THOUGHTS:THIS URGE TO FUCK

I have this fascination with self (only subtly leading to fascination with MYself). All this stuff about meaning and worth, and ultimate goals comes from our mortality. There is another experience that brings me to the same place that internalizing your own future, impending death does. This other experience is a bit hard to describe. It is more along the lines of that “Eureka” moment when suddenly the answer is apparent without the language to describe it. It is this weird introspective moment where you realize that the only reason you have a thought is because you have a body and that it had a beginning and will have an end. Everything in between is an experience felt and understood by physical processes that we identify as our self.


This makes just as much sense to see other people and realize that they are just the same, and then everything always comes back to yourself. Ultimately all the confusion and discussion comes down to you. I look at myself in the mirror, my full body in the closet door mirror, and that is when I see me as best I can like everyone else does. I see me without the thoughts, words, emotions, etc. going at the same time. That’s how we see each other. This is not altogether correct, but I mean to separate the experience of how you see yourself and how others see you. In reality, we all judge emotions and attitudes based on perceived information. And once you’ve got a hold of your own physical, biological, psychological existence you start applying it what you think of life and the future. I think about what spending most of a day working means. I think about what spending my free time means. I think about what my relationships with people mean. I think about what I want and what I have planned. When I realize that I am going to die and that I’m just a mush of flesh like everyone else, all wrapped up with emotions and desires, I see that fear is pointless in a lot of situations. I wonder if you are free to think this way if you are bound to religion. I have been religion-free for about 7 years now, not counting the transition period of uncertainty. Does any of this perspective help me?

In a large way, and I’m steadily chipping away at where it all comes from, I feel like one of the most important drives for me is finding the right woman (there is a bit of irony in that). With that goal, one day, well in motion, the other drives take on new meaning. My goddamn childhood has made me the introvert that is often so internal that it is more inclined to want than to actually acquire. This greatly applies to women (my want of) and emotions (my handling of). So I’ve always got to ask, “What the hell am I doing?” Perhaps I should also answer the question, “What kind of woman is the right woman, and what kind is wrong?” This kind of question is supposed to be answered through experience but I’m the introvert. Would I work well with a woman that has questioned life like I have? Would I work well with a woman that hasn’t but is capable of understanding to a fairly respectable extent? I think the later is what I should aim for because being too similar in that way could be aggravating at some point. The person that I am, though, means that too much thought occurs before the approach. If I’m talking to you, you made it evident that you want me to talk to you, or I’m fairly drunk and ‘light on my feet’ so to speak. I’m no good with uncertainty and speaking with an attractive woman for that very reason is as uncertain as it gets. “Hello, I want to hug and kiss you in the future, and a little later, but not too much later, I want to do things to you that you’d hesitate telling anyone about. But trust me, I’m the best man in this room and I’ll love you to no end. I want a friendship like only a man and woman can have. And one day I want to be doing things to you that you’d hesitate telling anyone about. I want to experience life with you. But I’m talking to you right now because I’d have no problem fucking you right now. Of course if you said you would fuck me right now, I’d turn you down because I wouldn’t want to be with a girl that does that…well, maybe just a BJ…well…uh…” Ehh, you see? What a mess. And there is much more dialogue—monologue, whatever—that goes into deciding how to approach a cute girl.

Jumping along the tangent to the curve, here, I asked myself what this physicality idea has to do with men and women as groups. Mainly, I was looking at the fact that women look, dress, act, and represent certain things that I have a hard time accepting as meaningful or integral (is that the correct word for part of integrity?). The example that always gets me thinking along these lines is modeling or being a trophy babe. I was watching a show on Fuel TV (I can’t stand TV but Fuel is full day of cool shit [as opposed to the big steaming pile of shit that most of TV is]) and the hostess was labeled and indeed wearing a shirt that said ‘token hottie’ or something along that line. I thought to myself, “I sure as hell wouldn’t do that.” She’s content at being looked at for being sexually appealing. But what’s worse is that the appeal is not due to some godly fortune of perfect human form. No, it is because guys are driven by their hard-ons like no other drive in the world. I’ve heard the male sex drive being explained in a way that females can understand in the following way. When a guy sees, or even thinks about sex, or is even reminding of it in the simplest way, the urge is there and must be satisfied. This urge can be understood by women by understanding the drive to eat. When you are hungry only eating can satisfy it. For women, they want sex, granted. But they don’t get the urge to have sex by merely the suggestion of the idea or seeing a man. Sure, it happens, but that is not their nature. A man sees a woman (not just any woman—there are boundaries) or something suggestive and the drive for sex is a hunger that drives action. A man and a woman could be looking at a ‘tasteful’ nude photograph and the woman would agree, “She’s very sexy and even sexually suggestive”, but the man would be frothing at the mouth to get his hands on her. So how does this relate to what I was saying earlier? Well, I want to criticize women for showing their stuff off and using it to their advantage, but it makes more sense to understand why things are that way. I want to have sex with her. She doesn’t want to have sex with me (it doesn’t mean she wouldn’t, but that’s how the game is played) but her attractiveness means that people treat her in ways that feel good and allow her to put less effort into things that, say, I think are important. This is way oversimplified but the point is to get at the fact that women are built to attract men and men are built to pursue them at any cost. Does this mean the ‘token hottie’ is acceptable? I don’t think so because it is different than the model decorating the sports car. When you are being told that, “We don’t really need you for anything but showing your body off” and you accept the job by putting on a shirt that says “I’m only worth my tits and ass”, it really makes it hard to feel any sense of worth. It’s exploitation as opposed to esthetics or art. I get art. I get beauty for the sake of it. I even get sexuality as art. It is the motivation and meaning that makes the difference.