March 4, 1991
Monday
It this very hard to believe in yourself and to let go of the fear and that you had for such a long time. To have fun and let things happen for what they may and to let go of yourself and feel good about it. So many things and so many people wanting things from you-your love, respect, attention, and loyalty. Things are always testing you, testing you for strength. See if you can handle problems and know how to solve them. No one has the perfect life that we all seek. We all seek an illusion.
The strength comes from controlling your mind and you emotion. The fear and doubt that come with the unknown of the future and of an unknown path that you never took. It is hard to find friends that you can be close too. Or even friends that are nice to you and look at the good within you.
It is hard for me to like myself and believe that I can do the things that I do. Fear set in and then doubt and then I am a nervous wreck.
Aloneness is a killer. loneliness of the heart hurt more than anything. You realize how empty you life is without someone to share it with. Is this temporary or is it here to stay.
I had the board to worry about. Medicine, Surgery, residence. All are in my mind this day. As this is my second time in surgery, I am more comfortable and at ease with myself. It is all a matter of time to see where my path with school will end.
March 5, 1991
Tuesday
There is a need in every one of us to be needed or more likely to be appreciated by others. To some people it come easy, to other like me it is hard. There seems to be an inborn needed people to pick and make fun of others. The need to make themselves feel better and higher. I don't know why people don't like me. I just know that the problem is me, and not other people. Because I am not so much a threat to people they think it is safe to pick on me. Maybe it is because I am small and skinny. I just don't know. Maybe is is genetic because everyone in our family has the same problem. But to be lucky and successful in life, you have a large group of friends who know you and care. There is hope if I learn to go outside myself and give myself to other and not be so selfish and shy. Rob called me and it made me feel good about myself. Being too nice is bad also, for people think you are a wimp.
Today I didn't go to school because I need to study for the board. I realized there is a large task for me to do.
I didn't go out, but I realized that the more I go out and see people, the more relaxed I am. The more I feel that I am
wanted. School is hard. So is life. You just gotta handed it as it come I just.
March 17, 1991
Sunday
A day after the new year party, a party I go to every year. This time was special. I made contact with a doctor that will help me get a resident program. This 18 y.o. girl was all over me . It made me feel good about myself that she found me attractive. She gave me attention that no one ever gives me and it makes me feel good about myself. Everything I said was funny to her. But like always, my parents dislike the father and I couldn't even get her number. She was rich, attractive and young. Everything I wanted. My parents hate the father and there goes my social life. I don't even know why I even ask their permission to get her number. I'm 24 and still ask my parents who I should go out with. I will never get anyone hanging around with my family.
Dennis came with Sam. she seems to enjoy herself. I really enjoyed myself this time. I dance the Persian way and the girl asks me to dance. I could see that some lady
found me attractive. Camero was there also. There must be a way to straight this over influence my parent has over
me. My Surgery exam is on Wednesday and I'm worried,even though it is my second time. My medicine exam that I took I think I did well, but the question is now, how well. Did I get the 82 i needed.
April 2, 1991
Tuesday
I came back from my vacation of 1 week to California and I did enjoy that place. The place was warm and there were beautiful blonde wherever I looked. The girl were friendlier
than here. I really want to go back and live there. But maybe the grass is not greener on the other side. Sheva and Newsha made me think of Haleh and me. Just like Newsha, Haleh would follow and do whatever I did. Somewhere along the way I lost her. These two children are so aware of everything and it seems that they have more knowledge than me when I was there age. They were always playing and never tired. I guess if work is fun, it is never tiring. I have the memory of me buying Sheva ice cream by the ice cream truck. Fabari had such a great house and the temperature was always warm.
One night when me and Fabrhood went out, we talk about life and everything. He gave me some things to think about
like. Americans guys have to work 25% to get a girl, but we have to work 85%. Girls go where they feel comfortable, to others of their own kind. To get a girl, you have make here
comfortable and open yourself up to here to her trust. You shouldn't ask questions about them, because they do not know you well enough to answer them. Being shy is good for Iranian, but being shy in America is a handicap. I have been brought up more Iranian than I realize. I have to be aggressive in
getting a girl and after I get her comfortable then be shy.
He told me I have things against me and that you shouldn't
put yourself down for it. I am in the conflict of two customs one Iranian, the other American. I really don't know who I am.
Then there was Robin, the waitress. I still have her
body in my mind. I wished I jumped her bone. I think she found me attractive also. Then there was the girl in the beach, she had such a great body.
I have one more year of school, if I finish everything in time. I got my surgery result back-74. I am still waiting for the result in medicine. The day after I came home I was in the O.R. for 6 hours, and then today I had two
case in a row. I did watch an implant by Dr. Jules. These past few days made me feel like I have an exciting lifestyle.
I made me feel alive. One day in California the next in surgery. Today is 13 days after the new year, I planted the grass like I do every year and wished for passing this year and medicine and finding a residence.
5/26/91 Sunday
I passed medicine and surgery, but I failed the board.
These past few weeks I have increase in self-confidence even more. I now carpool with Denness and she just broke up with
her boyfriend. I find myself thinking about her more and more. The more I fight myself, the more I think about her.
Maybe it's my need to be loved that makes me feel this way or may I am just plain horny. I don't know what I will do, but I now I must do something before I really lose it. I saw Rich last night, things seem to change. It seems more cold than ever. He had a fight with Tony over a stupid movie-
Hudson Hawk.
I took an Orthopedic. exam the Friday just passed. I failed, it was an essay format. I felt really depressed and I don't want to feel this way. This coming year seem to be a
stressful year. The shit will hit the fan. I do feel more isolated from my family than ever. My Dad, Mom just seem that they don't care about me. You really know when you grow up when the only person who really cares for you is
yourself.
July 3, 1991
Wednesday
My parents went to Calif. and I am home alone. It as been the best time I ever had. No one to tell me what to do or when. Freedom is really a good thing. Dennis and I don't carpool anymore. I accused her of giving my note to
people and made this hard for her. She is so cold and without feeling. She only look at what she can get out of you. I think about asking her out, I don't know if this will cause a chain reaction similar to Valerie. What I feel now is confused. Should I tell her how I feel.
Will she get hooked on me and use me and make me feel like shit.
This freedom of when to eat, sleep, I can do anything I want to do now and it feels great. My board are coming up again and I have been studying. Hopefully I will
pass this time. You try to change yourself and fail and try again and still fail. I'm trying to get an answer from the outside, a book, a girl. I have to STOP BEING SO NEGATIVE.
August 21,1991
Wednesday
I made it to my senior year just a week and a half ago. I really felt good about it. I thought I would never see the day this happened, but it did. A couple of times I was really close in losing it all. I am now just worrying about my board score, which should be out soon. Right now, I am in senior G.P. and they sent me to Bergen Pine Hosp., It is a totally different experience. I saw a patient who was a journalist who is in his first stage in Parkinson Dx. I saw a patient who thought he was Bruce Lee. Then I saw a patient who since the age of ten has Freidberg Dx. Those things that were just word had face and people in them. This one patient started to cry like she was asking why me. It is scary to see six doctors staring at you.
What really amazed me is my understanding of what the medical students are talking about. I really felt like a doctor. I guess I will never be happy with what I got.
With the world new, just on Monday, there was a coup attempt on Russia, which took me by surprise. We were also hit by a hurricane Bob on the same day. I did know about the coup because I was more worried about getting and coming back home with my new sense of direction. I thought there would be a civil war, no such thing happens. The coup collapsed just today. I can't believe I am living in a time like this. Anything is possible. Even me becoming a doctor and becoming famous actor and writer.
2/3/92
Monday
It has been a year since my last writing, and a lot of things have happened. The USSR is no more. I passed Surgery, found a resident and took my boards. Today is my birthday and It is becoming less and less special. The house is being redone and my mother is sick like always. I had a good month when I'm not with my mother and myself. I have grown in knowledge and in confidence. 1992 has started well for me.
3/17/92 Tuesday
A week before Persian new year and two months before graduation. I felt depressed today because I was talking with Sonya who is from puerto Rictio and she made me realize how alone I was. When I look into eyes with her contact, I felt really connect with her and thought about how it would feel to sleep with her. She told me she was a virgin, which was a shock and then I thought about all the other girls in my life. I am so fucked up that it is not funny. There are about 4 billion people on this planet and I can not connect to any one.
I should try to be more quiet and censor my thoughts. True is not always good. You tell people everything about yourself and you tell them, rather show them your weakness which they will use against you.
3/19/92 Thursday
I am so mad at myself and my fear of getting too close to any girl. I am so pissed that I can not ask a girl out because of my ego and fear of rejection. I am a 25 year old and I still can not be comfortable with a girl. My problem stem from sex. My personality has a large percent of if to be sexuality. I don't get it and I am thinking everyone does get some. It feel good if someone look at you a sexual way. No girl really look at me that way. My sexual frustration turn to anger and depression and I look into myself thinking that there is something wrong with me and I do believe it. This makes me feel bad about myself and deepen my own depression. Why are these girls don't find me attractive? Am I such a loser in their eyes? When they look at me do they see just a skinny kid? I begin to doubt my own self and my ability and develop this failure attitude.
I begin to believe that no girl find me attractive and I don't put myself in a situation with a girl. I am 25 and I have very few real relationships with girl even though I really love them. I have dreamed about girls since I was Ashland
place. Since I wasn't such a good student I concentrate most of my energy in studying and almost nothing with every else. I alway thought I would be special, I realize I am just one of many in this planet. I have all the opportunity in this life and I let them slip away from me. This computer is my release to my thoughts. I really thought have anyone that I can really trust. Most of my writing is related to sex. I am so negative, I am so self. I am so lazy. I live my life through the screen on the T.V. My sexual frustration is my problem. My problem stems from here. It is the core of my problem with others and myself.
4/7/92
Tuesday
Thinking about things in my head, helps me challenge my belief and those things that i believe and with this conflict I changed my behavior. I feel more control and confidence in my life now than I have ever been in a long time. My last entry has helped me alot and with understanding and question behavior to see things more clearly than ever.
My fear of getting lost stem from an incident in childhood I thought I forgot,but realize that it is from there. I fear getting lost because I fear not seeing my family again. A fear that I still hold in my childhood period. Now as an adult, I realize that I know where I live and with so emergency money in my car, I should never fear getting lost when taking a new adventure.
My fear with girls stem in my fear with rejection:
-I think that it will be the end of my world if a girl says no to me. (I will still be alive if she say no)
-I think her boyfriend would beat me up because I came on to his girlfriend(I would say I am sorry & that I didn't know and if I did get beaten up what the hell)
-I think ever one is waiting and watching me fail and the girl say no to me which is such a stupid thing. So what if she tells her friend that I tried and failed. It doesn't mean that I am a loser.
I had a psychic read my hand when i went to Atlantic City couple of week ago. She told me of a girl that I loved and let go. She told me of a curse on me by two strong figure in my life. They don't want me to have sex. I was meant to have girls in my life . I love to be outside and the girl who I will marry will have long black hair and is very skinny. She also stated that I will be well off in my career. I bought a crystal from her mother and she said that things will change.
Wednesday
May 6, 1992
About 14 more days left before I become a doctor. I really thought this day would never happen. It was a long road from childhood to get to this point. But I did it.
I am right now in Saint Barb. for my second week and yesterday I witnessed an amputation of the leg BL on a patient.
the impact of seeing that hit me hard. I was just a few feet away from a person who had her leg cut off. One of those sights that will live with for a long time. I made me realize how lucky I am.
I was in florida about 2 week ago. My main reason was to see the daughter of my father's friend. Although I didn't I came upon a book that I think has helped me alot. Sometimes you have to be ready for a book to work. This book-Beyond Success & Failure made me realize what I was doing to myself, comparing myself and the result from this.
I compare myself with people and making myself look bad and low depressed.
Monday
May 11, 1992
I lied to myself saying that I was honest and believe in the truth when I was telling myself and others that I am into money. I do believe in love and money is not the most important thing to me. Family is. I say it so often that I almost believe the lies. Maybe being negative is a way to get people's attention, to make people feel sorry for me. My way of making them like me. But in being negative and telling people I believe in money I only repel the thing I mostly want---feeling wanted & having friends. My negative attitude stems from my lack of self-esteem. I really don't believe people like me. If you want friends, you have to make an effort, you can't just don't do anything. If you want a girlfriend, you have to do something about it. My friend Pat Williams woke me up.
Today I witnessed the birth of a child(boy) in a car at St. Barbaras. Life and Death are two of the same thing.
May 21, 1992
Thursday
Yesterday I became a doctor. A road that was long and I almost didn't make it. I almost didn't want to continue after the first year. The forteller was right about it in Stonybrook. I sat in the front of Lincoln Center in the center of the stage and listen to all the speakers. Dr. Spock's speech on grades hit me. My grades were never great, but without opportunity and chances I would not be here, where I am today. I have accomplished one of my goals last night.
As I was graduating, another man was being executed. An innocent man, I don't know. Tonight I was listening to John F. Kennedy Jr. and his sister about their father. I wouldn't want to change place with them and have no father.
Johnny Carrson's last show is tomorrow.
My mother tells me that I am below a lawyer and makes me feel bad about myself on a day that she should be proud of me, she is not. I don't want her approval or love anymore. Nothing will ever make her really love me and appreciate me and make me feel good about myself. If I hang around with her, she will make me depressed about myself again and I don't want that. I just want her to say sorry to me. That is all I want
June 17, 1992
Wednesday
You can't do things half-heartedly and hope things will turn out the way you want. I want a girl, yet I don't want to work for it. I want a girl, but my fear of rejection and
pain stops me. I have to be honest with myself--I hate my sister. She will be a M.D. and I will be nothing. She has always taken advantage of my weakness. I hate her for being too hard of a worker and I hate myself for being an easy quieter.
I start my residency in a couple of days and I am so afraid of everything.
July 3,1992
Friday
Into my second week in my residency my fear were for nothing. I was so afraid and didn't have confidence in myself and when I was actually there doing what I had to do, I was afraid. The feeling of fear is more powerful than the actual thing. I have grown more in confidence with myself these past two week than in a long time.
I was at my sister's graduation last Saturday 6/27 and can't believe that only eight years ago I was were my sister was. How life was simpler then. I had no idea at that time in my life that I would be doing podiatry, the fun I would have in college. Carol look good, she is going to make some guy very happy. I wonder where all my other classmates are from RHS. I was hoping that I would be famous by now that they would feel like shit for putting me down when I was there. I just I have to finish podiatry before doing that.
I take my lower in a couple of days I hope that I pass that. I NEED A GIRL!
7/31/92
Friday
Already into my first month in my residency and I have gained more confidence in myself than I ever did in a long time. Dr. Rampino is some character. He likes to play with your nerves. There is a girl at work that I find attract and will attempt to ask out. She has some body.
Goal:
1-To be physically fit and have a normal weight and have
muscle.
2-To be a famous writer and actor on T.V.
3-To be married to a beautiful and an attractive,rich lady.
4-To be famous and want by everyone
5-To have a money of 100 million dollars
Personal Problem:
1-negative about everything in life
2-not willing to sacrifice your time and anything for a
friend
3-not enough self-confidence
4-not enough of patiences
5-not enough energy to do things
6-not thinking logically
7-blaming everything on everybody else
8-afraid of new things
9-want everything now, demanding that the world give you
want you want for no work
Plan:
1-Wake up at 5:00am and exercise
2-read a positive quote and repeat it every day
3-pray Bid
4-start giving more of yourself and not expecting anything
back
5-Don't talk to much and accept things rather than fighting
them
6-start drinking coffee and have some energy
7-creative imagination every night
8-believe in yourself
9-take a chances in people
9/19/92
Saturday
This week has been a roller coaster ride. I had a date with Sherri, a beautiful and sexy secretary where I work and on Friday, she cancel the date because she wanted to try again with her boyfriend. I was really hurt. She would rather spend time with an elevator mech. than with a doctor.
I still feel hurt. She has such a body. I was really proud of myself that I would have this girl in my arm. I was close, but no cigar. It really pisses me off.
I had a patient who husband I talk to and on that same day he died of MI. It just comes to show that life is precious and you can leave this plane any minute.I should learn to value my life.
I am being to hate the residency program now. Being on call and Dr. Rampino breathing down my neck. I can't take it anymore. I don't know if I should apply to law school or try my hand on a Sx slot for next year.
10/17/92
Saturday
It is about a week away from my intreview for Sx in school. I still don't know if I want it. A new girl entered my life--her name is Karen. She is a very attractive young lady. She is so nice. The only problem is that she has a 5 year old son and is in the process of separation. I already had a fight with my parent with her. I think they don't know anything. They say that she is a MAN-Trap. But she is the first girl in a long time that I feel good about and really want. I really like her and I want to know if that she may be the right girl for me. I hope they don't mess it
up like they did with Valerie.
11/3/92
Tuesday
Today is election day and the day I lost Karen to her husband. Outside look gloomy and I feel like shit. She lied to me in a big way. I was really into her and everything about her. I would have gave her everything she ever wanted. She used me and used my emotions. I feel so lonely
_11/26/92 2:00pm
Thursday
WHO EVER LOVED, THAT LOVED NOT AT FIRST SIGHT?
It lies not in our power to love or hate,
For will in us is overruled by fate.
When two are stripped, long ere the course begin,
We wish that one should lose, the other win;
And one especially do we affect
Of two gold ingots, like in each respect:
The reason no man knows;let is suffice
What we behold is censured by our eyes.
Where both deliberate, the love is slight:
Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?
By Christopher Marlow
(from Hero and Leander)
Dear Karen,
A poet once said I must be happy because I did not see the bare, cold present, but lived in a beautiful dream. I do live in a beautiful dream. A dream of you and me. And I guess that's all it ever was.
Life here in Coney Island is more cruel than death. Sometimes I wish the barrier and obstacle that stood in my way would melt. But day and night in pain I am reminded that they will not.
The talk we had on Wednesday before Thanksgiving really
struck a chord with me. Those three words-"What's the use?" burned in my mind that night. Everytime you open up to me
(even if it was crack), a minute later you would say to me-"What's the use?". And everytime I open up to you, you would say the same thing-"What's the use?". I wanted to reach out through the phone and grab you to tell you "There is a use!" It does matter. I really care for you. I.....I.....love you. (even though I know you don't think it's possible--it is)
_ As I lay in bed reflecting and crying on the past two months, one thing is certain:Nothing. Nothing is ever certain. And I held in there with you and my dream. Like the excerpt written above we have nothing to do with whom we fall in love with.
I felt like a tiny drop lost in an ocean of time. And that night I ask myself questions that I cannot answer.And It is a tough thing everyday to watch you being sad and disintegrate right in front of my eyes, and there is nothing that I can do. I find my heart aching and tears flows from my eyes. You tell me you made a mistake. You tell me that he doesn't appreciate you. You tell me you don't find him attractive. You tell me that you have outgrown him. You can't even name one thing you like about him. You even know that he may be fooling around behind your back. All these things gave me hope. Hope that soon you will leave. If I didn't feel the way I do toward you, I would have been long gone. It should show you what I really feel for you. It not that I can't get other girls, I have access to them. It's you. You will keep on messing your life all the time until you follow your heart and not just your guilt. You will keep on messing your life until you have the guts to free yourself from the jail you send yourself to. And yet with all your misery, distress, and suffering you stay with him. Your husband has such a strong control over you. You have so many disadvantage in one side and very few advantage. I kept asking why then is she staying? Is she afraid? Is she lying? Is she lonely? Does she like to be treated badly? Or is it to go back and finish the marriage that should have ended two years ago? I don't know. I do know that what you tell me is really true, your marriage will not last. The question is can I hang around and wait and suffer in my heart until that time comes.
There are four words that keeps me trying for you. An excerpt from Maud Muller by John Whittier. He writes "...Of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these:
It might have been!" I would never forgive myself feeling the way I do not to keep trying. And I tried, Karen.
I really did. I only wished that you tried as hard as I did. I'm so tired, Karen. I'm so sad. And when the morning finally came, I came to the realization that I am not as strong and as wise as I had thought. And so my dream died that night and part of me with it.
Tell me what am I supposed to do,Karen. I want to call you and I can't. I want to take you out and show you how special you are, and I can't. I want to hold you and I can't. I want you and I can't have you. I am being selfish. I want you to leave him and give us a chance and I know you won't. Tell me what am I supposed to do,please. Because I don't have the answer. I don't have the answers to anything anymore.
_ The reason I am writing this letter is because I don't have the heart to say not to call me to you in person, Karen. It's so hard. My heart is uncontrolled and passionate, my tongue will not say the words that come to my lips to you, they just fall back into my heart like unshed tears.
I told you once, life can change in seconds. My life changed when I first saw you. I may have expressed outside of being tough to patients and certain people, but deep inside I am a human being just afraid of getting hurt. And I became apathetic. I was numb to the world. I didn't let things in. And you came along and torn down the walls. I began to live again. I will never forget you,Karen. I just hope you will never forget me. (I guess I am becoming one of a string of guys to you). You made me realize that to live means taking chances even if you get hurt. I will never forget your eyes, smile, laugh, and your inner beauty.
And as I am writing this, my heart is experiencing such great sorrow. Karen, it's like entering a cave----- I am overwhelmed by darkness,loneliness, and sadness. If only you use the courage and strength you have inside of you can I be saved.
I often wonder why good-bye, even for a short time are depressing with you,Karen. I guess it is the recalling of moments with you on the phone and here in the hospital. I will never forget your stories and hours on the phone. I will truly miss them. There are few pleasures that I will carry with me out of here.
Karen, your love is special. No one can buy your love or force it. Make your husband earn it. He is blind. He doesn't know what hidden treasure he has already. He doesn't know that love is based on a strong foundation of respect and truth, and grows little by little with tiny acts of kindness holding it firmly and only then can love live forever. He doesn't know that sex is just a passionate interest in another body. While love is a passionate interest in another personality. Sex craves satisfaction, but loves craves fulfillment. You can force a person to have sex, but you can never force a person to love. You can buy sex, but you can't buy love. It has no price. Sex may be completely physical. Love must have roots. Sex is most satisfying when it comes as an expression of true love.
Forgive him if he does not know this. For one day he will.
Perhaps you will never see me again after December, and maybe our life's path may never cross, but the influence you had on will live on, Karen. I just want you to know that.
Life is a gleam of time between two eternities.(all the aeons of time before we were born and awoke to present consciousness and the aeons of time after we are dead, when _our spirit sink again to sleep) Use the time you have Karen, don't be depressed. You are your worst enemy. All of us are sometimes captured by some idea or situation, and put ourselves behind bars. We feel locked in. There are many ways of getting out. There is a way out, the problem is that you don't want to see it. You have the key and no one else does. Use it. Just like the picture below, what could you be saying to yourself that is holding you there.
-"I don't want to get out."
-"I don't see a way out"
-"I can't get out"
If you think and believe you can't get out- you can't
_Dear Karen,
The world seemed to turn on love-movies, songs, poems, stories-everyone talks,sings, and believe in love. A king may well give up a kingdom for it; a girl may run away from home to find it, and a man may roam the earth to find it. Love is an important
Sometime we confuse love with money, with sex, or with the way a person looks.Sometime we want the thing that we can't have. Love seems confused and misunderstood But I know love when I feel it. And I am not confused. I am in touch with my feelings,you should know that. All the times I wrote or spoke to you came from my heart and nowhere else.
My truth in life lies in my heart. It has always been there.
The story of The Little Prince (by Saint Exupery)relate my love that I have toward you. And maybe if I go over the story, you will understand why I feel the way I do.
The story concerns a small boy who lives on a star. He has nobody or nothing on the star except a great baobab tree and a couple of volcanoes. He's a very delicate, sensitive, wondrous boy. For instance, he loves sunsets (like I do)
because they're both beautiful and a little sad. Because the planet is so tiny, every time he moves his chair, he can see another sunset, and so he can see as many as forty-four sunsets a day.
One day a little seed comes, and he watches it grow into a rose. He watches intently as it blossoms and become a gorgeous flower. He has never seen a rose,and along with becoming beautiful, the flower becomes very vain ( as sometimes beautiful things are) She loves herself, and she says,"Protect me from the sun", and "Protect me from the wind", and she is literally driving him mad until finally he decides that he doesn't understand her at all. He leaves he and flies down to other planets to gain wisdom by finding out about love, life and about people. He encounters some pretty strange things.
On earth among others, he meets a very wise individual, a fox, and the little fox says to the little princes,"Tame me ". The little prince says, "Well, I don't know what that means. What does it mean to be tamed" And the fox tells him how to form relationships with people, how to get into people, how to care.The little prince says,"If I tame you,remember that I can't stay with you very long. I've got to go away". And the fox replies, "Indeed, when you do, I'm going to be very sad, I'm going to cry." The prince asked,"Why on earth would you want me to tame you if it is going to cause you pain?" And the fox said,"It's because of the color or the wheat fields". And the prince says."I don't understand."
_
....I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is said. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat...
And so they began the ritual of taming, which is the
beautiful ritual of getting into each other. I would like you to read the next page about what the fox finally says to the little prince after the little prince has been his friend for a long time and finally must go away......
_ Do you understand? Karen. Only with my heart do I see what invisible inside of you. And what's inside is so beautiful. So much love and strength. I just keep wishing that one day you will see what I see in you.
And as hard as it was for you to leave your husband for Muhaumm., how hard it was for me to tell you I love you. What good did it do. What I longed for and what I see are two different things. There is no room in your heart for me. And that's a shame. Because I would have gave you the world. I would have made you forget all about your husband and Muhumm. I would have made you a queen. I could have been the prince that would have taken care of you. All this was my hope. But you never gave me a chance. You gave Muhumm. a chance, you gave your husband a chance and you gave me hope. Hope that I now feel are ashes.
And I keep trying with my words to wake you up. But all I hear is Muhumm. this... Muhumm that....Gasper this ...Gasper that. Do you know what that does to me. I thought I had to fight the feeling you have for your husband, I guess I fight against those feelings you have toward Muhummed. also. And I see I am losing. And I'm not blaming you for anything. You can't help but feel the way you do and I can't help myself to feel this way.
I know that if Muhummed. ask you to go back with him in about a month-You will. And I can't get you to do anything for me. It kills me. I just know what I feel, I know nothing else. And I wish that you would be part of my life. It's not everyday I really open to people and tell them how I feel. Don't look back and wish that you had taken a chance on me when I am not there anymore. I could have been the guy who could have changed everything for you. I'm just so afraid that after this month that I will never see you again, hear from you again, hear your laugh, see your smile and see your eyes. I just don't want to be a memory.
Alex
_Dear Karen,
In my room there is a painting of a forest, through which flows a wide river that faded from sight at a sharp bend. And night after night I sit in front of that painting, waiting and watching for the Ship of Hope to sail around the bend. And I guess that ship will never come.
This is my last letter to you. And with each letter that I write I am becoming more and more honest with you.
I'm writing this one that you understand me better and maybe understand yourself better also. Some of what I wrote has been said before. This is my last attempt to somehow wake you up.
I wanted you to know that I think you are sexy, beautiful, and fun to be with. I didn't care if you didn't go to college. I didn't care if you just wanted to be a housewife. I didn't care about anything except for you. I cared for you because of who you were. You were always adequate for me. There was not one thing I want to change about you.
I was always honest with you with my feeling from the beginning. Everything that I express came from the heart.
I am a very sensitive person. I feel more sadness and joy than most people. Sometimes I wish I was made of stone so that I don't have to feel. But I'm not. I know what type of person I am, and I try to protect myself by not getting involved with people.I don't open up for that reason. When I do get lonely I go out with other girls,but I never open up. There are usually one or two dates, and I never lead them on to anything else.
There are a lot of discouraged hearts everywhere who are hungry for some appreciation and sympathy and I was one of them:
I want someone to share,
Share the rest of my life,
Share my innermost thoughts,
Know my intimate detail,
Someone who stands by my side,
And give me support,
And in return she'll get my support,
She will listen to me,
When I want to speak,
About the world we live in and life in general,
although my views may be wrong,
They may even be perverted
She will hear me all,
And won't easily be converted,
To my way of thinking,
In fact she will often disagree,
But at the end of it all,
She will understand me,
_
I want somebody who cares,
For me passionately,
With every thought and with every breath,
Someone who will help me see things,
In a different light,
All the things I detest,
I will almost like,
I don't want to be tied,
To anyone string,
I'm carefully try to steer clear of those things,
But when I'm asleep,
I want somebody who will put their arm around and kiss me tenderly.
*"Somebody"-Depeche Mode
That song is what I really wanted from anyone. But not everyone is like me. And you came to the picture and I really felt something that I didn't feel for a long time. And I got scared and I told you about that also.
I really fell for you. I can't explain the reason why I feel the way I do. The heart has its own reason which reason can't know. And it was a surprise to me,as much as it was to you. This is the first time something like this happen to me the way it did. I hope you don't think that there was something wrong with me for feeling the way I did so quickly.I just couldn't help it.
And then election day '92 came along. The day you elected to go back to your husband. Believe me I was crushed. I have been depressed since that time and still am. Everyone in the clinic notices it and you can ask anyone there and they will tell you the same thing. I became a sad person. I can't hide my feelings like you can. In some ways I am still a baby. You see, I don't care about what other people think. If I feel sad I show it. I don't like to wear a mask.
When you started up with me that following week,you gave my heart hope,but my mind was telling me to forget it.
And I have always managed to escape from every other unpleasant circumstance of my life, but here I felt inseparably imprisoned with myself and the feeling I have for you, and the suffering sometimes seem greater than I could endure. You saw how many times I tried to stop myself. But I just couldn't do it. Everytime I looked at your eyes and every time I heard your voice my feelings started up again. I just couldn't control my emotions. I never fell for someone so fast and in such an unusual manner.You had something that was special to me. And I know you don't _believe me. And you may think I feel something else for you. And you may think that I don't know you too well to feel the way I do. I may not know the different walls you set up everyday. But I do know what is behind those walls. And I fell in love with that.I see you constantly struggling with yourself and your emotion. But inside your tormented head I saw with my heart something wonderful behind those eyes-a tender woman. A woman with far more passion, beauty, strength than most women I have known.
I'm sorry if it scares you. But I had to tell you. People always assume that they have time and they can give love and tell those people who they care about what they really feel until one day they wake up and find out it's too late to do anything at all. I didn't want to make that mistake.And was what I told you really that bad.Did I not touch your heart at least ounces?
I have been in enough relationship also to know that you can't force a person to feel a certain way. And you can't buy or beg for love.I don't want to do anything that makes you unhappy. And I wished in my heart things were different. But there not.
I hope we could be real good friends. You can call me anytime you are depressed or need someone to talk to.(even though I know deep inside,you will not keep in touch, but I will) But it's an irony that the very person that you married so that you can talk freely and honest with the person you can't. Shouldn't that tell you something.
I often wonder when will there ever come a happy time for you? Maybe you will find yourself again back with your husband (if someone wake him up and show him what hidden treasure he has) or maybe you will just find more loneliness. You see, you had a taste of a man who wasn't afraid to show his love (Muhumm.). It hard to go back to someone who is. That is where your unhappiness lies.
Nothing is so easy as to deceive one's self. And you are deceiving yourself with your marriage. You tell me you are married, but you are unhappy. Don't live a lie,Karen because it can only get worse. Skakespeare ounces wrote "TO Thine Own Self Be True." Be honest with yourself. You cannot run away from yourself;wherever you run,unfortunately you goes with you. You are never in trouble;trouble is in you,Karen. There is a price to be paid for the masquerade.
How long before this honeymoon period will end. Tomorrow will not be more of the same. How long before the problems that separated you and your husband come back.It's like me trying to be bad, I may keep the role up for about a week or two, but my true self will come through. Face your problem.
_ Ignorance isn't bliss.Not thinking about things will not make things disappear. You think that you know the reason for your actions,but you don't.You think that things will somehow fix themselves,sometimes they will, other times they won't. You really don't think about things,do you. Not thinking about things can only lead you to more problems. The only thing in this world that can ever hurt you is not what you know, but what you don't know. And that is with everything in life, Karen. What you don't know can crush and destroy you. What you know, you can take care of.
And why are you attaching yourself to a marriage expecting the certain wants of your personality will be satisfied, when from the very beginning, it is impossible for the other person to do so. You are heading for trouble. You are going to turn your constant unhappiness into physical aches and pains. And you already see that now.
You have this one belief that has a hold on you. You think that your husband can be the only father to your son and no one else can. You believe this with all your might and it isn't true. Anyone can make a child, not everyone can be a good parent. If your belief is so true, what then would anyone adopt any kid. Think about it.
Don't wrap your entire life around one thing exclusively, like your son. I am not saying that you shouldn't be a good mother,but consider what you are doing. You are setting your entire personality up on one single support. Would you build a house on one support and expect it to survive?
If you should ever lose that one support, then Heaven help you,Karen-you will collapse! You have nothing else. And it's going to happen. In a couple of years he will want to break the bond with you and start finding out who he is. And then it will only be you and your husband.
I hope you are not mad at me for telling you all this, but someone has to. You don't want to tell it to yourself. And I know that your heart craves love,appreciation and respect. And I hope your husband gives it to you also.
I do think the world of you. You are special.
There are some things that can not be controlled by wishes.
And love is one of them. But I do know one thing-there is nothing certain except the unforeseen. And my wishes,dreams and hopes are all I got right now to make a miracle happen. Please don't forget me, because I will not forget you.
Love You Always
Alex
I really fell for you. I can't explain the reason why I feel the way I do. The heart has its own reason which reason can't know. And it was a surprise to me,as much as it was to you. This is the first time something like this happen to me the way it did. I hope you don't think that there was something wrong with me for feeling the way I did so quickly.I just couldn't help it.
And then election day '92 came along. The day you elected to go back to your husband. Believe me I was crushed. I have been depressed since that time and still am. Everyone in the clinic notices it and you can ask anyone there and they will tell you the same thing. I became a sad person. I can't hide my feelings like you can. In some ways I am still a baby. You see, I don't care about what other people think. If I feel sad I show it. I don't like to wear a mask.
When you started up with me that following week,you gave my heart hope,but my mind was telling me to forget it.
And I have always managed to escape from every other unpleasant circumstance of my life, but here I felt inseparably imprisoned with myself and the feeling I have for you, and the suffering sometimes seem greater than I could endure. You saw how many times I tried to stop myself. But I just couldn't do it. Everytime I looked at your eyes and every time I heard your voice my feelings started up again. I just couldn't control my emotions. I never fell for someone so fast and in such an unusual manner.You had something that was special to me. And I know you don't _believe me. And you may think I feel something else for you. And you may think that I don't know you too well to feel the way I do. I may not know the different walls you set up everyday. But I do know what is behind those walls. And I fell in love with that.I see you constantly struggling with yourself and your emotion. But inside your tormented head I saw with my heart something wonderful behind those eyes-a tender woman. A woman with far more passion, beauty, strength than most women I have known.
I'm sorry if it scares you. But I had to tell you. People always assume that they have time and they can give love and tell those people who they care about what they really feel until one day they wake up and find out it's too late to do anything at all. I didn't want to make that mistake.And was what I told you really that bad.Did I not touch your heart at least onces?
I have been in enough relationship also to know that you can't force a person to feel a certain way. And you can't buy or beg for love.I don't want to do anything that makes you unhappy. And I wished in my heart things were different. But there not.
I hope we could be real good friends. You can call me anytime you are depressed or need someone to talk to.(even though I know deep inside,you will not keep in touch, but I will) But it's an irony that the very person that you married so that you can talk freely and honest with the person you can't. Shouldn't that tell you something.
I often wonder when will there ever come a happy time for you? Maybe you will find yourself again back with your husband (if someone wake him up and show him what hidden treasure he has) or maybe you will just find more loneliness. You see, you had a taste of a man who wasn't afraid to show his love (Muhumm.). It hard to go back to someone who is. That is where your unhappiness lies.
Nothing is so easy as to deceive one's self. And you are deceiving yourself with your marriage. You tell me you are married, but you are unhappy. Don't live a lie,Karen because it can only get worse. Skakespeare onces wrote "TO Thine Own Self Be True." Be honest with yourself. You cannot run away from yourself;wherever you run,unfortunately you goes with you. You are never in trouble;trouble is in you,Karen. There is a price to be paid for the masquerade.
How long before this honeymoon period will end. Tomorrow will not be more of the same. How long before the problems that separated you and your husband come back.It's like me trying to be bad, I may keep the role up for about a week or two, but my true self will come through. Face your problem.
_ Ignorance isn't bliss.Not thinking about things will not make things disappear. You think that you know the reason for your actions,but you don't.You think that things will somehow fix themselves,sometimes they will, other times they won't. You really don't think about things,do you. Not thinking about things can only lead you to more problems. The only thing in this world that can ever hurt you is not what you know, but what you don't know. And that is with everything in life, Karen. What you don't know can crush and destroy you. What you know, you can take care of.
And why are you attaching yourself to a marriage expecting the certain wants of your personality will be satisfied, when from the very beginning, it is impossible for the other person to do so. You are heading for trouble. You are going to turn your constant unhappiness into physical aches and pains. And you already see that now.
You have this one belief that has a hold on you. You think that your husband can be the only father to your son and no one else can. You believe this with all your might and it isn't true. Anyone can make a child, not everyone can be a good parent. If your belief is so true, what then would anyone adopt any kid. Think about it.
Don't wrap your entire life around one thing exclusively, like your son. I am not saying that you shouldn't be a good mother,but consider what you are doing. You are setting your entire personality up on one single support. Would you build a house on one support and expect it to survive?
If you should ever lose that one support, then Heaven help you,Karen-you will collapse! You have nothing else. And it's going to happen. In a couple of years he will want to break the bond with you and start finding out who he is. And then it will only be you and your husband.
I hope you are not mad at me for telling you all this, but someone has to. You don't want to tell it to yourself. And I know that your heart craves love,appreciation and respect. And I hope your husband gives it to you also.
I do think the world of you. You are special.
There are some things that can not be controlled by wishes.
And love is one of them. But I do know one thing-there is nothing certain except the unforeseen. And my wishes,dreams and hopes are all I got right now to make a miracle happen. Please don't forget me, because I will not forget you.
Love You Always
Alex
_
P.S.-Wish Joey a HAPPY BIRTHDAY For me please. I wrote a poem for him especially. Please read it to him
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS
If while pursuing distant dreams,
Your bright hopes turn gray,
Don't wait for reassuring words,
Or hands to lead the way,
For seldom will you find a soul,
With dreams the same as yours,
Not often will another help you,
Pass through untried doors,
If inner forces urge you,
to take a course unknown,
Be ready to go all the way,
Yes all the way alone,
That's not to say,
You shouldn't draw conclusions from the best,
You don't depend on reassuring words,
To spur you on your quest,
Find confidence within your heart,
And let it be your guide,
Strive ever harder toward your dream,Joey
And they won't be denied
_Dear Karen,
I know that I wrote that this was my last letter, but onces you give up on something-you can never get it back again. I don't want to give up on you. I know you have some feelings for me. I just know it. Please open your heart and let yourself feel them. Don't hold them inside. Feel them and experience them and let yourself know them.
Part of me dies with each letter you have in your hand. You have part of me in there, you just have to look deep inside. I do follow my words with action. There were times I pick up the phone and put it down. I did pass your place.
I did these things, but I didn't tell you. Why?
Because unlike Muhumm. why should I try to separate you and your husband? You have to learn yourself that things will not last. I could tell you that he is wrong for you. Your friends can tell you the same,but you have to tell your heart that. If I denied you that (even with all my feelings toward you) you will constantly try to get back with him(which you tried with Muhumm.)
Maybe it's easy for you to close and open your heart, but I can't. And everyday that passes, my dream has become more and more unattainable as I see you want less contact with me. And it hurts. Just because it's easier for me to express my feelings better than you can. Doesn't mean they are not true.
You are losing yourself with each day that passes, and you don't even know it. You make him dinner, that he could go out and get. You clean his clothes where he could go to the laundromat. You haven't given what is essential about you.
Love You Always,
Dear Karen,
Every girl I know say the same thing to me-they want a guy who is honest,affectionate,forgiving,dependable,has a sense of humor, and able to communicate his feelings. And every time I give them what they want, they are the one who just leave.
I have been honest with you since day one, I have been open to you since day one. You know Karen, the first question I ask you, are you in the rebound. Will you go back to your husband or Muhumm? I trusted and believe you enough that when you said no, I began to open my heart to you.
I was ready to just suffer and forget about you when you went back to your husband. You came up and started with me. These past few months have been hell, you are not here all the time to see how sad I really was, here at the clinic and at home. There wasn't a day that I was happy. But you see, I am so in love with you that I was willing to deal with it. Love was the farthest thing in my mind when I came to CHI. But it happens and there is nothing I could do about it now. I sometimes think that you think that this was all an act, but it isn't. And I hate when you say things just happen. Things don't just happen, you let things happen. Like I let myself open up to you.
You back away from me when I tell you that I love you so I won't get hurt (you must have some idea that I had those feelings, I gave you enough clue in my letters). You tell me at that time, that you don't want to talk to me anymore, after my heart is fully exposed. You think I am like other guys-you think I could just forget one girl and go on to the next. I can't do that. I have feelings, I'm not made out of stone.
I knew from the beginning that your marriage to your husband will not last. That is why I hung on. Because your husband doesn't show you affection or appreciation, your memories go back to Muhummed. And now you want him and you totally forgotten about me. I guess I was nothing but a game to you. A game. You had great power over me. Everyday I would feel sad until I got to talk to you. Only then did I feel good. It's good to feel wanted,doesn't it.
All my friends said to forget about you, but you told me not to listen. Listen to what your heart says and I did.
You go from one guy to the next with such ease, forgetting about the emotional investment each guy gave you. Throwing it away only to want it back again.
You have to tell me now-Are you going back to Muhummed?
Because my heart can't take another arrow. My mind is crazy enough now, to go through any more pain. Let me tell you something-I will love you no matter. And one day you will wish that you took a chance with me. I am a doctor. I will be making over 100,000 in about five years. I have a great family that you could be part of. And I am all those things above and more. And I could make you happy. If you just open your eyes and see that and take that chance.
Love You Always
BEYOND MY EYES
In what is heaven and earth,
I will journey on until I reach that land,
Where the two light met,
The glory flame of the sun, burning,
Burning for your love in my heart,
And when you are not with me,
My heart is utterly vacant,
They shall stare, stare till infinite,
But see nothing,
Behind my eyes, inside shall there be mercy
And out to the world they see affliction of sadness that bears with me,
If man is the master of his fate,
Then I have a date with destiny,
A slice, a slash of my time on earth,
All that came before meet now for you,
Where you tell me you are mine forever,
Ordained by the hand of the universe,
Ordain by my faith,
-Alex
Dear Karen,
There isn't a day that I don't stop thinking of you. Your face races in my thoughts constantly. You are incredible. You really are. There is a "little girl" inside of you that I just want to draw out-See her, and tell her to not be afraid. And that I would do my best to make her happy.
I want so much to tell you about my hopes,dreams,fears, and failures like we did before during our phone calls. And I want you to tell me yours. You deserve so much better treatment than you are getting now.
Love You Always
Alex
_Dear Karen,
This is a most important letter. For everything will depend on the impression which it makes upon you. I only wish that it could be in person, for then I could judge for myself from your expression the effect which my words are having on you.
Karen, please read my letters and poems again. I have laid my soul bare to you in them. Do you know how difficult I find it to express my feelings. It is sometimes terrible and I don't understand why it should be so. And sometimes
it seems to me that you underrate what I feel. You know what that does to me--it kills me. I gave birth to them.My letter are like my children. If someone threat Joey, wouldn't you protect him.
Karen, do you really want me to tell you that I love you as a friend? You do know very well I love you as something more than a friend. I have destroyed myself by expressing my true feelings toward you. I'm sorry for having gone crazy. My heart rose to such a height that it now robbed itself of what it most desired beyond any hope of recovery. God knows I never seek anything in you except yourself, I wanted simply you.
Tell me one thing, if you can-Why after I told you how I felt for you that you became so neglected and forgotten by me. And your thoughts went back to Muhummed. Was it not I, who was with you on the phone when you were sad and lonely,
when you went crazy when Joey wasn't with you on the weekend. Was it not I, when you felt sad, I tried every means possible to cheer you up with roses,gifts and phone calls.
It distresses me that you pay no heed to my feelings, this thought chills and tears my heart. You start up with Muhummed. again and now you throw me away like I was nothing. And I know deep inside that I do mean something to you.
If all I have said, written and done have not sufficiently proved what my feelings are. I have no other proof to offer. I and my heart had put ourselves in your hand. I don't understand how one man's heart and brain could stand all the things that are crowded into one day. Where do these thousands of thoughts, wishes, sorrows, joy, and hopes come from. Day in and day out the process goes on inside of me.
And what a sad thing rejection is or at least how sad it makes me. I was really happy or at least my heart was beating with powerful feeling during October when I first met you. I ask myself, why should I allow your days to pass in peace,Karen, who make mine unbearable. It would have been less cruel if you had driven a dagger into my heart. I know you never promised anything, but you implied alot and that is something I speak the truth about.
What have I done that makes you act like this to me, and be cruel. You're had enough to me, without any explanation.
Life is indeed hard and sad. My heart beats through my entire body and is conscious only of you. It confuses me so. I just saw in my head that the more contact you had with Muhumm. the more your feelings for him grew and the less space there is in your heart for me. You told me that you don't love your husband and now you love Muhumm. Was I just the guy in between.
Up to now I had thought, Karen I deserve much of you-seeing that I have tried my best in expressing myself. Karen, my heart is not in me, but with you and now, even more, if it is not with you, it is nowhere ---truly.
I will carry out your order, Karen (when I am powerless to oppose you in anything) Your order kept nothing for myself except to prove that now, even more my feelings toward you. Consider what you are doing--when I deserve more you give me less, or rather, nothing at all.
You do not yet know, Karen, to what I had resigned myself to. To you that know my heart, and from whom I shall never hide it, I need to tell you that I am weak. And that I will try to prevent the thought came to me that you want to avoid me.
You will wish that you took a chance on me one day. You may love Muhumm. now because you can't have him yet. But when you go back him like you said you will, it will come back to you the reason why you left. He has many years of schooling to go, he is in debt, he is irresponsible. I am the best thing that has come along to you. I can offer you more.
You shall now receive my last words in these last lines. My love I send you that you may keep it. If you fail to understand my feelings, nothing can await me but death, and death will hold no terror for me when I have no further hope on earth.
I do really love you. Don't make another mistake. Don't go back and start the cycle all over again with Muhumm.
Love Alex
_ This letter is not an attempt to change your mind about anything. I am just worried about you. You see I can't shut
off my emotions so quickly. And I am not the type of person who just stand by and watch someone destroy themselves without doing something. You need to be alone, without anyone, to get your act together. To be in control of your own life again. And it's going to be hard.
You have a dilemma with dealing with people and forming relationships. You are a confused individual and I hope the things that I am writing will bring some light to the problem.
All your emotional problems stem from your childhood.The past you want to forget,Karen. You see,our parents are our first teachers in life. They teach us many things that influence us for the rest of our lives. One of the things that they teach us is how to get from relationships. All your actions and all our talks leads me to believe your past has the answer to your inner chaos. I think you are still looking for the security or oneness of childhood. I could only guess, that you have this sense of incompleteness, and you may have transferred your quest for completion by attaching to people.You will not find happiness by seeking it in others. And it is not your fault you feel this way, it how you were brought up.
Think about this,as a baby,mom does here best to satisfy the needs of the infant during the first few years.
but some mother continue to please the child even after the child is able to do things for him or herself.The mother doesn't allow the child to stand on its own, making the child fearful to take risk and resentful to be depend. The
mother doesn't allow the child to get a sense of self. The
role of the father is usually to help the mother and child
separate from each other. To take the child by the hand and show him the larger world and not to be afraid. Some father
don't do their job well. The child never develop a sense of self. He or she gets so used to the total security of childhood that they will try for their rest of their lives to recapture this security and oneness.
In your case,Karen, I think your mother never let you feel the oneness during your early stages of life when you really need it and now you are still hungry for it. And you
found your mother in Muhumm. Muhumm. treats you like a queen like no other man did, satisfy your need for attention and being wanted and catering to you just like a mother would satisfy all the needs of a baby. And just like a baby, you always want....want....want...never truly giving
emotional in return. Am I right?
You must recognize that your current feeling are a message about something in your early life. If you need Muhummed. to feel complete, secure, and happy, you are giving him such power, and you are going to resent him one day.
Think about it,Karen, you didn't feel you could separate from your husband until you knew you had Muhummed. You even told me you were only happy when you were with him.
You are like an addict, that is what I see. Muhumm. must be there for you in order to satisfy your deep,aching need. or else you begin to feel the withdrawal pain. If Muhummed. isn't there, you desperately try to find some other person to take his place, until you want him again. Muhumm. is your heroin.
If you feel that you are not a whole person, that you are not complete unless you are part of Muhummed, then you are an addict. Do you really love Muhumm. or are you addicted to him in the hope of gaining what you lack in yourself---the ability to survive, to be safe. The mother or father to whom you are looking for to make you feel good, strongly exist in Muhumm. Just realize,Karen,that your feeling you have about Muhumm. being the one and only comes from your need to recapture an old feeling you knew with your one and only mother.
Your addiction sometimes is so great that it overrules your judgement and control your actions. And the favorite line you like to use is "Well. it's my business. Yes, it is your business, but step outside of yourself and really look.
You are 32, divorce, with one son and you are hooking up with a person who makes you the focus of his whole life (and that is why that if anything goes wrong in his life, he will blame you for everything)He will remain forever irrespon. and not finish his schooling, because he is focused on you.
You told me once that you can never consider Muhumm.
to be your lifetime companion. You keep forgetting the bad things of your relationship and only remember the good ones.
Selective memory is only a way of deluding yourself. You are not getting any younger and one day you will wake up to this
situation. I just hope it wouldn't be too late.
You got to realize you are not a child, Karen. You can do things by yourself now, you are not small and helpless. You are a strong woman. You are so focused on Muhummed. that you are so blind and can't see. Here now you have your freedom
again, and instead of focusing on rebuilding your inner strength you just jump into a relationship again and losing
yourself again. A person who doesn't have a secure sense of themselves will always feel inner emptiness and strive to fill it.
To me, you seem so detached from the experience of just living that you cannot get a sense of your own self as a complete being. But you are a complete being,Karen. Don't think that you are not the person living your life, because you are. Your existence is important to many people, including me. You are using relationships to seal off your inner self from a frightening environment. But there is nothing to be afraid of. You think that Muhumm is only one there in the darkness to guide you to the light,but if you go closer to the light you will see many more people.
You only really allow two people to enter your world-Gasper for 8 years and Muhumm for 2 year. You haven't let anyone else in. You are just closing many doors for yourself. If you eat oranges all the time and never ate an apple, how do you know you wouldn't like the apples better.
How do you know that you can't do better? Think of all the opportunity you let go. I guess you can't, you are in too deep to see anything, you lost yourself again. I just hope you see what you are doing to yourself, before it becomes too late.
Love Alex
_Dear Karen,
I really shouldn't have came to visit last week. You
are such a beautiful lady. Incredible-really. Just looking at you I began to lose myself again. How strange is the human heart. I am such a fool. I'm looking for something that does not exist. How much I wish you choose me rather than Muhumm. But my whole being was absorbed again by the sight of you and the sound of your voice.
Every week I give in to temptation and swear that I will not call and not try to visit, but when that week comes, I find an absolute irresistible reason for calling you and before I know it----I'm on the phone calling you, or there in Coney Island.
I don't know if you recall a conversation we had a long time ago, when I told you how sad I was about my life, that I haven't seem to accomplish anything in my life. I should
have been happy with the way things were, but I wasn't. I put all my hope in you,because I felt something. Something real and good. With anticipation of happiness I stretch out my arms to grasp you and you were not there. And there I stood in front of an abyss. I felt alone, abandoned and blindly cornered by the horrible need in my heart.
Why does that which makes a man happy have to become the source of his misery? I don't blame you, I never did. I blamed myself. I knew what type of person I am, but I thought that just maybe....maybe...this time would be different.I would find someone who was honest and as innocent in the affairs of the heart like me,but I was wrong.
You really like me onces and I also knew that if you got to see more of me,you would have like me even more. But your husband came along and your mind went back to Muhumm because things at home remind you of why you left. I know you love Muhumm.,but he is not the only one for you. You are missing out on a whole new world. A world where if you gave it a chance would make you happy. But love is blind and only you can remove the blindfold so you can have the use of your eyes.
Give me a chance,Karen. A chance to show and prove to you that you are special. With me, you will have little time to think about Muhumm. Spend time with me and you will realize what you are missing. You are really sacred to me. Very special. I often envy Muhumm. and tell myself that I would feel wonderful if I were in his place.
What I miss the most are our talks, more than anything else. And you have been cold and mean for good reason. I should just forget about you,but how could I when I feel for you so much. I woke up this morning and tried to look for you in my room when I realized that a happy,innocent dream has deceived me into imagining I was sitting beside you and holding your hand.
Love Alex
_Dear Karen,
I have listened to the things you say,but you never seem to listen to me. That is why I keep repeating myself over and over again. I am not like other guys. I am more sensitive. I have great respect for you, that is why I never tried anything physical on you. I wouldn't do anything you wouldn't want me to do. It's not that I don't want to,but to you sex means love and its not. They are two different things. I didn't realize this until I met Valerie.
In college, I would sleep around. I had a new girl every three weeks or so and I have broken many hearts. That all change with Valerie. Valerie wasn't the type of girl I went after, so I never really thought much about her. She was in one of my classes and before along she was hanging around with me and my best friend. I really wasn't attracted to her until she really started to open up (telling me things she never told anyone) and then I started to fall head over heels for her. Because with my heart now open I saw through the shell she was wearing and saw the person within. What I didn't know until later was my best friend felt the same way. Even with the betrayal, the pain I went through made me realize the hurt I gave to other people and from that point on I didn't want to feel anymore.
The awakening came when I met you and for that I will forever be grateful to you.(you see things do happen for a reason), I haven't felt in so long that I almost forgot how and this is the truth. The Karen I met in October was the Karen I felt for.The Karen who trusted me enough that she open up and my heart started to see through the shell she were hiding. I was able to just talk to you and really open up, but when I got hurt (you went back to your husband) that is when I started to write my letters to you.Because with letter I am able to tell you things and not be afraid of getting hurt, not be afraid of maybe thinking I was weird,and trying to make you listen.But they weren't only words, I did put action behind them.
It seems that every time that I express myself to you, Karen,you get scared. I know that I'm scaring you with my letters and the things I do-roses,gifts. But this is how I am. I have always been honest than most people. I am not afraid of my feelings. Would you have liked it better that I hold things in-be something I'm not. I can't.
Believe me Karen,I not the obsessive type. All my actions had motive in them. I started to give you money when I met you because I feel for you. I went past your house twice (once because I got worried about you-snow storm, the other time is the weekend you went back to Muhummed.) I got you gifts because I thought you deserve it and no one else gave you something good. I sent the roses because I promised a good time and it didn't go so well. You know me for five months now, you should know the type of person I am and should be afraid of me. I just wish you open up again,but you want to go back to the turmoil you seem to like.
You have been in the last two years in a mental rollercoaster ride-one day happy, the next crying. And it too much for anyone to bear. You did this to yourself because you are confused and you don't know what you want.
I'm writing this letter in hope of trying to make things clearer for you. To put things straight.
If you want to play housewife, be someone mom,and have mind games played on you then I'm not the guy for you at all. If you like this merry-go-around you are in, then stay. I am putting my hand out to you again in an attempt to perusal you to take a chance and not be afraid and get off that ride. Like I wrote before,If you want an honest, caring, open relationship, then I'm the man for you. I would never hurt you and I would never make you cry. I would accept you the way you are.If you like being treated bad and being in someone's thumb and control and not being you then go back to Muhummed. If you want to take a chance with me then I am willing to go as slow as you want, but you have to tell me Karen, you have to open up and tell me.
Alex
Dear Karen,
You are going to some hard times and I wish there was something that I could do to help you. I just don't understand why you like to be treated bad by the guys in your life (except your son). Why did you let them use you and take control over you. I have tried my best in words,gifts and my action to show you that you deserve so much more. You seem to not listen or not really care.
If you want to be lied to,or be someone's mom or be under the control of someone that is the choice that you made and no one else.You like people playing mind games on you, then fine. I have been honest, caring, understanding
,and forgiving.
_
Dear Karen,
In any relationship there is compassion, affection, honesty, communication, and acceptance and in any destructive relationship there is lack of communication, selfishness, dishonesty, jealousy, and lack of trust. You fit in category two. I licked your wounds after Muhumm. and Gasper and when you were done with me, you threw me away.
You know Karen, you will never be happy in any relationship, because you don't have what it takes to really love anyone (including your son). I feel sorry for you more than anything else. You will be all alone at the end, because how can you give to anybody in this world what you do not have in yourself. You have no love in your heart, you only have yourself in there and there is no room for anyone.
Karen, I never became obsessed with you and my main goal was not to get you into bed. If you thought about me this way, you know nothing about me at all. I don't understand why it was hard for you to understand that my heart connect with you. I must admit it came under unusual situation. If you don't understand how such things can happen, you know little about anything. Because I couldn't fake my feelings or those things I wrote to you. And all I wanted to do was to break down that dam wall that you build around your heart. I never tried anything physical on you because I had great respect for you. I tried my best to show you how I felt and how you should be treated, but you would rather choose to be treated like shit more than anything. And that's your business.
You say that I don't know you truly--you have known loneliness, you have known despair, you have cried and laughed. And in all these ways that we communicate, we are alike, because I've known them also. But somewhere along the line you gave up on me and that is too bad. There is a hell of a lot more of me that you will never know or experience.
Karen, you just missed out on the best love you would have gotten in your life. You would have gotten a different view of seeing things, more happiness than you ever had in your life and find the peace you have lost. But you choose more chaos, poverty, pain, and suffering. You choose a guy that play mind games on you and make you cry over a guy that could make you smile and was honest. Don't ever say to yourself that you didn't have a chance to get out of the merry-go-around you have put yourself in. You deserve everything you get, Karen. Because you asked for it.
Do you know what two letters in life that are important,Karen. If you take the l and t out, you get if. If only Karen, you were able to tell the complete truth instead of half the truth to yourself and others you wouldn't be in the situation you are now. If only you had some loyalty, some compassion,some self-confidence, some heart, and some wisdom, you would have gotten everything you ever wanted in your life. But NO, instead you are constantly in a battle with your heart and mind every minute.
I'm not a child and I'm not writing this letter to tell you that I hate you, because I don't. I want to open your eyes and show you the consequences of all your action. Don't make someone really care for you and next tear them apart. Don't make someone give you their most prized possession--their heart and instead of embracing it, you make them feel like shit. Stop playing with people's emotion, because they are not made of stone like you are. It hurts more than some people can bear. You don't appreciate the things that people do for you, the time, money and effort they go through to just make your day a little bit brighter. Just so that you could smile and forget your troubles for a while. I did these things not to get something back, and not to make you see me in good light, but because I honestly cared about you. And I realize now that you never really thought much about me. I was there only when you wanted me to be there. You really never saw the effort that went behind the things I did. I was your yo-yo. I would have never...never done the things you have done. I would have never hurt you. And don't fool yourself in thinking that you were the only girl I really felt for in my life, because you are not.
I still don't understand what I did wrong in calling you that day. So what if your ex-husband pick up the phone--you are divorce from him and you still care about a guy who has slept around behind your back when you were married. You will never be free until you are free from him. And that weekend you told me that you don't want to see Muhummed. anymore. What is it Karen---more lies or what.
I want to ask you for a favor---learn from what you are doing. Stop hurting your son,Gasper,Muhumm, and me. Stop fucking up people's lives. Stop being so damn selfish and only think of what Karen wants and what Karen's need. You make them love you and care for you and when the love wasn't returned, a wall was erected around their innocent loving heart, a wall protecting them from getting hurt. A wall that keeps the love from flowing out and other love reaching in. You make it hard for the next person that comes along.
Don't spend time crying about yesterday----yesterday is over with. Forget your past. It doesn't matter who you have hurt now, if you're learned not to hurt again. It doesn't matter what mistakes you're made as long as you don't make them again.
Grow up! Take responsibility for your actions, your emotions, and your decisions. Stop playing games with everyone, because things will get worse for you if you don't. Just listen to me this time, Karen. Listen. The abyss you are in will only get deeper with every passing day and you will draw people away from you including your son if you don't listen. And if you do listen just maybe....just maybe, you will finally find the security and calmness you are looking for.
_6/24/93
THE HOPELESS LONGING OF THE DAY
In the night does my heart speak,
My feeling and my words live in my deluding sleep.
For in my misleading rest,
With my eyelids close,
Do I inherit those dream denied by day,
And how I long to feel the warmth of your touch,
To let the moon to be a light,
Of your beauty, and measure out,
Stages of you,
That they might know the number of years,
And the count of time,
I had to wait for you,
To be in my arm,
And in the sun's decline,
Till the darkness of the night,
My heart resolved to from the face of the earth,
Echoing its distress and sorrow,
Of you not here with me tonight,
-Alex
My Darling Mabel,
This is a most important letter. For everything will depend on the impression which it makes upon you. I only wish that it could be in person, for then I could judge for myself from your expression the effect which my words are having on you.
These past few weeks have been so special to me,Mabel.
I was really happy or at least my heart was beating with powerful feeling. You have really touched my heart like no one else has done. I don't know what you have, but you have something special inside you. This is the first time I went head over heels on someone without even meeting them yet. And when I found out you were interested in me,I said to myself how I lucky I was.
With you Mabel, I could be my real self. No mask, No roles to play, just being me. I have open up to you and told you things that I never told anyone. What could I say, it so strange to have these feelings. But I also feel,Mabel that you are slowing giving up on me. The excitement in your voice(like when you said "Oh My God" over the phone) is slowing dying down. I feel though your tone more annoyances than anything. And I keep trying my best with my tapes and cards and phone calls to keep the spark alive, to not let it die. But it seems that the more I try, the more I drive you away. I'm sorry.
What has happen,Mabel. Please tell me. You were so willing to give me a chance. You were so open to me the first couple of times, so excited by me and all of a sudden it just vanished. And I feel sad. I want to hold you in my arms. Wrap your face in my hand and tell you what's really in my heart. To have your body close to mine. To feel and hear your heartbeat. To kiss you. I want you to feel the same.
You have to understand it's hard for me to open up my heart, and it's hard for me to close it. I am more sensitive than most people. I feel more and hurt more than others. Sometimes I wish I were made out of stone so I don't have to feel so much. I don't open much to people. I have a lot of acquaintances, but few true friends. And those people I do open up to---like you. I do it based on my feelings. I have been approached by many girls an I turn them down except for you because through our talks you have captured me.
Everytime I talk on the phone, I feel my heart opening up again, and every time we say good-bye to my heart aches for you, wishing you were here with me. And I think about you alot again. I miss you.
I know,I know, Mabel you need time to get over Robert.
But I feel that you are neglecting me. Love is a creation, it is a result of effort, attention, and unselfishness. It doesn't pop out of thin air and appears. It is durable and grows when properly cared for. Neglected and abused it soon withers away and turns to dust. It's not like I'm asking you to love me right now or anything like that. I just want to be part of your life. To know you care about me. And I still don't understand the big deal in seeing you. Mabel, the surest cure for an old love is a new one. A live sweetheart by your side, conversing with you, will leave you few moments for dreaming about a wrecked romance.
There is perhaps nothing so painful as to love and be unloved in return. An unrequited love is indeed one of life's tragic experiences. Mabel,I just don't want to be just one of a string of guys to you. I am offering a serious relationship to you. The reason I want to know if you are interested also now is that with every day that passes the feeling in my heart grows for you and if you don't want me then tell me so I can suffer whatever pain now before it really becomes unbearable.
-Love You Always
_7/6/94 5pm
Tuesday
BEHIND MY EYES
In what is heaven and earth,
I will journey on until I reach that land,
Where the two light met,
The glory flame of the sun burning,
Burning for your love in my heart,
And when you are not with me,
My heart is utterly vacant,
They shall stare, stare till infinite,
But see nothing,
Behind my eyes, inside shall there be mercy
And out to the world they see affliction of sadness that bears with me,
If man is the master of his fate,
Then I have a date with destiny,
A slice, a slash of my time on earth,
All that came before,
Meet now for you,
Where you tell me you are mine forever,
Ordained by the hand of the universe,
Ordain by my faith,
-Alex
Dearest Joanne,
You have really touched my heart like no one else has done. I don't know what you have darling,but you do have something special about you. Maybe its your hair, maybe it's your eyes or the kindness you show me.I know what it is-----it's your heart. It's your heart that I love.
Sweetheart,there isn't a day that I don't stop thinking of you. Your face races in my thoughts constantly. I love you so much. I can't wait to hold you, to make love to you. Honey, I just want you to be so happy. I just want to make you happy. Tell me what to do to make you happy. You mean the world to me. I hope you enjoy the poem that I wrote. I miss.............you. I miss........you.
Don't be sad. Don't feel lonely, I'm always there with you, Joanne. I'm with you in your heart. I love you.
JOANNE----I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!
Alex
_
7/19/94 Tuesday
10a.m.
Another turning point in my life and I don't know what to do. I want Joanne and my family is making me choose between them and her. I love Joanne and she makes me happy, but happiness in this family doesn't matter. We are all too interdependent upon each other for our happiness. I hope that one person was going to support me. It is a hard choice to make. I will hurt someone in my decision. What do I do. The week that I spend with her were the happiest in my life. Everytime I listen to my mom or dad, I feel unhappy.
I miss Joanne so much. I miss the warmth of another human being. She has such a kind heart. She makes me feel loved, which is something I lack in this house. She tells me that I'm not such a bad person, that I could do anything and I feel that I can. I stay here and live the life my parents wanted me to, I will surely never feel good about myself. What mother would tell his son that you are a loser and I wish that you were never born. That I embarrass you. And the day I graduated from school that I worked so hard to pass, she tells me that I'm not a doctor at all. She has always told me that Holly was always better than me, that she will have a better life than me. Do I stay and hear this over and over again. If I do leave, I really leave because I don't get the love and support I need. I don't get the feeling that I am someone and all the money they can give will not be able to make me feel that way.
Stay ADV Leave ADV
1-Money factor 1-Freedom
2-Family 2-Joanne
3-dad help me with opening 3-Happiness
up. 4-Sex
DISADV DISADV.
1-loose family 1-only 6month
2-no money 2-she is older
3-divorse
4-losing her
Why do I feel that I must always prove my love for her. She gives me these test. Why didn't she try to stay in New York. I want her to prove to me that she loves me. Why must I always be tested.
7/22/94
Thursday
I don't know what to do. Let's be honest right now. Do I love her or do I love the sex. The sex was great. She has opened up my sexuality like no one else. She gives great blow-job and suck real good. I can so anything sexually with her.
Is she physically healthy? she has a disc problem. Physically she is slightly overweight. She is attractive and does she love me----I know she does. Should I make a commitment with her after only six month. Do I want to stay in New York when everyone tells me that it is easier to make it outside of New York. New York is saturated. It is not fair what my family is doing to me. She really loves me.
Do I want someone who is young? Yes. Do I want to have kids in about two years? No. Does it make sense to stay?
Let Joanne go and start a life here as a doctor and see where it leads----an office,a job,a family. Most likely my family will set me up with a young woman with a job and a good family. Can I do anything sexual with her? I don't know. Will she make me happy----will she love me like Joanne does? No. I may just stay and open up here with my father help on my own and then tell Joanne to move in with me and find a job. She will be able to. And then lose my family. Either I lose them now or later.
Move to Boston, find a job as a podiatrist and have all the sex I want and be happy. If not a job as a podiatrist then I guess as something else. What does my family have to offer to me:-no love,not yet
-No freedom,not yet
-Yes to money
Go to Boston and have
-love
-sex
-freedom
-money **not yet
1-DO I REALLY LOVE JOANNE WEST?
YES NO
2-DO I REALLY LOVE MY FAMILY?
YES NO
3-AM I HAPPY STAYING AT HOME?
**NO
4-IF I HAVE MY OWN PLACE IN N.Y. WILL I BE HAPPY?
YES NO
5-WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF IF YOU GO TO BOSTON?
**NOT FINDING A JOB
**LOSING MY FAMILY
**BEING POOR
**IF ME AND JOANNE DON'T GET ALONG
**WANT A BABY IN TWO YEARS
6-IF YOU STAY WILL YOU LOSE JOANNE?
**MAYBE
7-IS IT FAIR TO JOANNE IF YOU STAY?
**NO
8-IF YOU STAY HERE IN NEW YORK WHAT WILL YOU LOSE?
**MAYBE LOSE JOANNE
**MAYBE MY FREEDOM
9-WILL YOU BE UNHAPPY IF YOU STAY IN NEW YORK?
**YES
10-WHERE DO I WANT TO STAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
IN NEW YORK?
YES NO
11- SO IT REALLY COMES DOWN TO WHAT DO YOU VALUE THE MOST
LOVE OR SECURITY
_Dearest Family,
Ralph Emerson once wrote,"Each man has his own vocation. The talent is the call. There is one direction in which all space is open to him. He has faculties silently inviting him thither to endless exertion. He is like a ship in a river; he runs against obstructions on every side but one, on that side all obstruction is taken away and he sweeps serenely over a deepening channel into an infinite sea." There seem to be no road to take except the one I am taking now.
In the end it was you, mom and dad, who put up obstruction in every path I took.Instead of looking upon my eye as a man who knows what is true and right, you see me as a child who hasn't grown up and can't take care of himself.
You feel that I need someone to tell me what is good for me.
Since you have more years on me and since you have gone through life already you decide that your judgement is better than mine. Mom,Dad, you are not living under my skin. You really don't know my thoughts or dreams or aspirations because you never took the time to get to know me. You want the best for me, I understand and I appreciate it,but please have enough faith in how you brought me up to let me decide for myself. You will not be with me forever.
I tried to state my case to you many times, but you guys don't listen. It distresses me that you pay no heed to my feelings, this thought chills and tears my heart. If all I have said, written and done have not sufficiently proved what my feelings are. I have no other proof to offer. I don't understand how one man's heart and brain could stand all the things that are crowded into one day. Where do these thousands of thoughts, wishes, sorrows, joy, and hopes come from. Day in and day out the process goes on inside of me. I am torn between my love for the family and my love for Joanne. And there should be no choice.
Nothing is so easy as to deceive one's self. I have been deceiving myself trying to be what you want me to be. Skakespeare ounces wrote "to thine own self be true." Be honest with yourself.And I am right now.
Up to now I had thought I deserve much respect from you-seeing that I have tried my best in being the son who wanted me to be-go to school,stay clean,and be honest. But you always want more. Nothing was ever good enough.
How could I trust you in anything when every promise you ever told be was a lie. You tell me that you don't want to control me-yet you tell me under no circumstance can I go to Haleh's apartment in the city without giving me a good reason why. You tell me that you will help me with my career, yet every suggestion or move I make is wrong.
These past few months have been so special to me. I was really happy or at least my heart was beating with powerful feeling when I met Joanne. She really touches my heart like no one else has done. She took the time to get to know me, to really get to know me. I really fell for her. I can't explain the reason why I feel the way I do. The heart has its own reason which reason can't know. And it was a surprise to me,as much as it surprises anyone. This is the first time something like this happen to me .
When I finished my residency and found how hard it was to find a job, it was like a truck hitting me. I was depressed and sad and I felt worthless. This summer was a summer of intense civil war inside of me. I was torn. I could not sleep or eat. There was no one in the family that was there for me when I needed someone. I was always there for everybody else.For you MOM when your mother died,you Holly when you needed someone to help you move and set your apartment up, and the waterbug and you LOLLY when you need help with anything.
It was during this time also I realize who my friends were. I had friends offering me to move in with them, people who weren't my flesh and blood. And then I have a sister who not once said to me,"Homan, Why didn't you move in with me. I'll help you."
I have talk about my problems with everyone, maybe I thought I was wrong. Everyone sided with me. I really can't stand it anymore. You are pushing me in one side and Joanne in the other. I am being pulled by both end. I am so depressed about my job. It seems that you really don't care about my feelings at all. My needs,my feelings,my dreams mean nothing. The only feeling that do count are yours, mom and dad and no one else. I can't believe how quickly you, Dad can throw me away like that, it just comes to show how much I really mean to you. I can't stay in a household where both my parents hate me and I have no one on my side. I am totally alone. You talk about family,yet when I look at how mom treated her sister and brother, it makes me see at how you think family is so important. If you want just to live by Iranian values only then we should all move to Iran tonight. We are living in America if you guys don't realize it.I am more depressed about not having a job than anything else and you guys don't understand that.
Mom, Don't wrap your entire life around one thing exclusively, like your kids. I am not saying that you shouldn't be a good mother,but consider what you are doing. You are setting your entire personality up on one single support. Would you build a house on one support and expect it to survive?
If you should ever lose that one support, then Heaven help you,-you will collapse! You have nothing else. And it's going to happen. Onces I go and then Haleh and following Laleh, you will be all alone
You put me in a situation where you made me pick either you or Joanne. I didn't make up the rules. It really wouldn't have matter who it was. Be it Joanne or someone else. From past experience you would find something wrong with any girl--be it young,beautiful and from a good family. It wasn't like I was going out with with different girls and you didn't complain. It seem to me that even when I was just dating you would complain about every girl. Who I get involved with is my business. That aspect of my life is personal.You have this need to get involve because in your mind I don't think about the future. I don't know what's good for me. The further you try to tell me what to do, the more I did what I wanted. I didn't want to go to her. In fact you made it easy for me to leave a number of time and I didn't I just couldn't leave the family I love so much.
At first the thought of losing my family scared me and I tried to think of something else, to try to distract my thoughts and that made me more scared. And then finally I gave it great concentration, until it has been completely familiar. In the end the familiarity made the terror worn off. I'm not scared anymore to not have a family. It is a family that is too interdependent, a person can not grow in this family.
It was never about Joanne, it was about freedom. Freedom to grow and experience life. Life is full of sorrow and happiness and you can't protect me from life. I don't want to get married. I told you that. But I don't want to be alone either. I will carry out your order, and leave. Your order kept nothing for myself except to prove that now, even more my feeling about my freedom and development is important to me. I don't know if I will eventually end up with Joanne or not. Just consider what you are doing--when I deserve more you give me less, or rather, nothing at all. Maybe if you weren't too forceful and wanted to tell me what to do I wouldn't be going now and be with her. And maybe in time I would have found someone else here, but that is too late now. The thing you didn't want for me came about because you pushed me into it, like in the beginning paragraph "I ran against obstructions on every side but one, on that side all obstruction is taken away".
I thank you for everything, Mom and Dad. I really appreciate all the advantages you gave me in this life. Laleh, I love you the most. I just wish that you were there to support me. Haleh, you take care of yourself and I know that you can do that very well.
_Resentment Toward Mom:
-comparing me with Haleh
-making promise that she didn't keep
-lying to me
-not believing me at all
-always blaming me when something goes wrong, like everything is my fault
-making me feel guilty
-finding something always wrong with me (my appearance,action, clothes)
-making me feel bad
-not being understanding when I needed someone to
understand me
-try to be nice to me when things were bad for me
-putting a curse at me
-telling me that I am a loser, I can't do anything right
-hitting me
-giving Faribia all the attention I needed
-making rules so that their is a no win situation,I can
never win with her
-telling me that all my friends are cheap
Dear Mommy,
I really hate you. I blame you for my low self-esteem that I have. I believe for the longest time that I didn't deserve to be loved. Everything I do is wrong, everything I am is wrong. Nothing was right with me. You always would find something wrong with me, always, and you would say to me that if I don't tell you, who would you would say. I'm only telling you this because I love you. There was nothing lovable about me.The worst part was that I believe you. I always thought that I was never worth anything and any girl wouldn't want to be with me. I hate you for that. You are so stupid. You are an idiot.
Another thing I would hate is at you would ask me to tell you something really private and I would and then you would use it against me in a fight or you would tell the whole family. I felt betrayed. And when something would go wrong in my life, you would tell me that I deserve it that it was my fault. Made me afraid to do anything for myself.
The worst would be that you would promise me things and you would never keep your promise at all. Or would compare me with Holly or Laleh or any one of your friends. You made me feel that there was something wrong with me. God, I hate you. Telling me lies is another thing you love to do to me.
I would listen to you and believe every word you said and then I would feel stupid for believing you. Always telling us that money is important and money is everything.
You project to me that life is too hard for me that I
wouldn't survive out there at all. Telling me that I am weak. You are the one that started this completion between me and Haleh. My decisions are always wrong, my actions are not correct with you and hence I need your O.K. to go ahead with my decisions.
When I need a mother who would be understanding when I failed an exam or I had a bad day, you would make me feel worse. Oh, so much worse. You always tell me to respect you,yet you don't respect me.
You keep telling me that you sacrificed everything for me. This implicate that I owe my life to you and only you and Dad. All I ever did to you was cause trouble and my action was never normal to you. Everything I did was not normal. I felt that I had to make-up to you by being perfect and doing what you want. Since you would find something wrong with me all the time, I felt that you wanted me to not be who I was. Who I am doesn't count. What I want doesn't count, What I want to do doesn't count, My needs don't count. The only needs,wants,or likes that mattered was yours. I was suppose to be the person you wanted me to be. I'm only good if I do as you say.Well. Fuck you Mom. I love you, but I hate you for doing what you did to me
You make me expect the worst possible outcome in every circumstance, to doubt other people, that every one is selfish and fake. My judgement is wrong. I felt so depressed most of life so far, I was so lonely for the longest time. You made me this way. Nothing I ever did was right or good.
Everything about me to you was bad or wrong. I hate when you use guilt to control me.
Let me tell you something Mommy, I am good. I am handsome. I am smart. I am lovable. People like me. Joanne loves me. My judgement is good, my judgement is right.
You are the one who is messed up. Love is not all about telling someone what's wrong with them. That is not love. Love is supporting and giving and understanding. You don't know how to love. I am good. I am good as I am. I don't want you in my life. I hate you. I hate you the most out of anyone in this family.
Dear MOMMY
I forgive you---I hate you
I forgive you---you manipulate me
I forgive you---all those years of denied pleasure I denied
myself
I forgive you---the depression and worthless you gave
I forgive you---all the time you let me down and made a bad
day worse
I forgive you---but I wish you would respect me, could see
me for who I am and not who you wanted me
to be
I forgive you---if you just let me have my freedom
I forgive you---if you just let me be me and just love me
I forgive you---be understanding
I forgive you---betraying me,not believing me
I forgive you---finding something wrong with me because I'm
just doing me best
I forgive you---I forgive myself for believing all the
things you said to me
I forgive you---
I forgive you---
I forgive you---
_ February 11, 1995
5pm
Dearest Cori,
I am glad that you enjoy my tape. Thank you for the postcards.I finish my residency about six months ago. I work for now on Fridays in Hempstead and Hicksville. I sublet an office in Brooklyn that I go to on Mondays. Life overall is hard.
All of life is timing, and it seems to be true. I can't believe what has happened to health care. The HMO are continuing to gain momentum and control the market.
I see about five patients an hour and have about 10-15 minutes with them. The payments with these insurances plan are getting lower and lower and yet my malpractice is getting higher and higher.
Don't misunderstand me, Cori, I love being a Doctor and it is a great feeling to relieve pain and suffering for another human being, but being a doctor is hard work and sometimes it is discouraging. I have to tell you that I have great respect for you. You are incredible. I am proud of you that you are following your dream and actually went to another country to make it come true. That takes courage and strength. If you need anything,dear, just write me a letter and I will do my best to help.
I wish we could go back to StonyBrook, I miss those times. My heart is sad, Cori. My girlfriend had to go to Boston about six month ago because of her job. we celebrated our one year anniversary about one month ago. She either comes to N.Y. or I go to Boston ounces a month. A long term relationship is indeed hard. You would like her. She has the most beautiful blue eyes and the bright red hair I have ever seen. I love her so much.
I'm starting to write again. I wrote two teleplays. I am writing one more and then get an agent to help me get producer interested in it. I wish I was there to help you study and cheer you on. Don't be discouraged. Don't let things get you down.....O.K. It will be worth it...`.OOH child things can only get easier. `` I have an internet mail box you can write to if you want. Write me back, you need a friend now. I promise to write you back, so you don't get homesick. Take care yourself,love...O.K.
Your Friend Forever
DOC
_ February 11,1995
6pm
Dearest Joanne,
I just finished watching "Awakening" with Robin William. I can't believe that I feel so much. These new feelings are things I never dealt with because I didn't allow myself to.
This world is no bad and mean. I was hurt by everyone, Joanne.The kids at school would push me around and make fun of me. The teacher would make me feel stupid. And my family would make me feel like I was unloved and that I was bad. I hate this world. I was hurt by everyone I ever trusted anyone. My soul has been scared. My memories will not let me go. I became to believe what other said to me. I can't stop their voices in my stupid head, honey. Why do I feel like a loser?
Do you understand that I love you! Out of every soul that I have encounter your was the kindest. You really care about me. You care about my thoughts and you listen when I talk. No one ever did that to me. You asked once why do I love you--because of these reasons. My heart has been hurt and torn and spit at and ripped. Sometimes it is so hard to believe that someone like you could love me because I am such a loser. I want to thank you for loving me.
I hate my life, honey. I planned my life so that I wouldn't be where I thought in my head that I am right now. I feel trapped and their is no way out. It seems that I am waiting for that one job to save me, but it isn't coming. I guess the reason that I feel such a loser is because to me a loser is a person who is in my situation---at home,no real solid job.
I hate that life got in the way with us. It's not fair at all. Your love has save me time without number. It has given my heart a soul that wasn't there for the longest
time. I miss you. It was never sex with you. I just wanted to share myself with you. I want to tell you also,Joey, that I love you so very very very much. I miss you and one more thing---Happy V-day.
love you Always
Alex
_5/18/95
Thursday
Dearest Joanne,
You, my love are the source of such great happiness and pleasure. I long for your closeness. You are the most beautiful, kindest, intelligent woman I have ever met. I feel like I have been so unfair to you with my situation. I don't know why my parents hate you----you have done nothing wrong and I know you take it personally. I am sorry for their action.
I know you feel that I'm not totally committed to you. I have loyalty to my family. I see this affect our closeness. We go for months without talking about it. I see you are protecting yourself and withholding things from me. I know you are insecure. You don't think I love you,but I do. Most of the time, I think you think that I act like I love you and say that I do,but because I don't commit to you, it makes you feel powerless and insecure. You think that either I don't love you enough or I'm going to change my mind later.
I want to tell you something, living at home is hell. I have my parents trying to control my behavior by making me feel guilty or by blackmailing me with threatened loss. I refuse to be manipulated by guilt or obligation or fear of loss. If they are willing to carry it that far and are willing to give me up if I don't do their bidding, then I,too, am willing to lose them. I'm so tired, Joanne, day in and day out they continue to do their "little trick" on me. I am leaving them soon.
I know that you feel that you have been hanging around for months on the receiving end of the relationship. Thinking that I control the relationship,feeling months of powerless,out of control, and angry, months of longing for me which you think that you can't have me and then feel that you have become a woman who loves too much.
You are not neurotic, you are not needy. Your desire for a solid relationship is healthy. Your need for connection is valid. I don't want you to blame yourself for problems that came up when you wanted to be closer and you thought that I was distancing myself.
I spent a lot of time rationalizing my behavior towards you. My job is important to me. Getting a job was a lucky break when I hear that my other friend are out of work. This was a valid reason that I stayed in New York. Do you know that I wanted to just forget about medicine so many times and just move down to Boston. Almost everyday I ask myself--"Why am I not doing it?" I don't know....I ask myself this question and I get this feeling of fear. I am afraid to commit. I am afraid that one day you will turn to me and reject me also. It is a scary thought and I know deep in my heart you wouldn't do it. When I try to rationalize my actions I see you trying to convince me of different points of view,that my vision is limited, that my fears are in charge of my life. I do listen.
Please forgive me if you think that I am giving you mixed messages. I know you think that I tell you to come closer and then go away. But I'm not.
I know that you have talked to me over and over again about what you want and you feel that I don't understand you, and you begin to doubt yourself. I just want to tell you that I do understand----what you want is not unrealistic. You are not too influenced by movies,or T.V.
You are not too needy and it is not your problem alone.
When you are in a relationship, when one person has a problem, the problem then also belong to the other person.
Your problem became mine and hence ours. I have a feeling that you talk with your friends about your need for more closeness.
Honey, I see you putting your needs on the back burner for me. Your need to have a child, your need to be number one with me, your emotional need, your sexual need. You remove your needs from the relationship so that other aspect of it may flourish. Denying your needs doesn't mean that your needs won't stay buried forever. Something will start you into feeling then again. You may experience jealousy at seeing other people in relationship or when you are with Walter sharing moment with him when you should be with me. These experiences bring you back to me and you begin to feel your needs and get angry at me or get sad and say---"Why isn't Alex with me?". You isolate yourself from other so that you don't have to experience these moments. You don't go to parties or out with your friend because it bring you feeling of what you lack. You tell me that your life has never been in such a mess until I came along. You have bad dreams of us. I don't know how you can expect that these things shouldn't affect me. I felt so bad for you.
These past months were full of many things. Sometimes I think I haven't given you what you truly deserve. My family, my job, your job, the distance between us and the different priorities we both have in our lives seem like I was giving you a half-hearted love when you truly deserve more. I tried my best Joanne. I so love you. I can't see you with anyone else but with me. I feel like a loser because I just couldn't give you what you should have. All I ever felt like I did was to give you disappoint after disappoint with a lot of pain. I lay at night---saying---"How could a beautiful woman like you,fall in love with me?"
I wish you never left to Boston. That day you left I felt like I was grieving someone's death. I felt like I was dying and going crazy at the same time. I know it wasn't your fault....I just needed you so much that summer. I hate my life. I hate God for what he did. I need you and you need me. If anything----please don't hate me,I'm doing that job myself, Joanne. I invested my heart, my love, my soul, my time.....everything to you. I love you Joanne West.
I feel so bad,hopeless,inadequate,desperate,lost, lonely and worthless right now. I didn't only let you down, I let myself down. You have needs,you want someone to go to the movies with, to go out to dinner with, to talk about your bad day at the office, to unburden yourself. How could I do that for you when I am 200 miles away. Even If I had my own place....we would still be 200 miles away and the price for the flight to New York would strain you even more with your money problem..
I never did become as happy as I once was when you were here in Brooklyn. I long to be with you every weekend. I ache for you every weekend since you left. I went crazy!!!
Who would be my weekend date? How will I meet my need for conversation, support, and love. It has been so unfair to both of us. Deep in my heart, I wish you never left to Boston. I miss you. When you left, the world once again became like a crowded department store, it was filled with unfriendly and indifferent stranger. You were the only kind face. I don't blame you for leaving but this is how I feel.
I felt like I was making you so unhappy, twice you wanted to leave me because I wasn't fulfilling your needs.... I tried my best. But I needed to focus on my work so I can be independent, so I can get out of hell at home. You had these emotional swings---one day you would be loving and trusting and then change rapidly to depression and anger and hate because I couldn't make it to see you. Your feeling went to extreme and so changeable, it was like a roller coaster ride for months. Sharing my pain would be like pouring gasoline to a fire. I love you too much to make you feel more sad about my life. I always wanted to make you happy. I have cried so much, I have been so sad for so long. You became depend on me to make you feel complete,secure, and happy even though you said your happiness wasn't my responsible. You had resentment for the power you gave me. A power that I never abused. I worship you even still. I thought about you more than myself.....more than myself,Joanne. I held your name to the highest regard. I respect you. But when I'm disappointed you, your feeling flipped on me, you were responding as if I was two different people. I was so hurt those two times that you really just close down on me. I begged you to take me back all night long. I kissed your feet. Don't say I never loved you, because you are wrong.
Home is hell. I am alone. I have no one to talk to. No one to unburden my sadness. How could I unburden my pain to you when you were in pain yourself. I had pain staying at home. Everyday I was told that I was a loser,stupid...."you are going to be homeless". No one would talk to me...I had to go out something to get something to eat with the little money I did have. The worst Joanne were the fights. Everyday there would be a fight that would last for hours. They would put you down and curse you and I had to defend you because I love you so much. I would go crazy if they said anything bad about you. Sometimes the whole family was against me. They would say I was the cause of the family unhappiness,and all the anxiety in the house. They told me it was I who was who was making my mother sick and ill. Day in and day out Joanne this would go on. You may be asking--"Why didn't I just leave?" To where Joanne? I still don't have money, I owe 50,000 dollars. Going to you would be unfair. I would have felt like you would be in control of the relationship. Do you understand? I wouldn't have come to you as an equal. I have met the right person,but at the wrong time and wishing things were just different from the way they are will not change them.
This was my situation Joanne, my current relationship between my family and you made me feel like a wreck and I have done as much as I felt I can do to make it better. I had a choice between the chronic depression and sadness of staying where I am right now or the frightening depression of just being alone by myself. Should I desperately seek to stay in the middle no matter how deadly it is for me? I was never cool or distance to you ever,Joanne. I was in a state of turmoil about this for months---my thoughts and feeling were confusing,making it hard to evaluate what to do. I soon began to hate everything about life. That living at home and being away from you was such a diet of emotional starvation that I was really hating myself for not valuing myself enough to get out of this tug-of-war. I found myself on more than one occasion daydreaming that I should kill myself for causing so much sadness and pain on both side. I could not take it anymore. That is how bad it was. If I kept going Joanne and continue to fight I would be dead just to find some peace. That is why I just could wait any longer. As bad as it was for me,it couldn't be much better for you to see and feel my sadness, to not get the closeness you deserve,
and the endless aching and missing feeling you had for you....I used to feel I could never hurt you by leaving (which I never did),but that was before I learned how much I would be hurting you by not getting out of the picture. I have never hurt anyone,believe me this is the truth.
It was so hard to juggle my family and you and myself at the same time. I don't know what to do. I haven't been happy for the longest time. there has been a battle--emotionally and physically. I am drained. If my life was different, if I had a practice going and had my own place--I would have never let you go to Boston. We have both suffered and would have continued to do so until this situation resolves itself. I had reached my emotional threshold. I have hit a level of pain I am not willing to settle for anymore. I just need to have space. I need to recuperate. I feel that life just won't let us be. I need to be alone, away from both sides.
You do not yet know, Joanne, to what I had resigned myself to. To you that know my heart, and from whom I shall never hide it, I need to tell you that I am weak. And that I will try to prevent the thought came to me that you want to avoid me. I am crying right now.
Don't think that I don't love you. You are wrong. I still want you...I still need you...I still love you. Don't think that I am happy because I am not. I want you to be happy. I want you to be my best friend forever and who knows what the future holds for us. If you do come to New York, I would come over and help you move in. When I have my own place by the end of the summer---please come to visit me. Please just give us a chance. I will understand if you find someone else,but for me I will not. I told you I will not. I will hold the flame to you. My one true love of this lifetime. I want you still in my life, Do you understand? If not I will understand.
I have always been honest with you and understanding. Please believe me when I tell you that I love you. I only wrote this letter to give you an insight of what was happening to me. Please understand that I am still in love with you.I have tried my best in expressing myself. Joanne, my heart is not in me, but with you and now, even more, if it is not with you, it is nowhere ---truly.
I still think about you. I woke up this morning and tried to look for you in my room when I realized that a dream has deceived me into imagining I was sitting beside you and holding your hand. My love I send with this letter to you so you may keep if. If you fail to understand my feelings, nothing can await me but death, and death will hold no terror for me when I have no further hope on earth.
_June 5,1995
Monday
4pm
Dearest Joanne,
The hours I spent with you are a string of pearls to me. I count them over, every one part. I miss you so much Joanne West. I am so sad. In all honesty, whenever I am alone, the emptiness of my situation becomes unbearable, and I turn to try to do something---page you,listen to you talking in the tapes, reading your letters,......something to help dampen the desperation and loneliness of the moment.It helps for a moment and then comes back even stronger.
Joanne, my love for you can only be measured in exponential form, and that in itself falls far short of its true magnitude. I know that you don't believe this. Tonight, I sit alone vividly reliving all those pleasant moments we shared......Joanne, memories were never enough for me.
I read your letter.You have never failed me,my love. I didn't write the letter in one day. The letter I wrote took me a few days... I wrote most of it on the weekend we broke up. You ask how can I forsake your love---how the pain of knowing that I am not there for you or not giving you what you truly need in relationship compares to just letting you go. For about one year now I have lived with little else but your name on my lips and your vision in my thoughts. I was consumed with anguish and wracked with despair at the realization that I was making you unhappy with my disappointment.
Disappointment of your voice over the phone--being quiet, not opening up...hearing you cry over the phone and when I got to see you. The worst was your trip to New York----you wanted to break up with me because you were hurt. You even told me that you were disappointed in me and I hurt you for not spending time with you. I really didn't know to what extend the pain you felt about our relationship until that day. At times you heard me express my profound love to you and you may have thought my behavior does not reflect this. That night in the heart of the city, you were crying out to me---saying" I have wants and desires which need fulfillment. You ignore theses in favor of other things. Your inconsiderateness disappoints me.I have passion which cry out for satisfaction.You close your eyes to them.Your thoughtlessness hurts me a great deal. If you were truly in love with me, you would not be so uncaring." That is what I got from that night, even though you didn't go through with the break up... the message came in loud and clear. That night was the apex of all your anger and hurt that you tried to bury inside yourself...you just couldn't hold it anymore.
And as the fews week following that night I saw you burying your needs again.
You do not realize how much I yearn to hear your golden voice over the telephone or read your honeyed words in a letter. These were the only joys of my life,for through them I am reborn in spirit. Unfortunately, the periods between such contact are full of silences. They were dark and desperate times filled with the torment of loneliness and despair of long separation.Life at home was so unbearable Joanne....really. My family made every action a challenge. During these periods, my salvation rests solely with the hope that, once again very soon, I will be hearing your voice or reading your words. They were so far in between especially in the weekend. My hope was gone with my future and I saw only pain everywhere I looked....I felt like I was in a bad dreams. My life was unbearable. I was going to do something to stop the pain. I still think that you don't really understand what I was going through.
You implied in your letter that I decide to break things off with you in a time that we really had a chance to spend time with each other. There was no special reason that I picked this period of time....really. I just hope that I will be able to move out and get my own place before the summer is out.....I still don't know if I have the money for it. You were never my dirty little secret. All my friends and my family knew about you, about us. I was never ashamed of you.
I am sorry that you think that i use the things you told me in confidence against you. I didn't. I wasn't looking for an excuse to end our relationship. I just wanted to stop the pressure that I was feeling on both sides because it was killing me. This is the truth,Joanne. The letter was not a "massive rationalization" for my decision to leave you. I just wanted to give you the insight of how painful my world was. The thought process that went on. I still don't want to leave you. There was nothing about your life(your history,panic attack, sister drinking,money situation,your body)that affected my decision about what I did. I accept you history, your panic attack, your sister, and I love your body so much. I wish I was inside you right now. I miss home,Joanne.
You know how difficult it was for me to act as though all is well when you were so far away. In all honesty, I was very depressed these months. All my friends tell me to lighten up, but then, they can't understand the torment of my loneliness. How can I lighten up when my heart is torn hopelessly between two cities.
Yesterday, I saw someone who reminded me of you, and I had to look twice. You know, something deep down in my heart was hoping against all hope that, by miracle, it was really you standing on the corner and not some stranger.
I miss you so much Joanne West. This one month thing is really killing me. I still love you so much. I miss kiss you face and eating your hair and loving you the way you should be loved. Please love me.
Love DOC
_10/24/1995
Dearest Joanne,
Thank you so much for the roses and the card----it was truly a beautiful thing that you have done. It really brightens my day. It was so thoughtful and i really love you. I read your note and i understand when you said,"It's about experiences and human nature, and how over and over people who mean so much just seem, one day, to stop caring and fade away." Do you really think that my love for you can really shut off that quickly. You also wrote,"I know everything changes...circumstance changes, life changes, people change". Have we not have so many changes and obstacles in our relationship so far---Has my love change for you...even
after you try so hard to push me away. I want to tell you something---no matter what happens to us---to you...to me...
I will always love you. No matter how much you push me away---I will still love you.
You see....I look beyond the faces you wear and connect with you in a much more deeper level. I see through your facade and see who you really are. You think that you are a bad person and unlovable person. You are so wrong!! And I know that it is a hard thing to do to give up that picture we have of ourselves. I harbor an image of myself as unlovable
because that is what i was told by everybody. Then you came along and loved me for who I was....i didn't know how to handle it...it was scare. But with my trust to you increasing everyday you change that. Everybody act toward thing differently.
You have met your match, I won't let you get away with anything that diminish your essence. Why are so stuck in your ways? Do I threaten to blow your cover...that you are not perfect and that you don't have to be to be loved by me. It is OK to not be perfect....honey. I want you to open up to the feeling you fear the most----that you are not perfect and learn to open to the pain. I want you to accept yourself as you are....just like I accept you.
I was really hurt during my last trip to Boston....you seem that you were suspicious of my motives and now I have laid my motive for you to read . I do you forgive you, i don't want you to hate yourself. I forgive everything, but i forget nothing....that is how i am. If I forget something... then I didn't learn what I was supposed to learn from the experience and not allow the same problem to happen again.
Maybe the reason you don't trust me is in reality you cannot trust yourself. You are afraid that I am going to hurt you and since you have been hurt before you just want to watch out for the warning signs. I sometimes forget this statement and blame myself for your unhappiness. But I also want to tell you that we all have been hurt some more than others and I guess you are just like me....you forgive but don't forget.And sometimes i wish you just forget about your past.I am trying to figure what the problem is....I am not saying that what I write is true....i just trying to find a reason why you feel the way you do.
I sometimes think that I maybe too weak for you. I sometimes think that I am to nice and that you think I am after something? I always thought that the more I do for you, the more you will love me. I hope you don't think that i am spineless or don't have a mind of my own or that i am so desperate for love and approval that I am willing to put up with anything. I hope you don't think of me that way.
I want you to be happy. I love you. I can't stand to see you unhappy. What I learned a long time ago is that the more unsure of a woman is of your strength, the more she may test it. I don't know if you are doing this to me. But i do see you pushing the boundaries a little more each time. Sometimes i think i should stand up to your threat of leaving me or wanting to end the relationship---to show you how tough of a man i am....but i can't....i love you so much...i don't want to lose you.
I know that you are old-fashioned in certain aspects of your life. You want a man to be strong, not weak...sometimes you want a guy to tell you what to do. You want someone to take care of you and lean upon. Women tend to seek men that reminds them of their father. You had a lot of respect for your dad. You may want a man that you can respect and maybe you are losing respect for you..i don't know. I want to tell you that I am sorry that I wasn't there for you when you were sick.
It seems lately that everything I do or say is wrong. You told me that you were not happy with me. I don't think that you worship me like you did before. You are so mad that me sometime like i am irritate you. And I don't want you to be mad at me. The person who get mad in a relationship are the people who want to get more respect. Do you think that I don't respect you? The reason people are afraid of bombs is because they know what damage they could do if they explodes. You tell me that i don't satisfy your needs, you tell me i don't do enough. You are right....i haven't send letters or tapes like i did before--that is because these things made me really sad--it makes me focus. Also if you give too often it will go unrecognized and unappreciated because you fall into the trap of being routine.
I don't know if what I have written is true or not and I don't want you to take anything I wrote too personal...this letter was more for you to understand or figure out what i was feeling inside and to get out. I don't know if you will ever get to see this letter, but if you do PLEASE don't take it the wrong way. I love you so much honey. You are the best.
Doc
