PERSONAL/LOVE: YOU ARE THE COMMON DENOMINATOR IN ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

I’m taking a long hard look at myself at the moment in a really self indulgent, Grey’s Anatomy/Shonda Rhimes kind of way. The kind of self-analysis that sends you spiralling into monologue-mode at your friends. 

Where is it all going wrong?

I don’t want to keep writing about how I feel let down by women. I’m equally anxious not to appear like a stuck-up, picky, well…moron. You’ve heard it said, “the common denominator in all of this is you…” Well, I’m looking at the man in the mirror and I’m asking him to change his ways. If that is the appropriate course of action, of course.

Reflections:
I seem to somehow choose/attract women who say one thing and do the opposite...when I feel like when I say something..i mean it.

I’m not alone in this experience. There’s never just one toxic relationship in our lives, and what they all have in common is us...yes I am repeating myself.. So, to an extent then, it means that it really isn’t them, and it really is us.

Now, before you shout at me, hear me out. I am not saying it was all your fault. But this is something that I know to be true about myself and my relationships

We get what we allow people to give. Some people do not like us and never will, and some people are of the opinion of “I like me, who do you like?”. The people who fall into these categories will either go out of their way to annoy and upset you, or will not care if their actions in their quest for world domination upset you. But the common denominator all the way through is you.

If you have one bad relationship after another, the only common denominator is YOU. Think about it.

It seems to me that if your marriage, your job, and your religion weren’t making you happy, MAYBE the common denominator is YOU! Maybe there is still something resonating in YOU to make YOU unhappy with everything else. It’s a bit scary that you are encouraging others to make the same choices you did.

I am sure most of you are saying, “of course I’m the common denominator.”

There are the obvious common denominators. I accepted a job that I knew I wouldn’t enjoy very much. I chose to marry the woman I did. And it was I who was still trying to follow a religion long after I had stopped believing in it.

But let’s forget about those surface truths for a moment.

There are the less obvious common denominators that were also all “me” which are much more important.

Over the course of my career, I fell in love with money. I fell in love with things. I grew to believe that my income and my possessions somehow made me a better human being than others.Over the course of my life, I came to believe that looks were more important than the heart when it came to women.

If I had written the post in such a way that I didn’t mention the ultimate decisions to leave or start over, but instead focused only on the common denominators, how would it have gone down?

Had I repeated those exact paragraphs above (about the less obvious common denominators) and asked you all what I should do, what would your answers for me have been? If you didn’t know that I was miserable at work, in my marriage, or in my religion, but only knew what I wrote in those  I’m serious… What would you tell me to do?

Call me crazy, but I’m guessing you’d tell me that those things are no way for anyone to live. You’d tell me it was obvious why I was struggling. You’d tell me to do what I needed to do to fix them. You’d encourage me to rip my life apart until I was shed of those demons. Those unhealthy ways of thinking and living.

I’m going out on a limb here, but I’m betting you’d probably tell me that I would never find true happiness until those things were all a part of my past.

Right?

Now, zoom out.

And what if the  things I told you were what I shared in that first paragraph. Here they are again.

I accepted a job that I knew I wouldn’t enjoy very much. I chose to marry the woman I did who later became my ex wife.

Are you starting to see a little bit of the problem we all face every single day?

We live in a world where people judge others on the surface denominators. People tell each other what they should be doing and shouldn’t be doing based purely on those surface visuals. People think that everything is so right and wrong because they see only those definable and extrinsic parts of the lives of others.

People are almost always incapable of seeing what lies beneath. They’re almost always incapable of seeing what causes such things. They’re almost always incapable of seeing how anybody really got to where they are.

And it isn’t just the world.

We ourselves are almost always only capable of seeing and not seeing the same things in ourselves.

When I got to the point in my life where I couldn’t hold anything together anymore, and I couldn’t figure out why, do you honestly think I had any idea that those sub-surface denominators existed or were problems? Do you think I had any clue where to even look for the problems?

In case you’re not sure, the answer is no. I had no clue and I was doing nothing that would ever lead me to figure it all out.

And my answer was always… more. More money. More gifts for my ex wife.  More. More. More. More. More. More. More.

Always more.

And everything in my life kept falling apart.

And that’s why, even when I’d pick up the pieces again, and again, and again, it would always fall back apart. It wouldn’t stay together. Because, you see, I would always put the pieces back exactly as they were before, certain that this time it just needed a little more glue or a little more this or a little more that.

Sigh.

Einstein once said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

In one of my post, I wrote, “your life falling apart is precisely what you need to be able to pick up the pieces and stack them differently this time around.”

It’s certainly what I needed.

I couldn’t see my love for money and the destruction that a love for money was until I lost a lot of it and I lost it all. Repeatedly.

I couldn’t see how i kept attracting the wrong partner over and over again until I was able to see that I was a common denominator in my failed relationships. Love can only fall apart on a person so many times before they can’t keep blaming everyone else.

My life had to fall apart. Completely. There was no other way for me.

It wouldn’t work to fail in just one area because as a human being it is too easy to hurry and plug that hole up with something else. It’s too easy to shove something into it that seems solid. Something that keeps us from feeling like failures. Something that masks the fact that a hole ever existed.

But, on the other hand, when the pieces are scattered before you and are broken beyond repair… it forces you to evaluate some things. It forces you to be introspective. It forces you to break down. And cry. And find your place in all of it.

And guess what. That’s a good thing.

So having discussed all that, if we shoot back over to Who’s Life is it Anyway, :

You already intrinsically know where happiness lies for you. You know whether you’ve literally given everything you have or not. You know whether you’ve made a big mistake earlier in life or not. You know whether you will ever truly believe certain things or not. Deep down, you already know all of that.

And these:

If you know you have depleted yourself of all energy and skill, and you have sought help and education, and you have done everything you could and you just can’t be happy…

Then do what you have to do to get there before you do something drastic to escape.

I wonder if those words will mean something slightly different to you now.

For me, I knew intrinsically that happiness could only exist if I changed something. I knew it could only exist if I really fixed something. And, most importantly I eventually knew that the only way to figure out what that something was, was to lose almost everything.

I knew I had given everything I had to make things better and to make them work. I also knew it wasn’t enough. I didn’t know why. Counseling couldn’t get me there because I carried my own serious need to not be at fault into the sessions with me.

I knew I had made big mistakes earlier in life to get to the point I was at. What I didn’t understand was how they were constantly defining me.

I knew I would never believe certain things. What I didn’t know was any life outside of it. I didn’t know what I would or could believe instead.

And a lot of you are experiencing it right now. A lot of you have already experienced the exact same things.

My life didn’t fall apart when I made the choices I made to end my marriage,

It had fallen apart (again) long before that. The world just didn’t know it because I hid it so well.

No, it was when I made all those choices, that I finally could start rebuilding a life I could be happy in. It was when I made all those choices, that I could finally begin down a path that was mine and only mine. It was when I made all those choices that I could finally feel alive. Those decisions were the beginning, not the end.

And as much as I was the common denominator, both on the surface and in the less apparent portions of my unhappiness, I was also the common denominator of what finally did bring me happiness.

I decided to end my marriage. I let go of my love for money. I ditched my attachment to things. I let go of the notion that affluence gave one man the ability to be better than another man.

I learned to find a balance between physical beauty and inner beauty with the women I date. Ilearned to love myself and my health. I finally have made the choice to get into shape and learn to dance and hopefully become the kind of man a good woman deserves.

I finally started living what I believe is right and wrong, no matter what others think.

So, yeah… I really am the common denominator.

And for the first time in my life, I actually understand that, and I am happy





PART 2

In mathematics, when the bottom number of a fraction is the same as the bottom number of another fraction it is called The Common Denominator. The fractions are different yet share this one equal counterpart. No matter what their value when divided and set as decimals, they will always have that one factor that connects them.

A common denominator also exits in relationships. If we look closely, it has always been there, penetrating each and every love affair, whether the romance was successful or not. We relive the same relationship over and over again. Every ex-significant other cheated or was emotionally unavailable or physically abusive. We settled for less. We sought to change our mates because we saw "potential." In the end, we repeat the same patterns. Different man and/or woman, same story. Different relationship, same cycle, and ultimately, same ending.

If an outside party has always lingered in your relationships or you're constantly in tears over a love, or whatever cycle you repeat, it is time to look within yourself. All the men and/or women you've dated have one thing in common: YOU. You are the thread that ties them together, no matter how many ways it's multiplied or divided. No matter how many times you try to blame and explain why the relationships have failed. The answer is always the same. You attract certain people into my life. You make the choice to let them love you…or not.

The Common Denominator is YOU.

So let us stop blaming others for our broken relationships and hearts and our unhealthy patterns. Instead, face yourself and your decision-making skills. Who we allow in our lives is a direct reflection of where we are at the time. If you work on you, The Common Denominator will morph into a positive number that is the sum of all our parts.


I honestly believe that you attract the energy that you put out.

Relationship patterns are glaringly obvious to outsiders but almost impossible to see when you’re in them. However, if you’ve experienced the “same situation, different face” syndrome for the past few relationships, it’s time to take a hard look at why these patterns exist.

And, what you can learn from them. Relationship patterns (really, any patterns) are marvelous gifts when you are able to identify the role of common denominator in all of the situations – you!

See if this story resonates with you:

Alex had several long-term relationships, both romantic and platonic, that had ended. For many years Alex believed that the relationships had ended simply because he and his partner had drifted apart (the same pattern happened in many of his friendships). He saw this as a sign that he was growing, and they were stagnating.

One day, though, Alex had an epiphany. He had been reading about the unconscious living out of childhood beliefs, and how a child’s story can live on throughout a person’s life. Somehow – he is not sure what caused this knowledge to enter his awareness – Alex realised that his childhood story was about liking to be alone; doing things alone; being the lone wolf, so to speak. He traced this childhood belief to being rejected by certain special playmates. His feelings of being excluded and unwanted caused him to build a protective shell around himself by declaring to others, “I like to be alone.”

Alex realised, with quite a shock, that he had been unconsciously living out the “I like to be alone” story in his relationships. HE was the one who unconsciously fell for unavailable women;Once he understood that he was acting out his childhood story, he began working on writing a new one. He made a conscious effort to be a better partner and a better friend by showing more interest in the other person, by making himself available, and by giving the love he desperately craved but unconsciously pushed away.

Alex realised, too, that he had unconsciously attracted the kinds of people who would help him keep his childhood story alive. Some of his friends were very demanding of his time, always inviting him to do things, and this would make him deeply uncomfortable to the point of withdrawing and making excuses why he couldn’t join in (after a while, the friends stopped inviting him).

One of the biggest challenges in breaking relationship patterns (aside from recognising them) is figuring out how to break them.




PART 3

Everyone is your mirror. This is the greatest of all relationships secrets and the only one you really need to understand to transform all your relationships. Here it is again - every single person in your life is your mirror. What this means is that others are simply reflecting parts of your own consciousness back to you, giving you an opportunity to really see yourself and ultimately to grow. The qualities you most admire in others are your own and the same goes for those qualities you dislike. To change anything in your relationships, be the change you want to see.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall..... Learn to recognise yourself in other people. Everything and everyone is your mirror. It is only when you understand what it truly means to see yourself reflected back at you, that there is no room for blame, there is no room for judgement and there is no room to feel like a victim of another person's actions or words. There is only room for real love based on understanding and gratitude. Compromise comes easy, forgiveness is a given and growth is inevitable. While this truth applies to all of your relationships, from your family, to your friends and colleagues, and even to those you deem your "enemy", it is your relationship with your significant other that enables you to take the closest, most accurate look at who you are.

 It is certainly no secret that all your intimate relationships tend to be similar. Surely you have noticed how the fundamentals seem to remain the same while only the face changes. The repetition of the same problems, the same feelings and the same insecurities often leave you despondent and even reluctant to try again. You surrender yourself to the belief that relationships are difficult and require much compromise and that the only relationship secret out there is luck, timing or even Divine Will. You can't help but notice how what starts off with such hope often ends with no hope at all.

What you perhaps haven't noticed though, is that in all these repetitive relationships there has always only been one common denominator - YOU. Whoever the person is that you have next to you, no matter how many times you change him or her, the fundamentals of your relationship will remain unchanged because they are simply mirroring you. It can be no other way. This realisation may frustrate you at first and you may even reject the truth that everyone is your mirror. However, you will quickly come to see it as great news because it means that you too can enjoy those loving relationships that previously seemed out of reach. To do so, the only person you need to influence is yourself.

What are You Really Seeing in the Mirror....to internalise this truth, that everyone is your mirror, you must first understand it. Your relationships with others are your opportunity to experience yourself and grow. They are a perfect mirror of your inner relationship with yourself and the beliefs you have acquired about life and love. Everything you admire in another person belongs to you and the same goes for all that which you dislike. In order for you to recognise a certain quality in another, then it must be part of your consciousness. You could not see it otherwise. Essentially, the bottom-line cause of break-ups and divorce, is when one or both of the partners can no longer stand to see themselves in the other person.

Your Beliefs are Staring You in the Face: Your beliefs about relationships, about men, about women, about love and life in general are all there for you to see in your relationships. We have all acquired certain beliefs throughout our lifetime that cause us to react and act in certain habitual ways that either support us or don't. This is most notable in our relationships because in order to experience anything or anyone you must first relate to it. For instance, if you believe that men or women are not to be trusted (no matter how trustworthy you are),  then by the Law of Attraction you will attract relationships in which a lack of trust is a major issue because that is where you have chosen to vibrate.

Every quality that you see in your partner, whether you admire it or not, is your mirror - it is showing you who you are. The more you dislike a certain quality, the more it is showing you a part of your consciousness that you are not acknowledging. For instance, if you dislike your partner's rigidity nature, you will find that you too are rigid perhaps not of him or her but of others. If your partner's negativity or insecurities get you down, you will find that you too have a negative nature and the same insecurities. The only reason that these qualities are annoying you is because they are also yours. As long as you do not acknowledge them as your own they will continue to frustrate you, while owning up to them provides you with the chance to grow.

When Positive Qualities Annoy You: Interestingly, you may find that even some positive qualities annoy you. For example, if your partner's overly kind and giving nature frustrates you, it is showing you that you too want to become more kind and giving but are resisting doing so. Alternatively, your partners' ability to forgive may make you uneasy. Instead of becoming frustrated, see it as an opportunity to learn forgiveness. This ties into why opposites appear to attract

 When your partner acts in a particular way that upsets you, you will find that you too act in the same way, most likely not towards him or her but towards yourself and probably others. The more a particular action frustrates you, the more it reflects a part of you that you are not owning. If your partner treats you with disrespect, look within yourself and see who you treat with similar disrespect, whether it be a friend, a family member or yourself. If your partner criticises you, you will find that you are critical of yourself and most probably of others. If your partner ignores your needs, you will find that you too ignore your own needs or those of others. Ultimately, you teach others how to treat you by how you treat yourself.

You may have heard that opposites attract and indeed this often appears to be the case. So how can relationships always be your mirror if opposites attract? The answer lies in the Law of Polarity that states that "everything is dual, everything has poles; everything has its pair of opposites; opposites are identical in nature, but different in degree". In other words, qualities that appear to be opposites are in fact two extremes of the same quality. For instance hot and cold may appear to be opposite but are varying degrees of that which we call temperature. The same applies to all human qualities and emotions.

You may find that the quality you see in your partner appears to be the opposite of your own quality, but in fact it is the same quality expressed in a different way. It is still your mirror. For example, the introvert attracts the extrovert, the weak attracts the strong, the giving attracts the taking. Such seemingly opposite partners attract each other so that they can learn from each other and bring their own extreme quality into balance. In order to attract your opposite, you yourself have to be at the other end of the spectrum and so are unbalanced as far as that quality is concerned. Simply put, opposites attract in search of balance. When none of your qualities are at either extreme of the spectrum, then you can no longer attract its opposite.


PART 4

Are you responsible for the energy you bring?

Do you ever notice yourself saying things like:

“They” drain my energy
“They” are so toxic
“They” should stop doing x
“They” are always so negative
“They” should support me more
What “they” need to do is x

It can be easy to notice where others “should” make changes, or what they are or are not doing or to label them as “toxic”. It’s also quite disempowering, as you can’t control the behaviour of others. You can only control your own behaviour.

I believe the people in our lives are a mirror.

What is their behaviour showing you about you?

I believe that every person and relationship into your life has been attracted to you, and either reflects something back to you, or has been invited in by your soul to help you learn specific lessons

Remember, noone can actually drain your energy, unless you let them.

YOU are responsible for your energy.

The first place to look when you’re not happy with the way others are treating you is at yourself.

How are YOU treating you? It might be that others are reflecting that back to you.

And you can choose to spend less time in the energy of others, or even call them on specific behaviours without having to give them a negative label.

It’s all about matching energy

I’ve written about the fact that your emotions have a vibration.

For me, one of the greatest failures of human beings is that we always search for a way to define people, to categorize them and give them a label. And within these categories, there are of course, “good” and “bad”.

To not categorize people as either positive or negative when we call them “good” or “bad”, I instead try to visualise them as frequencies that are either compatible or incompatible with mine.

I have simply decided to grab on to the compatible ones, those that help me and nourish my spirit, and I try not to focus on whatever steals my peace or decelerates the growth of my soul.

I am searching for my future wife/soulmate. Please stop by again.