FAN

Since the only answer that you are willing to give me is to take care of your cock.........which I do understand how important that is to you....But, in the sense that you mean my position in life with you is only for that............I take it as....I am less.. just a source of some holes that you can use for your pleasure...(mouth and pussy) with no regards to me being a person with feelings......desires........dreams......who can be hurt deeply.....I take it as.....you do not and have never had respect, love, caring, or value, when you look at me as a fellow human being......I have tried to tell you .........how hopeless I feel......I have tried to tell you....how broken my heart is....I have tried to tell you......but you do not hear me.....you do not want to hear me......

I have all but out right begged, for you to talk to me, you have chosen to ignore it.

I am human, with feeling deep deep feeling, the depth of what I can feel is not describable with words...unless you are one who is sensitive on a emotional level and it translates into your physical being..sensitive enough to actually feel the emotion of others even when you do not want to...........then you do not understand what I mean when I say deep deep feeling. And with that ability comes the capacity to love just as deeply....you heart is open, you know and feel the pain of others, you don't have to wonder on a intellectual level what they feel...you feel it..It may as well be you...who are feeling the pain yourself, that they are experiencing in their heart and souls when they hurt. So you understand heartache from may causes even if you have had no personal experience in that area. And this knowing of how others can be hurt, what they feel, when they hurt, opens your heart, it give you a great capacity to be able to love and have compassion for others, even strangers. I have looked at people and the things that they do and marveled at their beauty, my heart overflowing with love for them, even though they were total strangers to me. This is how deeply I love, this is how deep my compassion goes...and with it, because of it. I alway try to treat and deal with people with the highest intentions for them and myself. I can not say I have not caused another person emotional pain...but it has never been done deliberately..and when I have done so and found out..it caused me heart ache that I had done so. That is one reason I have never treated a man, who was interested in me, and I was not interested in him with anything but a response, that left him feeling good about himself, although I said no. I did not lead him on, or reject him cruelly and there have been many men who were interested and I was not, some who I had not idea of until the approached me directly and I was totally caught off guard. I made sure he walked away feeling good about asking me..taking the lead as the male, being a nice guy, who liked a woman and got the courage to ask her consider being his...When you can feel others pain....when you can feel what your action cause to another, you learn and acquire a deep level of Love and compassion.

So I was careful with myself. I learned how to put a shield up around me, literally to protect myself from the emotion of others. It is not pleasant to be hit unexpectedly by someone else's emotions, it send you into emotional spirals of up and down and you can not alway be consciously on guard and when you are not on guard you think they are your emotions you are feeling.

I understand that there are few people who do this, are capable of experiencing this ability of empathy, or of loving and have that type of compassion. I learned this the hard way in my relationship with men and women in my life on a date to day level and in my romantic reality. I learned to keep my true self to myself, because with the ability also come the capability to know what it is that they really feel for you, what their intentions are. I use to deny what I knew about what others truly feel for me. My love for them caused me to make excuses for them. That doesn't work though. You can't hid from the truth when you are on a spiritual path...it won't let you. The Universe, your Soul it will do whatever is necessary, it will send your world tumbling down when you refuse to see the truth of your life and what is in it that is not good for you, that you are lying to yourself about. Being abandon in my marriage did that for me...it was like a earthquake, with the epicenter as him leaving and the after shocks were the abandonment of family, friends, and church. Have you ever been alone, truly alone Alex? I was at my greatest hour of need with a child to take care of. I had to look at my life and everyone that had been in it with clear vision no excuses and no lies, no hiding of who, and what I was, how different I was and trying to fit in so that I would be accepted and loved by who was in my life, when I did not fit in. I took years to heal myself, I knew I needed healing and running into the arms of another man to cover the pain was not going to do it. I had a daughter to raise as well. I lost hope of ever thinking that someone would have the ability to experience and love as I did and be my life companion, that would accept me as I was, no hiding of my true self, my spiritual path, someone who would allow me to Be, Do, Have, Experience all that I wanted without judgment and with understanding. Along the way, my Soul, and the Universe showed me, I would love again, even if I didn't want to. I stop fighting that part of me although I did not allow a man into my life. I came finally to a point where I am healed. I realized that when I saw you

Then, I thought, trusted and believed, that the Universe had sent me someone who truly had the capacity to love like I love. I read your website and thought this is a soul that has the heart to love like I love, who is looking for his soulmate, and the same capacity of love in her. I thought this is one who will not deliberately hurt me, who would deal with me with truth, integrity, compassion, understanding, acceptance and love. I thought...I will be important to him, he will make time for me, put me first, his intentions for me will be the highest and the best, he will want to see me happy, loved, to accomplish our separate dreams with each other help, and to build and accomplish new dreams and desires together.

I can be myself with him...I don't have to hide who I truly am to protect myself, my heart, my being, I don't have to shield myself...he will not consciously cause me distress and heartache with his actions toward me....I thought...I can share my hopes and dreams, my fears, my growth on a spiritual and physical level as a person with him, I can talk to him about anything, share on a deep level..be truthful in everything with him...and he would do the same with me..not matter what it is...because I would not judge his actions, desires and dreams..the same as he would not me. I thought...he will teach me new things, be my first experience of sexual satisfaction, passion..nothing between us will be something that one can not bring to the other for consideration or discussion when it come to sex and love because we will have commitment and trust between us. I thought I was safe I had learned and grown, I had healed, my capacity to love was even greater despite everything I had experienced. I thought .. the Universe will not send me a person that will deal with me with anything less than I would give to them. My Soul would not do that as well. I thought...if I become afraid because of all I have experienced he will understand and love me anyway.

That answer after a asking you a question from my heart...that sought a true explanation and understanding from you,

My question is WHY?.......I do not understand....I have felt you inner being...the essence of who you are inside, who you truly are...it was one of the most wonderful feelings ,.... the goodness, kindness, love, such wonderful things........So I do not understand when it comes to me.........why you have did all that you have done...and do.........and this bothers me so much.....i know that you said, I was born to take care of you dick and you really believe that....but I am not talking about the sexual aspect between us.......I am talking about the one on one human, personal, caring of how you treat another individual, that has come into you life.....holding the intent of goodness in your actions toward them and for them..where all that you want for yourself...you want for your fellow being...and you do not consciously act in a manner to cause distress from you actions toward them...........from those who have not experienced the spiritual path....I can understand.......from those who have not experienced true heartbreak over and over (you have) I can understand.....But you...your experiences are like mine...in how others have treated you.....so this is what I do not understand....


My capacity for heartache is great because of how deeply I feel, how deeply I love. My heart hurt so much knowing that you never intended what you wrote for me, know that no matter what I say or do, I will not have your time, attention, love like I deserve to be loved.