THOUGHTS: THE NEED TO PLEASE OTHER

This need to please other people causes us to have life-style that are not satisfying and to remain in relationship that are not supportive. You see, if I run my life on the basis of what you think of me, I destroy my own self, my essence, even the God within that can allow me to be loving, healthy, abundant and fully self-expressed. To the degree that I live my life in an effort to please other, I chip away at myself. If I focus my energies on pleasing other people, my life will be less magnificent that it can be. If, in the effort to please, I allow other's ideas to control everything I do, my life will be one of constant confusion and dissatifcation.

One reader...sent me this the other day:

Last night I found your page while I was surfin and suddenly your poems and great articles and stories came up, I could not stop reading them and even the nude pictures I thought were a nice touch, however when I reopen the link today I saw cartoons that left me speechless, who are you for real a sex maniatic or a romantic guy? What is the main goal of your postings. Are you very hurt and trying to express your anger in a sexual way? Is your page a porno stop or a love corner?

This reader...couldn't understand that a man could be both bad and good at the same time. A hopeless romantic and a pervert.

Each time another expresses an opinion about me. I have two choices. I can either take the view of another and use it to reinforce negative mental patterns I already have, of I can use this information to get rid of that which I do not want. If I choose the latter, I have the opportunity to grow, to improve, in any area of my life--my job, my relationship, my health.

You see, to the degree that we can take a really good look at ourselves and see ourselves objectively and lovingly, we are able to participate more fully in this life. Most of us can see ourselves to a certain degree, but often our objective and loving view of ourselves is very narrow, particuarly if we rely on others for conformation of how we see ourselves.

It is absolutely imperative that each of us learn to love himself or herself.I am not talking about an ego trip or indulgence in pride. I'm talking about the universal truth that each of su is an individualized expression of GOD. And God doesn't make junk. It is only out of this objective self-love that we are able to love our neighbors, to tell the truth about what we want, and to experience life at its fullest.

Unfortunately, too often we look to other people to give us what we think we need and waste a lot of time trying to get what we want from them. We become self-obsessed, and the result is that we never feel really okay about ourselves. We judge ourselves constantly, and our verdict is usually guilty.

In fact, our relationship with other people provide a tremendous opportunity. If we are open to the feedback from people, we can learn great turth about ourselves. But being open to feedback is completely different from plugging into others for our good. We plug in when we hunger and thirst for their approval. But when we love ourselves and are able to be sincere with ourselves, we can look at what others say and decide, objectively,if it has any value or truth in it for us. The objective opening up realse our own potential and our ability to participate more fully in every area of life. Being objective, of course, is not easy, but we can learn.

Now there is a great difference between taking a objective view of what others think of us and allowing them to dump their own insecurities and fears upon us. Certainly, people can and need to express themselves to you, but you don't have to agree. Unhappily, we tend to plug into their hangups and their ideas of how life and our behavior should be. Sure, everyone has a point of view, doubts and expections, and that's all it is--their. We tend to take it personally, to make it ours,and to feel the need to defend and make excuses. In doing so, we lose our objectivity. Just remember that, when other seek to dump theif insecurities on you, what they saying is simply a reflection of where they are.

You aren't learning to love yourself: you're relearning it. You are remembering it, remembering that each person comes from Godand is therefore good. But we forget that fact and mislead ourselves into all kinds of confused and harmful behaviors. Let's look at a person and see what really goes on. You may use yourself as an example; we are all alike, and once you understand you, you will understand others. So we start with a typical day, waking up and getting out of bed. Along with putting on your clothes, you also put on the person you are every morning. You put on your personality, your act for the day. You then go out and play your role in life.

Put simply, the time has come to stop basing your self-image on what others think. Every time you allow your life to run by other's wishes, you give up some more of yourself. We come into the world alone and die alone. This is a paradox because we are surrounded by people, and at the spiritual core we are all one. But because we can only feel what we feel and do what we do, we are, in various ways,alone. There is no way another can live your life; nor can you live the life of another. No matter how much I depend upon you for my answers,I stil must make my own decision.

Recalls the time you felt alone in the middle of a crowd. If you felt this separateness as pain, it was because you were not comfortable and loving with yourself. Instead your mind was preoccupied with "What will they think of me?" , "Will I find someone I know?", "Why do I feel so all alone?" In those circumstance, you had lost contact with the universal force; and when the happen, we forgot who we truly are. That's why we feel pain.

To assuage the pain, we think it is necessary to gain others' approval. From this mistakes need, we change our act, hoping that someone ...just anyone...will approve and befriend us so that we won't feel alone. We overlook the fact that---and there is the paradox again--we are, on the ultimate spirtual level, never alone. We are part of the one, the whole, and always connected with everything that is. Our trouble begin when we lose consciousness of this fact.

People never cease to be amazed when I tell them that they, as individual, are the final authorities on everything in their lives. After all, who else can be the expert on your life? Who else can say what you feel and say what you want? You have, within yourself, all of the answers, and that is why you must learn to take charge of, and take full responsiblity for, yourself. There is no other person, no place, no system, no philosophy, no church, no organization that know more about you than you do.

Have you given up living because of what "they" would say about they way you lived? If you have, you sold yourself down the river, and it's time to stop doing that. There is a simple formula that will enable you to live any life-style you choose. And it works, if you are ready for it. Here it is:
As long as that which you do is ethical,as long as you do not want to hurt, steal, or take from another person, then the life-style you choose has to be good.

I know that I am in charge of my life. I accept that I am my own best friend and the real authority on my own life. That does not mean that I don't love and support others, or that I won't listen to what they have to say to and about me. I know that I can learn from others, but I refuse to be other dump their negativism on me.