FAN: QUESTIONS FROM MY READER

I'm in a bit of a confused state right now - I am a female with severe commitment phobia. It's hard, because I'm fairly attractive and normal, so I end up hurting a lot of men. Since I'm what I consider a nice person, this really bothers me. Over the past two years, I've rejected about half a dozen perfectly normal guys that I found some reason or another not to be with (the most recent being this morning...what prompted me to finally look for advice). At first, I thought I was just picky, but now I know it has to be more. Especially because of something I've realized over the last year. I have the habit of falling in love with one of my best friends..it's happened twice. I don't have the desire to date them, in fact get scared if it even looks like it will head that way, but am relatively miserable at the same time when the feelings aren't returned. All of my close friends tell me that I fall for the ones that I know won't be interested, in order to avoid having to commit to anything.

I'm not scared of the physical aspects of a relationship and most of the time really like the guys that are asking me out. I even tend to be a flirt, attracting this male attention. And to top it off, I really do want a solid relationship. So am I just afraid of this or am I a masochistic, emotionally challenged freak?!?Any advice, please??


QUESTION #2:
I am a 21 year old female who just realized she had a severe case of commitment phobia. I don't know what's wrong with me but whenever I start to think about being in a relationship (even a casual one) it freaks me out. I can get myself so worked up and freaked out that my stomach ends up in knots and I feel like I need to throw up. It gets to the point where I get so nervous that I don't even want to hang out with guy anymore.

I don't know where or when this developed for me. No couple in my family has ever been divorced and all of my relatives are happily married. I had a Walt Disney life. In high school I would have done anything to be in a relationship but I guess that now I've been single for so long I just cannot commit. I've met several great guys who have told me they would like to date me and I've tried to make it work. I usually enter into the relationship half-heartedly and end up finding a reason to leave. It kills me to have to hurt these guys and I end up feeling terrible but I just can't handle the idea of a commitment... What is even crazier is that I do want to get married and have a family one day.


But yeah, I hope that helped someone out... Thanks for letting me share!


QUESTION #3:

my fault that the people I have dated have all been either too emotionally dependant or not emotionally dependant enough or too wrapped up in their own life or too wrapped up in mine or too eager to please or too interested in money or not ambitious enough or drink too much or didn't drink at all (yes that is correct, I didn't like someone because they were tee-total!!) or they went out too often or they didn't go out often enough or they were too tall or their head was too big and didn't look right on their shoulders (weird I know, but seriously this guy had a really big head, unusually big in my opinion) or they talked too much or they didn't talk enough or they were too tactile.............basically the list is endless, and believe me I have used every single one of these reasons, and more, to split up with guys I have dated over the past ten years.

What gets me though is that I am completely serious about these. To me they aren't excuses, they are facts. I am not secretly fearing something and so using these as an excuse. I really do mean it. These guys are all lovely and great but soon start to irritate me with these little things. So much so, that the attraction for them goes, and all i can see is these annoying little habbits. I always thought that this just meant that I wasn't suited to these guys and so I never worried, as there must be guys out there that won't annoy me, I just haven't met any yet.

I am now petrified that once i read your blog I saw that I am afraid of commitment. It was like reading a page of my life. What i really don't understand is why i would have a fear of commitment. I had a happy childhood as far as I'm concerned, I haven't had any major upsets in my life. I have a healthy social circle and a good enough job that pays the bills and gives me spending money. I am basically pretty happy, I have just never found love with an appropriate guy. I have been in love though. I was so desperately in love with one guy, but he didn't want to have relationship with me though as he was already with someone else - another classic symptom of commitment phobia - liking guys that are unattainable (this happens to me quite regularly). Does this then mean that I am destined to spend my life only ever wanting men i cannot have and not wanting the ones in front of me? This would lead to a pretty unhappy and unfulfilled life - surely?

So what if I am commitmentphobic? What then? There doesn't seem to be a cure for it. It doesn't even have a real name like agoraphobia or xenophobia. Is it even a recognised condition by your bog-standard therapists that live down the street, that have been in the profession for years?

I'm not saying I don't think it exists and we are making it up, as I think it is something quite serious and I don't speak for everyone, but I am certainly extremely concerned. I don't want to end up a lonely old spinster woman but I cannot seem to change my habits. I cannot force myself to continue to like people, even though I can now recognise that it was me pushing them away. My head says this to me. But my heart loses its attraction and once that is gone, what else is there? Should I stay with someone in the hope that it will come back after it's gone. I can't see me doing this. I basically cannot see a way out of this. It's too hard. I'm commitmentphobic, I know this, I know that it is because of this that I do not find a man attractive for any period longer than a few weeks. Knowing this doesn't change the cycle, it still continues. I still continue to lose the attraction. I still continue to finish the relationship after a few weeks because they are now annoying me, even though i know it is my fault and not theirs, but what can you do about it. Nothing - surely, if you don't like someone, you don't like them - and there isn't anything that they or I can do about it - it's just fact. Maybe I should just remain single for a while in the hope that it passes.

I think I'm just going to cling on to the theory that I am not commitmentphobic, I just haven't met someone I like enough to be with for more than a couple of months - at least this gives me hope. Being commitmentphobic leaves me with no hope at all as there is apparently not much that can be done except to grin and bear it - great!!(note the sarcasm)


QUESTION #4
I have had numerous relationships in my life the two most recent ones lasted for 5 and 4 years. I suffered Anxiety in both of these relationships when "pressure" was put on me for something more. I do have to say that i lived with both of these women, did a lot with them but never felt that desire to get married. I was always looking for that "greener Pasture" Both of them decided to move out because they wanted to marry me. i pretty much let them go and remained friends with them afterwards. One took a long time to get to that point of friendship but we did..

Now to the relationship that stirred up CONSTANT anxiety and doubts and all of the i "wonders". the, is she right, is she too young, is she too bubbly i mean all those things that commment phobic do to rationalize getting out. I pushed and pulled and pulled and pushed her into my life and back out again and she finally said "enough" that she could not do the back and forth thing anymore and she needed to move on and live her life.

Well i have been devastated ever since. I know i loved her more then anyone i have ever seen and i wanted to be with her soooo bad and it scared me to the point of having panic and anxiety attacks because i wanted to commit but couldn't. The biggest difference with her is she wanted me to "date" her. commit to what all of us consider regular dating. going out, going to each others houses making plans all of that. and with my previous relationships we went at my speed, did things when i wanted to do them and the next thing you know we were living together. and then i would go and find someone more fun or interesting at work and cheat on them and lose interest.

But with the new gal i never wanted to cheat, i never wanted anything to do with other women. i was sexually fulfilled and so attracted to her "when my mind was not anxious" of course i never considered being with anyone else. But to the problem. when SHE wanted time and when SHE wanted sex etc.. i got anxious, I got scared because she wanted that "commitment" from me and i was not able to give it unless it was on my terms or my idea.

How does it get fixed??? Where are the success stories?? I want/need to know it can work and be better. I want that relationship that develops into a marriage and kids and growing old together. i know i have issues from my parents getting divorced and the one time i got engaged and she changed her mind. but does it get better. can i heal or whatever and become a person that can have a relationship that works?

Her and I talked at a few points and she realized i am scared of commitment. I want to send her links and stories to show her what commitment phobic is and to show her why i was the way i was and hope she wants me back and will give us and me another chance but the minute i think about that and the fact it means i will be committing to her and to make it work i get anxious. Ain't that a bitch!!

I know i need to get over this relationship and hope that in time and with counseling i can get better and the next relationship works out and i find that person. but it does not take away from the sadness and the feelings of loss for her and how i blew it because i was too scared and screwed up.



MY ANSWER:

Most of you are like the dog who chases the car but has no earthly idea what to do with it once he catches up to it.

Commitment phobia has many causes. Often, people who fear close relationships sustained a childhood trauma associated with abandonment, such as the death of a parent or the divorce of parents after which one left home. The child surmises that if he or she loves somebody, that person will leave. That child stays with us all of our lives and speaks to us even in adulthood, having us fear that if we fall in love and devote ourselves to someone they will eventually disappear from our lives.

Others fear having their entire being totally engulfed by another person, losing their identity in the beloved. Loss of freedom and options is another reason. Many subscribe to the "better deal theory," thinking no matter who they are with there is a better deal out there. And yes, they are absolutely correct. No matter who you fall in love with, there IS someone better out there somewhere. You can better deal yourself right to the grave moving from one person to the other. Rational people eventually pick someone to love, commit to them, and discontinue further search.

You do things with friends because initially they are comfortable to you because you really don't think you will fall for them in a romantic way. Being around a buddy is safe. But you cannot control your longing for love. It happens...and the fear goes up your spine. You will always yearn for the unattainable...or the safe person...as long as you have this problem.

Most people say "I'm really scared to be in a relationship. Every time I see my partner in pain or needing something, I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I'm in a prison, that I'm being smothered - and I just have to get out of the relationship as fast as possible." This response is common among those who experience love as denial of one's own needs in order to attend to the needs of the beloved. In the early days of a relationship, partners typically relate joyfully and compassionately to each other out of a sense of freedom. Eventually however, as the relationship becomes "serious," partners may begin to assume responsibility for each other's feelings.

It is amazing the stress you can put on your mind when someone loves you. it can almost make you feel guilty if you cant live up to what your partner is feeling towards you. it is like this. and i will use myself as and example. i knew she loved me and i was the love of her life. we connected sexually and emotionally but i felt like i could never live up to this image she had of me. her love was too much to handle. it put so much pressure on me to feel all these things back. and maybe just maybe what i was able to give is all i am capable of.

The very desire to be 'all I've ever wanted to be is perfect. And loved. Preferably by as many people as possible. ' is kind of egocentric/narcissistic - if you expect perfection in yourself it kinda follows that you'll look for it in partners aswell - and a relationship HAS to be founded on commitment, acceptance of faults, and forgiveness. I suspect you have egocentric tendencies as if you were fully narcissistic then self-examination would be nigh-on impossible, but it's an avenue to explore, and would likely lead to commitmentphobia.

You could seek counselling but therapists are rarely able turn this syndrome around, even if they get to the core issues that got a person there. Perhaps long term therapy could help but it would be hard work and tedious and you would have to secure a very competent psychotherapist to help you.