PERSONAL/DATING/LOVE: DATING IS SO FUCKEN HARD

Online dating is such a difficult endeavor for men, even when you’re gorgeous like me.  If there’s no visual attraction right off the bat, it’s very difficult to spark attraction, unless the effort is made to meet in real life and on a regular basis to see if we can click from there.  Most women will not bother, partly because they get bombarded by prospects and hence have to find a way to quickly filter out undesirables, so only the top alphas of the alphas are going to make the cut (and sometimes not even.)  If you don’t look good and your profile is badly written and generic, it’s out with you.  And since I’m a dude and thus especially visually oriented, if the photos don’t depict even a mildly pretty girl, it doesn’t matter what their profile says, I quickly click on to the next profile.

Although sometimes I try to force myself to dig a little deeper, if a girl seems kinda cute, I’ll read their profiles to see if there’s anything that might offer the promise of chemistry:  similar interests, beliefs, personalities, etc..  This is where propinquity comes in.  The attraction is very meager, but with physical contact and compatible personalities something might eventually spark.
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Once I was out of college there was only the work place and the bar/social scene where one can regularly meet and interact with women and i don't really drink.  There are no single girls at my job, and I eschew the social scenes  for a variety of reasons, so the prospects of benefitting from a propinquity driven attraction were daunting indeed.  My life as a deep-seated introvert meant I’ve had to rely on the initial, immediate spark of attraction more than the average person would probably need to.

Via a combination of laziness and idealism, I let the fallacy of  believing that the right girl will simply love me for whom I am, and not based on how I looked or presented myself in public.  And I would still agree, BUT if I’m a complete stranger to her and I’m not giving her ANY incentive to get to know me better then it wouldn’t matter who I was.  I don’t need to be Don Juan, but I don’t have to go dousing any sexual appeal I had with a fire hose either.

I guess this means I can’t take anything for granted when I go out.  Even if it’s a midnight run to 7-11, I should still go looking my best, and not sporting say, a stained undershirt and lounge pants like I used to.  Or like I’ve seen some guys do, go out wearing SLIPPERS.  *face palm*  Although when I see that, I wonder if the competition isn’t nearly as bad as I think it is.

In the meantime I can try to find at least ONE social group or circle out there that I can participate in or whatnot  but ironically, I find that an even more daunting prospect than meeting a sweet girl by chance while squeezing my melons at the local supermarket.




PART 2

Single women who are older (30s, 40s) are generally less attractive than their younger counterparts.  I never say they have nothing to offer, or that they are not attractive at all, just less so compared to younger women.  And since there are trolls that like to come on here and tell me that I could never attract young women because I’m an old fogie or something, I think this is a fair point to make.

I think what happens is that for some women, they have this enormous checklist by which they evaluate men, and as they get older, rather than relax their standards a bit, they continue to peruse the same checklist, looking for that perfect man.  Then they become imbued with rage when they see high-value men near their age still dating women who are much younger, thus declaring all men shallow and not worthy of their spit.

It’s a catch-22 proposition though.  These perfect suitors they so desire will, by their very perceived perfection and “high market value”, be able to date much younger women.  Why date a 40 year old when you can still date a 25 year old just as easily?  The ones who can’t attract younger women just as easily will be the leftovers such older women STILL reject, because they’re fat, bald, stuck in dead-end jobs, etc.  Who’s being shallow again?

I reckon a lot of woman have checklist is a mile long, and includes such requirements that men might have no control over, such as their height.  But I’m the shallow one?

This is what bothers me.  It’s not that I don’t mind women disqualifying men based on things that could be considered shallow (such as the guy’s eye color or height.)  We all have our preferences and ideals.  It’s that they LIE about this, painting themselves as moral queens who insist they are attracted to men based on their virtues, whereas men use looks, (and ONLY looks) to evaluate suitable women.

Attraction and evaluation are two different things though (which I’ll get to in a bit).  When it comes to pure attraction, men are visually oriented.  Women can’t seem to abide by this, but it’s a scientific fact.  It’s how we’re wired.  Even worse, women may deny (in order to maintain their moral superiority complex) that they are not visually oriented, despite rejecting men who are short, have balding hair and a flabby body.  On top of this, society (as driven by feminism) perpetuates the lie that women are attracted to men based on virtue, being emotionally sensitive, and being respectful of women (which really means pedestalizing them and supplicating their every desire).  You know, the NICE GUY.  The real truth (in a nutshell) is that women are attracted to men who are strong and dominant.  A nice guy can be strong and dominant, but usually they unwittingly present themselves as being wussies, which is a major turnoff.  Showing how sensitive you are by bawling your eyes out watching Sleepless in Seattle does not attract women.  They are actually repulsed by this.  Yet because we’ve been told over and over that women are attracted to a man’s “heart” and the notion of being attracted to someone who projects masculine strength and leadership is sexist, this simple but suppressed truth flies over the head of many clueless men (including me as well.)

Attraction is something that in many respects is hard-wired into our being.  Women are attracted to masculine, strong and powerful men, whereas men are attracted to women who are feminine, submissive, soft and pretty.  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS.

Once we all start admitting to each other the reality of what attracts us to each other, we can finally move on to the issue of what we DO with that attraction.

For example, my standard for attraction is simple:   1) Is she pretty?  2) Does she have a pleasant personality?

But of course, that’s not enough to determine if she can make a suitable girlfriend/wife.  Ok, so yeah, she’s hot, BUT:  Is she, modest, kind, empathic and willing to put my interests ahead of hers?  And *ahem* is she a good cook?  ;-)

I love to use that line by the way, because nothing sets certain women off faster than asking them if they can cook.  Their attitude and response often tells me a lot about how they view men, and when they bristle at the idea of doing ANYTHING that might benefit a man (such as making him a nice lasagna) and launch into this screed about how women are strong and independent, I can consider her radioactive and steer clear.

I see this attitude all the time too, not directed at me so much, but to men in general.  There’s a sort of gynocentric trend in Western culture where such women feel put off at the very idea of behaving in ways that might please or benefit men.  The presumption is that this yields a one way relationship: it’s all about men and their needs, while a women’s needs are irrelevant.

So hence, when women read my posts about what I look for in a wife, their reaction is to create a false dichotomy by accusing me of wanting a Stepford wife who becomes my domestic slave, scrubbing toilets and whatnot.

Which is ironic, because I don’t like the idea of my wife scrubbing toilets anyway.  It sounds like a man’s job to me (anything that involves getting down and dirty, yep sounds like a man’s job.)  So when I use the word domestic, what comes to mind is a woman who can complement those areas that are major weaknesses of mine, such as interior decorating.  I wouldn’t know how to decorate a home if Martha Stewart took up residence in my brain and started directing me (when she’s not busy insider trading that is, tee hee).   Or being a smart shopper and working through the byzantine maze of coupons, reward points, etc. to maximize every dollar spent like a pro.  Or turning the backyard into a veritable garden of Eden with her gardening skills (whereas I have been known for my ability to murder cactus plants in the space of a week.)  And yes of course, being an excellent cook.  Women typically love this, and for proof you need not look further than Pinterest, which is predominantly driven by a female demographic.  What do you often see there?  Pictures of recipes, fashion, gardening, household related things, and of course, SHOES.

Now in regards to a woman’s standard for attraction, once you take away all the pretty lies, it’s almost quite as simple as my standard:  1) Is he strong?  2)  Is he dominant?

Women are attracted to those traits (and the many different ways they manifest themselves), but upon that initial attraction, if she follows the same process I do, she’ll also recognize that attraction alone doesn’t make a suitable mate.  Can he be a good provider?  Does he have excellent morals?  Does he demonstrate initiative and leadership?  Is he ambitious?  Does he have a good work ethic?  Will he put my needs and interests ahead of his own as well?

Where things get dicey is when women claim they are looking for equals and expect to be treated as equals, yet in reality they look for men who are willing to take charge in a relationship.  (In other words, their actions don’t line up with what they say.)  The following is an easy example of what women say they want, and what I believe women really want:

If a nice guy behaves according to what women assert they want from men, equality and “respect”, whereas, the nice guy (but one who is strong and dominant) takes CHARGE and commands the relationship.  I’m being hyperbolic of course, but this ability to take the initiative is what most women are highly attracted to.  It’s just one of the many ways a man can project masculine strength and evoke strong attraction in women.

Why exactly is this trait so attractive?  Because it’s not so much about women being submissive, but about a man lifting the burdens of decision-making from her shoulders.  Leadership is not a perk of life, it actually carries with it grave responsibilities and can be a huge cross to bear.  To carry that burden so she doesn’t have to is one of the ways a husband can honor his wife.

While it’s disconcerting to see women sometimes SCREECH at me on  about what a hatemonger I am.  I never expect it to be a one way proposition where she does everything for me and I do nothing for her, which is just silly.  I think the reason it comes across that way is because I’m constantly examining the worst traits of female behavior and pointing out what changes in behavior would be needed in order to make them more attractive to men in general (as well as me, personally).  I don’t delve much into what I need to change about myself, because I already know the answers.  I have faith in my capacity to truly love a wife the way she needs and deserves to be loved (a capacity that doesn’t come from within, but from God), yet I’m highly cynical that I’d ever meet a girl who isn’t so consumed with batting for Team Women, and is instead more interested in batting for Team Her Man. Not that they don’t exist, but that their numbers are small, and within that number meeting someone compatible with my personality and is even smaller.

Does it make me sad?  Sure.  But I’ve also been blessed to live a life free of the drama of settling for someone who sees me as a meal ticket (via alimony and child support) rather than as a husband.



PART 3

I think it all comes down to one simple truth. Each person has the right to choose a mate based on his or her own criteria. As long as you’re being honest to both yourself and the others you meet along the way, you should be able to choose whatever qualities are most attractive to you.. Your perfect mate is out there somewhere, and you have no need to defend the qualities you’re looking for.

As for me, I’m holding out for an intelligent woman who would enjoy being surrounded by books and movies and a loyal man who will always stand by her. Honestly, looks aren’t that important to me. They matter a little, of course, but the other qualities are much more important. Sense of humor is at the top of the list for me as well. Show me an intelligent, caring woman a good sense of humor, a larger than life book collection, and a love to cook, and I will gladly propose! *LOL*


I used to fall for that line as well, that women aren’t so hung up on looks, but after you see enough fat or bald or otherwise ugly men getting nuclearly rejected, it’s obvious looks matter just as much to women.

I’ll never forget the commercials I used to see where they sell hair coloring products to dye a man’s beard or mustache so he looks younger. They show the first scene where a guy with a gray beard gets rejected by a hot girl, then the second scene where he dyes his beard, and suddenly the hot girl is all over him. LOL So looks AND age is a factor. It is what it is.

A guy in his forties “with options” could go for a 40 year old, but because he’s an “alpha” he’s going to pull attraction from all kinds of women, so even if he’s older, he’ll still have the pick of the litter, and it’s unlikely he’ll pick someone his age. The best chance a woman has to marry and find a suitable man is during her most attractive years, but too many spend those years investing in careers and completely blowing off men, thinking they’ll be just as attractive in their 30s as they were in their 20s, but when they find they don’t nearly draw men the way they used to, well, they go cray cray with rage and bitterness. It’s another reason why it’s good to marry early, and when you’re in an environment where you’re surrounded by tons of single men.

If I had known the desolation that would be the dating market once I left college, I would have asked every girl out in every class until I found someone. But hey, back then I thought I had all the time in the world. Ugh. See, it’s not just women who fall into that mental trap. :-P



PART 4

I always thought being a nice guy, showing chivalry and maturity, giving girls flowers, being romantic, etc. attracted women, but it doesn’t. They kept insisting that this is what attracts them to men, so I kept doing it, and yet still continued to see women fall for the worst elements on earth. Are they just being immature? Yes, but it’s more than that, and once I understood, I finally realized there was an inherent logic to seeing them fall for the biker dude or the guy who just got out of prison after all, and no longer took it personally. What I didn’t understand before is all those things that I did that women told me they loved is not what sexually attracts women. They may find these things ADMIRABLE, but it does NOT sexually attract them. I had to ALREADY be attractive to a girl for things like maturity, romance and so on to really pay off in a relationship. They are important to building a long lasting marriage, but they don’t induce attraction. And how can I build a relationship if I can’t even attract anyone?

I agree that women do like maturity, and that the smart ones make this a huge qualifier when seeking a good husband, but maturity doesn’t sexually attract a woman to a man either. You see how I’m making a distinction here? There’s sexual attraction, and then there are those ingredients that make a long lasting relationship.

Going back to the age thing, women who are younger have a higher sexual allure than older women do. Decent men will still gravitate to younger women in general because it’s a biological impulse, but as you alluded, some of them will just throw up their hands in frustration when the younger ones continue to prove themselves as immature, self absorbed, etc., and thus obviously wouldn’t make good wives, so they date older women, (so long as they still find such women sexually attractive).

I believe attraction creates a spark, and from that you can potentially get a relationship going. At some point the bond of a relationship starts to supersede the physical bond of sexual attraction, so even when looks fade, the two are just as drawn to each other as they were at the beginning of their relationship. But this is something that takes time to build (years even).




PART 5

I think too many women can’t understand how they can achieve happiness by making their men happy. Feminism is misandry at its core, it’s not about equality or egalitarian roles but about emasculating and denigrating men, and they can deny this until they’re blue in the face but it doesn’t change the reality. I was accused of insecurity before, I think the real insecurity is being demonstrated by women who are terrified of the notion that by letting a man take the lead or a headship role in a relationship/marriage they somehow lose their identity. This is why a marriage can never truly be a cohesive unit of one when such a mentality exists.

Once a girl is beholden to me, I’m responsible for her life and her happiness. That’s a huge burden to carry and it means making sacrifices where I must consider her (and whatever family we have) ahead of my own interests. Women who absorb the harmful facets of feminism just don’t feel they need to make a similar sacrifice in return, because nearly anything that could be construed as an act that would benefit a man is regarded as sexism and chauvinism.