THOUGHTS: THE SHAME

Do you ever have the following thoughts over and over: "I am defective", "I am stupid", "I am unlovable" and " I am bad"?  The child receiving emotional abuse receives one or more deficiency messages from the shaming parents, such as:

1. "You are no good" which tells the child she is bad.
2. "You are not good enough" which tells the child she would be acceptable if she would do a little more; however, no matter what the child does, she never receives parental approval.
3. "You don't belong" which tells the child that she is not a member of the family because she is different in some unacceptable way.
4. "You are not lovable" which tells the child that she is not worthy of being loved and grows up believing no one could ever love her.
5. "You should not exist" which tells the child that she is nothing and not worthy of living, and grows up experiencing an inner sense of emptiness.

As a result of these shaming messages, a shame-based person internalizes a negative core belief which states, "I am bad regardless what I do, even if what I do appears good." 
Consequently, the shamed-base person reacts to the inner felt defectiveness in a number of dysfunctional ways, such as:

1. Paralysis in which the individual is unable to start or complete a project.
2. Escapism in which the individual wants to withdraw from others.
3. Perfectionism in which the individual believes she will be acceptable only if she never makes a mistake.
4. Criticism in which the individual becomes highly critical of herself and others.