PERSONA;: STRIPPING DOWN AND BEING HONEST ABOUT LOVE PART 1

Once of my favorite section in Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is about love.

“My wife and I just don't have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don't love her anymore and she doesn't love me. What can i do?"
"The feeling isn't there anymore?" I asked.
"That's right," he reaffirmed. "And we have three children we're really concerned about. What do you suggest?"
"love her," I replied.
"I told you, the feeling just isn't there anymore."
"Love her."
"You don't understand. the feeling of love just isn't there."
"Then love her. If the feeling isn't there, that's a good reason to love her."
"But how do you love when you don't love?"
"My friend , love is a verb. Love - the feeling - is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”

I am both saddened and exhausted with the number of people who say they’re looking for good love, but approach it like they’re car shopping — 5 year warranty, leather seats, all the bells and whistles. Oh, but I want it to love me “back.” Forever.

And it makes me sad for them. Because they truly keep waking up each day not fully understanding why nobody sticks around, and I want to shake them, tearful and screaming, 
Love is not a checkbox. People are not a thing. Neither are a requirement or an accomplishment, and while they may have standing as status symbols and social objects, the reality is that holding them in this light ruins the underlying potential for real love. The two mindsets cannot coexist.

Love is work. Love is commitment. In the same sense your job isn’t about putting on a paper suit and carrying an empty briefcase around just to tell people your title, and good love isn’t hollow either. (And in the same way that many people do make their work into little more than empty time sucks, they absolutely do this with love as well. But there is no meaning at the end of it, in either one.)

Love isn’t a static, one and done achievement to attain. The goal isn’t to “settle down,” but reinvest day after day.

If you want meaning, you have to make meaning. And if you want richness and real love, you have to invest accordingly. That doesn’t mean planning date nights and putting on cute outfits and remembering anniversaries. It means actually and deeply caring about the other person and their unique, human person life experience — every day.

It’s natural to treat love like a static thing to obtain. It can be tempting to pretend as if there’s one little thing that, if you could just get it under control, would fix everything and all would be okay.

This is why love feels so hard to “get,” and why real love is even harder. Good partners aren’t picked up like a haphazard game of human musical chairs. Not the good ones anyway, not the ones with real love.

I can’t guarantee that you’ll have good love. It’s a privilege, not a right, and it isn’t promised to anyone, you or me alike.

But I can guarantee that you will never have love — real love, dat good AF authentic love— if you think of it like a checkbox or status symbol in your life.

We get what we put out in the world, and that includes approaching other people with the same whole-hearted, honest to goodness grace and respect and investment that we most yearn for back.

It’s not that I’m telling you that you have to wait around for someone who sees you as their Dream Person. In fact, I’m saying the opposite. I’m saying that we should have good values — and we should find partners that have good values. And part of those good values should be not holding out for some idealized image of perfection — or settling for someone who’s eying us the same way.

I’m saying you deserve someone who’s got their head on straight and their values in the right place and wakes up each morning, looks at you — in your utterly imperfect human-being-ness — and still thinks to themselves, “aww yeah.”

Maybe you care for each other. Or maybe you just want to care for each other. Maybe you want him, but you’d want him even more if only.

Don’t live your life that way. Don’t treat other human beings that way. And don’t let other human beings regard you that way. Don’t settle for a partner who looks at you across the table and internally sighs, “not perfect, but they’ll do.” Look for someone who smiles, “doesn’t matter — I want them.”  And, equally important, be that person back.

It doesn’t matter if everything is there if they always hold “perfection” over your head. It doesn’t matter if you’re their favorite person to talk to, or they’re secure with you, or they spend all their free time with you, and “every moment together feels as natural as anything you’ve ever known.” If they’re holding out for something “slightly better,” run. That’s not to say that “better” isn’t out there — it’s to say that we shouldn’t settle for people who enter into relationships like they’re something to maximize.

Because there will always be someone more attractive, younger, smarter, more novel (obvs), more fun, whatever. If they want to chase phantoms, fucking let them. Don’t settle for that shit. Imagine how heartbroken you’d feel if you met someone absolutely incredible — only to meet their partner and realize they regarded them as “just okay.” That’s how someone out there will feel meeting you and your partner if you settle for someone who does this.

You deserve better. We all do. If they are holding out for something, leave. If they aren’t sure, leave. If they have reasons — timing, not being ready, busy, doesn’t want to ruin it, etc. — then bounce. If they cared, they wouldn’t want to risk it. So leave if they do. You deserve more than someone who isn’t sure.

It is one thing to give someone time and space to work out a decision — we all need that from time to time. Making decisions that affect our lives require thought and even reflection to be certain we are ready, or at least ready to give it a shot. Yet if time after time, she finds yet another reason to place you on the backburner, then you shouldn’t keep holding on to someone who views you more as a choice she can’t make rather than someone she can’t imagine not being with... It’s okay if you want to wait, but you should also know that you shouldn’t be expected to wait forever while someone reels you in and pushes you away in the name of self-preservation.

You deserve someone who chooses you, and continues to choose you. You are a person, not a throw pillow. You add value as a complex and imperfect human being. Wait for someone who sees you as special, not a chore or checkbox. Let someone else step up and do exactly what you’ve been hoping for —choose you, right now. With whatever they have to offer.


Love with intention. You were made for other people who feel deeply; hearts that love with every single beat. You were made for hearts that forget easily, move on gently. You were made for hearts that appreciate and respect what it’s like to be broken, what it’s like to be lonely or what it’s like to miss someone.

You were made for hearts that feel, that know how to have emotions, how to love. You were made for hearts that open and invite you to open in response.

You were made for hearts that are ready to accept your love in its entirety. You were made for hearts that know how to appreciate what your heart has to offer. You were made for hearts that think your love is right.

You were made for consistent love. You were made for hearts that expand into everything. You were made for hearts that do make you feel whole.

“You were made for brave hearts, for fierce hearts, for hearts that go all in, for hearts that plunge into your arms. You were made for hearts that soften your edges, hearts that inspire you to feel everything and more. You were made for hearts that make you want to fall over and over again without worrying about hitting the ground or getting hurt.

You were made for hearts that keep on loving even after too many heartbreaks. You were made for hearts that still know how to love like they’ve never been hurt. You were made for big hearts and hearts that don’t want to settle for anything less than big love.”

You were not made for vulnerable hearts, you were made for hearts that give, you were made for hearts that love. You were made for stable heart, sturdy hearts, secure hearts. You were made for hearts that know how to keep precious hearts like yours safe and protected.

You were made for hearts that can’t help but fall in love with hearts like yours.


So many woman called me boring. I think  "boring” is better than “impassioned,” and while most great relationships have a blend of both, forced to choose, we should readily take the former. Consistently warm is far more hospitable than hot and cold for long-term emotional wellbeing.

Boring is beautiful. By “boring,” I mean stability, consistency, reliability. We can hang our hat on these things; we can only build on a solid, unwavering foundation. Greatness is built with consistency. As true for relationships as it is for anything.

Weight loss happens with countless little daily decisions, not binging and purging. Building a company happens in the millions of micro-moments, not landing — and losing — That One Big Client. It’s a lot easier to engineer a solution around consistent variables — regardless of what they are.

When a partner (or the relationship) is up, down, hot, cold, ecstatic, pissed, etc., we spend far too much time managing their feelings and not enough time actually building the relationship. I can’t do anything with an erratic partner.

Greatness is built with agency and taking responsibility.Our partners are not here to keep us “entertained.” If we approach love with healthy hearts, we don’t complain of “boredom” with our partners, because we understand that they are not here to amuse, distract, or otherwise entertain us. Their lives are not fuel for our amusement, they are not here simply to delight and distract. We are responsible for our own emotional wellbeing.

Greatness is built with emotional health. Emotionally healthy people do not chase “romance” and put on exaggerated displays. Emotionally healthy people can lap at the edge of excess; they are satiated on healthy displays of love alone. They understand that real, healthy love is in the every day little shit — remembering the dry cleaning; a hug; a word of encouragement before the big meeting— and they don’t require, nor do they have any real appetite for, the showy shit that’s “shareable” on social media.

Greatness is built in the everyday, not the few exciting moments. Great relationships, like anything, are built in the everyday. They don’t simply endure the everyday to just get to the next vacation or fun outing, just like great work doesn’t simply endure the work week to get to the weekend. Relationships are built in the “white space” of life; they are the everyday. So what we do with that time makes or breaks us.

Every moment we spend with our loved one is precious and invaluable. That’s where the relationship lives or dies. And a lot of those everyday moments are, for the most part, boring. That 80 year old couple holding hands in the park is sharing “boring.” They got there one day at a time. Impassioned is dangerous

By “impassioned” I mean excitement, excess, extremes. Romantic hedonism — new restaurants, gifts, travel, grandiose displays or constant reassurance or lofty, poetic declarations of love. If you want great love, these should make you want to run.

When we chase romance and excitement, we do to “love” what porn does to sex. I can appreciate a sentimental surprise as much as the next guy, but nothing turns me off more than empty romantic gestures for the sake of the gesture. Given the choice, I’d rather take a woman who never does anything “romantic”but is stable and emotionally-secure every day.

“Passion” is dangerous to hang our hearts on because it fades away. It must either be doggedly pursued and constantly refueled, or it runs the risk of exposing the realization that there’s nothing underneath. Love built on frenzied pursuits leaves us fatigued and washed up, looking at each other at the end of our ropes, frustrated that we “can’t come up with anything else to do.”

In good love, there’s nothing “to do” except love one another. Every day. And it doesn’t depend on how we feel, because good, healthy love doesn’t hinge on our feelings; it’s a choice. Every day.

Good love looks and feels “boring”.Real, healthy love is quiet, not loud. It is calm, not frenzied. It is solid and stable, not flighty or fickle. Good love is everyday — every day.


I’ll never complain of boredom with you. Because I want it to be “boring,” and entertainment ain’t your job. I hear people break up over shit like “boredom.” I hear they approach other human beings expecting “entertainment” of them, and I hear they break hearts over bullshit and disillusion. You’re not here to entertain me any more than I’m here to entertain you. We are not put here to “amuse” each other.

You’re a person and I’m a person and we both live our own lives. If I’m bored in life that’s on me, not you, and I would never make it your problem to fix something that’s my problem first to solve.

If I’m correct in understanding this pervasive idea of “boredom” is just “sameness” or “routine,” then to that I have to laugh a little in response. Because, like, lol child — consistency is what I want. If you want to chalk it up as “boring,” I mean… you do you. But I will happily take a little boredom if I what I get back is the same exact person day to day.

Now, if you want to mix it up by bringing home the occasional surprise? Adorable. You want to do something different this weekend? Awesome. Want to try something new in bed — totally cool.

You think it looks boring to like doing the same things, eating the same foods, drinking the same drinks, going to the same places? I don’t give a fuck. What I care about is how you think and act. You think it’s lame not to have cool hobbies; then pick one up, but I don’t care. I think “cool hobbies” pale in comparison to “cool thought” and “cool demeanor.”

You intrigue me deeply on better levels, and I’d happily take what looks like “same” but is secure and smart and solid over spastic and shallow any day. And if you think I’m playing, lol, aiight… then bore me a little. Try me. I’m only going to like you more.


I usually tell any woman I’m dating, early on, “relationships aren’t about magic. I could make it work with most anyone. I just don’t want to.”

Most of what we think of as “love” is bullshit. Most people treat love as something happens to them, or something they “are in.” But love — good, healthy, mature love — is not being or feeling. It’s not motivation or inspiration or being swept away or overwhelmed.


Love is an act. It’s a decision. It’s deliberate. It’s external effort and energy every day. It’s choosing and committing. It’s doing. It’s based on you, not them.So you *can* love anyone

By my definition of love, it seems like in theory it should be possible to love anyone. In theory, sure.Just like anything else you choose and do.You could eat most anything for lunch. You can walk or drive or fly most anywhere. You can spend the money you have however you want. You can do any number of things with your time. You could say anything. And yeah, you could, in theory, love anyone.

But that doesn’t mean you *should* love anyone, Does this mean you should love everyone? No. You can care for everyone’s wellbeing in a passive way, but you can’t actively invest in everyone.

Just like you don’t eat everything — at once, or even in general. You don’t say everything that pops into your head. You don’t do everything, go everywhere, think about everything. You don’t waste your money on hobbies you don’t have. You choose.

You make deliberate decisions on what to do, based on what you want. And you choose who to love just as consciously.

How you choose? Lol, I can tell you one thing for sure: it’s not how most people choose.
If you want good love, you don’t choose based on physical attractiveness. You don’t choose based on how they “make you feel.” You don’t choose based on a stupid set of interests and characteristics (“must love dogs,” “favorite food: lasagna.”)

I only want 4 things in a partner. In order:

Kindness, keeping your word, Emotional health and well being — emotional security and stability and finally someone who take care of their health.

If love is an act, then love is an investment of time and attention (our most valuable things in life.) And if love is an investment, then you love based on return.

Emotional health is the indicator of the ROI of love. If you dump love into an unstable person, you’re pouring it down the drain. But secure people are “easy” to love, give high rewards for reasonable effort, and love back readily.

If you want to be healthy, you choose healthy meals — and then eat them. If you want a good career, you choose a good job — and then actually do good work.And if you want a healthy relationship, you choose an emotionally-healthy partner, and afterwards focus on the work of loving them.

Because emotionally-healthy partners will put in effort and love right back. So pick someone who is a.) self-loving, b.) deserving of your love and c.) will return it and meet your needs.

Should you still love people that hurt/disrespect you?No, not actively. Passively and from afar, maybe — you can wish the best for them and respect their decisions — but not in a way that’s intimate, vulnerable, or invested.

Is love fundamentally selfish? “It seems like… you’re loving people selflessly and not for the sake of what you can get out of it.”Yes and no. Wanting a partner is probably always selfish in the same sense that every reason for wanting a child is selfish. Because your needs — or, at best, your desire to meet their theoretical ones — are all you have going in.

What matters more is what happens afterwards.

Viewing your partner, day to day, as someone to meet your needs is definitely selfish.But wanting to serve their needs, day to day, is love. So being in a good relationship — much like being a good parent — is selfless.

You choose a good person. And then you make the investment of love each and every day. And they do too.You get your needs met, by meeting theirs.

 Love can’t exist without self-respect. Love is not “allowing mistreatment.” Love is not “

Loving ourselves means pursuing people that want us, rather than gutting ourselves over people who don’t.

Your time and attention are the most valuable things you have. Invest them in worthwhile people and things.