Sunday, March 24, 2019
PERSONAL: RELATIONSHIP IS A MIRROR
Relationship is a mirror. Every moment the other reveals you, exposes you. The closer the relationship, the clearer is the mirror.Many people seek this in external objects or people. I’m sure you’ve heard people proclaim: “I’ll be happy if he did this or she said that” or “If I only got that job, new house, baby.” If a person seeks a partner to complete them, conflicts arise.
It is not your partner’s job to make you happy. It is your job to make you happy. It is your partner’s job to make themselves happy.
Understand that it is up to you to make yourself happy, it is NOT the job of your spouse. I am not saying you shouldn’t do nice things for each other, or that your partner can’t make you happy sometimes. I am just saying don’t lay expectations on your partner to “make you happy.” It is not their responsibility. Figure out as individuals what makes you happy as an individual, be happy yourself, then you each bring that to the relationship
A lot is made about “sacrifices” in a relationship. You are supposed to keep the relationship happy by consistently sacrificing yourself for your partner and their wants and needs.There is some truth to that. Every relationship requires each person to consciously choose to give something up at times.
Shitty, codependent relationships have an inherent stability because you’re both locked in an implicit bargain to tolerate the other person’s bad behavior because they’re tolerating yours, and neither of you wants to be alone. On the surface, it seems like “compromising in relationships because that’s what people do,” but the reality is that resentments build up, and both parties become the other person’s emotional hostage against having to face and deal with their own bullshit
A healthy and happy relationship requires two healthy and happy individuals. Keyword here: “individuals.” That means two people with their own identities, their own interests and perspectives, and things they do by themselves, on their own time. Don’t try to change them. This is the person you chose. They were good enough to marry so don’t expect them to change now.Don’t ever give up who you are for the person you’re with. It will only backfire and make you both miserable. Have the courage to be who you are, and most importantly, let your partner be who they are. Those are the two people who fell in love with each other in the first place
There is no 50/50 in housecleaning, child rearing, vacation planning, dishwasher emptying, gift buying, dinner making, money making, etc. The sooner everyone accepts that, the happier everyone is. We all have things we like to do and hate to do; we all have things we are good at and not so good at. TALK to your partner about those things when it comes to dividing and conquering all the crap that has to get done in life.
Everyone has an image in their mind of how a relationship should work. Both people share responsibilities. Both people manage to finely balance their time together with the time for themselves. Both pursue engaging and invigorating interests on their own and then share the benefits together. Both take turns cleaning the toilet and blowing each other and cooking gourmet lasagna for the extended family at Thanksgiving
Then there’s how relationships actually work.
Messy. Stressful. Miscommunication flying everywhere so that both of you feel as though you’re in a perpetual state of talking to a wall.
The fact is relationships are imperfect, messy affairs. And it’s for the simple reason that they’re comprised of imperfect, messy people — people who want different things at different times in different ways and oh, they forgot to tell you? Well, maybe if you had been listening, ***.
PERSONAL: WHAT MAKE RELATIONSHIP REALLY WORK
Love is a funny thing. In ancient times, people genuinely considered love a sickness. Parents warned their children against it, and adults quickly arranged marriages before their children were old enough to do something dumb in the name of their emotions.
That’s because love, while making us feel all giddy and high as if we had just snorted a shoebox full of cocaine, makes us highly irrational. That is what chemistry does for us.. It’s nature’s way of tricking us into doing insane and irrational things to procreate with another person — probably because if we stopped to think about the repercussions of having kids, and being with the same person forever and ever, no one would ever do it. As Robin Williams used to joke, “God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.”
Romantic love is a trap designed to get two people to overlook each other’s faults long enough to get some babymaking done. It generally only lasts for a few months at most. That dizzying high you get staring into your lover’s eyes as if they are the stars that make up the heavens — yeah, that mostly goes away. It does for everybody. So, once it’s gone, you need to know that you’ve buckled yourself down with a human being you genuinely respect and enjoy being with, otherwise things are going to get rocky.
True love — that is, deep, abiding love that is impervious to emotional whims or fancy — is a choice. It’s a constant commitment to a person regardless of the present circumstances. It’s a commitment to a person who you understand isn’t going to always make you happy — nor should they! — and a person who will need to rely on you at times, just as you will rely on them.
That form of love is much harder. Primarily because it often doesn’t feel very good. It’s unglamorous. It’s lots of early morning doctor’s visits. It’s cleaning up bodily fluids you’d rather not be cleaning up. It’s dealing with another person’s insecurities and fears and ideas, even when you don’t want to.
But this form of love is also far more satisfying and meaningful. And, at the end of the day, it brings true happiness, not just another series of highs.Happily Ever After doesn’t exist. Every day you wake up and decide to love your partner and your life – the good, the bad and the ugly. Some days it’s a struggle and some days you feel like the luckiest person in the world Many people never learn how to breach this deep, unconditional love. Many people are instead addicted to the ups and downs of romantic love. They are in it for the feels, so to speak. And when the feels run out, so do they.
When you commit to someone, you don’t actually know who you’re committing to. You know who they are today, but you have no idea who this person is going to be in five years, ten years, and so on. You have to be prepared for the unexpected, and truly ask yourself if you admire this person regardless of the superficial (or not-so-superficial) details, because I promise almost all of them at some point are going to either change or go away.
It’s important to always realize you have a choice. The love you seek is obtainable only if you are patient enough to wait for it and courageous enough to move on. Remember the first time you rode your bike? You fell off didn’t you? And I bet you got right back on and eventually you just kept going. It’s okay to get hurt, the bruises will only remind you of how far you’ve come.
I began finding comfort in being alone. I no longer had a desire to “have” someone in my life to keep me occupied, to love me, or to bring me happiness. I was going places whenever I wanted to, doing things however I wanted to and creating memories in the process. In essence, I was creating my own happiness without someone else. In doing so, I’ve been able to identify what i want in a woman and have made certain that I’ll never settle for anything less than what I truly deserve and desire. Mind you, there might not be a single person in this world who wants a family more than I do. I’m just not willing to settle in order to have that. I believe that God and patience will bring me everything I’ve dreamed of and more.
I have a totally different perspective on relationships today than I did even few years ago. See, I think of relationships with the same lens as I do my career. If I am going to invest my time into something, it’s because I know I am getting the same investment back in return. Why would you put time and effort into something that doesn’t put the same time and effort into you? And then be naive enough to believe it will bring you happiness? Men and women wake up everyday and go to work to be successful. Most have this obsession with making more and more money. Imagine they felt the same way about your feelings and happiness? Giving more and more effort each day because it’ll bring them closer to that next step. Why shouldn’t they? Money doesn’t bring happiness, hell I would rather be broke and in love than rich and miserable.
Being older, I am very selective with whom I choose to offer my time and heart to. People always ask me why I’m single; I’ve chosen to be. I don’t look for perfection, and definitely don’t need just a pretty face. I’m an extremely confident man and I’ve never needed a pretty woman on my arm to feel secure, instead I’m attracted to the qualities of a woman; her vision for her future and the kindness of her soul. That’s what I look forward to falling in love with and that’s what I build my future for. I’ll be patient until the day I find it …. and when I do, I’ll show her a love she’s never experienced before; a love that will never hurt and never quit.
I am not a serial dater. So many woman I have talked to have gone on so many dates and never find someone they want to be with....even if that guy is a nice guy....there will always be a but......something wrong.....something missing. You will have something I lack and I will have something you lack. I usually will meet someone who I feel want me to be with them. Someone who want me in their life. If you don't show interest in me, I won't show interest in you. I don't believe in chemistry. I believe love takes time to grow.
How do I know if I want to meet you? By your action...but also by talking to you. Yes talking to you. I want to be able to talk to my parnter about anything. If something bothers you in the relationship, you must be willing to say it. Saying it builds trust and trust builds intimacy. It may hurt, but you still need to do it. No one else can fix your relationship for you. Nor should anyone else. Just as causing pain to your muscles allows them to grow back stronger, often introducing some pain into your relationship through vulnerability is the only way to make the relationship stronger.
Behind respect, trust was the most commonly mentioned trait for a healthy relationship. Most people mentioned it in the context of jealousy and fidelity — trust your partner to go off on their own, don’t get insecure or angry if you see them talking with someone else, etc.
But trust goes much deeper than that. Because when you’re really talking about the long-haul, you start to get into some serious life-or-death ***. If you ended up with cancer tomorrow, would you trust your partner to stick with you and take care of you? Would you trust your partner to care for your child for a week by themselves? Do you trust them to handle your money or make sound decisions under pressure? Do you trust them to not turn on you or blame you when you make mistakes?
These are hard things to do. And they’re even harder to think about early on in a relationship. Trust at the beginning of a relationship is easy. It’s like, “Oh, I forgot my phone at her apartment, I trust her not to sell it and buy crack with the money… I think.”But the deeper the commitment, the more intertwined your lives become, and the more you will have to trust your partner to act in your interest in your absence.
The key to fostering and maintaining trust in the relationship is for both partners to be completely transparent and vulnerable:Make promises and then stick to them. The only way to truly rebuild trust after it’s been broken is through a proven track record over time. You cannot build that track record until you own up to previous mistakes and set about correcting them.Trust is like a china plate. If you drop it and it breaks, you can put it back together with a lot of work and care. If you drop it and break it a second time, it will split into twice as many pieces and it will require far more time and care to put back together again. But drop and break it enough times, and it will shatter into so many pieces that you will never be able to put it back together again, no matter what you
I was married before....and I got divorced. This is what i learned from that experience: You are absolutely not going to be absolutely gaga over each other every single day for the rest of your lives, and all this ‘happily ever after’ bullshit is just setting people up for failure. They go into relationships with these unrealistic expectations. Then, the instant they realize they aren’t ‘gaga’ anymore, they think the relationship is broken and over, and they need to get out. No! There will be days, or weeks, or maybe even longer, when you aren’t all mushy-gushy in-love. You’re even going to wake up some morning and think, “Ugh, you’re still here….” That’s normal! And more importantly, sticking it out is totally worth it, because that, too, will change. In a day, or a week, or maybe even longer, you’ll look at that person and a giant wave of love will inundate you, and you’ll love them so much you think your heart can’t possibly hold it all and is going to burst. Because a love that’s alive is also constantly evolving. It expands and contracts and mellows and deepens. It’s not going to be the way it used to be, or the way it will be, and it shouldn’t be. I think if more couples understood that, they’d be less inclined to panic and rush to break up or divorce
I think the most important thing that I have learned in those years is that the love you feel for each other is constantly changing. Sometimes you feel a deep love and satisfaction, other times you want nothing to do with your spouse; sometimes you laugh together, sometimes you’re screaming at each other. It’s like a roller-coaster ride, ups and downs all the time, but as you stay together long enough the downs become less severe and the ups are more loving and contented. So even if you feel like you could never love your partner any more, that can change, if you give it a chance. I think people give up too soon. You need to be the kind of person that you want your spouse to be. When you do that it makes a world of difference
Relationships exist as waves, people need to learn how to ride them. like the ocean, there are constant waves of emotion going on within a relationship, ups and downs — some waves last for hours, some last for months or even years. The key is understanding that few of those waves have anything to do with the quality of the relationship — people lose jobs, family members die, couples relocate, switch careers, make a lot of money, lose a lot of money. Your job as a committed partner is to simply ride the waves with the person you love, regardless of where they go. Because ultimately, none of these waves last. And you simply end up with each other.
You can work through anything as long as you are not destroying yourself or each other. That means emotionally, physically, financially or spiritually. Make nothing off limits to discuss. Never shame or mock each other for the things you do that make you happy. Write down why you fell in love and read it every year on your anniversary (or more often). Write love letters to each other often. Make each other first. When kids arrive, it will be easy to fall into a frenzy of making them the only focus of your life…do not forget the love that produced them. You must keep that love alive and strong to feed them love. Spouse comes first. Each of you will continue to grow. Bring the other one with you. Be the one that welcomes that growth. Don’t think that the other one will hold the relationship together. Both of you should assume it’s up to you so that you are both working on it. Be passionate about cleaning house, preparing meals and taking care of your home. This is required of everyone daily, make it fun and happy and do it together. Do not complain about your partner to anyone. Love them for who they are. Make love even when you are not in the mood. Trust each other. Give each other the benefit of the doubt always. Be transparent. Have nothing to hide. Be proud of each other. Have a life outside of each other, but share it through conversation. Pamper and adore each other. Go to counselling now before you need it so that you are both open to working on the relationship together. Disagree with respect to each other’s feelings. Be open to change and accepting of differences
That’s because love, while making us feel all giddy and high as if we had just snorted a shoebox full of cocaine, makes us highly irrational. That is what chemistry does for us.. It’s nature’s way of tricking us into doing insane and irrational things to procreate with another person — probably because if we stopped to think about the repercussions of having kids, and being with the same person forever and ever, no one would ever do it. As Robin Williams used to joke, “God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.”
Romantic love is a trap designed to get two people to overlook each other’s faults long enough to get some babymaking done. It generally only lasts for a few months at most. That dizzying high you get staring into your lover’s eyes as if they are the stars that make up the heavens — yeah, that mostly goes away. It does for everybody. So, once it’s gone, you need to know that you’ve buckled yourself down with a human being you genuinely respect and enjoy being with, otherwise things are going to get rocky.
True love — that is, deep, abiding love that is impervious to emotional whims or fancy — is a choice. It’s a constant commitment to a person regardless of the present circumstances. It’s a commitment to a person who you understand isn’t going to always make you happy — nor should they! — and a person who will need to rely on you at times, just as you will rely on them.
That form of love is much harder. Primarily because it often doesn’t feel very good. It’s unglamorous. It’s lots of early morning doctor’s visits. It’s cleaning up bodily fluids you’d rather not be cleaning up. It’s dealing with another person’s insecurities and fears and ideas, even when you don’t want to.
But this form of love is also far more satisfying and meaningful. And, at the end of the day, it brings true happiness, not just another series of highs.Happily Ever After doesn’t exist. Every day you wake up and decide to love your partner and your life – the good, the bad and the ugly. Some days it’s a struggle and some days you feel like the luckiest person in the world Many people never learn how to breach this deep, unconditional love. Many people are instead addicted to the ups and downs of romantic love. They are in it for the feels, so to speak. And when the feels run out, so do they.
When you commit to someone, you don’t actually know who you’re committing to. You know who they are today, but you have no idea who this person is going to be in five years, ten years, and so on. You have to be prepared for the unexpected, and truly ask yourself if you admire this person regardless of the superficial (or not-so-superficial) details, because I promise almost all of them at some point are going to either change or go away.
It’s important to always realize you have a choice. The love you seek is obtainable only if you are patient enough to wait for it and courageous enough to move on. Remember the first time you rode your bike? You fell off didn’t you? And I bet you got right back on and eventually you just kept going. It’s okay to get hurt, the bruises will only remind you of how far you’ve come.
I began finding comfort in being alone. I no longer had a desire to “have” someone in my life to keep me occupied, to love me, or to bring me happiness. I was going places whenever I wanted to, doing things however I wanted to and creating memories in the process. In essence, I was creating my own happiness without someone else. In doing so, I’ve been able to identify what i want in a woman and have made certain that I’ll never settle for anything less than what I truly deserve and desire. Mind you, there might not be a single person in this world who wants a family more than I do. I’m just not willing to settle in order to have that. I believe that God and patience will bring me everything I’ve dreamed of and more.
I have a totally different perspective on relationships today than I did even few years ago. See, I think of relationships with the same lens as I do my career. If I am going to invest my time into something, it’s because I know I am getting the same investment back in return. Why would you put time and effort into something that doesn’t put the same time and effort into you? And then be naive enough to believe it will bring you happiness? Men and women wake up everyday and go to work to be successful. Most have this obsession with making more and more money. Imagine they felt the same way about your feelings and happiness? Giving more and more effort each day because it’ll bring them closer to that next step. Why shouldn’t they? Money doesn’t bring happiness, hell I would rather be broke and in love than rich and miserable.
Being older, I am very selective with whom I choose to offer my time and heart to. People always ask me why I’m single; I’ve chosen to be. I don’t look for perfection, and definitely don’t need just a pretty face. I’m an extremely confident man and I’ve never needed a pretty woman on my arm to feel secure, instead I’m attracted to the qualities of a woman; her vision for her future and the kindness of her soul. That’s what I look forward to falling in love with and that’s what I build my future for. I’ll be patient until the day I find it …. and when I do, I’ll show her a love she’s never experienced before; a love that will never hurt and never quit.
I am not a serial dater. So many woman I have talked to have gone on so many dates and never find someone they want to be with....even if that guy is a nice guy....there will always be a but......something wrong.....something missing. You will have something I lack and I will have something you lack. I usually will meet someone who I feel want me to be with them. Someone who want me in their life. If you don't show interest in me, I won't show interest in you. I don't believe in chemistry. I believe love takes time to grow.
How do I know if I want to meet you? By your action...but also by talking to you. Yes talking to you. I want to be able to talk to my parnter about anything. If something bothers you in the relationship, you must be willing to say it. Saying it builds trust and trust builds intimacy. It may hurt, but you still need to do it. No one else can fix your relationship for you. Nor should anyone else. Just as causing pain to your muscles allows them to grow back stronger, often introducing some pain into your relationship through vulnerability is the only way to make the relationship stronger.
Behind respect, trust was the most commonly mentioned trait for a healthy relationship. Most people mentioned it in the context of jealousy and fidelity — trust your partner to go off on their own, don’t get insecure or angry if you see them talking with someone else, etc.
But trust goes much deeper than that. Because when you’re really talking about the long-haul, you start to get into some serious life-or-death ***. If you ended up with cancer tomorrow, would you trust your partner to stick with you and take care of you? Would you trust your partner to care for your child for a week by themselves? Do you trust them to handle your money or make sound decisions under pressure? Do you trust them to not turn on you or blame you when you make mistakes?
These are hard things to do. And they’re even harder to think about early on in a relationship. Trust at the beginning of a relationship is easy. It’s like, “Oh, I forgot my phone at her apartment, I trust her not to sell it and buy crack with the money… I think.”But the deeper the commitment, the more intertwined your lives become, and the more you will have to trust your partner to act in your interest in your absence.
The key to fostering and maintaining trust in the relationship is for both partners to be completely transparent and vulnerable:Make promises and then stick to them. The only way to truly rebuild trust after it’s been broken is through a proven track record over time. You cannot build that track record until you own up to previous mistakes and set about correcting them.Trust is like a china plate. If you drop it and it breaks, you can put it back together with a lot of work and care. If you drop it and break it a second time, it will split into twice as many pieces and it will require far more time and care to put back together again. But drop and break it enough times, and it will shatter into so many pieces that you will never be able to put it back together again, no matter what you
I was married before....and I got divorced. This is what i learned from that experience: You are absolutely not going to be absolutely gaga over each other every single day for the rest of your lives, and all this ‘happily ever after’ bullshit is just setting people up for failure. They go into relationships with these unrealistic expectations. Then, the instant they realize they aren’t ‘gaga’ anymore, they think the relationship is broken and over, and they need to get out. No! There will be days, or weeks, or maybe even longer, when you aren’t all mushy-gushy in-love. You’re even going to wake up some morning and think, “Ugh, you’re still here….” That’s normal! And more importantly, sticking it out is totally worth it, because that, too, will change. In a day, or a week, or maybe even longer, you’ll look at that person and a giant wave of love will inundate you, and you’ll love them so much you think your heart can’t possibly hold it all and is going to burst. Because a love that’s alive is also constantly evolving. It expands and contracts and mellows and deepens. It’s not going to be the way it used to be, or the way it will be, and it shouldn’t be. I think if more couples understood that, they’d be less inclined to panic and rush to break up or divorce
I think the most important thing that I have learned in those years is that the love you feel for each other is constantly changing. Sometimes you feel a deep love and satisfaction, other times you want nothing to do with your spouse; sometimes you laugh together, sometimes you’re screaming at each other. It’s like a roller-coaster ride, ups and downs all the time, but as you stay together long enough the downs become less severe and the ups are more loving and contented. So even if you feel like you could never love your partner any more, that can change, if you give it a chance. I think people give up too soon. You need to be the kind of person that you want your spouse to be. When you do that it makes a world of difference
Relationships exist as waves, people need to learn how to ride them. like the ocean, there are constant waves of emotion going on within a relationship, ups and downs — some waves last for hours, some last for months or even years. The key is understanding that few of those waves have anything to do with the quality of the relationship — people lose jobs, family members die, couples relocate, switch careers, make a lot of money, lose a lot of money. Your job as a committed partner is to simply ride the waves with the person you love, regardless of where they go. Because ultimately, none of these waves last. And you simply end up with each other.
You can work through anything as long as you are not destroying yourself or each other. That means emotionally, physically, financially or spiritually. Make nothing off limits to discuss. Never shame or mock each other for the things you do that make you happy. Write down why you fell in love and read it every year on your anniversary (or more often). Write love letters to each other often. Make each other first. When kids arrive, it will be easy to fall into a frenzy of making them the only focus of your life…do not forget the love that produced them. You must keep that love alive and strong to feed them love. Spouse comes first. Each of you will continue to grow. Bring the other one with you. Be the one that welcomes that growth. Don’t think that the other one will hold the relationship together. Both of you should assume it’s up to you so that you are both working on it. Be passionate about cleaning house, preparing meals and taking care of your home. This is required of everyone daily, make it fun and happy and do it together. Do not complain about your partner to anyone. Love them for who they are. Make love even when you are not in the mood. Trust each other. Give each other the benefit of the doubt always. Be transparent. Have nothing to hide. Be proud of each other. Have a life outside of each other, but share it through conversation. Pamper and adore each other. Go to counselling now before you need it so that you are both open to working on the relationship together. Disagree with respect to each other’s feelings. Be open to change and accepting of differences
Sunday, March 17, 2019
ARTICLE: Before the World Wide Web — which turned 30 this week — we wasted (and enjoyed) time in so many other ways By Mary Schmich
Have a seat, little children, and let me tell you about a time long ago when life was very strange and hard but also oddly beautiful.
I’m talking about 1989.
No, that’s not when dinosaurs roamed the Earth.
It was in that distant time, 30 years ago this week, kids, that a man invented the World Wide Web and changed, well, everything.
Imagine. No Google, no Facebook, no Amazon. No email, no tweeting, no streaming. No Skyping, no Snapchat, no Airbnb. No online trolls.
Imagine a world in which it was possible to travel and know little about what was going on back home. In which it was possible to go many hours without hearing directly from the president. In which you didn’t feel pressure to broadcast your life to the world if only because you had no way to do it.
Such was life before the World Wide Web.
How did we communicate back then? How did we fill our time? Sometimes it’s hard to remember.
We stayed in touch through letters. We wrote them by hand or typed them on typewriters. We put the letters in the mailbox and we waited — days or weeks or months — for a reply.
In the world before the web, we spent a lot of time waiting.
In that slow pre-web world, phones were made for talking and we talked on the phone for hours. We bought long phone cords so we could move around with the part of the phone called a receiver.
We read books, meaning something with paper pages that was obtained at a bookstore or the library.
We ordered nothing online because there was no online. Almost nothing was delivered to our doors, except the phone book and the printed newspaper.
In the evenings in that web-free age, we relied on network TV news shows to learn, in brief, what had happened in the world that day. Then we watched whatever show the networks decided we’d watch, at precisely the time they decided we’d watch it.
Would we have watched that much “Falcon Crest” if there had been a Netflix? Such are the existential questions we ponder, children, when we think of life before the web.
We made reservations for hotels and flights over the phone.
We kept appointments on paper calendars.
We took our photos to a shop to be developed. As I said, we spent a lot of time waiting.
And maps. We learned how to read them, how to fold them. We kept them in the car. We set off on trips knowing we might get lost.
We kept track of people in our address books. We lost track of many. Letters came back marked “No longer at this address.” Distant relations, high school boyfriends, co-workers faded into memory, to be resurrected only decades later by Facebook.
Without Pandora and Spotify and iTunes we listened to music on the radio or the stereo.
In 1989, if we wanted to watch a movie at home, we could — but only if we went to one of those new places called Blockbuster, rented one of those VHS tapes and brought it home to play in the VCR.
We got our celebrity gossip the old-fashioned way, from magazines at the grocery store checkout.
And when we had a weird rash or an ache that wouldn’t quit? We fretted about it, guessed about it, consulted a friend who knew next to nothing. There was no Dr. Google to help us self-diagnose.
I could go on, children, but the web has shortened our attention spans. So let me conclude with this:
We use our time differently than we did 30 years ago. The web has saved us time and sucked it from us.
We spend less time now booking a flight and balancing our checking accounts. We spend far more posting on Facebook, answering emails and arguing on comment boards. We are more engaged with the world and more overwhelmed by it.
Were we less anxious before the web arrived to connect us to everyone and everything all the time? Maybe. Or maybe just differently anxious.
The truth is, we’re still trying to figure out how these 30 years have shaped and reshaped us.
But this much is for sure: Thirty years from now, you’ll think back on this era and try to explain to a new crop of kids that even though 2019 seems primitive to them, it wasn’t so bad.
I’m talking about 1989.
No, that’s not when dinosaurs roamed the Earth.
It was in that distant time, 30 years ago this week, kids, that a man invented the World Wide Web and changed, well, everything.
Imagine. No Google, no Facebook, no Amazon. No email, no tweeting, no streaming. No Skyping, no Snapchat, no Airbnb. No online trolls.
Imagine a world in which it was possible to travel and know little about what was going on back home. In which it was possible to go many hours without hearing directly from the president. In which you didn’t feel pressure to broadcast your life to the world if only because you had no way to do it.
Such was life before the World Wide Web.
How did we communicate back then? How did we fill our time? Sometimes it’s hard to remember.
We stayed in touch through letters. We wrote them by hand or typed them on typewriters. We put the letters in the mailbox and we waited — days or weeks or months — for a reply.
In the world before the web, we spent a lot of time waiting.
In that slow pre-web world, phones were made for talking and we talked on the phone for hours. We bought long phone cords so we could move around with the part of the phone called a receiver.
We read books, meaning something with paper pages that was obtained at a bookstore or the library.
We ordered nothing online because there was no online. Almost nothing was delivered to our doors, except the phone book and the printed newspaper.
In the evenings in that web-free age, we relied on network TV news shows to learn, in brief, what had happened in the world that day. Then we watched whatever show the networks decided we’d watch, at precisely the time they decided we’d watch it.
Would we have watched that much “Falcon Crest” if there had been a Netflix? Such are the existential questions we ponder, children, when we think of life before the web.
We made reservations for hotels and flights over the phone.
We kept appointments on paper calendars.
We took our photos to a shop to be developed. As I said, we spent a lot of time waiting.
And maps. We learned how to read them, how to fold them. We kept them in the car. We set off on trips knowing we might get lost.
We kept track of people in our address books. We lost track of many. Letters came back marked “No longer at this address.” Distant relations, high school boyfriends, co-workers faded into memory, to be resurrected only decades later by Facebook.
Without Pandora and Spotify and iTunes we listened to music on the radio or the stereo.
In 1989, if we wanted to watch a movie at home, we could — but only if we went to one of those new places called Blockbuster, rented one of those VHS tapes and brought it home to play in the VCR.
We got our celebrity gossip the old-fashioned way, from magazines at the grocery store checkout.
And when we had a weird rash or an ache that wouldn’t quit? We fretted about it, guessed about it, consulted a friend who knew next to nothing. There was no Dr. Google to help us self-diagnose.
I could go on, children, but the web has shortened our attention spans. So let me conclude with this:
We use our time differently than we did 30 years ago. The web has saved us time and sucked it from us.
We spend less time now booking a flight and balancing our checking accounts. We spend far more posting on Facebook, answering emails and arguing on comment boards. We are more engaged with the world and more overwhelmed by it.
Were we less anxious before the web arrived to connect us to everyone and everything all the time? Maybe. Or maybe just differently anxious.
The truth is, we’re still trying to figure out how these 30 years have shaped and reshaped us.
But this much is for sure: Thirty years from now, you’ll think back on this era and try to explain to a new crop of kids that even though 2019 seems primitive to them, it wasn’t so bad.
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