ARTICLE: SLATE My Partner Doesn’t Like Oral Sex, so I Had an Affair I feel like I’ve settled just to please him.

 Dear How to Do It,

I have been with my significant other for over five years. We take care of three kids and are currently about to have another. I always knew that he didn’t like oral sex, but I am a person who used to get oral sex, and I really do like it. I feel like I’ve settled just to please him: I will give it to him, I please him all the time, but I never get it back, and over the years I’ve stopped asking because I know how much he doesn’t like it. It always bothered me, but I never said anything because of the confrontation and defense. When we do have a conversation about it, I usually say, “I don’t want you doing anything you’re uncomfortable with because it is not going to feel right.” Our sexual behaviors have reduced in frequency in recent years. We have had infidelities, including when I stepped out because of not receiving that oral attention.

I try to explain my desires to him—“I want you to actually be enthusiastic about it and care that you’re doing this for me just as I do for you”—but at this point our sex life is just not what I want. I don’t like it, but I don’t want to cheat on him again. Am I wrong for feeling like this, or am I wrong for wanting more than what he’s offering? Because I feel like I’m just settling just to please him.

—Hot and Bothered

Dear Hot and Bothered,

You’re in a sexually one-sided relationship with a person whom you share the care of three—soon to be four—children with. And, when you try to broach this subject, you’re met with defense. In two paragraphs, you describe yourself as “settling just to please him” twice. You’ve stepped out, returned, and still aren’t happy with the sex you’re having. I assume there are reasons you are still partnered with this man and that he has positive qualities that attracted you in the first place. Make an actual list, and make a list of your points of resentment. Does one list feel shorter or less significant than the other? Maybe he hasn’t exhibited those good aspects in a while, or maybe you’ve become so focused on this oral sex issue that you aren’t noticing them as much now.

Is it possible for you to see a therapist individually for a few months to get some help understanding your position and what you need changed? I think it’d be very useful for you. Other questions to work through: Can you be happy this way? Do you need the ability to engage in sex with someone who pleases you? Would you want to leave entirely or work out an open arrangement? A few sessions of couples counseling also might help you and your partner have a productive conversation about oral sex.

I don’t think you’re wrong for wanting your partner to enthusiastically want to give you oral pleasure, but I do think you might be at an impasse. Whatever it is that puts him off, your dude doesn’t like performing cunnilingus, and there isn’t anything I know of that can change that.  Good luck.