laugh and cry together in understand and love. Both of us would recognize that the past can't be undone; that we all have regrets, and that we're all going to die one day. We might as well get along. We would sign the peace treaty, go out to dinner and celebrate and make love till dawn.

You don’t go a relationship to see what you can get out of it. You go into a relationship to see what you can give to it.  All my life I seek and search for the perfect partner who would fulfill me and see me for who I am and bring me happiness. I thought I would be you. I was so in love with you that I ‘ll do anything to keep you in the room. What part of myself should I put a side. What was important to me was to keep you in the room of my life. I was dancing to music that was not my own. I was hiding who I was and this was causing so much pain. The pain of holding that I really was inside. I got into a trade relationship with you. You see love as a business transaction. You do what I want and I will be more loving. I won’t deny who I am anymore, Melissa

We have come to the crisis point in our relationship. Each passing day broadens the gaps between us. You think that this time things will be the same. Well, I don't. What has change is the movement from interdependence to independence on my side. I told you this numerous times, you don't see the world as it, and you see the world as you are. We are two people who are convinced both are right and other is wrong. It not so much about being right or wrong. It about forgiveness and caring. Right now...Melissa I don't care how much you know until I know how much you care. Do you accept me? Do you really care about me, just as I am? I am not open to your influence till I know how much you care about me. People are very very tender, very very vulnerable.  I am include in the bunch. My greatest fear is being inadequate. I always wanted someone to say, "You're the best. You're the greatest. I want someone to be really supportive and loyal to me no matter what. I would love you to say to me. “Do you know how I love you the most-----just the way you showing up now, slim, afraid to get lost, no proactive in planning things. I love you in spite of your fear. I love you because of it. I love you in spite of what you imagine your faults are, I love you because of them.” It not like you don't know how to love. I have been there in the center with you and watch you love your kids. You hold them, touch them, kiss them, forgive them, encourage them, and make it save for them to be who they are. Do I have to pay you to treat me like that?

The relationship is the way it is because of the attitudes that you bring into it. You honestly have to take responsibility for where this relationship has ended. You have to come face to face with things you have done that have contaminated this relationship.  You know I tell you so much about myself and you honestly think I am more mess up than you are. I am the person with the really problem and you try to fix me. Well, I am here to bring you face to face with yourself Melissa. Where there is darkness, bring in the light. You have so much anger inside of you. Your mind and body is obsessed with pain.
You are in denial. You have so many issues. You think you can treat it and handle the issues on your own. You think you can heal yourself. I am here to tell you that you need professional help. I am writing this for two reasons. To express how I have been feeling for so long and to show you the damage which you inflicted with your behavior. Take a look at this mirror of our relationship. Please realize that try not to hold anything back and be honest here. Learn from this so you don’t hurt others as you hurt me. You have no time to love because you hurt so much. You don’t trust anyone at all, because you honestly thing everyone is out to hurt you. You are so self-center because you are in so much pain. Everyone hurts sometimes as REM said in one of their songs. You want a guarantee before you open your heart. Life has no guarnatee at all. You have self-esteem issue. You need counseling. I cannot open your heart; you have to open the door to your heart. You need to deal with your demon. You need to find your parent.


When I get into a discussion with you, there is no understanding in your side. You get aggressive, the effect are so wounding, so intimidating, so threatening, so overpowering that I sometimes lose my bearing. I use to let you get your way because of this, but now I am tired of being a martyr. Why can't you live by the principle I live by--- (what is important to you must be as important to myself. In my heart, I would say my love for you is so great, and your happiness is so entwined that I would not feel good if I got my way and you are unhappy.) I remember when we were sitting on the couch...you ask what am I not letting you do? You really don't let anyone do what they want. I felt like I had to walk on minefield throughout the day to avoid stepping on a raw nerve. I never dare to give feedback for fear that I would stir up the anger or criticism all over again. You are a type A personality. You are always competitive and always impatient. You live by the philosophy of EXCEPTING MORE AND ACCEPTING LESS. The only reason people are afraid of or at least handle grenades and other bombs with a great deal of care is because they know what damage could be done if it explodes. You are like that. In your attempt to get more respect you get mad easier and quicker.  You use your “Bitching Technique”. You constantly complain and criticize while I am trying to make you happy by running around and trying to meet your every want, wish, need, and desire. It get to the point where I don’t even question what action you want as long as you don’t start bitching. You set up this electrical social fence around the yard of the relationship. If I stay in the yard and the boundary of the fence, I am safe. However, even touching the fence and testing the limits brings with it an electrical shock that zaps me with verbal and emotional voltage to let me know where the boundaries are. The sad part is the yard keeps shrinking as you try to gain more control. You turn me into an approval seeking wimp that just has to worry about the next way the queen’s wishes to be pleased

 It scary me that you told you will not change. I ask myself then how can things really change at all between us? I know I have change. I am sorry.  I believe you will hurt me again. You seem to be a normal and intelligent women, yet you resort to the most spiteful behavior when dealing with those who you claim you love. You can be astonishing hostile and cruel, childlike defensiveness, blame and shaming, exaggeration and denial. You find this side of you so distasteful that you cannot face it. You bad spirit is always there, always lurking, and during those time when the water get rough---when you get frustrated, threatened, and hurt---that you give in to your dark side. Your habitual win-lose need has absolutely bankrupted the emotional bank account. What kind of impact do you think it has on a relationship when you act this way? You cannot act with such self-righteousness and overbearing control and at the same time believe that you are pursuing what is best for the relationship.

You are a scorekeeper. “I’ll do for you if you do for me” I have done for you. You don’t love to get something back. You need to give love freely, openly, and unconditionally. Asking for nothing in return. How can you give measure love? How much love did I give to you? A pound, a cup-full, a gallon? How do you measure what you got back? You always obsess with my flaws and imperfections rather than find value in me. You’re almost telling me in one way or another, what I should be doing. You not only disagree with me most of the time, you make me feel like I violated some standard. Your opinion may be your opinion, but who dies and made you in charge, really. You don’t just state your opinion, but honestly think your opinion is the law, the standard for everything. Everyone else is wrong. State your opinion, but don’t put down other people’s opinions. Your opinion, your way is NOT THE BEST WAY, it is a different way. Howard Stern doesn’t suck, Temptation Island doesn’t suck. McDonald is not better than the burger you like in your restaurant. Just because I don’t have the same taste as you do, it doesn’t mean I have no taste. It mean I have a different taste. How dare you put anyone down if they don’t agree with you?

You think it’s your way or the highway. You go beyond competitiveness and criticism. You become self-righteous. You are obsessed with control. Everything has to be your idea, and everything has to be done your way. No other method than yours, however sufficient it might be is acceptable. You are intolerant of other and expect them to be passive puppets to your ideas and wishes. You always feel justified in everything you do. You set yourself up as the repository of all that is right and good. You cannot and will not admit you are wrong because you are addicted to rightness. You seek to set up a hierarchy, a pecking order in which ever is designed to elevate you to some pedestal. How can you even say that most of the problem in our relationship is equally divided? It is not. You won’t even let me be your equal. You probably saying to yourself that you hardly act this way, but the brutal fact is that you masquerade at some elevated level of confidence and competence, artificially inflating your own ego so that you can delude yourself, me and everyone around you believing that you are superior. But you are not superior Melissa, You are you. Stop thinking you are better than everyone else.

I can't change whatever happened to you as a child that may have influenced that way you are not behaving. The only thing I can tell you is that you are not a child anymore. You are an adult and you have the chance to choose what you think, feel and do. I know you have a tough history. I'm sorry. I really am. But I had also a hard past and so did many many others. I don't mean to make light of minimize suffering that you may have been through, but I cannot let that be an excuse of the way you are treating me anymore.
Your emotional Bank Account in relationship to me is overdrawn. There is no trust and authentic communication. You continually make withdraw instead of depositing and then expect me to trust you. Right now. I am the person in pain. I need you to show sacrifice, to listen to me, empathize, appreciate, and affirm me

You don't have this need or want for a strong healthy relationship. That is not important to you.  If you did, you would have that kind of resolve, that would give you sustaining power to swallow hard in difficult moments---to not say something or do something that would hurt me. You would be affirming something that is more important to you than just the emotion of the moment. You can't just give in. Not in arguments, not even in discussion. It is more important to be right or have it your way than to be "one". These tiny victory (which I allow you to win) that comes from winning arguments only cause greater separation between us. I don't feel that I am important to you. If I am going to be a top priority, you have to "hunker down, suck it up, and make it happen" You have to walk your talk. I look at your lifestyle and where you give your time, money and your primary attention and focus. I always find that I came subordinated to other things. You always find way to make your business better.... Spent money...making the kids feel important with the Halloween party, class picture, graduation party, now you want to get digital camera. Hell you spend and 6,000 dollars on expanding your business. And 500 dollars on your market research. How much money did you spent on me on the past 3.9 month of our relationship? You told me how a person spend money on you is the express of how much someone love you? Really. Then you must not love me a lot. You always complain about how I don't plan a night in Broadway or a show. Have you ever entertain me with that? You want a bed and breakfast. Why not take me? (I have a fear of getting lost and that is truly my reason why I have not done a bed and breakfast thing) It is you who is not generous at all. Why am I responsible to make you happy? You go into relationship to share. You share your completeness with each other, not try to fill your completeness with another.  I honestly never got so little in my life ...in term of small gift...token of affection. I have nothing of yours really except a journal book, the little prince book...three emails, turtleneck, pants, a sex-coupon book (which you won’t let me use...why the hell did you give it to me?) and some birth card, an Easter egg and roses you sent me once…did I forget else. I don’t remember?  I went on dates with women who did more. One woman after my second date, wanted to take me to bed and breakfast. Another one gave me a book of poem she wrote for me in. There was even another who made a colodge  of picture of love, flower...in fact she made two books. These little and big thing do matter. The reason why you don't put me up there is you really are not connected to me. Until you have a deep priority connection with me-----a commitment is made to it that is stronger than all other force that play on your everyday live--you will not have what it takes to prioritizes me. Instead other things will drive you. You are addicted to the sense of control and stimulation of work. The true richness of your life.the deep and lasting satisfaction on that only comes through relationship.

You look at the world through your own pair of glasses---glasses that create your value system, your expectation. You don't understand me because you judge me. You label me as non-committal. And you subconsciously look for evidence in my behavior to support your judgment. Another person looking at the same behavior may see it as evidence of commitment. This is my commitment to you. "My commitment is not a function of your behavior. It is total and complete. My love will always be there. You will always be in my heart. II will never betray you. I will never leave you. I will always be true to you no matter what you do. I will continue to tell you this through my word and action. My commitment is total and my love is unconditional. "

Let talk about what I did wrong. I told you I did not see a future in our relationship. I admit that. I understand when you tell me that I gave your this beautiful love and told you it is not your. I understand how this much effect you…but you cannot use this as an excuse for all the action you afflicted on me. I am sorry. I got enough punish from that already. If my love was not for you…who was it for? I forgave you after you had a one night stand…after you had a relationship with Mark, after you continues break up with me numerous times, I forgave you so many time when you were mean to me…. did I take the love away? NO…I did not. The truth is I was sacred to be in a relationship with a single mom. That is the truth. You left me over 1.5 year ago and you came back with your own free will. You told me you were unhappy with being with me and you would be happier not to be with me and I left.  I ask myself why was I willing to commit to you a this summer. It was because for a brief moment you created a loving, nurturing environment---an environment where it was safe for me to be vulnerable and open. This unconditional love and nurturing feeling free me from wasting energy in defending myself.

We had a few weeks of peace and tranquility, you were going out to meet other men, you also during that period of time were able to knock that chip off your shoulder, put aside your frustration and anger and disappointment, and put aside your critical perfectionism. I was able to be alone with myself or even my family without you bitching. Even though you might not like everything that I was doing, things were okay. We’re going to get along right now, and most important you made it know that it was safe and loving place for me to fall onto. Despite our difference in personality, despite all the things you sometimes wish I was or wasn’t the bottom line was I felt accept. If we look at what you spend most time talking about, you will see that the agenda of our relationship have become a problem-driven topic. You tend to focus on the negatives in our relationship to make it better, but dwelling on what is wrong you make it easy to forget and lose sight of what is right. You made us both forget what was so good about us and cause so much sorrow from that. I am still upset that you experiment with that guy and his roommate. You should have experiment with me.

Our big problem is not that we don’t understand we other. Our problem is that you have never forgive me for that first mistake of telling you that I did not see a future in our relationship early on in the beginning. You choose to bear anger at me. You build a wall around yourself. You become so trapped in an emtional complex of such pain you don’t want to forgive. Your resentment was literally become so pervasive as to crowd every other feeling out of your heart. You don’t want to forgive because you like the control and second you don’t want to look like a weakling. You want to bring down consequences on to me and make me pay. Well Melissa…you did make me pay. How much is enough? When am I finally done with payment for that crime? Have I not compensated the pain you felt? Do you have to continue to hurt me forever?

You think I should follow certain rules or met certain standard before you will be loving. If that is not CONDITIONAL LOVE, I don’t know what that is then.  You would accuse that I don’t commit to you and complain. You felt I wronged you. Just like everything else, unless you Melissa get what she want, it like you got nothing. We don’t have a committed relationship unless you get exactly what you want. That is bullshit. Your belief will continue your delusion. You will always be setting yourself up for ever- increasing disappointment with this attitude. The things that I always asked for you should not be something I should be begging for. To be respected, treated with kindness, to not be made guilty, to not be made unworthy and rejected. I should not be bargaining for what should be given to any human being in a relationship. And for you to imply, “Alex, if you commit to me, I will love you more I you commit to me more, I will respect you and treat you with kindness”. If you cannot love me before I commit more, how can you love me more? Oh yes…. I should trust you. It hard to trust someone who hurt you.

Commitment is sharing and not leaving with things get tough. Put yourself in my show for a few minutes please. You have done some and said some cruel, nasty, and mean things. The constant put-down, verbal abuse, sleeping with other people, making me feels guilty. If I even did half of the thing you did to me, we would have been over a long time ago. Correct? Let’s be honest now. The answer is YES. After all the abuse I took from you and I didn’t leave. Shouldn’t that give you a BIG sign of my love and commitment to you?  I do share my life with you; I do share my fear, my dreams, and my fantasy with you. You ask for more commitment and you are right to ask for it, but to say I never committed to you is one hundred percent false. It is only the degree of commitment that we are struggling with.

I am asking you again to come over to my side of the table once more. How do you make someone commit to you more>>>>>through love and trust. The more safe a person feels the more the person feel like they want to commit. Not only did I have to deal with my fear. I had to deal with you pushing me away. That is how much I love you.  Another guy would have said enough a long, long ago. You project that all the unpleasant thing you are experiencing in our relationship is being caused by me. Your life would be better, if I commit more, if I change. And as a result you feel there’s little you can do until I shape up my act. That is Bullshit.

-Would you want to commit to someone more when that same person is criticizing you?
-Would you want to commit to someone more when that same person make you feel
  Guilty?
-Would you want to commit to someone more when that same person makes you feel
  Unworthy?
-Would you want to commit to someone more when that same person sleep and fuck and
  Experiment with other people?
-Would you want to commit to someone more when that same person who breaks up with
  You every three months? (Do you know you break up with me on a average on every  
  Three month)
-Would you want to commit to someone more when that same person makes you cry?
-Would you want to commit to someone more when that same person makes you feel 
  Rejected?
-Would you want to commit to someone more when nothing is ever good enough?


You do not make it safe for me at all. When you were married to Jerry and everything he rejected your sexual advance, how did that make you feel? Loved? Wanted? After not feeling appreciated and important, did you want to do more or less for him? I am assuming you just gave up. Now why should this be any different for me? I gave and did many things and you reject my effort.  After a while I gave up.  Maybe I would have done more for you if I appreciate the small things I did. When Jerry reject your sexually and didn’t show you any sexual hungry for you, how did that make you feel. Like there was something wrong with you, didn’t it. Did it make you feel sexy, or want to be sexy for Jerry? NO. Your unkind act didn’t make me feel to want to commit to you more, but commit to you less.


What triggers conflict and causing me to withdraw and become distant?
1. Tears and expressions of pain that I am accused of causing but doesn't understand; and that make me feel unfairly blamed.
2. Criticism of my behavior and the pressure to reassure Melissa that love exists
3. Assertions that I am selfish and unloving when I believes he is being generous and loving.
4. Criticism of my worldview
5. Assertions that I am intentionally making everything but the relationship my priority."
What makes me feel less threatened and better able to move on to a committed relationship?
The obvious answer is a a woman who loves me for who I am and not for what I can do or provide
You cling to the illusion that you want to settle down, while  your actions are governed by a fear of intimacy. You are torn between a craving  for intimacy and a fear of it. You fear both abandonment and engulfment. You sent two messages to me, "Come closer, go away. Don't abandon me. Don't engulf me. The key word for the non-committer is conflict. And you love conflict. The key word for his/her partner is confusion.  Commitment phobias having abusive tendencies. It's a method of distancing, shifting the blame, and creating havoc in an up-till-then good relationship.
It was a living hell that I couldn't get out of, since I was so hooked on her promises of a life together. I think there is a very strong tie between commitment phobia and abusive behavior.
I love you Melissa. I love how your hand always finds mine. Your kisses are like dessert. You fit just perfectly in my arms. You look so angelic when you sleeps. Your skin is softer than satin. I like the way your head always finds just the right spot on my shoulder. I am touched when you cries during movies. You always smell wonderful even if you when you are not wearing perfume. Your voice is like my favorite song. From the beginning, I appreciated your values and morals, how you would treat yourself and other people.  I try to express my love to you every possible minute in any possible way.
You seemed to bolster your ego by diminishing mine. Oddly enough, your confidence and intelligence had been one of your most endearing qualities. You reinforced your confidence level by depleting mine. I felt inadequate as a man. I can only enhance your happiness, Melissa, not create it. Love should nurture like a mother’s love. A relationship should strengthen, not weaken the individuals involved. Harmony rather than domination is a key
There are two different definitions of "commitment". One definition is being sent to an institution. The other deals with making and keeping pledges or promises to another person. A commitment is a freeing and growing experience. When two people make a commitment to each other to grow, learn about life and love together, they are creating a positive place to be. A commitment is an act of trust, both of yourself and of your partner. You can’t demand boundaries in advance, or impose them on your partner, since you don’t have the right to be charge of the other person. People want to be loved and cared for, not controlled or ordered. REMEMBER THIS LINE, Melissa. PEOPLE WANT TO BE LOVED AND CARED FOR, CONTROLLED OR ORDER. You need to learn about and practice forgiveness, when your partner makes mistakes, is unfair or even hurtful. We all make mistakes. If we expect our partner to tolerate and accept our mistakes, we must also forgive our partner’s mistakes


You keep telling me I am needy. You are more needy than I am. You can never be satisfied. You can never be loved enough. I can never be attended enough. I feel frustrated by never seeming to be able to make you happy. You have an insatiable appetite for reassurance. You need to know over and over again that I am committed to you. Sometimes you unconsciously push me away just so you can get a dose of reassurance to prove my desire to hand in there. Manipulative and demanding, you keep me dancing forever, trying to find a way to bring peace. I never get to know what it means to have a fully functional and peaceful relationship.

I looked at Paul and Chris the night we went out and they are in love. I remember being that way all a long time ago. I miss that. You don’t think I want what Paul and Chris have? I miss someone caring for me that much. It is a balance relationship. All functional relationship flexes and changes when the music changes or someone gets stepped on. Partner both give and take and not just take. Partner stay aware of each other and are able to negotiate who leads and who follows across the dance floor of their life. They can move apart and come together and each taking a turn in the spotlight. With you it is different. It is hard being in a relationship with you Melissa. We are each dancing to a different music, going in different direction, making unpredictable moves to unknown beat. We can't negotiate who leads and who follows. We can't agree when to be together and when to move apart. One is always stepping on the other's toes. One partner wants to hog the spotlight.

A few weeks ago you allow yourself to have a moment of enlightment about how you perceive me. The night before you made me wallow in despair and self--pity. I was confused, I felt in adequacies. You promise to not hurt me again and to start valuing me. You told me all this and the following week something happen that is really the epic of our relationship. You hurt me again. It brought out our relationship into light and I cannot let it go. You wanted a loan from me. I gave you what I felt was comfortable to me. And you said that if I cannot give you exactly what you want it was like I gave you nothing.... OUCH. That hurt. You told me "I broke your heart". Ouch...that hurt. Again. You made me feel gulity.and bad. You would want me to put your need above my own feeling. You told me that this trigger an issue with you and your past. Everything in this relationship does that to you.  You did not appreciate my gift. The effort it took me to make the decision.  How hard it was to make it.  This is after you sent me an email telling me you will change the way your treat me.  

How can you want to destroy a relationship with someone who love you unconditionally? I have been nothing but supportive, understanding, giving, and I put your head above mine own so many times. I did thing for you I did not want to do. Your need and dreams and stuff matter more.  How many times did I tell you on the phone how sad I was or down I felt and it went in one ear and out there other and you would start with what you wanted and need in the phone conversation?  You don't even care about my dream to write. My passion to write. I wonder...did you even print out my entire Website and read it? I have been nothing but honest and show you my true self. I show you no disrespect, was supportive and loving. You made a choice to continue be with me. That was your choice. The difference between us is I never hurt you intentionally...ever. I feel like I do everything for you without explicitly asking for anything. I give to you what I really want for myself- unconditional love. I didn’t define my boundaries with you, when I should have. Secretly, I hope that you will change one day and appreciate me at last.

 For the longest time you said we did not have a relationship. According to Webster dictionary a relationship is define: a romantic or passionate attachment. I was romantically attached to you.  But because it was not the relationship that you had pictured in your mind, (it did not have those component you wanted).  We had nothing. Instead of being grateful in being with me,  you were punishing me. Perfection is perhaps about a moment, never about a relationship, never never about a life. The type of relationship you want looks perfect because fantasy is always better than relativity. You worship the fairy tale and I worship real life. You have blamed me for not being perfect. You were sarcastic. Scrutinize and criticizing me. You almost convince me that all the problem was my fault. You kept a list of as many problems as possible. Pile them up. Get even. Reject compromise. Taking no responsibility. Repeat to me subconsciously  "If it weren't for you this would be a prefect relationship." The truth is I took all your crap because I look behind those action. I knew your past and how you felt rejected, how you left abandonment, your need for family and acceptance and unconditional love, your low self-esteem. You were always testing me. I took it all and took all your issues.  Your projected all of your demons to me. All your action kept chipping me away little by little.  You kept on doing this for so long I start to believe it. That is how you control me. I blame myself for not being perfect. I personalize everything. I started to scrutinize and criticize myself. I focus on my shortcoming. Piling them up. Never forget them never forgiving myself or let go. I became convince because of you...that all the problem was my fault. I was always apologetic and trying to made it up to you.  I took all the responsible for all mistakes, for not being a perfect mind reader, for not being able to foretell the future. And after you kept on taking and taking and not putting anything in the emotional my emotional bank account until you made your final withdraw and went for the kill to bankrupt me a few weeks ago. The worst part of it all was how your action made me fee defective just like everyone else has done all my life. You chip at me, little by little and torn my self-esteem down. I hated myself more being with you. Nothing I did was right or good enough. Your verbal and emotional abuse made me so unworthy and unloved. I though for a moment that no one would love me except for you. And so I stay and took more of it. For who would love me someone like me? I am not good enough for your love. I was so hungry for love that those times you were truly loving I took them and held on to them…hoping you will love me more. There was always two parts to you. The loving side and the mean side. The unloving side was winning as time went on and then you wonder why I couldn’t commit more to you.

Your expectation in a relationship is unrealistic. You kept the same patterns and believe that this time it will be different.  You will finally get what you want. You ignore all real limitations. Expect more than is humanly possible. Blackmail me into becoming the perfect partner you never had and giving you all the unconditional love and feeling of belonging you wanted in childhood. You scatter these killer phrases liberally over our relationship and watch our love wither

-If you really loved me, you'd change yourself and only do things my way
-If you really loved me, you'd think and feel exactly as I do.
-If you really loved me, you'd know what I like, what I want, what I mean, what I don’t mean. You'd be able to read my mind. I wouldn't have to talk. My silence would be loud enough for you.
-If you really loved me, we'd never argue or disagree about work, movies. Restaurants,
sex.
-If you really loved me, our passion would never fade or need to be renewed.
-If you real love me, you wouldn't survive without me.

Every time you broke up with me, every time you fucked Mark, blew Mark or another man, every time you put me down, every time you attack me. You were knocking irreparable chinks of our relationship. You said you were sorry, but damage was done. You didn’t want to make repair. You left residue and the next time a fight comes around or discussion, I cannot help but remember the past thermonuclear reaction we had. I now want to just beat you to the punch.

You are slowly killing any affection that I am having for you. Is this what you want? It is just the way you have treated me and continue to treat me. I became the symbolic headpiece whether or not I was the cause of your unhappiness or not. You erode my heart little by little. It got more aggressive in the end. I became miserable. I left I was little. I was a non-living creature. I was angry with myself for letting it go for so long. You kept pushing the boundary ...subconsciously or not to see where the boundary was. You push me to the edge and when you reach my pain threshold.you kept on going. Kicking the spirit knock out of me. I don't think you understand the severity of the pain you inflict me. To inflict as much damage and pain you and I want to tell you that you did can only be explain in what Nicole Cage said in City of Angel. "Emotion becomes to powerful and your mind just can't contain it, and your body weeps." You broke my heart and made my body weeps beyond anyone you ever did. I felt that night that I did not mean that much to you. I cannot let you hurt me anymore. I cannot let you get inside of me and hurt me anymore. I cannot let you make me stay awake all night. No more PAIN. Your concern about me was related to your reference point of what is good for Melissa.  I had to close shop for my own personal safety and protection. A lot of sadness was left behind that damage you caused. I cannot bend anymore to what your need when I still feel that you don't give a dam about mine. You need to go out there and see how other men are and how they will treat you and you then will realize what a treasure you truly had with me.  If anyone becomes my partner, they get complete access to me. I wrote poem, read to you, I was touchy and feely and giving, and surprise you with little gift and stuff all the time.

I should be treated like a rare and valuable thing, one that must be cared for and worked on. I refuse to let myself be bogged down or even sucked into an ugly emotion and hateful interaction. I will no longer settle for living as a second class life. You need to ask yourself this question from now on—“What I am doing and what I am saying…will it bring us closer together or pushing us further apart?” The person you supposed love more than anyone and want to spent your life with as you say is not afforded the common everyday courtesy of even your most casual acquaintance (you kid in the center for example) If I have not your needs, that is your responsibility. It is unfair to criticize me for not recognizing or even meet your needs. I cannot read your mind. You have also use intimate self-disclosure in confrontation against me. I cannot come to you with anything for the fear that you will judge me and withdraw your love to me. Certain aspects of your behavior are on in harmony with my life anymore. And that does not mean that I don’t love you. But you don’t have to find something wrong with me for me to be the villain of this relationship in order for you to justify your truth.


What a person is suppose to do in a relationship is not to seek to take away from the another, but to give to another empowerment so that person can express who they really are. You would want nothing from them and give them everything. That is love. My purpose and has always been in the relationship is to see what I can give, to see what I can empower, what can I indeed create and cause you to realize about yourself. I want nothing from you but I want to give you everything. But this does not mean that you have the right to abuse me and walk all over me. Love doesn’t struggle with power. I used to think I was this person with all these fault and that is why I could not make a relationship work. If only I can straight myself out, then I present myself in a package that would endure and enjoy. Almost everyone in my life has been telling me about my fault including you.

I realize my faults are my greatest assets with the volume raise up. The ever thing that people fell in love with me is what sometimes turn then away as well. I will not disown my different part, but I will lower the volume just a bit.
I don’t want a love that possess rather than release
I don’t want a love that limit      rather than expand

This is what I know about relationship that work
-There is no condition
-There is no limitation

Love is freedom. The human soul cannot be happy if it is restrict in anyway. When you love someone, you never restrict them in anything. Melissa, when you choose for me what you choose for yourself you are not loving me. You are loving yourself through me.

These are my need:
Emotionally-    -need to told I am loved
        -Need to feel respected as an individual
        -Need to be special
        -Need to feel accepted, flaws,
        -Need to appreciated for what I do for you
        -Need to forgiven for transgression

Physically-    -need to touch, kiss and hugged
        -Need to cum
        -Need to expand the sexual boundary

Security-    -you will stand by me in time of distress or conflict
        -Rally to my aid if needed
        -Input and control with regard to the emotional aspect of relationship


Healthy relationship should not hurt. They’re not always in crisis and don’t cause undue stress. Partner accepts that sometimes each person will need to be especially caring or cared for. They don’t try to fix one another. They’re considerate, respectful, and loving. They don’t expect people to be perfect. They foster each person’s uniqueness, creativity, and growth. I learned growing up that a man should be loving.  You learned from your abuse that to never to show vulnerability with man and to depend on no one but yourself.

People always act according to their beliefs. We don't choose any behavior without believing something first that is the basis of that behavior.
People get divorced and break other relationship commitments because they believe in giving themselves the option to do so. They believe that it's in their best interests to have the option to split up.
Two people who simply don't give themselves the option of separating will not separate.
Two people who don't give themselves the option of not feeling in love with each other will keep alive the feelings of being in love.
Two people who simply don't give themselves the option of feeling discontent and unhappy with each other will stay content and happy with each other.
Two people who know that they both think this way can have a sense of emotional security in the relationship that only two such people can experience


Most relationship doesn’t need the meeting of the mind to succeed. There will always be issues in any relationship where you will disagree. And these issues will be there now and forever. Our issues will never leave us. For our issues to be resolve one of us must sacrifice our true belief from our core of consciousness. To do what would be to go against who we really are. The best thing to do is to agree to disagree, but you take it personally and resort to insult or counterattack, because you feel frustrated and that is wrong. You don’t live by simple rules of engagement; you attack the worthiness of who I am. I feel like I have genuine love for you in a foreign language that you don’t understand. And because of this, you think that I have no love and commitment for you.  Does that fact that I did not chose a mode of expression that is precisely that which you decide is correct make me feeling for you any lesser value? The worst part is that you miss quality offering of love and devotion because of it.

If the relationship is not everything you want it to be, it’s your thinking, your attitude, and your emotions that need to change. You have chosen the thought, feeling, and behavior that are creating the pain in our relationship. And at some level these characteristic and pattern of your provide you with a payoff.