When we change, everything around us appears to change. People seem different, places don't look the same, things don't feel they way they used to. Of cource, nothing else has actually has changed. As Thoreau said, "Things do not change, we change" We are seeing throught different eyes, experiencing things through a different frequency. We have changed frequenies; our mind and heart have been reprogrammed, and our old way of operation feels awkard, or simply no longer work.
You know when I was with Melissa and Maria...I thought maybe:
Maybe I can tolerate being mistreated by Melissa because the sex was so great...and she will eventually love me
Maybe if i was more patient with Maria...we would still be together.
If I had tried harder, maybe my relationship wouldn't have failed
How can it right for me to move forward when it is hurting soemone else so much?
We attempt to convince ourselves that we're simply making compromises, being flexible, and that we're not really going backward, even thought it may seem that way. It never works, this blacksliding. We cannot pretrend to be who we no longer are. We cannot pretrend not to know what we now know. We cannot make compromise with our soul.
These are the voices of gulit and self-reproach. When we mourn the loss of the life we thought we would have or even the one we did, we often hear these voice like a relentless, wailing chorus in the background of our awareness. These are not loving voices, not are they helpful ones. There purpose is to make us feel worse than we already do.
In this way, gulit is like quicksand, pulling us down into a place of self-recrimination from which it is difficult to escape. We decide that we are not allowed to move forward in our lives until we don'g feel guilty anymore. But the more we indulge in our guilt, the more it grows and soon we cannot move at all, and we don't understand why. Guilt is very convenient place to hide out from the things we need to confront. After all, as long as we fel guilty, we have an excuse to avoid facing the consequences of our revelation, breakthroughs and wake-up calls, and can put off the risks involved in making decision about how to move forward.
We spend our time on earth dying and being reborn, over and over and over again. In a few seconds that it took you to read this one sentence, for instance, a part of you has died....two millions cells in your body die each second. Every few years and Dr. Deepok said in his book ...all the cells in your body are totally replaced. You are literally not the same peson you were before. Your body has died and been reborn, and you didn't even notice.
Just like your body has little death...so does everything else. There are little death that happens imperceptibly over time....old childhood dreams are discarded, friendship fade....school are left behind..obessions and interests are tossed out, people we once knew are forgotten, parts of us we battled are conquered, problems that once consumed us vanish. We sense these departures, but do not stop even to wave good bye.
How do you want to live every moment is the key question.,,we die a little each time we hold ourselves back from being our authentic self. We die a little each time when we refuse to heed the calling of our heart that is yearning for love, for intimacy, for sex.
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