THOUGHTS: MARRY FOR CHEMISTRY IS NOT WISE

You can’t help what you’re attracted to. You like certain people because they’re hot, or whatever it is that turns you on.

But you can acknowledge that those individual you’re attracted to aren’t always good long-term relationship partners. You can acknowledge that attraction can be blinding and allow you to overlook a person’s flaws for way too long. You can acknowledge that attraction isn’t either a ‘10’ or a ‘1’—that it's usually something in between. And you can acknowledge that an addiction to  hot, aloof, and inaccessible individual isn’t really working.

If 95 percent of your life is spent on matters that are neither ‘brainy’ nor ‘sexy,’ wouldn’t it make sense to find a partner who is compatible in all the other areas? Rather than finding the hottest person imaginable who doesn’t want to see your mother, doesn’t want to raise a family together? I think so. Naturally, you have to find your partner attractive and intelligent, but that doesn’t have to be the most attractive for you to have a very happy life together.

I’ve long advocated for putting compatibility first, instead of making chemistry or looks the most important factor in your decision-making. Because, as you know, you can get the , hottest, tallest, richest guy in the world…and you’ll most likely discover that he’s a selfish narcissist who’s just not that into you. Thus, there is wisdom in compromising on looks and chemistry in order to find the happiness that has eluded you when you exalt “attraction” above all.

My recipe for a strong, healthy relationship, it might look like this: 3 Cups kindness, 3 Cups of keeing your word, 2 Cups shared goals; 2 Cups compatibility, 1 Tablespoon love, 1 teaspoon attraction (optional!). (Of course a relationship has many more ingredients than this but you get the idea).

Romantic love is a kind of madness. It's been studied at UCSF (the University of California, San Francisco). Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist and author of Why Him? Why Her?: Finding Real Love By Understanding Your Personality Type, has completed a wealth of research on this topic.

They have scanned people who are in love and found that the"chemistry state"state doesn't really last more than 18 to 24 months. It's a fallacy that we should expect that chemistry, that kind of intense ardor, to continue. So, since we've been sold that idea, five years down the line when your husband says, or you say, "I want out because I'm not in love with you anymore," our society legitimizes that as a reason to get out.

But divorce is very costly, and women don't recognize that, as they age, they're less marketable on the marriage market. They're less marketable in the work market, and maybe they should make that first decision not based on something as transient. Why are we basing our future on this?

There’s a leap of faith that you have to make in any relationship. You make this leap of faith based on trust and character, not based on attraction or wealth. You make this leap of faith when you’ve found your best friend, someone who makes you laugh, who has your back, who values the same things in life, and, yes, who is on the same page sexually. But most importantly, you make this leap of faith when you find the person who allows you to be yourself, to let down your guard, to feel safe.

Keep chasing partners who don’t make you feel safe, and you’ll always find yourself getting hurt. Please don’t think your partner has to leave you breathless. The ones who leave you breathless—as you already know—tend to be the ones who leave. Just consider the relative importance of a chiseled jawline and a Masters degree versus the ability to love you unconditionally and the desire to make you happy. I think it’s clear what should win out.