THOUGHTS: THE TRUTH IS THAT NO ONE REALLY KNOWS ME

i constantly wonder how my life looks in other people’s eyes. do the think i have it easy? do they think i have nothing going on for myself? or are the fascinated with who i am? the thing is that no one will ever know my whole story. no one will ever know the things i’ve had to overcome. not even my closest friends, not even my own family. the thing is that people are so quick to judge now a days. you only see a person from what they want and allow you to see. i always try to look as put together as i can, and i guess that’s my way of hiding from the truth. it’s just that way that everyone will assume that everything in my life is okay. that i never go through anything. if only everyone knew how broken i am, and how i’m holding on for dear life on this one last strand that’s recently become very delicate. the truth is that no one really knows me. no one will ever know me, and sometimes that scares me, because no one will ever know why i am the way i am.

I just somehow need to know that you still think of me from time to time. don’t make this little hope i still have left deep down inside of me buried underneath everything deteriorate as it has enough already throughout the years. just give me a little hint that i somehow inspired you to be the person you are today. a hint that i impacted you and touched your life somehow. a hint to know that i actually mattered in your life once upon a time

I’m not saying that at some point love isn’t staying up until 2am phone calls or stealing kisses when you least expect it, or instantly falling for each other’s favorite songs because it is, or at least that’s what the lead up to it feels like, but real love, is so much more. it’s going out at 12am to get something to eat for your wife who can’t get out of bed, it’s listening to them as they explode with vulnerability on your living room couch talking about how they were only so young when their parents passed on. it’s remembering how someone likes their coffee in the morning without asking - without ever asking, it’s visiting someone in the hospital knowing the last thing you want to do is see them in that condition, it’s wanting to be with that person despite everything, the future, the past, and everything in between, it’s the intimate things that you don’t even realize involve such intimacy, but they do, in secret, like the pinky promises you two made behind your back, to love one another for always, in the time you thought you were in love, when you were actually just on your way to it.

I still miss you, but not like a did before. the intense aching i felt isn’t there anymore. i still whisper your name, though not as often as i used to. now it may be once before the day is through. i still hear your voice replaying in my mind, but it’s fading now. soon, silence i will find. i still long for you, to feel your touch, but it’s not like before. i don’t dream it as much. i still think about you and wonder how you are, but my feelings have changed and they don’t go as far. i still feel you sometimes. maybe you’re thinking of me, or maybe it’s just a little memory of how it used to be. i still love you but it’s just not as strong because i’m letting you go now, so we can both move on. you still have a piece of my heart because i always feel you here. now i’m hoping and praying that that, too, will quickly disappear. this will be my last goodbye, i‘ve nothing else to say. everything i felt for you can now just fade away


Marry your best friend. i do not say that lightly. really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with. someone who speaks highly of you. someone you can laugh with. the kind of laughs that make your belly ache, and your nose snort. the embarrassing, earnest, healing kind of laughs. it is important. life is too short not to love someone who lets you be a fool with them. make sure they are somebody who lets you cry, too.despair will come. find someone that you want to be there with you through those times. most importantly, marry the one that makes passion, love, and madness combine and course through you. a love that will never dilute - even when the waters get deep, and dark.



I’ve said that when you love someone, its forever. but i was wrong. nothing can last forever. and that’s what you’ve taught me. you’ve taught me that feelings go away. promises can be broken,and love isn’t for everyone. when i met you, i thought that all of my past experiences would go away. but in the end, you brought them back and added more hurt to them. i’ve always thought that there is going to be one man who can treat me right. but there isn’t. there is only little boys who claim that they can. love is a precious thing. and that’s why its so hard to find. that’s why its hard to find someone who can offer their love to you. and when you’ve been hurt, you shut the doors to your heart and stop any form of care and love to go in. now, you’ve brought me every type of hurt imaginable. and i don’t think i will ever love again. but what i know for sure, is that i would forget all of this the very second you tell me you want me back. but for now, i’m just going to live my life as if i don’t care. and i just want you to let you know that even though you have broken my heart. i still love you.



If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next, don’t be. embrace the uncertainty. allow it to lead you places. be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don’t waste time with regret. spin wildly into your next action. enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you’ll never get another one quite like it. and if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart… where your hope lives. you’ll find your way again.


There comes a point when you just love someone. not because they’re good, or bad, or anything really. you just love them. it doesn’t mean you’ll be together forever. it doesn’t mean you won’t hurt each other. it just means you love them.


Every day is an adventure to discovering the meaning of life. it is each little thing that you do everyday, whether it be spending time with your friends, running a cross-country race, orjust simply staring at the crashing ocean waves, that holds the key to discovering the meaning of life. i would rather be out enjoying these simple things than pondering them. we may never really discover the meaning of life, but the knowledge we gain in our quest to discover it is truly more valuable.

Maybe that’s just growing up. when you’re young, you tell yourself things like “well, if it didn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be" as if that actually meant something just because it sounds like it does. i think you can say something like that so blithely because you expect to stumble onto something else just as wonderful just around the next bend in the road. but people are rare perfect unique things and just because everyone really does live a life full of farewells doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least realize what it really means to say goodbye to something that meant everything.  just because you will survive and get over it doesn’t mean you should let it go.

Every now and then, those three little words slip out. no, not “i love you." and no, not "i hate you." but i miss you. and for an instant, i can’t stand myself. because i know you never thought about me half as much as i thought about you. because i can’t stop thinking about you. i can’t get you out of my head - from under my skin


You know what? i’m not fine. i’m anything but fine. i feel invisible and worthless. i’m never first choice and i’m always the ugly friend. my heart stops beating and my brain stops working when i see you. i’m not fine. i’m never just fine.


I used to constantly look for people to replace you. someone to talk to everyday, someone to trust, someone to believe in, someone to love, someone to have the time of my life with. i stopped though. i learned some people really can’t be replaced.

There’s always going to be this one thing you wish for but never get. that one mistake you wish you can erase but can never take back. and most of all, that one memory you would do anything for, just to have it again.


don’t ever let anyone promise you that they will never hurt you because at one time or another, it will happen. the real promise is that the time you spend together will be worth all the pain in the end.

if we break down and began to cry, it can make us feel weak. but the true fact is that breaking down and crying makes us a stronger individual. how is that you ask? because it means that you feel emotions so strong that they completely take your body by storm and cause you to release all the sad, negative energy you have deep inside. think about it, after a good cry you might still feel shitty, but remember that split second after you just finished crying… isn’t it the most amazing, weight lifting feeling in the world?


there are things we easily forget. people we think are easily replaceable. relationships we throw away because we think it’s not worth our time and effort. and then there are those that we cant let go at all, no matter how bad the memories were. we hang on to them because when all is said and done, when people finally left and relationships weaken, memories are all we would ever have.


i used to think when i got older; the world would make so much more sense. but you know what? the older i get, the more confusing it is to me. the more complicated it is to me. you’d think we’d get better at it, but we don’t.


i don’t want people to matter to me too much. sometimes it hurts too much to think about them. ones you love who don’t love you, ones who are dead or hate you, ones who you think about but never get to be with. i like people but when i get too close, it fucks me up and i can’t get shit done.

you don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life, but your own. & when you mess with one part of a persons life, you’re not just messing with that part. unfortunately you can’t be that precise & selective. when you mess with one part of a persons life, you’re messing with their entire life.everything affects everything.

it’s strange how life works. you want something and you wait and wait, and feel like its taking forever to come. then it happens and it’s over, and all you want to do is curl back up in that moment before things changed.

i’m so tired of dancing around these big words.. i just want to be honest with you. more than anything i want to be honest with you. but, do you think we’re ready for that honesty? because honesty is a big word and it changes things, and it complicates things. are you sure you’re ready for everything that goes along with the truth?


i think the words your stop yourself from saying are the ones that haunt you the longest. so say it to them. or say it to yourself in the mirror, say it in a letter you’ll never send or a book millions might read someday. i think you deserve to look back on your life without a chorus of voices saying ‘i couldve, but its to late now.’ there is a time for silence, there is a time for waiting your turn. but if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you’ll know it. i don’t think you should wait, i think you should speak now.


you have to get hurt. that’s how you learn. the strongest people out there, the ones who laugh the hardest with a genuine smile, those are the people who have fought the toughest battles. because they’ve decided that they’re not going to let anything hold them down, they’re moving on.


i need someone to prove to me that i’m worth it, really worth it to them. maybe all i need is a person who can show me that everyone is not the same. honestly, i thought you were that person but i was wrong. is it too much to ask for someone to take a risk on me, to fight for me, to actually care enough to not let something go; the way i did for you? you never even thanked me. i acted the way i did because i cared. i didn’t realize it then, but i do now. i don’t do that for just anyone. so, call me crazy, but today.. today i realized that i can’t keep waiting for you. i’m moving on, i can’t stay in one place waiting. i can’t be around you anymore. i’m not over it, i don’t get over things fast, i never have, no matter how much i try and convince myself. i’ll see you around sometime. i keep thinking maybe somehow, something will click and everything will go back to the way it was in the beginning. maybe we could go back to that, but too much has been said and done. so, maybe you’ll get one more chance from me, maybe you won’t.


it’s a pain that you can’t fix. it’s not like an insecurity on your face, or your body that you can get rid of with surgery. it’s not like a broken heart from a boy. but it’s a hole in my heart that will be forever empty, because of two people who didn’t really love each other, but pretended to. and although i hide it, it kills me. every second of every day. i can’t push it to the back of my mind like i used to. my smiles aren’t fake. i’m happy. but i’m not okay.



i think i’ve finally come to the point in my life where i’m happy with myself and know that i don’t have to change or be a certain way for people to like me anymore. i’m just fine and if someone doesn’t think i am, screw them.

i love that moment. when you’re on a long car ride, or listening to music, or reading. and youcompletely zone out. you forget your troubles, and everyone around you. you’re focused on that one thing, and that one thing only. you’re content, and everything seems peaceful.

all that i ever wanted was to be worth something, worth something to someone, worth their time, their energy,love, their money, worth someone’s everything.


did you ever notice that there is always that particular line in that certain song that stands out in a certain way and reminds you of that one person you can’t seem to forget?

i think we spend too much time wondering why we’re not good enough. we waste too much time putting ourselves down, that we don’t ever stop to see that we are good enough. we spend too much time with our heads down and hearts closed, and never get a chance to look up from the ground and see that the sun is shining and tomorrow is another day.


 you know you’re in love when all you can think about is that one special person and you can’t stand to be away from them for more than one second. you miss them even though they’re standing right next to you. you fall asleep thinking about them, and dream about them every night.

Do you know why she chooses to stay with the guy who hurt her? cause despite that, he knows how to make her happy. there may be cuter guys out there, but she doesn’t care about that cause to her, nobody can compare. he does more right things than wrong so she stays with him for all the right things he’s done and not leave him for that one mistake. and she knows no matter who she ends up with, they’re gonna fight regardless and she would rather deal with no one else, but him

we lose people we love because they are meant to love someone else. we lose them because we are destined to find somebody else. it is a simple fact that is sometimes hard to accept because we are too stupid to let go.



at the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. so this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. so we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. no matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. and sure, sometimes close can be too close. but sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.



there is no perfect relationship. bullshit will come up when you least expect it. jealousy will come out of nowhere. at times you will feel replaced and at times you will feel like giving up. just don’t go that far. don’t give up. you’ll argue, and you won’t talk for days, but nobody says it has to be over.



in time, we’ll realize that there are people who are unworthy of our sacrifices. we just have to forget them, just like the way they ignored our efforts.


i will never understand why i ended up this way or what the reason was for. i’ll never understand why this world is so fucked up and barely anyone cares. i’ll never understand alot of things, like why people lie, cheat, and steal. why they are rude, mean, bitchy, horrible, and inconsiderate. i’ll never understand how pain never goes away. i’ll never understand love or hate. i’ll never understand life.



everything will be okay. think about what happened a year ago today. you probably can’t even remember. everything that seems important now won’t be anymore. things find a way of working themselves out. things aren’t as impossible as they seem. don’t think about how broken your heart is right now, don’t think about how things won’t work and how hard everything seems to always be. you have two moving feet and a heart that beats. use your feet and go find someone or something to make your heart happy. whatever happens is what is what is supposed to happen. maybe it won’t always work out, i can’t promise you that it will. but there is no reason to believe you won’t be okay. there is no reason to believe everything won’t work out.

it wasn’t that long, and it certainly wasn’t the kind of kiss you see in the movies these days. but it was wonderful in its own way. and all i can remember about the moment is that when our lips first touched, i knew the memory would last forever.


i wear my heart on my sleeve, but i’m not naive. i know what it feels like to be completely broken and i’m all too familiar with what it feels like to hurt. i know what it’s like to see something funny and not laugh. i’ve been taken advantage of and used. my feelings have been completely disregarded, but i still believe all people are good at heart, and my trust has not diminished. to be honest, i hope it never does


i miss that feeling when you go to sleep at night and when you wake up in the morning. it’s the feeling that everything is alright in the world. you know, that amazing feeling when you’re whole, that you’ve got everything you want, that you aren’t missing anything. sometimes when
i wake up, i get it for a moment. it lasts a few seconds, but then i remember what happened, and how nothing has been the same since.

"i love you." don’t say that. just don’t. because i’ll believe it. we’ll say all these cute things to each other, and i’ll go to bed smiling every night. we’ll have those “i love you more" fights. and then one day you’ll wake up, and decide that you don’t love me anymore; just like that, and take it all back


everyone has a certain part in their lives where they truly wish they could just freeze time. whether it was three years ago, today, or still to come. whether it was just a moment, a whole day, or a whole summer .everyone has a time in their life when they wish everything would just stop. the world would stop turning and people would stop changing because to them, at that time, everything was perfect.


sometimes i wonder if i’m too young or too inexperienced with relationships to know whatbeing in love is like. then, i hear your voice orsee your face and i fall in love all over again.perhapsi’m lucky to love so strong at an early age.don’t forget the songs that made you cry,or the ones that saved your life.


i see right through you, whether you believe it or not. i see the games and i definitely can feel the bullshit. i believe that you do care about me, and i think that you think you care about me more than you actually do. i think you’re tricking yourself into wanting me, because why’d it take so long? i might’ve changed, and i might not be the girl that you used to want, but apparently that isn’t stopping you. you saw a different side to me a year ago, but that side, i’m afraid to say, is gone. i’m not blaming this on you, i’m blaming it on myself, because i let you in. i didn’t know any better, and that’s my fault. but i’m okay now. i’m okay with saying ‘no, lets just be friends’ even though a part of me wishes you would have said all this two weeks ago, nothing is going to change. i don’t want it to change. i like how it is now



people are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. people talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. love hurts. feelings are disturbing. people are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. how can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? pain is meant to wake us up. people try to hide their pain. but they’re wrong. pain is something to carry, like a radio. you feel your strength in the experience of pain. it’s all in how you carry it. that’s what matters. pain is a feeling. your feelings are a part of you. your own reality. if you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. you should stand up for your right to feel your pain.


it’s hard to accept, but you can’t change the past. you can’t go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen. because life’d be meaningless and boring and just not worth living. but you can change the future and that’s a beautiful thing about life. yes, you will make mistakes. and yes, you will have bad days - but as long as you let the past go, you’ll have such a gorgeous and bright future ahead of you. knowing that things were meant to happen. knowing that each day you will learn something so that you keep growing to be a better person. life is like a rope, twined in all its complexities and yet weaved into one marvelous stream that you have the chance you use something amazing from. so grab hold of it.


before you can grow up, you must fall in love three times. once, you must fall in love with your best friend  ruining your friendship forever. this will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more. once you must fall in love you believe is perfect. you will learn that no one is perfect and that you should never be treated as anything less than you deserve. and once, you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. this will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be. and when you’re through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that needed you the most. but most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved

do you ever wonder? i mean about us, what happened? it was almost like our relationship was a piece of paper crumbled up and thrown away; forgotten. what might have happened if wedidn’t throw it away? maybe we would still be together or maybe not. or maybe secretly we haven’t thrown it away yet. we’re saving it because we’re hoping someday we can pull it out of our pockets and rekindle what we once had. or maybe it’s not even that we want it back, maybe it’s that we don’t want to lose what we had but at the same time, we know it’s already lost. i wonder that a lot and i wonder if you wonder sometimes too


I am searching for my future wife/soulmate. Please stop by again.