JOURNAL: MAYBE GOD KNOW BETTER THAN ME

You know how you can sometimes have one of these psychological dreams where your subconscious is trying to tell you something about yourself that you get so upset in the dream that you wake up and can’t get back to sleep until you resolve whatever the conflict is inside of you? Well… I had one of those dreams last night. Elton John once wrote “What do I gotta do to make you want me? What do I gotta do to be heard?” in his song “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word.” I’ve been thinking about THE DREAM that I’ve been wishing for, I can’t help but feel like I should just give up on this dream…the whole “family of my own” dream. Let me explain why… I feel like I am still a child chasing after someone hoping that they will love me, only to realize that the reality is they are not in the picture, nor are you in their picture. You don’t have a life together, you’re both just somewhere in the same movie frame, just not in the same story line where there is a connection between those two characters. It’s when you take a hard look at the whole reality of the picture and you stop hoping for something that never came…you just stop caring anymore. As I sit here writing this, I keep thinking about Paulo Coelho’s “The Fifth Mountain.” It’s the story of Elijah, the prophet. When God and his angels delivered a prophecy to Elijah, they didn’t always turn out how Elijah thought they would…but they did come to complete fruition. Elijah went through so much torment in life, but they were all lessons to be learned later on in life. They were all designed to lead him on his path, to give him the will to be stronger and prepared for the things to come later in life. When God gave him a vision or even a prophecy…everything came true. The question really was, “What does it all mean?” Elijah’s gift had some harsh realities attached to it. He carried the weight of a lot of pain and loss, but God took care of him all throughout his journeys, even when he challenged a Queen and her gods. Elijah doubted God. He doubted him all of the time. He doubted that any of the prophecies would come true…but they did. They just didn’t always turn out the way he thought it would. Even when God shows him things clearly, there’s still hope that maybe, just maybe it will turn out better. It never does. The trick in prophecies is understanding what they truly mean in the grand scheme of things. Maybe because God has his own plans and knows how it all turns out that we shouldn’t try to hope or wrap our heads around what it all means in the end. It would save us from going bat crazy. Why? Because if whatever is supposed to happen, happens…it’ll happen. I’m just not going to hope for anything, because it’s fruitless. Hope is like worrying…there’s no reason to do either.