It's morning. You are lying in bed, suddenly wide awake, even though you don't have to get up yet. You would like to sleep some more, but you are too restless and agitated--the awareness of all you have to do today stirred you out of your slumber and is impossible to ignore. You feel overwhelmed just thinking about the multitude of tasks waiting for your attention....How am i going to get through the day without becoming too distressed? These are the kind of thoughts running through your mind as you toss and turn, hoping that someho you will miraculously drift back into dreamland, but no, you are too anxious to relax. Whether you like it or not, it is time to get up.
Many of us approach unpleasant or challenging reality by tuning them out. Like a unwelcome visitor, truth knocks on the door or our awareness, attempting to reach us, to wake us, to invite us out of places in whch we've hidden, to reveal new pathway and new direction. We know the truth is there, but we don't answer. We panic, We freeze up. We hide, hoping either if we ignore whatever is trying to get our attention for long enough, it will go away. If human being are stubborn, then the truth is more stubborn. It will knock again and again,,and again..until we cannot ignore it anymore and forced to get the message.
People are startled by the unexpected, cornered by the truth, or joleted by a wake-up call in their lives---they are nagery that they've been ripped from their comfortable state of existance and forced to pay attention to something they's rather not deal with. They feel attacked, and so they attack back. Intense anger is a common reaction to intense fear. We don't realize how much of life force we've been using not to see, not to feel and not to know....until we stop doing it. Then suddenly we are flooded with waves of strength, vitality and optimism. This is what happen when we connect to spirit. We see things as they are....accept the reality of life.....but we turn off.....become numb, flat, and disconnected. Sometimes it is quiet despair, borm of the unspoken knowledge of all that we have cut ourselves off from. Sometimes it is a cynical despair, scolding us that it is too late for happiness, too late for change. Sometimes it is despair disguised as ange or blame, and sometimes it isn't disguised at all...and we experience sadness..which I am feeling now.
When you say to yourself...I don't want to deal with this...you not only cut yourself out from someone or something....you cut yourself off from your own life force, from the source of love, power and wisdom inside you. You may think that by turning away from what is unpleasant you are protection yourself...but this is not true.
For all the courage I have shown in my life, there have been as many moments when I've kept silent out of fear. For all the love I feel for myself, there have been as many moments when I've allowed others to treat me without kindness. For all the vision and clarity I possess, there have been as many moments when , hoping to avoid conflict and loss, I have closed my eyes to the truth. And for as much as I fought to always to keep my heart open, I , too confess to have turned off---not for long, but for long enough to look back and mourn every lost hours that i spent in sacrfice.
It is clear to me now, that my most agonizing suffering has all had its source in me. No lover's lies or dishonesty has been more devastating than my own refusal to honor what I knew to be true in my heart. ...I remember reading this story...by Katherine Anne Porter called the Theft. In it she tells the compelling story of woman who for all of her life has completely turned off own needs, giving pieces of herself away to one man after another. In the final moment of the story..when a stolen purse is returned to her, the woman comtemplates her life and her losses and realizes that she feels robbed, not by the purse snatcher,,but by her own decision to ignore the longing within herself ....In one line...she said, "It was right not to be afraid of my thief but myself, who will end by leaving me nothing". God...reading it again and writing it down....reminds me of how many times I spend time trying to protecting myself from hurt and loss, worrying about what other people could do to me or take from me ...when the fact is the thief who is the most likely to steal was me.
I am going to be honest here...These past months...i sense a loss of desire. The problem is me. My doctor said that I am healthy...so it in my mind. I am starting to feel numb and disconnected and I had no idea why....Utimately it is the heart, and not the body that is the source of all true passion. I guess I have been so discourage and like the movie...BEFORE SUNSET ...Celine said...why put any effort when in the end...it won't work. I remember once with Joanne....before she met me...she told me she felt that she was going numb. Now I know how she feels. The woman out there are just horrible. I try to be honest. I state what i want. I try to be kind and caring....but it all end up with a big disappointment. They are either living to far from me, or they won't commit, they are not sexual enough, not kind enough. It just getting to me. I want to just go fuck without commitment....have fun...but my soul won't let me.
There is part of me...that wants someone to give me the answer to life's problem...to point me to right direction, to tell me how to find and believe again.
There is quote that i love so much:
"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin----real life---but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life"
-Alfred D'Souza
No comments:
Post a Comment